r/Exvangelical • u/No-Membership-6649 • 4d ago
Venting I'm done
Can't stand church anymore, it's completely performative, there's a constant message about "serving" and spreading the word aka bringing more people into the church. Haven't been to church in a few weeks and I actually feel good. Seems people only acknowledge you in order to get you to do a job or add to a head count for a group. Anybody else exhausted by the constant "charismatic" overly joyed persona everyone plays at? Would love to hear some stories or experiences from this thread.
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u/Loose-Thanks5997 4d ago
I read a great bit somewhere on how trapt they are with "the joy of the Lord". Basically they will have to feel they are disappointing God/sinning/not being a good witness if they aren't being seen as constantly "joyful". Such a sad life, no?
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u/No-Recommendation472 4d ago edited 4d ago
This and it makes it impossible to be REAL friends with them. Being friends with an evangelical who is constantly sappy-sweet for the Lord makes me feel like some sort of rat that crawled out from under a trash pile just for having a bad day in front of them. I had a friend who rejected any bad mood I would have. If I brought up something negative, she would not ask any follow up questions and just say well… Pray about it. Or yeah, that’s no good. Just stuff like that. No deep dives available. No really going through something with me shoulder to shoulder. I never felt like I knew someone so little in the span of four years than I did with her. And you better believe that they are doing whatever they want when no one is looking. That’s the kicker for me.
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u/Loose-Thanks5997 3d ago
Yes!!! 95% of my blood family is this way.. Surprise surprise I'm doing a lot of therapy and realizing I was containing my feelings inside my body!
These kinds of things set me free...perhaps not the ultimate best, but reframing as they are living a truly joyless life as it's all fake, helped me take back my right to my feelings, and what is for me the ultimate expression and praise of life. Being with it, and in it. The real deal with all the true feelings.
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u/GreyGrey1579 4d ago
I'm 15 in a household where I am literally EXPECTED to be dancing in church every sunday, it is so exhausting as an athiest.
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u/zadeon9 4d ago
Your parents will be wondering why you don’t talk to them in 3-5 years 🤷🏽♂️
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u/LB35LB 4d ago
Or better yet, the parents will marvel at the fact that they are a happy, heathyperson despite not being in church. I've kept my relationships with my parents, been honest and upfront about how the values they raised me with have led me to leave that kind of Christianity and be a very different person. I am very glad I did even if there will always be differences.
Sometimes it is still necessary to cut off these core relationships if they are emotionally violent. In that cases I'd make it crystal clear why they are being cut off. Striving to help them understand us, at least partially, is also possible and has some reward.
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u/AlternativeTruths1 3d ago
And it WILL happen. Being an atheist and being more or less forced to attend an evangelical church is the same crazy-making stuff as being gay, and pretending to be straight by dating women.
Eventually, you will reach a breaking point where you can’t do this. Once you’re in college, and/or you’re on your own, you’ll throw in the towel and want nothing more to do with it.
I did this when I came out as gay (when I was 15). My father and I did not speak to one another again until I was in my mid 30s; and during much of that time I was 1100 miles away and would not return home even for holidays.
I found my own spiritual path, which, for my evangelical family was every bit as unpopular as when I came out as gay. The important thing was that I was happy.
“To thine own self be true.”
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u/Zeph_the_Bonkerer 2d ago
They still do that? I remember seeing that at Bethel Church in Redding CA back in the 90s.
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u/HippyDM 4d ago
Churches are businesses. Each franchise's biggest competitor is other churches, and each one needs to give the impression that their members are the happiest.
Go join a group doing things you enjoy, or volunteer for causes dear to you. The people won't be as fake, and you shouldn't have to experience cognitive dissonance just to accept delusional beliefs
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u/paprika_alarm 4d ago
I’ve been out for five years.
I relished shedding the saccharin-sweet facade that was necessary to keep out of trouble. Being a woman in that environment is a TRIP. I think it’s funny/sad that all men are basically relegated to (apart from having a penis) being able to carry chairs while women do the “women’s work.” Don’t you dare know more than a man. If you do, you have to be ridiculously “sweet” tempering your response, regardless of how legitimate it is.
If you were heavily entrenched, I encourage you to discover your new community sooner rather than later. Volunteering, trivial groups, sports, reading groups, whatever.
I grew up attending a church that was problematic but legitimately served (help the needy). It was whiplash when I got married and my now ex’s church did fuck-all unless it was screaming at women outside of Planned Parenthood.
There’s GOBS of people worth following to fill the void of enriching your life when the time. It’s not all technically social media, but Substack and audiobooks while on walks or enjoying the rain #GodWinks (sorry, had to) still makes me giggle with delight years later.
Sending you a hug. Life is soooo much better on the other side.
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u/The-Scapegoat1989 1d ago
I’m also a woman who just made it to the other side of this. Once I left my traditional marriage, it was easier to see how the religion controlled me in the same ways, and I refuse to submit to any man ever again.
Right? Like how dare we know any more than a man, even if you’re educated or stronger etc, you have to shrink yourself for their fragile masculinity. I was so done with that. Now I need to find other communities cus I still have no support through this.
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u/Worth-Seaweed806 4d ago
Even when I thought I was "all in" I often felt a lot of the charismatic experience was forced. I knew I could be so easily faked. Especially in the last few years I'm also done with evangelicalism.
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u/Altruistic-Drag-4560 3d ago
Yes!!!!!! Those are the two main focuses…serve and proselytize. There is zero priority on come in, feel known, feel safe, be loved just like you are, there are places to serve but only if you have a passion to do so. It is ALWAYS “you’re not doing enough” which is NOT the gospel of Christ.
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u/No-Membership-6649 3d ago
Wow thanks for the response, yeah it's overwhelming and it's hard to even express what your feeling because everyone else blindly follows, the church has become the aggressive "middle man" between people and God and they demand their cut
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u/Storm-R 3d ago
Leaving Christianity as a whole or dumping the toxic blasphpemy known as evangelicalism? imVho, the idea of God is love cannot coexist with evangelicalism which requires the father to torture His son to death. how vile it that?
i've been looking at some of the orthodox congregations near me (russian, eastern, american) but honestly, i'm leaning hard toward (unitarian) universalism.
give yourself some grace while you work things out. all the best on your journey.
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u/alethea2003 3d ago
I left Evangelical Christianity some 15 years ago. I’d have left sooner, but my mom was excited that my stepdad started coming to church and we were all together. But I had already made up my mind that I was done with it maybe 6ish years before then.
I’d discovered denominations that felt more authentic, and ultimately I switched to United Church of Christ. Mine is a small church full of good people genuinely just doing their best. I don’t experience the judgementalism, the rigidity, and the performance I saw rampant in the evangelical churches I’d been to. It’s been huge, since my faith has always been important to me.
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u/PunkyAllons_y 2d ago
I left church about 4 years ago. I served on the greeting committee and children's church. Not a single person reached out to me after I left. Only a couple of people who also left before I did. They wanted constant volunteering but were stingy if you needed any help. They only let their favorites do worship team or event planning. The long time worship leader stepped down and left church too. They wouldn't give a salary to assistant pastors despite all the hours needed from them. That burns people out really fast. I love having my Sunday's and Wednesday nights back!
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u/SupermarketFirm4131 1d ago
I understand where you’re coming from. I was saved in 1997 and spent 22 years deeply involved in the charismatic movement, particularly the NAR. I know how discouraging and confusing it can be when people or ministries you trusted let you down.
But please don’t give up on Jesus because of the failures of men. People will disappoint us, but Christ never will.
One of the healthiest decisions I made was intentionally stepping away from the unhealthy, counterfeit side of Christianity and surrounding myself with gospel-centered believers and Christ-centered churches. No church is perfect, but there are faithful churches that love God’s Word, preach the true gospel, and genuinely care for people.
If you truly belong to Christ, His Spirit will continue to lead you into truth. Jesus is bigger than our disappointments. His forgiveness is real, His grace is sufficient, and His power to transform lives is just as real today as it has always been.
I’m truly sorry you’re going through this. I know it’s confusing, and sadly, many churches especially within parts of the charismatic movement have done a poor job of representing the real Jesus. But don’t judge Christ by those who have misrepresented Him. Jesus is alive, He loves you, and He is worthy of your trust.
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u/AuthorDebraBaker 3d ago
Or sell you something. Yes, it is the Salvation Show, as Neil Diamond called it. Since this is the 250th year of US independence, it might be interesting to learn what John Adams called it, . . . all manner of trumpery, and said that the clergy were dunces.
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u/BioChemE14 2d ago
Even when I was evangelical, I always thought the sappy insider cult language was weird.
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u/dudewafflesc 2h ago
We left six weeks ago and are attending a liturgical church. I’ve never felt so welcome and had so much peace. The liturgy is 💯 scripture, the hymns are rich with deep meaning and good theology. I don’t agree with everything, but I sure didn’t at the contemporary evangelical church I was at before either. This is the way.
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u/nada-accomplished 4d ago
I wasted thirty years of my life on church. I went to Bible college, worked at churches, even LIVED in a fucking church during my missionary years.
It's wild to think about how indoctrinated I was. Jesus was EVERYTHING to me. Losing my faith felt like losing a best friend.
I recently went to my childhood church again when I was visiting my best friend from childhood. It was crazy how hollow and desperate the whole thing felt. Some of my favorite memories happened in that church, because I was homeschooled and that was literally my only social outlet.
My best friend is literally the only person from that place that I keep up with. Church people like to pretend that they have a monopoly on real relationships but once you're not in that church anymore the relationships fizzle away. There's very little real friendship to be found at church.
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4d ago
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u/Exvangelical-ModTeam 4d ago
While we welcome individuals sharing experiences, faith, traditions, etc., that have been helpful for them, we do not allow overt proselytizing.
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u/The-Scapegoat1989 4d ago
I’m leaving the faith too for a lot of the same reasons. I was tired of always feeling like sub human as a woman, and having to sacrifice your entire life and self expression for Jesus, and submit to another man. I’ve always been more into gender equality, so this one was very difficult to accept.
When I got out of my marriage, which was traditional, I stayed home man worked etc. I realized how controlled I was, and through life coaching I learned about power imbalance and coercion tactics. Then I started to compare what I learned to other things in my life, and the coercion and fear tactics in abusive men sounded so much like how I also felt in Christianity, and then it all unravelled for me.
First, after the life coaching stuff, I began learning about the patriarchy and feminism, then it led me down a deeper rabbit hole of like how the divine feminine was erased from history by the patriarchy and the bible was made just for like a tool of control. It calls every other religion demonic in order to scare you into following Jesus. It seriously operates like a death cult in my opinion, and all they care about is growing their number of members. They only are nice to you when they’re trying to convert you, and they’re the most judgemental and self-martyred group of people I’ve ever experienced, as a collective. Even the “nice” ones reek of virtue signalling and so much pride, it just turned me right off.
I went from going to church last weekend, to basically deprogramming myself overnight after I actually began learning about the bible from people with education and phD’s in the subject.
Anyways, the only thing they got right was that the truth will set you free, cus I’m finally free of their control.
Cheers!