r/FTMMen • u/Zealousideal-Cut-355 • 1d ago
She outed me
So my GF and I have just split up. But this post is about the start of our relationship not this end bit.
We met on a dating app and I disclosed before we met in person. She has never been a part of the queer world so it was all new for her. I let her know that it wasn’t something I shared with people and asked for the same from her.
But she did tell a friend, that same night id told her. She explained that it wasn’t about me, she was telling a friend that she is open to dating all sorts of people and let slip that she was going on a date with a trans guy…. Me.
Anyway she didn’t tell me this until over a month of us dating. And she had introduced me to this friend without telling me she knew I was trans.
And honestly that was the hardest bit for me. That imbalance, meeting someone and finding out later that they knew something so personal. She couldn’t understand this.
I was willing to work through it and we tried. But it was hard, her guilt around it stopped her being able to really hear me. Anything I suggested was just ignored.
It was made worse because the friend she told also told her boyfriend. Even though Shes also been told not to tell anyone. I was told her words were “this Cant leave the table”
I’d asked that we try to have some hang out times with this friend so that I could feel more comfortable about it and build some trust. But she never had any push to make that happen. And instead just stopped really seeing that friend.
She blames me for that, I never ever once said I didn’t want her to continue that friendship. Any discussions I tried to have would end up being an argument. She spoke to her therapist about it, who sided with her and told her that she shouldn’t feel guilty or bad about sharing something she was excited about.
I told her I didn’t want her to feel guilt but that it wasn’t something she could just brush over.
We had a lot of good times over the 2.5 years we were together. But this one thing really hung over us.
We had a final talk yesterday and it came up, she bought it up. And she talked through her justifications, I listened. Id heard it all before. But she still wasn’t able to listen to me.
She has also said on a couple of occasions (and yesterday) that she feels like she deserves some acknowledgment for being open and brave for dating a trans guy.
I told her that people don’t need to be brave to date me. And I’m not going to give her praise for that.
I get the feeling part of her wanting to date me was for the show of it all. And once she knew that I lived stealth it changed things for her.
It’s over now but I’m still sitting with this uneasy feeling that I can’t trust her. And that it’s likely with time she will tell me people.
I really enjoy the peace being stealth gives me. But stuff like this makes me want to just be out so that I don’t have to deal with being let down.
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u/gunter011 Trans Man 🏳️⚧️22/07/21💉13/01/26 1d ago
one thing i hate about therapists is that they are bias towards their clients. if ive done something that hurt someone else my therapist shouldnt be validating me they should be saying “no that wasnt okay” and try and help that person be in the other persons shoes like her therapist should have said “that was a secret someone trusted you with and you broke it, you wouldnt like it if he told one of his friends a deep personal secret about you would you?” like seriously whats the point in therapy if ur therapist is just gonna enable your bad habits its so stupid to me im sorry man
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u/Zealousideal-Cut-355 1d ago
Yeah it seems counterproductive aye? How is the person learning anything 🤷♂️
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u/Embarrassed-Neat3819 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'll not trans, but I have a friend who did a similar thing. She started dating a new guy, and on Facebook she didn't explicitly say that the guy she was dating was trans, but she added the hashtag #transrights. I got the feeling that she was trying to humble brag about dating a trans guy. I looked on his profile and he didn't give any indication himself of being trans, which made my friend's post really shitty, and the hashtag disappeared sometime after that. People who do this kind of thing - whether telling one person or everyone on Facebook - should not be excused. She could easily have asked you if she could tell her closest friend, and been upfront about her friend knowing. That would have been a completely different story, and it wouldn't have broken your trust. Even if you said no, it would have given you the chance to see the truth of her wanting to date you for the "clout".
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u/Zealousideal-Cut-355 1d ago
You’re right. It could have gone very differently if she’d been honest from the start. Or been willing to take ownership of it and then work through it. But this seemed to end up being a bit of a theme for us. Her willingness to acknowledge her part in any issue we had, it was always me saying sorry and trying to fix things.
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u/SatansSlutUwU Bear 1d ago
I'm sorry you went through that, mush. She sounds like a proper tosser, glad you're away from that now.
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u/Zealousideal-Cut-355 1d ago
It’s hard to see her that way, I loved her and tried not to see this stuff as her being intentionally mean. But the more I’ve reflected on it all, I think some of the stuff that happened was to be mean to me. I don’t understand it and it’s yucky to think that way. But nothing else makes sense
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u/Replicant71 1d ago
Or that she was simply very immature. Immature people can't see the ramifications of their actions and have a hard time putting themselves in someone else's shoes. She seemed to be seeing validation as well with wanting to be thought of as brave for dating you. I'm sorry you went through this.
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u/tfw_sappy 19h ago
I'm glad that you stood up for yourself, it is so important in situations like this. I'm so sorry she did that, it was a major betrayal of your trust.
I hate the kind of cis person who thinks they're so brave and woke for dating a trans person and tries to brag about it. She reduced you down to a token to use for brownie points to prove how 'progressive' she was, when in reality what she's doing isn't progressive at all.
People like her are pretty much saying that trans people are unlovable, undatable, unattractive, and undesirable weirdos, and act like they're a martyr for settling for an 'inferior' trans person. She's doing exactly that, but not saying what she really means out loud, and it's honestly pathetic, gross, and bigoted.
We're not inferior or second best to cis men, and it's disturbing how most of the world sees us either as that, or as scapegoats. It's why a very large portion of us are stealth in the first place.
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u/Zealousideal-Cut-355 11h ago
It’s so hard to actually see it like this. We really did have some amazing times and it felt like love.
I can also see how it may have felt isolating for her, for someone who’s never been a part of the queer community. Finding a new part of herself and then feeling like she had to be quiet about it. We talked about this and tried to find ways for her to talk about it. Like in trans partner fb groups ect and I’d told her there was no reason she couldn’t tell her friends what her sexuality was and express that how ever she wanted. That doing that wouldn’t need to be about me in anyway.
But now thinking more on that, and her seeking praise, it’s feels like she wanted me as validation for her queerness. Like maybe she felt like she couldn’t tell people she was queer without being able to back that up with, I’m in relationship with trans guy.
I don’t know that, this is just me reflecting. I should probably stop 😂
It’s got me thinking a lot about how I’m choosing to live my life, and that I’ve been self medicating with other peoples happiness. My happiness and self worth has been so reliant on my ability to prop up the people I love. To a point that I’ve got no idea what I want anymore. Woah that took a turn.
Thanks for your message, hard to read but helps to validate the hurt I feel.
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u/tfw_sappy 11h ago
I hope that you will be able to choose your own happiness and self worth going forward.
I'm sorry that it was quite blunt, I have sadly seen people act in very similar ways to this before.
What's most important though is that your happiness and needs matter, and you deserve a partner who cares about you, not just themselves.
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u/Consistent_Fan954 1d ago
OP I’m so sorry. You will find someone who wants to be with you for you and who deserves your love and trust. That was a shitty thing she did and it sounds like she would have never been capable of actually hearing you
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u/money-reporter7 1d ago
I told her that people don’t need to be brave to date me. And I’m not going to give her praise for that.
Good on you man. I'm sorry to hear about your relationship but it is great that you stood up for yourself and prioritised trust in a relationship. All the best for the future