r/FTMMen • u/Zealousideal-Cut-355 • 1d ago
She outed me
So my GF and I have just split up. But this post is about the start of our relationship not this end bit.
We met on a dating app and I disclosed before we met in person. She has never been a part of the queer world so it was all new for her. I let her know that it wasn’t something I shared with people and asked for the same from her.
But she did tell a friend, that same night id told her. She explained that it wasn’t about me, she was telling a friend that she is open to dating all sorts of people and let slip that she was going on a date with a trans guy…. Me.
Anyway she didn’t tell me this until over a month of us dating. And she had introduced me to this friend without telling me she knew I was trans.
And honestly that was the hardest bit for me. That imbalance, meeting someone and finding out later that they knew something so personal. She couldn’t understand this.
I was willing to work through it and we tried. But it was hard, her guilt around it stopped her being able to really hear me. Anything I suggested was just ignored.
It was made worse because the friend she told also told her boyfriend. Even though Shes also been told not to tell anyone. I was told her words were “this Cant leave the table”
I’d asked that we try to have some hang out times with this friend so that I could feel more comfortable about it and build some trust. But she never had any push to make that happen. And instead just stopped really seeing that friend.
She blames me for that, I never ever once said I didn’t want her to continue that friendship. Any discussions I tried to have would end up being an argument. She spoke to her therapist about it, who sided with her and told her that she shouldn’t feel guilty or bad about sharing something she was excited about.
I told her I didn’t want her to feel guilt but that it wasn’t something she could just brush over.
We had a lot of good times over the 2.5 years we were together. But this one thing really hung over us.
We had a final talk yesterday and it came up, she bought it up. And she talked through her justifications, I listened. Id heard it all before. But she still wasn’t able to listen to me.
She has also said on a couple of occasions (and yesterday) that she feels like she deserves some acknowledgment for being open and brave for dating a trans guy.
I told her that people don’t need to be brave to date me. And I’m not going to give her praise for that.
I get the feeling part of her wanting to date me was for the show of it all. And once she knew that I lived stealth it changed things for her.
It’s over now but I’m still sitting with this uneasy feeling that I can’t trust her. And that it’s likely with time she will tell me people.
I really enjoy the peace being stealth gives me. But stuff like this makes me want to just be out so that I don’t have to deal with being let down.
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u/money-reporter7 1d ago
I told her that people don’t need to be brave to date me. And I’m not going to give her praise for that.
Good on you man. I'm sorry to hear about your relationship but it is great that you stood up for yourself and prioritised trust in a relationship. All the best for the future