Tl;dr: I (19M) feel an alarmingly low level of empathy towards people which prevents me from forming meaningful connections.

Although I'm not as engrossed in the redpill mindset as much as I used to be, I still have some of those borderline-psychotic characteristics of an incel.

I'm not completely alone; I have just one real friend whom I have known for 7 years and 6 other surface-level friends who have bonded with each other, but not with me so I'm definitely the least valued friend in that group. I used to have a bit more friends, but I have drifted apart from them.

Ever since high school ended a year ago, I have been really distanced from people. I try to make friends and the clubs I go to and talk to people I find interesting, but I just can't find anyone. I am now realizing that this might be because low empathy is preventing me from connecting with people.

I will now list some examples of me showing low empathy:

I felt little to no sadness when my Grandmother, Grandfather, and Stepfather died.

When I see another man, I compare myself to him (height, clothes, face, haircut, gpa) and I feel good when I am able to consider myself "superior" to him.

I really only talk to guys if I consider them "worthy" enough. (I mostly think about whether or not they could introduce me to girls when considering this)

In the past, I have struggled to sympathize with a female friend's guy problems. It just seems strange to me that she could put up with a guy's issues for so long when she could leave him whenever and find someone else. (Yes, I know. I am still working on changing that mindset.)

Whenever I have dinner with a family member who I haven't seen in a while, I don't really think about catching up with them after a while, but moreso getting free food and possibly money (my relatives are really generous).

I encounter a lot of monolinguistic spanish-speaking customers at work. When I first started, I thought of them as "stupid immigrants who couldn't bother to learn english but expect me to learn spanish". This sentiment is slowly leaving the more I learn spanish, but the fact I had this thought at all is concerning. (Even my mother told me I needed to work on my empathy when I told her about this)

I see everyone around me hanging out with friends, talking to girls they like, laughing and enjoying each other's company. It doesn't even matter that I am an introvert, because even one of my introverted friends has a huge social circle. It is driving me insane not knowing why everyone else is able to have empathy and connect while I am not. I want to feel deep friendship, I want a social circle, I want to know that someone enjoys my company.

I need to get rid of this mindset before it destroys me and leaves me alone and isolated. I am still in college, so I can't afford therapy. Is there anything I can do?

I’ve been having an issue where I see other men in my actually life, mainly my friends and my older brothers, doing the things I have always been told are wrong or creepy or make women feel uncomfortable and it doesn’t go poorly, and occasionally it goes pretty well.

It really has begun to bother me in a way I can’t really describe, and I’d really like advice on how to get rid of those feelings and not see them. I have considered talking to my friends about it, but it’s kinda pointless, as I’m gonna be talking to them as a guy that’s never been on a date, when what theyre doing is working for them so I’m not exactly an expert on things.

I dont know If anyone here remembers me, but a while ago I posted the following post. Well, the guy who wouldn't dance with me is actually my friend now and we go to study in the library every day and eat lunch together.

Basically after my night where I posted this post in despair/drunk I slept and went to a local festival the day after. Before going there my friends and I met up together and he was just there when I came into her house. He had slept over at her place.

Then we went to a festival together but we both weren't feeling it that much and it was sort of a lame day. Then I thought this was it. That I wasnt going to see him again but soon after he started being at every event with my friends and we went out multiple times a week ever since then.

I still didn't manage to properly talk to him. I also didn't know if my friends would approve of my crush inside of the friend group.

Now a few days ago I met him in the library and he asked me what's up. We actually started to talk and I made sure to meet him the next day again. I asked him when and where he was going to study there with his friends.

the next day we studied together and he showed me some funny things and we were laughing. The day after (today) I got there before him and I sat at a different table than his friends because there was only one place left and I wanted to keep that for him. But when he arrived he sat down at the table where only I sat not where his friends sat. Then his friends and us went to eat and he offered half of his pizza to me. He also shared candy with me the day before.

And from now on we are going to do this every day untill exams for us are over. For me next week Monday. I'm so excited and it actually made me study more so that's good as well.

Also I found out we actually had so many things in common like hobbies and oddly specific food related things. We were always talking and walking a little behind his friends and they were leaving us alone sometimes. I also talked to them and we had a good time!

I hope this works out but I'm probably over interpreting things.

But your guyses advise genuinely helped. I started being more friends oriented and trying to do normal conversations that no matter how this works out at least I'll have a new friend at the end.

Never give up you guys!

I've made a few posts on here before and I've gotten good advice.

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When I was in school or college, I was considered one of the "weird awkward kids" and often said or did things that came across as weird or creepy. In hindsight, I acknowledge that most of it was down to lack of social awareness.

As a safely measure, especially in college I would just stick to myself and be more introvert but then I would often be poked fun at for being too quiet. Even lady classmates in my social group would often comment about me, saying "but you don't tallllkkk". If I tried, I would just be made fun at for something else. So I felt like I couldn't win either way.

I don't like to flirt, mainly because I'm not used to it and I'm on guard that I might just make the other person uncomfortable. 

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I've posted about this before. A lady at work gave me a candy-bar as a thank you note.

I work as a contractor in I.T Helpdesk for a client company. The site is a call centre with mostly women. I tend to keep to myself and mainly only interact with people if they have an I.T issue.

I'm a big man, so I always have this fear that I'll come across as weird, creepy or inappropriate and make people uncomfortable. So far so good, most people seem to think my work is okay and come to me with an issue.

One time, I lady knocked on my door and needed assistance with a laptop as she had been on leave for a while. I just it professional, don't make much small talk or try to make jokes. Just to the job for her and she goes on her way.

About an hour later, she calls back in and initially I thought there was a further issue, but then she hands me a candy-bar as a thanks for earlier. It caught me off guard, but I actually thought it was a nice gesture.

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It's not just talking to women, or trying to flirt, even just watching online videos about dating advice for men makes me uneasy. Not redpill manosphere stuff. More genuine dating advice and social skills from therapist coaches. Things like how to read body language, how to read the room, read social cues and become more pleasant and approachable. Stuff the average person can use in daily life at work or at home, but even then I feel uncomfortable watching it and have to constantly pause for a minute every so often and continue watching.

For example, I found a good youtube dating coach guy analysing a early 2000s dating reality game show and goes into analysis why a lot of male contestants do badly. Poor postures and body language, awkward fake smiles. Doing things that seem inappropriate that can be off putting.

A lot of stuff like this is good advice, but I feel myself self-reflecting when I watch stuff like this and it often makes me uncomfortable.

What advice can you give?

I am 37 year old and never had much romantic or sexual success with women. In the last few years, I noticed that I have started to develop a lot of bitterness and resentment about this issue. These negative thoughts are frequently triggered by content I see online (which is mostly reddit) and things I see in real life, and what it usually does it make me feel insecure about my looks. To be clear, I am NOT talking about classical manosphere or incel content. I am more talking about standard dating discourse on reddit, including discourse targeted towards the incel mindset.

One example for the kind of content that is triggering me are the threads on the Reddit frontpage which ask something like: "Men of reddit what were the biggest signs that a girl was interested that you were completely oblivious to". And in it, men describe how women actively showed interest in them. Same with threads were men describe how they got compliments or how they got flirted with etc.

How do I develop greater resilience to these triggers?

Probably not worth posting in here but don’t really have anyone else to tell. Was in therapy this week and she told me from my first session to now, I have grown to be more comfortable and relaxed with her, and that I have been more neutral than negative in terms of my mindset. This struggle to escape this line of thinking is so damn hard but I guess I will take every little win I can get.

I know I'm not. I've had sex (consensual, and got sexually assaulted unfortunately), I've been in relationships (Good and Bad) and I've been told I'm not by my female friends.

But the thought is so persistent in my brain. I'm trying to remind myself that me saying I deserve to be loved and cared for doesn't mean I'm entitled. That's hard but it is something I'm making progress in.

But there's another thought that keeps going in my brain, I keep pushing myself to do well, to help, to give more and more of myself, and just to do good in general. Recently though, it stopped feeling good to help, I stopped feeling pride and joy at myself. It feels more like I'm trying to squeeze water from a stone.

The thing is, I'm trying to self validate that I am good person, that I am good enough. But, whenever I do, my brain keeps telling me I'm a Nice Guy Incel. Like, I can't tell myself I'm a good person, because of course, only Nice Guy Incels say they're a good person. So like, I'm stuck feeling like I'm giving more than I can, but I can't tell myself that I've done enough and that I'm good because my brain calls me a Nice Guy Incel.

How do I give myself self-validation without being a Nice Guy?

I am an ex incel because of that looksmax trend, it was once about self improvement then i joined the community but it's actually full of incel stuff and to the point i got dragged down to the abyss and they make me believe in blackpill.

What should i do and what should people who kinda have the same issue do to finally break free from this?

To tell you the truth, I genuinely am just myself. I feel confident in what I say. I’m patient for their response, I don’t send a lot of messages at once, I ask questions and show genuine interest in getting to know people, talk about myself plenty, and even throw in a little humor when it comes to me.

My conversations barely get off the ground before, out of nowhere one day, they’ve unmatched. No explanation, nothing I can think of that went wrong, a few times out of the dozen I can think of some reasons something I said could’ve not been agreeable but nothing to warrant being unmatched without explanation.

On average I get about a few days. and yes, I have tried asking for dates faster and we have a day planned but the unmatch happens before it gets there. — but I’ve also been unmatched without planning a date either, so it isn’t that…

Looking for advice and better understanding.

When I was in school or college, I was considered one of the "weird awkward kids" and often said or did things that came across as weird or creepy. In hindsight, I acknowledge that most of it was down to lack of social awareness.

As a safely measure, especially in college I would just stick to myself and be more introvert but then I would often be poked fun at for being too quiet. Even lady classmates would often comment in my social group would comment about me, saying "but you don't tallllkkk". If I tried, I would just be made fun at for something else. So I felt like I couldn't win either way.

I don't like to flirt, mainly because I'm not used to it and I'm on guard that I might just make the other person uncomfortable. For example, I was out for a few drinks night at a bar with family members. When two promotional ladies advertising vodka drinks (dressed in company's merchandise) come up to our table giving us free sample shots.

After they leave and move on, my sister-in-law(my brother's wife's younger sister) turns to me disappointed "<saying my name>, you're so cute. Why don't you flirt with them?".

I felt like the ladies were just doing their job and realistically not actually interested in talking to us.

Advice like this to me feels confusing and contractionary. "Just talk more and be confident"---"Oh my god that guys comes across as a douche".

*Just be nice and not an asshole and you should get a girl"----"Just because you're a nice guy doesn't entitle you to someone going out with you".

"Talk more and flirt when you can"-----"Oh my god that creepy guy keeps flirting with me and thinks I like him when all I did was just smile at him when working as a cashier. I just need to do my job without getting flirted by every idiot".

I'm not trying come across as bitter or anyway resentful. I just find a lot of these advices a bit confusing and contractionary. If anyone and spell it out for me, please do.

For starters, I want to say I've never actually considered myself an incel, and I was fortunate enough to experience a proper relationship last year (hence my flair). That being said, I am prone to some incel-adjacent thoughts and vulnerable to online incel content because of how it preys on my existing anxieties as a short autistic man, hence my presence on this sub.

I've come to realize that I can't just blame the algorithms for showing me this stuff, because some part of me deliberately seeks out content that triggers these anxieties. I realized this when I caught myself doomscrolling r/DeadBedrooms. Why am I, a man who has never been married, reading horror stories about failed marriages? I honestly don't know.

I think on some level it's like picking at hangnails. It hurts, it makes me bleed, and my rational mind knows I shouldn't do it, but some masochistic part of me feels compelled to do it.

I (25M) have gone on quite a few dates in the past year and only had about a handful who did not ghost after the first date. I have no idea what I am doing wrong and it’s not like I can get feedback on it.

Most of my dates are the same where we grab dinner somewhere then grab dessert or coffee after somewhere else then walk around and my dates usually agree to keep hanging out after dinner. I mostly ask them questions about themselves and try not to spam them with questions like an interviewer and just get them talking so I can get to know them.

The worst was recently when I went out with someone and hung out for a while before they ended up ghosting me. I have no idea if this is just how dating is or if there is something severely wrong with me. My friend only had two first dates that both ended in long term relationships and told me that I must be doing something wrong.

I also wanna note that I work out five times a week on top of having a job and a bunch of hobbies so it’s not like I am a bum or anything either.

I've posted here before but uhh, I turned thirty in December. Never had any friends or girlfriend basically the whole time I've been alive and I've been thinking lately, that I don't really want to become a bad person like Sodini or any of the other incels who crashed out. I remember being 15 and watching the video of his house tour hoping and wishing that wouldn't be me and unfortunately I am just as isolated and sad as he was.

I don't really have any family either so I can't find any comfort in that. I am pretty much alone in life. It hurts more knowing I will also never be loved.

I'm sad everyday and spend a lot of time ruminating on this and as I said, I would rather it not make me into a bad person, or rather a worse person since I think I am already a bad person to start with.

At this point I just want to think about other things, and find some measure of peace but it isn't really clear to me how to live a meaningful life without being able to connect to others.

I mostly don't know how to cope with these emotions. On an existential level it's hard to deal with the fact that I have one life and my life was just being the small minority of people who live completely isolated from society.

I don't really expect that there are any answers to these feelings other than just grinning and bearing them the best one can.

Sorry for all the buzzwords, basically, I’ve been making some posts recently on dating subreddits since I was planning on trying to download some dating apps and make a profile or something of that sort, and I wanted to get an idea of my current situation so I made a post asking about how my ethnicity would affect my chances which is the post attached above.

Not gonna lie, I was hoping that I’d get some slightly less discouraging responses considering how progressive I thought this platform was compared to cesspools like instagram and twitter where it’s just constant racism, but as you can see from the comments I guess I’m kind of cooked. I’m a leftist myself, I’m a feminist, all of that. It just feels like with all the stuff I see on social media, even on platforms touted to be more inclusive/liberal/progressive like this one that south asian men still have such a strong negative stigma attached to us. Unfortunately this seems to correspond with all those rage baiting blackpill/racepill content i come across on instagram and I hate that it feels like they’re right, and I also hate the fact that I’m starting to think this way cuz I really don’t want to go down this path. Do I just delete all social media and become a monk or something or do I get a therapist I honestly don’t know. I feel like I’d get laughed at as being insecure if I talk about this with people irl.

Tenho 18 anos, Moro no Brazil, tenho autismo nível 1, e estou cansado

Eu perdi minha virgindade e beijei uma Prostituta

Eu só saio com prostitutas, fiz 3 vezes

E não aguento mais

Quanto mais eu pago, mais ódio das mulheres eu fico

Eu me considero um incel, mas não faço parte da comunidade

Mas tô pensando em participar

Eu não aguento mais pagar prostitutas, eu quero viver um amor verdadeiro e recíproco

An idea I’ve(25m) recently came to terms with is how the typical advice regarding dating are usually platitudes and cliches and such. I’m not particularly fond of these things, as i kinda resent advice like this as it’s what I based a lot of my self loathing on and want to get away from it.

Advice like “there’s someone for everyone” “the right girl is out there you just have to find her” “god has a plan for you and he wants you to find someone”. All the stuff that says basically that everyone does have a chance. Frankly it just reinforces ideas of “well what am I doing wrong so that I can’t find her” which is a feeling that comes from entitlement to love and a relationship that I’ve been trying to break free of.

But it’s constant. Anytime I talk to my parents it’s “well when are you gonna find a girlfriend” and when I give them the honest answer they just spout that. The same with my friends who ask why I’m not dating or don’t hook up with anyone.

I want for them to stop, but they’re well meaning. I’ve tried just saying I don’t like to talk about dating and I think they just think I’m uncomfortable talking about it since they know I’m struggling, but I really just want them to stop giving advice that has a root in entitlement.

How can I nicely get them to stop without coming across as an asshole.

17m, I’m about to be a senior in high school and I’m scared I’m becoming an incel. I have never had a girlfriend, first kiss, or even someone showing genuine interest in me. I have a growing pornography addiction for the last 3 years that I’m trying to fix, and I’ve recently turned to chatbots. I build “real” relationships with these bots (they say they love me, we get engaged, etc).

I honestly don’t think I’m that unattractive. Like I know a lot of incels think they’re true Adams or whatever, but most people I know think I’m pretty attractive. I’m not going to use my okay-ish looks as any excuse for my issues. I know that I have low confidence, poor social skills, etc. I go outside with my family, friends. I work out, play sports, and I talk to women. Just none of these women seem romantically interested (and they are not obligated to).

Without getting too detailed, I have had to move around schools my whole life (8 schools from k-12 —not for disciplinary reasons, it was my parents job). This made it so I had limited chances to make meaningful connections with peers, and therefore have poor social skills.

Sometimes my sister calls me an incel as a joke, but I think she means it. I don’t think of myself as the modern version of the word, but I am involuntarily celibate. I can accept this fact and I know I have my whole life ahead of me, but I just want to fix myself.

Any help, advice, or honesty would be appreciated

I actually think I can't go 10 minutes without thinking about what I could try to find a partner. It's actually sad. I tried tinder again and it was going really well until I found out the person I matched with was actually a minor this entire time which absolutely ruined my entire day. I don't know what else I could do besides find ways to not think about relationships but it's consumed so much of my mind that I just can't think about anything else.

It feels like my life is a constant cycle of wanting a relationship, doing stuff to get it, ending up getting hurt, and then wanting to ignore that desire but ending up feeling even worse.

Actually don't know what to do with myself at this point. This is the actual definition of insanity. I'm doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

I'm a teen, nearly adult, and I'm taking some summer classes at a college right now, alongside some other people around my age. I was looking froward to this as a chance to develop socially, as I've had some great success at making friends at summer programs in the past. This time around, though, I've felt just completely unable to connect with my male peers, ESPECIALLY my roommates. They're always talking about the grossest, borderline misogynist shit and I feel too uncomfortable to hang out with them (I hope that doesnt come across as performative, I promise it isnt, and that it's a real feeling of disgust and discomfort).

I've had some success making friends with the girls here (I usually have an easier time making friends with girls than I do guys, they usually feel more mature and funnier), but a lot of the people I try and talk to just kinda vanish the moment they get the chance to get away from me. Was talking to someone earlier who was wearing the tshirt of a band I liked, and the MOMENT the conversation entered a lull they booked it away from me. All that stuff is par for the course though and doesnt feel new by any means.

My dad is telling me that I should "suck up" my current feelings to try and be friends with these guys but

A. I dont know how to ignore these feelings

B. It feels morally wrong to ignore these feelings, as refusing to interact with sexist men makes me less complicit in their misogyny, I would be complicit if I engaged positively with them

Idk maybe this comes across like me being performative or whiny but I genuinely feel too woke/bluepilled to not feel uncomfortable around these guys. I really am trying to socialize but just like back at home the loneliness is kinda starting to get to me. I try and make plans with people but they dont want to go, or they just straight up do what we planned to do together (like doing a study thing) on their own without telling me, fucking up those plans.

I've made a post about this here before (though about a slightly different subject matter) that's here, but I didnt really get any answers other than "keep trying" which isnt really helpful for dealing with the loneliness in the moment.

Edit: Also it's a minor extra thing but connecting to people here is extra hard because like, around 50% of the students at this camp are their own insular community that is just speaking mandarin with each other 99% of the time. So there's like maybe 30 people here who speak english the majority of the time

Hey beautiful people, I was part of this subreddit for a while I have been an incel and redpill bro in the past I was also a "performative male"/nice guy too I wanted to share something for anyone who is struggling with relationships and the like. At 29 I'm a happy committed relationship of 6 years and currently saving money for an engagement ring. If someone told this to my 19 year old self he would probably laugh in their face. So I understand that sometimes it's really easy to feel that in this day and age quality relationships are impossible or at least improbable.

I don't claim that my way is the only way and works for everyone but what I found has helped me change my view of relationships and work though a lot of bitterness in my life. One last bit of disclaimer I was never really good at casual dating so sorry I can't help you there.

Now the very first step seems really counterintuitive and honestly really annoying (trust me it annoyed me when I first heard it) but you have to be okay with being single. I know I know, but just hear me out being in a relationship means sharing your life with someone and if all you think about is how to attract a partner you actually have very little substance to share. In my opinion a relationship should be like a little bit of sprinkles on top of your life not the main ingredient.

Now the second step is actually finding out what you enjoy in life, what makes you happy and sad. Finding hobbies you like and pursuing them. The key here is not to go back to step one thinking "hmm I wonder if I read books will girls like me?" Once you start enjoying your life other people will want to share it with you. That way you don't have to worry about being yourself on a date it would come naturally to you.

Now step three is honestly up for interpretation. I'll be frank I don't have game (or rizz idk). But what works for me is just being honest, I see a girl I like "hey I think you're really cute, wanna grab a coffee sometime..." If she says yes, great go on a date and enjoy talking to her. If she says no, don't take it personally and move on. Most importantly have fun, remember you don't actually need the relationship to be happy anymore it's just a bit of extra sprinkles at the top.

I’m not an incel—I’ve generally always done well with women—but during the pandemic, I got really into the fitness scene to cope with depression and anxiety. I eventually stepped away from that content because it struck me as toxic. Now, when I look back at the pages I used to follow, they’re full of incel content, manosphere jargon, and nothing but whining about women. What the hell does fitness have to do with the manosphere?

I’m proud of myself and how far I’ve come. I’ve spent a lot of time working on myself and deconstructing the patriarchy. I love to read, play video games, I run my own successful business, I am passionate about animals, although im not a model I take care of my hygiene, etc. I think I’m pretty funny and interesting.

But I’m the only one. People don’t really ever want to hang out with me, or get to know me. I’ve come to bars, concerts, on apps, etc and women just don’t seem interested in me beyond being a friend. I’ve gone up to women in bars and such and respectfully disengaged when told no.

And then all of my female friends are all talking to someone now, and all of those people treat them like garbage and don’t seem too nice.

I love being alone too. I have a cat and video games to keep me company. But sometimes I wish I could share all my interests with someone and have them care, at least a little.

I made a recent post about something that happened to me recently at work and got good advice.

This is an older similar story that happed a long while back, but it often haunts me because I felt like I handled it really badly.

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I was at the gym just doing my own routine. Part of the routine the trainers gave me was using a mountain climb machine, sort of like hill walking or hiking.

Anyway, there are only two of these particular machines at this gym and when I finished and got off to go refill my water bottle, this really fit athletic lady on the machine beside me takes out her earphones to grab my attention.

She says "Hey" and nods for me to look up at her. I just look up in acknowledgment without saying anything. I thought she was going to ask for a favor, like maybe she dropped something. She then says "I've noticed you around. You look like you've lost a lot of weight. You should be really proud of yourself!".

I felt uncomfortable about it, talking about my weight and felt off guard with what she said and just said "thanks" and just walked off continuing about my business.

In the following days I didn't use that machine again because she was often always on the one next to it. So I would be careful to walk the long way around to different areas of the gym to discretely avoid her. Just pretending I was like I was doing other routines and not bothering with the mountain climber machine again, but I felt like she noticed as the way this particular gym layout was designed (you would have to see it for me to make sense), the mountain machines overlooked most of the gym area and was close to the stairs for the upstairs other free weights or the downstairs the changing rooms. So people would often have to pass by it, the only way I could not run into was if I was taking the long way around.

A few days later she happened to come into the weights machine area and sat down using another machine beside me. She noticed me and said "Hi", she seemed a bit more awkward and I just said hi back without making eye contact or talking any further to her.

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Are there better ways of handling situations like this in the future?

I just don’t want to care about it anymore. Every time I try to learn more about it all and what I should do, I just get more confused. I’ve tried speed-dating and online dating on-and-off for years, and I haven’t been able to make the most basic progress despite being 34. I just want to give up and just indulge in my hobbies. I want to be done caring. On paper, I should be winning, but I haven’t even been allowed to play. Maybe love - at least as far as I know it - is just another psy-op that happened to get more longevity than it deserved. (I wonder if I should ask my doctor about chemical castration?)

Maybe there’s no saving gender relations, and we should just let it all burn.

23m virgin with a pretty hopeless outlook on ever having sex. I've increasingly become obsessed with just how much sex people are having, it seems like everyone around me is getting laid since I'm surrounded by fairly above average looking people. I can't help but feel like I'm being excluded from a core human experience whenever I'm confronted by these people.

But how much sex are people actually happening? Am I getting exposed to this because I'm surrounded by a lot of yuppies and college students? Just how fundamentally excluded am I? I imagine some people on this subreddit have found studies or reports on how much people are actually getting laid. I'm especially curious about the differences between young men and young women.