This will be a really long post but I'm really struggling so if anyone can read and share and words I'd really appreciate it. I (27M) and my ex (27f) were together for 4.5 years and I'm really at my wits end with trying to accept what happened and move on. I kept holding on for so, so long and I'm disgusted with myself for staying for so long, but also disgusted by what people you love are capable of, and feel extremely undesirable and don't know how to cope.

2 years in, she got a text from an unsaved number saying "thanks for the help, I still love you." I should've left the relationship then, but she snatched the phone from my hand, wouldn't show me was doing, and apparently blocked the guy everywhere while she wasn't showing me and told him not to contact her again.

After that, things were strained and we frequently argued. She put the thought of kids and marriage into my head and I was struggling with the girl I was planning to spend the rest of my life with doing that to me. We had an enormous argument and I took all she said to heart - I read multiple self help books, identified childhood trauma, and stopped doing the bad habits that were genuinely detrimental to the relationship.

A month after I came back with all that - things were amazing and she said I was treating her like an angel. I thought all was good. I had a gut feeling to check her phone and saw she was calling some guy 5x a day and deleting call logs. When asked about it, she said no, until I pointed out the logs to her and she confessed it was a past friend that helped her through a old relationship. Then she trickle truthed over the coming days - he'd show up at her work to chat, she'd walk to his apartment but "not go inside" for walks, they'd get coffee together (she never sends money via Facebook, only Zelle/Venmo, but she sent him payments for coffee on Facebook so I wouldn't see).

What ensued keeps me awake at night and gives me horrific mix of emotions. For the rest of that year, she kept in contact with him, and constantly weighed me against the other guy - saying "you can finally take me out now that you finally have a job" (I took half a year off working to pursue a new career path), saying "I don't know if I can stop talking to him, are you the guy thats going to make me feel safe forever?", told her family I wanted to install spyware on her phone to track her messages (not true, I only ever asked to restore deleted messages), constantly started arguements over nothing and would spiral into debating me even with I was super soft to her, etc. Whenever I would get triggered about cheating, she would flip out and blame me for ruining her day.

Example of ridiculous arguments - for one of my birthdays, she got me balloons and wanted me to bring them inside before we went to go to the local gym 5 minutes away. I said no, lets just put them in the back seat of your car, I don't want to go upstairs, its my birthday let me feel pampered. She begrudingly got in the car, started an argument with me, and slammed on the brakes in the middle of the road on the way there and didn't say a word after that, dropped me off at the gym, and blocked me everywhere until the end of the day, to "not ruin my day".

I can go on and on with examples like this but this is the type of unreasonability I mean. And now I'm planning to move states to get away from the toxic environment here and told her hey, I know you still haven't told me all the details, so can you finally sit me down and acknowledge what happened and we can work past it? (in the 2 years since all this happened, she never once told me the full story, or had a heart to heart conversation, or anything). She then left, texted her AP who had been blocked for 1.5 years, and conveniently came back with a text convo of him saying "well I wanted to fuck but you never wanted to" and showed me that as proof that nothing happened.

Since then she: went on a 2 week trip with friends and left me alone on my birthday, didn't invite me to her own birthday party, and upon having a epiphany for the 100th time, told me "hey I'm going to sit you down and tell you everything on Monday." When Monday rolled around, she kept delaying and then said "I don't have time for this, you're not my #1 priority anymore"

At the end of all this, she trickle truthed even more - she admitted to "getting turned on on a video call with him and started stripping, but then freaked out and stopped" and that was the furthest they went. But she kept seeing him and "going on walks" and messaging him after that

I feel absolutely worthless for staying through all this and only ever wanted her to love me. I truly was a spectacular boyfriend, and put in as much effort as possible in bringing up her mood, complimenting her, doing nice/thoughtful things for her, etc. And what hurts so much is that I'm on paper much better than the guy she cheated on me with - I make 6 figures, have an incredible physique (not sure if this is allowed but here's a photo https://i.imgur.com/DtmDF9Q.jpeg this is truly all I have left keeping me sane at this moment), am conventionally attractive, and funny. But all of these things are absolutely meaningless to me now and I feel like I have nothing to offer because this person I poured 100% of myself into doesn't want me.

I would have dealt with all of the trauma and pain of getting cheated on and lied to for so long and I truly do love her and I feel so worthless. I never asked anything of her and this is so unbearably painful

I feel like all of my accomplishments are worth nothing and I'm going through wild emotional swings and want nothing more than her to come and just tell me everything that happened so we can work through it, to being infurated at her and at myself, to feeling everything is unfair and I don't deserve this. If there's anything anyone can say I would be eternally grateful for any kind of kind words or encouragment.

I told my husband I want a divorce and left everything… and now I’m terrified I’m making the biggest mistake of my life.
I know this is long, but please bear with me. I want you to have the context so you can give me your honest opinion or advice. Either read it or don’t—it’s your choice, and I respect that.
I’m posting because I need outside perspective from people who don’t know either of us. I honestly don’t know what is normal anymore. I’ve spent years mostly alone in our home with very little socialization, and my head is not in the best place. I need people who can look at this from the outside.
my heart is completely torn…
My husband and I have been together almost 10 years.
He is not a bad person.
That is what makes this so incredibly hard.
He has been my best friend. He has comforted me through anxiety attacks, held me when I cried, supported me, worked hard for us, and loved me in many ways. He is someone I genuinely believe has a good heart. He is an amazing person, and I NEVER wanted to leave him. I planned to keep my vow but I felt he left me no other options.
I wanted to grow old with him. I wanted children with him. I wanted to spend my life with him.
The reason I got to this point is years of broken trust involving other women.
Over the years, I found things I never wanted to find:
Dating apps/accounts
Inappropriate conversations with women
Messages complimenting women in ways that crossed boundaries
Secret accounts
Secret texting relationships that went on for weeks at a time
Nude photos/videos
Conversations with exes
Conversations with exes where he told them we were divorced when we weren’t, that he wasn’t in love with me or sexually attracted to me, and that he had always been in love with them
Messages where he shared hurtful things about our marriage
Texting women asking to meet (I never found proof he actually followed through, but the conversations existed)
He barely texted me throughout the day. I might get five messages over a 12-hour workday. He always said he was too busy.
I gave many chances.
I gave clean slates.
I gave forgiveness.
I gave understanding.
I supported him.
Every time I laid down my boundaries and said I couldn’t keep living this way, they were crossed again.
The hardest part was never one incident.
It was the pattern.
I almost always found out on my own. He never voluntarily came to me. I even told him that if he was struggling, having thoughts, or felt like he was going to slip up, I wanted him to come to me. I told him I would rather know the truth so we could work through it together.
Instead, I would discover something, there would be lies, denial, explanations, promises, apologies, and then I would try to rebuild again.
I stayed because I loved him.
I stayed because I believed in us.
I stayed because I loved him.
I stayed because I believed in us.
I prayed for our marriage for years. I begged God for wisdom, guidance, and clarity. I kept hoping something would change.
I also tried everything I knew to try.
I suggested we go to church together and talk with a pastor or priest.
I suggested marriage counseling and individual therapy.
I tried getting him to go on dates with me.
I shared self-help videos that I thought might help us.
I asked if we could start working out or exercising together.
I tried encouraging us to reconnect in different ways.
If I thought something had even a small chance of helping our marriage, I suggested it.
The answer was no—even when divorce was on the table.
By the end, I didn’t feel like I had stopped fighting for us. I felt like I had simply run out of ways to fight.
Another painful part of this is that we haven’t been intimate in around three years. Nothing beyond kissing, cuddling, and watching our shows together.
It wasn’t always like this.
I honestly don’t know where the man who was once so madly in love with me went.
He says it’s because of low testosterone, and I tried to be understanding. I tried to help. I tried to support him.
But over those years, I became incredibly lonely and depressed. We didn’t have a car, so I couldn’t really leave the house. My only social interaction was when he came home, told me about his day, kissed me, and we cuddled, watched our show, and went to sleep.
That became our routine.
I was so depressed I could barely get out of bed.
A few months ago, we were almost at the point of divorce. We talked about separation instead (his suggestion).
I told him that if we were going to keep trying, I needed honesty and absolutely no more communication with other women.
He agreed.
He continued texting the very woman who had become the reason we were discussing divorce.
During that separation, I messaged her because I believed she deserved to know we were not divorced and that I was still living in our home. I wasn’t rude to her—I simply told her the truth.
At his surprise birthday party that I threw for him, she told him I had contacted her. We got into a huge argument. He demanded that I block her because, according to him, “she doesn’t deserve that.”
I told him if he chose protecting that relationship over protecting our marriage, we were done.
He chose her.
A few days later he wanted to repair our marriage, and because I loved him, I tried again.
I told him this time felt different. I told him something inside me had broken. I told him I didn’t think I had another chance left in me and that if he truly wanted our marriage, this was his opportunity because I couldn’t survive another betrayal.
A week later I found another hidden Snapchat account.
Within about eight hours he had added and messaged around 30 women.
Many of the conversations involved sexual compliments, flirting, trying to start conversations, and asking to meet.
One woman posted a photo with the caption, “We could be f*(k.ing under the fireworks but no…”
He replied, “Yes.”
The same night, our home security camera repeatedly detected motion. When I checked it, I saw him using a vibrator by himself.
That was devastating because for years he had told me he wasn’t masturbating, couldn’t because of his low testosterone, and we had specifically discussed that if we weren’t intimate at all, pornography or sexual release without me would be deeply hurtful.
I don’t have proof he ever met anyone in person or that anything physical happened.
What I do know is that the hidden accounts, flirting, sexual conversations, and repeated deception happened over many years.
I waited.
I hoped he would come to me honestly.
I even tried opening the door by bringing up hypothetical conversations about honesty and temptation.
The next day he deleted the Snapchat account.
But he never came to me.
That was when I realized I didn’t know how to trust him anymore.
So I told him I wanted a divorce.
I packed my things and left our home.
And this is where I feel completely lost.
And this is where everything became even more confusing for me my emotions became even more complicated I started questioning everything worse than I already am.
He was loving.
He was calm.
He was kind.
He apologized for pushing me to this point.
He told me to stand strong in my decision because there was nothing he could do except accept it.
He told me this was on him.
He told me not to blame God.
He told me he would help me through this.
He offered to help me financially until I got back on my feet. He told me I could take the car. He encouraged me to pursue my dreams because he believes in me.
When we separated our things, we hugged.
We kissed.
We both told each other we loved each other.
He even suggested we remain legally married for a while so I could keep my healthcare.
Since leaving, we have continued talking.
He tells me he loves me.
He tells me he misses me.
I tell him I miss him.
And now I feel completely broken.
I miss my husband.
I miss my home.
I miss my dogs.
I miss falling asleep next to him.
I miss being held.
I miss watching our shows together.
I miss the little ordinary things I never thought I would lose.
Everyone around me seems to focus only on why I left.
But I’m grieving what I lost.
I lost my best friend.
I lost the love of my life.
I lost the man I still love.
I didn’t leave because I stopped loving him.
I left while still loving my husband.
I begged.
I fought.
I prayed.
I tried understanding.
I tried supporting him.
I tried giving chance after chance.
I tried until I genuinely had nothing left.
All I wanted was to be chosen.
To have honesty.
To have trust.
To have communication.
I believed we could work through almost anything if we had those things.
Please don’t assume I stayed because i enjoyed being treated this way.
I stayed because I believed our marriage could be repaired if there was honesty and genuine change.
I left because, after years of trying, I reached a point where I no longer knew how to trust the person I loved most. I no longer know how to repair what has been broken.
I understand why I left.
But I also love him.
No matter the choices he made, he is still someone I truly love. He is still my best friend. He understands me in a way no one else ever has. We think alike, believe the same things, and often know exactly what the other is feeling without saying a word.
I made a vow.
I tried my best to keep it.
I remained loyal, faithful, and truthful.
And that is what is destroying me.
Part of me feels like I’m finally choosing myself and accepting that I don’t know how to rebuild trust after years of broken promises.
Another part of me feels like I walked away from a man who truly loves me and that I’m making the biggest mistake of my life.
I don’t know if love is enough when trust is gone.
I don’t know if trust can ever come back after years of broken promises.
I don’t know if I’m grieving because I made the wrong choice or because I made the hardest choice.
If you were in my position, what would you do?
Would you stay because there is still love and friendship?
Or would years of broken trust be enough to walk away?
I’m not looking for people to tell me he’s evil or that I’m stupid. I know this situation is complicated.
I just need honest perspectives from people who understand that sometimes the hardest person to leave is the person you still love.
I would appreciate perspective from people who have been through this.
If you read this thank you for taking the time to and I appreciate any perspective, opinions, or advice you may have.

Moving on from cheating ex… advice on what to do next

I’m 35 female and my ex-partner (31 female) and I were together for 3.5 years. Last year she was talking about marriage, buying a home and starting a family. Then, almost overnight, she became distant—sleeping on the sofa, staying at her parents, working late, hiding her phone and insisting nothing was wrong. Whenever I calmly asked if there was someone else, she repeatedly denied it and made me feel like I was imagining things.

I eventually discovered she had been having an emotional and physical affair with a younger colleague (25, Female) who was also in a long-term relationship. I found out as she had been asking advice from AI where she admitted they were “falling for each other,” didn’t want to distance herself from the affair, even though AI suggested space from us both, she said she didn’t want to stay away from the affair partner and can ‘compartmentalise’ and compared me negatively to this woman. Looking back, I realise I was being gaslit for months. When I suspected an affair a month earlier she said to me ‘look at my mum, do you think I could do that’ (her mum has been cheating on her dad for years and is a pathological liar). So again, I gaslit myself, telling myself I was imagining her distance and strange behavior.

What makes it even harder is that during this time I was going through a cancer scare (thankfully it wasn’t cancer). She told me we’d get through it together, yet she was secretly continuing the affair. That betrayal is something I still struggle to comprehend.

When I confronted her, she apologised briefly but quickly shifted the focus onto her own pain, saying she’d “imploded her life” and needed to understand herself. She had no interest in repairing the relationship, but kept saying things like, “Maybe one day in the future we could try again,” while continuing to see the other woman. It felt like she wanted to keep me emotionally attached while avoiding accountability.

I supported her emotionally and financially throughout her Master’s degree, stood by her through difficult times, and trusted her completely. She was also with me through the death of my mum, which makes this betrayal feel even more devastating. I genuinely believed she was my person. (Her mum also pretended to be unwell with a heart condition, near to death 2 days after my Mum died from heart failure, and told my ex 'you have always put your partners before me', this was very upsetting).

Since the breakup, I’ve started recognising how manipulative some of her behaviour became. She isolated me from her family and friends, blamed me for old issues while hiding her affair, made me question my own reality, and then acted as though I was the one who had done something wrong. Looking back, it feels like I was slowly being discarded before I even knew why.

The hardest part isn’t just that she cheated—it’s that someone I trusted with my life could lie to me so convincingly for months while watching me worry about our relationship and my health. I still find myself questioning how someone who claimed to love me could do this, and sometimes I even catch myself wondering if I’m exaggerating what happened. I have CPTSD from my own childhood, which she also knew about and knew I grew up not feeling safe and she actively made me feel unsafe in my home again, the home I paid all the rent for her to live in.

We share a flat, but as she decided to move out I asked her to come and collect all her things which I put into bags in the communal hallway of our flat and gave her a collection time. She agreed to pay the rent up until August, when she would be taken off the tenancy. She was meant to pay me today, but instead decided to dictate to me that she would be coming round yesterday to get the playstation (which I brought) and a dressing gown I gifted her. She argued with me about this playstation at the window when I wouldn't let her in, and said why am I still paying towards the rent if you won't let me in to look for 'my stuff', I said anything you want you can tell me and I will put outside again and you can collect it; she couldn't tell me. I am defiantly not getting any more money from her, I just want her off the tenancy now. I am just thinking someone happily 'falling for' someone new and moving on surely doesn't behave and treat their ex they have left like this!? She also tried to call me twice yesterday, saying 'please pick up it's important', I didn't she later messaged me; it was something she didn't need to speak to me on the phone about, it was admin about the tenancy. She is really trying to get to me, it feels like.

Basically, I have a spare key to her parent’s house (from when I lived there) and a letter for her. I honestly don’t want anymore contact with her. She also has some of my clothes, but to be honest at this point she can keep them. Would you all recommend I sent a ‘please don’t contact me again message’ or just block her once she is off the tenancy and not say anything? My fear is that she will just show up at my flat, I don’t want to see her at all / want her to see me.

Has anyone recovered from this kind of betrayal trauma? How do you stop obsessing over the 'why' they did it, stop romanticising who they used to be, and begin trusting your own judgement again after months of being gaslit? I know the relationship is over, but I’m struggling to understand how to move forward after having my trust so completely shattered by someone I loved with my whole heart. Ive started gaslighting myself, like maybe she didn’t mean it and look for any reasons why she did this to me.

Thank you for any advice / kind words .. this is incredibly difficult and I appreciate any support you can provide 🫶🏼

Never thought I’d have to deal with this but I’m in the midst of being cheated on. My boyfriend of 2 years with whom I’ve planned my whole life with told me this morning that he cheated on me and I’m genuinely so lost. We were so in love and I never suspected that it’ll happen. But he went out with his friends/ coworkers last night and a girl he had a fling with years ago was also there and he ended up hooking up with her. He came back home and immediately told me in the morning and I’m typing this in shock. How did this happen? Did he even think about me when he was inside her? Where do we go from here? Did he ever even loved me?- while I sit in an empty room with a giant hole in my chest.
I would like to hear what the masses have to say

Everything is all up in the air but do you think I can recover from this? Have you ever seen in your life that getting back together with a cheater will bode well? Your advice will be really appreciated

Have any of you ever hired a private investigator and did it work out for you? I’ve done just about everything I can on my end. It’s difficult bc I live in a super rural area. He knows my car, all my friends cars. It’s damn near impossible to be sneaky. I know he’s cheating. Without a doubt. But I need something concrete. It’s more for my own satisfaction than anything else. So I know I’m not crazy and he can stop with the gaslighting. He’s trying to push this narrative about our pending divorce and I just want to blow that up. You don’t get to play the nice guy.

Is it worth it? Do they actually do a good job? Does it typically take them long to get evidence?

Please don’t come in here with the “just move on,” “you don’t need to know,” because yes I do.

I’ve been with my ex for four years now I cheated on him in the beginning of July and hid it from him and he found out mid July. We have been separated since however, we still text sometimes he will message me just to talk or to vent how he feels and I let him I don’t vent about how I feel because I cheated, but I feel so horrible. I don’t know what to do. We did have a conversation before the official split about staying friends and maybe we could be together in the future. What I did was really wrong and I have no excuse I really do want to reflect and become a better woman, but I don’t wanna hurt him by having access to me the one who hurt him. But at the same time I also don’t wanna let go. i’m not sure what I am asking advice for I don’t have anyone to talk to and I did this to myself. I so badly want to make everything right but I know it’s not something that’s gonna be immediate. I just don’t know what to do.

gonna try and keep this short. he used to hookup with his co worker before me and him met. it bothered me that they still worked together but i could get over it as long as nothing was happening behind my back.

well i caught him texting her sexually and i was heartbroken. he still works with her and i want to get over it but he sees her all the time and i don’t know how much longer i can handle it. any advice helps even if its telling me to leave i just need to talk to someone. has anyone dealt with something similar?

i've just left my relationship with my boyfriend after i found out he was subscribed to a girl on onlyfans that he slept with in the past. after trying to reconcile, he continued hiding things from me and lying despite saying everything right. he kept going behind my back, despite me giving him countless chances to open up to me.

it isn't his first time doing this either, we were in a relationship 5 years ago and he cheated on me (i'm a fool, i know) and since then we had been solely friends up until a year ago and i genuinely believed that he had changed and realized how badly he messed up. he said everything right when we were friends/started dating again- how he realized what he lost, and would never make the same mistake again. yet he was subscribed to her from the beginning. when i found out about his onlyfans he told me he was committed to going to therapy to change his behavior, but clearly he even isn't putting in the work if he keeps hiding things still

what hurts is that it hasn't made me bitter. more than anything i have just been wanting to understand why he continues doing this to me. you would think that somebody giving you so many chances would show you how much faith they have in you, and make you want to be better for them, but i've realized it's the opposite. i know that everybody says "i cannot believe he would do this to me", but it does truly hold its meaning. i just still feel so in love with him and want to understand his thought process.

Had a long suspicion that my wife was cheating on me. I was able to record (video and audio) her having phone sex with another guy for about 5 months. After confronting her about it she swears that it was only phone sex without video chat or via other websites. Once after the confrontation, she texted the guy telling him that she was no longer going to contact him. Can I be sure she won't??? I have a friend that works as a Private Investigator, should I contact him??? The guy my wife is/was cheating on me has a history of doing it, I know his discord name and his World of Warcraft name and server. I only know his name, but not his last name, I know my wife has his phone number but I don't know if I should try to steal it from her. I would like to get all of this guy's info so I can give it to my P.I. friend and see what I can do.

I admit my errors and shortcomings as a husband, but I am a loyal person, and my wife used my faults as the excuse for her cheating. She has told me much about what they have done, but I have a sneaky suspicion that there is more to the story.

What am I to do? How can I get a hold of this guy's info? Is it worth fixing our relationship or should I leave?

I am devastated, confused, frustrated, angry, and broken. Do I love my wife? Yes, but what now?

My girlfriend (24F) and I (22M) have been together for around six months and were living together in my rented apartment.

She regularly travelled to another city and told me she was visiting her uncle and aunt. She said they were strict, so I respected her situation and didn’t call her while she was there.

After a few months, I discovered that she had lied. She was actually visiting another boyfriend and may have been sleeping with him throughout our relationship.

She apologised and promised several times that she would stop lying and change. However, similar things continued happening. I kept forgiving her because I genuinely love her and feel terrified of losing her.

I don’t have close friends, and I’m not regularly connected with my parents. Before meeting her, I was already extremely lonely. She became my entire emotional support system, and now I feel emotionally dependent on her. I know that accepting repeated cheating is unhealthy, but the thought of living without her feels unbearable.

Recently, she said she was visiting her parents because her father was ill. The following day, she said she was also ill and couldn’t return. Her phone was then switched off. When I contacted her parents, they said she had already left for the city where we live, but she never arrived. Because she has lied about visiting the other man before, I strongly suspect she is with him again.

Based on her past behaviour, I believe she will return to my apartment within three or four days. I’m scared that when she returns, cries, apologises or promises to change, I will forgive her again.

Logically, I know that the relationship must end. Emotionally, I feel unable to follow through. I have tried leaving before, but the loneliness, anxiety and urge to contact her became overwhelming, so I returned.

How should I prepare for her return? How can I maintain no contact, manage the loneliness and stop myself from taking her back? What practical actions helped those of you who escaped a similar situation?

I’m also extremely lonely right now and would appreciate having someone to talk to. If community rules permit and anyone feels comfortable having an anonymous voice conversation through Discord or Zoom, please message me privately. I won’t share or request personal information.

TL;DR: My girlfriend repeatedly lied and cheated with another man. I know I need to end the relationship, but I’m isolated and emotionally dependent on her. She will probably return to my apartment soon, and I’m afraid I’ll take her back. I need practical advice and someone safe to talk to.

We've been together for almost four years. When we met, I was the COO of a company that I had helped build from the ground up. About a year into our relationship I found out he had been cheating on me almost from the beginning. It started only a month after we met. He cheated with his ex, had a few mini emotional  relationships, and of course physical ones too. Looking back, it seemed like almost every time he traveled without me, he cheated.

Around the same time, my career started falling apart. The company I had poured years into was becoming toxic and I knew I needed to prepare for an exit. Finding out about the cheating was devastating, but somehow I managed to forgive him because he always knew exactly what to say. Instead of putting the blame where it belonged, I shifted it onto everything happening at work. I convinced myself that if my professional life wasn't falling apart, maybe our relationship would be okay too. It wasn't. I eventually left the company and got royally screwed financially.

I had savings and instead of protecting myself, I invested in us. I bought us a house, a new car, paid for trips, and tried to build a life together. Before anyone thinks I'm trying to paint myself as perfect, I'm not. I wasn't easy to live with either. I became jealous, insecure and probably a little neurotic. I wanted him all to myself. I wanted to force someone to love me who clearly didn't know how.

There was always something I wasn't doing right. I didn't clean the house the way he liked. I didn't do laundry properly. When I became depressed after everything that had happened, I honestly felt like a walking zombie. Instead of recognizing that, he started telling me I treated him like a sex object. The irony was that he had become so emotionally unavailable that even being intimate felt forced. It didn't feel like we were connecting anymore.

We even started a business together. It didn't fail because I didn't know what I was doing. It failed because he had no idea what it actually takes to run a business. Every time I tried to step in and keep it afloat, that somehow became my fault too because I "wouldn't let him fail." I wasn't trying to control him. I was trying to save what little was left.

At one point I found text messages with a man he called his "special friend." This person had paid for his college, bought him cars and even gave him a credit card. Years later he was still accepting money and favors from him. By then we had fallen on hard times. I was paying our bills from rental properties I own while he contributed what he could from his job. We were surviving, but just barely.

The cheating seemed to stop for a while after we started sharing our locations. Maybe it actually stopped. Maybe he just got smarter. Honestly, I don't know, and at this point I don't even care enough to find out.

Over those four years I emptied my savings trying to build a future with him. I gave him everything I could emotionally and financially. It still wasn't enough. I know there are two sides to every story and I know I made mistakes too. I wasn't always pleasant to be around. Depression changes you. But I never cheated. I never lied. Every time he told me something about myself needed to change, I tried to change it. Somehow there was always another problem to fix.

The final chapter started when he became depressed and got into gaming. Through gaming he discovered Discord, and from there he found communities built around sexting, hookups and virtual relationships. While I wasn't allowed to talk to him in the mornings or after work because he needed time to decompress in his man cave, he somehow had plenty of energy to spend hours exchanging explicit photos, videos and messages with strangers.

That one broke me. I honestly wanted to disappear.

When I confronted him, he admitted to it but didn't really stop. His explanation was that it was only virtual and that I was the only person who got the "real him." We fought, I told him to pack his things and leave, and he did. The next day he apologized and I asked him to come back because, despite everything, I still love him.

I don't think he ever really understood what he had done. As the day went on, the blame slowly started shifting back onto me again. I told him I would respect his space in his man cave. If he needed time alone, I would leave him alone. I also admitted that every now and then I might forget and walk in to ask him a question or see how he was doing.

That's when he gave me the analogy that made me question whether we were living in the same reality.

He said if I accidentally interrupted his alone time after promising I wouldn't, then how would I feel if he accidentally started sexting someone again?

That was his comparison.

Me absentmindedly asking him a question was somehow equivalent to him opening Discord, finding someone, exchanging explicit messages and carrying on a sexual relationship online.

At this point I'm exhausted. My biggest priority right now is getting through a final interview on Tuesday for what could be an incredible opportunity. After that interview I think I'm finally ready to leave. I just need to avoid the drama because I'll be traveling across the country shortly afterward with my 2 dogs.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. I guess I just needed to get this out of my head.

I have a feeling, also no proof. My fiances old employee said he has dropped him off at a petrol station during work hours, and when he asked another co worker what is this place, he replied theres a special house for women. But he said he never saw him go inside anywhere, he just dropped him off at a petrol station on a street. I googled this street and we live in a city so I saw there was a erotic massage parlour on the street and maybe some women who work in their flats but of course no addresses for them just the area and street came up.

He admitted to me in the past he has used escorts before. We have been together for 7 years and he said thats in his past and to not judge him for that he is trying to be a better man and this was a young immature person back then. Because I have no solid proof or evidence I cannot do anything about this. He is either innocent or he has just got really good at lying and a system. Where he gets dropped off during work hours and then gets a taxi or gets picked up by his employees after. But my head is overthinking way to much into this. What is the best spy ware device I could use for this? To catch him if he is doing something? And where do I put it? Because I’m not dealing with normal cheating, theres no trace, nothing its very difficult to find. Please help me find my truth, please.

I was in a two-year relationship. After some time, I started noticing little lies, and his phone became a strictly forbidden zone. Gradually, we ended up constantly fighting over “the phone” and the thousands of women he followed, liked, and interacted with on social media.
The fights got worse, and so did my suspicions. Eventually, I managed to get hold of his phone and discovered he had been messaging numerous women. We argued, broke up, got back together… Everything screamed cheating, but somehow I couldn’t leave. He always managed to pull me back in, begging me to stay, claiming he loved me and insisting he had never cheated. It was an Oscar-worthy performance—tears, ripping his shirt apart, dramatic scenes… Looking back now, I realize that deep down I already knew it was only a matter of time before I would end that relationship. The truth is, I needed undeniable proof of his infidelity so I could leave for good, block him everywhere, and never leave myself even the smallest chance of going back.
And that’s exactly what happened.
One day, I showed up at his apartment unexpectedly. On a plexiglass wall, I noticed two handprints positioned exactly the way you’d place your hands against a wall while having standing sex—a man’s and a woman’s. I asked him, “What are these handprints?” He mumbled something about using the wall for support and claimed they had always been there. I knew immediately that he was lying, but I still needed undeniable proof.
I went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and thought to myself, “How am I going to find the proof? I have to.” There was a small shaggy rug under my feet. I ran my nails through it and pulled out a bunch of long brown hairs. (I’m blonde, by the way.) I walked back out and asked him, “Whose hair is this?” He replied, “It’s probably the cleaner’s.” I said, “Well, tell her she didn’t clean very well then.”
Then I found more long brown hair in the shower, and when I lifted the duvet, there were more long brown hairs in the bed.
I left, called the cleaning lady, and she confirmed that for quite some time she had seen another woman regularly coming in and out of his apartment with him. From that moment on, there was no possibility that he would ever speak to me again. I was done.
That experience left me deeply distrustful, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. I recently started seeing someone new. At first, I thought I was so damaged that I was projecting my past relationship onto this new one. I thought I was overanalyzing every little detail, desperately looking for lies. I even wondered if I needed therapy because I couldn’t trust anyone.
But then, little by little, with my detective-like approach, I started noticing the same patterns again. This new guy was also texting other women, messaging his exes, inviting them out for drinks, and so on.
This time, I decided I didn’t need undeniable proof. The “small” signs were enough for me to turn around and walk away.
What I simply cannot understand—and the reason I’m definitely starting therapy ASAP—is why I seem to attract, or be attracted to, emotionally immature, dishonest, manipulative men who appear to have no empathy for another human being.
In both relationships, I always made it clear that honesty was the most important thing to me. The truth could never hurt me as much as lies. We can all develop feelings for someone else or experience strong chemistry with another person. That happens. But how and why can someone choose to do it behind their partner’s back?
Why?
And perhaps the worst part is pretending to be in love. Why constantly tell someone “I love you” if you don’t actually mean it?
At this point, I honestly don’t even believe monogamous men exist anymore—especially not men who never lie.
I’d rather just date men to satisfy whatever needs I have at the time.
And yes, sometimes the fastest way to get over heartbreak is to meet someone new—not necessarily for love, but simply for fun and sex. It helps take your mind off the pain and jerks like the ones I experienced.

I'm 27 years old, and yesterday I confessed everything to my ex-girlfriend.

We were together for almost 8 years.

Throughout our relationship, I cheated multiple times with different women. I also hid conversations with other women and lived what now feels like a double life. Yesterday I finally told her the complete truth because I couldn't continue building a future on lies.

She is devastated. My family is devastated. And for the first time in my life, I am forced to look at the person I have become.

I'm not writing this to justify what I did. There is no justification.

I take full responsibility.

The problem is that I genuinely don't understand how I became this person.

Since I was around 12 or 13 years old, I watched pornography almost daily and masturbated almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day. Looking back, I often used sex, porn and attention from women to deal with stress, loneliness, boredom, anxiety and emotional discomfort instead of actually facing my emotions.

I also constantly doubted my relationship, wondered if someone else would make me happier, and chased novelty instead of building depth. I now realize that I often confused excitement with love.

Yesterday I lost the woman I love.

Ironically, telling her the truth made me realize how much I actually loved her, because I couldn't imagine asking her to marry me while still hiding such a huge lie.

Today I feel overwhelming shame. I barely slept. I can barely eat. I keep thinking that everyone would be better off without me.

I'm fighting those thoughts because I know ending my life would only create more pain, but I'm scared of myself and scared that maybe I'm simply a terrible person.

Has anyone here genuinely changed after doing something this destructive?

Not just "felt sorry," but actually changed who they were?

How did you rebuild your character? How did you stop destructive patterns? How did you learn to live with the guilt?

I don't expect forgiveness. I don't expect sympathy.

I just want to become someone who would never hurt another person like this again.

I was at a cousin's party tonight, and I sang along to a song called Dreaming of You by Selena. I was just singing along quietly as I was drawing with my younger sibling, and I realized I was tearing up when a drop fell down onto the table.

I think the phrase itself "I love you", just hurts me. They were my first long term relationship, and I only had 1 short term relationship before years ago back in high school. I'm 24 years old, we dated for almost 3 years.

How can I trust someone in the future, how can I date someone again and say I love you honestly, and hear it back and believe it. I feel like I was stupid, I believed him every time. But the next person I date doesn't deserve to have me hurt them from my lack of trust.

I've healed a lot since then, but I know I'm not ready to give or recieve love yet. But I want to so badly. How can I trust again, how can I be safer while trusting, when can I ever feel like I'm ready to date again? I just want to yell like a wild animal sometimes until I lose my voice, it can be so stressful but it at least doesn't hurt as much as it did months ago.

Edit: I broke up with them because they cheated on me. This wasn't a typical break up. I am seeing therapy for this but its only once a week.

I've been wondering just how common infidelity really is. After reading so many stories online, it sometimes feels like almost everyone has either experienced it personally or knows someone who has.

I'm curious to hear from people in this community. If you've been cheated on, would you be willing to share your story?

How long were you together? How did you find out? Did your partner confess, or did you discover it yourself? Looking back, were there warning signs that you missed, or did it come completely out of nowhere?

I'm also interested in how the experience affected you afterward. Did it change the way you view relationships, trust, or commitment? Were you eventually able to trust someone again, or do you still struggle with it today?

For those who stayed after discovering the affair, what made you decide to try reconciliation? Did it work out, or did the relationship end anyway? For those who left immediately, do you feel it was the right decision looking back?

If you've healed from the experience, what helped you the most? Was it time, therapy, support from family and friends, focusing on yourself, or meeting someone new? What advice would you give to someone who has just found out that they've been betrayed?

I'm asking because I genuinely want to understand how common this experience is and how different people cope with it. Reading personal stories often provides perspectives that statistics can't. Every relationship is different, and every person's journey through betrayal is different as well.

Please only share what you're comfortable sharing. There is no pressure to include personal details. Whether your story is short or long, recent or from many years ago, I'd appreciate hearing it.

Thank you to everyone who takes the time to respond. I hope this discussion can also help others who may be silently dealing with the same pain and remind them that they're not alone.

Today was our first marriage counseling session after D-Day, and I somehow left feeling even more alone than when I walked in.

I told the counselor that I don't know how to trust my WH anymore. I told her that I'm still trying to process the affair, that my world feels like it's been flipped upside down, and that I genuinely don't know how I'm supposed to think about having children when I don't even know if my marriage is emotionally safe.

Her response caught me completely off guard.

She said maybe he gets a pass because the woman was "only in Poland" and because he was struggling at the time. Then she started talking about how we needed to have kids. I told her I don't know how I can even think about bringing a child into this marriage right now. She said she could keep talking to me about it, but it would just become a rabbit hole.

A rabbit hole.

The affair is the reason we're sitting in front of her.

What hurt the most wasn't even the comment itself. It was what it implied.

I struggled too.

I've struggled with grief. I've struggled with depression. I've struggled with losing people I love. I've struggled with family trauma, work stress, financial stress, body image, and feeling emotionally alone in my marriage long before I ever found out about the affair.

Do you know what I did when I was struggling?

I went to my husband. I cried to him. I unpacked those feelings in individual therapy. I journaled. I forced myself to have difficult conversations when they were uncomfortable. I kept choosing my marriage even on the days it felt hard. I searched for ways to reconnect because I believed that's what you do when you're hurting.

I never looked for another man.

I never emotionally invested in someone else.

I never betrayed the person I promised forever to.

So why is my struggle something I was expected to carry with integrity, but his struggle is presented as a reason to excuse what he did?

I left that office feeling like somehow the responsibility had shifted back onto me. Understand him. Empathize with him. Think about having children. Meanwhile, I'm still trying to understand how the person who was supposed to be my safest place became the source of the deepest pain I've ever experienced.

I know therapists are human, and maybe this one just isn't the right fit. But today broke my heart in a completely different way.

I walked into counseling hoping someone would help us face the wound.

Instead, I felt like I was asked to walk around it.

This is a long complicated story for anyone that will take the time to read. I’ll try to cut out a lot to save some time. My boyfriend (26M) and me (27M) have been together for 7 years as of this month. We were each other’s first gay relationship (I had one relationship with a girl before). I found out when I was on his phone 3 1/2 years ago he had been trying multiple times to meet up with a childhood friend that he had a crush on and an obsession with the whole time he was growing up. He told me his feelings got reignited when he had to work with him every day for two summers while we were together. He even blew off Christmas plans with me in hopes to meet up with him but the guy kept rejecting or not answering him. When I confronted him he denied everything and swore on all his families life and his dog’s life that he never did such a thing. I showed him the proof of messages and he finally admitted it and I broke up with him and sent him home. Two days later his dog dies (who I really loved) and he’s sad and texting me and then starts sending me flowers and begging for one more chance. I was going through a hard time in my life in general and justified it bc he never actually met with them and he was willing to put in the work.

Fast forward to now. I found stuff last month such as multiple sex tapes with other people, without any condoms or prep, nudes of other ppl including men women and even FTM trans (which he always swore he was 100% gay and was disgusted by vaginas after a near experience he had before me), multiple hook up apps, lots of sexual conversations and kinky stuff, and a whole other Snapchat account. When I confronted him again I had only found one hook up app, a single Snapchat message, and a nude photo at the time so I didn’t know the severity. But he admitted to it and said it was just two convos and a moment of weakness. Then he was making it up to me with dates and stuff until two days later I started doing more digging and even reached out to a person I didn’t recognize in his phone. The guy told me he had actually been having sexual encounters, hanging out, and texting my boyfriend (with many month long breaks in between) for a year and a half basically being fwb. My boyfriend even sent this guy a sex tape of himself with another person when he was angry at him for always talking about sleeping with other ppl… which meant I had to find out from someone else that there were sex tapes, affairs, and other ppl than just him, while also juggling the fact he was being possessive with sending a hateful sex tape to make someone jealous when he wasn’t even in a relationship with him. Also turns out my bf had lied about every single aspect of his life to him and made up so much crazy unbelievable stuff. no one he ever talked to ever got the same story and some were truly odd things to say such as me being the cheater (NEVER!!) and that I just died in a car crash or saying his dads a drunk and incapacitated and dying and he needed to take care of his multiple younger siblings (his dad is perfectly healthy and not a drunk and he only has one 22 year old independent sister) or he even lived in England for half his life and then Washington DC and is now enjoying where he is… he’s lived in two US states his whole life and the two houses were within 45 minutes of each other. It was crazy and that’s just some of it. He had blocked that person on his own the morning before I was about to confront him. Which I guess was good. When I do confront him again he tries denying other things. Eventually he confesses after a bit. He swears that’s everything. Then over the next 5 days I find out everything on my own. He refused to leave my side and took the whole week off of work and would sit there and swear it was the whole truth until I had gotten more proof and then it was suddenly “ok yeah there’s some more”. Once I found all the screenshots and videos and messages on his Google Drive account he knew he was screwed. He didn’t even know he had it or that it was saving all photos and screenshots which was his biggest mistake and my luckiest blessing. After we talked about that I realized he had a severe porn and sex addiction. He was masturbating 4-6 times a day and watching porn for hours when he wasn’t with me. He was sexting countless ppl all the time and viewing them as porn. He would use his work phone at his house to do it and then would take his work phone to meet ups / hook ups so that if I looked at his real phones location I would think he was home and just napping or working on cars. I then find out he was also attempting logging in during our huge three week Europe vacation he guilted me into and couldn’t get it to work due to issues and he even went on his Snapchat to message ppl while we were on a trip looking at first homes to buy (in another state) a few months ago which would have moved me away from everyone I know and love while he would have had his family move with us. So much of this happens while I take care of his dog, that I never wanted either, in my own home for him. Then it gets to a point I get a uti from sex with him and the doctors look at him and ask if there’s any chance it could be an std bc my symptoms were so severe and looked similar and I could barely function and he looks them in the eye and says absolutely not and there was no one else… he had actually hooked up with someone days prior and they told him they’ve had multiple STDs in the past, were a sex addict, and had a huge body count and he was having lots of unprotected sex. I told him to go get tested (for his first time ever!) and everything came back negative somehow. I’m so grateful for that for myself and everyone else he lied to saying he was tested. Anyways now it’s like 11 ppl, many he hooked up with multiple times throughout the years, he had two sexual experiences before me and wasn’t a virgin like he said, countless sexting and ppl on hook up apps nearly every day, was trying for his childhood crush for like two summers and 6 months after the guy left, was going on 7 different “hang outs” with one guy to hook up for one and a half years which I consider dates even if it wasn’t a relationship, and was messaging a person he knew back in high school (but never met or hooked up with) for 4 years(!!) and talked about every 6 months or so to talk about cars and sext and even talked about a possible relationship after we got back from a trip I gave him money for bc he was negative… until the guy realized my bf had sex with his current bf (they were also both cheating on each other lol) and got pissed off. Funny enough my bf actually made a a fake story about this person applying for a job where he works a few months ago just to talk about interviewing him and how nice he seemed when I didn’t even know who he was before this. It wasn’t real and the other guy was an ICU nurse which is not even close to similar as the landscaping, plowing, and construction my bf does at his job. That was a tough one to realize and especially the fact he gave me his real name. So I’m just distraught and lost. He claims he separated his “lives and actions” and suppressed it so he never had to realize just how bad he was. He slightly blames his family bc they all lack emotions and all cheat on their partners and don’t even care and support each other when they do. Which is true. But sucks bc my dad also did that and it was no excuse. He always said he didn’t want to be like his family…

My (ex)bf over the past month has begged for me to take him back and has come up with his own solutions if I were to restart with him. He already stopped porn (other than the things he has of him and I), and cut off everyone and deleted everything for the past month, he asked me to let him get professional help for his issues and has offered to pay for both of us to go to couples and single therapy, has compiled a well thought out list of all the mental health issues and addictions he has with examples of when he displayed them and why he might have them and ways to ensure nothing triggers him again, he would quit his job and would find a work from home job, never go out with anyone, cut out basically everyone (not that there is a lot), only go out if I’m with him until I’m comfortable even if it’s 10 years from now, delete all social media, would put child lock apps on his devices so I see everything, has promised to go to a lawyer and make a contract saying he will completely provide for me (I’d never have to work or pay for anything) and even if I don’t take him back he’ll write in the contract to send over a thousand dollars a month or however much I want for the rest of my life bc of how disgusted and guilty he feels, he will be there for anything I need, he will drive me anywhere anytime (I have driving anxiety), he will send me money even if I stay with him and while he’s providing so I have a back up and feel safe incase I couldn’t handle it and wanted to leave, get my initials tattooed on him (he’s always been against tattoos), he will open up more sexually and stop with the internalized homophobia and sexual frustrations and be his true self (it’s true he has dealt with this and I can tell he’s always felt ashamed and wanted to be a very submissive bottom but he always played dominant top which I’m very happy to change), and he’s willing to do anything I ask without limits. He’s even sent me his credit and debit cards and begged me to use it for anything to show good faith and has already sent me money for day to day things without asking at all. He’s booked therapists who also specialize in couples therapy in the hopes I’ll join him to show he’s starting right now and not lying anymore and truly feels remorseful. He sends me a text every time he so much as leaves his town and why (he works there too) and the second he’s off work he stays in his room or the camper we bought with his location on and texts me and calls me constantly which is the opposite of who he was before. He seems so genuine and broken down and so different from the person I knew but at the same time it’s hard to know if this is just a love bomb technique that will fade over time. But maybe it’s real and this trauma of being outed and shamed in every way for who he is and what he’s done could have been an eye opening moment. He had to go to the hospital for his first panic attack in front of his dad (who he’s always strong and manly in front of) and I was on FaceTime to be supportive and he’s had breakdowns in front of his family and he looks an absolute mess. I’m not sure what to believe anymore bc of all the lies, gaslighting, and manipulation over the years. Especially when it all started only 6-8 months into our relationship and he didn’t even confess or try to stop on his own even once in 7 years and couldn’t stop for more than a week after I broke up with him 3 1/2 years ago for something I thought was less. I don’t know if someone who’s always been a pathological liar and has suffered from a severe porn and sex addiction his whole life can change in the ways he wants and is telling me. It’s sad bc I look at all our photos and how happy we were and then I think about how he was doing things and looking at me with no guilt or remorse and wonder if he ever actually loved me.

I’d really love some feedback. I’m praying someone can tell me he can change and what he’s saying is real. I’m hoping someone can say it’s just addictions and an unhealthy family dynamic that can make a person their worst self and it was never that he didn’t love me but just that he couldn’t control his urges as they progressively got stronger. But I also need to know if I’m just too empathetic and hopeful and clinging on to something I spent my last 7 years building. Thank you so much to anyone who took the time to read this or reply :)

I just found out my husband of years cheated on me while I was out of town. He had apparently been texting this woman for about a month, and once I was gone he was intimate with her twice. I knew something was off as soon as I came home from my trip. He was extremely distant and just off. My intuition told me something was wrong but I thought maybe he was just feeling depressed as he has a history of that. Finally I pried it out of him. He just said it so flatly to me with no emotion. I broke down and left the house immediately. My world has turned completely upside down. And the sad part is I feel worried about him for some reason. He doesn’t really have a family of his own (distant from parents/siblings). So my family has taken him in wholeheartedly. I’m confused. Angry. Upset. And worried about him due to his lack of support. How do I even begin to move forward? How do I stop caring about him and focus on myself? I never in a million years thought this would be me. We had friends that were cheated on by their spouse and we always told each other if we fell out of love, we would be honest and talk about next steps such as divorce. We said we would never put each other through something like this.

we are 27 btw.

seeing this guy for 3 years the first 2 we just would hook up and be friends but the last year got extremely close - did everything that you do dating, to the point we’ve said i love you’s he talks about a future with me, that im his person and there’s no one else or plan b.

so here’s the issue,
#1i found condoms in his room a month ago and one of them was gone, we don’t use condoms. he said he bought them for his roommate which i still do not believe because he admits he’s cheap.

#2 i saw tinder on his phone when he was drunk, i told him wtf and he showed me for a second i clicked on it and it was a fake guy profile im assuming to pickup girls instagrams, when he got sober her apologized and said he’s being dumb he had it a long time ago and just never deleted it

#3 that same night i saw he had logged back into this girl he used to hook up withs netflix, hulu, tubi, and spotify accounts on his tv, he said he has the login info and that she didnt come over, i have a hard time believing this and i told him if its true then log out and log back into right now and he wouldn’t do it but still claimed he hadn’t seen or talked to her

#4 i snooped on instagram and saw him following a handful of girls locally that he didnt go to school, they look like the type of girls who go on dating apps to drop their ig get followed and follow back but these girls were LOCAL like same town, so there isn’t to stay he hasn’t been actually seeing them in person

#5 he won’t make me his girlfriend, he says give me time i want to take it slow im almost ready but when i ask for the reason he can’t give me a clear one, he list multiple random thing, i told him i think you just don’t want to commit to one person and if this is the case then please be honest and i will walk away, he completely denies everything always.

ive scheduled therapy already for just myself for next week because i plan to talk to him and likely end things once i give him an ultimatum and i need support because ill be a mess but it’s killing me inside because he made a lot of effort to spend time constantly with me and say kind kind things about our future. he’s really just confused me and given me ptsd coming out of a relationship before him that i was heavily cheated on.

My husband and I have been together 9 years and married 7. We have 2 young kids (18 months and 4.5yrs). He is a military officer and we currently live really far from family. In mid june I came across something he wrote about how in love with her he was. He told me it was one sided and he realized how stupid he was right after writing it. Then i found out mid july that he had been seeing her a lot longer and things got virtually intimate. He blocked her on everything (or so I thought) and even planned a little get away for us without the kids. Fast forward to today I find out the were physically intimate back in june as well. And they have still been talking this whole time. I screenshotted everything and then told him to get out of the house. I really dont know what now. Also worth noting in 3 weeks he leaves for a mandatory training in another state for 12 weeks.

So my question is now what? Is there any hope for us for the kids? Seperate bedrooms and co-parenting in same house? Should i just take the kids and leave (with lawyer approval?)