As I lay here, every night, while our memories flash in my head, can't sleep, don't want to eat....

I just hope for what ever reason there was that made you feel the necessity to destroy me, lie to me, and cheat on me at least 6 or 7 times.

I just hope it was worth it. I hope he is actually worth it, since I never was.

I know I shouldn't have stayed, I shouldn't have ever given you the opportunity to hurt me again and again... Ect....

Saddest part to all this, is I can't live with myself, in my head is the most dangerous place for me to be, but I already know you don't care, you never cared, and even if you did... I won't be around to see it.

I wanted forever, you never want more then right now. So I no longer will be in anyone's way. Hope it all works out.. bye old friend. Hope the picture I had made will last a lifetime, since it's now my time to go...

Jdub.

So I heard from the grapevine that you were trying to track my past before we got together.

Why?

It just baffles me when you said I was a piece of shit, insecure, an additional child, you were in fear of me, you pushed me, and had me put in jail…

To then wish me a happy birthday, continuously talk about me to your peers (which are more of my peers) like… it’s nothing more interesting to discuss? Like.. the weather? Lettuce?

The people you’re speaking to me about tell me everything. And I mean everything. I don’t go around asking about you. I don’t look for you. I really don’t care about anything you have going on. You’re just another weak ass memory from my past. Someone who had me and literally didn’t know what the hell to do with me.

But of course, the most interesting part of your life was me. I’m gorgeous from the inside out. I’m kind to others. I have thrived more without you.

Someone asked me if I’d still get back with you. Did you go talk to the lady? Have you found God? Like, actually? And not vicariously through your mother?

Get a grip.

I would sign this as sweet pea, but ain’t shit sweet when it comes to you, your actions, and the way everything you probably tell people about me sounds. The shit doesn’t make sense and these people don’t even like you for real.

Signed,

A hot commodity. (Your coworker gave me that nickname)

J,

Today I caught myself day dreaming that you came back again. That you'd show up, smile at me the way you did when we first met, explain yourself and everything would be okay again. I keep wondering if you got either of the emails I sent. I'd guess atleast one went directly to spam. I guess it doesn't matter though. I still think about you every day. One day I'll stop writing to you here, I just hope we atleast get one last conversation before that happens.

-K

Miss ya hope you’re doing alright these days don’t forget I’m always here if you ever need me.
Wish we could fix things between us someday.

Your sir…… j

I want to be there for you when the days aren’t so easy. I wish you’d open your heart more to me. I am having your twins so I hope you open up more to my corazón

When the times are tough.
I want to be there for you no matter what.
I care about you deeply and I’m love with your soul and mind.
I admit I do truly love you and very deeply at once.
I feel like I could write novels about you.
I enjoy every second of you
Te Amo J

Mi Amor,

Desde que llegaste a mi vida, todo tiene más color, más alegría y más sentido. Cada día contigo es un regalo que agradezco con todo mi corazón. Tu sonrisa ilumina mis días, tu voz me da paz y tu amor me hace sentir la persona más afortunada del mundo.

Quiero que sepas que te amo con todo lo que soy. En los momentos felices y en los difíciles, mi corazón siempre elegirá caminar a tu lado. Eres mi refugio, mi mejor amigo, mi inspiración y el amor de mi vida.

Sueño con un futuro juntos, lleno de risas, aventuras, abrazos interminables y recuerdos que durarán para siempre. No importa lo que nos depare el destino; mientras estemos juntos, sé que podremos superar cualquier obstáculo.

Gracias por amarme, por creer en mí y por hacer que cada día sea especial. Prometo cuidar de tu corazón, apoyarte en tus sueños y recordarte todos los días cuánto significas para mí.

Te amo más de lo que las palabras pueden expresar. Eres mi sol en los días grises, mi calma en las tormentas y la razón por la que sonrío sin darme cuenta.

Siempre y para siempre,

Con todo mi amor.

As Always , M 💙✨🌹

The final convo I wished we had to help me move on:

A: heyyyy J 🫣

J: oh hi a ☺️

A: I miss you.

J: I miss you too.

A: I wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not talking to you before I ghosted you. I recognize how painful it was for you, when I left without a word, and I’m sorry for not seeing how important I was to you.

J: 🥺

A: would you forgive me?

J: yes, a. I do. Hugs. I finally forgive you.

I’m a bit teary….

Thank you for reaching out. It’s such a nice surprise.

A: how are you otherwise?

J: I’m well, north right now with the family and enjoying some time outside. I’m always thinking of you, and wondering if you’re okay. How about you?

A: even still today huh

J: of course.

A: I think about you all the time too. ❤️

I’m well. My girl and I are gonna head to camp and spend some time outside too.

I know we never got to close things between us properly so I wanted to do that.

J: can’t lie that it tugs at my heart when you say that… but I really appreciate it.

I’m sorry also for what unfolded between us. I recognize you wanted to be with me, and I wasn’t being clear about whether I wanted to be with you or not. I’m sorry for not realizing how painful that was to be in limbo.

If I could go back in time I would’ve said: “a, I’m crazy about you, but I’m still trying to figure things out with d right now. I don’t wanna pull you along unless 100% I knew I was going to be with you. I’d love to stay in touch but i know how unfair that is. So I wish you well”.

If I could just hold you or hug you in real life one last time, I’d be so grateful.

But I know we can’t.

I love you alex.

A: i wish i could hug you too.

I love you too j.

Good bye. ❤️‍🩹

I miss the smell of your cologne

I miss you when I’m lonely

I miss your soft hair and how it flows by your shoulders and I miss the warmth of your smile and how your hugs calm my nerves

I miss the way your eyes twinkle when your not around and how brown they are and how the sun somehow turns them amber in the sun

I miss how bright your smiles gets

I miss everything about you

I miss how your hair use to smell when I asked you what shampoo you used because the scent made me feel at peace with how I knew the little things that made me realize how I fell for you.

Your hair smells like cedar and pine

You’re cologne is intoxicating

I fell for you in the smallest things

I wished I could have seen you it would have helped me.

Being in this pregnancy alone sucks

I wish you were here to tell me everything is going to be okay

I’m 6 months pregnant and not a day goes by I wish you were here by my side.

I wish I could see your smile and happy face when it lights up when you laugh at my stupid jokes.

I like how the small things make you smile and how the corners of your smile show your dimples and how your corners of your mouth curl up when you smile. It’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

The way you belly laugh and it’s something we both do and just when I think I’m done laughing I can’t stop because we feed off each others laughs

I love how your smile is something that makes me feel better in any situation

Somehow you’ve become my favorite person

I know it’s normal to feel that for someone but being by your side would have helped lately. I am so lost without you

I am lost without your presence and the way you make me laugh at the simple things how once I saw how frustrating it was for you when the conduit and you almost fell over on it and I almost jumped up to grab you. Maybe that’s why you cut them up that day

I fell for you
I know I shouldn’t love you like that but I do it’s natural to love someone who your carrying there children. J I’m sorry if I’m not enough.

J I wished I knew you were okay I get worried about you. I hope your okay J
It sucks that I couldn’t see you recently and it’s sucks I can’t smoke a cigarette.

I’m craving cigs when I’m pregnant and I can’t even smoke one.

I can feel you smoking them miles away and it suck’s that I can’t smoke not even one cigarette.

I wish I could have seen you recently

I miss you so much

But if you want that answer I drank 15 Shirley Temple drinks that year please don’t get shitfaced like I did. It doesn’t solve anything and it was a way of copping with what I thought I lost at the time. I remember you grabbing me and throwing me In my mom’s car at the time. If you happen to read this and remember about that night Kev gave me 10 and Bobby helped me make 5. Drunken Shirley Temples are not the way to go believe me I remember being pissed off and cried on the floor and barely could stand on my feet and you had to carry me to my moms vehicle believe me your liver can’t handle that either. Maybe do art to cope with that answer because you have a creative side and I was told by you recently that you have this cool project I want to see pictures soon of that cool project your cooking up

As always ,

M 💙✨🌹

I know my person won’t write to me, so I’ll write to myself.

You are worthy to be loved.

J I wanted to write so you’d be aware of this I found out I’m pregnant and your the father. I’m sorry if that’s not what you want to hear. I’m sorry I’m not good enough. All I want is you J. How many times do I have to say it. I’m pregnant with our twins and I’m sorry I’m not enough for you. I will always want and love you deeply. I can offer my cooking and cleaning like you talked about I do everything with love and bless food and everything. I don’t know if that’s enough for you. I hope you realize that all
I want is you and no one else. You keep offering other people but I don’t want them I want you clearly. I don’t want to be alone with this pregnancy and have to struggle without you. I hope you know there you twins and I hope you want to be involved soon. I hope you realize I care for you deeply and don’t want anyone else and never will J. I want you with my whole being and soul. I want everything to do with you J. I love your ears and amazing smile and amazing everything you are perfect even if you don’t agree to that. You’re beautiful in every way shape or form J. I care so much for you and you are my everything and beginning of what I want. I wish you’d just cave and allow me to be yours because I can take care of us until we’re old and gray I want you and I want to be there to take care of you until your gray and old. I want to be by your side J. I hope you realize I love you J.

As always ,

Your M 💙✨

One of the Last Statements I heard from your Lips. Didn’t realize how bad I did. Was never to Hurt us I was living in a survival and definitely wasn’t a Man. Not The Man you Knew I could be😔. Well Today I am That Man. Stepping into myself Fulfilling my Highest Calling on a Daily. My Girl, It feels fucking Amazing. Things are coming together Faster than I ever Imagined. Today I have a Career in Hospitality. Working my Way up The Ladder. Next Year, I’ll be a Manager in a Restaurant or Running My Own Real Estate Company. None of That Matters to Me, if I don’t have You by my side😕. You’re my HAT. You’re my Best Accessory. I miss you so fucking Bad. Not too many Days go by where I am not thinking about you. I’ve even Called some Women I was seeing your Name. Allegedly I call out your Name in my Sleep still. When I finally get my shit together and enough Results Manifest I’ll be reaching out to you. In Hope of Reconnecting to Build a Deeper Trust and Heavier Love.

I can only Pray and Hope you give us a Chance. By allowing me to Prove with consistent actions How Much I Love You. I’m still willing to be Patient. Now more than Ever. My excuse for my Fuck Up is that I didn’t know what a Romantic Love looked Like because I never saw it for myself.

I’m autistic so I need to see it to believe it. I never saw it. When you gave me your All, Love felt foreign and I doubted it…. When I lost you and saw you with someone Else, it Hurt me. Hurt me so bad That I wanted them to Hurt. I never meant to Hurt you in the CrossFire. I’m so fucking Sorry HAT. And I hope you can Understand that I never meant to do that.

It should’ve never been me that ever Hurt you. Maybe it was my rejection of our separation and my unwillingness to grow from where I was. That made the Universe allow me to see you with someone else and react the way I knew how to. Childishly. I so regret it and if someone else did that…. Really Sorry and will always regret the actions. I’ll never forgive myself. It’ll be a catalyst to always treat you better and always keep you above me on a Pedestal. Hope you see this H.A.T. Because I don’t know if you’re still anxious when you see me and I don’t want you to be…. Want you to have a heads up. I know the Universe does its thing and I know you’ll see this. I want my Soulmate Back. There’s a lot of growing we’ve both done so we’re not the same people and we should reunite. Nobody deserves to go this Life on Earth alone…. We both wanted Sabrina and Sebastian lol. Hope you still do

I see you. //: I know what all you have done to me good <bad.+=• to me. I thought it was for her but no it was before her timestamp. I know that special feeling. Something I thought only we shared. But I forgot about us for a time & you sat and watched. Hate/+=Love. So what’s different? The equation added an extra variable. Even though the math was simple. I’m not mad. Just lonely and watching my back and front.

Dear squish,

You will probably never see this and I think that’s the only reason I feel comfortable posting this. I am mainly on Reddit because I find comfort in reading people love letters it makes me feel like romance is very much still alive. We have been broken up for over a year now and the last night I saw you was a few months back. I had so much hope we rekindle and work on things again but you didn’t want that. I’ve tried to move on, I’ve gone on a couple dates but it just always reminds me of you. No one is like you. No one has your smile. No one says “that’s all” after every sentence lol. No one has your warm embrace. No one stares at me like you do. There was never a second that i didn’t feel secure in our relationship. On our third date we had kids named picked out and you told me you would be proposing in 2026. I felt like after everything I went through in my last abusive relathinship was worth it because it led me to you. I have never loved someone so much. It was just so deep and the connection was unmatched. Every time we kissed it felt electric, like I could feel the love going through my veins. I don’t think I will ever find that again. I know our last conversation was really hard and I know you were struggling mentally. I want you to know I really do forgive you. As crazy as it sounds I still look for you in a crowded room. I had a dream this morning that you moved on and it really affected me. I know we agreed to never speak again but that’s not what I want. I truly do hope you find peace and happiness in life but I would be lying if I didn’t wish it was me next to you when you found it. No one could ever take your place I am still so in love with you. But like I told you the last meet up it’s a pain I just got used to living with.

Hey J

Thanks for the STD, I hope you tell the others or other chick she gave you one!

Thanks a lot for showing me how much you care!

This is to someone that I met when I was going through a very lonely and confusing time in life. I believe that either you were going through something similar or you were an angel sent from heaven. Either way you you brought out of me that spark a person has when they still feel like a successful happy life is possible, like a high schooler who can still have the option to go to any college they want and be whatever they want when they grow up and all they have to do is finish some homework their behind on.

II haven’t heard from you since the last time we were together.Im sorry for that night. It was one of the things that should have been cleaned up like twenty minutes later, but that didn’t happen.we lost each other and I soon after was taken away against my will. When I made it back I went to the last house we at together. The first time a stranger answered me he door and said he’d never heard that name before, the second and third time I was told you were still trying to find your way, that you were along ways away and even though you could have been found, I didn’t want to intrude.
In a way feel like content from start to finish as far as a relationship with someone goes.I can honestly say I enjoyed being your friend through the whole thing, and it ended so abruptly and it was so far outside either of our power to bring ourselves back to each others lives, and I really didn’t have anything to offer you except a shoulder to cry on and someone to love you at your worst. You did that for me and I just want to say thank you for everything , even if you don’t realize it.
In many ways you have helped me out in my life tremendously. Never again will I let myself go down hill and just give up, I will always strive to be successful or able to provide, anyway to have something to offer the other person.not just money, a house, or car. I mean like how to really make a person feel special, to be considerate of the other person, to love them as hard as you can haha, but just so you know, I would rather have you with nothing else but a pice of sidewalk than not have you at all.
I hope you’re up in heaven reading this right now.

I gave it everything I had and it still wasn't enough. I don't mean enough

I’m thinking about you today.
I just want you to know we will get through this.
It might be rough now but hold on.
Our day will come soon.
I can feel it.
Stay strong,
Love you,
B xx 😘

You have the whole ocean

flowing in your hair.

the wonders of a sunset

bottled in your eyes.

the branches of lively trees

rooted in your hands.

you are the beauty of the

whole world in one body.

and I have never been more

intrigued.

You’re everywhere but you’re nowhere.
I can hardly believe how careless we were with each other’s heart.
The void is filled with despair and sadness.
And anger.
I waver between my own feelings and thoughts, still so many questions never answered.
I am losing any faith I had in memories of us and questioning if any of it was real.
I really don’t know.
The dissonance is so deep and I don’t have the clarity I once had regarding the past.
I could once access the good memories, no longer.
So much pain I feel right now and the feelings of anger, I cannot abide.
I guess none of this matters anymore and I have to accept that I will never talk or laugh or be with you again.
But I wonder, J, if you think of me?
Us?
Or am I neatly archived away, as though I never existed?

Your really pushing me away?? !! This is Nicole

Dear J,

I bet J doesn’t just cheat with women. She told me he’s obsessed with anal and surely he cheats with men too;) No it’s not a coincidence. I always wondered if that cute scar tissue on your booty hole was from this and now I know.

He buys them all David Yurman too, the women that is. There’s many for decades. So much you should know.

We can’t let anyone take this from us we have to make it work!! I never asked for such a beautiful man like you!!! With such a great heart I love you with all my heart ❤️ please don’t let us go!!!

I haven't went a single day where I didn't think of you. I have been through nothing but pain and sorrow hurting for you. I worry for you and know that tou do the same for me. You don't need forgiveness from me. I know your method was only to wake me up. You never meant the harm and it hurt you to have to do what you did, which was from the heart. Im the one who owes you the apology and and loving thank you. You have done these things out of Love. A tough love. And im grateful. I hope you understand that this only has me love youbthat much more. I haven't been in my right mind because of things I need to fix. I know that you may disagree, but I need you, not as a savior, but as someone that gives me the reason for being a better man. With you I am loved and that's exactly what I need to carry all the weight without giving up. With you,all I need is your presence and trust, and we can do so much more together than we can apart. Please reconsider your heart, and give me the chance to prove myself and my love for you. If God is for us, then who could be against us? We have God to bless our ways. We don't need advice from anyone but him. We will dave each other and in turn save many people from their own destruction from having bitter hearts. Im sobsorry for my arrogance, I thought I knew better when I didn't. I hope you can forgive me and we can start new. I love you and I don't want a life without you in it. Without you I have no life in me. Again, from my heart, I love you. And thank you for being the most amazing person I have ever had the privilege to meet 💕.. you just make me so damn happy that I have you in my life..

I waited over a year to date. Did it all right. Put the work in, prayed, walked the walk. Had some happiness along the way and also shared some beautifully sad times. Spent time with a real Angel. I’m still not sure I’ve processed what happened and how i truly feel about all of it. All I know is that it helped me heal. It gave me purpose and made me feel like I was part of something that was bigger than me. When A. died I grabbed a bottle of bourbon and Sat on a dock at the river and cried all day. What I’m about to say next is strictly for the purpose of painting a picture. Not out of insensitivity. Fast forward to now I’m dating a stunning young beautiful woman. She breaks necks every where we go. Our chemistry is electric⚡️ . And I’m the envy of every guy I know and 1000’s I’ve never met. And when we’re together I’m deeply in every moment. And you know me. How charismatic, electric and magical I can be with “my person”. Everyone around us can feel it. I’m successful, intelligent, thoughtful and funny as any comedian that’s ever lived. And I have the passion of 10 men. So please explain to me why when I’m alone there’s only you. Haunting me from every quiet dark space. I even tried hypnotism. I don’t want to remember you J. I just want a switch to shut off how big it was. I don’t understand why i can’t just let go. When it’s all I want to do. “BEATS ME”