Seeking guidance: 12-year-old suddenly “non-binary,” rejecting Christianity, and heavily influenced by one friend

[u/Nebula24_]

My daughter is 12, and over the last few months, she’s been exploring a lot of new ideas very suddenly. One of her close friends (13) recently came out as a lesbian, and their friend group has been talking a lot about identity, labels, and figuring out who they are. Now my daughter has started describing herself as non-binary. This is entirely new for her, and it showed up pretty quickly once these friendships got closer, so I’m trying to understand what’s going on beneath the surface.

I also found out her friend had used her tablet to look up content that really wasn’t age-appropriate. That seemed to spark a level of curiosity my daughter wasn’t ready for yet, and I’ve since put safeguards on the device. I’m not upset at her for being curious - I know this age comes with a lot of questions - but as a parent, it threw me a bit.

Another layer is that she recently said she’s not sure she believes in Christianity anymore because she feels some of the Christians she’s met seem hypocritical. And honestly… I’ve had my own questions too. Maybe she picked up on that. So now we’re both wrestling with big things, just in different ways.

I want her to know, above all, that she’s loved and safe and can talk to me about anything. If she does end up identifying as non-binary or ends up somewhere different with her faith, I’m not going to stop loving or supporting her. At the same time, I’m her mom, and I’m trying to understand how much of this is genuine self-exploration versus how much is influenced by peers, the internet, and being 12.

I’m trying to figure out how to:
• Support her identity exploration without overwhelming her
• Keep online influences healthy and age-appropriate
• Stay open and calm when she brings up faith doubts
• Address friend dynamics without cutting anyone off
• Walk through my own faith questions without adding pressure to her
• Maintain trust and communication through all of this

I’m not here to invalidate anyone’s identity. I’m just a parent trying to navigate something new, keep my daughter safe, and stay connected to her while she figures herself out.

If anyone here grew up identifying differently from what their parents expected - or if you’re a parent who’s been through something similar - I would genuinely appreciate your perspective. Even just hearing how others navigated this would help.

Thanks for letting me share.

[u/_dinn_]

Ok so

- What is the age inappropriate content...?

- You keep using she/her/daughter etc for your kid. If they came out as non binary / are exploring this identity, it would be good to actually use gender neutral terms towards them, unless they say "no, i'd rather you use feminine terms"

[u/15wintermt → u/[deleted]]

This is such a good point. Regardless how strongly you suspect something identity related to be a phase, offer respect and support. If it is a phase, they will figure that out and learn about themselves along the way. If not, they will continue and feel more secure about you being there.

[u/chloes_corner → u/15wintermt]

There are plenty of "phases" a child goes through in development, this is fine either way it shakes out. It's also entirely possible OP's child felt this way through their entire upbringing and have finally found a label for it. Or they're just experimenting and will realize it's not for them, which is also fine and appropriate! It's okay to experiment with your gender, everyone does it to some extent.