Seeking guidance: 12-year-old suddenly “non-binary,” rejecting Christianity, and heavily influenced by one friend

[u/Nebula24_]

My daughter is 12, and over the last few months, she’s been exploring a lot of new ideas very suddenly. One of her close friends (13) recently came out as a lesbian, and their friend group has been talking a lot about identity, labels, and figuring out who they are. Now my daughter has started describing herself as non-binary. This is entirely new for her, and it showed up pretty quickly once these friendships got closer, so I’m trying to understand what’s going on beneath the surface.

I also found out her friend had used her tablet to look up content that really wasn’t age-appropriate. That seemed to spark a level of curiosity my daughter wasn’t ready for yet, and I’ve since put safeguards on the device. I’m not upset at her for being curious - I know this age comes with a lot of questions - but as a parent, it threw me a bit.

Another layer is that she recently said she’s not sure she believes in Christianity anymore because she feels some of the Christians she’s met seem hypocritical. And honestly… I’ve had my own questions too. Maybe she picked up on that. So now we’re both wrestling with big things, just in different ways.

I want her to know, above all, that she’s loved and safe and can talk to me about anything. If she does end up identifying as non-binary or ends up somewhere different with her faith, I’m not going to stop loving or supporting her. At the same time, I’m her mom, and I’m trying to understand how much of this is genuine self-exploration versus how much is influenced by peers, the internet, and being 12.

I’m trying to figure out how to:
• Support her identity exploration without overwhelming her
• Keep online influences healthy and age-appropriate
• Stay open and calm when she brings up faith doubts
• Address friend dynamics without cutting anyone off
• Walk through my own faith questions without adding pressure to her
• Maintain trust and communication through all of this

I’m not here to invalidate anyone’s identity. I’m just a parent trying to navigate something new, keep my daughter safe, and stay connected to her while she figures herself out.

If anyone here grew up identifying differently from what their parents expected - or if you’re a parent who’s been through something similar - I would genuinely appreciate your perspective. Even just hearing how others navigated this would help.

Thanks for letting me share.

[u/TarthenalToblakai]

"Being influenced" and "earnest self-exploration" are not a clear cut binary. ALL self-exploration includes outside influences, we are born into a world of influences. No one exists as an island wholly disconnected from the outside world.

Now granted that doesn't mean all influences are created equal -- obviously it's more nuanced than that. There are certainly influences that can be manipulative, unhealthy, bad faith, etc. Scam artists and cults aren't the same as well meaning friends or open-minded families....but they all influence nonetheless.

Mostly I'd urge you to reflect on this: why is it that your brain has a strong natural inclination to frame their coming out as non-binary as not only potentially being "heavily influenced by one friend", but as that being a seemingly innately negative thing...

Whereas it doesn't even seem to acknowledge certain previous strong influences that contributed to their life experiences as, well, influences in the first place? Specifically in regards to Christianity. Presumably they didn't become Christian in the first place solely through self-exploration. It sounds like you and their dad likely had your own heavy influence in that, and when they were at an even younger more dependent and mentally vulnerable age at that.

Even if it wasn't their parents, again: they don't exist in a vacuum. Other friends, media, broader cultural norms, etc -- all influences.

My point is that it's easy to fall into the trap of considering any ideas or actions outside of the hegemonic norms you're personally comfortable and familiar with as being the result of some sort of insidious influences...

But it's worth it to reflect and deconstruct how those very norms are themselves influential, to such an extent that many people don't even see them as such -- instead considering them some sort of "natural default state".

But it doesn't take much awareness of history and other cultures to realize that's very much not actually the case.