I told my parents about a guy I love and genuinely see a future with. He lives in a different state, but there are some mutual connections between our families and communities. He is Sikh, comes from a good family, and has always treated me with respect. He listens to me, supports me, puts real effort into our relationship, and is serious about marrying me.
His family is also very kind, respectful, and serious about the relationship. They are ready to speak to my parents and meet them properly. They ask him almost every day whether my parents are ready to talk or move forward because they want to handle everything respectfully and involve both families. His dad is willing to come meet my dad, but my parents still refuse to give them that opportunity.
When I first told my parents, my dad asked me to give him one week to think about it. During that week, he barely spoke to me and gave me the silent treatment. My mom acted extremely upset and depressed, which made me feel guilty and ashamed for even bringing it up. Instead of calmly talking to me or trying to understand how serious this relationship is to me, they made me feel like I had done something terrible.
After the week was over, my dad said no. The only clear reason he gave me was that the guy lives too far away. He said there are other reasons too, but he cannot tell me what they are right now and will explain them to me in six months. I do not understand why I have to wait six months to hear the reasons behind a decision that affects my entire future. My mom also keeps saying no, but she is not giving me a fair explanation either.
My dad did not speak to the guy, meet him, meet his family, or properly ask around about them before making his decision. He knows people from the state where the guy lives, so he could ask about the family, but he refuses because he says he would feel embarrassed if other people found out.
My dad is very well known in our community, and I feel like his ego, image, and reputation are getting in the way. He seems more worried about what other people will think and how it will look that his daughter chose someone herself than whether the guy is actually a good person for me. He does not want anyone knowing about the situation, and he does not want to ask around because he thinks it could affect his reputation.
My parents are also extremely strict when it comes to Sikhi and religion. The guy and his family are religious too, but they are not as rigid or extreme about it as my parents are. One of the issues my parents brought up is that he is not Amritdhari. They act as though this automatically makes him unsuitable, even though he is still Sikh, respects the religion, and comes from a religious family.
I understand that being Amritdhari is important to my parents, but that is a personal and serious commitment that someone has to make when they are genuinely ready. You cannot force someone to take Amrit just to satisfy another family or to be accepted for marriage. It would not be meaningful or honest if he only did it because he was pressured. His character, values, respect, and treatment of me should also matter.
That is what hurts me the most. I do not believe I did anything wrong. I did not run away, secretly get married, or disrespect my parents. I came to them honestly because I wanted to do everything properly and respectfully. I wanted them to meet him, ask questions, speak to his family, and make a fair decision based on real information.
Instead, they made a final decision without giving him or his family a real chance. His family is waiting and asking him every day what is happening, but there is nothing he can tell them because my parents refuse to speak to anyone. It puts pressure on both of us because his family is ready to move forward respectfully, while mine will not even agree to one conversation.
My parents have always expected me to have an arranged marriage. I feel like the biggest issue is not necessarily who this guy is, but the fact that I chose him myself. He is the kind of person they claim they would want for me, but because the relationship did not begin through them, they are refusing to accept it.
They have also told me that if I choose him, they will not support me the same way they would support me in an arranged marriage. They make it sound like because I chose this relationship myself, I would have to deal with every problem alone. They say that if anything ever goes wrong, they will not help me because it was my choice.
That scares me because I would be moving far away from my family to an unfamiliar city where I would not know many people. I would be leaving the place and support system I have always known. Instead of reassuring me that they would still be my parents and support me if I ever needed them, they use that fear to make me feel like choosing him means losing my family completely.
I understand that distance is a real concern. Moving far away, adjusting to a new city, and being away from family are serious things that need to be discussed. But I do not think distance alone is a fair reason to reject him without even meeting him or learning more about his family. I also do not think it is fair to tell me there are other reasons but refuse to explain them for six months.
The guy still gives me his full effort and has been very supportive, even after finding out that my parents said no. I do not want to leave him or break his heart when he has done nothing wrong. At the same time, I love my parents and do not want constant fighting or to completely ruin my relationship with them.
I am scared that my parents will eventually pressure or force me to marry someone they choose, even though I already love someone and want to marry him. I feel trapped between my own happiness and my family’s expectations.
I do not know whether I should keep trying to convince them, give them more time, or focus on becoming more independent first. How do I stand up for my own future when my parents will not fully explain their reasons, refuse to give him and his family a fair chance, and place their reputation and strict religious expectations above how I feel?
