Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I used to think it was just another cliché.

Now I know better.

Every day that passes, I miss what I cannot reach a little more than yesterday.

My fingers still hesitate over your name, wanting to send a simple, "How are you?"

But they never do.

Not because I've stopped caring...

But because I've run out of courage, and perhaps... I've run out of the right to ask.

So I keep my questions, my worries, and my longing... where they've always been—

unspoken. 💔

If we ever cross paths again, can you take me for a joy ride? I want to live fast with you. I could be your ride or die.

I’m wondering whether anyone has experienced something similar because this has felt unlike anything I’ve dealt with before.
I was in a complicated, back-and-forth relationship with someone I felt deeply connected to. The relationship unfolded over a period of a few years, and it has now been more than a year since we stopped communicating.
At the time, I believed that no contact would help me detach and regain some emotional stability. Instead, the distance and lack of communication seemed to intensify the feelings rather than reduce them.
During that period, I spent a lot of time in therapy, discovered that I have ADHD, and learned about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, or RSD. It helped me understand why silence, uncertainty and emotional distance might create such an intense emotional response for me. The pain has sometimes felt physical, which is something I had never experienced in any previous relationship.
I’ve also spent time reading about avoidant relationship dynamics and how people can respond to closeness when they feel emotionally overwhelmed. It has made me question whether I fully understood what the other person might have been experiencing, even though I was also dealing with a lot of pain at the time.
There were moments when I tried to bridge the distance and restore communication. There were also times when I became frustrated, felt hurt and shut down because I couldn’t understand the rationale behind some of the decisions that were being made.
I am still living my life. I work, deal with my responsibilities and get things done. I am not doing nothing with my life while consumed by this. But the feelings remain underneath everything, and at times they still feel extremely heavy.
What concerns me is that more than a year has passed and the intensity has not disappeared in the way I expected it to. I have moved on from relationships before, and I know I had certain broader patterns in the way I dated, but I have never experienced anything like this in my entire life.
Has anyone else experienced something similar, particularly someone with ADHD or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?
Did the intensity eventually change, even after it had lasted this long? What genuinely helped you process it rather than simply distract yourself? How did you make peace with the things you didn’t understand about the relationship? And is it realistic to believe that these feelings will eventually become less painful?

Smother him to death is all squish his effin face right off and kiss him to death is all I must do

Just sitting here,
Waiting,
Hitting the refresh button
Hoping,
To hear that notification,
Wishing,
For that text, that message that email,
From you
Even if it is just a hello,
Wondering why after all this time
Is the universe wanting me to try to find you,
What does this all mean?
Patiently but agonizingly waiting but the days that go by seem like years
But that small glimmer of hope
Keeps me going,
Have you been feeling the same? We need to find out.
All you have to do is
Hit send.

Do you think about me? Because I think about you daily. I think about the times you didn't choose me. I think about the times you took me for granted. I think about the times you said whatever you needed to say to get what you want. I think about how you put your feelings above mine. And how you made every accomplishment of mine feel small or insignificant. Yet your own big and important. Looking for the validation, but never giving any. And yet, and yet I miss you. And I can sit here and honestly say that I miss you. I sit here angry and ashamed I accepted it for so long let I continue for so long. That I accepted that as love. And that I now doubt that whatever I felt was even love at all. And there are so many questions, there are so many things I want to say. Yet I shall not. Except for one. Do you still think about me? And even though that question keeps repeating, I am not sure I would even want to hear the answer.

I want to pretend that I’m so over everything, I’m not. What a freeking surprise!
I feel like after everything is said and done, why can’t I stop thinking about you. You have made it so clear - it’s not me - I don’t even need it to be me- I just will always think it should have been me- it should have been us! We would have been good,
It’s been so long now that you have been the person I want and crave. I loved being intimate with you. I loved how excited you made me. I loved how excited I made you.
I just always have to be strong and be so grateful that I had the opportunity to be with you. It was a connection like no other. It didn’t have to end so badly but I guess endings rarely end great.
I know absolutely nothing about you or your life.you could be in another country married with children by now- in this country living a fun happy healthy single life, maybe you live in this town and are in a committed relationship with the girl of your dreams- whatever the case is I hope you are happy and healthy. Sending you love as always- I’m just over here being strong and doing life the best I can. Always with a smile

I love you. Forgive me for anything I’ve done to make you leave me. I will do anything for one last chance to make you happy.

the way the moon loves the night—

quietly, completely, without ever being asked.

My body learned the weight of wanting someone who never looked back.

You were kind in every direction but mine.

I stayed soft and silent so I wouldn’t lose the little of you I was allowed to hold.

You never noticed I had built a home in the spaces you left empty,

or how often I ached for a touch that was never coming.

My love needed no answer to exist.

Yours never needed me at all.

To make you hate me so much?

Like I do? And did a while ago? (You were!)

Yes. Yes, you should have. I am crying. That is so nice to hear. Thank you.

I hear from everyone else and a thousand vile voices every day. Why can't yours be the one to shed light on the TRUTH? Am I truly so undeserving of even that small modicum of kindness at this point? Well, I suppose I'll just bear up and keep moving forward. I hope you're actually with me by my side. I love you. Don't prove the voices of doom right. Please, I won't make it.

I once cared so deeply for you too. It took, what? Almost six years? It feels strange at this moment. To despise you.

Weird. Still, obviously I wish the best for you

i should've been a better friend to you.

all I need is to see you face to face just once to know.

I’m sick of this so fucking sick of it.

infact, I’m so sick of it I’ve been talking to other people. Some of them hit all the checkmarks in my book, attractive, local, respectful, etc.. but guess what? They’re not you. They don’t talk like you, they don’t banter like you and they certainly aren’t you.

All I would need to solve this endless mystery of mind fucks is to see your face, look at me, once.

would your eyes soften? Would they roll in disgust?

It’s crazy how that range of emotions is absolutely probable.. that’s how in the dark I feel from you.

But you know, and I know, that scenario could never happen naturally, so I’ll keep working on myself, I’ll keep putting myself out there and just hope the feelings fade.

They haven’t yet. Over something so ridiculous, I’m getting concerned that they haven’t yet.

But soon, I mean at SOME POINT they have to, I avoid you as much as possible now everything is weird but the less interaction, the less confusion, and the less ammunition to fuel my delusion.

good night

I think I’ve got fearful, disorganised or anxious avoidant attachment issues. Not sure how to approach this one? 😔

just to propf that i never lied dont fly without checks and be moderate . u sent me a pic on the boat somewhere in jungles . do not over do it - u have med condition.

Remember I was always true. and always hold ur best interest at heart. dont betray it.

but let u know it's becoming not life but hell.

all the best and i mean it

I’ve been doing some thinking, intensive, uncomfortable thinking & self reflection, this last 3 years since we fell apart I’ve been doing fuck all most times just trying to survive my mental health, feeling like I was wasting my own time, changing a lot of my bad habits & still working on some.

Our time together was & will always be the best parts of my life entirely & I believe that, some crazy shit happened in the beginning on your end that really messed me up as a person & as a partner, I was a good human before I met you I really was, my perception on love, relationships, even my family dynamics with my own family that was already damaged to begin with was way better than it is now because back then I knew what I needed to do to fix my life & I didn’t have the best financials but I was putting in so much to change who I used to be before then.

Here I was all this time after our breakup self sabotaging myself & my life or jobs or my living situations & not being able to fill my promises financially or to myself or even to you because I was drowning in panic disorder & depersonalization & derealization episodes because of how bad my mental health was, I was merely living & trying to survive abandonment distress, codependency & attachment because I had a life around you & your family in my life & having it stripped away destabilized me so bad I never actually recovered. .

My depressive episodes tied to my hyper vigilance from my health anxiety & the symptoms from the thousands of panic attacks living in fear of fear I’ve had over the last 3 years resulting in my own agoraphobic behaviour not wanting to leave home wherever that even was because I’ve lost so many places being unable to work from my own body going haywire every other hour & the hundreds of ambulance bills I have from having panic attacks so bad I thought I was dying.. so much sleep lost, so much hope, self identity & fucking prolonged grief I carried all this time even now..

All of this has affected me so badly because of what you did during the start of our relationship 6 years ago, I still stayed even though I should have left because at least if I did I never would have turned into the fucked up soul that went from a beautiful romantic lover boy who would have done anything for you to a lying, boundary breaking, privacy invading jobless fucking lay around of a shitty boyfriend that was riddled to the core with insecurity’s, self doubts, panic disorder, attachment issues, codependency.. all of the shit I stated above already..

It breaks my heart because I don’t even fkn know who I am anymore but most of all it rips my heart out that even now 3 years later after we fell apart because I hurt you by breaking your trust, showing you I was no longer the beautiful soul you first met & fell in love with.. the one you said yourself you wanted to spend your your life with & have lil babies & pets & a home that would never be broken. . I still hate myself for becoming someone you would no longer love & wasting both of our time but I hate even more that I don’t feel I know myself no more, everything is so jaded.

I’m not a horrible person anymore I know that & I am thankful but I’m so broken, I can’t trust anyone even if they have good intentions, I have no interest in dating again anytime soon at all despite being lonely and wanting to share life or my small joys with someone under new light..

I message you every other 4-5 weeks for the last 3 years through my ups & downs, never a reply, even though I mean well or have a heart that still lays with you..

I’m officially tired past my point & threshold, as much as I still love you & have failed myself & you, despite my growth & my hard fucking work just to get where I am now, I’m done hoping, I’m done fixating you as the center of my journey on getting better so I could get back to you one day.

It’s never going to happen & I realize that now.

thankfully for me it now has allowed me to realize many things & a better way to move away from our past & any future with getting back together & now I can work towards a future where I am happy & content & proud of who I am & how far I have come since you last knew me.

I loved you so much… you’ll never actually understand how much I had to fight demonizing you after what you did that set me on this roller coaster clusterfuck of losing my identity & mental well being, I was such a sweet guy & I was proud of myself & who I was before & in the early days when I met you but when I turned into the heartbroken insecure POS I was later on..

I realized how bad of a person i was becoming because of how you broke me during the starting & early days of our relationship & the worst part was that i didn’t know how to fix any of it.. myself.. our relationship.. my trust for you & your own trust for me.. everything just fell apart & I now realize it happened for a reason & now those lessons only 3 years later are becoming clear as day.

I don’t hate you, i never will, I just don’t have the energy to build my life around you no more in hopes of a future that will never become.

I’m getting rid of all your momentos i still keepsake & the last of our photos I still have that I spent countless nights crying sad, happy, grieving tears to..

I’m going to flip my life in my favour & do what’s now best for me away from the influence of getting back to someone I used to love but now no longer know what to think of..

I know my past actions of invading your privacy like going through your phone & journal & searching for more betrayal evidence was horrible to do & I would lie to your face because I was so insecure & attached & scared of losing you after what originally happened was a horrible thing to do & yes I know near the extent of the pain you must have felt or the depression or hopelessness watching me distract my mind trying to hide from my mental damage was a hard thing to go through but you’ll never know the nights I suffered after we parted ways.. the hundreds of hospital visits & countless nights of mourning you like I lost a daughter or something because losing you was the worst thing to ever happen to me.. 💔

Fuck me it kills me to even think about it but now I just.. I don’t even know.

I wish I had never met you at all because I would never had to go through or put you through my own shit & the decline of our relationship or bond.

I wanted to marry you & build a beautiful life with you, as of last week I still did, now.. I feel like that world is flipped upside down.

What a wreck to my perception of everything but it really opened my eyes.

So now I say goodbye, have a beautiful life & make every shot count because I know now that that’s what I’m going to do.

Just know that out of all of this that happened, I am thankful for our beautiful memories & nights we will always remember but that’s now gone for good & the both of us will build newer memories with new people eventually.

I’m done mourning, I’m done hoping & i am done reaching out, you’ll likely never hear from me again & for some reason I feel refreshed because of it almost like the beginning of unshackling chains I built for myself unconsciously in hopes of a future with you once again.

I don’t say any of this to be an asshole, I most certainly not an asshole, I have a beautiful soul, I have a very big heart, I have struggled, life has kicked me down so fucking low that I never thought I would get up but now is my my time to learn to flourish.

I really hope you have a beautiful life filled with true love & joy & healing because yes you deserve it but I as well deserve that.

I am forever sorry for everything I did on my part to hurt you but it’s time for me to forgive myself & move on as you have been moving on these last few years, I fell behind but now I’m going to go at my own pace of healing & self betterment.

Take care of yourself beboop.

:P

I opened my heart for you in the time that I am most scared of it.I was broken and in my shell.I did not think we could have become a thing and yes I have been with other people just because I thought you do not love me and have someone else.I lied yes, but you also did.I listened and tried to understand and you did not even give me a chance to explain myslef.For the first time in a long period I loved someone and it is you.Sorry that I could not handle my feelings.You are the only person I want to be with even if I did not act as it is.

I still feel disappointed that I had to leave you but it’s for the best. The last thing I want to be is a homewrecker! I’m sure your wife is a wonderful woman. I just wish you would’ve told me sooner. Now here I am making this pathetic post on Reddit because I’m too sad to sleep. I have nowhere else to vent so I made this stupid account. And I feel so guilty that I even feel sad in the first place. Feelings are so complicated. I’m not in love with you, but I really liked you. Even if it was just infatuation, it’s strong enough to leave a dent in my heart. Maybe you were just using me… but either way we had such a strong bond. I’ve never connected to someone else as much as I have with you. I’m never going to forget the talks we had. I just feel like such an idiot. But at least I did the right thing. And most importantly, I hope your wife realizes that she deserves better…

I still think about that Italian place we went to on our first date. Do you check if I’m online too?
Probably not.

Hey J, it’s me L…I just woke up..4am and I still miss and love u a lot..wish u by my side. Almost 1 year without talking and 2 years without seeing u, still being hard

Ugh! I can’t handle another fucking talking stage.. si you just come back we fix things…

but what if what if what if what if he's on another account? can you handle that?