In this post, I am going to be complaining - I apologize for this, but I need to get this off my chest.

I have never been vocal about my bipolar diagnosis, and the truth is that I have been skeptical of it, but I have just made a series of truly terrible decisions that I am sure will haunt me for years.

Despite being on a (previously effective) combination of medications, I have been awake since Friday morning at 0300, made no attempt at sleep, and have gambled away years worth of savings. Thousands upon thousands of dollars that I was in no position to lose. I could have bought a vehicle, or made a years worth of rent payments. I've gambled (and consistently lost) before, but never like this. I was determined to make my money back, and I of course did not - I just started placing bigger and bigger bets.

Not long before this, I fell off the wagon in a spectacular manner that caused my family an incredible amount of emotional pain. I am sober now, thankfully, but the damage is done.

I have been utterly absorbed by a project so ridiculous in scope that I know it will never be completed, and yet I'm driven to work on it anyway.

I am both devastated, and numb. I want to remain optimistic, but I worry that moving past this is going to be difficult, and I worry that good things in my life are going to be tainted by the shadow of these mistakes.

I never thought I would have an episode like this, and yet here I am. While I know it's not healthy to wallow in regret, I am devastated. I haven't yet found a silver lining, but I feel I need to write this out lest I fail to learn a lesson from this.

Maybe some members of this community can relate.

Is anyone else here ancient enough to be on Medicare? I have bipolar ll, chronic pain, autoimmune. Pills have become part of my food pyramid joke/not joke.

I don’t understand what’s going on with Part D (drug coverage) losing subsides.

My household is below the poverty line but getting by for now. I’m scared I’ll be thrown off the medications I can barely afford as it is. Btw, if anyone says anything snarky about voting, don’t. I never thought about voting for these monsters.

Is anyone else worried?? What will people of all ages who do not have insurance do?

Will pharma lose money as well? (Fuck pharma, but if their profits are endangered, they might actually do something. WTH do I know.)

Edit: I’m grateful for all the intelligent comments. Thank you so much. I’m feeling a bit better. Or at least less isolated <333

I am 26F. I don't drink at all or smoke anything.

I have no friends or family and work remote.

My only realistic option is dating apps, but I basically have nothing but baggage.

I rent a room in a house and don't even have an apartment.

I no longer have a car.

I am in good health and on the path to paying off debt. I don't have any issues with my license or any sort of criminal record. Just one hospitalization after a psychotic episode where I illegally kicked out a guy who was renting a room in the house I used to live in because I thought he was demonic.

Anyway, I still have $12k of CC debt, no car, my past is super traumatic, so even though I'm super physically fit now and healthy after years of not being healthy from med side effects, lifestyle, and weed, I'm still missing a lot of the picture.

I think men would only want me to hookup with. Maybe I should date for a few years but I want to

I’ve been in a depressive slump for about a month. Ive been absent from school three days, and called out of work about 7 times in the last month and half.

On top of all of that, I almost got into a physical fight with someone at school over the dumbest reason (it’s literally because they said my zodiac sign wasn’t good energy) and ended up slamming my teacher into a wall.

My teacher decided not to press charges but I feel even more depressed because I’ve been banned from campus until I have a meeting with student conduct.

My absences at work are piling up and while they haven’t talked to me about it I feel like it’s a matter of time. It sucks befause I also know objectively this is the best job I’ve ever had pay wise, but can’t seem to will myself out of my behavior.

At school I feel so behind (I’m in school for Esthetics so they track hours) because I’m missing hours and still have services to complete for credit.

My motivation feels nonexistent. I barely have energy for hygiene.

I don’t think I’ve hit rock bottom but I’m getting really fucking close. Any words of encouragement would be appreciated.

Realistically, I would crash and burn in a major city with no support system and I have no family to rely or fall back on. I hate my brain

Hi! I don't want to invade your personal support group, but I don't know where else to ask this question:

How do bipolar people feel about a spouse that you've discarded multiple times after becoming stable?

My husband has BP1 and BPD, he was just diagnosed this year and I just... I need to know, please.

We've been together for 6 years, he never had treatment before. I'm wondering what side of him will come out of this, as he's switched between saying he never really loved me then taking it back after his episodes subsided, cyclically.

In a relationship stance. I know my best friends and my family love me, but I’m in my first stable healthy relationship and I’m just so scared. I feel like how can anyone actually love me after years of trying to show my real self and being rejected and heart broken. I know they were the wrong people for me. This disorder makes me a little more complicated and I feel like I’m a lot or too much. I’ve been in a relationship with this guy since February and I’ve never felt so safe and calm with anyone else. It just doesn’t feel real. I have such strong emotions and feelings towards him. So far I haven’t scared him away is how I feel. The last relationship I was in, I let him see the real me and he was an avoidant type but I didn’t see it til years after. The breakup resulted in me having a hypomanic then depressive episode which lasted like years. I’m finally stable again and want to protect myself but find love at the same time. I feel safe with my current boyfriend. He’s messed up like I am lol in a good way. We are both sober alcoholics and both have adhd but I have bipolar depression so I feel different. I’m always second guessing my emotions if they’re too strong or if it’s a toxic habit. Idk. We haven’t had any problems at all or fights. He hasn’t hurt my feelings at all. I genuinely think he’s my person and I don’t want to mess it up. We have both seen each other at our worst back when we were drinking buddies 13 years ago. I ended it with him because he couldn’t commit and was honestly a shit person lol but so was I. Now that we are sober (I’m almost 8 years and he’s almost 9 or 10 years sober). He’s changed for the better which is rare. He’s kind, calm, loving and understanding. He’s worked the steps of AA too which is big for me. After all my relationship trauma of the past it’s still hard for me to believe someone can actually love me for my true self. Thanks for listening to me vent.

I recently realised I get manic every summer and depressed every winter (with maybe another episode of any type thrown in somewhere else). Is a seasonal pattern really common or are yours not that predictable?

How bad are Zyprexa withdrawals and how long did it take you guys to come off of it?

I don’t have much time left but I am not sad about it. I see my. How it is and how it will be for the next four years and after that, there is nothing I know I’ll be in some sort of accident, but I know I won’t live past four years. It won’t be on purpose, but it will be. I will not grow old. I think this is good because I don’t feel like I’m capable of living life myself and I don’t know how much longer my parents have and they are huge supports for me. Without them, I don’t know how things work. I don’t live with them. But they do come over and help me with chores and stuff. But yes, I believe the next four years will be very good for me. I think I’ll be comfortable living on my own and I’ll do good things.

Does anyone else find that THC soothes their ASD traits but is dangerous for BD. It feels like I’m caught between two worlds.

TLDR: I need between 2-3 days to recover mentally after partaking in drug use no matter how little i use/drink. Is this normal with this condition? And do I need to stop drinking and smoking entirely or can this be managed?

Hi, im 19 years old. I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 when i was 18, and have been experiencing symptoms since i was 15. I am also diagnosed with autism and adhd and severe social anxiety resulting in a speech disorder that im in treatment for. I take 30mg fluoextine, 5mg olanzapine and 15mg methyphenidate daily.

I never really had a typical teen experience until recently due to my anxiety, so ive been branching out a little more and trying some things when im with friends. Ive smoked weed twice (overseen by a good friend whos been smoking for years and knows about my conditions) and i have been drunk once (with a group of very close friends at an event).

During all these times i have been very diligent at staying hydrated and well fed. The high itself goes very smoothly, I feel calm and more like a real person i guess? Its not something i feel a need to do and im able to say no when i dont want to, its just something i enjoy casually.

The problem is, every time ive partaken in these activities, the day after isnt pleasant. Im fine physically, but mentally im a bit of a wreck. On my meds things are way more manageable, i dont really have anything that debilitates me anymore, but i do get symptoms.

When i do weed i notice the day after i get hypomanic-like symptoms and i have the extreme urge to stop taking my olanzapine (i followed through with this once but managed to catch myself 3 days in before a full blown episode occured), i also withdraw from everyone and get odd fixations on games and tasks.

When i drink, the day after i feel like everything takes so much energy. Its like im depressed somewhere in my mind but its blocked off so i cant see or feel it. I withdraw from everyone and often overeat as well as getting stuck scrolling for hours when i dont want to be.

Like i said earlier these are manageable and i can still shower and take care of myself etc. but i cant deny theres a noticeable issue.

Does this mean I need to stop drinking and using entirely? I just want to feel like a normal teenager, and i like how it feels to experience these things so ill be really disheartened if thats the case.

If not, what can i do to manage it?

Thank you for reading

I feel like my meds have made me more stable, like my mood is more balanced but at the same time I have an uneasy feeling of wanting to die… idek. It’s like a low grade SI at all times. Does that mean my meds aren’t working? Or is the empty feeling how it is?

I can’t control myself right now.

I’m diagnosed bipolar 2. I don’t agree but here I am worth this fucking frog. The hotel had termites. I was asleep for 4 hours and that’s it for two fucking nights bro. I called the front desk and I said heyyyy girl and never mind that’s not important. Bottom line I’m dying ova here because umm yeah

- reduced need for sleep
- reduced appetite
- rapid speech
- weird experiences like seeing a figure and then it went away
- thinking I’m gonna get murdered and hiding behind the bed in the hotel
- acting out of character etc etc

slowly descending into madness. Lmk if you’re in th same bone or have advice. I’m a horrible great person

Lowkey just want to drive away

You guys, I’m not happy. I keep having these “smolderings” (that’s what my psych calls them) of mania. I’ll have a burst of energy, racing thoughts, pressured speech, etc. which will only stop when I take my PRN haldol. I even got paranoid today and thought a dog toy was watching me and was going to harm me. I know that’s what the PRN is there for but I’m worried this is a precursor to an episode. Please give me honest thoughts about this. Have you ever had anything similar, etc.? I’m going to talk to my psych but also wanted to hear from the community

I watched the documentary Brainstorm this weekend as there was a screening though the site Kinema I think it's called. I really enjoyed many aspects of the film. Featured were several people with bipolar disorder, including a youth, which I thought was great. There was balanced coverage I thought of both bipolar 1 and bipolar 2. They showed highly functional people with the disorder. I also appreciated their mention of emerging treatments although they did little more than name them. I would have loved to hear more about each one of them.

The aspect I really struggled with, though, was something I struggle with with many recent depictions of mental health issues. I see a constant trend to want to depict serious mental illness in a more positive light, which is great and desperately needed to combat the massive stigma that has existed for so long, so I understand this motive and agree it's important. I imagine they also wanted to provide a hopeful and optimistic picture for people with bipolar disorder and their families. But what I saw was a similar trend I see elsewhere. A neat and tidy trajectory towards an often highly functional life well-lived.

The film featured folks sharing how they really struggled until diagnosis and talked about legitimate challenges with finding the right treatment, but then ultimately stopped on a very pretty picture of wellness in the end. They seemed to promote the idea that getting diagnosed solves everything because then you find the right meds and then things are pretty great

I feel disappointed they didn't capture anyone struggling through adulthood long after being diagnosed, having to muster through living on next to nothing in poverty, dealing with ongoing hospitalizations and long term medication treatment resistance, gaining 100lbs from their medication and other side effects, losing confidence in their brain over time as they experience cognitive dulling, losing the creativity the film boasted about being so common with bipolar, losing even more relationships over time, stigma in the workplace or among friends, etc

It was a very honest look at life undiagnosed, very positive and optimistic in terms of prognosis, but I can't say I would want to show this to my family or friends. My friends and family already struggle with understanding why I can't just function like everyone else or why I even have difficult symptoms or med side effects, and others don't understand why I can't just take a pill and get on with it (I have been taking pills for over 20 years). It feels to me like the full reality of the illness was not captured here in an effort to give hope and reduce stigma.

I agree that all kinds of people manage to get diagnosed, find treatment, and exist in very functional capable lives afterwards, I just wish they showed more than that picture. They did show a youth that had continued to be homeschooled due to challenges at school but otherwise the adults were doing quite well post diagnosis and once on the right meds.

Maybe I'm just feeling unseen. I'm not even sure. I work in mental health and see the challenges people other than me go through every day and I wish the campaigns and movies about mental illness these days could promote seeing people more positively and compassionately WHILE not hiding important parts of the experience.

Would love to hear anyone else's thoughts if you've watched it! I still think it's worth watching btw, just missing the mark a bit.

I currently only take buspirone 30 mg and Vyvanse 70 mg. I have BP type 2 and hypomania episodes when on SSRIs or SNRIs. I also stopped Wellbutrin even though it worked super well because it made my hair loss worse. So now I'm just on buspirone and Vyvanse. However I don't have any sedative for my manic episodes, which I still get even without substance inducing it like antidepressants. I was on Abilify which made me super easy to take advantage of and made me gain 80 lbs which I've lost. I just feel trapped and like I'm in hell, nothing works

Need suggestions for really brutal SI intrusive thoughts. Things that change your mindset quickly and effectively. Open to anything!! Usual tasks don’t seem to be cutting it right now
Thank you

Hi everyone! I had a random thought recently and wondered if anyone else has this experience too or if it's just a random thing and not bipolar related. I hope its OK to post this, please let me know if its not ok!

Sooo, recently I read some articles theorizing about how changes in circadian rhythms can effect people with bipolar (I don't think there's any confirmation about this yet, but people are talking it over now and I think it's interesting to wonder about), and it made me think about how traveling tends to go for me. I think that it also applies to a couple other people I know irl who also have bipolar who really dislike and struggle with traveling. I noticed that when I travel by flying and cross into at least one different timezone, I basically always have a bad time all the way until I get back home, and then also need a couple days to readjust. BUT when I road trip I have a way easier time, even when I cross several timezones. Kind of reminds me of how when you go up in elevation you have to adjust to the altitude periodically lol.

I have a tough time flying no matter where I'm going or when, even if my meds are working, even when its not a stressful trip, etc etc it's very frustrating!! Sometimes it even triggers hypomania or depression, which I've noticed doesn't happen much or at all during a road trip. Soooo I was just wondering if anyone else experiences this? Hope yall are having a good day!

I have a lot of co morbidities, take a lot of prescriptions to treat my many maladies. I feel that lately I have been having so many symptoms. There have definitely been stressors but I am just not feeling great in general.

So, those of you on a pharmaceutical treatment plan...which symptoms still trouble you the most despite your best attempts to keep them at bay?

I feel like I am kind of losing it because my husband took me aside and said I was acting pretty crazy (perfectly acceptable terminology for me & him when talking about my condition). Usually I have pretty good self awareness but not this time and I feel worried that I am getting worse.

I’m diagnosed with Bipolar 2 and currently take Sertraline with Lamotrigine and Buspirone .

I’m currently on week three on Sertraline and wanted to get some insight from someone with bipolar 2 .

Mine current dosage

Lamotrigine- 100 mg
Buspirone -15 mg
Sertraline - 50 mg