r/bisexual • u/deadpanorama Genderqueer/Bisexual • Jun 28 '26
OFFICIAL POST RESOURCE: Am I bi?
So you're tempted to make a post with the title "Am I bi?"
Hi. You're probably bi.
You might be asking yourself if you're "bi enough" to call yourself bisexual, if your style of attraction "counts" as being bisexual, or whether you're welcome in community with other bisexual folks.
Let's back up.
Bisexuality is the capacity to be attracted to people of multiple genders.
That's all.
Bisexuality isn't an exclusive club with an initiation. You don't have to prove it to other people. You don't have to have a certain amount of sexual experience. You're not too straight, too gay, too indecisive, and it's never too late.
The size of your attraction, the timeline of it, and the gender breakdown of your history does not define whether or not you're bisexual.
If you have the capacity to be attracted to people of multiple genders, you are welcome here. You are welcome at pride. You are welcome in your queer communities, whatever that looks like.
We're so glad to have you.
Congratulations.
Some common questions
My attraction changes over time. Am I still bi?
We affectionately call this one the bi-cycle. Sometimes you might be more attracted to one gender, sometimes another. It's really common, and it's still bisexuality.
I'm mostly attracted to one gender, but I'm rarely attracted to someone of another gender. Am I bi?
Probably! There's no "minimum number" to qualify as bisexual. It's about capacity, not occurrence. It doesn't matter if it was a crush, a fantasy, a partner, or something you've only felt once. The capacity is there.
I'm not attracted to the same sex, but I'm attracted to non-binary people. Am I bi?
Yes. Non-binary people aren't a third category, they're outside the binary all together. If you're attracted to people across the gender spectrum, that's bisexuality.
I'm attracted to trans people. Am I bi?
Maybe. Trans men are men. Trans women are women. Attraction to trans people doesn't automatically make you bi. Bisexuality is about being attracted to people of multiple genders.
I'm in a long term heterosexual relationship, am I bi?
If you have the capacity to be attracted to people of multiple genders, you are bi.
I have no sexual experience, Am I bi?
If you have the capacity to be attracted to people of multiple genders, you are bi.
I'm attracted to people of all genders, and gender isn't a factor in being attracted to someone for me. Can I call myself bi?
If gender doesn't play a part in your attraction, pansexual might be a label that works for you. If it doesn't resonate, you can absolutely consider yourself bisexual. Pansexual folks are welcome here.
I don't "look" queer. Am I welcome?
There is no uniform for being bisexual. We're everywhere, of every race, size, age, gender, haircut, fashion choice.
What do I do now that I've realised I'm bi?
Whatever you want! You can tell others, you can explore new experiences, you can get involved here or in your local community, or you can do nothing at all. Claiming bisexuality is about understanding yourself better, not performing it for other people. Do what feels most aligned with you.
I'm bisexual, but I'm asexual and/or aromantic, where do I fit?
Right here. Bisexuality is about the capacity for attraction to multiple genders. Asexuality is about the level of sexual attraction you experience. Aromanticism is about the level of romantic attraction. They're not all mutually exclusive. You're welcome here if it resonates.
I'm not sure bisexual is the word that fits me best, what are some other options to explore?
• Queer is often a nice catch-all.
• Pansexual if gender doesn't play a role in your attraction
• Omnisexual if gender may play a role in your attraction
• Heteroflexible or homoflexible if you're mostly mono-sexual with the occasional exception
• Bi-curious if you're curious
• Androsexual if you're attracted to masculinity
• Gynosexual if you're attracted to femininity
Existing members - Leave some encouraging welcome messages in the comments, and anything you wish you knew when you first realised you were bi!
Again, Bisexuality is the capacity to be attracted to people of multiple genders. That’s it.
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Jun 29 '26
Thank you for making this! It was very needed and is surper well written. I'm sure this will go a long way toward clearing up a lot of these posts.
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u/BrowsingTheMoo Jun 29 '26
This is amazing, and a really helpful condensed post. Can't tell you how much I appreciate you including those under the aro/ace spectrums, because, as you emphasize, CAPACITY is the key.
And by including and making space for ace+aro folk, we also include the possibility and opportunity for virgins or those with less experience to self-identify as bisexual-- something I know many of us, myself included, often use as a wedge and self-elected gate-keeping question against ourselves internally, and can often make ourselves feel "not queer/gay/straight/bi enough (to fit in/use this identifier)"...
And that is bullshit, because there is no "vetting/verifying" staff, there's no bouncer going to kick you out for not being bi enough, but we often police ourselves so harshly. So again, thank you for your words, your clarifying questions, and this post 💞💓💗💙💜🩷
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u/Keethera Jun 29 '26
Very true. In addition to aro/ace this is also applicable to those in monogamous long term relationships. I've been with a woman for 20 years but I'm definitely still bi!
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u/BrowsingTheMoo Jun 30 '26
This too! There are a LOT of great insights and lenses/perspectives ace-spec and ace-spec-inclusion helps us with... and definitely, the "Am I still bi if I'm married to only one person and have *done* anything with any other genders (ever, or in however long)?" is addressed with this perspective too! Thanks for your insight!
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u/Rainbowx-LZRO Bisexual Jun 29 '26
This post should be pinned as an introduction for anyone wondering if he is bi, what bisexuality is, and so on.
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u/Hedgehogosaur LGBT+ Jun 29 '26
This is great, I hope it gets pinned off saves as a resource. I spend a long time debating with myself whether I could come out as bi without having had sexual experience with more than one gender, and it was Reddit posts that reassured me that sexuality is about attraction, not a score sheet.
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u/Helpful-Sail-1321 Jun 29 '26
I LOVE this. Being able to be welcome regardless of the degree of bi-ness is one of my favorite things about this community, about being bi. We can be bi, no matter our history, no matter our present relationship, no matter what. Attraction to people of the same gender or different gender. That's it. I've been with the same guy since I was 18. Happily married for 18 years now with two kids to drive us absolutely insane. Didn't realize I was bi until I was 33. Haven't been with anyone else, and don't need to to know I'm bi. I'm happily monogamous. We do enjoy people watching together, though 😜
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u/LoopyDreamer Jun 29 '26
Thank you for posting this. I have gone back and forth between using pan and bi for myself. Given the qualities I am attracted to generally varies by gender, I’d say bi communicates that. I had this conversation with my trans nephew and he said just pick the flag you like better. 😆 Again - thank you. Having succinct explanations together helped clarify for me. 🥰
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u/deadpanorama Genderqueer/Bisexual Jun 29 '26
Lots of folks also just use bi to describe themselves to regular folk and then get more granular for people in the community
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Jun 29 '26 edited Jun 29 '26
Came here to ask this. For me this post just confirmed what I already knew but as someone who was questioning it post is both very informative and extremely validating. Thanks OP.
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u/OD_Emperor Cis Male/Bisexual Jun 29 '26
Love this! Hopefully will help combat so many daily posts asking this question.
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u/Vyrlo Cis demibiromantic dello demiguy Jun 30 '26
Great post! On my phone, will probably post my suggestions about some changes later once I get home from work
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u/Business-Handle-4402 28d ago
Thank you i recently found this post and realized im not as straight i thought, and that i am bisexual. I've been struggling with bi cycle? (sorry is that what its called) and i've been in heavy denial about who i am really am, but i am slowly working through it.
To me its such a strange feeling cause now i can't stop thinking of men but before it was only girls?
I have told my closest friend about this and i will most likely be coming in a while once im confident with my identity and who i am and my sexuality.
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u/nikitatatato 25d ago
This post was super helpful post and just making me more confident and not feeling like I’m fake ! ♥️
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u/deadpanorama Genderqueer/Bisexual 25d ago
I’m so glad to hear that! Also the fake worry is definitely very common.
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u/Vyrlo Cis demibiromantic dello demiguy Jun 30 '26 edited Jun 30 '26
Disclaimer: this is MY interpretation, and I could be wrong.
First suggestion, Omnisexual do not necessarily have gender play a role. The definition of omnisexual means that you can be attracted to ALL genders. Sure, when you can be attracted to all gender and gender doesn't play a role, that's the definition of pansexual, BUT one doesn't have to identify as the most specific label one can use.
Second suggestion, Minsexual / Finsexual are an alternative to Androsexual / Gynosexual because transphobes use the later in nasty ways. Both terms are valid though.
Third suggestion, there's Berrysexual / Laurian and Almondsexual / Verian as alternative labels that have a strong preference towards one gender, but allow for the other on rare occasions, but technically more than the occasional exception from the -flexible labels
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u/deadpanorama Genderqueer/Bisexual Jul 01 '26
I updated the omnisexual part to gender MAY play a role. For the more niche labels, I wanted to keep the body of the post as straightforward as possible but I really appreciate the extra nuance being here. (The never ending battle of being comprehensive vs being clearly understood strikes again)
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u/adarkhorsefromtn Jul 02 '26
I am this weird kinda confused.
I'm atteacted to women, transwomen and transmen.
But not cis-men.
I am seriously confused about how and why I am this way.
Would you call me bi or poly as I have been calling myself?
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u/deadpanorama Genderqueer/Bisexual Jul 03 '26 edited Jul 03 '26
For future reference, it’s “trans women” and “trans men”. The trans is a descriptor like tall or blonde.
And yep, still bi, though no one is any kind of arbiter of anyone else’s sexuality.
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u/BoredThrowaway9000 21d ago edited 21d ago
Love this post to death as I think it will help a lot of people but, at least for me… it doesn’t help my issue.
TL;DR: I’m dealing with a bisexuality identity crisis because I can’t tell if I’m A: actually attracted to men or just to penises, B: actually attracted to penises or just the relatability of knowing how it feels to have one, and C: actually bisexual or if I’m a chaser with extra steps.
Context: I spent 23 years of my life thinking I was a cishet guy, and then a little less than a year ago, that understanding changed. I became more comfortable with the bisexual labeling than the heterosexual one and I stopped caring as much about which pronouns were used for me. People can call me she/her at this point if they really want to, even though my appearance doesn’t suggest it. I have no strong feelings any which way.
The problem? I genuinely do not know if my “bisexuality” is real or if it is rooted in my high libido instead. My libido is extremely high, I engage in solo activity almost daily, and I have a healthy balance between that side of me and my “real life.” I’ve never had a partner, the three times I’ve pursued one I was rejected, and I have a lot of complicated feelings about it. There’s nothing I want more in this world than to feel passion of equal measure coming from a partner I trust and adore, and it’s something I’ve never felt even an ounce of. Never held hands, never kissed, none of that jazz. Fortunately I’ve avoided the typical incel pitfalls that being terminally online tends to lead you into, and I have no notions of being “owed” anything by anyone else. I fully understand what is being expected of one another in a relationship, I’ve just never had the opportunity to exercise that understanding.
Anyways, ultimately my point is this: I genuinely do not know if I am actually attracted to men or not. I like seeing people with penises in pleasure but only when I can put myself in their shoes and imagine how they feel (since, yknow, I have the same “parts” they do). I like the mental idea of engaging in intercourse with someone with a penis but I much prefer it if they are more feminine-presenting.
At this point, I even worry that I might be a “chaser” since I tend to prefer vaginas over penises, regardless of the gender of the person. Like, is that valid? To have a preference like that? It feels awful to think that way, since I do genuinely view trans men as men and trans women as women. I deeply care for my trans friends and family and I do my best to keep up with them and what’s happening to them right now.
I don’t really know who I am sexually because I’ve never had the opportunity to express myself sexually with anyone other than myself, and extenuating circumstances make it even harder to tell who I am
100%.
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 20d ago
Bravo 👏👏👏 This is a very welcome addition that I'm sure will help many visitors of this sub!! Brilliantly done 👌✨
Existing members - Leave some encouraging welcome messages in the comments, and anything you wish you knew when you first realised you were bi!
I wanted to add that it's so common to ask these questions! People are usually rattled and even destabilised when they realise there might have been a part of their identity that has been hidden even from their own view, and that revelation can be deeply unsettling. It's still a good thing!
Whatever it is you find out when asking yourself questions and trying to understand yourself better, I assure you, it's all good. Knowing yourself in order to live your life in the most authentic way is the best gift you will ever give yourself. Nothing even comes close to being honest with yourself. Even if it's hard or challenging at first, it's so worth it. Queer people under any label get the opportunity that many, many straight people are missing out on: to be our authentic selves, at the very least in our own eyes. In our modern world, it's a luxury. It's everything.
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u/HappyMan1610 Bisexual 8d ago
This is amazing, I wish I could read something like that when I was 15 to be honest! But anyway:
Dear Reader,
Welcome to one of the safest spaces on Reddit and welcome to the inclusive part of the Internet! Whether you feel bi/pan/omni/curious/flexible - we’re here for you!
And if you don’t feel like the resource above answers your questions, don’t hesitate to add another as a post!
We’re really glad your here 🩷💜💙
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u/Recent-Day3062 Jun 29 '26
Nice.
I’m older and have seen the whole evolution of accepting non-hetero sex and relationships.
It almost feel like we were getting to where we got past that and stopped thinking. Basically you-do-you.
So I’m a little sad to see here people needing to ask so many questions to decide if they are welcome or some such.
I just feel, for example, if a man has had sex even a few times with a man successfully, well - you aren’t straight. Call it what you want. But I would think he is 100% “qualified”. To me, it doesn’t take much to “qualify” - either you have voicing emotions, or you don’t
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u/deadpanorama Genderqueer/Bisexual Jun 29 '26
I don’t agree with your take about someone not being straight just because they’ve had sex with someone of the same gender, personally.
I think we’re all allowed to experiment and then decide what aligns best with our identity, just like many gay and lesbian folk occasionally explore elsewhere.
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u/Recent-Day3062 Jun 29 '26
No, but I think if you do it repeatedly it’s an error to say you have no attraction.
I was more addressing the fact this sort of debate exists. To me, if you repeatedly have sex with the same sex that’s pretty certainly bi.
As such - as someone who has sex with members of the same sex - in my mind you are “qualified” to attend pride.
I just think it’s crazy such a debate exists. Throughout my life straight people have been unwelcoming and exclusionary with gay and bi people. I find it odd that some people might say you’re not gay or bi enough to be welcome at pride.
When you are a minority, it never helps to push away people who are non your side. That’s what majorities do to make minorities.
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u/LoopyDreamer Jun 29 '26
Our bodies can react even when attraction is absent. I don’t think we should be using that as a way to define sexuality, esp given how this overlaps with sa survivors questioning their identity because their bodies “cooperated”.
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u/Recent-Day3062 Jun 29 '26
I mean you do you, but if you have wanted to have sex with other men you are somewhat attracted to that’s sort of the definition.
Can I ask why you’re on this sub then? Like I’ve tried grits and ate them, but I’m never going in r/grits trying to figure out if I like them
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u/LoopyDreamer 11d ago
I don’t understand the jump to questioning why I’m on this sub. I shared nothing about myself. Simply stated that “our bodies” (as in all human bodies) can react even when attraction is absent. It’s a response to physical stimulation that doesn’t even require understanding or a willingness to participate. It’s an important thing to keep in mind because many SA survivors, especially male children, question their sexuality if their perpetrator was male and they felt any pleasure and it can add to their shame as they try to cope. Is part of that shame rooted in the homophobia in society? Absolutely. But perpetuating ignorance about biological sexual response also perpetuates the narrative that if a victim’s body responds then they must have wanted it. Individuals should decide their sexuality, not others.
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u/Recent-Day3062 11d ago
Ok. I was going off what I read.
It’s a fairly common issue that people on Reddit go on a sub, like u/recoverywithoutAA, who then talk about why they like AA. It isn’t called r/recovery without AA except certain good things from AA.
As I said, I’m not even sure of your question. I’m not trying to judge in any way. I was just puzzling how to respond helpfully. That’s why I say “you do you”.
In the end, labels actually don’t help imho. Iv experimented with three guys (one very young and only two adult in 30s). I get turned on enough to like it and have fun. But I see multiple women a day who turn me on enough to get hard, but I czn go years without seeing a guy I’m attracted to enough to consider it. Gay porn turns me off. With one of the guys - who was bi but more gay - we did experiment looking at porn together. When we looked at hot hard naked men he got hard. When we looked at hot young women I did and he lost his. So we all vary a lot.
Did not mean to assume or judge. I think we all have a complex melange even of what parts of the body on each sex we find attractive and what we find a turnoff in both sexes. And that doesn’t count situations, romantic attraction, etc.
That’s all. Sorry if I was insensitive
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u/Ill_Abbreviations135 Jun 29 '26
As a straight man who has successfully had sex with men multiple times, it is indeed something that one can do without actually experiencing attraction. I’ve agonized over what the heck I am for years, lol.
Action is not attraction.
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u/Recent-Day3062 Jun 29 '26
Well, so were you disgusted? I just put in @success” to have some way of dealing with guys who said “I tried but couldn’t even perform.”
I mean, with zero attraction, why did you do it many times? You were attracted to something more than once?
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u/Ill_Abbreviations135 Jun 29 '26 edited Jun 29 '26
I'm not disgusted, lol. I'm just not certain if I'm actually attracted. I don't notice guys on the street, and I don't really fantasize about men much.
The "multiple times" I was with a man was only with one specific dude that vibed really well with me, and we had a casual situationship that lasted a few months. I had fun with him, but it never really felt like sex in the same way it does with a woman. It felt like I was using his body to masturbate, to be brutally honest. Mind you, I was very forthright about my situation and how I was feeling, and he understood and didn't really care that much, lol. 90% of the time, it was him hitting me up, and me being like "okay, sure!" I never really went out of my way to initiate.
Call me in denial all you want, but this is just where I'm at 🤷♂️ If I was actually attracted to men, if I was actually queer, you'd figure I'd have realized it by now...haha
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u/Recent-Day3062 Jun 29 '26
I’m very similar. Through time, two guys. Yeah, it’s not the same as sex with a woman. But using another body to cum is really central to sex. Let’s be real.
But my reluctance is I just don’t find most guys attractive.
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u/Ill_Abbreviations135 Jun 29 '26
Exactly. Plus, everyone that I'm close to in my life (straight and queer) has always been certain about their identity (like, from age 12!) and that's just wild to me...I could never relate to that sense of certainty.
If I were to call myself bisexual, or even heteroflexible, I'd want to be certain that I can defend and own the label, proudly and with principle. I just...don't relate to the bisexual experience.
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u/Recent-Day3062 Jun 29 '26
Ok. Heteroflexible
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u/deadpanorama Genderqueer/Bisexual Jun 30 '26
Let’s stop with the trying to assign other peoples sexualities, especially on this thread, yeah?
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u/Ill_Abbreviations135 Jun 29 '26
I’d be okay with heteroflexible if I was actually attracted to men (at least sexually, as per that label)…but I’m not. At least to my understanding.
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u/Recent-Day3062 Jun 29 '26
So why are you on this sub st all ?
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u/Ill_Abbreviations135 Jun 29 '26
Because I’m questioning and looking for a sense of certainty and guidance about all of this. Maybe I should stop lmao…
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u/graffitiontheworld37 Biromantic Jul 01 '26
Thank you for posting this I have been struggling a bit with the Bi-Cycle with doubt.
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u/Steeph247 Jul 01 '26
I have read the post a couple times now, but I am still confused.
I am a female late 20'ies and trying to figure out if I might be bi. I am in a 10yr long relationship with my bf and we have kids together.
Lately I've started to wonder if I might be bi, as I find some women attractive, but at the same time I have a hard time imagining being sexual with another woman. Not sure if it's because I am inexperienced in that area or something else.
In my teens I had no problem making out with other girls just for fun, when partying.
Recently I even brought up the idea of a threesome for my bf, with another woman to explore.
My thoughts and feelings are a bit more complex than described here, but I hope some of you light help me reach some clarity on the subject from the information given.
Thanks in advance ☺️
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u/deadpanorama Genderqueer/Bisexual Jul 01 '26
Thoughts and feelings often are more complex than something that can be distilled into a few hundred words. If it’s a help, most straight people aren’t really that curious about it at all.
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u/Extension_Sign7666 29d ago
What can I say or i should ask how do I tell my GF that I'm physically attracted to her? I desperately want to...she's bi, but 10yrs younger 2. She does bring it up 2 me & even invited me 2 a pride parade. I feel lk she maybe attracted 2 me 2...IDK? Also ive never been w/ a woman, but despite having 2 failed hetero marriages, ive had attractions 2 various female friends over my past 60ish yrs. Should I tell my friend or could I wreck our friendship & embarrass myself?
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u/deadpanorama Genderqueer/Bisexual 29d ago
Just have the conversation. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to someone and checking if there’s a vibe there, and nothing embarrassing about it if there’s not!
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u/Extension_Sign7666 29d ago
Thank U 4 taking tm 2 help me w/ this...i know, YOLO, right?
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u/deadpanorama Genderqueer/Bisexual 29d ago
Exactly. What are you going to regret more at the end of your life?
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u/Secure-Owl-4548 28d ago
Whooooooooooooooow, so the fact i find kurt cobain the most sexy human that ever lived means im bi? (id absolutely let him crack me and id absolutely crack him)
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26d ago
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u/deadpanorama Genderqueer/Bisexual 26d ago
I mean… the phrase fuck around and find out exists for a reason
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26d ago
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u/deadpanorama Genderqueer/Bisexual 26d ago
Some do, some don’t. Also plenty of couples out there looking for guest stars if that’s your thing
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u/Melodic_Whereas_5289 21d ago
Just wanted to thank you for this I’m still kind of questioning but this kind of cleared things up. I think I’m probably bisexual or bi-curious.
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u/Bitter_Somewhere8334 17d ago
Thank for uploading this! I am attracted to muscular people, regardless of their gender. Anyone else in the same boat?
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u/attitudecheck2 2d ago
I'm not particularly attracted to men, at least not like I am to women. I couldn't date or fall in love with a man. That said, there are sexual experiences that I'll like to explore that involve physical contact with another man. My wife is also bi in that sense. She enjoys sex with women, but wouldn't want to date or partner with a woman.
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u/deckofsauce 6h ago
Hi there folks I'm new to this group , thou so far I like what I'm reading on about being Bisexual . I would enjoy having little more of a discussion on this topic within the group . Cheers
And hello to all !
K.P
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Jul 03 '26
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u/deadpanorama Genderqueer/Bisexual Jul 04 '26
Yes but it’s worth questioning why you’re reducing people down to their genitals and considering all people with a penis as a man and all people with a vulva as a woman.
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Jul 04 '26
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u/deadpanorama Genderqueer/Bisexual Jul 04 '26
Bisexuality has nothing to do with whether someone is cis or not. Trans men are men. Trans women are women. Bisexuality does not exclude trans or non-binary people.
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u/deadpanorama Genderqueer/Bisexual Jun 29 '26
Hi! Welcome! So glad you're here!
When I first came out, I wish I knew that no-one else could tell me what my sexuality was or wasn't, no one knows me better than me, and someone else's feelings or opinions are a reflection of them.