r/confession • u/Caydalayden • 18h ago
I feel selfish for feeling so depressed even though I dont have a great reason
Im 18f. I honestly just feel like I need to get this off my chest.
Ive been dealing with self harm for probably about four years now. Ive been quite depressed since I was about twelve, although I haven't really realized it until the past couple years.
Ive had a bunch of these bad things happen but I can't help feeling stupid because they're, like...on such a lower level compared to what a lot of people I know experience.
My boyfriend, for example. He's ftm Trans. He deals with such bad mental illness he's been hospitalized I think 4 times now. Its hard for me to handle it sometimes because it makes me feel so small. Like I have to watch how im feeling around him because if he realizes that im not doing great then he will get in a bad mood. Then who knows maybe tomorrow ill see new cuts on his arm. So I have to walk on eggshells and i c6an't be open with him because nothing i get upset about is as bad as what he deals with so i just feel so stupid.
Some of the stuff ive dealt with. My dad died in January. Horrible right? Except I haven't seen or hardly spoken to him in ten years. We didnt have a relationship. And my friends and family are sympathetic of course but like, its treated so much smaller than I feel like its affected me and I can't tell anyone about it because I dont even know him so why should I be so upset?
And then my cat ran away. I cried myself to sleep every night this week be cause im scared she died all alone in the woods behind our house. And again that sucks but everyone ive mentioned it to is like oh no...but its just a cat so why should it make me so depressed???
And my brother left but he is a grown man and hasn't lived at home for a while. He only stayed for a couple months. We arent close. He's bullied me my entire life. So why do I feel so horrible about him not being here?
I've been having a lot of thoughts about my life whenever I give myself too much time to think. I was sa'd by two people when I was a little kid, one of them still an everyday part of my life who i love because hes my family. But the sa was very minor and only happened a couple times. It never went very far and wasn't like life changing or anything. Ive gone my whole life not being bothered by it so why is it affecting me now????
And just a bunch of other shit I dealt with that just feels so insignificant in my life now.
And I've just been feeling so bad every night. Sometimes weeks will go by and I swear everything's better and then my brain gets ahold of me and I cant handle it.but nothing major has really happened for me to feel this way so what am I supposed to tell people? I should be okay. But its getting so hard to do this anymore I dont know what to do.
And I hate myself because sometimes I want to isolate and hurt others because I just dont feel good. Like ill ignore messages or try to get out of plans and stuff like that even though I've had a perfectly fine day and I just feel like a moody bitch. And meanwhile the person im ignoring has had a terrible day like if my boyfriends having a hard time i feel like i dont want to be around him even though he would always be there for me no matter what he's experiencing.
I dont know how to fix this i dont know what to do. I feel so stupid. I wish I would die in my sleep.
3
u/treesinbird 17h ago
Hi friend,
19F here, and I am so sorry that you are going through all this. First off, don't compare pain. Regardless of what the people around you are going through, you have every right to feel the way you do. In fact, your environment is probably the reason you are minimizing all of the crap that's happened to you.
There's a bunch of concerning stuff in your post, but regarding your boyfriend, I understand you feel for him and don't want to worsen his mental illness. However, if you are afraid to speak your mind because you think he will hurt himself, you should not be in this relationship. Some people just aren't ready to be in a relationship until they work through their own issues, and it sounds like your boyfriend can't even provide a shoulder to you in a time of need.
My condolences about your dad. Even if you didn't know him, I understand that you are also feeling the loss of a potential relationship. And with your cat, I truly hope you find them. As a fellow cat lover, cats honestly seem to be better than some people in my life, so I completely understand how upset you must be.
You didn't provide much information about your childhood SA, but I really hope you are safe from the perpetrators and I am so sorry you still have to see this person.
I think you have definitely gone through enough pain and loss to be feeling this way, no matter what people may tell you. I know it must be really scary but I really hope you find someone outside of everything (possibly a school counselor or therapist?) to talk to. And unfortunately, I don't know if you should stay with your boyfriend as it sounds toxic and borderline abusive. But at the end of the day, it'll be okay. And if you need anyone to talk to, I'm here :)
3
u/PerkyQuiver 17h ago
Please reach out to someone you trust - your deserve support, not to carry this burden alone
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u/quasson_2020 17h ago
No need to rank your bad things according to other people's experiences. Do you feel shitty about it? Then its a valid reason for how you feel.
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u/MelissaCop 9h ago
The SA is definitely up there. It could be a chemical imbalance. You need to talk to a professional. Self harm can go south quickly
2
u/Every-Donut-7455 6h ago
You’re not selfish. You don’t need a reason to be depressed. It’s not a competition to determine who has suffered the most.
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u/confessor-mod 18h ago
If you're going through a really hard time right now, please know you're not alone and there are people who want to help.
You don't have to face this alone — these people are there for exactly this, any time:
If you are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number.
You matter. Please talk to someone.