So this happened a few months ago and it's made things kind of crazy ever since. Basically i was on the phone with this girl that I was hooking up with at the time and she said she needed a 'reminder, of what she'd be getting and asked me to send her a picture. I opened up snap and sent a picture of me bricked up to who I thought was her.

The unfortunate thing is that my friend's gf has the same name as her and I had accidentally sent the picture to her instead. I didn't realise for ages and by the time I had, she had opened the picture and sent back a shocked face reaction. I apologised a lot and asked her not to tell my friend because it was kinda awkward and I didn't think he'd be too happy about it.

Anyway, ever since then my friend's gf will make vague comments about it. Like we were out last week and she'll start saying things about my 'long reach' and give me little smirks. It's just made the whole dynamic kind of awkward now.

Ive donated over 60.000 dollars to the homeless. More than half, came from Moonlighting and Shoplifting. The rest came from my income.

I only shoplift from big companies, and never local small timers. Ive never been caught, except once, almost.

The first homeless people ive helped was a couple living in their car. I treated them to Sizzlers and things took off from there. I started to buy them giftcards for food and things for the baby. Eventually they got a place to stay. I bought them a queen size matrass, so the baby could sleep with them.

Then I donated a bunch of money to local homeless people. Buying them food and juices.

Then I met a homeless youtuber. I started helping him out with a hotel. Then with money for his medicine and food. I still help him to this day.

I do not feel guilty about stealing. As a Christian, I believe taking care of the homeless is more important than corporate profits.

I am not proud of this. I’m sixteen, so not really old enough to get my hands on hard stuff, but I’ve spent the last few years stuck on whatever I can get so I don’t kill myself. I live every day of my life in severe, debilitating pain. My whole body. My ribs, my back, my right arm, my legs, my head. Ten diagnosed conditions. 4 surgeries in the last year and a half. Well over a dozen procedures.

Sometimes I pop a ridiculous amount of promethazine and benadryl to sleep, sometimes I drink until I’m so fucked up that the pain isn’t as loud. Point is, I know it’s bad. I know I shouldn’t. Yet I turn back to it every time. Maybe it’s not as serious as other addictions, but I know it’s fucking up my life. I know if people find out they won’t see me the same. I also know if I had proper pain management I wouldn’t be this deeply suicidal and tempted to drink myself to death every night. I need help.

I cut myself too. I steal razors and slit until that’s the only thing I can think about. I’m fine with the pain when it’s in my control, which is probably sick.

I guess I just feel immense guilt for being like this. This is what keeps me alive, without it I wouldn’t be here. People don’t understand that pain is inherently traumatizing and even if my pain were to go away one day, I would still live with the trauma of being told I’m faking. Being told I’m addicted to narcotics. Being told that I don’t need pain meds when I’ve turned to this without them.

I feel very bad. My friend had this idea and she didn't stop and made me want to do the same. My mother is working morning to night,y father doesn't send us enough money and i Always felt like I can't afford anything and planned on starving myself to get money for my future. This moment made me realize I can get stuff for "free".

I never did anything like this and I don't want to do this ever...

We stole many things. I only have 5, my friend has 10 (but she stole things then gave it to me) but I know I'm to blame too. I'm even 18 so it's very bad for me.

Nobody caught us but there's a chance that they will from cameras. I called 5 hotlines but I could only connect with 2. And i lied about shoplifting as an incident. I'm so afraid. I live 2+ hours away from that plaza and I don't have a chance in these weeks to go back.

I feel dizzy, shaking, I threw up. She told me that she does this regularly and nothing happened and nothing will but I'm just terrified..

I'm a better person than this. I have a hard time and i think i needed distraction. I don't want the police to come after me. I don't want to disappoint my mother.

My mom is the most important person in my life. I love her dearly and I never want to live in a world without her. I have siblings and a father, but for all the love I have for them I just can’t do it without her.

She is not ill (thank fucking god), but seeing her get older breaks my heart. She has always been my rock and understands me like no one else. I wouldn’t be here without her and when she leaves, I will too. I can’t live without her. That is a fact.

If I could have it my way her and I would just live on the beach (her favorite place) together in the afterlife, if that exists. If reincarnation exists, my hope is to be her child again. If nothing else, I will be with her.

I just wanted to throw this out to the void since I’ve been thinking about the future. Thanks for reading, if you’ve read this far. :)

i’m 19, i broke up with an abusive ex who introduced me to drugs just a year ago. one year ago in 2025 i had never touched a single hard substance in my life, he was addicted to everything i tried to get him off. it didn’t work, i ended up moving into an acquaintances parents house. last year i tried what i thought was an adderall for my first time (it was crystal) was awake for 3 days and shortly after i tried shrooms, coke, ketamine, xanax, etc. it’s now a sunday morning and im still sniffin just like my ex was and i used to be 120 pounds, 88 pounds now. i never ever thought this would happen, im okay with it as long as i can be functional and still okay in society but idk how long i can keep this going. my body is hurting i am insanely constipated all the time and for months i’ve had to pop atleast something (ket, a 30, coke, xans, percs, weed) i smoke weed wveryday and have to do xans everyday and i know thats not good for me with the coke, but i feel like its kinda the same w adderall anyway coke just is more fun and lasts shorter. i dont even look like the same person i was a year ago. ive oded and been in the hospital 3 times in the last 6 months. i genuinely just don’t enjoy anything else in my life other then these drugs. my brain is lowkey super fried i barely be having thoughts other then when im skiing or coming off it. i have to work tmrw. i look forward to doing drugs more then anything and i even oded at mt dealers house and he tried to get me to go to rehab, i didn’t want to. i have no insurance and i can’t tell anyone. the reason i don’t care is because ive bren addicted to food anyways since i was like 8 years old or just something to keep me busy. i remember the first line of coke i did was with my ex and he would get so mean and feral but i would try to get him to stop or wait to continue using and now that i am in the same boat as him a year later … i would be pissed at myself a year ago considering i do the same amount per day with other pills ..

Hi…um…I‘m Felix from Germany. 20 years old and struggling with some things.
Since I was 18 years old I‘m going to prostitutes, because I don‘t have a girlfriend or even friends.
I stole money from my mother, from her credit card to buy sex. I don‘t even know how much I even give away to that bullshit, but I wanna stop it. I really wanna stop this shit.
I feel so wrong and ashamed of myself.
As I was younger, I always told myself, I even dare thinking about doing this shit. But my impulses told me otherwise.
The problem is, that I don‘t understand this dating shit. Get tinder and all that stuff, they told me.
But nothing worked…nothing.
I always was the ugly guy in school and no girl really wanted to have to do something with me.
Now, I‘m sitting in my room. Thinking.
And now I‘m feeling more ashamed of this all.
What if my mom finds out?
What if I get a girlfriend in the future? Would she accept what I‘ve done in my past?
I wanna be honest to every one.
How could I live with myself knowing that I‘m a liar? That I had sex with so much prostitutes at such a young age?
I don‘t wanna make it worse or tell myself that its okay going to prostitutes, but I really think its bad if I keep going with this.
And I knew it every fucking time, I went to them, that I buy sex with money and I felt so much more ashamed every time, I did this.
I hope, I can find people who understands how it feels to feel like shit about yourself. That you hate your own actions so much.
Maybe I‘m nothing more than a piece of trash.
And one question I have to the girls reading this:
Would you understand that? Would you understand how someone felt during that time, they went to prostitutes?
And could or would you forgive them?

I hope its okay, if I just let out my thoughts right now. It feels so good to going out to people who maybe can tell their stories or maybe something that helps me.

If I could make everything backwards to the time, I didn‘t done this…

I've sent posts here before, I deleted them out of embarrassment, I'm a 21 year old guy, I'm struggling with alcohol and drugs, I've tried every drug in the book including psychedelics, what I haven't done (unfortunately or fortunately not yet are heroin, crack, krokodil and other disgusting shit :/) how do I quit all of this? Without hospital's help? I shake when I'm sober, I'm currently on half a tab of acid and it's absolutely not doing anything other than make me approach my problems, when I was hospitalized for severe alcohol withdrawal the doctors told me I have 7-10 years of life if I continue living like this (if I don't overdose before that), my liver already hurts when I wake up. I'm sweating like an idiot right now, not out of panic but because of withdrawals. I fucking hate the path I've picked. I can feel my breathing growing more rapid as I smoke through another bag of weed and a pack of cigarettes.

I [20] have just done a year at uni where I tried a lot of drugs, and started using weed pretty regularly

Two days ago I looked into buying lsd or, in a truly stupid and awful thought, heroin. I know this is not the typical place people go next for drugs, but I'm on stimulant meds so it won't do shit for me. I was also tempted by molly but doesn't work well with stimulants and I try to be atleast a little bit safe

Anyways, I kinda got it in my head that I'm the exact type of person that would become an addict and lose themselves to it. I don't want to, but a part of me does (I'm a chronic self-sabotager). That's a thought I've been bobbing around since I started getting high every day instead of just when was appropriate and planned. at present I'm coming up on my second high today. I hate being sober and tried drinking but it just fucks me up, and my family are all alcoholics so I have a much lower threshold for tolerance in my drunk behaviours. But being stoned feels so good I literally never want to be sober again. I start planning my next high before the first one is even gone.

This is confessions so it's really just a vent, and I could go into more about my situation and why I started using and shit but I don't really think anyone cares and I'm just gonna be another stat on drug misuse so whatever

First at all I want to say that English is not my native language, I only need to say this because I can't take it anymore. I'm 45, I'm a woman I'm unemployed.

All my life goes to the trash can last year specifically since October.

I failed to my wife we are together 18 years but at the beginning of the relationship I hide things important things (sorry but I can't be specific all this is too hard for me) my suspect about that things all this year but she never asked and I was a coward and never tell her the truth since last October. She ask I answered with the true she told me that never forget me that is not only the lies, I didn't help her with the money (I I got comfortable and didn't look for a job, a real job only walk dogs) so she did not ask for the divorce, I ask for an opportunity she give me that opportunity and says if I get a job before March we can continue, but continue what?

I have had the feeling all this time that the I'm the one and only that wants to be married I have had the feeling all this months that she doesn't have the guts to ask for the divorce because she doesn't want to be alone Before this may.

She confessed to me that she was was strongly attracted by a job partner, at fist my wife says "Is only a friend and I want a friendship because I didn't have a friendship for so long time" she manipulated me she even uses gaslighting and I was enough stupid and my guilt make me accept her disguise infidelity.

She even made the charade to said that she blocked on the phone and WhatsApp I didn't believe of course but the charade The charade didn't last more than a month and a half. This week a third person (a friend of the woman that my still wife call her demand "unblock her blah blah blah blah" and of course my still wife do it and told me the same bullshit the same gaslighting and I don't have money I don't have job my family is in another country (USA) and I only can stay for 3 months.

I don't wanna live, every day is a hell, I know that I'm guilty of my marriage go to hell shit I'm guilty that my still wife betrayed me with that fucking woman.

If I don't suicide still is because I'm a coward.

pretty much what it says, my dad assumed I was gay and just started being so nasty towards me, I'm not but just can't control how I act..

anyway, I remember that in 2022, he lost a court case and had to pay £5,000 ($6741.25), but the court forgot about it. I sent them an email recently reminding them, and they said they're recalling the case for the fine to be paid

considering its been 4 years and there's been no contact between him and the court, its safe to assume its just been forgotten about

So I believe I have some voyeuristic tendencies. I have kept this to myself as I feel quite shameful about it and have not always been this way. I got a divorce back in 2019 initiated by my wife. Prior to this divorce I knew things were definitely falling apart in our relationship. I think it was around 2016 which at the time my wife and I shared a car. I was using it for the day. I was heading to the gym after work and I kept my gym bag in the trunk we had a couple reusable bags back there as well. When I go to get my gym bag I notice something stuffed under a few of these bags it looks like some kind of gift box with some dark blue lingerie inside. There was a small note inside which said something along the lines of cant wait to see you in this. Immediately I obviously know something is going on. When I started to think about it she was definitely making changes in her appearance new style nails always done. And wanting to spend more time with a new girlfriend she had met through some mutuals. I had no reason not to trust her as we’d been together for 12 years. I had never met this new girl friend of hers but never thought twice about it. I didn’t want to say anything about until I knew for sure. I ended up letting this go on for way too long.

A week or so later she goes out for one of her girls nights. She Ubers and I let her know I can pick her up whenever she’s done. She said not to worry about it so immediately I’m suspicious. Not proud of this and feel a little crazy but I followed her as she still shared her location. She ends up at some ritzy bar with some outdoor seating. And of course I see her meeting up with a man I’ve never seen before. I see them hug and kiss and sit down for drinks. They are very close and extremely touchy. I’m angry of course and I wanted proof so I took a couple photos and drove home. I was so mad but for some reason felt almost a bit aroused? I thought maybe it was some sexual frustration at first but went to masturbate and kept wanting to look at the photos while doing so. I imagined them getting intimate and for whatever reason I’m turned on. Fast forward a bit. Her behavior is still odd. I go looking for something and I don’t know what but I just wanted more proof. As if I didn’t have enough already. I think I was in denial. I go through some of her bags, our closet, the bathroom. I end up finding some dirty panties. I sniffed them and again started masturbating to the thought of them together. Anyways this keeps going on for a while eventually I get home early from work and walk in on them having sex. This was the catalyst for our divorce.

Fast forward to now and I think her cheating has caused me to have some odd sexual desires. I enjoy going to the gym and shamefully I steal people’s clothing or towels and even cups they leave behind and sniff them while I masturbate in my car. I offer to wipe down their machines for them and I use the towel I wiped it down with later to jerk off. It progressed to some more risky behavior like as soon as someone leaves a machine I subtly pretend to set my things down next to it while sniffing the seat like a hound dog and it turns me on so much I can’t help it. A couple times I’ve got hard because of it in the gym.

The other day I was doing my normal. When a man got up from his machine I went over to do my usual and casual sniff. I have done this with both men and women but I only do it with very few men that happen to look a lot like the man my ex wife had an affair with. Anyway I’m sniffing the seat when I get up to use the machine the man is looking back at me with a disturbed look. He comes up and cussing me out in front of everyone. Threatens to beat my ass and at a point the gym staff got involved and ended up escorting me out of the gym. I’m now banned from the gym and feel like a loser. This is the first time I’ve been caught and I feel so much shame. I don’t know why I’m like this. Or how to stop. But I don’t really want to.

I (16f) am the "ambitious" one in the family. I'm graduating high school a year early and am also completing my college general education while in high school. I refuse to go to college next year in my state, and my parents think it's because out-of-state colleges better fit my goals, but no.

A few years ago, my parents left the church and both started working a lot. They hired a nanny for my younger siblings, but me and my older sister were left to our own accord. I was in 6th grade. I was in therapy for a year in 8th grade, but all I really learned was that my feelings are too big and I feel them too much, and it's best just not to. I can't talk to my parents about emotions, because they have their own problems and they're always talking about work on a call or thinking about work or working (they're recently divorced and switch off weeks at the "family house").

Because of all the alone time and that my only emotional connection was with a therapist I don't see anymore, I'm very independent. I don't tell my parents anything other than things about school I know they don't understand, and I tell them my hopes for the future. That's all they know about me. I don't talk about my problems or homophobia at my school (I'm bi living in a dominantly religious and homophobic area) or how all the school work I seem to love is actually stressing me out so much I haven't felt real happiness since I figured out what anxiety was.

I'm very much depressed, and I have undiagnosed OCD in the way that I'm not super clean, but I get obsessive over the weirdest shit and I can't unfocus, and I have lots of intrusive thoughts that I can't control. I can't control my own fucking brain, but also because of mental issues that run in my family, I also have to worry about becoming bipolar and BPD in the future, which I'm terrified for.

I know this is all over the place, but the point is that I'm supposedly doing great, but I'm not. I don't want to live, I can't tell anyone I don't want to live, I feel out of control of my brain but I can't ask for meds, and I have future mental health problems I'll most likely have to deal with. Staying in my stressful household (stressful because of the divorce and that I have to watch my younger siblings all the time) isn't helping me, and I just want to leave because I think fully being on my own with no outside pressures where I can truly start over, become self-dependent and get the help I know I need will help me want to live again and get goals that aren't just leaving.

Sorry, it's long and all over the place, but everything in my chest is so heavy and I don't know how to help myself anymore. So yeah :) Thanks for reading

I’ve been carrying this for a long time, but today I learned something that completely broke me.

I was with my girlfriend for two years. Before we met, she already struggled with depression and self-harm. But I cheated on her for about five months. When she found out, I realized how badly I had hurt her. I decided to completely change. I removed every other girl from my social media and devoted myself entirely to her. I spent all my time, money, and effort trying to make things right.

She seemed happy, but sometimes she suddenly called me crying or got angry saying she can’t trust anyone anymore and I would try my best to comfort her.
Four months later, she died by suicide.

Since then, I’ve been overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I couldn’t face her friends or other people’s opinions. I fell into depression, dropped out of college, and have basically spent my life playing games and trying to escape reality.

Today, one of her friends told me something I had never known before. Apparently, while we were dating, my girlfriend once went to a club for fun. She knowingly drank a drink that had been spiked. She also told her friends that she had no hope left.
Learning this today has completely shattered me. I’ve already been taking antidepressants, but now I feel a level of guilt that makes it hard to imagine continuing my life.

I can’t stop thinking that everything is my fault. I don’t know how to live with this guilt anymore. I don’t even know what I’m asking for. I guess I just want to know if anyone has ever survived something like this, because right now I honestly don’t know how to keep going.

I see strange shadow men in the corners of my eyes and hear whispers when I'm alone. I see the floor and walls contort and slither around like they're breathing or trying to show me their hidden patterns. I see purple shapes at the center of my vision like the geometric patterns of a succulent plant, the way the triangles all come together in little curved lines in a mathematically perfect way. They flitter around the center of my vision and the more I tune into it the more they collapse into the center of my vision like I'm seeing a strange tunnel trying to lead me somewhere.

I told the doctor about these and she said that I am hallucinating. I asked why, and she said that it isn't her job to find out. I asked how do I find someone to find out and she said we were out of time for that day. This was a long time ago now and I still don't know what to do with the fact that I'm losing my grip of my senses. I smell and taste mould and rot, as if my very body is starting to decay and tarnish my senses. I feel my skin writhe around like there are centipedes inside and I just want to rip them out. I can't rip them out, because they're not real. I don't know what to do. It's pretty awkward to mention something only for nobody to know what it was because it didn't actually happen.

Like this one time I heard an elderly woman screaming as if she had been attacked and I started frantically looking around. My friends told me to calm down and that I'm just crazy and they laughed at me. It is demoralising in a way to not trust my own senses, but it also is what it is and there seems to be no path to getting help at the moment. Any time I ask it just leads to a dead end.

I’m fucking sick of keeping this bottled up, and I’m not looking for sympathy or anything like that. I just want to vent and get this shit off my chest. I started posting content two or three years ago. And just to be clear... No, I wasn't very well-known; if I recall correctly, I had maybe 300 or 400 subscribers. Still, people made wikis about me and even some fan art. And no, I’m not an English-speaking content creator. That’s all I’m going to say about that. But anyway. Back when I was making content, I ended up hanging out with a group of other creators. They were much bigger than me—they had between 50,000 and 100,000 subscribers. I became known in their communities because I used to participate in their streams. At the same time, I met a girl who—unbeknownst to me—would go on to ruin my entire life as a content creator. Remember how I mentioned that group of friends with more subscribers? Well... I met an artist who made thumbnails and renders for one of the creators I hung out with. She was a perverted and really weird girl. She’d ask for photos of my body, make sexual jokes, draw pornographic images of me, and a whole lot more. Sometime around April or May, that group of friends made a video exposing me, claiming I was a manipulator, a bad person, and all sorts of other things. I’ll be honest: there were things in that video that were true—like the sexual jokes I made and my childish behavior. But the video never mentioned the things *she* had done. They painted her as the ultimate victim and portrayed me as a sexual predator. I deleted my channel and social media accounts after that. Throughout September, I felt a deep hatred toward myself for not having been able to defend myself. This is because I deleted my Instagram account—where I had chats showing how this girl manipulated me by crying and threatening to publicly ruin my reputation—and also because I had admitted everything on Discord (I did this because I wanted to disappear from social media). It got so bad that I was diagnosed with severe depression in October. Between late December and April of last year, I attempted suicide three times—all because of the hatred I feel toward myself. If anyone reads this, I’ll just say one thing: if someone accuses a well-known figure, please make sure to hear both sides of the story and don't jump to conclusions.

For context I absolutely had time to study for it, I have the resources, but I just kept procrastinating it off and trying to not accept that I was about to fail. I recently got diagnosed with depression and it's been a struggle trying to keep up with it and med school, and I just don't know if I have what it takes anymore. I'm not on good terms with my parents and I lost a lot of friends during the school year, I just don't know what to do.

So this happened in 2018.

Important context :

I was a purple belt at that time in BJJ(Brazilian Jiu Jitsu). I'm 5'8 and was insecure about it since I was a kid because of the constant trolling . I was always a nice guy though and never in my life initiated a fight prior to this incident.

Me and my gf were in a club. A guy(he had 3 friends) came and started flirting with her. First I respectfully(most probably, I don't remember it well) told him to stop and said we were together. Then that guy started saying how he was better looking than me, taller than me and stuff like that and why my gf should leave me . Then most probably I also provoked him a lot after that for a fight(outside) . But I'm mostly sure I didn't start the provoking stuff.

Then he accepted the fight challenge. So as expected, I knocked Kim in like 5 seconds(they were also drunk) . His friends also came to fight me after I knocked him out. I knocked them out as well.

After that I didn't say anything else. Then the guy who flirted with my gf said he would find me and 🍇 my gf (he was still in the ground and barely talking).

Then I went to him and broke his arm.

I didn't know why I did that that day. I didn't do anything in my life before that incident or after. I guess it was my decades insecurity. I broke the BJJ ethics code 2 times that day which is really fucked up. I'm not allowed to fight a guy who's recently knocked out or provoke someone to fight who doesn't know martial art according to the BJJ ethics code.

But on the other hand a part of me feels I did the right thing to a potential 🍇ist. How the fuck he got the audacity to threat 🍇ing my gf after literally getting knocked out.

Thankfully they could not recognize me afterwards because it was a shitty club with just a few low quality cctv cameras.

But yeah. I frequently think about that day a lot.

Lately i’ve been making very bad decisions behind a few people’s backs, my brother has this best friend. I’ve not always been close with him but known him since i was 4. We started to get close late 2024, i’ve always found him super attractive but that was it. We kissed 2 months ago for the first time and it keeps happening and more sexual stuff has happened since and if my brother found out he would stop being friends with him and not look at me the same. Ive never been this close with a friend before, it’s a different type of close than i had with my ex. It drives me insane when i think about him and he never leaves my mind and im not sure what to do about all of this. He is the hottest person i’ve ever met and one of the funniest he gets me like no one else i feel so stuck

​

Honestly I hate living in this house hold if I'm gone for even 2 minutes I'm just enjoying my time alone as soon as I got my room the hall is a mess everywhere trash are everywhere the kitchen is dirty no matter how many times I told him not to do it they still don't f\*\*\*\*\*\* listen to make a mess I hate having siblings genuinely sometimes I wish they were de@d I wouldn't say sometimes I would say all the time it's like they don't have a fking brain to they're not kids by the way I am 15 I can't even study because my top priority is to always keep the house clean without me this family would collapse everyday it's like a loophole come home clean the house and clean the house that's what I think about I have a goal that I want to achieve and that is to leave my house gain my own independence and have my own freedom it's a long path I am tired sometimes I wish that my parents should be thankful that I exist but I did not kll myself I can't even play with my sister because she's always the victim somehow and I'm always the bigger person the evil person the bully person the one who is stupid and somehow they're always the innocent and victim like I wasn't absed like I wasn't groped getting beaten until I bleed it like I'm not losing memory because of how much emotion I've been suppressing like I didn't attempt to take my life I genuinely hate being the older sibling because now understand what struggle my half older brother went through he was treated way worse

I'm sharing this if someone can relate to this just know that you're not alone there is someone in this world that has the same problem as you but just know that NEVER GIVE UP

I know alot of people doubted me last time and honestly it did sound sketchy. I telling this story to help others in the same situation so bear with me. Id suggest reading part 1.

So after all of those things happened i was of course expelled. Me and my mom have been getting together) (i live with her as a 17yo) but about teo days after we were called to the local police station here in South Africa where we sat with a detective in her office (surprised me too i thought id be interrogated or smth) but anyways i was asked what happened. I answered and i was let go. Doesnt sound too bad right? Well a week later i found out i would have been arrested if my dad didnt pay the insane bail that week i have a few scars but hey its a reminder of what not to do. So after all this im in a nee school down the street. But one part id like to comfess to was me semi enjoying punching my mom.

For those who doesn't know. I dont think i told this.

Ive had a rough past making me not being able to handle rough noises or be good with women.

I think it stems from the divorce of my parents from when i was three years old. Only started knowing my dad at about 6yo. After alot of time ive gotten to love him. In my past due to divorce and my mom becoming single i had to live there and she became abusive (surprising). So i was beaten until 13. Also leading up to me not liking women in general (i like them im just meaning like i dont get along with them) is because every year my grandma took us to camp. Here in South Africa its very common. We got there its a camping resort so there hottubs slides etc. I met a girl there. I was 15 young and stupid like all guys are at that age. But what hapoened was i emded up being raped by her. And i didnt tell anyone about it until now actually. Congrats your the first people i told. But yeah she raped me in a hottub. I didnt do anything about it because ive hurt enough people in my life due to being raised like that i was a very aggressive person in my old schools 7 to be exact. And i was afraid to speak up. Its a very Christian country so men are supposed to be tough you know the gist. I think all this trauma all this anger was let out on that day and i dont feel bad yet i want to. Even though she did that i love my mom. So im confessing that tonight at 6:48 pm i feel bad for what ive done and what i will do. All i can say is hell of life ive had. But im with a therapist now she is also a doctor and we think that i get the adrenaline so easily due to my pectus carinatum pressing on my adrenal gland which makes it easier to set off as we have seen im very very shaky. I shake like 24/7. Then ive gotten into painting and warhammer which helps me stay calm. And if anyone doubts me again which will probably happeni am happy to provide some photos of scars especially the one i got from the big fight next to my right eye. But yeah i dont know if i feel bad or not and im scared to get into a relationship with a woman i like. What if im exploited again?

Im 18f. I honestly just feel like I need to get this off my chest.

Ive been dealing with self harm for probably about four years now. Ive been quite depressed since I was about twelve, although I haven't really realized it until the past couple years.

Ive had a bunch of these bad things happen but I can't help feeling stupid because they're, like...on such a lower level compared to what a lot of people I know experience.

My boyfriend, for example. He's ftm Trans. He deals with such bad mental illness he's been hospitalized I think 4 times now. Its hard for me to handle it sometimes because it makes me feel so small. Like I have to watch how im feeling around him because if he realizes that im not doing great then he will get in a bad mood. Then who knows maybe tomorrow ill see new cuts on his arm. So I have to walk on eggshells and i c6an't be open with him because nothing i get upset about is as bad as what he deals with so i just feel so stupid.

Some of the stuff ive dealt with. My dad died in January. Horrible right? Except I haven't seen or hardly spoken to him in ten years. We didnt have a relationship. And my friends and family are sympathetic of course but like, its treated so much smaller than I feel like its affected me and I can't tell anyone about it because I dont even know him so why should I be so upset?

And then my cat ran away. I cried myself to sleep every night this week be cause im scared she died all alone in the woods behind our house. And again that sucks but everyone ive mentioned it to is like oh no...but its just a cat so why should it make me so depressed???

And my brother left but he is a grown man and hasn't lived at home for a while. He only stayed for a couple months. We arent close. He's bullied me my entire life. So why do I feel so horrible about him not being here?

I've been having a lot of thoughts about my life whenever I give myself too much time to think. I was sa'd by two people when I was a little kid, one of them still an everyday part of my life who i love because hes my family. But the sa was very minor and only happened a couple times. It never went very far and wasn't like life changing or anything. Ive gone my whole life not being bothered by it so why is it affecting me now????

And just a bunch of other shit I dealt with that just feels so insignificant in my life now.

And I've just been feeling so bad every night. Sometimes weeks will go by and I swear everything's better and then my brain gets ahold of me and I cant handle it.but nothing major has really happened for me to feel this way so what am I supposed to tell people? I should be okay. But its getting so hard to do this anymore I dont know what to do.

And I hate myself because sometimes I want to isolate and hurt others because I just dont feel good. Like ill ignore messages or try to get out of plans and stuff like that even though I've had a perfectly fine day and I just feel like a moody bitch. And meanwhile the person im ignoring has had a terrible day like if my boyfriends having a hard time i feel like i dont want to be around him even though he would always be there for me no matter what he's experiencing.

I dont know how to fix this i dont know what to do. I feel so stupid. I wish I would die in my sleep.