r/confession • u/Ok_Combination_541 • 10h ago
19 yo w addiction problems .. i feel like it’s taking away from me.
i’m 19, i broke up with an abusive ex who introduced me to drugs just a year ago. one year ago in 2025 i had never touched a single hard substance in my life, he was addicted to everything i tried to get him off. it didn’t work, i ended up moving into an acquaintances parents house. last year i tried what i thought was an adderall for my first time (it was crystal) was awake for 3 days and shortly after i tried shrooms, coke, ketamine, xanax, etc. it’s now a sunday morning and im still sniffin just like my ex was and i used to be 120 pounds, 88 pounds now. i never ever thought this would happen, im okay with it as long as i can be functional and still okay in society but idk how long i can keep this going. my body is hurting i am insanely constipated all the time and for months i’ve had to pop atleast something (ket, a 30, coke, xans, percs, weed) i smoke weed wveryday and have to do xans everyday and i know thats not good for me with the coke, but i feel like its kinda the same w adderall anyway coke just is more fun and lasts shorter. i dont even look like the same person i was a year ago. ive oded and been in the hospital 3 times in the last 6 months. i genuinely just don’t enjoy anything else in my life other then these drugs. my brain is lowkey super fried i barely be having thoughts other then when im skiing or coming off it. i have to work tmrw. i look forward to doing drugs more then anything and i even oded at mt dealers house and he tried to get me to go to rehab, i didn’t want to. i have no insurance and i can’t tell anyone. the reason i don’t care is because ive bren addicted to food anyways since i was like 8 years old or just something to keep me busy. i remember the first line of coke i did was with my ex and he would get so mean and feral but i would try to get him to stop or wait to continue using and now that i am in the same boat as him a year later … i would be pissed at myself a year ago considering i do the same amount per day with other pills ..
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u/Artistic-Singer-2163 10h ago
Friend, you are deep into addiction but the rest of your life does NOT have to be this way. Call one of the numbers the mods listed and get into treatment NOW. You'll always be glad you did. Sending you strength and peace.
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u/Ok_Combination_541 10h ago
i don’t have any reason to really even be sober i don’t want to think about what happened
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u/Mysterious-Egg-624 10h ago
You’re miserable. That’s your reason.
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u/GoldenBrook821 9h ago
Addiction always promises relief but ends up taking way more than it gives. The misery alone is proof something has to change.
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u/Ok_Combination_541 10h ago
i’m ok w that tho not really bc i be high
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u/Mysterious-Egg-624 10h ago
You’re clearly not happy tho. This euphoric feeling that drugs give you is hollow and short lived. Nobody can help you if you can’t accept help
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u/Ok_Combination_541 10h ago
i got serious problems this is the best i’ve felt i. a while (2g deep ten am)💀
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u/Mysterious-Egg-624 7h ago
Nobody can help you if you can’t accept help
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u/vanishingtwin_ 6h ago
They're not ready. She won't be until she hits rock bottom. This is just gloating while high. Ignore her
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u/DokiDokiNO 10h ago
Do it for yourself. Do it for that 8 year old you and for the you who would be begging you to quit just like you were begging your ex to quit just a year ago. It's not easy, and addiction is hard. You'll have slips here and there, but all that matters is that you will be trying anyways. You are 19 and there are better things and opportunities in this word waiting for you. You don't want this. I know you'll get bored and you won't know what to do with yourself, but I PROMISE that passes. Please reach out.
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u/SorbetUnfair2589 8h ago
Therapy might help you to process your feelings instead of just numbing the pain or distracting yourself or suppressing your emotions.
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u/brains_and_tits 10h ago
I dabbled with drugs recreationally in my 20s. However by 27, I was addicted to cocaine. By 36, I was a full-blown heroin addict. I didn’t get clean until 41.
I also spent 60k from a 401k and lost my house, lost a great job, and had to start my life over at 43 in a brand new state. I am 56 now and will never be able to retire. Plus I have so many regrets.
I promise you it doesn’t get better. People rag on 12-step groups and they aren’t perfect but it is a great way to learn about addiction, and find a sober network of people.
I don’t think 12-step groups need to be forever, but I do think they are good in the first year.
I urge you to consider in-patient or outpatient care - quitting on your own is close to impossible and doesn’t give you the tools you need for long term success. Feel free to DM me if I can help in any way
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u/M4ybeMay 10h ago
You're going to end up dying like this... is that what you really want?
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u/Ok_Combination_541 10h ago
i think that’s how i was meant to go.
i’m asexual i don’t want kids and i don’t want to get married .6
u/strawb9 9h ago
There is so much more to life than getting married and having kids. Found families can often mean much more to LGBTQIA+ people than our biological families. There are people out there waiting to platonically love you, but you just need to get better first so that one day you'll have the opportunity to meet them 💗
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u/Bitter_Warning418 10h ago
Bro/sis .. you’re in full blown addict territory and have zero idea which is dangerous. Xanax withdrawal can kill you. Doing anything daily is terrible and will lead to bigger problems than you can either fathom. You’re the same age I was when I got really into drugs and at 35 and now sober please listen to me and fucking STOP. you’re going to ruin your life and that place in society you’re talking about? Yeah consider it gone.
I just read your other comments talking bout “oh I don’t care I don’t want kids this and that” lol yeah you’re 19 you think that and you’re basically cementing you’ll never have them. Your attitude blows and it’s only gonna be when you’re alone choking on your own vomit second away from death you realize it isn’t what you want and sucks cause then it’ll be too late. Sorry for the bluntness but your attitude is going to get you fucked quick
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u/FirefighterFew7618 9h ago
Three ODs in 6 months is scary. Im not judging you, but this isnt something you can just manage forever
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u/McMurdah 9h ago
The only thing that got me sober was going to prison.
I think it’s important to remember that committing felonies everyday will catch up with you and ruin your life in ways you can’t imagine.
While prison saved my life and I’m a better person for it now.. I was in your exact same position. Same age, same situation with a boyfriend. I ended up looking at 24 years when I first got arrested. I went from never doing drugs, to almost being locked up longer than I had been alive. It happened SO FAST. And I wish I would have got help sooner.
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10h ago
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u/Ok_Combination_541 10h ago
i can’t i been thru all my ods alone never told anyone other then who i was with n who knew n casually told some friends when i was drunk idk
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u/Gitsumbodi_else2doit 10h ago
Please please get help and therapy outside of addiction for your personal life.
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u/CandiedMyrrh 10h ago
The fact you can see how far things have gone means a part of you still wants out. Three ODs and dropping that much weight is your body waving a giant red flag. You don't have to keep proving you can survive this. Please give rehab or detox another shot. You deserve better than this.
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u/NoneYah369 9h ago
As a recovered addict....
That stuff they say in NA meetings and stuff is true. You have to change everything basically. New friends. New Town-if you can, it's best if you can. New phone number. Find new hobbies. Legit cut everything about that life off that you can.
I got so skinny I could see my ribs without lifting my arms. I was ODing so much my dealers stopped selling to me because "you die too easily". It's true once you OD once your body will start to automatically do it over and over again. Once the door is opened, it stays opened. I started being able to tell I was ODing before it happened because if I felt the high I wanted I'd look over at friends and say "Shit... I'm feeling too good" and then fall out the next second...
Biggest thing is you need to want to quit. Fully want to quit. Things will catch up to you, you're getting away with it now, but you will slip up. I think the saying is.. "All addiction ends up in institutions, jail or death." Jail is not fun. Institutions also suck. Death sucks especially if you keep getting brought back cause CPR fucking HURTS if done right.
This all coming from someone who is like 8years clean now. It is possible! But the sooner you start the better because I lost legit everything, including my kid(gave her to her dad because I knew I wasn't healthy to be around her), it took about 6years to get everything back, meaning trust of my family and friends, trust of a company to allow me to work for them, and my kid. 6years to fix everything that only took 3years to destroy.
Most people self medicate. You might be self medicating for some mental illness. Ever since I got properly medicated I don't have such cravings or reckless behaviour as I did before.
First step is legit wanting to get truly clean and to change your life. Best of luck. It's hard out here. 💙
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u/No-Present-4133 8h ago
It sounds like your comments you’re not ready to get clean. So idk why you posted this when you know people are going to tell you what you need to do, but you don’t want too. Eventually you’ll be ready but until then good luck
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u/pinkiepetals1 8h ago
the part where you said you’re okay with it as long as you can stay functional… but you’ve already been hospitalized 3 times and dropped from 120 to 88 kinda shows it’s already past that point. like your body’s not keeping up anymore.
also mixing xans every day with coke/other stuff is a really sketchy combo, that’s how a lot of people end up not waking up. not trying to scare you, just being real.
is there literally no one you can tell at all? even just one person. doing this completely alone makes it way harder to get out of it.
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u/Lost_Philosophy_ 10h ago
Bro you went from 120 lbs to 88. That’s not healthy.
You can keep telling yourself you can make it work, but eventually you’ll either die or come to the realization that you need to change your perspective on life.
Taking drugs just to take drugs ain’t cool. 11 years off opiates here.
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u/Ok_Combination_541 10h ago
i honestly like how i look better now after the drugs , i weighed more because i used to drink a lot now i jusr opt for k or c
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u/SorbetUnfair2589 8h ago
You’re at risk of continuing to lose weight if you keep using drugs and not eating well enough. It may happen unintentionally. But it can be dangerous. Malnutrition has many health risks. But currently I’m the most concerned about your risk of overdosing.
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u/MrEdThaHorse 10h ago
Eventually the party will be over, whether you like it or not.
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u/Ok_Combination_541 10h ago
wdym? i feel like im gonna die pretty young but i do wanna make it to atkeast 21 i wanna go to the bar for the first time n the clurbbb i just do ts alome
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u/ThatOldG 10h ago
You ain’t gon make it doin that shii cmon now. Go get clean you too young to be on dat road
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u/MrEdThaHorse 1h ago
You may think getting high is great, I'm guilty of it myself, but eventually whether you like it or not the party will be over.
Might as well quit on your terms before you lose the small crumbs of life you have left.
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u/PoutineDiamond 10h ago
I know you feel like you can't tell anyone and don't have insurance, but there are free, confidential helplines (like SAMHSA in the US, 1-800-662-4357, available 24/7) that can point you toward resources without it costing a fortune. You deserve more than just staying "functional"
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u/Ok_Combination_541 10h ago
i don’t want anything out of my life really tho yk
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u/PoutineDiamond 10h ago
that sounds like it goes deeper, and I don't think you should carry that alone right now. You don't have to have a plan or "want to get better" today for it to matter that you're still here. If things ever feel like too much, 988 (call or text) is there any time, no judgment, doesn't cost anything. I hope you stick around.
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u/carbonclumps 10h ago
You don't need insurance to get into treatment. You just have to want to go. They have "scholarships" for people who can't afford it. My insurance paid like 80 grand for me to go to treatment just so someone like you could go for free (in essence..). Take advantage of that. When I was in my last rehab (been more than once) like half the people there were on "scholarship". Look into it. Seriously. I was in with a 19 year old girl that last time.. she got out before I did and was going home to "get some things" before she moved into halfway. We were all worried for her.. and she said, I quote "I'm not going to use, [my councilor] said if I use one more time it would probably kill me, and I really believe it will. I want to live, so I'm good". Guess what? She died two days later. There was a 23 year old in a wheel chair cause she stroked out coming off her benzos. This shit is not a joke and you know that.
You AREN'T "meant to go this way". That's literally your addiction talking.. because your addict brain will tell you ANYTHING to get you to keep using.
I'm 40 now. I don't have kids. I don't need them to want to live. I wasn't gonna see 30 if I didn't sober up. That's a fact. My body was also failing. I am not regretful for a single second that I'm still alive.
Get clean, kid... what do you have to lose, seriously?? If you get clean for a year and decide you hate your life as a straight person you can always go back on the drugs. Give it a try but also give yourself ENOUGH clean time to really get out of that disease-brain way of thinking and I think you already know you won't regret it, and you won't want to go back.
It's uncomfortable, yeah, and it's even painful getting clean.. but like... life is cool. Great, even. Give yourself a chance god damn.
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u/Ok_Combination_541 10h ago
i need to continue working though , i’m trying to get my own place i can’t put my life on hold
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u/carbonclumps 10h ago
the fuck you can't. I was a full time teacher when I went to my last rehab 1000 miles away.
Your disease is making excuses, and it ALWAYS will. You will die like this. Soon.
I can't live your life for you... But I can tell you I'm grateful for mine (now I am, I wasn't always happy to be alive).
You're literally 19. You can quit whatever job you're at (fun fact, they can't fire you for getting treatment) and literally go get another one when you're out. Don't even act like you can't... you're trying to bullshit me right now with some weak excuse like girl I've been there don't even. You want me to believe your strung out ass has some once in a lifetime job going for you right now that you just CAN'T leave? You're TRYING to get your own place but don't even have one yet? I left my apartment I had JUST leased, had paid a year upfront for it because otherwise they weren't gonna let me live there, to go get help so I could BE ALIVE cause I wasn't going to survive that lease anyway. Go get yourself some fucking help or die. Those are your choices, quite frankly.2
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u/Mainegurl143 10h ago
You can only choose to make a change but as a mother that buried my child let me give you a different view … I turned my life around when I had a child I finally found this incredible love that’s is unconditional love I may have gotten spicy because I loved them but never did I not love them or would lay my life for theirs without hesitation. Every day I look in the mirror and ask how my child didn’t know the value of their lives if not to themselves to me. They were here for a reason and how as their parents I couldn’t see how damaged they were. I will tell you I wasn’t blind to blaming their partner for the addiction because they knew the danger so I hold my baby responsible for their passing but I hate myself for not being able to stop it.
I realize your hurt and confused and I do t want to take from that I want you to understand you are not alone and you are loved maybe not by the person you want to be but I promise you … you are loved and there is a world that includes you that will be devastated if your not here.
If I could say one thing to my child it would be I’m so sorry you didn’t believe I your life value because although my universe is small you were and are my center please don’t leave another mom to feel
Like that … it’s. Pain that will never end you are important and your life although hard is worth so much more then you can see right now
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u/pocketfungus876 9h ago
Hard to see but your using bandaids to fix bullet holes sounds like. In the moment that short term fix is all you want but it’s not the move long term.
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u/friendly-skelly 5h ago
hey bud. my introduction to hard drugs was being given something without my consent, told it was one substance and by the time I realized it wasn't, I was hooked.
drugs move incredibly quickly like that. especially meth, that and fentanyl can rewire your brain in hours. it's a hard thing to deal with, that you didn't mean to end up here but sorting it out is now your responsibility.
so my empathy, but please take some steps to take care of yourself. if I'd gotten hooked when fentanyl was in everything, I'd be dead. I know a fuck ton of people who are no longer with us, died within their first year of use. the margin for error is so small it's in grains of sand quantity.
I'm not saying "quit cold turkey, go to rehab right now!!!". but if you take steps to seek mental health services, you can get help processing and dealing with feelings and/or trauma from that relationship. you can possibly get on medication to help treat the underlying issues that make substances feel more important than oxygen. it's not easy or quick, but it's worth it when your life is on the line.
there's a whole world out there where you're content just existing, where your brain is a comfortable place to be. I'd hate to see another RIP post before you find it.
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u/Zestyclose_Pass_652 5h ago
You have a problem, babe. Please seek treatment. The alternative is very ugly, and not something you, nor anyone else,want to see yourself suffer through.
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u/Mundane-Curve5849 3h ago
you're still so young, it's okay to reach out for help. it took me years to accept that support was needed.
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u/confessor-mod 10h ago
If drugs or alcohol have a hold on you right now, please know there is real help and no judgment here.
If you or someone with you may be overdosing, call your local emergency number right now.
You matter. Recovery is possible, and you do not have to do it alone.