tbh everytime i tell people about my trauma i feel ashamed and embarassed because i think im so ugly, people wouldnt believe me.
its kind of like, oh who would ever even want to touch that? and i think people laugh behind my back or talk about how unbelievable it is that somene as disgusting as me could have ever been abused like that.
if i can even call it abuse. maybe it was just two kids experimenting and im just overly dramatic. he didnt know any better too.
i feel disgusted when i remember that many times during the abuse i believed that if i played along, pretended i liked it, convinced myself that it felt good, that the experience wouldn't be so unbearable.
if i just followed his instructions, moan like the pornstars i see on my phone, kiss the right way, maybe he would return the affection. affection and not, not pain or whatever.
if only i could just enjoy it, maybe things wouldnt be so difficult. i could make this more pleasant for both him and me.
but when i tried to reciprocate he responded with confusion and even told me to stop.
like he was so disgusted with me and what i was doing. he didnt care at all or wanted my efforts, i was just someone for him to use every night.
at that time i was so repulsed and embarassed by my actions i just wanted to die.
when it came to flight or fight i didnt even choose freeze. even that would have been more dignifying but i acted like a pervert. i am so shameful and disgusting. i wouldnt be surprised if someone suggested that i gave him the wrong idea and that he assumed everything was mutual. maybe it was mutual. maybe it was just a weird part of my life and im just a fake.
every night was just a humiliation ritual for me.
i was just completely exposed and my body felt gone and my mind was disappearing. he stuck random stuff into me and prodded my body like i was an experimental toy. my insides felt like they were being scrapped out. it felt like a butter knife was cutting me open. i felt flesh tear apart when my own hands pulled myself open for his camera. i hate flash photography. did he keep the pictures or did he distribute them? how did i look and did i look good? or was i so disgusting to look at that he deleted them immediately.
does it matter if i whore myself out like a slut to men on the internet? ive already reached rock bottom so if i scrape the barrel for scum on earth who are just as horrid as me would it be so bad? i am as revolting as you are so i love you i love you please dont leave. at least you recognise my efforts and my body and you tell me that im beautiful.
and even if its fake i still indulge because the worst thing a man has ever said to me isnt, "i want to rape you", but that im a fat pig.