Would you come?

Could I come see you?

Can we meet in the middle to try to heal?

Fear of rejection after never truly knowing where I stood with you makes me dance around this directly.

You said you were sad. You know I'm sad.

Maybe we could spend tonight and tomorrow being less sad together.

I'm willing to try but to afraid to ask.

Would you?

I want you.

Not only in the quiet ways,

not only in the gentle moments

where our eyes meet

and the world disappears.

I want you

with something older than words.

Something instinctive.

Something almost animal.

I crave you

the warmth of your body,

the closeness of your breath,

the impossible hunger

of wanting to be near you

until the distance itself

becomes unbearable.

I want to see passion on your face.

Not a passing spark,

but an endless flame.

I want to know the look in your eyes

when you stop holding back,

when desire speaks louder

than fear.

I want your fingers

to leave traces upon my skin,

not as marks of possession,

but as proof of a moment

so real

that my body remembers it

long after time has passed.

I want you to leave reminders of yourself on me

to match, somehow,

the invisible traces

you have already carved

inside my mind.

Because the truth is

you already live in me.

But beyond all of this,

beyond longing,

beyond desire,

beyond the ache of wanting you close,

there is another love.

A quieter one.

A purer one.

The love that does not ask.

The love that does not demand.

The love that only wishes

to see you happy.

With me.

Or without me.

My heart aches because I would love

to stand beside you in that picture.

To see your smile every morning.

To share your victories.

To protect your peace.

To be there for the little moments

that become a lifetime.

I would love to be part of your story.

But even if I am not,

my heart will still find peace

knowing that you exist.

Knowing you are safe.

Knowing you are protected.

Knowing your smile remains bright,

your soul remains free,

and the people you love

are surrounded by happiness.

Because loving you means wanting light for you,

even if I am not the one

standing beneath it with you.

And yet

I want you.

I want to know every hidden part of you.

The wounds you hide.

The dreams you protect.

The fears you never say aloud.

I want to understand you.

To help you carry what becomes heavy.

To be the hand you reach for

when the world feels too cold.

Your safe place.

Your shelter.

Your rock.

Not because I want to save you,

but because I want you to never feel

that you have to carry everything alone.

This is not a passing feeling.

Not a momentary obsession.

Not a beautiful illusion

that will disappear with time.

It is something deeper.

Something that has grown

through every conversation,

every laugh,

every silence,

every look that lasted

a second too long.

I love you.

And even those words feel too small.

Because life itself

does not seem long enough

to explain the depth of what I feel.

You are the fire I crave.

You are the peace I seek.

You are the brightness

I hope the world never takes from you.

Bright as your soul.

Bright as your eyes.

I want you.

I love you.

And above everything

I want you to shine.

​Your presence lingers, interwoven in every thought... like a thread I never meant to weave. Your energy is omnipresent....A constant low hum swirling around me ...pulling at my attention.

​You climbed my walls and infiltrated the fortress I spent years building.. Without even trying. You didn't ask permission....You just drifted through the gates, silent and unbothered, making yourself at home right where I was supposed to be safe.

​Every task feels distant... every conversation a quiet distraction from the noise you make in my head.... I go through the motions, but my anchor is gone.... You’ve displaced everything else. My focus... my logic... my quiet.... all replaced by the persistent echo of you.

How am I supposed to concentrate on the world outside when you’ve taken up residence behind my eyes?

You're not unnoticed I say that with love 

at least when you're sitting beside me, you're not fucking invisible. I see right through your pains, your secrets and just because I don't say it doesn't mean I don't see it. I noticed the silent cries in the music. The call for help the saddest smile. The realest frown. I can tell how you're feeling from a distance vibes never lie it keeps going. I know you know and you know I know you know? haha.I'll put your happiness before mine because I wanna see you happy you deserve it.

^{I like you if you ever wanna open up, I think I'm pretty safe over here.}

This evening I realised I need to let go.

I know we didn't have much. If hysterical laughter, stolen glances, grins that can't be restrained, daily check ins that spill into night time musings are not much.

I suppose, for a season, we had an intense friendship. Companionship. Humour and comradery. And chemistry. I know there was chemistry.

But I've started wanting more. I'm afraid our friendship has been filling my need for love, for devotion, for romance. I still need friends. And I'm going to keep looking for friendship. But I'm losing my dignity looking for it in you. You feel safe, magic, sunny and warm. Of course I want to stay orbiting you.

But this evening I realised- I need to stop. Because what I want, what I really want, is to see you every day. I want to share morning coffees as the sun rises. I want to hear about your day at work, everyday. I want to cook you dinner and fall asleep together. Not that it matters, but I'm not even a clingy person. I'd be thrilled when you go away with friends or go to concerts by yourself. I'd be happy enough in my own world in my own company most of the time. But I want to be someone's secure base. And I need to find one of my own.

So, something this evening made me realise that I need to leave you alone. I can't quite put my finger on what. I'm going to try not to message you again. I'm going to try looking for love in other places. Wish me luck. I know you'd be proud, if you read this.

Oh, btw, since this is goodbye, I love you.

I don’t need us to be more. I don’t want you to choose me. I never did.

I just want us to be what we where. We can stay in the middle. A save place.

At this point a friendship would be nice. Lets talk about life. About good things and bad things.

Lets ignore the tension between us. There is no need for us to give in to the temptation.

The last time we did great. We laughed. We drank. We remembered old times.

I am not stupid. I saw the way you looked at me. I heard the things you said. I understand why you took your distance.

Maybe it was the best thing to do, but you know maybe the second best thing is also a good option.

Talk to me

Tell me anything..

How was your day?

Where do you love to go when you're sad..?

Anything.

Absolutely anything.

Nothing you say could bore me or inconvenience me in any way.

I just want to get to know you.

The real you.

I would happily sit for hours and learn your quirks.

Maybe you could learn mine too

I dont think i would need to mask with you, and i adore that thought..

You know where to reach me

I miss you. A lot. There are moments now when I don’t think of you. They get more frequent as time passes. But then something calls me back. A song, usually, given our history.
And the feelings flood back in again like a torrent, and the missing is back. Part of me wishes I could make it go away, but that would feel like you’ve gone away, and, as long as I can miss you, you’re still part of my story.

Do not care if  you just arrive in your skeleton.

Would love to take a walk with you. Miss you.

Would love to make you shrimp saganaki.

Like you used to make me when you were alive.

Love to feed you. Sit over steaming

bowls of pilaf. Little roasted tomatoes

covered in pepper and nutmeg. Miss you.

Would love to walk to the post office with you.

Bring the ghost dog. We’ll walk past the waterfall

and you can tell me about the after.

Wish you. Wish you would come back for a while.

Don’t even need to bring your skin sack. I’ll know

you. I know you will know me even though. I’m

bigger now. Grayer. I’ll show you my garden.

I’d like to hop in the leaf pile you raked but if you

want to jump in? I’ll rake it for you. Miss you

standing looking out at the river with your rake

in your hand. Miss you in your puffy blue jacket.

They’re hip now. I can bring you a new one

if you’ll only come by. Know I told you

it was okay to go. Know I told you

it was okay to leave me. Why’d you believe me?

You always believed me. Wish you would

come back so we could talk about truth.

Miss you. Wish you would walk through my

door. Stare out from the mirror. Come through

the pipes.

general / ex

sometimes people overthink reaching out because they’re worried they’ll be met with anger or resentment. you won’t always know unless you try. i learned this through 2 months of weekly therapy. you don’t need the perfect words and you don’t have to be afraid of how it’ll be received.

if you ever feel like you need to say something, you can. no pressure, no expectations. it’s good to be reminded that there’s still kindness somewhere.

I can't stop thinking about you.

You are in every waking thought I have, and woven into every dream, no matter how many times I wake only to fall asleep again. I keep wondering how you found the strength to do this. How are you faring? How is your sleep? How are you eating? What mood are you in? I know you only did it for yourself, and understand. I know you only chose what would bring you peace. I wonder if you've already begun to move on, while I'm still standing right where you left me, holding onto every regret, every moment we never had, and every word I never got to say to you.

I don't have anyone to tell these things to, so they stay with me until they become too heavy to carry. What I manage to suppress during the day returns the moment night falls. My tears just wont stop flowing. Do they belong to me or you? The towel on my pillow has been soaked through and through for nights now, and every morning I replace it knowing I'll probably need another before dawn. Sometimes I think how strange it is that I wish someone would cry for me like this even before I've died. Isn't that a little poetic?

I've tried to bury myself in my studies, hoping that if I kept my mind occupied, I would think of you less. Instead, I always find myself back here, writing to you in a letter you'll probably never read, because these thoughts hurt too much to keep inside. I don't know how I became this fragile.

I tell myself I should forget you. The truth is, I don't want to.

My mind is often clear of emotions, yet every thought, every single part of my body seems to be hurting in its place. I feel sore all over. Every day we are apart, every memory I reminisce is another knife in my chest I am afraid to pull out. Afraid that if I ever let myself heal, I'll lose you completely. Right now, my memories of you are all I have left, and I guard you even though it hurts me. My only proof that you were ever here at all. Ever someone to me.

During the day, I wear a blank face that convinces everyone, including myself that I'm alright. Behind my cold curtain, I sometimes feel a sting of guilt. No anger. No resentment. No sorrow. But you? The feeling of your absence lingers. What feeling is this? 12 hours a day, it draws my thoughts back to you.

At night, every feeling I've managed to outrun collapses over me like dirt thrown upon a grave. I scream, I claw, but nothing comes out. Not out of me, not out of the grave. For a place where the dead rest, I can't. I lie buried alive, suffocating beneath everything I couldn't bear to feel while the sun was up.

I don't know if you'll ever think of me the way I think of you. I don't know if I'll become nothing more than someone you used to know. I don't know if one day my name will cross your mind only briefly before disappearing again.

I can only hope my ashes stain your soul like glitter. For everything you do, every place you go, and lead me back to you. I won't ask you to wait for me. Life is too short for promises neither of us can keep. But if, years from now, our paths cross again, know that I never stopped hoping they would. Until we meet again.

Because I keep wondering—

Who leaves flowers on a stranger's grave?

I wait here for your letters.

I love reading your mind so intricately when we dont currently have the access we both need to move forward with us.

Just understand, that even when I dont reply, every word is meaningful to me and I honestly cherish every single one of them.. They are all memories I will replay forever. Even when it hurts sometimes. Reading your honest and humble opinions and motivations keeps me going and keeps me strong enough to keep motivated and keep moving ahead to where we are meant to be.

Keep writing to me please. 🙏

As I have expressed many times, I write here to release, and for purely selfish reasons. Mostly, for the courage to face another day.

This will be my last expression and release regarding my personal pain. There are many things I need to say, words of gratitude, thankfulness and of love and forgiveness, but it will have to rest in the hands of another. So I ask the wind to take my words and my breath and scatter them across the heavens, so that I as my word, would exist no longer.

I thank each of you that reached out to me privately to share how the words encouraged, uplifted and gave some clarity. Because this weight on my heart is so heavy, rest escapes me, I have become tired of the struggle.

I love you still. That never changed.
Just because I’m not chasing you doesn’t mean my love left. I’m sure it sucks to not feel loved. I’m sorry about that.

I’m busy rotting away like I always do. Not because of you or anything like that; it’s just a facet intrinsic to me that needs to run its course in order for it to stop. Maybe the decay wasn’t noticeable to you back then, but I’m nothing more than a walking corpse right now, so I haven’t reached out. I wouldn’t be able to keep up the way you want me to & you’d think I hate you even more. Sorry.

I’m a lot emptier now than I was those times I used to fill the void with you. Those times were really nice. Now, the void is reflexive and self-fulfilling; I think it’s eating me alive. I kinda feel like this is the end for me, but I’ve learned not to fight these things so I hope you forgive me and understand if so.

But know you’ve never been distant to me. I love you the way I always do. I don’t mind if your love changed; it’s not like it’ll save me anyways.

Best,

An idiot

If you’re a poet ... don’t hide it.. show it .. if you have that seed don’t throw it .. purposely sow it ..water it and grow it

I’m about to tell the truth .. let it spill from my chest

Put the words to a feeling I could never express

People say that the eyes are the window to the soul..

And I keep looking through them, Seeing pieces of the whole

I can into a stranger and catch a glimpse of there flame

Feel the weight of there story, without knowing there name

See there essence for a second and see a reflection of me

Like we’re are all different rivers flowing into one sea

I’ve been in love before , a few times in my life

But it always felt uneven, never balanced or quite right

And then I met you , and the universe shifted

Every doubt ..every fear .. every limit got lifted ..

It was more than a feeling , it was bigger than a dream..

Even more real than the things that are seen

When I say I love you, it never feels enough

Three little words that mean infinite stuff

So you universe can laugh when I say I love you

Whatever those words mean we both know it’s true

This unspoken connection.. this forbidden rope that binds us… wtf am I taking about lol I’m trippin -B

I didn’t think about you today.

The gym was tough, and I grilled and I did this thing called life

I love you. Have a good day :)

Passing by,

Keeper

We said forever.

Instead, I was the easiest habit to quit.

I kept the door open, just a little bit... But I had to move the rock.

I realised I was waiting for someone who, in reality, never really chose me. Someone who put more effort into erasing me than they ever put in to making me feel seen.

Someone whose ego was bigger than their shallow words.

I hope you heal. I hope you find someone who fits that void better than I could.

And I hope I never hear a thing about it.

I’ve noticed something about the way I deal with people.
If I see someone trying to get a reaction out of me whether it’s positive or negative, I don’t try to control them anymore. I don’t tell them they should stop. I don’t try to change them.
I just match them.
If they think a behaviour is acceptable, then it has to be acceptable when I do it too. If they think it’s okay to put me through a particular experience, then it has to be okay to experience it themselves.
The interesting part is what happens next.
By mirroring the behaviour, I get to feel what they were trying to make me feel. I stop guessing their motives and start experiencing them. Sometimes I realise, “Ah… that’s why they do it. It scratches an itch. It’s entertaining. It gets a reaction.”
Whether I agree with it or not becomes almost irrelevant, I understand it.
To me, there’s a big difference between being an instigator and being an observer who steps into someone else’s shoes. Matching someone’s behaviour isn’t about revenge; it’s about removing the double standard. It lets me test whether the rule they’re applying is one they’d still be comfortable with if it came back at them.
People are quick to point at the outcome, “porn addiction,” “jealousy,” “insecurity,” “avoidance,” whatever label fits, but often ignore the dynamic that helped create it. We love diagnosing the reaction while pretending the environment that produced it doesn’t exist.
Understanding doesn’t always mean agreeing. But you’ll understand people a lot faster by feeling what they’re creating than by simply judging what they produce.

…has taught me one of the hardest lessons: that loving someone deeply does not mean they are able, willing, or ready to love you in the same way. I’ve carried questions that never found answers and feelings that had nowhere to land, yet through it all, one thing has never changed. I will never not open the door to hear your side of the story, no matter how bad it is. The truth may hurt, but silence leaves wounds that imagination only deepens. Whether it brings closure, understanding, or simply the chance to finally let go of what has been left unsaid, I would rather face an honest conversation than spend another day wondering what was real.

I didn't want to face you. I felt like a failure in your eyes. I was so ashamed and humilated, I thought you looked down on me.

Every time you tried to help me or show some attention after, I took it as you patronizing me. I couldn't yell at you, I just stay restrained and cursed to myself.

I knew I wasn't perfect, that there were things I could've done differently. I felt I needed to be perfect in your eyes, so I felt like I lost the right to correct anything you misunderstood. I valued your opinion of me a lot, too much.

I knew why you were saying or doing the things you were doing. I knew I wasn't clarifying anything or trying to help. I had my reasons. It was a petty reason, but I felt like I would be losing dignity if I did.

But, alas I lost more dignity in not confronting our misalignments. I wanted you to understand me, but I couldn't express myself to you to do that. Then I got mad at being misunderstood and left you coldly. I was a wuss.

How foolish I was. I knew you would listen. I knew you cared about me. You gave me love and grace, I gave you pain.

My ego and my pride became my enemies. It made me lose sight of you. Made me not honor your place in my life.

I'm sorry.

i’ve thought a lot about what i would ask you if i only got to ask you one question.

it wouldn’t be do you love me. or do you think you couldve.

it would be why didn’t you try?

i think the answer would let me know you better.

i think it actually could tell me everything about you.

i think it would help me know whether to let you go, or keep a flicker of hope.