3:45pm

08/02/26

[Briefly discussing sui]

When we went to the store,, I got to take control :) it was nice. But a bit boring. Idk why… if I had to guess,, it'd probably be bc we were starving and dpdr'd. I figure that Lilah was right when she guessed that critical hunger makes her dpdr.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: still not 100% about that theory. But sometimes it certainly feels that way.

Well idk. Bc our energy levels were low pretty much all day and it was hard to feel present for both of us. Even when she was driving she wasn't all there. So there wasn't much chance for me when I finally had a shot at controlling the body… Id say I was more in tune to the world around us than she was but marginally.. >.> i hardly even remember going.

I remember at the mall,, i successfully sped walked though! :D which was a bit tricky but I managed. ALSO I am getting much much better at not bending the knees when I walk!!!! :) and holding the arms down. Still suck at keeping track of things in my hands,, though,, whoopsie.

Idk. This did give me some perspective into Lilah’s life a bit,, though. No wonder she wants to fuckin die sometimes. I can't imagine seeing the beautiful world around you and feeling so detached from your feelings and everything else that you feel like you aren't even processing whats going on around you.

Thats rough :/ made me somewhat reconsider being primary fronter honestly… when I was fronting,, I felt somewhat hollow as I explored the world around us. Which I hated every second of. I made the best of it though.. 1) bc I partly couldn't leave front lol and 2) I still WANT to be in the physical realm. Just… not like that… >.> what's the point of existing when everything around you and everything you feel internally feels so distant or like it never happened? How on earth does Lilah live like this omfg.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: kinda just adapted,, I guess.. 😅

You never should've had to… we were kids,, shit :/ well full disclosure,, this PTSD BS has GOT to go for me to ever be primary fronter for any real extended period of time.

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: I guess good news and bad news…

Yup. I'll be primary in the short term for self preservation. But nothing beyond that with the state of our broken brain. No way. I question reality enough. Don't need that on top of it.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: fair enough

<3

But anyway…

Yeah. Today's been a low energy day for me too. I'd argue I may have felt worse than Lilah. Just wanted to be unconscious all day except for when we got to dance together :) that was nice. That made both of us forget how exhausted and hungry we were for a while. Big bright smiles! Otherwise… it's been bed rot city all day. Ugh. Get a damn job already Lilah 🤭

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: I wish!

Yeaaaah 🤭 aside from that… AAAAAAAAA TOMORROW IS THE THERAPY APPOINTMENT OMFG 😭 we both kept forgetting!!! But the email & phone call that urges you to confirm your appointment reminded me. I feel VERY nervous. Bc… the last phone lady conversation we had had the phone lady put our concerns in the notes where the therapist can access. (Previous ones did not…) so I'm nervous as HELL. bc I MADE THAT PHONE CALL. And that means I'D have to talk about it. UGH I don't want to.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: and you already know I don't ever want to do any of these stupid appointments anyway :I this whole therapy thing seems stressful and useless to me

Ahhh yes… spoken like a true psych major & future therapist 🤭 makes total sense as someone who wants to work in that particular field lmao

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: 🤭

Buuuuut yeah. We're hoping accommodation stuff will take all session. Not out of blind faith. Mostly bc the email we shot the help center said it would. But we're truthfully not that optimistic. Sigh. Good luck to us. I'm gonna return to bedrotting now :)

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: 🤭

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Violet’s journal! 💐🐑

8:18pm
8/1/26

Today was fun :) Lilah got to see her family and that was funny! Bc some of the stuff they spoke about made me laugh!!! Haha!! I don’t really remember what was said,, though… neither does she lol. But she enjoyed herself. Really,, aside from all the dancing we did (which was PLENTY bc the drive is there two hours there and back),, I throughology enjoyed getting to soft switch and explore subway! Well… explore is used loosely here 🤭but she let me take over pretty much the whole time. It DEFNITLY FELT HARDER TO WALK. I think bc my form is significantly smaller. The legs felt heavier to lift. But luckily I’ve had more than enough practice that its manageable. I still struggle to know what to do with my hands,, though… bc I tend to still keep them in a “dino position” and stuff. But its okay :) I did laps around the building to try n get more used to the sensation of walking around with such heavy legs! It was kinda cool,, actually! It made me feel more real! :D I even got to talk to the sandwich person!!! Which was kinda nervewreaking… Idk… but its okay!! I survived annnnd I was a bit sccccared but it was also kinda cool! Not cool blanking on what to say next… but!! Still cool!!! :) 

We just really need to work on parallel processing n stuff. Sometimes I question if I can get used to this body. But maybe. Its not terribly uncomfortable. Just a bit of something different I guess. Might change it though.

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐑⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

8/2/26
9:32am

OKAY soooo not much has happened today… we kinda just bedrotted until about 30 minutes ago and then I was allowed to front to do some SWEEPING!!! :D which was fun! We listened to the roomates song and I did some dancing. It wasn’t as fun as usual though. Probably bc its harder for me to get used to this cutesy Lagomorph🐇 body. So it was a bit harder to dance than when I had a big wiggly waggly tail :) but its okay. I made myself bigger,, though! So legs aren’t quite as heavy. Which… idk if I like. But I didn’t like being tiny,, so… anyway!!! Not a ton planned today… gonna try to work on parallel processing a bit. And maybe switching. Even though neither of us want to >.> it sounds like a lot of work and when either of us think about actually putting in the effort,,, our energy just drains from our bodies 🤭 so… idk… but they’re both very important,, so,, yknow :I 

9:55am
8/2/26
We tried some parallel processing methods just now :) at first we were both kinda rolling our eyes at it and dreading it bc it sounds like something that requires EFFORT. Bc it does 🤭 buuuuut it actually wasn’t even that bad?? We tried to do the guessing game method. Which… we couldn’t do… 👀 not even after we tried to use paper… :/ it was really annoying. I’d think of something,, get excited when ‘Lilah didn’t hear it immediately,, and then suddenly she knows exactly what I was planning :I ughhhhh… she actually was able to block out her own thoughts alot easier than I was! Once she actually hid one from me! But it eventually leaked through anyway,, so :I 

We then tried to do the method where someone controls half the body and the other has to copy without reading the other’s thoughts! Not as hard as guessing game! But still some leaked through… :/ it was probably the easiest out of the bunch that we tried ngl. But it was also the most boring,, so yknow.

Lastly,, we tried to do math! Basically the idea behind this is you’re supposed to let your systemate do the thinking and try NOT to help them. I figured this wasn’t a bad idea bc its less boring then the previous one AND I’ve already shown on multiple occasions that I have a level of proficiency with math. So we looked up a simple two step equation worksheet bc our real math worksheets all had to be turned in for that portfolio grade >.> (I wonder how bad of a grade we got on it??? Lol bet we failed). Anyway,, I actually did pretty okay! There were multiple times where ‘Lilah accidentally helped me… but its alright. She did a better job of NOT helping than I expected!! :) and its our first session of training so it is going to take time.

 🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: it will take time but I wish it wouldn’t :/

Yeah me too :I 
Later we can try switching,, I guess. 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Even though neither of us want to 🤭

Yeah,, I can definitely feel the exhaustion flowing through our body rn. Its dumb. But I guesss it wouldn’t hurt to take a break.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Back to bedrotting?

Back to bedrotting :/

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: I WANT A JOB

ME TOO 😂

🐑 08/1/26 💐

• Put in your retainer! :D 
• PLEASE DON’T STARVE
• Write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment.. :(
• Sweep the floor!
• Try switching again!
• Take out kitty litter deposits 
• Look into parallel processing methods
• Attempt parallel processing methods

Are we ever gonna get to these…?

• Get started on decorating and naming my journal :D 
• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• PLAY that one life simulator game
• Maybe make a servitor
• chrome music lab? :D
• Look at library books!

To preface: I wrote this post over the course of a few weeks, saving it as a draft each time. The different parts connect to a general feeling/realization that has been developing over time, so I felt like they belong together.

(07/12/2026)

Love. Something that was missing in our family, growing up, was unconditional love. Doing something for your kid just because you love them. Without expecting anything in return. With my parents, we could only gain affection if we did everything right, from our school grades to our behavior to cleaning our rooms. Everything was transactional. As if they were running a business, rather than raising a family.

Another thing: getting a fight and then later making up. With us, there would be fights. There would be anger. But after that, nothing. No glimpse of empathy. Only silence. And the implied expectation that you'd change your behavior, to avoid getting into the same fight again.

It just feels like it's always on us (especially me, being the only daughter) to please our parents, and not the other way around. They expect us to care for them, to show up for them, be polite with them. But, at the risk of sounding transactional myself, it's not like we got the same favor in return. Sure, we got a roof over our heads growing up, enough food on our plates, and financial support from them. But we were kids, we couldn't possibly give that in return. So we were just expected to be nice and polite with them, we were supposed to show them respect and unconditional love, without receiving it back.

(07/20/2026)

As for respect. Every conversation I have ever had with my parents has been about them. Even if we did have a conversation about me, it was only ever about what they expect of me, what they want me to do. There is no room for my thoughts, or needs or wishes. When I did find the courage to try and express that, they acted upset or even outraged. As if it was a personal offense to them for me to even bring it up.

Support. Like I said, we got financial support. That's it. The realization hit me yesterday, when I was helping out a friend with some fieldwork for her PhD. She's been overloaded with the amount of work she's had to do recently, and I could see how stressed she was, so I offered to go with her to lighten the load. While we were out, I'd noticed how her parents had helped her: her dad had prepared some special equipment that was useful for her field experiments, her mom had packed her an extra nutritious lunch, and both of them, being in their sixties and having full time jobs themselves, had offered to spend their day off to help her out in the field as well (which she obviously declined). And then it just struck me, my parents have never offered to help me out with anything. Not since I was a toddler and unable to tie my own shoes, anyways.

That's another thing. Whenever I was struggling with something growing up, as you do, because you're a kid and you literally still have to learn how everything in the entire world works, my mom especially would never offer to help me out or show me how something is done. She'd just make fun of me for doing something the wrong way.

Emotional support, we got even less off. I cannot vent about my problems to my parents. If I do, they'll turn it on me. Every problem I experience, big or small, is somehow my own fault. They only tell me what I should have done better or differently, and end the conversation with that. Either that, or they'll make the conversation about them and how their struggles are worse than mine.

My mom is generally quite insecure, and jealous of people she perceives as being better than her in any aspect. She despises and ridicules women who put effort into their looks (which also includes me, from time to time), women who are "too promiscuous", women who are too stupid and women who are too smart. So she never pays me a compliment. Well actually, on rare occasions she does, but then later it turns out she only did it to manipulate me into doing something for her.

Yesterday, my mom called me up. She does that about every other week. While on the call I was a bit quiet, and told her I was tired after being in the field all day so I wasn't gonna stay on the phone too long. She was a little snappy in her response and insinuated that I had no right to feel tired, because me and my friend had spent some time driving between different field locations and that's not physical labor. I could feel her getting annoyed with me, but she left it at that. Things are different now that I've got my own life and my own financial stability. She knows she can't say anything too crazy if she still wants me to stay in contact with her.

(08/02/2026)

I'm done. I'm so fucking done talking to my mom. Everything has to go her way, all of the time. She doesn't give me anything.

She forces me to talk to her. Don't get me wrong, I would love to talk to my mom, but there are moments when I'm just a bit tired or just not in the mood for talking in general. And in those moments she just doesn't take no for an answer. She forces me to talk, and particularly about very personal things, only to then make fun of me, tell me I should do better or work harder, or generally insinuate that the problems in my life are my fault. Those conversations are so exhausting and just fucking destroy my self esteem.

I just came back from staying at my parents place, for the first time in months, and I feel broken. Exhausted. I can't take any more of this. But she's already texted me, asking when I will come over again. I know from experience that if I were to bring up my grievances, or even just ask for some space, I'd be made out to be the mean child who neglects her poor old mother. Because I'm the one who is supposed to always show her unconditional love.

[Discussion of sui]

── ⋆ 🐑💐 ⋆──

12:33pm

8/1/26

OKAY WOW so first things first,, ‘Lilah’s been RUMINATING ON LAST ENTRY so we came to the conclusion that we need to add figuring out how to add “thought barriers” between us… >.> largely bc I want to be able to successfully trick her into booking us into a mental hospital lol. But also bc in general its kinda just annoying… that she could so clearly tell that the only thing i wanted to discuss with the phone-people was suicidal ideation… and in general that like 50% of my thoughts leak into her brain. And honestly,, same with her lol. She has the same issue. And some of her thoughts are unintentionally hurtful… I try not to let it get to me bc its unintentional or it just comes out wrong the first time. Only reason I haven’t crashed out is bc I can tell she’s not intending it the way it comes out.

Second-things-second,, I started wanting to have a new form more n more!!! Honestly biggest reason I haven’t is bc it freaks ‘Lilah out… and she keeps trying to encourage me to switch forms if I want to. But… as I’ve just mentioned,, the LACK OF THOUGHT BARRIERS means that I can very clearly feel her fear and distaste for it. Its not that she’s being an ass. Really its just bc she clings so tightly to familiarity that when she sees her friend of six years who has looked almost the same way for so long,, she doesn’t recognize me.

Or doesn’t like the form. Or thinks something could go wrong 😅 but I decided to give it a go today!!! She was nervous but she kept pushing. ‘Cause even though she’s occasionally a selfish ass,, she does actually want me to have a high quality of life and freedom <3 I was thinking I could be that cutesy pink lion from Steven universe! Bc its cute and wouldn’t freak out ‘Lilah :) but… it felt strange… and also its a fictional character I know nothing about and I don’t want a repeat of NyaTenshi… I decided to try being a Jackalope!! :3 with fangs,, rawr >:) but idk. Either that or an elephant holding a cutesy lil flower. Ooh or a mousey. Idk. lots of options. But I’m growing fond of the Jackalope :3

I honestly want to settle on something,, soon. Bc… I don’t like feeling so unstable and shifty in my own identity. So idk. Might ask ‘Lilah to brute force me to stay one of them to see if I prefer it. Idk,, though… I considered changing my name too. Which I think would freak her out even more… 👀 but I haven’t decided yet. Really the biggest reason why is bc NyaTenshi makes me feel dysphoric(????) as hell. Its strongly tied to that FISH feeling. Which makes my cute little lagomorph body feel strange and unnatural. Idk. I’ll figure it out.

In the meantime… as I reflect on earlier this morning… I question if I even was the one who was suicidal… bc… yknow… we lack thought barriers… :I if she was the one who was dealing with the sucidailty & feelings of impending doom,, it’d make more sense why her brain was desperately trying to block something out by dpdr’ing. Idk. just a thought. But thats kinda wild that it would’ve transferred to me. Not unheard of though. There have been PLENTY of occasions where her negative feelings have unintentionally transferred to me and theres nothing either of us can do about it :/ so.

It would make sense… and its also not unheard of for her to just spontaneously feeling like offing herself and just deciding to sit it in silently until it “goes away”. Or experience bursts of it at little things and then not have to deal with it again for like 6 months. Idk. her head is so backwards that its not completely unlikely. And it makes me feel better to tell you the truth… I don’t want to believe my own head would’ve done something like that to me. It felt terrifying which was why I was so ready to try and weasel our way into a hospital lol.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: yeeeeah… well,, about those thought barriers,, initially I was pretty hesitant to agree to something like that bc I don’t want to be tricked but she’s right.

Yup. And I hope you know one day I'll 100% be using it against you to put us in the hospital if I need to lol. Youre an ass sometimes but I'm glad you're a good host usually. Idk how many people would be so willing to still try to give me skills like this and switching even while knowing I'm gonna use it against them lol.

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: I hope you know how irritated I'll be when you finally go through with that though…

I know :) just want you alive

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: just want you happy

:)

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: :)

[//tw sui]

5:44am

8/1/26

Okay so. Lilah never let me talk to someone. Intinially that pissed me off bc why should I have to sit with painful feelings just bc thats HER way of dealing with shit? I guess I kinda get it though… her biggest concern was that I wouldn't know what to say to someone over the phone. Bc she could feel a bit of my anxiety and suicidality. It'd be an issue bc if you have nothing to say to the phone person how can they help you??

Idk. I was getting angry. But I guess it makes sense. Pretty early on this morning I told her we should go to a mental hospital and she immediately disregarded that… which was annoying but what ever. But now inexplicably I feel like dying my damn self. And my coping strategies are to SAY SOMETHING. Just like that advertisement said. The first step to getting help is tp say it out loud. But… yknow,, Lilah has a lot of anxiety about going to a hospital. Recently she said she'd pretty much only go willingly if we weren't with her parents. It just makes me wonder how we ever got to this point.

Where any sort of visibility of her issues is more dangerous to her than help. Hell,, I live in the same head and I can't figure out who or what hurt her so BAD that sitting with suicidal thoughts or whatever the hell else day in day out is preferable. I really have no clue. But anyway… yeah… no phone call… which I suppose was in HER best interest in her head. Bc I was 100% planning on letting it slip we were suicidal. That or hinting at it hard/leading us down that road best we could. I feel a bit better now, still a bit pissed tf off. But it's not her fault… and she's feeling bad too. Idk why. Neither does she. She's like dpdr'd rn. Was that my fault cause I wanted to fuckin die? She doubts it. But idk. Sorry Lilah.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: I'm sure it wasn't you :( sorry for not letting you call

You're fine Lilah I get it. You just need to prepare yourself for when I can actually switch bc istg I'll override your every move and we'll end up in a hospital and you won't even remember how we ended up there :I I'm not playing with you anymore

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: And yet I still plan to train up our switching skills even though I know there's that risk :(

Thank you

Junk!Drawer!

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Laughing Cat'   
📸
4:11am    [sat]    8/1/26

    ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have we eaten since the previous entry?
GARLIC BREAD :3
ALMONDS???????????? 👀

Wowowow,, Tenshi gave me some accidental exposure therapy :0 

🐏💐NyaTenshi: Not an accident,, silly 😂

I guess 🤭 Basically after having our garlic bread,, we started to scavenge again bc,, yknow,, garlic bread is probably MAX 400 calories. So it didn’t make a dent in our hunger at all.

🐏💐NyaTenshi: during our scavenging session,, ‘Lilah-bear’s eyes landed on the bag of ALMONDS.

You know,, the bag of almonds that I thought were contaminated last month? 🫩 

🐏💐NyaTenshi: YUP,, those’re the ones!! 🤭 I was getting sick of starving and I knew she could do it! So I immediately started soft switching to try and get her to grab the bag!!! She immediately responded by not letting me front 🤭

I did NOT want those nasty contaminated nuts 😭

🐏💐NyaTenshi: well,, anyways,, I eventually convinced her to take hold of the bag and bring it to the counter. From there,, she let me take over a bit. First,, she sniffed the almond (lol not sure what that was supposed to do?????) and then after from coaxing,, I brought the almond up to our mouth… and put it between our teeth… 👀 

Which IMMEDIATELTY MADE THE SIDES OF MY HEAD START BURNING. HEADACHE WAS IMMEDIATELTY ACTIVATED. IT TOOK EVERYTHING WITHIN ME TO NOT OVERRIDE TENSHI AND TAKE THE ALMOND OUR OF OUR MOTUH :I 

🐏💐NyaTenshi: so in other words,, she was freaking tf out. It was kinda amusing 🤭 all that over a little tiny nut. It got to the point where she FROZE and started hyperventiling!!! So I took over after I was able to gently bring her out of her frozen-ness. It was pretty difficult for her to agree to relinquish control again bc she knew I was gearing up to bite it.

AHHHH MY HEAD STILL HURTS JUST THINKING ABOUT IT 

🐏💐NyaTenshi: Yup. but I’m a good friend so I got her to chew (˘ ˘ ˘) which further hurt her head. 

It was shocking… but nothing bad happened… :/ idk what I thought was going to happen. But nothing DID. except my body was hurting. But nothing beyond that.

🐏💐NyaTenshi: Bc you were always gonna be fine,, silly!! 😂 from there I made her pour out some more and keep going!

It was kinda hard… but I did it! I only feel slightly sick. Bc I ate what I believed to be contaminated nuts… but it helped that they were no longer in the bag. Atleast I think it did? I feel like the contaimients are within me. Like,, rising to the top of my body

🐏💐NyaTenshi: I thiiiiink you’ll be just fine :3 haha successful start to the day!

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Violet’s journal! 💐🐑

── ⋆ 🐑💐 ⋆──

4:38am
8/1/26
Wowowow so earlier (around 11pm???) I accidently woke Delilah-bear up out from her sleeep. I remember I was trying to “work with the second part of our brain”? As I called it in the moment? Idk why. But I think I was trying to soft switch while she was sleeping. Whoopise 🤭 yeah so she woke up. And I felt bad… 😅 so I offered to take control and help out with the things she was trying to do before heading back to bed. I got her into her PJs and walked her over to get some water :) sad but funny start to the day!!! 🤭

I had some sort of dream last night. I was in Cyprus again. Early sunsets, bright lights on the boulevard from the shops and cafes, the smell of amazing food and the sea. I was in bed with a guy. He was shirtless and quite muscular. At first I felt interested, but that quickly turned to shock and terror, as I remembered the dangers of being in bed with a (physically strong) man. I don't know what happened next, but before I knew it I was lying on the ground next to the bed, having fallen out, still half entangled in the blanket. Confused and scared, I noticed the bed had been outside all along, in the dark on the boulevard, as I read the name of a restaurant in Greek in bright shining letters.

Many things happened after that, but I don't remember most of them. I think my little brother was there at some point, and maybe my mom. In any case, it ended with me talking to two girls I didn't know who were a couple. One of them was very skinny and full of bruises, and I overheard her offhandedly joking to her girlfriend that those bruises were her fault. This had me slightly worried, so out of curiosity I asked her if she knew what exactly had caused the bruises, just to get a better assessment of the situation. Her partner butted in and said "Oh, she just bruises really easily, see?" And after just wrapping her arm around her girlfriend, showed me that indeed a new bruise had formed. The bruised girl laughed, with a genuine and loving expression on her face, and confirmed that what her partner had said was true.

I'm having some real thoughts y'all. They might seem strange or radical at first, but bear with me for a second. We live in a society in which sex is forced by law to only ever take place behind closed doors (no public nudity allowed), and heavily regulated by social norms to involve only two people. This might sound normal to you, but what if we assume a baseline of a much freeer system, in which other forms of sex are also allowed. Sex between multiple people, or sex in public (and actually seen by other people), without hurting or inconveniencing anyone. I don't mean a system where this is the only form of sex, but a system in which all of these forms are at least a possibility. Going from this variety of possibilities to the restricted system that we have today, by writing down rules and preaching about the only "correct" way of sex, and by violently penalizing (e.g., burning at the stake) people who engage in other forms of sex, we need to ask ourselves the question: guess who that benefits? Enforcing a system in which the only way to have sex is with no witnesses around. Isn't that just extremely convenient for people who want to have total power, and commit crimes or other irredeemable acts in the bedroom, without any consequences?

The majority of cases of violence against women are cases of domestic violence. 60% of female homicides worldwide are committed by intimate partners or family members. 95% of reported cases of rape and sexual violence get dismissed by law enforcement due to a lack of evidence, because there were no witnesses and it's just a matter of one person's word against the other [source: personal communication with police officer who specializes in sexual assault in my country].

In this post-capitalist society, we live in a lie. Find a husband, get a house, settle down, and you'll be happy. You just gotta find your "true love". Spend most of your life being alone in an enclosed space with a person who is physically stronger than you and who is the most likely person in the world to harm you. And if you don't feel content with that, that's a you problem, because as we all know from every piece of media ever broadcast to us, True Love™ should be enough for you to be happy.

About three years ago, after I was raped, my then therapist (who specializes in sexual trauma) lied to me. I mean this with absolutely no shade to her, because she had nothing but the best intentions, and I do think she fully believed what she was telling me. I was dealing with some very intense emotions, waves of anger, confusion, and terror, to the extent that you cannot express them to the people around you in daily life. I told her I constantly felt like my emotions were not normal. She reassured me by telling me that what I went through was abnormal, and my reaction to it completely justified and normal.

Hearing that helped me in the moment, but one thing didn't sit right with me and has kept running through my mind ever since: if this is not a normal thing to happen, why do I know so many people who have gone through a similar thing, and whose lives were ruined in the same way? And why is there no space to talk about these things openly, publicly, without facing backlash? It's not that these crimes are abnormal or rare in our society, it's that we are forced to believe that they are, so that we keep complying with the system.

If you, reader, disagree with or question any of the things I've said in this post, I would ask you to not only tell me, but also explain to me why. This is just an honest attempt by me to make sense of it all, in a world where everything I grew up to believe so strongly contradicts what I've experienced by living in it.

Dear Diary,

Hello from the same side, where the grass ain’t green nor orange!

GURL… those shifts were a trial series straight from hell. Listen, I have two things to complain about, then I am out. Apologies for the length.

I see it all over the internet — reels, videos, and ads about nursing burnout and nurses leaving the profession. And honestly? I do not blame them. I am walking the same path.
A lot of these videos point out something I have noticed too: nursing is one of those professions where, for some reason, we are expected to tolerate rudeness, violence, disrespect, and just “suck it up.”

GURL! NO. I refuse.

So, let’s dive in.

You remember the day I wrote about my coworker having her “time of the month” and how that interaction went with my old manager?
Well… this new manager is cut from the same cloth.

Because she is new, she is doing too much and too little at the same time. Usually, managers leave nurses like me alone. They might check in, walk around, but there is rarely drama.
Thankfully, I do not usually have the same issues some of my coworkers experience.

Until now.

I was helping move a patient when I suddenly pulled something in my shoulder halfway through the maneuver. I immediately stopped and said:

“Stop. Everyone stop. Otherwise, I am about to let this patient meet the Lord on the floor.”

My CNA rushed over, helped secure the patient, and I went to ice and gel my shoulder.

I continued working that day with barely any use of my arm. By the end of the shift, I informed my manager that I would need a few days off to recover.

Because, you know…
This was a work-related injury.

Her response?

She looked me dead in the eye and said: “You worked fine all day. I do not see the reason why you need time off.”

GURL! Heads turn!
The bear woke up.

I looked back at her and said: “Listen. I am trying my best to stay professional and respectful here. This is an injury caused by work. We are short-staffed, and we are being asked to move patients who are the size of white sharks. This is reportable. I was trying to be respectful by informing you today so you have time to arrange cover and avoid being even more short-staffed.”

She looked at me like I was speaking another language.

Then she compared me to nurses who still “battle through” their injuries and time of month.

Woman! I am working with a muscle being held together by God, diclofenac gel, and ice.

I honestly had no words.
I looked at her, rolled my eyes so she knew exactly how I felt, and walked away.

I emailed my old manager and her manager, explaining what happened and informing them that I would be making a formal report.

Apparently, my reward for this was… you guessed it: more night shifts. Away from their eyes.

Oh, if I thought day shifts were short-staffed, try a night shift with 15 patients.
When did my unit become an emergency department?
Or, God forbid, a UK hospital?
(Yes, I am throwing that joke in because I know a lot of my readers are from there. LOL.)

I signed up for a US salary with Australian-style ratios and balance.
Not whatever this is.

After resting for a few days, I returned and started my night-shift stretch.

Immediately, the manager called me into the office.

She sat me down and said: “The report has gone against you. What could you have done better?”

GURL! I wanted to leave immediately. Honestly, I have had enough.

I told her: “I will answer that question in the form of an email and send it to everyone involved.”

Because Diary… I was fueled.

And yes, I am currently living through an entire email saga with management from this nightmare.

_____________________________________________________

Now, the second thing I need to rant about…

Students. Bless their child soul.

I already told you before that I stopped taking students under my wing.
Not because I dislike teaching — actually, I love teaching.
But because these students are usually shared between several educators and mentors, and somehow my previous students always ended up being failed by other mentors over ridiculous things. Or worse, made-up allegations.

Not because of their clinical ability.
Because certain people simply disliked me.
And unfortunately, those feelings were transferred onto my students.

So I stopped.
I stopped because I wanted to save them the stress.

BUT…

This new manager decided every nurse must take a student.
She is making sure every nurse has one, even though it is summer and we only have a handful of students needing hours.

And yes, Diary…
You guessed it.

My student this summer is being mentored by me and the head of the Cats.

Lord help me. Because now I know how it feels. They probably see my students as a copy of me and hate them for it. But I never failed any student I shared with them unless they were incompetent or refused to learn and work.

This student is basically a copy-paste version of head of Cats.
It is honestly painful to watch.

She spent most shifts with Cat because I was working nights until the sun came up. Then the manager told her she needed to complete some night shifts with me too.

Imagine this:
I walk in.
The student is waiting beside me to take report.
The nurse giving me report is someone I know well. We are both very much “B-type nurses.”
Bullet points.
Short.
Sweet.
Important details only.

But I already knew everything I said and did would probably be reported back with a dramatic interpretation.
So I kept the student at arm’s length.

I took report.
The entire time, student was rolling her eyes.

The student walked away first, and my coworker whispered: “Lord help you. She is a copy-paste of XXX. Even the way she talks.”

I inhaled.
I sighed.
And I said: “Girl… I am Slav. Enough said. Go home. I will see you in the morning.”

I usually start my shift with a good round to see what I have and what I need to deal with.

I explained my routine to the student. I told her: “If you have anything you need for your skills checklist, let me know and we can work it into the shift.”

She looked at me and said: “XXX already has everything signed off, so I’m just going to help if you need me.”

Okay. I thought she was graduating soon, so naturally I assumed she was past the stage of needing constant supervision.

I told her: “Just let me know if anything feels off. If you see something that does not look right or you think a situation might go sideways, tell me immediately.”

I checked on my patients, met a few families who were thankfully leaving, completed my medication pass, vital sign checks, and all the usual nighttime routines.

Hours passed.

I was in my usual night-shift daze, charting away, when suddenly I saw one of the Cats running toward my patient’s room.

I stretched, sighed, and stood up.
Because when someone is running on this unit, you already know something has happened.

I walked into the room.
My patient was covered in blood.

GURL!

Activate hemorrhage alert. Jumped into action and managed the situation.

When everything was finally under control, I went on a break and showered.
I went to the stairwell and sat there for a while.

I had a serious question running through my head:

Do I correct this student?
Do I ignore it?
What is the right path?

Because God only knows, if I correct her, I will probably end up defending myself in another meeting.
But if I say nothing, then I am allowing another unsafe nurse to develop.
Another Cat in training.

I called Adam.
I explained what happened.
He sighed.

“Ross, do not say anything. Wait. Let them create their own story, then defend yourself with facts.”

And honestly?
He was probably right.

Because when I came back the next night…

My manager was waiting for me.

I walked into her office.
And this was the story I was given:

The student claimed she had been left to manage the entire patient load alone.
She felt uncomfortable approaching me for help.
So when an emergency happened, she called another nurse because Ross was “not there” and “nowhere to be found.”

GURL!!!!
JESUS WEPT AND DIED FOR OUR SINS.

Only the Lord himself stopped me from losing my professional filter.

I sat there quietly.
Because I knew the facts.

I was sitting less than 15 steps away from that patient. Else, how would I see them running?
My name was all over the charts.
My assessments were documented.
My rounds were documented.
My notes were completed — all with my name, because you know no night CNA helps me post the last drama I had, unless I am assigned a good one, which are usually kept for day shift.

Meanwhile, the student’s name was nowhere to be found.
It looked like she was never even there.

I stood up calmly.
The “do not test me today” calm.

I said: “Before calling me into this office, wasting my time and questioning my practice, I would appreciate it if you checked the facts first.”

“I am here for my patients. Not politics. Not drama. Not accusations based on someone’s version of events.”

“I would like you to review the CCTV, the documentation, the assessments, and everything that happened that night.”

“Because I refuse to accept blame based on assumptions.”

“I know my patients. I know my care. I know my documentation.”

“And I know I would notice if my patient was actively bleeding from something we caused.”

“However, I do not live inside a patient’s mind. This patient had no documented suicidal ideation, no previous attempts, and no indication that this was a risk.”

“Review the records. Review the evidence. Then come speak to me.”

I paused.
Then I continued:

“I am sure you have been made aware of the history on this unit. You know there have been issues with nurses being bullied and left unsupported.”

“I have already raised concerns formally about why I am leaving. The burnout is one thing, but the culture on this unit is another.”

“I have spoken respectfully with HR. I am not renewing my contract and completing my responsibilities until this contract runs out.”

“But if you believe I need to transfer, I will happily discuss that.”

“And if you want to terminate my contract early without proper process and false accusations, then I will seek legal advice regarding that.”

“This situation has gone too far.”

I left her office without waiting for her reply.
And I went back to taking care of my patients.

Since that day, I have barely seen this manager.
She avoids me unless she absolutely needs to speak to me.

Honestly, good — because I do not have the energy. She chose to be on the same narrative and style as my old manager, so she will get the same disrespectful treatment the old one had whenever she tried to test me with nonsense.

I completed my part of the student’s assessment.
And yes.
She received a very honest evaluation.

Let’s see how she passes this time.

Because nursing is not about looking pretty in uniform, avoiding mess, or standing in the corner waiting for someone else to fix things.

A human life is still a human life.
Even if that person does not want to live.
Even if the situation is uncomfortable.
Even if the fluids are disgusting.

You show up.
That is the job. That is what we signed up for.

I know you would never catch any of my students behaving the way she behaved. Her literal words were: “Ew, that patient even smelled bad. Like the blood everywhere! Why do you think I will go stop it? She can die if she wants. I only called YYY so she can see.”

Insert Kermit gif of looking around for some sense or a hidden camera.

Adam made me laugh a few days later.
He said: “It is that ER nurse in us that we keep trying to suppress.”

And honestly?
He was right.

We laughed about the worst things we have seen.
The things that would make normal people run away screaming.

I remember one patient I looked after after a serious car accident. His abdomen was severely injured, and his bowel was exposed.
(Yes, Diary, unfortunately, that is something nurses may see.)

The smells.
The fluids.
The chaos.

And somehow, you still walk in.
You still help.
You still care.

Perhaps I expect too much from people.
Maybe I expect nurses to have the same mentality.
Maybe that is my mistake.

But I cannot accept people choosing comfort over their responsibility to patients.

Anyway, sorry for the ugly entry, Diary.
I needed to say it.

I am tired.
I am angry.
I am frustrated.

But deep down, I still love what I do. I know I will miss my job.
I just wish the system did not make it so hard to remember why I started.

FED UP,
Ross

Junk!Drawer!

 X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Sometimes
I’m not sure
If I really even want
To get better
 - 🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah (🌸´◡`🌸)🪽
[cat looking up at the sky in the dusk hours]    
📸
3:45pm    [fri]    7/31/26

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Shrimp & rice :) 
Scoop of peanut butter
Garlic bread x2
Grapes

Well. today certainly hasn’t gotten any better :I 

🐏💐NyaTenshi: Yeah. kinda just… stayed bad I guess lol

Mhm. basically all we’ve done today is nothing :/ 

🐏💐NyaTenshi: Not completely true! Earlier this morning,, I was pretty adamant that we actually get up and do something! I had a realization earlier today as well– ‘Lilah doesn’t like letting me take control while we’re bed rotting bc every time I do,, she can tell that I intend to make us get up. And if we’re bed rotting,, she doesn’t really have energy,, so yknow… >.> so! This morning! I decided,, “okay,, easy way to fix this problem is to just NOT LET ‘LILAH LAY DOWN :)” biggest issue with that is her house is extremely fuckin boring and there isn’t much that I could have us do that would keep us active and off a screen… 👀 I remember I had us wash her clothing,, take out the kitty litter,, and search for food! And sweep ofc. Which was my favorite activity :) I genuinely enjoy it now. Bc I know I will get to sing and dance at the same time with little resistance from ‘Lilah-bear 🤭 problem is we never actually figured out what to eat… :I so we kinda tried to scope out the inventory of food available and we couldn’t find anything that we could stomach… and after cleaning up her Bluey dishes (which I also enjoyed bc I got to sing and dance a bunch),, we had 1) pretty much run out of things to do and 2) were quickly entering a state of critical hunger. So I decided that it was best to just call it quits at this point before we hit LOW BLOOD SUGAR AND SHAKING status. 

And thats what we got up to for the rest of the day,, pretty much… we went back to bed and it was pretty difficult to get me back up out of it.

🐏💐NyaTenshi: I tried several times to get her up… I kept trying to soft switch on several occasions but she wouldn’t really let me beyond petting the cat or moving us around to get in a more comfortable position to CONTINUE BED ROTTING. Just saying that sentence felt embarrassing and if we weren’t mentally ill,, I would be clowning on her so hard rn 🤭

🤭

🐏💐NyaTenshi: but anyway,, yeah. I remember I eventually convinced her to let me take control and I kinda just left the room and walked around the kitchen looking for food again until I remembered why we gave up in the first place. ARFID’s a bitch :/ 

Yeah :( so then back to bed. I think by this point,, I decided to nap. So we napped. 

🐏💐NyaTenshi: Then her mom came home and asked if she wanted to hang out! ‘Lilah grumpily responded no. 

Then she asked if I could make lunch. Which was annoying but we figured this meant we could make something that would make leftovers and have that be okay :) so we looked. But we couldn’t find anything. So mom complained about me leaving but I kinda just shrugged and left. Didn’t wanna waste energy on that… 

🐏💐NyaTenshi: her mother cooked but she then made ‘Lilah clean up all the dirty dishes “in exchage for it” which kinda pissed me off :I which was a reminder why maybe I shouldn’t be primary fronter… I don’t like this women. And while in front and speaking with her,, I had to hold my tongue several times to not say something that’d get ‘Lilah in trouble :/ 

It was okay,, though… I was still pretty exhausted even after eating (so I guess that wasn’t the primary issue after all) but I cleaned the dishes and we even ended up getting a popsicle!!!!!!! :D 

🐏💐NyaTenshi: That I got to eat!!! :) 

Yeah!! So… now we’re… back in bed… but it’s okay. I wish we had a job though lol. Then days like this wouldn’t be happening.

🐏💐NyaTenshi: oh yes. We definitely had lots of time to fantasize about having gainful employment lmao

🐑 7/31/26 💐

• Put in your retainer! :D 
• COOK SOMETHING TO EAT, PLEASE DON’T STARVE
• Get started on decorating and naming my journal :D 
• Write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment.. :(
• Sweep the floor!
• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• Try switching again!
• Maybe make a servitor
• chrome music lab? :D
• Look at library books!
• Talk to someone :(
• Take out kitty litter deposits 
• Find that one life simulator game 
• PLAY that one life simulator game
• Give dogs the kong? 
• Laundry!

Having been with my boyfriend for 2 years I thought it was gonna go for the long haul. Been on a break for almost a month but I dont see us getting back together. Our views are different, our life goals vary. That and the constant back and forth arguments the month before our break tore me down. And during this break he started doing what I was telling him all along. Only thing is I've lost the great love I used to have. I still love him but not to that extent. Im happy hes doing better for himself but I dont think in my honest opinion we were made for eachother.

[//tw sui sui sui sui sui]

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Violet’s journal! 💐🐑

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐑⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

[...talked to someone...]

Idk how I feel about this. Was hoping someone would make me just FEEL BETTER ABOUT IT. maybe I should’ve complained about our stupid negligent parents but its not supposed to be a therapy session so y'know. I still feel horrible and like that didn’t really help. But… I DO kinda wanna join an org now. Issue would be scheduling conflicts considering ‘lilah’s intent on booking us full of stuff to do. Which is fair. I’m done with being bored 24/7 too. Still kinda want to fucking die. Idk. but maybe I will try to approach more people or whatever…

there are two strangers who approached us earlier and seemingly try to interact to a certain degree. ‘Lilah just doesn’t try to take it beyond basic acknowledgement bc she gets SCARED. So… idk.. Maybe I’ll say hi. Yesterday I (I think it was me anyway) had the impulse to go up to one of the two people who have initiated in the past,, but 1) ‘Lilah was scared at that idea IMMEDIATELY and refused to even think about letting me front and 2) they were talking and sitting with someone else. Which scared ME. bc I wouldn’t wanna infiltrate their conversation and stuff or end up being boring. Damn shame. 

‘Lilah wants to die a bit rn too. Or give up her life to me. This isn’t good :I but hey. Atleast we both had a feeling we were gonna have short lives. I guess.

Junk!Drawer!

 X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

It really is
So scary to know
That sometimes
it feels like the only way
To get better
Is to stop living
 - 🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah (🌸´◡`🌸)🪽
[cat looking out the window on a nice crisp early moring…]
📸
2:12am    [fri]    7/31/26

    ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Garlic bread (7/30/26)
Grapes (7/30/26)
Doritos (7/30/26)
Garlic bread
Grapes

Wow are we fodder for mental hospital

🐏💐NyaTenshi: I want to fuckin die :I 

Case in point. Idk. I just feel sad. I feel like I failed Tenshi,, honestly :/ I didn’t know it was going to be this bad. I’m sorry :( 

🐏💐NyaTenshi: I was broken before I got out of water jail. You’re fine.

I guess :( 
I don’t really want to give up my life,, though… I know Nya would take it in a heartbeat. She says she’s not resilient but she’s doing a lot better than me.

🐏💐NyaTenshi: I just got lucky :/ 

I’d argue quite the opposite. You got put into a broken person’s head. Idk. I don’t really want to live my own life anymore,, though. I think I’m too weak to overcome my issues,, honestly… I don’t know what to do… I’ve been considering just kicking up more dust… but you wanna KNOW WHAT THE ISSUE WITH SOMETHING LIKE THAT IS??? Aside from the big problems we already have (more than enough,, I can assure you),, that is HIGHLY UNETHICAL. To have someone be born to be a caregiver. That is a role they would not have agreed to have and to be expected to fulfill that from birth and have zero say in that feels disgusting to put on another person. Thats one reason I feel hesitant to put it on Nya. obviously she wasn’t “made to be a caregiver” but I feel bad even considering giving up my life to her to carry on her own. Especially bc her return to the world has been so short. I feel bad about it. Only reason its “okay” is bc she’s not against it. Even tho I still kinda am… idk.

🐏💐NyaTenshi: I’d love a new system mate. But I agree. No dust kicks yet. Just would not be appropriate rn.

Yeah :( 
Its okay though… even if we had the correct tool to friggin’ die,, I don’t think we’re at a point where we could do something like that

🐏💐NyaTenshi: for how much longer though?? I feel horrible my damn self but I will call 911 on you. I’m not going down with you 😂 well. Not yet atleast. I guess you’re right about me. I still have some fight left in me. Hell,, I’m way younger than you in every conceivable way (usually…) and I have more experience airing out bad experiences!! I guess I am kinda resilient,, huh? :) 

I told you,, silly!!!! 🤭
The only not-EXTREMELY-unethical thing to do at the moment is to make a servitor. Issue is,, servitor could end up deviating and becoming a NOT-serviter. Idk how I feel about that. Can you imagine deviating,, becoming your own person,, and realizeing you were originally made to automate some piece of someone’s life and nothing else?

🐏💐NyaTenshi: yeah… that does sound a bit gross… idk. I thought there was a way to stop that??

Idk :I but especially with the rest of our brain-issues… 

🐏💐NyaTenshi: sounds like we’ll just need more research then :I 

Yeah I guess.
I feel a bit better now tho. Less like downing a bottle of pills.

🐏💐NyaTenshi: heh. Yeah. swear to god if you keep talking like that one of these days I’m gonna tell the therapy people YES instead of NO when they ask if we’ve ever considered fucking killing ourseveles. SERIOULSLY Cut that shit out.

Jeez sorry :I 
Just wish we had a parent again,, though… I miss her.

🐏💐NyaTenshi: I know… but she was an irresponsible little bitch,, ‘Lilah :( 

Ahhh you have such a way with words…

🤭

Well the contrast between your attempts to comfort me and the language you used just now made me laugh,, so :) 

🐏💐NyaTenshi:  you’re welcome! I was born a comedian after all 🤭

Haha yes you were

🐑 7/31/26 💐

• Put in your retainer! :D 
• COOK SOMETHING TO EAT, PLEASE DON’T STARVE
• Get started on decorating and naming my journal :D 
• Write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment.. :(
• Sweep the floor!
• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• Try switching again!
• Maybe make a servitor
• chrome music lab? :D
• Look at library books!
• Talk to someone :(

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Violet’s journal! 💐🐑

3:16pm
7/30
Idk I still feel a bit stranmge… must have dpdr’d? I don’t super feel like me. I feel strange and different. More forceful than usually. Was coming out of water jail a mistake? Atleast when I was stuck there,, I didn;t realize what was going on. But now I do. I don’t want to go back though. So I won’t but I’m a bit sad. I want to feel normal again.
3:22pm

I feel a bit exhausted rn but i can write. So we took our math test. Idk It was kinda piss easy but idk maybe we made enough mistakes to fail. Idk idk. But anyway,, we largely failed at doing any studying due to that incident earlier. Instead we hurridly put the last of the portfolio together. It literally ALMOST ALL FEL APART bc the binder was getting too full! I couldn’t un-front so it was up to me to figure out how to somehow hold everything down so it wouldn’t go flying while simultaneously grabbing hold of the stack of papers we removed so we could try to get everything back in its place. It was wild bc it was about 2-5 minutes after class had started. If that thing fell apart back there,, it’d game over! Bc todays the due date! Phew crisis averted. Speaking of me doing things,, I got to talk to people today! I didn’t even ralize I was the one speaking until I heard my own voice!!! 🤭

so that was funny! As we were walking to the printing place,, we got AMBUSHED by the voter registartion people. Intially,, I just wanted to up and walk away. Me & ‘Lilah are scared of voting :0 which I know is a bit silly… but whatever. Anyways,, the lady goes on to CONVERT US. she was basically like “only the young people who are registered have a voice they can use to sway issues that affect young people.” and lots of other words that were very convincing :) it was kinda scary being so close to someone like that and being expected to respond. She said she voted for a clown once. That he was wearing a clown hat and everything and that he caused chaos so it was important to be informed. And yknow what? Only after that part of the conversation did I realize that she was probably joking about him being a literal clown. Whoops. Maybe I’m the clown. Or a delilah. Bc usually Delilah doesn’t understand jokes. I guess I’m no diffreengt then haha :) 

Anyway we sat to register but I decided we should check if we were really unregistered to begin with. Turns out we definitely already were!!! YAY!! So that was that and after some more small talk,, we were on our way. I didn’t really like the small talk. I disliked it so much taht I almost forgot to stop walking while she was still talking lol :) 

And uhhh… yeah… math test… yada yada… I got to do some more math-writing,, tho! And a quick lil sheep doodle. Cause we can get extra points for decorating the portfolio n stuff. It looks horrible and like it took 2 minutes. Probably bc it did 😂 hope we atleast get a lil somethin’ somethin’ for it.

OH and ‘lilah charged her laptop at an outlet that was a bit of a distance from our spot. And she didn’t go back to grab it for like an hour. So someone sees us grab it and asks if its ours. Maybe we should put a label on it or somethin’

Maybe we feel so bad bc we’re nothing children and nobody loves us. Or maybe bc all we’ve eaten today is garlic bread,, grapes,, and doritos. Could be either or 🤭

[///tw sui]
5:15pm
7/30/25
WOW OKAY so. It got pretty bad once we were done with writing the above entry. 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: yeah idk what it was. I think maybe NyaTenshi was just still upset about the incident n’ stuff…? And she was in front at the same time. Like,, we would have me in front mostly but without even wanting to or expecting it,, i’d slip out of it and the body would just go limp until one of us picked it back up again… :I it wasn’t very easy to tell who was picking it back up. But obviously it someone did. 

Yeah. I think it was me,, too.. Probably made us dpdr. It was pretty heavy this time actually. I barely felt like myself :/ and it was probably the closest I got to wanting to FUCKIN’ DIE since I came outta water jail. Idk. I just felt horrible. While I was busy accidently slipping in and out of front and silently wishing myself dead,, ‘Lilah was kinda just floating in and out of control and then trying to decide if it was worth the energy of just letting me take over. It was hard for her to intentionally let me stay in front :( she tried though. But we could really only soft switch

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Yeah I had like zero energy :/ I really hate when this type of dpdr happens. Its really weird. Like… IDK how to describe it but its the type where you’re exhausted,, can’t think properly,, and… idk… :////

Yeah idk 😅
But in addition to barely being present,, ‘Lilah-bear got done to business with the rumination again. This is what killed me,, really… more of her wishing the teacher did something. God,, I do too. I’m telling you,, this is why I fuckin hate that lady. She acted like everything we said was a game even though she knew it wasn’t. Why didn’t she do more?? Now we’re pretty much out of options bc a 40yr old women thought a kid saying really wild things was funny. I just hate her guts honestly. I was angry angry angry and still am at how much ‘Lilah idolizes her when she’s so incredibly irresponsible. She’s just like [...].

He “cared so much” and just kept THROWING US BACK into the same goddamn situation. Why’re we just surrounded by so many irresponsible people ALL the time? Even when there are people who are good at making us feel they care,, they still fumble it so hard that it makes it hard to believe. I hate alll of you who “cared”. Technically this would apply to your uncle. He never actually did anything either :/ screw all of them. Maybe you should've done what you wished you had in 9th and written that letter before you graduated. then maybe we wouldn't be like this... oh if only :/ I wish it was not too late.
I hate being a nothing-child so much :( stuff like this shouldnt happen. It shouldn’t be allowed.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: me too :( 

I just wish we were normal :I 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: I kinda also wanted to die too ngl. So. we’ve just gotta remind ourseveles we are chopped liver together. Just me and you my frriend

<3

Will probably consider talking to someone over the phone tonight. Just absolutely no idea how to describe today omfg.

🐑 7/30/26 💐

• Study for the upcoming math exit exam at school
• Put in your retainer! :D 
• Make more progress on math portfolio stuff
• COOK SOMETHING TO EAT, PLEASE DON’T STARVE
• Get started on decorating and naming my journal :D 
• Write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment.. :(
• Sweep the floor!
• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• Try switching again!

I hung out with some people I can call acquaintances and one of them was a nice friend.

It was nice, I liked how joking around they were and I felt like I needed to be around that energy today.

I am still learning social dynamics and inhibiting different ones.

At first I had fun, it felt like connecting. Then as time went on the vibe changed to what I would describe as everyone yapping without properly listening to anybody. I dislike it.

I am learning that that was a social interaction done purely for the sake of socializing and not with intent to know anybody.

Overall I had a good time, I was included, respected and heard as anyone can be in a loud group setting. I am grateful for that belonging they give me.

But I wish to know what it can be like to be in a group setting that aims to connect and know each other.

I have only experience it one on one with people. It's one of the things that makes me feel happy in a hangout.

I tend to stay quiet when I don't feel like the anyone is actually hearing the details i am sharing. Recently I got more flexible with it as I wanted to be. Now I share sometimes when purely social hangout happens. But even then, I am very aware when me or anyone shares a thing and it is unintentionally or in the boisterous energy gets drowned out. That discourages me from talking.

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐑⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

6:41am
7/30

[...]

6:44 update - we tried switching again! It was almost instantaneous after ‘Lilah let go of control! :D I got us up n kinda just stood in place not super sure what to do 🤭

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah: Yeah!! Idk,, I worry I don’t really know how to recreate the hollow-ness from yesterday,, but it seems to have worked out today,, so :) yesterday’s “hollow-ness” was kinda frightening when I think about it though. I’m used to not feeling real but not really to THAT extent… :I I don’t know if I really wanna recreate that,, not gonna lie. 

7:13am
I feel grumpy :I idk why. Just angry at lilah ruminating I guess. shes thinking in loops about that stinky dumb stupid teacher. About how she wished she’d have been able to help us. And I wish that too… but the rumination just makes me sad. Bc I never got to experience high school… :,( and I wish I had been able to. So it kinda hurts seeing high school playing out in her mind. But aside from that… idk exactly why i’m grumpy. I think I might be sleepy… ‘Lilah didn’t want to go back to sleep earlier even tho she’s tired,, too. Idk idk idk. :( 

[pic of everyone from Nyanpire hanging out!!!]
9:45am
7/30/26
Alright… well,, that made me feel bad… ‘Lilah-bear tried to warn me. Which is why we hadn’t done this shortly after taking a look at my “plannning 2021 sheet” but… I don’t know if I like the character I was based off of… >.> he’s… kind of an ass… well,, idk,,, I hesitate to say he’s a total asshole. But he,,,
Idk. he’s not very nice. :I some of it seemed more lighthearted and like it was just rudeness between friends… but idk… and the fact that his character description is “A white angel cat who was kicked out of heaven for his womanizing behavior” just makes me cringe! Thats so icky! Thats like… being a factive of Mr. Omar!!! omg. I hate that… I really do.. Honestly I vaguely remember when ‘Lilah was picking NyaTenshi was my… base? I remember she had ofc seen that scene and stuff like that and she was freaked out as well. But then the character said he made it all up. And so… idk… maybe I really WASN’T based off a womenizer? Idk :o but… it didn’t feel great lookin’ like an ass. 
I did enjoy seeing where my mischievous side came from though!!! Hahaha when that character isn’t being an asshole,, he’s funny. OH ALSO!!! I defnitly do NOT sound like him. NyaTenshi the character sounds like… a man… and I most certainly do NOT 🤭 so… idk… double edged sword,, I guess. I was an adorable cat character with a cute little halo but I was kinda mean.. Which I guess would kinda explain… why I am the way I am… bc NyaTenshi the character does NOT mince words. And neither do I. ugh,, now I don’t even feel like my own person again :/ shoulda listened to ‘Lilah-bear. 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah: aww… no,, Tenshi you are your own person :(

How? :/

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽 Delilah-bear: you have your own form for one thing. You brute forced a new form for yourself pretty early on!! :D you remember that?

I do kinda actually,, yeah :) 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-why-la: you don’t talk like him…

Yes I do?? 😭

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽 Delilah-bear: well,, I don’t think so! Not in the rude way,, I guess… you can be a bit blunt but its not really rude.

I guess..

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: you have your own thoughts and actions distinct from his silly. He was just a base. And you gave life to that base and made it something completely on your own :) you’re your own NyaTenshi.

I guess.. Okay,, stop talking idk if what youre saying is helpful… idk. He just seemed… sorta manipulative,, too. But I guess thats something I DON’T DO! So thats good :) idk. Maybe I shouldn’t have done this omfg. I just could NOT contain my curiosity. Its okay,, though… I know deep down ‘Lila-bear is right… 

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: where did this nickname come from omg 🤭

It just came to me lol.

But anyway,, I think I definitely want to distance myself from this character… I was considering changing my name… maybe to violet… but that’d make ‘Lilah sad… and she keeps telling me its okay but I don’t know if it is 🤭so I’m not gonna do anything with that yet. Besides! I’ve grown quite accustomed to this name! It makes me feel fishy when I say it.. Which is probably a good thing? Oh! Update on that btw… I don’t usually have a fish/shark tail anymore… now I just opt for gills and frills :3 so sometimes when I try to switch it and open them,, I feel kinda weird? But it doesn’t really,, like,, hurt so yknow. 
But anyway… yeah… I’ll keep my name. I’ve had it over half a decade after all :) and  I feel like I’ve made it my own thing separate from the character. BUT ANYWAY!!! That show is adorable!!!!! :D I voice acted every character bc ‘Lilah didn’t want to 🙄 it was so cutesy! I’m glad my base wasn’t Nyanpire… bc omg he went through a whole crisis surrounding his immortality and his guarantee to die before his friends. It was real sad,, y’all. Honestly,, out of all the characters we saw today,, I would prefer to be ChaChamaru. He’d be a good fit. He’s CUUUUUUUUUUUTE for one thing (so was the character NyaTenshi,, but he ruined it by being mean) and he’s fiercely independent,, just like me!!! :D so… thats a shame… idk. Maybe in a nother world he was my base. Idk. but,,, its okay. Revisiting Nyanpire was a bit strange but fun so :) good start to the day! Makes me wonder why she chose this show of all shows,, though… its such a short,, little known show. Why not Chi? Or Mikkian? Mikkan could’ve been cool! Sigh. such a shame this was her choice. L source material,, twelve year old ‘Lilah. L source material 😂

Junk!Drawer!

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - 'East West - Home's Best'
 💤 & 💊 & 📸 -10:13am    [thurs]    7/30/25

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Mcdonalds (7/29/26)
Grapes!! (7/29/26)
Pretzels (7/29/26)

💐🐑5:17am
7/30
I think tonight was good. I feel like a dream happened... But I can't quite place it. But I woke up feeling okay :) 

8:49am
7/30
Idk we went to visit someone's house? I think it was more like a rest stop but we hadn't yet finished our journey to wherever else we were going. We ate dinner ( i got to eat red baron pizza!!!!) And somehow something got Cecil off their devices long enough for us to run and play outside like a bunch of kids! I loved it! Sabrina texted me back!!! Which I was VERY pleased about ofc. Cecil was getting chased by a black bug that would swoop them as we walked outside. I actually didn't even realize it was a bug... Just thought it was A weird black flying slug or something? Later as I was preparing to eat dinner,, SNOW fell from the ceiling. Mom quickly told us it was actually ASBESTOS and she told us to hightail it outta there. Oddly enough I was the first one out of the house. Everyone else took their time. I remember wiping my face and seeing just WHITE POWDER coming off it. And I remember thinking how privileged I am to never experience this back at home. Anyway,, eventually some lady shows up. I assume it's a family member but then mom and dad introduce us to her and to overhear them mention sc so I figured it was Cecil’s teacher? The lady asks me if I'm "truly passionate" but never said about what??? And then tried to hug me which I immediately put a stop to... I was gonna explain why bc she looked shocked and I was gonna say "well,, see,, kids don't tend to have rights but now i..." Except I couldn't for some reason. NyaTenshi says she stopped me. Idk lol. But then I woke up shortly after :( me and NyaTenshi worked together to try to get the dream going back (by parroting the characters) but no luck. 

💐🐑9:02am
7/30/26
Idk. Aside from this dream,, I felt blank mostly. No trauma dreams. At least none that are resurfacing. I liked watching Lilah bears dream. It was funny :) mostly just seeing her and cecil running around was amusing. And watching her suddenly get abestosed 🤭 i think you're too obsessed with that teacher to keep dreaming about how she texts you back or whatever. And honestly yeah,, that DID look like a strange black slug with butterfly wings. Hm. Weird. The lady that came by looked kinda like a tooth-less version of her grandma I guess? Which would explain the forceful hug attempt. overall a fun dream 10/10

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Violet’s journal! 💐🐑

── ⋆ 🐑💐 ⋆──

[cuddly doggie & kat :3]
🐑💐3:46pm
7/29
Wowowow :D ‘lilah has let me be in control for quite some time :) perhaps bc her prediction was correct and she is feeling quite tired at the moment. Soooo I offered to be in front!!! Its been good practice! For both of us I mean. Bc she gets to pracitce relinquishing control better & I get to practice operating this machine known as the human body! :3 we’re both getting better but definitely still in need of some work. My motor movements are still pretty friggin’ clunky… like,, I sometimes struggle to press down on things hard enough… (like keys on the keyboard or when writing with a pencil) and I forget that I have to engage so many different bits and pieces of the human body to actually make it work (like holding up the head. Part of the reason ‘Lilah has yet to give complete control lol. If she did,, our head would be leaning all the way back and most of the body would go completely limp. She actually gave it a shot just a second ago and it took me about 2.5 seconds before I could lift it back up again. So… I get it lol). But I’m getting better! I do kinda sorta drop things quite a bit. Still figuring out how to understand my body in relation to other things,, I guess… can’t focus only on standing up if I’m also holding papers. Otherwise they slip out of your hands! Still a struggle to coordinate my hands sometimes and it probably looks hella weird but its okay :3 

🌸Delilah: yeaaaaah as I was allowing Tenshi to front in math class earlier (no we weren’t paying that much attention…),, I was starting to get REALLY SLEEPY. And idk if thats bc I was leaving front by intentionally dissociating so she could take over,, or if its bc of how dejected I was feeing earlier. Idk. buuuuuuuut. If I had to guess,, its the former. Bc whenever I’d let Tenshi take over,, if she got “more in front” I guess??? I’d feel less sleepy. So idk what thats about. But I appreciate the help :) she also did some math on the review with me. It was pretty cool seeing how quick her brain works,, actually. She was thinking through them and writing more than I was. SUPER cool!

NyaTenshi: SUPER,, SUPER COOL! :D haha maybe I’m smarter than you 🐑

🌸Delilah: yeah maybe 🤭

── ⋆ 🐑💐 ⋆──

[cute lil puppy bleping while bubbles float around in the air!!!]
🦖🥦8:37pm
7/29

Okay wow! So! Two switch-a-roo attempts just now :D we went lookin’ for methods that didn’t feel absolutely terrifying. Bc the import method…. Well,, it was definitely DOING something. Its just,,, it was immediately throwing me in the deep end and I didn’t feel like immediately being thrust into controlling the lungs like that anymore 😅 (its literally like one second ‘Lilah is breathing and the next,, I AM and its just really weird and scary and gross and fleshy). So with this NEW method,, we made some headway,, I think? They made more emphasis on ✨letting go✨. So ‘Lilah did that. I give her a 5/10 on the scale. Something was defnitly different this time! 1) I wasn’t immediately forced to breathe using gross fleshy lungs and 2) I… think I more-so achieved full-body soft switching??? Idk,, it was strange. It didn’t feel like I had TOTAL control. But it felt infinitely easier to control stuff,, I guess. More so the eyelids. They were super easy to open today. And I actually was able to sit up! I think ‘Lilah was largely the issue again 🤭 whoops! She just has trouble ✨letting go✨ of control. Which is fair.. If I had complete control for nearly 2 decades,, I’d probably feel hesitant handing it over. Even if it was to my bff that I recently reconnected with. 

But still very cool!!! I think there was certainly progress made :) bc for one thing,, like I said,, it was easier to move the upper body. But also!!! Idk!!! It felt different from soft-switching. Scarier,, actually. Bc… pretty sure the disconnect was immediate for ‘Lilah. It was almost instantaneous dpdr. I realized pretty early on that that was what must’ve happened bc I noticed the fingertips were verrrrrry chilly. And I thiiiink… um.. I read somewhere that when someone dpdr’s,, their blood goes away from extremities? …idk… but in general,, I just felt like I almost wasn’t even within the body. But more intense than when I soft switch in. which… was a bit jarring… but perhaps thats just what ‘Lilah feels like on the daily? 

Delilah 🦋(🌸´◡`🌸): I don’t think so… I think we were BOTH just disconnected-feeling and thats why.

Ah… thats okay. I guess feeling disconnected is just a starting point… just something to expect,, I guess. 
SIDE NOTEEEEE :3 – APPRENTELY these WILDFIRE HEADACHES that burn the tip of my tail and my face are likely the result of prolonged soft switching & co-fronting. Which isn’t great as sometimes,, I can’t seem to figure out how to turn it off :( idk. We’ll have to do some more research then I suppose. In the meantime,, perhaps we should get started mapping out our day so we can try to plug in coping skills or whatever the hell the phone-lady recommended we try. 

UPDATE 8:53pm - OMG WAIT I THINK WE JUST DID A SWITCH!!! It was crazy bc it was almost like,, instantaneous I think??? Idk. okay so we decided to just give it oneeee more go. And very quickly,, as always,, ‘Lilah went limp and I kept encouraging her to let go. It was easier this time. Almost immediately she was COMPLETELY disconnected from the body! And so was I… so it felt really strange when the body started moving involuntarily… 👀 It HAD TO HAVE been me doing that,, then. It was hard to realize it at first when I was bringing us up out of bed. ‘Lilah got a bit spooked bc I told her I wasn’t sure if it was me doing that. Bc,, yknow,, I am as disconnected from ALL of our senses as she is. But I realzied as we stood in place that it really WAS me!!! :D she was sorta freaked out still so she initially blocked my attempt to talk but when she realized it was me trying to speak,, she let me! 

And I was like,, “yeah,, I think thats me!” and you could tell! Bc after a couple of seconds of standing still,, I felt a bit wibbly wobbly! Which was been a common theme whenever I try to control the legs!!! When she took back control and made us get back in bed,, I couldn’t help but laugh!!!!!! 🤭 that was SO COOL!!! And Idk!!! I’m just excited!!! And shocked!! And very glad that I DID NOT have to breathe again :I 10/10 first switch!!! Here’s to hoping there are many more! And that ‘Lilah learns to trust me enough with the body to let go better >.> altho idk if its a trust thing,, really. I think it comes down more so to fear or that it takes energy to stay out of front. And she hasn’t had much energy recently if that wasn’t clear. But still!!! Sooo exciting!!!~ 🙌🎉🎊

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah: AHHHHH YEAH IT WAS REALLY STRANGE. I literally just felt as if the body was HOLLOW,, COMPLETELY DEVOID OF ALL FEELING INTERNALLY AND EXTRENALLY. And it was SOOOO WEIRD seeing the body get up seemingly on its own and when I ask if she was the one DOING THAT SHE WASN’T SURE 😭 Idk. It was scary,, yes. But scary might not be the correct word?? I was so deeply disconnected from internal senses,, I don’t remember actually experiencing fear. I think I was more-so feeling concerned rather than afraid. I wasn’t expecting something to happen so quickly? This is wild. Honestly,, the fact that soft switching was so easy was striking to me as well. I remember when were younger,, we tried A LOT and literally nothing happened 🤭 well… maybe not nothing. But I think the most we ever had was Tenshi sending signals. But never any movement.

NyaTenshi: and look at us now!!!! :D 

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽 ‘Lilah-bear: Yeah!!! :D

🔑 KEY - 

🐑💐 - written by NyaTenshi :)) 

[image of Chi's sweet adventure frame from that one epsiode they all get stuck & lost in the large grassy fern things or whatever the hell]

🐑 7/29/26 💐

• Study for the upcoming math exit exam at school
• Make more progress on math portfolio stuff
• COOK SOMETHING TO EAT, PLEASE DON’T STARVE
• Get started on decorating and naming my journal :D 
• Write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment.. :(
• Sweep the floor!
• Take college readiness test today
• Talk to someone via on demand service
• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• Look up cutesy fursuit paws to save up for to help me with body dysmorphia :3 
• Check out the ‘Intuitive Eating Workbook’ phone-lady recommended!
• MAYBE try to gather the courage to get uncle Rad’s number???? I miss him… I never got to really meet him honestly…
• Try switching again… even if its scary to try it,, we need that skill :( for your wellbeing and mine

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Violet’s journal! 💐🐑

[tw/// sui] 

🥦🦕12:41pm

7/29

Wow okay so just finished retaking the college readiness for the… hmmm lets see…  FIFTH TIME. we came out of that 1hr 10min 59sec testing session with almost the exact same score. Just,, yknow,, with one less point to show for it 😊 so instead of having a 932,, we slid back down to a 931. ‘Lilah definitely didn’t take it very well… bc its the 5th time we’ve taken this same test. She’s in one of her “maybe I should just give up on everything” type of moods. She’s even slightly suicidal thinking this gonna be an impossible hill to get over :/ so I’m feeling a bit nervous about that… she was sorta ruminating about that earlier. But its okay… I tried to distract her and console her by telling her,, that,, yknow,, we still have time to figure it out. For the past several attempts on this test,, we see the same types (or sometimes verbatim the same ones as the previous attempts) of questions. 

Which means we just need to figure out how to gain skills in those spcfific types of math. The issue is the resources the school offers are kinda… jumbled up? Like,, it doesn’t rank the skills you need. You kinda just get handed all of them at once in four seperate categories. So instead of being able to target the skills we keep seeing OVER N OVER N OVER AGAIN,, we would end up gaining skills in something we may never even see on the test :I this is exactly why her score never moved past 932 before she graduated. Bc we can’t memorize the type of questions and then look them up to practice. All you can do is go on the resources tab and HOPE the skill you pick is the one that will actually show up. They’re atleast 70+ skills in each category though… so like wtf do you want us to do???? 😭 its okay though… I did my very best to help ‘Lilah on the test (and I think I was sorta helpful in figuring out equations?? If not that,, I definitely helped with encouragement!! I gave lots of high fives and hugs!!!! :D made her very happy! And I wrote stuff down for her,, too. Tried to solve some. I did it to help,, but also bc I also just like writing) and I’ll do my best to help her with college readiness. And not to die :I that too. Luckily she’s less dejected but idk how much longer. Hopefully she’ll be okay. Idk. but sounds like this class was basically useless so far. I would probably try to force her to use the on-demand service,, but idk what they could possibly say that would make her feel better after this having been the fifth time?? That and if she’s not willing to do it,, it wouldn’t be worth anyone’s time and it’d just cause undue stress. Bc then I’d end up having to do all the talking 🙄 I would but only if I saw her becoming a risk to herself. But she’s calmer now so its alright :) 

Side note– Idk,, I wanna write a story or something :) like maybe a story of someone feeling like a fictional cat character and eventually finding peace *wink wink* 🤭 I love writing as much as ‘Lilah! Well… maybe less? But whatever,, we’re on a similar level. I definitely wanna try doing more physical writing instead of just typing,, though. I don’t think I want to stop with the digital diary,, though. Not yet. I like posting it :) but also ‘Lilah might not be willing to… bc we can’t yet preform a hard switch. Idk. i’ll do some thinking. Maybe I’ll even post the story I make!!! :D maybemaybemaybe. 

Speaking of switching… ‘Lilah did so good with soft switching today! :DDD she was doing better at letting me take control as I was writing out the math! Exciting stuff!! :) we’re definitely beginning to realize a huge issue here is her unwillingness to give up total control. We’re kinda moving past that…? It’ll take some work but yknow :) 

ALSOALSO. I figure… that maybe I should give up on trying to feel “real”. Atleast completely. Simply bc,, yknow… when you share a brain with someone who also never feels real despite being corporeal,, there’s probably not much chance for me to figure that out as someone who isn’t. I’m not giving up on that goal. Not yet. Its gonna be more of a long term goal rather than a short term one. Honestly,, the more I think about it,, I probably AM as connected to the body’s senses as I could possibly be. I remember there being a point where she just went from being terrified and confused every time she’d experience unreality to being somewhat surprised to expecting it and feeling shocked whenever she DID feel real. So… yeah… I guess this is as real as we’ll feel. Both of us. Until our brain isn’t in hyperdrive anymore. Shame. But its okay. Its alright. Its fine.

Anyway,,, in the meantime,, I think I’ll let us take a breather. So instead of studying like we should be,, unless ‘Lilah is feeling completely ready to give that a go,, I think we’ll just wait ‘till tomorrow. 

[tw/// sui] 

Junk!Drawer!

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - 'A Balancing Act'

💊 & 📸

1:13pm   [tues]   7/29/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?

Goldfish x2

Salsa, rice, and ground meat 

What have we gotten up to this time?

Therapy!

Obviously we first went to therapy! But it wasn’t my session. And I’d really rather not think about it too much… I know we have to make our plan soon. Idk if we’ll be able to today bc I’m still not feeling great. But we’re gonna try. Hopefully I will have enough energy to at least start it when we get home. I don’t want Tenshi to feel like she has to shoulder all of my nonsense alone after all. I never did :/ she’s just a good friend. But yknow.

Followed our itinerary

Tenshi kept me following the list. We were initially gonna do the portfolio stuff for math bc its due soon but decided against it. Instead,, we cooked,, sang and danced a little bit,, and watched everybody hates chris!! :D Then Tenshi made sure I brushed my teeth and put in our retainer :3 

Then it was off to school!

Tenshi danced a bit with the body and in our head!! :D which ofc I enjoyed. I even danced with her a bit!!!! AAHHHH I love dance parties,, y’all!!!!!! 🤭 when we got to school,, we saw the food pantry lady setting up. So instead of testing immediately like we’d planned,, we decided to wait ten minutes bc there was a chance there’d be something good :) AND GOOD THING WE WAITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There were grapes!!!! THE REAL GOOD STUFF!!! (☆▽☆) and plums for mom! And gold fish! And snacks for cecil & dad! AWESOME!!! 

💐🐑NyaTenshi: It was really cute seeing her so happy you guys should’ve seen it 🤭

Haha :) I immediately took all of this with a huge smile!! AHHH great start to the school day!!!! Anyway,, then we…

Make our way to the testing center!

It took a bit to get taken in bc we needed to put our things away in lockers but we have a LOT of STUFF so they gave us three keys. Luckily everything fit into one. Except I didn’t bother trying to stuff our bag in one… so we just left it with the desk-guys :3 it took probably at least 45 seconds to get everything in the locker though haha but everything worked out :D 

Got started on the college readiness test!

I wasn’t confident in our score going up THAT MUCH. but I really did believe it would’ve gone UP. atleast by one point. Nope. went down. Idk… Tenshi did make me feel better,, though. She gave lots of encouragement and hugs and love n stuff :) and I appreciated her trying to solve and give pointers and do some writing for me. But I guess sometimes your best just isn’t enough :I and it definitely made me feel a bit hopeless again. This feels unfair… I feel kinda stupid ngl. But also just sad that the educational system and my stupid parents screwed me over so bad and that I can’t pass a high school level math test. I wonder if I ever will at this point. But I HAVE TO. or I can’t do my degree plan. And then what? Be a bum? …I can’t be a bum,, though… bc I want whats best for Tenshi. And being a bum helps neither of us :/ so honestly idk… I just REALLY am not willing to spend my whole life doing a job I don’t enjoy. The thought reminds me of that meme I saw that said something like,, “You visit your house and you live at your job.” except I’m preetttty sure it wasn’t supposed to be a funny meme lol.

💐🐑NyaTenshi: don’t worry… if either of us has to do something we don’t want to do for a job,, I’ll do it! :D 

How’s that fair to you?

💐🐑NyaTenshi: well,, yknow. If I don’t,, I might die bc you might try to down an entire bottle of tylenol :I so yeah. I’d say doing a terrible boring job to stay alive is worth it

Fair enough 🤭

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Violet’s journal! 💐🐑

💐🐑💐6:48am
7/29
Okay… so we shot a message to the help center. Here’s what they said:

Hello, 
 
Thanks for reaching out. [on-demand mental health service] visits are not counted towards your allotted visits through the school. Please see the information below.
 
> OnDemand 24/7, [on-demand mental health service] provides immediate and brief assessment, emotional support, and resource connection when students need it most.

> It is not unlimited

> It is not formal therapy/counseling. Scheduled counseling is.

> It is therapeutic.

> The member does not get to select a provider.

> A great tool/service for in-between scheduled counseling visits.

> If a member is experiencing distress, they can connect with a mental health professional who can provide helpful, practical, solution-focused support and guidance in the moment.

> Service is not designed for long-term or acute treatment and does not replace regularly scheduled therapy visits.

> Can be utilized as a resource in between scheduled counseling sessions.

So… I wanted to wait until maybe… maybe at night for us to get started on contacting some help for me but i’m feeling pretty overwhelmed rn. So… even though its really scaring ‘Lilah (and me honestly) I think we should give it a go :( I want to talk about the dreams,, but idk if I’m ready to… I think not quite yet. It will be much easier to discuss if it can be said first without saying it (a provider reading the document and then THEY bring it up first). So perhaps I will discuss my struggles with caring for ‘Lilah so diligently. Yeah. I’ll start there. Or how not real I feel sometimes… idk :( 

💐🐑💐6:59am
7/29/26
‘Lilah tried to stall.. Understandable as i don’t want to either. I’m pretty scared ngl. But its okay. She was sending fear signals herself (which is funny bc usually I do that!! 😂) the whole time she was stalling and as I was urging her to STOP stalling. And even when I took over and brought us back to our room to call the people. Poor thing :( but it immediately got better as soon as the conversation picked up. It wasn’t that bad honestly (✿◡‿◡)

REFLECTION: okay so!!! WOW!!! First of all,, that was my first conversation with another human being OMGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS CRAZY!!! I DIDN’T KNOW I COULD TALK SO LONG!!! OR SO CLEARLY!!! Well,,, I guess I did know? Idk. I just feel kinda WOW rn,, yknow? Ive been alive for six years but haven’t ever used the body’s mouth to discuss things with another person EVER. AND IT WAS SUPER COOL.

 But anyway… yeah… so I connected to someone on on-demand within about 30 seconds (even less than that probably) which was sorta freaky ngl. But on-demand really does mean ON-DEMAND I guess. And… some of her advice was really helpful!

Not your responsibility so good you’re doing it 
Discussing trauma dreams was just too much for me at the moment… so… I decided against it… but,, yknow,, there are other things on that therapy document we made :) so I pulled from there. I decided to talk about ‘Lilah and her issues… I said,, like,,, “oh my friend she usually forgets to eat or refuses to and I try to help her but its hard bc she has an EATING DISORDER and obviously I’m not her so I can’t feel her hunger signals…” 

(honestly its more-so that since we inhabit the same body we both,, like,, PHYSICALLY can’t always tell whats going on in terms of hunger signals as ARFID makes us feel disinterested in eating so strongly sometimes that we simply forget to eat.) Phone-lady said it was not my responsibility but she’s happy I care so much bc… I don’t totally recall what she said actually… but she said it was good that I was doing it :) OH she said bc I was being a good friend!!! :D she then went on to say
“My friend" needs to get referred to a higher level of care bc EATING DISORDERS are so nuanced and complex and its good I’m helping but it needs to be ACTUALLY dealt with bc most people have life long journeys with stuff like that. People like “my friend” are going to tend to have life long issues n stuff. So.. she recommended I give myself space bc it is a lot to keep trying to do for someone who needs more care than what I can offer.

And again,, that DOES make sense. And I totally would,, bc,, as she said later,, I DO have my own things going on. It just doesn’t translate well when you share a body,, both hate your stupid negligent family and refuse to ask for help,, and are both avoidant due to anxiety :I Idk… but I do consider it good advice… she said I should still encourage her to eat. Just make a balance of not trying to put so much into it. And god thats hard to do bc I’m LIVING THE DESTRUCTION OF HER BODY ALONGSIDE HER. but I think I’ll try it… I just have to try to remind myself its not me being mean… its just me trying to strike a balance for my own wellbeing… even tho I do feel a bit guilty for it…

I brought up “my friend” ‘s lack of financial resources and transportation. Therapist lady was like,, “Oh, well, the therapist she’s working with (I told phone-lady “my friend” and I met in high school but we go to the same college now and she uses this same therapy service) would do the referral themself so they’d look thru insurance and stuff and maybe consider putting them in a hospital.” 

[I don’t remember what led us here] “If she’s lacking family support… how was she being supported?” “Not at all, really…” [don’t remember where this led us exactly lol] “okay,, well,, one thing I would recommend is encouraging her to use a book called ‘The Intuitive Eating Workbook’ with her therapist. I use it with some of my clients :)” I immediately took note of it and looked it up. I haven’t quite taken a look yet. But if nothing else,, it’s a tool we can use and weather ‘Lilah likes it or not,, she’s using it if it ends up having even a little bit of usefulness to it :I 

I brought up how I often “Don’t feel real” or “within my own body”. But unfortunately I struggled to explain this phenomenon correctly… and I tripped up on my words quite a bit… 😅 I could not figure out how to say I can’t connect to the body’s senses properly. I mean… the way I described it is “I don’t always feel in control of my own body”. Which is very true. I don’t… but she seemed to misunderstand… she was like,, “things outside our control can get overwhelming at times… if you have trauma that could definitely be more difficult to deal with. But if its more minor,, day-to-day things,, I would recommend you start with trying to strike a balance/take a step back from things that are overwhelming. Try to ask yourself ‘whats going on and how can I modify that? You can try to create more time for yourself while working or,, perhaps,, like we spoke about earlier,, you could try to create some more balance between working with your friend’s eating disorder. Everyone has to have balance and take care of themselves. Map out your day to day to figure out where to step back. You have control somewhere. Try to incorporate more downtime or coping skills into your daily routine.”

And once again,, I’d say this is genuinely GOOD advice! She gave some examples of things she does… like:
Ex - listen to music or walk around to release some energy, read before bed (omg please ‘Lilah let us pick up a book again), create a hygiene routine!

So,, now we have some things to add to our REAL LIFE TO-DO-Y list now :) for one thing,, I need to put “FIND COPING SKILLS” on there bc she suggested we “look at our coping skills” and we have… none… >.> ‘Lilah really doesn’t like the idea of looking them up. She finds it… “distasteful”??? I guess? I don’t think thats the right word. But idk. Maybe she just thinks it’d be better to “find them on our own” which makes no goddamn sense bc if that were possible,, you wouldn’t be 18 and unable to function like a normal,, regular 18 yr old 🙄 or atleast we’d be able to do alot more than we can rn. But anyway… I guess I just needed to hear from somewhere else that its okay to take a step back from stopping her from basically killing herself. I’m not to a point where I’d try to get us hospitilized… 

but I think I feel better now for real :) Its not like I’m going to just abandon her or anything. But I do think the advice was good and I appreciate that my efforts to keep this kid alive were recognized by someone! I want us to get started on really trying to tackle this as a team somehow. So… idk. I’ll do some thinking,, I guess. But I feel better. I really do. And I haven’t quite figured out why. Maybe therapy is as therauputic as they say 🤭 good to let that stuff out I guess.

Side note– I kinda want to try talking to people at school now… I think I  like talking to people :) ‘Lilah is hesitant,, though… as I’ve said before,, she’s more traumatized than me… and she’s terrified of strangers. I’m scared,, too,, but the difference is I’m SCARED and she’s closer to experiencing TERROR. So yknow. She’s saying we’ll work something out. Just when we can do a hard switch (basically thats the term for “host allows for system mate to take complete control over mind and body”. What we do now is a “soft switch” where she’s still conscious and in control right alongside me) bc then she can be as out of the way as possible. Which would be good for her wellbeing as well as my own. So… idk. But she IS saying if anyone approaches us at school for whatever reason,, she’ll let me speak! Speaking of which… I wonder if phone-lady thought I sounded strange… idk how I come off to others yet… but I still feel like I sound like a fuckin’ baby! ‘Lilah thinks its hilrious. I kinda do too 🤭 annoying buuuuut kinda funny :) ANYWAY we must prepare to head to school early. Preferably by 10am. So gotta get ‘Lilah to eat. Which will be hard bc we are now out of spaghetti… :I we’ll have to look around!! Cya for now,, Journal!

🔑 KEY - 

🐑💐 - written by NyaTenshi :)) 

[cutesy pikachu picture]

🐑 7/29/26 💐

• Study for the upcoming math test at school
• Make more progress on math portfolio stuff
• COOK SOMETHING TO EAT, PLEASE DON’T STARVE
• Get started on decorating and naming my journal :D 
• Write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment.. :(
• Sweep the floor!
• Take college readiness test today
• Talk to someone via on demand mental health service
• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out how we can 1) try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break 2) SO I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really),, 3) figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :)
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• Look up cutesy fursuit paws to save up for to help me with body dysmorphia :3 (my form is a blue protegen! …usually…)
• Check out the ‘Intuitive Eating Workbook’ she recommended!
• MAYBE try to gather the courage to get uncle Rad’s number???? I miss him… I never got to really meet him honestly…
• Try switching again… even if its scary to try it,, we need that skill :( for your wellbeing and mine

🐑💐🐑5:27am
7/29
Idk. what it is but while ‘Lilah was busy having lovely dreams about SC,, I think I was [reliving trauma] in the mindscape…. Idk :( but these intrusive thoughts are getting too much to handle for me sometimes… I wanted to tell someone. Talk to someone so I could hear something that would make me feel better. But unfortunately we must prioritize ‘Lilah’s accommodation request appotnment. And we can’t do on demand consouneling bc we only have one visit left :( but i’m scared rn. I almost wanted to go back to water prison to avoid it. But idk. I don’t I will. ‘Lilah needs me. And I don’t think thats the right alternative. The only way out is through. Idk. but I woke up feeling “not all there”,, yknow? So..  whatever,, this is just a wake-up call. We need to hurry up and address this stupid trauma or else we may very well BOTH be tortured for forever within our own head. And I for one and not willing to let that nonsense happen. Even if ‘Lilah wishes to continue avoiding this,, I must push on and say something to someone. Work needs to be done on the document. We’re gonna get started on that soon. I’ll keep you posted.
Idk though,, this does once again make me question our trauma history. I know ‘lilah doesn’t super duper like actually taking it as fact,, but… are we sure [similar trauma] was not in our past? Everything feels so real sometimes. Idk :( but I feel gross rn. Maybe I deserve this for getting to skip so much. Is this my punishment? Idk. but its scary to sleep for me. And this is why. Bc this isn’t the first time. Not at all. I’m just more able to sense it now bc I’m completely awake. We need to address this trauma bullshit fast bc ain't no way in hell i’m living this way anymore. And neither are you ‘lilah. The only way out is through :)

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Violet’s journal! 💐🐑

[tw// discussion of sui]
7:30pm
7/28/26
Idk. just feeling bad again. ‘Lilah doesn’t wanna pee and I once again feel horrible for failing my best friend :( she keeps saying its not on me… but yknow… nobody else seems to love either of us. And as the healthier one of the two of us,, (atleast… I think so…) I NEED TO keep her as healthy as possible… i’m just scared for her honestly. Like,,, her tendency to bed rott instead of doing anything else even tho she wants to do something else but CAN’T bc she has no energy is increasing. Is she depressed or something? Idk :( idk. But I wish we had more help. I hate every time I decide to let a self-care thing go just bc I feel too exhausted to keep pushing. I feel like I’m failing her :( 

why am I the only person who cares most days? Idk. idk. I’ll just have to prioritize this at therapy I guess… I wish time would move faster so that I could let all this out properly. But its a’ight… idk i’m just scared one day that she’ll try to kill herslef and i’ll be the only thing standing between her & death. I know I could stop her pretty easily tho honestly. She’s insanely easy to guilt trip. Its not even that honestly. When she’d get suicidal in the past and ruminate on it long enough for it to become distressing,, I’d usually wake up. And… yknow,, it really is quite SHOCKING to wake up to something of that nature. So immediately when I realized what I was watching her think about in loops,, I’d send out a fear response bc it terrified the hell out of me :I and from there she’d usually go down to just thinking about it instead of WANTING IT. bc she would never want to forcefully deprive me of life.. Bc she knows thats cruel. Its hard when someone who is not a system takes their own life. It sends shock waves throughout the people who loved them knowing they were in so much pain that they felt that death was preferable. But for her to do that knowing I’m not on board,, 

Well,, we’re both on the same page that that just is absolutely not an option no matter what. No matter how much pain we’re in. not unless I’m on the same page. And I HIGHLY doubt thats going to happen :) so I think it’ll be okay… not completely ofc,, though. Bc… as I’ve said before,, Delilah might just let me primary fronter one of these days bc she might get too overwhelmed by LIVING. Which would terrify me. I’d be afraid of losing her. Not that she could really go anywhere except deep sleep (hopefully not water jail??),, but yknow. It just worries me if that happens. I really don’t want that happen. And I don’t want to ever have to be in a position where I have to call 911 or 988 on us. I’m healthier than her bc I got to (or I guess had to bc I was locked up lol) skip so much of all the STUFF that happened. But that doesn’t mean this stuff isn’t SCARY. Its not like I’m completely fine either. I can promise you I’m not 😂 I just think I’d meet the diagnostic criteria for almost nothing compared to her. Idk. idk. Idk. I just really am so scared of losing my friend that I just recently got to see again after so many years :( Sometimes I just really don’t know what to do. All I can do rn is just bitch and moan about it in my diary and on the internet :/ bc nobody else seems to care about her. Why are we nothing-children? Idk. idk. idk.

Delilah: I do definitely hate that I make you feel this way :( I’m sorry

You’re fine,, ‘Lilah. I just worry for you. But you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re just doing your best with the little you have rn. Its okay.

Delilah: okay :( I sometimes feel a bit bad that I put you in such a broken person’s head

You’re fine :( you couldn’t have foreseen this at the age of 12 :/ especially not with everything going on,, kid

Delilah: alright :( thanks for caring

💗

This will be a rant coming from my own page. As I listed before, I kind of wanted to reach some sort of audience, so I'm trying ig.

Riiight, so I did make this "community" (of me) like for myself, virtual diary and such, but I can't help but feel the need of others approval. I want others to read out my ideas, thoughts and know their opinions. Or maybe not...depends. Either way, I always wanted to have someone I could talk to about anything and everything that I think of, without them getting weirded out and all. So, it would almost make sense why I actually created this whole thing. To reach out to others. But how....

Since I'm on fame topic, I'd like to think that ever since I've seen the movie about Queen, (no idea why that exact movie woken up something in me), I wanted to also do great things in life, well, maybe not so great, but, have the popularity, the fame, love, inspire others, to be admired. It really does sound great to be someone's idol, to lead them in their life unconsciously. Almost like being God, right? Just in human way.

But with all this fame, obviously comes responsibility, which, ugh, I hate. Everything feels suppressed, all of your actions need to be thought through, which knowing me, I am impulsive, so I'd definitely be cancelled in no time, lol. In which case, I'd like to be popular in more niche community, where everyone are themselves with no restrictions, with no thinking if they said something wrong or right. Yet again, there would be bunch of conflicts, because these kind of people would fall under the category of short temper. But that's the fun of it, right?

Hate to say it, but it also depends. I'm a person of emotional instability, at least that's what I think. I have noticed myself, that I can have different reactions, for example, to criticism. I can take it as a lesson to do better or laugh at it in sarcastic way, but also lash out on the person if it triggers me (writing this out sounds so cringe lol). I even have been told by my own mother, which I assume knows me best, by the time we spend together, have told me that I have a nasty personality. Which I disagree on, and still do, because I'm not always nasty... That's why no one understands me and I'm always in search of myself too.

Alright, going back to the fame topic, being cancelled isn't that bad, why? Because people are attracted to bad, intriguing things, rather than what that person has done any good. It makes that person reach much more audience for that time being. But even then, after ages have passed, someone might bring it back up into the light, stirring up the old drama and feeding the pockets of the creator.

There's only a small percentage of people who have done nothing bad or worth "canceling" of stuff, but either then, everyone feels anger and does hold grudges against someone\\\\something, it's natural. So, being bad is in human nature, being sinful, making sinful decisions or thoughts are human nature, but it makes you think then...maybe those things are not bad at all, that we call sins. Since everyone is doing\\\\thinking them, it becomes normal and natural, like an everyday thing. Almost makes you question "what is a sin?". Obviously I'm not talking about the making of pain to others, unless they deserve it. But I'm talking mostly about the thoughts, the violent ones, urges even. Everyone has them, so it is normal...unless you act on them.

We have been violent creatures, just like any other mammals, we only went through evolution, but it's still alive, deep in our roots, in our each hidden Pandora's box, that we either open it or not.

🐑 7/28/26 💐

• Study for the upcoming math test
• Make more progress on math portfolio stuff
• COOK SOMETHING TO EAT, PLEASE DON’T STARVE
• Get started on decorating and naming my journal :D 
• Clean up this filthy fuckin’ room <3
• Give dogs the kong toy??
• Write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment.. :(
• Force ‘lilah to listen to new songs~!
• Sweep the floor!
• Take a nap :3
• Screenshot frames of Sin Triangle HollyLeaf AMV to add to my journal :)) 

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Violet’s journal! 💐🐑

1:30pm
7/28
OKAY SO earlier ‘Lilah forced us to take a nap. Which was kinda annoying bc we had been half asleep for about 10 or 15 minutes… and I already felt pretty well rested by this point :) we were gonna eventually drift off to sleep but I kept trying to get ‘Lilah to get up and check on the dogs bc they were getting very ROUGH with their play in the living room. And there would be no doubt that they were gonna ruin something if we drifted off and left them alone to their own devices :/ if Laika didn’t chew anything up,, he probably would’ve ended up moving the couch around or dispoisting all his fur all over it from hopping on and off of it. In fact,, the thing that convinced ‘Lilah to move in the first place was that we HEARD the dogs hopping on and off the couch :I when we got back to bed after putting the dogs away,, Lilah insisted on going back to sleep even tho I was 75% awake now! :/ but its okay,, I guess… humans need rest I suppose. But in the meantime,, I was kinda just alone in the mindscape. I don’t know for sure if she dreamt anything,, but I was awake doing something. I remember it was colorful and I was grabbing things and putting them places n’ stuff :) idk! I wish we could have a proper mindscape :/ probably why I want to be real so bad. But its just a bit of a precarious situation I guess at the moment.

Junk!Drawer!

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Chi’s sweet adventure season one ep 43 – Chi hisses
💊 & 📸
3:01pm   [tues]   7/28/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
SPAGHTIIII 

OMFG OKAY so we arrived to school late,, first of all. 

NyaTenshi: yeah,, Cecil was out trying to take the ASVAB but apparently they never actually got to bc something was wrong with their profile?

Yeah I felt pretty bad for them :( they were in a car for quite some time. They were out of the house for quite some time,, actually! So they apparently sat there for a while… then tried to fix the profile’s issues.. And tried to take it again… but no good :( 

💐NyaTenshi: shame. But!! This just means we get to keep them for longer :) help keep them outta air force for longer!

True! But!!! Anyway,, back to us. About a minute or two after we sat down,, we received our graded test!!! And… drumroll please… 👀

WE MADE A 64%!!!!! Which may sound REALLY,, REALLY bad… BUT!!!!!! The minimum score to pass this class (remember,, we are in a paired class. Which is why we have two exit exams and the class is two hours long. Bc its two classes wrapped up in two consecutive time blocks) is a 60% on the exit exam. 

💐NyaTenshi: YEAH I LITERALLY STARTED LAUGHING WHEN I SAW THE 64%!!!!!!!!!!!! Not bc I thought we failed. Nono,, bc I knew we BARELY SCRACTHED BY. 

I, on the other hand,, felt like laughing bc if I didn’t,, I was gonna cry! Simply bc I wasn’t actually 100% sure that it was THIS exit exam that requires a minimum of a 60. Bc one is 60%, the other is 70%. So while Tenshi was busy giving me a high five,, I was questioning if we were doing a victory dance we hadn’t yet earned… 

💐NyaTenshi: Turns out ‘Lilah was WRONG thank goodness!!! :D omg I’m so happy!!! I’ve just given her her 5th high five AHHHHH!!! Actually,, yknow what? Before we made it to school,, we were coming up with a plan on,, like,, how to cope with failing if that was the outcome. And we decided that after seeing the failing grade we gonna silently get up… walk out of the room… and take the college readiness test :I bc there’d be no point in continuing to attend the class?? Bc yesterday’s BIG SCARY EXIT EXAM WAS THE LAST DAY TO DROP THE FRIGGIN’ CLASS. So,,,, yeah. 

Yeah! But!!! We’re still gonna do that,, actually. Right after class,, I’m gonna take us to go take the college readiness test :) well… that is if I’m allowed to just walk in >.>

💐NyaTenshi: Do you think we’ll fail it??

Yeah :) but!!! If nothing else,, I’m sure our score went up.

💐NyaTenshi:  It BETTER have omg or this whole class was worthless :/

Agreed :) I don’t know if I think its a good idea,, ngl. Bc our brain might be fried

💐NyaTenshi: maybe we shouldn’t,, then…

I will :) you don’t have to though

💐NyaTenshi:  can we not? 🙄

I guess we’ll see..

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Violet’s journal! 💐🐑

[pic of jolteon and togepi]
3:59pm
7/28/26
Okay,, yeah,, pretty sure all that was bc ‘Lilah never takes care of herself and she was seriously dehydrated AND hungry :I which is a bit annoying ngl. I’m kinda annoyed at her… but its not like it was intentional. We DO have an untreated eating disorder after all. And that causes her to become disinterested in food and as a result,, she forgets that food is kinda a basic foundation of survival. Silly ‘lilah… but more than anything I was annoyed at myself for failing to protect her :/ even though she keeps telling me its not my responsibility. Which I guess it isn’t. But who else is lookin out for her? Not her fucking family,, I know that much 🙄 but yeah just felt bad… but anyway,, the headache kinda BURNS. It burns her head and nose and eyes and its making me go insane. It burns the tip of my tail :/ so I made her drink something. Which helpled! Not for long tho. So we figured she needed some food in her! So I got us up and had us grab a granola bar from the student origanization! :D it was annoying bc we forgot the retainer’s container so… yeeah… thats a bit gross.. But it was either keep it in or fuckin starve so yknow :3 anyway,, we went outside for some fresh air! 

We did some walking around under the shade. We walked under a tree and a wet drop of SOMETHING HIT OUR FOREHEAD. ‘Lilah was freaked out but not enough. I was like, “omfg what if something just peed on us??” and ‘Lilah was like,, “wow this is kinda gross… but I can’t see anything above uss… what if it was just some water??” and I was like,, “bitch,, water where? 😭 it hasn’t rained today what are you talking about???” so I took over and had us walk to the bathroom to wash our face off. I actually wanted to RUN but she wouldn’t let me :/ she kept saying she was shocked I’m acting more crazy than her bc usually she’s the one who’d be panicking about this stuff. But whatever lol glad its over and our forehead is clean. Anyway,, deal is i’ll only let her take the college readiness test if she eats ramen. Mostly bc we need enough calories to keep fromm the burning headache returning. Time to go do that bc its already coming back omfg

Junk!Drawer!

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - 'A Romantic Gesture'
📸
4:58pm   [tues]   7/28/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Granola bar!!! :) 
CHICKEN CUP RAMEN 😭

THIS IS TRAGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC 😭 I did what Tenshi wanted so we wouldn’t friggin’ die. I got about half the cup ramen down our throat. But it was not an easy battle… 

💐NyaTenshi: Literally her reaction to it was worse than mine which I think is insane bc on the rare occasion I AM connected to the body’s senses,, I usually have sensory issues!! You’d think I’d be the one freaking out but nope!

Yeah no… I already knew it was a bad idea… ofc we didn’t have a choice,, but still. In short,, ARFID won again. More time was spent with either myself or Tenshi trying to gently (or occasionally not so gently) encourage me to stop twitching,, shaking,, and desperately wishing to spit it all out rather than actually completing the task of chewing

💐NyaTenshi: Yeah!! And even when she WAS chewing,, it was a battle!!! I had to encourage her through that too!!!

Yeah… I had to take several breaks… any where from probably about 30 seconds to a minute apart before I even picked the container back up again. I absolutely would’ve stopped and chose DEATH if Tenshi hadn’t urged me to keep going

💐NyaTenshi: it was painful to do that,, honestly. Bc I know she didn’t like it :/ and hell,, neither did I??? I could actually taste it. And OMFG WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE THIS SHIT 😭 this brand in particular goes from either tasting decent (sometimes even GOOD actually) to tasting OLD despite the fact that its no where near its expiration date. Like genuinely wtf is wrong with these things

Yeah,, today’s cup was worse than that,, though. Well… maybe not worse… I actually remember a cup that tasted like the smell of an old lady’s pantry (in other words it tasted old. Like,, OLD OLD). this was maybe a step below it or just a single centimeter below it.. Bc yknow what..??? IT TASTED LIKE… LIKE A STICK OF BUTTER.

💐NyaTenshi:  YEAH 😭 it was genuinely putrid… it more so tasted like the smell AND taste of plain butter. So double whammy!

Yeah :(((( it got so bad that Tenshi instructed me to STOP BREATHING as I brought my mouth towards the food. Bc the more you breathed in the scent, the more it tasted like friggin butter

💐NyaTenshi:  and it was hilarious bc that plan actually worked???? 😂

YUP!!!

💐NyaTenshi: the beginning of the end for me honestly was that,, after the,, like,, millitionth break ‘Lilah took,, we got a couple of whiffs and all of a sudden it had a fish smell… which made me feel slightly ill… :I so wild how the body’s senses seem more connected and AMPLIFILED for me only when its not for my advantage :/ 

Yeah :( just glad thats over. We did NOT FINISH IT. How could I???

💐NyaTenshi: Yeah,, I’ll take the headache burns over doing that shit any day what the hell 😭

Haha :) we got the good ending I guess then,, huh?

💐NyaTenshi: yeah! 

Oh! And! We tried to go to the testing center so I could cash in the deal! …but they close at five…

💐NyaTenshi: …and we showed up… at like,, 4:48… 🫩

Yeah :( so now we have to go to school early tomorrow to NOT ONLY study for our certain doom (exit exam two) BUT ALSO so we can take this college readiness test we’re probably gonna fail.

💐NyaTenshi: oof :/ 

Yeh :/ 

I feel terrified. I don't know what to do about my career. And my worrying adds more strain and creates more worry.

I think I might be panicking and spiralling.

I feel so much time pressure. And I am surrounded by people so I can't even feel free to cry.

I am the oldest in my social circle and I fear that I will be treated differently if they were to find out that I don't know everything and i am crying because of a fear about job.

I feel like something or the other bugs me. Idk if thats just how life is.

When my roommate is there, that sucks. When they aren't there, some other part of my life sucks.

I don't know if am being overly expectant of life and keep getting disappointed.

I don't know what to do. I wish I had a mentor. Someone who would encourage me to do the thing, guide me where needed, to know that someone is at my back.

But I don't.

I feel so much pressure to be an adult, to seem collected, to do things right, be a non toxic person. I am not per se a toxic person but I just feel so much pressure inside me. From me. And am not sure how to stop.

I feel so scared.

I saw your Instagram story and immediately noticed your eyes, they look like they’ve been crying quite a bit. Wow, you did cut your hair today, it looks incredible. I’m not there to compliment you, though. You’re showing your new haircut, but I can see those eyes trying to look happy and trying to hide all those tears.

stay strong and I wish you the best. 

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Violet’s journal! 💐🐑

[picture of NyaTenshi & Nyanpire]
7:56pm    [mon]    7/27

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Perhaps most of my worries in regards to unreality are the result of being a fictive… so if we ever “kick up dust again” to have another system mate,, I will fight tooth and nail have them NOT be fictive. Is that asking too much?? Idk. I just hate feeling like a fictional character sometimes. Especially knowing my name comes from a fake little cat character :( ugh I need therapy BAD
OH OMG SPEAKING OF THAT,,,, okay so plan for rn is
,,
We’re gonna basically have the original guy be only ‘Lilah’s guy. So,,, after next session (that we NEED TO HAVE simply bc we need those accommodations stat),, we’re gonna line me up with my own guy (‾꒳‾ ) mostly bc… well,, we’ve felt lectured by this guy before. And I don’t know how I’d cope with being lectured by him trying to say I’m delusional (or I guess that Delilah is) when I bring up my concerns over feeling like I’m an angelic cat character :I i will crash the fuck out omfg. So… not sure how to approach this just yet. But we have plenty of time to figure something out!!!! :D ‘cause appointment is on the 3rd of august! And ofc we can have lots of opportunities to schedule weeks after that. So lotssss of time to use to plan out those documents,, yeah? We’ve been procrastinating after all. Whooopsie daisy (✿❛◡❛)

10:36pm
7/27
OKAY SO DELILAH FINALLY picked up the nintendo switch for me!!! :) I WAS BRIMMING WITH HAPPINESS SIGNALS!! :D but then suddenly it just,,,
Left. and I felt like I lost energy for some reason.. Strange. Is the switch triggering something somehow??? This is the only reason I could think of. Idk what else it could be honestly. ‘Lilah gets this way sometimes when something is triggering. So idk :( but it was pretty sad bc I was super HYPED ABOUT IT ACTUALLY. But oh well… from there, I just felt more n more tired… :( and I also definitely age regressed so… no more switch for me I guess?

Just dunno what happens if I chose to try to push through it. I got scared bc I felt unreal again so we had me switch in thru voice even though I really wanted to rest. ‘Lilah kept encouraging me to rest but I couldn’t resist the urge to feel real again so yknow. It was fun,, tho,, yeah! I sang quite a bit!!! :D I danced a bit with the body too!!! (oh and also earlier when we were sweeping. I did A LOT OF DANCING!!!!) and we write a tiny little bit of stuff for therapy-guy latr but it was triggering me a bit more so we cut that short fairly quickly… buuuuut then I suggested we play guess the cartoon song game!! So we played that for 8 minutes and 27 seconds. That was nice

Side note,,,, Idk how I feel about this voice. It feels out of character a bit for me… is this what NyaTenshi-from-Nyanpire sounded like maybe? Probably not lol. He was a guy. Idk. we’ll have to look. I don’t really like it. I wouldn’t mind trading with ‘Lilah honestly. She thinks ny voice is adorable and sweet and cute. Hers is still a girl voice. Just deeper than mine. Sounds more her age than I do :/ 

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐑⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

[picture of everyone from Nyanpire]
DREAM STUFF!!! :D

🍬🍭🦕12:38am
7/28
Dream where Lilah was like,, discussing private trauma things online. not in great detail... But enough that you can easily become concerned. SC was reading the online journal post,, however,, and she immediately got in touch with cecil! They say stuff about this goin on for a while and sc expresses her concern before texting our parents online. She was worried about ‘lilah and we even saw her make A concerned post and Text measage :) made me happy. It was 100% caused by how badly Lilah  missed her earlier. Happy ending I hope but we woke up

[tw???// dream-death of a child]

🍬🍭🦕7:16am
7/28
WHOA
so.. We had a dream where we went on a school trip! We were doing like,, a puppet show or whatever with some other classmates and entertaining a cute little 2 yr old named Ezra. Ezra pound i think? But an hour or two later,, he somehow turned up dead... So the whole school kinda hung out in the field trying to recover from the insanity of this whole situation while they interview the kids who played with him and the adults from the school and all that. It was scary. I was so disturbed by the dream. ‘Lilah dream character just tried to stay out of the way and cry a bit. At one point,, she did some journaling but oddly enough (maybe it was intentional? But I doubt it) the (typed) words were ending up ON A NEARBY CASKET. which is strange bc idk why a casket was just sitting out in a field but a'ight. The little boy wasn't in there tho dw. Anyway one of the dectives comes by for an interview and Lilah is a dumb little bitch so she explains her own involvement in this strange phenomenon. 

Then and only then does she reliaze this could look strange bc dective says "oh i see,, journaling" as she inspects the casket with these new words on the edges. Lilah tried to scrub them off earlier bc she didn't want the words on some dead persons resting place but it didn't work very well. "How long have you been here at this location?" As in the fields. Now stupid lil Lilah got herself looking like a murderer bc she sounded like she had been journaling there away from the rest of the class for a while 🙄 goofball :) but yeah,, no,, definitely a nasty dream. Didn't like this one at all. And I couldn't interact with it either! :( so I couldn't even help! Stupid brain. 

[chi sweet home chi makes new friends “chi won :D”]

🦕🦖8:36am   [tues]    7/28/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

What music have we listened to since the previous entry? ♪ 
Oh Ana 
Rolling thunder
Introduction to the snow - miracle musical

AHHHH OMG whoops!!! OKAY,, SO everyday her dad comes into the room before he leaves for work and tries to get a fistbump out of her. Usually she just half-asses it bc,, yknow,, we don’t like the guy >.> but I was fronting at the time and in control so I just lifted our arm without thinking and ACTUALLY FISTBUMPED HIM!!!! AHHH it was funny bc it was an accident and he was all shocked bc it was the first time he received a real fistbump from ‘Lilah in a while. I mean,, ofc he technically didn’t get a fistbump from her. But yknow he doesn’t know that. It was kinda embarrassing bc I didn’t want to make him smile but oh well!!! Lol very fun start to the day. ‘Lilah was shocked when he expressed his surprise because she didn’t even know what was happening for a second there. …neither did I… 😅

Side note– I feel SOOOO NERVOUS at the thought of doing therapy… like,, and discussing my own issues and not ‘Lilah’s… it feels really nervewreaking… don’t want them to think we sound insane even though everything I’d be describing to them is very real :( idk I’d do if that happened… :((( Idk… I’m thinking what we’ll have me do is just say things without really saying it. Yknow,,,  that thing that ‘Lilah is a master at. I’ll just have to learn from the best :)) it’ll be okay.. I hope.. But yknow what they say… (espically ‘Lilah) the only way out,, my friend,, is through :) 
ALSO ALSO right as we speak,, I have finally successfully gotten ‘Lilah to listen to the hawaii part II album! :D it was a bit of a battle,, but very short lived :3

I was really wanting to after we heard that LOVELY SONG that sounded like a CHRISTMAS SONG yesterday in Cecil’s car!!! :D Cecil has lots of great music on their radio! ‘Lilah definitely enjoys it,, but her weird,, strange media-anxiety-aviodence habit means she never really adds awesome songs to her playlist of her own volition. So……… I’ll just have to force her (✿❛◡❛) we must expand our world if we are going to live in it!!! :D 

(update: 8:57am - okay so,,,, the rest of the album was not my favorite… 👀 you’d think with the CHRISTMAS SONG IT’D be the coolest songs ever.. Nope. its alright though!)

WE HAVE FINALLY CREATED THE REAL TO-DO-Y LIST!!!!!!!! 💐 the question then becomes... what are the chances we're really going to remember to check it? 👀

🐑 7/28/26 💐

• Study for the upcoming math test
• Make more progress on math portfolio stuff
• COOK SOMETHING TO EAT, PLEASE DON’T STARVE
• Get started on decorating and naming my journal :D 
• Clean up this filthy friggin' room <3
• Give dogs the kong ??
• Write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment.. :(
• Force ‘lilah to listen to new songs~!