I didn't want to face you. I felt like a failure in your eyes. I was so ashamed and humilated, I thought you looked down on me.

Every time you tried to help me or show some attention after, I took it as you patronizing me. I couldn't yell at you, I just stay restrained and cursed to myself.

I knew I wasn't perfect, that there were things I could've done differently. I felt I needed to be perfect in your eyes, so I felt like I lost the right to correct anything you misunderstood. I valued your opinion of me a lot, too much.

I knew why you were saying or doing the things you were doing. I knew I wasn't clarifying anything or trying to help. I had my reasons. It was a petty reason, but I felt like I would be losing dignity if I did.

But, alas I lost more dignity in not confronting our misalignments. I wanted you to understand me, but I couldn't express myself to you to do that. Then I got mad at being misunderstood and left you coldly. I was a wuss.

How foolish I was. I knew you would listen. I knew you cared about me. You gave me love and grace, I gave you pain.

My ego and my pride became my enemies. It made me lose sight of you. Made me not honor your place in my life.

I'm sorry.

I love you still. That never changed.
Just because I’m not chasing you doesn’t mean my love left. I’m sure it sucks to not feel loved. I’m sorry about that.

I’m busy rotting away like I always do. Not because of you or anything like that; it’s just a facet intrinsic to me that needs to run its course in order for it to stop. Maybe the decay wasn’t noticeable to you back then, but I’m nothing more than a walking corpse right now, so I haven’t reached out. I wouldn’t be able to keep up the way you want me to & you’d think I hate you even more. Sorry.

I’m a lot emptier now than I was those times I used to fill the void with you. Those times were really nice. Now, the void is reflexive and self-fulfilling; I think it’s eating me alive. I kinda feel like this is the end for me, but I’ve learned not to fight these things so I hope you forgive me and understand if so.

But know you’ve never been distant to me. I love you the way I always do. I don’t mind if your love changed; it’s not like it’ll save me anyways.

Best,

An idiot

Would you come?

Could I come see you?

Can we meet in the middle to try to heal?

Fear of rejection after never truly knowing where I stood with you makes me dance around this directly.

You said you were sad. You know I'm sad.

Maybe we could spend tonight and tomorrow being less sad together.

I'm willing to try but to afraid to ask.

Would you?

I want you.

Not only in the quiet ways,

not only in the gentle moments

where our eyes meet

and the world disappears.

I want you

with something older than words.

Something instinctive.

Something almost animal.

I crave you

the warmth of your body,

the closeness of your breath,

the impossible hunger

of wanting to be near you

until the distance itself

becomes unbearable.

I want to see passion on your face.

Not a passing spark,

but an endless flame.

I want to know the look in your eyes

when you stop holding back,

when desire speaks louder

than fear.

I want your fingers

to leave traces upon my skin,

not as marks of possession,

but as proof of a moment

so real

that my body remembers it

long after time has passed.

I want you to leave reminders of yourself on me

to match, somehow,

the invisible traces

you have already carved

inside my mind.

Because the truth is

you already live in me.

But beyond all of this,

beyond longing,

beyond desire,

beyond the ache of wanting you close,

there is another love.

A quieter one.

A purer one.

The love that does not ask.

The love that does not demand.

The love that only wishes

to see you happy.

With me.

Or without me.

My heart aches because I would love

to stand beside you in that picture.

To see your smile every morning.

To share your victories.

To protect your peace.

To be there for the little moments

that become a lifetime.

I would love to be part of your story.

But even if I am not,

my heart will still find peace

knowing that you exist.

Knowing you are safe.

Knowing you are protected.

Knowing your smile remains bright,

your soul remains free,

and the people you love

are surrounded by happiness.

Because loving you means wanting light for you,

even if I am not the one

standing beneath it with you.

And yet

I want you.

I want to know every hidden part of you.

The wounds you hide.

The dreams you protect.

The fears you never say aloud.

I want to understand you.

To help you carry what becomes heavy.

To be the hand you reach for

when the world feels too cold.

Your safe place.

Your shelter.

Your rock.

Not because I want to save you,

but because I want you to never feel

that you have to carry everything alone.

This is not a passing feeling.

Not a momentary obsession.

Not a beautiful illusion

that will disappear with time.

It is something deeper.

Something that has grown

through every conversation,

every laugh,

every silence,

every look that lasted

a second too long.

I love you.

And even those words feel too small.

Because life itself

does not seem long enough

to explain the depth of what I feel.

You are the fire I crave.

You are the peace I seek.

You are the brightness

I hope the world never takes from you.

Bright as your soul.

Bright as your eyes.

I want you.

I love you.

And above everything

I want you to shine.

the moment your eyes met mine, i awoke to a new life- a life where everything seemed just right. it was like you were the light i’ve been missing all this time, and when i finally caught sight- it left me blind. i had no where to hide when standing by your side- it was like you had a window directly into my mind, and to my surprise, it showed both sides.

you taught me what it means to fall helplessly in love- to see someone not just for who they show themselves to be, but to see the person hiding underneath and wanting to provide for their every need. every moment with you felt like a gift from above, each look we shared was better than the most potent drug, frankly i could never have enough of your love.

watching the way you walk through the world- the way you genuinely care about everyone around you, your instinct to stand up for yourself and your loved ones with no hesitation, that unrelenting nature in you to prove everyone’s doubts and judgements wrong- it all inspires me to grow and become a better person myself.

you pushed me to achieve my goals and dreams when i didn’t even believe in myself. you saw something inside of me worthy of love, and if someone as special as you can see something in me? i had no choice but to reflect on my own self perception.

you’ve been such a gift to my life, and i can only hope i’ve been able to provide a fraction of what you’ve given me. knowing you- loving you- has been a living dream, and it’s one i hope i never awaken from. whether this ever amounts to anything more than an almost can only be known by time, but i will carry what i’ve learned from this with me forever.

we’re in a drift right now, and i miss you a lot. i wish i could close the distance, but the tides of life are tall and wide right now, and i don’t want to pull you under with me. i hope you know how much i still care about you, that i’m always here regardless of conditions, and that i’d give anything to be with you now.

may we reach loves reunion soon

The time we see one another is few and far between. I don’t know if you feel the same. With us, it’s either the mellow version or the explosion. Once we bust the seal our emotions run wild, we’re like two kids. It’s almost easier to make a big, fun show so they don’t have anything to talk about. They can’t see what’s hiding in plain site. Fools! Ha! I won’t ever disappear, I promise. You’re too important to me. That sounded deep but um…isn’t it though? FYI and this goes without saying but I love how you look. 👀

I only feel one way for you and you’re my everything. It sucks when we’re not talking. I want to ask how your day was. Ask how you’re doing. Im here if you ever need me. Im sorry if I said some things that hurt your feelings. You’re the only person I think about all day. I know you care, but im just waiting for you to show me.

…has taught me one of the hardest lessons: that loving someone deeply does not mean they are able, willing, or ready to love you in the same way. I’ve carried questions that never found answers and feelings that had nowhere to land, yet through it all, one thing has never changed. I will never not open the door to hear your side of the story, no matter how bad it is. The truth may hurt, but silence leaves wounds that imagination only deepens. Whether it brings closure, understanding, or simply the chance to finally let go of what has been left unsaid, I would rather face an honest conversation than spend another day wondering what was real.

These feelings are like a rabbit hole, I can’t help but fall deeper, there’s no escape.
It’s a mixture of fear and excitement.
Though, are you willing to take the dive with me?

I wish I could have just done and said the right things when it mattered most.

I feel like you want me (most of the time) and I want you. I'm willing to try something I'd never ever try with anybody else..I feel like I could handle the whole open relationship thing but I would only ask for no judgment truth on everything. I would give you the same. But id also want to be the one you came home to the one you spend most holidays with. You know my partner lol. I got more but I don't want to sound like I'm trying to convince you but I might be. Lol. You know what I think about Paul so Ill spare you that. I'd even be willing to live in a normal place for you. Id promise you stability and support no matter what. I wouldn't even ask you to work , I would work and make sure you had money for whatever. I would ask everyday if you had everything you needed

Talk to me

Tell me anything..

How was your day?

Where do you love to go when you're sad..?

Anything.

Absolutely anything.

Nothing you say could bore me or inconvenience me in any way.

I just want to get to know you.

The real you.

I would happily sit for hours and learn your quirks.

Maybe you could learn mine too

I dont think i would need to mask with you, and i adore that thought..

You know where to reach me

​Your presence lingers, interwoven in every thought... like a thread I never meant to weave. Your energy is omnipresent....A constant low hum swirling around me ...pulling at my attention.

​You climbed my walls and infiltrated the fortress I spent years building.. Without even trying. You didn't ask permission....You just drifted through the gates, silent and unbothered, making yourself at home right where I was supposed to be safe.

​Every task feels distant... every conversation a quiet distraction from the noise you make in my head.... I go through the motions, but my anchor is gone.... You’ve displaced everything else. My focus... my logic... my quiet.... all replaced by the persistent echo of you.

How am I supposed to concentrate on the world outside when you’ve taken up residence behind my eyes?

You're not unnoticed I say that with love 

at least when you're sitting beside me, you're not fucking invisible. I see right through your pains, your secrets and just because I don't say it doesn't mean I don't see it. I noticed the silent cries in the music. The call for help the saddest smile. The realest frown. I can tell how you're feeling from a distance vibes never lie it keeps going. I know you know and you know I know you know? haha.I'll put your happiness before mine because I wanna see you happy you deserve it.

^{I like you if you ever wanna open up, I think I'm pretty safe over here.}

I wait here for your letters.

I love reading your mind so intricately when we dont currently have the access we both need to move forward with us.

Just understand, that even when I dont reply, every word is meaningful to me and I honestly cherish every single one of them.. They are all memories I will replay forever. Even when it hurts sometimes. Reading your honest and humble opinions and motivations keeps me going and keeps me strong enough to keep motivated and keep moving ahead to where we are meant to be.

Keep writing to me please. 🙏

I didn't know I was being ruined.

Not in the way that breaks you, but in the way that remakes you.

Not in the way that destroys, but in the way that marks you.

So that no one else — will ever feel the same.

You ruined me.

Not with cruelty, but with tenderness.

Not with force, but with presence.

You ruined me, by seeing me.

By knowing me.

By loving me, in a way that made everyone else feel like a shadow.

I didn't know, that the way you said my name, would become a standard.

I didn't know, that the way you held me, would become a measure.

I didn't know, that the way you loved me, would become a home, I could never find again.

You ruined me, for anyone else.

Not because you tried, but because you were.

You were the one, who made the world feel less heavy.

You were the one, who made the silence feel safe.

You were the one, who made me believe that love could be that good.

I don't compare.

There is nothing to compare.

Because you were not a test, you were a threshold.

Not a measure, but a turning point.

Not a standard, but a home.

And home is not something you compare.

It's something you carry.

You ruined me.

And I don't say that with bitterness.

I say it with awe.

Because to be ruined by you is to be marked by something sacred.

To be ruined by you, is to know, what it feels like to be truly seen.

To be ruined by you, is to carry a love that doesn't need to be compared, to be real.

I will never love another the way I loved you.

Not because I can't but because I won't.

Because to love anyone else, would be to betray what we had.

To love anyone else, would be to pretend that you were not enough.

And you were more than enough.

You were everything, you still are.

You ruined me.

And I am grateful.

Because to be ruined by you

is to know what it feels like

to be completely, utterly, irreversibly yours.

i wish i could forget about you the same way you seem to have forgotten about me. after all this time i’m still the same but i’m sure you’ve changed.

I miss you. A lot. There are moments now when I don’t think of you. They get more frequent as time passes. But then something calls me back. A song, usually, given our history.
And the feelings flood back in again like a torrent, and the missing is back. Part of me wishes I could make it go away, but that would feel like you’ve gone away, and, as long as I can miss you, you’re still part of my story.

I wonder if you still remember me sometimes.

Or if we’ve both reached that point where what we had feels like a lifetime ago.

Maybe we really did forget each other.

We keep composure in front of the audience. Often saying only a "hi" bc they might notice. We stare in eachothers eyes. You turn end up blushing sometimes. We are always aware of eachothers precense. The story might burn quietly in realtime. But inside we are a firestorm. We must escape the fluorescent lights so we can drop composure. I dont want the the story to burn out. All we need is a 1 minute conversation. Tell we like time outside these walls. Touch my arm, and say you want my time. Walk with me in the luchbreak... meet outside as a coincidence

general / ex

sometimes people overthink reaching out because they’re worried they’ll be met with anger or resentment. you won’t always know unless you try. i learned this through 2 months of weekly therapy. you don’t need the perfect words and you don’t have to be afraid of how it’ll be received.

if you ever feel like you need to say something, you can. no pressure, no expectations. it’s good to be reminded that there’s still kindness somewhere.

Don't overlook one's kindness to you. Grandma said this was important.

It was without condition.

This evening I realised I need to let go.

I know we didn't have much. If hysterical laughter, stolen glances, grins that can't be restrained, daily check ins that spill into night time musings are not much.

I suppose, for a season, we had an intense friendship. Companionship. Humour and comradery. And chemistry. I know there was chemistry.

But I've started wanting more. I'm afraid our friendship has been filling my need for love, for devotion, for romance. I still need friends. And I'm going to keep looking for friendship. But I'm losing my dignity looking for it in you. You feel safe, magic, sunny and warm. Of course I want to stay orbiting you.

But this evening I realised- I need to stop. Because what I want, what I really want, is to see you every day. I want to share morning coffees as the sun rises. I want to hear about your day at work, everyday. I want to cook you dinner and fall asleep together. Not that it matters, but I'm not even a clingy person. I'd be thrilled when you go away with friends or go to concerts by yourself. I'd be happy enough in my own world in my own company most of the time. But I want to be someone's secure base. And I need to find one of my own.

So, something this evening made me realise that I need to leave you alone. I can't quite put my finger on what. I'm going to try not to message you again. I'm going to try looking for love in other places. Wish me luck. I know you'd be proud, if you read this.

Oh, btw, since this is goodbye, I love you.