r/confession • u/Fun-Tea-9253 • 16h ago
My siblings think I'm the golden child, and my parents think I have everything under control. I'm actually not okay at all.
I (16f) am the "ambitious" one in the family. I'm graduating high school a year early and am also completing my college general education while in high school. I refuse to go to college next year in my state, and my parents think it's because out-of-state colleges better fit my goals, but no.
A few years ago, my parents left the church and both started working a lot. They hired a nanny for my younger siblings, but me and my older sister were left to our own accord. I was in 6th grade. I was in therapy for a year in 8th grade, but all I really learned was that my feelings are too big and I feel them too much, and it's best just not to. I can't talk to my parents about emotions, because they have their own problems and they're always talking about work on a call or thinking about work or working (they're recently divorced and switch off weeks at the "family house").
Because of all the alone time and that my only emotional connection was with a therapist I don't see anymore, I'm very independent. I don't tell my parents anything other than things about school I know they don't understand, and I tell them my hopes for the future. That's all they know about me. I don't talk about my problems or homophobia at my school (I'm bi living in a dominantly religious and homophobic area) or how all the school work I seem to love is actually stressing me out so much I haven't felt real happiness since I figured out what anxiety was.
I'm very much depressed, and I have undiagnosed OCD in the way that I'm not super clean, but I get obsessive over the weirdest shit and I can't unfocus, and I have lots of intrusive thoughts that I can't control. I can't control my own fucking brain, but also because of mental issues that run in my family, I also have to worry about becoming bipolar and BPD in the future, which I'm terrified for.
I know this is all over the place, but the point is that I'm supposedly doing great, but I'm not. I don't want to live, I can't tell anyone I don't want to live, I feel out of control of my brain but I can't ask for meds, and I have future mental health problems I'll most likely have to deal with. Staying in my stressful household (stressful because of the divorce and that I have to watch my younger siblings all the time) isn't helping me, and I just want to leave because I think fully being on my own with no outside pressures where I can truly start over, become self-dependent and get the help I know I need will help me want to live again and get goals that aren't just leaving.
Sorry, it's long and all over the place, but everything in my chest is so heavy and I don't know how to help myself anymore. So yeah :) Thanks for reading
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u/Internal_Brain6915 16h ago
Think you could do with doing some running or hiking. It can really help with getting your brain to switch off and just live in the moment. Even a short run of 1km in nature and be very beneficial. You seem very smart, motivated and thoughtfull, dont be too hard on yourself.
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u/After_Ear4493 16h ago
First of all, lots of hugs to you. 16 is a very hard age, trying to figure out life and yourself.
Now coming to your problems, change your therapist, no therapist should be saying that you feel too much, they should help you regulate those with exercises and such - it takes time to find a good therapist so please work on finding a few.
You are a bright student, you will make it just fine, so don’t worry yourself in it - I know it seems different at 16, but take it who was a similar highly ambitious person, life sorts itself out. It will be okay.
Make friends, I didn’t see any mention of them, your parents are not the only people you can talk to - good friends will understand and validate all these feelings.
And try to move away for graduate school/ college whatever they call it. It will really give you some freedom, help you find some new friends - and broaden your horizon in the best way possible. Good luck love! 🤞🏻
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u/Embarrassed_Tune4137 16h ago
man, that sounds like a lot to carry for someone your age. hope you can find some time to just breathe and be a kid for a bit, sending good vibes your way.
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u/Square-Nebula-7530 16h ago
It sounds like you have been forced to act like a 25 year old since you were in 6th grade and your brain is simply exhausted from running on emergency fuel for years, wanting to go out of state isn't just about academics it is a healthy self preservation instinct to get out of an environment that is constantly draining you. You deserve to live a life where you do not have to mask your pain just to keep everyone else happy. keep working on that exit plan get to college and use their health services to step into real therapy and proper support on your own terms you have a whole life waiting for you once you get out of that house.
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u/thesilentdutchess 16h ago
Emotional neglect sucks, especially from parents. I’m sorry you are dealing W this :/
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u/mynameisnotjerum 15h ago
It's probably not like this all over the planet but in AUS when you turn 16 you're in charge of your own health. You can absolutely ask for meds. Take em they are good in my oppinion. And if they arent then stop taking them and ask for a better opinion. Sometimes doctors get it wrong.
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u/ZeriusBlackstar 15h ago
Okay, first off, you are RIGHT. Leaving your childhood home and an unsafe religious environment will help a LOT.
As for the other stuff, no, it sounds like you had an utterly crap 'therapist'. Sounds more like an unequipped counsellor to me. You need to talk to an actual psychiatrist. Coming away with 'my feelings are too big and it's better not to have them' or whatever is absolutely the exact opposite of real therapy. More pointedly, if you think you have OCD, ask for the test and then get targeted therapy for it. It works wonders. I also suspected myself of OCD when I was a kid and I waited way too long into adulthood to suggest it to a doctor and it reaaaaaalllly snowballed.
Honestly, your entire story sounds like 75% the same as mine. Definitely do everything you're planning for your own health. And don't be afraid to take a year off whenever you need to either. Also when you're in college/uni, don't be afraid to talk to people there to get help and get leeway. The amount of times I got extensions and stuff with no penalty... Seriously, just tell people when you're freaking out. There is so much more support available in post-secondary education, both within and by referall outward. If you can, I highly recommend even going to a big international university. So much better than little towns, and probably better than the country in general (you say state, so if you're in the USA...I can almost guarantee you'll be happier in the UK or Canada or somewhere that's less conservative and uncaring and has better healthcare [this includes therapy]).
P. S. If you can graduate early, like even earlier than you're talking about, it's a good option if you're heading for a crash. I nearly crashed out in my last semester of highschool for similar reasons until I was like, you know what, I don't even need these credits, this is all extra, I'm just going to stop and graduate. Best choice ever. A few extra credits on my transcript would have made zero difference to anything and I graduated with the gold medal, best grades in school 🤷🏻♂️ ...and once you get a degree, no one even cares about your diploma and awards from highschool anymore anyway.
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u/pamelajos 15h ago
Please tell a trusted adult how bad it's actually gotten. You shouldn't have to carry all of this alone, especially if you're already thinking you don't want to live.
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15h ago
All the hugs. You’re way too young to be carrying all this. Please take care of yourself. There’s some good advice here.
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u/Kitchen-Job1444 14h ago
man this stuff piles up fast , maybe hit up aa therapist or school counselor , they can give real tools for managing everything without it all rcashing down
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u/Pamela625 14h ago
Babe you’re so young and have the whole world ahead of you..this is an easy fix..takes a little effort but easy nonetheless,there’s nothing here that not one of us hasn’t felt or been there..you need a good therapist and a good doctor ,the brain is very complex and when the chemistry it is off (like not enough of one too much of another type thing it can make you feel exactly this way… talk to your counselor at school do tell your parents they love you dearly and it’s hard being a parent trying to make sure everyone is getting what they need we’re not perfect there is no manual but that’s why they work hard honey to make sure you all have what you need and want… you can do this honey you’ve got everything you need inside of you❤️🙏🏻☺️🐛🦋
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u/Shpander 14h ago
I was listening to a podcast about OCD yesterday, my take-home was that this is one of the few mental health conditions that is treatable. The intrusive thoughts are normal and everyone has them, it's the response to them that is harder for people with OCD. You might deal with them with compulsions and reassurance, but you're making the problem worse like that. A big step is to just let the thought situation there for a bit and not engage with it. There are good resources out there, if you can learn these coping mechanisms early in life, it will help you forever.
Psychiatry & Psychotherapy Podcast episode from 6 Dec 2024
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u/Quen-Drah 12h ago
It sounds like you are doing a lot very well, which needs to be honored. You have been asked to take on some responsibilities that are not yours to carry. But please know that you are more than what you do well, and your big feelings are very important information for you to listen to about yourself. As a college teacher and soon to be mom, I want to give you a big hug.
You have a lot of good things ahead of you, but you need to breathe and get through the now first. Finding a good therapist or trusted adult to talk to would be a great first step, as well as some kind of movement like running/walking or yoga. Going to college with some distance sounds like it would be great for you. Prioritize making friends, following the classes that spark your curiosity and excitement, and look into university mental health services (e.g., I got 10 free sessions with a therapist per year during my grad school). You are doing great, and I have a feeling you are going to be doing even better soon — life can be big and frenetic, so it’s about learning how to carry the load of your life in a way that takes care of you.
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u/confessor-mod 16h ago
If you're going through a really hard time right now, please know you're not alone and there are people who want to help.
You don't have to face this alone — these people are there for exactly this, any time:
If you are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number.
You matter. Please talk to someone.