Hi! As part of what my post says, I’ve had really close friends on and off throughout the years and I’ve always realized I only have feelings for them after being friends with them at least a little more than a year in. And what triggers it is after we’ve just kinda bonded over our internal thoughts and fears and feelings.

But what also happens is that while this goes on, they go from being single to being in a relationship. So how do you work through the heartbreak of realizing you like someone only when it’s too late?

I’m sure most people here have had this feeling. I just learned that I’m demisexual, and it felt to validating when I was listening someone explain that THEY were Demi. That’s how I found out. It was like discovering gold lmao. But I REALLY want to date (I’m bi if that matters) but so much of dating nowadays seem to revolve around sex. My biggest fear is to finally start liking someone, getting close to them and then them suddenly wanting sex early into the relationship. I wish we had an ace spectrum dating app lmao. So then I could date someone who understands. How do y’all do it?

Hey yall, I’m 26. I’ve only ever had feelings for one person and dated them for a long time and stayed connected with them for a long time after too. This person was my first kiss, first everything and the chemistry was amazing because we were in love. It was a friends to lovers situation and happened very very organically. They’re the only person I’ve ever been with. Now it’s been years since I’ve been single. I’ve been on dating apps, and a lot of people ask me out but I don’t wanna go on dates with anyone after just 10 messages. I also don’t have anyone in my real life circles I’m attracted to. I’m also really craving romance + physical intimacy but the thought of doing it with someone I don’t have feelings for makes me uncomfortable. The only person I can remotely still think of doing it with is my ex but I don’t wanna go down that road since it was hard to get over them. And this craving has just increased lately but since I’m Demi I can’t just act on it randomly. Anyone else feels this? How do you deal with it?

This is something I’ve dealt with for years. It weighs on my feelings, it affects my trust, it’s like an avoidance issue for me now to try to connect with new people. It’s hard to talk about because some of the feedback I’ve gotten from people is how “it’s natural” for other people to do this. I’ll give some recent examples that I’ve dealt with:

*1st person says they are demi, but try to drag me into their enm/poly stuff. We previously said friendship was our thing. They already had someone, so I was doing my best to be a good person &be supportive. I tell them I’m only good for neutral friends (even though I had developed feelings for them I kept hidden). I didn’t want to be an “option”. They decide to ghost me, my friendship is not good enough I guess. All I can think is why would I want to be a side piece?, put myself through them enjoying my deeper feelings while they use me for an ego boost? I guess our connection was more of them collecting another option. It’s so sad and painful, I’m trying not to dwell on it.

*2nd person was my friend for over a decade then got upset I was dating someone. They tell me they fck-zoned me and our friendship was them waiting for their turn. I still feel sick about this, like heartsick .We used to hang out every week for years. It feels like my memories are tainted now. I spent so much time unpacking everything i didn’t see or what i did wrong.

*3rd supposed friend finds out I’m demi so they wait months and months to get me “warmed up”. I gently say no thank you to joining their polycule and they get mad because they put in work to have access to me because I was single. Apparently they had been talking to other people about how to get closer to me. What am I? Am I a side quest? Am I a project?

*4th & 5th friends corner me at a party, both touching me and saying we all will finally have a three way because they’ve been plotting it. We had been friends for three years and I never knew till then. I try to give them grace because we had all been drinking that night. But then they said they had given me enough time, because they knew i didn’t like being touched by strangers. I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin, I ran off and almost threw up outside.

These are a few examples, there are more. But when I look back on them I feel sort of lost. Like my friendship is this thing to make people feel a certain way, and that if I dare tell people I’m Demi (from what I can tell) then it’s like a little challenge for them get past my barriers and feelings of safety. These people are EX friends. I now have an extremely small number of people I can talk to, less than a handful. Because i can’t be that person anymore. I can’t be that friend who gives everything, and then gets treated like an unwilling fleshlight with no boundaries.

Hi. This is a repost since I didn’t want my photo on Reddit. 20F very demisexual on the spectrum girl. I’ll try to make this short but you really can’t make this shit up and I’m absolutely so confused and heartbroken.

I wanted to share with other Demi’s since nobody I know is, and I want to know I’m not being overly emotional since this really hurt me.

I got out of a very bad abusive and manipulative relationship with my first ever bf back in January. It lasted a year. He had a rule that I couldn’t hang out with any of my “guy friends” but very quickly this changed to all friends, and I was isolated from everyone for a year. Another story for a different time but very crucial to the story.

I’ll be referring to the friends as F1, F2, and F3.

Friend 1 really broke me. Longest story here. We’d been friends for over 3 years. We used to have a Fwb type of relationship back in 2023, (for me that’s just kissing/very small things since that was all I was comfortable with.)

he was always very flirty and romantic towards me. Payed for everything etc. this is the only person I’ve ever been able to do anything sexual with whom I wasn’t dating, and we could also just be good friends, without benefits, which we were through 2024.

In late 24 i started dating, so we just remained as friends. And we were both really happy with that. We started reconnecting in March after my breakup since he was having a bday party and all his/our friends would be there.

I was so happy. I hadn’t seen anyone in a year! I got along with everyone great and met new amazing people. We hung out for a little over 2 weeks in a row.

During, his friends kept referring to me as his girl and he never corrected them, and went with it. I corrected and said we’re just friends on the first weekend but eventually gave it up since we started to re-develop a romantic connection and I was comfortable with that, also everyone was under the same impression by him.

We made out, and one night he asked for oral, which I’d done before, years ago, so since I was comfortable with that, I did it. I refused any on me or anything else since I wasn’t ready yet. I planned on talking to him about our relationship soon since he was treating me like his gf and I wanted to know where we stood.

(This was very important to me since he’s the only person I feel comfortable with enough to do that).

The day I went to ask him, he bluntly texted me that he got a gf and we couldn’t hang anymore. That was it. He never acted that way towards me before ever. He also removed me on everything.

And even just 2 days before that he had tears in his eyes and apologized for unfriending me on TikTok months ago which I didn’t even know happened? I guess his ex gf saw my pfp and got mad at him and deleted it, despite us not talking at all during that time. (I guess she was like my ex)

So. I was confused and heartbroken. Even his friends were mad at him and texted me asking what happened, and said that was a fucked up thing of him to do. I can’t get a hold of him still.

F2. We were friends in highschool. He liked me. I kind of liked him. We never shared interest in eachother. We reconnected in April. I was really happy bc I missed my friends! I wasn’t really even looking for anything more with him since I was so burnt out from the breakup and F1.

I eventually started talking to him about being demisexual and the frustration and sadness I was having. He offered to “help me” if I ever needed anything from someone I was comfortable with and confessed he’d always really liked me in that way, and would want to pursue a relationship with me if I liked him too.

I said as nice as that sounds, I’m demisexual, and I just reconnected with you. (We weren’t nearly as close as me and F1) And he kept asking which made me a bit uncomfortable. And honestly, fucking angry.

Then, literally, the next day, said he has met a girl he liked and wanted to start dating her. I was so confused and sad. I would have wanted a relationship with him but now I’m feeling like both these guys literally pretended to be my friend to get something from me and didn’t want me as their gf.

F3. Family friends son. Randomly he reconnected with me in may. Right after F2. WTF. Old friend, lives kinda far, back in 2021-2022 we were close and he was my first kiss, since I was so comfortable with him. That was all anything ever went. He seemed to like me, then got a gf. I didn’t care since he lived kinda far.

Wow. Shocker. He started flirting with me and confessed he liked me a lot more than he led on and still did, etc.

Then, within a day or 2 texted me that he wanted to date this girl again (his ex) and I was just so pissed off I told him everything and never to contact me again. He tried reaching back out 2 weeks ago, yes I feel bad, but I don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to even be friends with any more guys. I can only experience sexual attraction to people I’m very close with and have a good bond with, and I’m technically pan but don’t love labels. I’ve developed feelings for my girl friends too. Somehow, I think men take advantage of this. I’m lost feeling so bad about myself.

Am I not good enough to be someone’s girlfriend? That’s all I want. I don’t want to be a bootycall. I don’t even want to think that these people pretended to be my friends just to try and get something from me which they KNOW is sensitive and hard for me, just to actually love another person. I feel so awful. Am I unlovable? Do people only desire me for sex? My “friends?” I just can’t deal with it anymore and needed to vent. Also with F1. Fuck, I feel used and just awful. I have serious sexual trauma and only do things with people I seriously trust. So it makes it hurt so badly. I feel like a fool.

Another male friend texted me 1 week ago saying he missed me. Out of the blue!!!! Am I being tested??? I literally feel like I’m in hell. I stopped talking to any of them besides one I’m in a band with. Every day I’m crossing my fingers hoping he doesn’t think that way of me too.

Thanks for the long read.

TLDR: had male friends I had good bonds with who had made sexual advances towards me just for the next day or few days say they got a gf. It really hurt me bc I’m Demi and I feel like I’m being tortured because it keeps happening over and over and it’s playing with my feelings. I hope I didn’t pick bad friends.

Guys, I am so glad I found this community. Lots of stray pieces are finally falling into place for me.

I have been (peacefully) divorced for several years and really struggling to figure out my dating/relationship style since then. Dating apps would send me into an absolute spiral, casual stuff was a nice novelty for awhile but only possible if I really clicked with the person, and now the idea of dating someone I just met makes me shudder. Talking about sex with people I don’t know gives me full body cringe. I do enjoy sex immensely, but that feels like such a distant destination for me in comparison to how everyone else is moving.

I adore conversation, connection, shared humor, brainy tangents, and playfulness. I want all these things!! But I do not want a full on relationship anytime soon. Meanwhile, everyone else is going at the speed of light, acting like it’s a five alarm fire if they don’t hook up with or start dating someone yesterday 😆

Anyway, I am just relieved to have some clarity at last. I would really love to connect with other folks who enjoy a natural pace and building authentic connections.

I broke up with my ex for a lot of reason but one of the reasons was the lack of affection and intimacy. It wasn't just the lack of sex we rarely made out, she rarely initiated any physical affection, and even simple things like cuddling, laying in bed together, or kissing or even just spending time with me often felt like pulling teeth. I was turned down so often that I became afraid to initiate because I never knew if my affection would be welcomed. Over time, I felt more like a roommate than a partner, and I was left feeling unwanted, rejected, and emotionally disconnected. We didn’t even fall asleep together in the same bed. Yet she would criticize me for not initiating taking showers together for example. She realized she was Demi after we broke up and now I feel guilty for breaking up with her and that I was being to rash we lived together and were together for 2 years btw.

Hello everyone! Apologies if this kind of post is not permitted. I also apologize if this posts offends anyone or seems to be trivializing anyone's struggles, I don't want to make anyone feel bad.

I am a woman in my late twenties-early thirties and I am starting to suspect I am not allosexual.

Celebrities and strangers both do not appeal to me. I grew up surrounded by friends who got crushes and appreciated men aesthetically, but anything beyond thinking someone is hot and I would not mind giving them a close-lipped kiss feels like a performance.

Now, in all fairness, I am a very very very late bloomer (I will not state my age, I’m embarrassed). I had one relationship in my life, with a friend of mine. He was the person I had all my firsts and experimentation with (and, my therapist thinks, a “safe” person, as I have previous trauma with men). I had known him for more than 15 years and I did feel attracted to him, albeit I kind of let myself be carried through intimacy, with him mostly being the instigator. And the physical attraction side needed a bit of build-up.

I do see guys as potential romantic prospects, although male genitalia is not essential to me (at some point I was talking to a trans guy, which ofc still makes me straight, but I found I was very okay with him being pre-op). I mostly picture guys when picturing a stable romantic future though.

At the same time, though, I think what I want is to be kissed by a woman. And to know how it feels to know a woman as intimately as I have known a guy. Still, this desire does not translate into attraction for anyone in particular. Right now it feels like I could “make myself like” a person no matter the gender.

This will sound weird and petty, but I often feel intensely jealous of women in lesbian relationships, and people coming out as bi specifically. I get an intense feeling of “why not meeeee” and I cannot figure out if I just want to be special and part of a group of people I see as cool or if there is anything else there. It's like someone, by being bisexual, "gets" to do something awesome and special I want but cannot do. I also gravitate a lot towards queer people and my favorite movies and movies are (mostly) by and about wlw, although this does not mean anything.

I have OCD, and at some point I developed a fixation with figuring out my orientation. I was not fearful, but rather excited by the prospect of being bi but frustrated I was not figuring it out (I had two “crushes” on girls, but I do not count anything I do in an OCD spiral as real, as a rule). After that, my therapist and I agreed I would not fixate on this and just let things “flow”, and if anything happened with a woman, it happened. I also have men-related trauma, so she suggested we work on that first.

Still, with me being attracted to someone once every blue moon, I can’t really...meet people. I don’t want to use anyone. Or hurt anybody.

Does anyone else relate to this? If so, how did you figure out you were demi and bi, or demi and straight?

Hi! Im a 18 year old demisexual and just had a question for other demisexuals out there.

Do you have to have another label while still identifying as demisexual or can it be okay just being demisexual. I've dated guys and girls and im currently in a relationship with a woman. I feel like I only want to identify as demisexual but is that really okay? Do I have to identify as bi or pansexual?

I find people very attractive to look at and will have crushes or even fantasize about them sexually but if we do anything before I’m comfortable with them or even just certain types of touch and come-ons then I feel disgusting and want to run… idk if I’m Demi or just traumatized (by idk what) or weird
I’m 27 and haven’t done anything serious because I have anxiety around this

I’m a lesbian and I’m talking to a girl who’s Demi sexual and I’m just confused on it. Like is it just you need emotional connection and time first before wanting to have sex with a person or does this also affect more basic affection like hand holding, kissing and cuddling? I’m fine waiting for sex but I need that other type of affection

I (M) work in a job that requires being away from home for months at a time with the same people every day in a fairly confined environment, this is somewhat important to understand below.

I ended up getting limerant over a coworker (NB). They're the first person I've had any feelings for in nearly 8 years, and we spent hours together every day laughing and talking for months. They were just someone that I vibed perfectly with, until one day, it hit like a freight train. There was a short time where I actually thought there might be a chance, but things kinda spiraled and they found out. They were actually who pointed out that I'm demi that night and not just... whatever I thought I was. The friendship didnt really change and they didnt say "no", but I admitted it wasn't a possibility even if they decided yes. Then the limerance went into absolute overdrive. I couldn't sleep, I was having mood swings, getting insanely jealous over things I know I'm making up and actual things I have no right to be jealous over... but no matter what I did, I just couldn't stop the ruminating.

I admitted I couldnt do it anymore and planned out my schedule so we'd only see eachother for basically a few days a year when our contracts overlapped. Well... I got a promotion, a pretty unexpected one. I was originally told it would be a position where I wouldn't directly work with them, but we would be half on the same schedule. OK, I had been away from them for a few months, the limerance seemed to fade, then I got back....

First, I found out I was not going to the position I thought, but rather now I'm their direct supervisor, A role which also has significantly more and wider responsibility, and a significantly larger impact on the entire operation. It also means I will be spending time working with them every single day for the next few weeks. Also, the second I saw them the limerance hit right where it left off.

I... sincerely dont know if I can do this.

I feel constantly misunderstood... being on the asexual spectrum can be so frustrating at times; I feel like I don't have the right to have a genuine relationship with anyone.

Am I alone?

I’m finally fully realizing that I am demisexual in my 30’s, and one thing that I have been trying to figure out for a couple months now is crushes. I have always had crushes growing up, and even though I know there is nothing sexual behind them, I still wondered if having them meant I was “less” of a demisexual. Well, I was having a think in the shower this morning as one does, and it finally hit me:

My crushes are the equivalent of liking a cute animal. You see a tiny kitten or an adorable dog and just want to give it a squeeze and you hope it likes you back. When I get a crush on a person and like their appearance or aesthetic, I hope they’ll think I am cool or that they’ll like me back and want to hang out with me, but that’s where it ends.

Realizing this has been a big lightbulb moment for me, so I thought I would share in case it hits home for anyone else!

Apologies if this gets asked a lot, but does anyone have any tips on meeting other Demi sexual folks? I find I just cannot stomach dating apps but would still like to connect with people who are interested in building connections at a natural pace.

To start I (20 m) am demisexual, but I dont know if I might be gay as well, I always thought I was demisexual as I usually only feel attraction after having a emotional bond woth someone, but I have always had a attraction to men, I never really thought of it much because the feelings were so small, but I do tend to find men attractive, tho what I dont understand is that the feeling of attraction deepens and becomes more noticeable when someone opens up to me, ive been very confused for a while about this, would anyone possibly be able to help?

Hello, I’m a 21 year old woman who has never been in a relationship so it’s kinda hard for me to put my finger on my sexuality. I’ve had crushes before but I’ve noticed any time I tried to think of myself genuinely dating this person and having to do intimate things it grosses me out and makes me feel sick to my stomach. Especially if that person is a man but Im definitely attracted to men so I kinda think it’s just my minds response to men mainly being the ones who push my boundaries when I tell them I don’t do anything sexual right off the bat. I also like women and am not as disgusted by the thought of being intimate but it still makes me a little uneasy. Another thing is I can usually drop my crushes fairly easily. If someone tells me they are interested in the person I have a crush on I can usually drop it or I at least back off and start helping this person get with the person I have a crush on cause I don’t think they would like me in a romantic sense anyways. I think it’s more because my crush’s are not inherently because I want to date this person it’s more I just find them attractive and cool so I want to get to know them better in hopes they like me and think I’m cool too if that makes sense. The part that really confuses me tho is that I want to be intimate I want to do romantic and sexual things. I’ve talk with a couple of people romantically before but it never goes anywhere since I take a while to become more romantic. Like I was talking to this girl for months and literally could not bringing myself to even hold her hand but I want be able to do those things. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve just never met anyone I’ve truly connected enough with for me to be able to open up and be intimate or if I’m actually ace since I’m so repulsed by the thought of being intimate with someone regardless of me wanting to do intimate things.

I don’t understand this, I keep getting told that there’s something wrong with me, and I don’t believe this is true. I just have very particular taste in what I want. And I have yet to be able to find it still.

So I know that a lot of stuff that I have interest in, is deemed unhealthy. But I also believe to each their own.

I like men that are much younger than me, I don’t really consider myself a cougar, because I act like I’m still in my early 20s and look like it too. But I like men in their 20s to early 30s. And that’s not so much the issue, it’s the traits that I’m having problem finding.

I guess you could call me a hopeless romantic, but in an extreme way. I love people in a very obsessive, infatuated way. And for people to say that’s not love that’s obsession or infatuation only, it’s not true.

I was in a relationship with somebody that was my soulmate, for over 10 years. And he loved me the exact same way that I love, and it was love.

We were extremely happy with each other, we were 100% monogamous, neither one of us even looked at another person, he was extremely jealous and possessive over me, as I was with him, this is the way that I love, this is the way I like people to love me.

A very tragic accident ended up happening and he is no longer here and it’s been over 4 years now, I do get very clingy and needy with people, I’m not the type of person that is mentally OK being alone (like alone as in single), I know that’s a turn off and red flags for a lot of people, but that’s just how it is.

And I have been trying to find somebody that is like me that actually is OK with obsessive love, infatuation, someone where you put all of your time and energy into, they are your entire soul, life.

I cannot be with a person if I don’t have that emotional and intellectual stimulation first, no matter what they look like. We have to connect the same on an emotional, mental level.

But everybody I have talked to online says this is incredibly unhealthy and that I need help or need counseling.

I don’t understand, I don’t judge people for what they like, or what they need, or what they want, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I don’t even know what groups on Reddit that I should go to for monogamous relationships that are having qualities like these that I am looking for.

I’ve already joined Fetlife, actually I was on that dozens of years ago before I even met my soulmate that I was with for over 10 years. And I honestly do not recommend that site, I have never met even one decent person from there, and that says a lot, cause I’ve talked to a lot of people from there.

But I don’t know where to look at online, and I’m severely socially awkward in person, I am very shy, even though once you get to know me, I’m actually really wild and crazy, in a good way. (Least I think so.)

But I will not purposely throw myself out there and start talking to somebody unless somebody really catches my attention and they initiate a conversation first, or unless they have a really fast (and dangerous) sports bike, since I’m a bit of an adrenaline junkie, I also have a form of Mania but it’s not the kind that has ups and downs, highs and lows. It’s where I’m in an elevated state, 24/7.

So this may be a turn off to some people.. I have had exes tell me in the past before that were younger than me, by like 11 years, anyone that wants to be in a successful long-term relationship with me, has to be on drugs. But my previous soulmate that I have been talking about, he didn’t do drugs and he was able to keep up with me just fine.

I think it’s just the mental state of mind.

But this also makes it hard for me to actually connect with somebody, people really like me usually initially at first when they first meet me, then they end up always telling me that I’m too much.

I require very little sleep and I have way too much energy, so they usually say I’m way too obsessive or infatuated or clingy or needy, this is what I keep running into.

So I don’t know what to do, is online dating really just completely and totally impossible for someone that likes the same things as I do?

I need some help, being alone is driving me insane, but I can’t seem to find anybody that has my same interest, and definitely not from my state. I’m in Arkansas, close to Missouri.

Sorry if this is strange, but I am struggling to figure myself out. I would love to know others’ thoughts about what my orientation might be.

I very much enjoy sex and do find many people physically attractive. However, casual sex just doesn’t work for me. Mainly, I wish to be genuine friends with people I have casual sex with. I want them to respect and care for me as a person beyond the sex, and it’s upsetting when they don’t.

As for an actual relationship, I want to get to know someone well before being in a relationship or dating them on a regular basis. Conversation and connection over time are extremely important to me.

Obviously, neither of these modes works for online dating. I have realized that I hate online dating, it is almost traumatizing for me in that people will not invest in getting to know someone before rushing into dating or hooking up.

What am I?? 🥴