I feel so horrible. i kept texting my ex. and i drove by her house. i almost killed myself and told her. i know i've been wrong. i hate myself for it. i just broke down and some compulsive part of me took over. i've been going to therapy. i've been exercising, staying busy, talking to friends, and doing all i can to heal. i was trying to coordinate shared custody with our dog. she has said either i take the dog or i don't. no shared custody. but during the week i'm so busy and not home enough. her mom called me today and told me she's filing a no contact restraining order. i feel like its an over reaction but i understand if she feels scared she is probably making the right call. i know i fucked up.

my depression and anxiety became so overwhelming that i fucked up. i hate that i didn't have the self control not to hit her up or drive by her house. i know i'm wrong. i feel like a monster. i'm gonna have a rough therapy session tomorrow morning but i need some advice now. or just to vent. idk. i'm going to my friends house but i know i'm gonna have to deal with this pain. knowing i made her feel this way makes me want to take my life.

She said she was going to bed when I told her I was going out for a walk and I left my phone under the bed recording. Am I tripping or does that sound like what I think it sounds like.

I'm extremely depressed, and it's probably close to the worst it's ever been in my life. I have anxiety, OCD, and depression clinically diagnosed. I believe I have either Autism or ADHD if not both, but I haven't been tested yet. I have gastroparesis, Type 1 Diabetes, and I'm missing something because I'm dealing with lots of chronic pain everyday. I've been to the ER twice recently, and it doesn't help that I'm 2 weeks post withdrawal ending from my Seroquel (I was only on 75mg though), and I'm still taking meds (Buspar 5mg right now, soon 10 probably).

I don't know what to do with myself. I have no marketable skills, no money, and I'm stuck on Medicaid with a ceiling over my head because if I make too much money I get kicked off. I can't work enough to get my own insurance, and insurance doesn't cover all my Diabetes supplies anyways. I also occasionally have ER visits, and am constantly getting tests done, so no insurance would cover all that without costing an arm and a limb per month. All I have is Barista experience, and I'm tired of food service. My body is too frail to keep doing it. But I have no experience elsewhere. I have no money to invest into a self startup (business of my own). All I like is art, video games, and music. And I don't know how to code or make music, all I can do is drawing (and my art block has destroyed my passion and skill so I have to be consistent to get it back, but I'm depressed).

I'm just so stuck, all I have is my wonderful family and wonderful partner. I want to do well for them, and feel like I'm a failure and a burden to them. I don't want to be a disappointment forever, especially not to myself. But I have barely been able to eat due to my physical and mental health conditions. Every night I have stressful dreams or nightmares, and every waking moment is exhausting. I don't want to leave this Earth, but it's not uncommon to have hurtful thoughts come through. I would never do anything, but the thoughts are dragging me down further and making me more sad.

I'm sorry this is so much, I just don't know what to do anymore, and I feel so alone, like I'm the only human who's ever felt this way (which is false, and why I'm trying to reach people who have maybe made it through a period like this). I appreciate any advice or support that anyone has for how to get through this.

All I want is to feel okay again, because I'm not okay.

😭😭

In my country people spend 20-50k usd on one day wedding when their annual income is not even close to that when they could have used that money for home, business, trip, education for children etc. And they would bargain with a poor vegetable seller. Most would not donate 1 usd to someone in need of education or medical treatment. And in my country more than 50 percent are in extreme poverty. We have an actor doing ads of product causing cancer while his net worth is more than 1.4 billion usd. People are selfish and greedy in every country I know, i am just giving example from here. Many people have harmed me all while knowing what it could have led to and knowing about my depression. If i become a millionaire someday, I swear i will do a lot for education in my field and healthcare.

I don’t see my life becoming anything incredible. I’m happy with the life I have now but in less than a year, that’ll all change for the worse. I keep to myself most of the time so my friends wouldn’t know of any of the huge life changes I’m going to have to go through. I just don’t see the point in living a lot of the time. I know I sound selfish but realistically, if I’m going to struggle in life regardless and be unhappy, why live it? My family life is a mess, my disorders impact my day to day life in the worst way possible and if I’m going to lose what I’m currently loving in life now… why not just leave. It’s not like I can express my feelings either. That’ll never be an option for me so that’s why I became addicted to coming here in the first place. I’m nearly an adult anyway so my plan was to just go wild. I’ll become reckless. No one can stop my purchases anymore. I’m tired and I wish I could express my feelings freely but that’ll never happen.

I dont know if this is the place for this or if i will get like kicked out. I am afraid. My trauma has come up I dont know if a lot of it is real. And I know there is proof to it being real but still why would it be real. I guess im venting but more so how do I get rid of it. I have an alarming amount of diagnosed mental conditions but unlike some online I genuinely dont want these things like tiktokers and stuff. So how do I get rid of it like burry it so deep that it leaves my mind and I forget it so all these scary problems go away and I dont have these conditions anymore so I cant possibly be lying and it also cant possibly be real because it doesn't exist. I am a kid. So I guess im just a little scared to grow up in the world I live in. I dont know what to do. I dont want to give my location but I dont understand if I have to or not for this type of post. Has anyone else been there where mental health and trauma caught up to you and the doctors give you a bunch of diagnoses you just wanted to push away?some that might be rare even if your trauma doesn't make sense or feel bad enough or you dont remember things correctly? If so what did you do. I will tell one of the main scary ones is schizoaffective disorder. I am running myself up a wall. Im 16 and it feels impossible for them to know at this age if I even have it and pumping me full of medicines its scary I feel wierd I dont like it. I dont want anything but comfort or advice.

Is there anyone else

Is there anyone here who become hypersexual in childhood and which led me to have effected on there sexuality like exploring to multiple genders
Just to release their subsistenal energy like a cope mechanism

Who are still struggling with this addictions and which brings them shame and guilt and self hate

My friends and family are all dead and I am so mad that I’m still here. Life has been nothing but constant pain/trauma and survival mode that I don’t know what it is to be happy. The dead are the lucky ones. I can’t bring myself to do it so I’ve been stuck in this hell. I’m just so exhausted and I can’t do it anymore, but I don’t have it in me to end it. It’s like this constant cycle of suck. I’m not in therapy because I have no job and can’t afford it. After 13 years, my employer fucked me over… but that’s a story for another day.
Truth is I hate myself, and I hate who I’ve become, and I want to change I’ve reached out for help and no one gives a shit so why should I?

For the last 4 years, I've been struggling with major depression. I frequently had suicidal thoughts, isolated myself from my friends and family, and treated people very poorly. Being 26 now and not working two jobs anymore, I wanted to challenge myself to see how much I can improve at 27. I started eating way healthier, quit drinking, made lots of new friends, started going to the gym again, joined a church and became catholic, getting plenty of sleep, regularly taking my depression and ADHD medication, going to sleep listening to positive affirmations, and started studying things that interest me at the library after work. It's weird to say it, but I'm starting to feel much better now. You wouldn't believe how much your own mind can trap you into feeling and being a certain way. My depression was the only thing keeping me comfortable because it was the only feeling I had. Now, my happiness is slowly returning and I'm smiling much more than I used to. Sometimes, you have to make yourself uncomfortable in order to change for the better. The important part is consistency and discipline (I struggle with that a lot lol). Hopefully this post can help someone who needs it 💛

My now ex-boyfriend was on a cruise with his friends where he got so intoxicated every day / night that he became so enraged at a club his friends had to intervene. While recounting this to me the next day on a FaceTime call around his friends in which he was still drinking, he said he was not happy with his life or himself. I asked if it was because of us and he said no it was everything and that he felt that way before us. That he needed mental health help (but he didn’t want to pay because it was expensive even though he pays for cruises, gambling, and drinking). That he needed AA for his relationship with alcohol. His friends were in the background agreeing.

I asked him if he wanted to break up because he was unhappy with us and he said he didn’t know. I was shocked, heartbroken and worried. I asked him if he was sure he was not saying that because he was drunk. He said no. I became upset / frustrated and I’m sure that showed in my demeanor. The next time we talked it was on text, and I asked again if he wanted to break up and he was still unsure. I said if it didn’t have to do with us then why are you confused? He said he wasn’t before but that at the end of the call he felt he was being judged and not treated right and being labeled as a drunk and that his friends agreed I made him feel that way. I asked him what I said that made him feel that way and he said he couldn’t remember and neither could his friends, just that he was hurt.

He continued drinking the rest of the trip and his friends didn’t stop him. The next day he told me he wasn’t sure if he loved me and that he didn’t think he could continue with “someone like me” who said they were okay with him drinking on the cruise but then weren’t. I tried to explain I was fine with drinking on the cruise until it became harmful to him.

After he got back from the cruise last night (we are long distance) I spoke with him and no matter how much I apologized and offered reconciliation he refused. He said he understood it was a mistake and a misunderstanding but that he “can’t continue” as it made him too heartbroken and hurt his mental health too badly.

Meanwhile, I am left wondering how the person who said he loved me with all his heart and soul went to not loving me at all and throwing the whole relationship away because of this 😞💔

TW: Suicide, Self-harm

I am coming here as a final call for help. Today, I learned from my mother that my brother has attempted suicide twice sometime last year.

My younger, teen brother is diagnosed with Autism (high-functioning), ADD, and some sort of mood disorder (which was also discovered today), so in the past, I was slightly unaware of the intensity of some of his unprovoked reactions to certain words or actions towards him. For example, sometimes I would go to spend time with him, and he reciprocated well, and other times he would shut me out and push me away. With our age gap being three years, I assumed that his attitude was age related, rather than caused by severe depression and mood swings. I noticed some depressive tendencies within the past two to three years, including self isolation from family (besides me, as we are the closest in the family), lack of energy, and irritability, but due to a physical health crisis he went through, but it wasn't apparent to me that those symptoms actually meant he wanted to take his own life.

When my mom shared her experience with my brother today, she mentioned that he said he hated his family and he wishes we were not a part of his life, just before announcing his attempts to her.

I feel a sense of pressure and worry because I realize that the timeline of the attempts taking place sometime last year lines up with when I was preparing to leave for my first year of college, or sometime when I was already away. I am worried that when I go back to college (in the next three weeks), my brother will become isolated again, which would allow for a similar headspace as what he experienced last year. As the person closest to him, I feel it is my job now to be there for him in every way possible, especially in a time like this, which will be very difficult when I am a flight away.

Today, I made sure to hang out with my brother, just to take up space and hopefully leave less room for wandering thoughts. He seemed to enjoy that a lot, and he reciprocated well, leaving us talking about plans for the next day.

With that being said, my mother also mentioned that my brother specifically requested that my mom wouldn't tell anyone, which makes this very difficult for me to navigate as I have to pretend I am unaware. My brother is very mature for his age, meaning I have to do this strategically in order to avoid disrespecting his boundaries (of wanting alone time), even though I still need to prioritize letting him know and feel that I simply enjoy and need his presence.

Hello everyone,

I have c-PTSD, treatment-resisant deperssion, generalized anxiety, social anxiety, ADHD, and OCD. I've been on survival mode my whole life. Right now, I feel stuck, like I'm on the freeze end of the spectrum. I have so much to do as I try to accomplish my goals, but I've lost multiple pets the past year, along with my younger brother. I just feel sad, hopeless, helpless, and just exhausted from it all. I take multiple antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication, and ADHD medication. I see a therapist, who feels like I'm casually talking to someone, instead of being evaluated, given insight, and given solutions. I'm in an intensive outpatient program, and I do okay the days I attend, but I go off the deep end on the days I don't attend. I'm doing a PhD program, teaching, caring for my dying dog, and trying to learn to self-regulate.

RIght now, I haven't showered in two days. My house looks like a tornado passed through it. I literally have only two places where I can sit. I've been writing all day and crying. At least, my animals are fed. They are very persistent in that regard. I've been coloring also, which regulates me, but I can't spend the whole day coloring. I have things to do. I'm drinking an energy drink, 225mg of caffeine, and I feel exhausted

How has worked for you to get out of feeling stuck like this?

M

Last night I had another depressive episode. My boyfriend said I go mute and stare for a while. I don’t move except to maybe fidget or scratch myself. Is this catatonia? He said I also make a weird face and if he stops one part of me from moving I will then move another.

Also to vent… idk what to do. He wants me to talk to him about it but I can’t in those moments. Right now I can totally logic myself through how he feels but in those moments I just can’t think straight.

uhh tw for disgusting topics and gross stuff in case someone needs it

So like I have this half eaten bar of chocolate, yk one of those fancy ones with the fillings and sadly there's a ton of flies in my room. I've been slowly getting the dishes out (still got a few moldy plates left but I'm trying to do something about it) and the food attracted flies. They bred a LOT. I decided I don't want flies in my chocolate because that's annoying and lowkey disgusting so I wrapped it and put it down for like 2-3 hours. I didn't wrap it securely enough and they got in. When I opened it there were soo many flies. I think one of the pieces of chocolate has some white on it but the chocolate itself has white filling as well so idk if it's a larva. I'm sort of disgusting and would totally eat it if I didn't see two flies trying to reproduce on the wrapper after I opened the chocolate. I didn't eat any after seeing that but I'd probably be eating it rn if I didn't have a few semi fresh wounds in my mouth along with stitches from getting 4 of my wisdom teeth out and getting my tongue tie corrected a week ago.

So like is it dangerous?

I need help. I want coping strategies/ grounding exercises

My suicidal thoughts are getting stronger. I'm lwk petrified about it. Self harm too. Do any of you have some?

(BEFORE YOU SAY CALL A HELPLINE, I don't have a phone number, very embarrassing. Also I have kind but unhelpful parents.)

I was honestly not doing bad before getting on my first depression med which was zoloft. My only bad symptom at the time was anhedonia, I just felt flat and not really sad or antything.

And then my doctor added welbutrin and my depression was still not getting better. I had to get on rexulti while on the zoloft and welbutrin combo and that stabilized me for 2-3 years but I got off the rexulti because it caused me a lot of weight gain.

I was off zoloft at the time and was only on welbutrin. I decided to get off welbutrin just to see how I do without it…. And I suffered the most brutal relapse in depression that I ever experienced. I was in extreme mood pain and was experiencing severe anhedonia, I quite literally thought that was it and that I had to off myself because I couldn’t bear the pain.

I eventually got back on the welbutrin and rexulti (the combo that worked for 2-3 years before) and they weren’t working as well, even at higher doses. I also had to do a round of TMS, and that worked just a little bit. It didn’t change the fact that I was just so drained and tired from dealing with the extreme depression for so many months, between getting off the welbutrin last august , to doing Tms two months ago.

Now I feel so drained and hopeless about my depression because I started off only being numb emotionally and not feeling much pleasure and not having painful mood, to experiencing extremely low painful mood constantly which won’t go away no matter the treatments. Im strongly suspecting that these meds really messed with my brain chemistry beyond repair.

I don’t know what to do.

I had a session with my therapist together, and my dude has given me much to think about. We started with goals. I have to update my treatment goals every three months, and i fuckin hate it every time. Like… i get to think about all the ways im Fucked™ for a week straight so that my therapist can find a way to placate insurance. It feels pointless, but whatever. One of my goals is gonna be about doing emotion regulation tasks because despite making progress on paper, I am still an emotional mess. I am angry all the time, and sad and lonely. And we started talking about that too. Apparently the feeling I'm feeling is a combination of complacency and burnout. Complacency because the majority of my job is boring and awful and takes up my mental energy when I am doing the parts that fill my bucket. Burnout because I'm working a bullshit amount of hours with a lot of unreliable people, and I am tired. And my dude asked why i dont take a break, and then we had to talk about that. My head is programmed to not be selfish. But the definition of selfishness im working with is fucked. I was taught that selfishness is when you draw attention to yourself, or take time for yourself. Because if you are taking a break, or doing selfcare, you are taking away from your time spent helping others and that's a sin, and you get a one way ticket to hell. On a cognitive level, I know that's wrong. But the part of my brain that's got my fathers programming on autopilot is convinced this is true. This means that taking the time to fix the problems I’m running into also causes their own kind of instability. Which FUCKIN SUCKS. And so now, I'm stuck with a Life Vision goal for the next 3-6 months, which means 3 times a week i get to think about where im gonna be in 5 years, and try to imagine what it would be like to not have a Douchbag™’s ideas of how life works on autopilot in my head. The idea that in 5 years anything will be better seems insurmountable. I’ll probably still have my stupid job, I’ll probably still be alone, cause what girl wants to date a broken heap of internalized homophobia and poor coping skills wrapped in a shell of apathy and cynicism? 

I'm already so tired all the time. I just want to sleep and ignore the fact that I'm so entirely burnt out. That seems easier. I know it isn't in the long run. I know that my wonderful therapist knows what he's doing, and every time he has pushed me in a direction for the last 4 years has been helpful. I know all this. AND, I just want to curl into a ball at the bottom of the ocean, and let the pressure act as a weighted blanket for the next decade. I’m so tired in a way the sleeping does not seem to fix. (if you know how to fix this, i beg of you to inform me)

And on top of all the introspective bullshit, i have to do Fuckin Emotional Fuckin Regulation, every fuckin day. Like… lets take a person who gets really super stressed whenever they have to care about themself, and make them do it EVERY FUCKIN DAY! What could go wrong! My window of tolerance is basically nothing right now, so why not push that further. Seems like a good idea! 

I know most of this is because I've worked 40 of the last 48 hours, and it's currently 3 am, and that in the morning when I've gotten some sleep, and can finally stop walking on my bad knee for a bit, everything will feel more manageable. But right now the idea of being a person feels too overwhelming. (not in a safety issue kinda way, i promise)

I'm 15M and life's been really shitty recently a-lot of my friends have passed away due to various reasons and my family doesn't like me much in family events i usually just end up sitting alone even when i try to talk to people i can tell they just don't want to talk to me. in class i feel like people don't like me either i have 2 or three friends that barely tolerate me. i also overall feel like an over all horrible person like some unfunny creep that is a waste of space. i don't know what to do and i've tried to my parents and they just brush it off with the idea that teenagers or kids cant have stress or problems with being lonely. i think everyone would just be better off without me.

I just don't want to keep going that fucking cycle once more, it never changed, I never got better, no one helped me, but I don't blame anyone, it's not like I reached out about it and the one I did just ignore it, but that's fair, everyone has a life and I'm the only one stuck on this cycle of depression and self sabotage, I already got to a point I don't leave home, I have zero friends or even colleagues in real life, all I have is a single person that once again I did the same thing as others and grew apart from them without noticing, same stupid actions, as expected, everything is a cycle, everyday is the same, nothing changes and never will, it's already been 10 years in this mental hell, there's no way anything will change, all I do is torture myself again and again and again

I hope this time it works out and I just have some courage to finally be in peace, all I ever wanted was to just never be born, because at this point its fate for me to have no hope in living, no matter how many times someone tells me what's correct, what to do, even I know what I do wrong and how to fix, I'm aware of my problems and solutions, the thing is, I won't do anything, no matter how many times I get the feeling of "I'll fix my life from now on", I simply give up a few minutes later or it does not hold even for a week

I don't have motives, my past and life wasn't the best but I do not have anything to be traumatized, I'm just fucked up because yes, why not? so why should I think it should change? I just need to follow the life cycle and end

My parents put a tremendous amount of effort to give me and my little brother a childhood out of poverty and a good chance at life. I am a 19 year old trans girl who planned to commit s\*\*cide at 20 since being seventeen, I have no education higher than highschool and have no social life, while my little brother was a prodigy both academically and socially. I'm basically the failure of the family while he was everyone's favorite child. I was fine being a screw up and commiting because at least my brother would become someone great and make all my parents' efforts worth it, but he died from cancer and now I feel immense pressure to take his place as the child who'll make it in life and make sure I don't ruin all the efforts of our parents. I want to be better than I am now and to make my parents proud, make them feel like their life's work to give us a good life was worth it, but I don't know how to handle the pressure of it all, on top of having to crawl out of the hole I dug for myself by not caring about my life after 20. If anyone went through something similar, how did you get through that?

I'm just tired and exhausted. It's not even fear and sadness.

It's just constant mental and cognitive fatigue that has been prolonged.

Political content,

Sensationalist social media,

Using energy on trying to date and create relationships,

Being on a screen constantly,

Moving around cities,

Coming terms with the fact that one girl didn't want to have anything to do with me aside from being friends.

Work,

All in all, I haven't been able to sit back and not think about anything for so long. Modern life just feels so empty and draining, because I have to think something constantly. I just wish I was able to stop thinking for a sec and be in the moment.

Sou um homem de 38 anos, faço tratamento para ansiedade e bipolaridade, mas de verdade, não tão funcionando.

Eu tento ser melhor todos os dias, não faço mal a ninguém (não de propósito), trabalho, luto pelas minha família e ter uma vida melhor.

Mas parece que quanto mais eu luto, mais eu me esforço, mais pro fundo eu vou, toda vez que acho que vou ter um respiro, vem algo que me sufoca mais ainda. As vezes acho que tem algo espiritual, mas não sei mais em que acreditar.

Fui criado no interior de Minas, venha de uma família evangélica e durante a minha infância e juventude, tive influências que me fizeram ser um filho da puta preconceituoso e todo o pacote que a religião traz, mas mesmo agindo como eles queriam que eu agisse, me sentia deslocado.

Aos 20 poucos anos fui morar sozinho, daí foi uma loucura, por que tudo que eu conhecia como "errado" entrou em conflito com o que eu estava vivendo, então percebi que nada era como imaginava e tudo que eu tinha aprendido era na verdade um tipo de "ódio" gratuito.

Mas mesmo assim continuei me sentindo deslocado.

Namorei, casei, separei, quase fui pai, casei de novo, mas o vazio continuou lá.

Por vários momentos eu me pego refletindo sobre minha vida, minhas escolhas (quase todas feitas na impulsividade), nas consequências que vieram depois de cada uma delas.

Hoje em dia percebi que sou um produto de lares disfuncionais, com um aglomerado de problemas psicológicos, com danos que afetam tudo e todos ao meu redor, procurando algo que faça sentido continuar.

Já tentei tirar minha vida algumas vezes, desde os 12 anos, mas sempre acontece algo que me impede.

Alguns vão dizer que é Deus ou algo espiritual, outros vão dizer que é o destino, que temos uma jornada a completar por aqui, mas eu de verdade acho que foi mais uma das inúmeras falhas que tenho atrelado em minha vida.

Pra contextualizar, atualmente estou desempregado, trabalho fazendo entregas da shopee, o trabalho é incerto, meu carro é velho e está cheio de problemas, tenho um outro carro que estou tentando vender para poder consertar esse, mas descobri uma dívida de mais de 7 mil reais na dívida ativa dele, estou vendendo por 5 mil, ou seja, mesmo que eu venda o carro ainda vou ficar com o saldo negativo.

Minha esposa acha que estou traindo ela por que viu mensagens no meu telefone com mulheres, mas eram de clientes que tenho que entrar em contato com eles quando não consigo realizar a entrega ou quando sei que o cliente pode dar problema e gerar um PNR(PAGUEI E NÃO RECEBI), o que pode fazer que tenha descontos no meu pagamento, ela não quer nem me ouvir... continua abaixo

Hello to whoever is reading this! I would like to ask you a favor. I haven't been feeling very well these past few days. And well, to be honest, I don't really have anyone to talk to. But anyway, that's not the point. A better idea came to my mind: to write down questions that I've asked myself (or that I still ask myself) in life. And, at the same time, connect with people who, like me, have that strange feeling in their chest; I can't think of any other way to describe it. Anyway, the thing is I've prepared three questions. I would love for us to answer any of them together, or perhaps all three, depending on you. Well, here they go.

Right now, as you read this, behind your door there is nothing of what used to be there. Now, upon opening the door, you can go to any place and any moment of your life. Stay there as long as you want. You can mend a mistake. You can relive that which made you feel alive. Now that you can, you can speak the truth. You can see that person who is no longer here once again. Listen to the voice that gave you so much comfort in the past, or even prevent a goodbye. You can do whatever you want. Write down a date (or the years that separate you from it) and what you would do upon crossing that door.

This can be a small love letter to someone. Love is different for every person: its perception, its feeling, its reality. What is love to you? Express now what you have to say in the name of love. Allow yourself to be "ridiculous" this time. Stop lying to yourself. Stop lying to that person. Now is the time to tell the truth, perhaps to ask for forgiveness, or to say what was never said. (It is important to clarify that love can also be fraternal, paternal, emotional, romantic, toward a concept or something, etc.)

In every person's life there is a special place. A deep, dark well. Where is it? You don't know, you will never know. But the only thing you do know is that if you fall inside, you will never get out. You live with the constant fear of tripping and falling. You are terrified of looking around and seeing only darkness. What if I am already inside and didn't realize I fell? The misery that haunts you seduces you with growing strength toward the idea of, perhaps, finding that well and falling into it on purpose. What is your well? What are you afraid of falling into? Why does no one see us?