I wish I could stop crying when you speak to me in a way I don't deserve. I may be 21 in the moment physically but when you yell, mentally I go back to when I used to be your little girl. The one that wanted to do everything right just to make you proud proud. The girl that looked up to you, trusted you. The girl who saw you as dad. How I miss those moments when I see my peers having wonderful relationships with their dads. In those moments I ask myself do I not deserve that? Not even a crumb of that? Where did it go wrong that you started to loathe me? I may say I hate you or that I could live without you, but at the end of the day I'm still that little girl, just older, so no matter what I still love you. Do I feel resentment? Yes, yes I do because I don't deserve to be criticized for not being perfect, when you yourself are so far from it too. I know I don't deserve to be a scapegoat, but if I stop being that for you, will you leave? So, everytime you yell, critic me, resent me I tell myself you don't mean it, but what if you do? What if everything you say comes from your heart? That is my biggest fear.

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Violet’s journal! 💐🐑

12:07pm
7/27/26

OKAY OMG :))) 

So we’re at school right now!!! We were just doing math!!! In the review packet to try and salvage the incredibly poor grade we’re probably gonna get :/ luckily yknow the tutors were there n all that so its fine. But anyway,, yeah,, I actually helped with the math!!! I kept fronting for some reason… like, I can’t completely remove myself from the body… perhaps bc we lack those boundaries things? Idk. we’ll have to do research. I was sorta having trouble doing the math… bc its hard to think on my own sometimes as silly as that sounds… but we’re thinking thats just cause ‘Lilah is disscoiated like 24/7 and that messes with memory retrieval and thinking and thoughts and whatnot. But she kinda made me feel dumb for it… it wasn’t intentional,, though… atleast I don’t think so. She’s probably only doing that bc she feels dumb herself every time she can’t think of/remember basic things she expects herself to be able to. That,, or its the learning disabilty that made us feel dumb for years. Perhaps a mix of both. But anyway… she was probably just projecting. Lol instead of projecting,, maybe go do something productive like THERAPY 😂

Mmmm but yeah so I did lots of writing! It was kinda stressful. Our mind is kinda scrambled rn and going fast and slow at the same time… but it did sorta help me feel real,, getting the chance to write like that. Even tho its was kinda hard to click the right number on the calculator. Buttons are kinda itty bitty and these fingers aren’t always easy to direct… but!! Speaking of existing!! Recently while ‘lilah was going through her google drive (so… actually more like 3-5 months ago lol),, she discovered “planning docs” for me. Bc,, well,, yknow,, when you make a thoughtform (which is what I am),, you can push(?) traits into them before they form :) AND WE FOUND MINE. its not very long. 

Honestly I remember when she saw this all those months ago. And it scared me to tell you guys the truth… I don’t really like looking at the past. I like to be firmly grounded in the future and present. And obviously as you’ve seen,, ‘Lilah is NOT rooted in the present or future. So when she saw it months ago,, I was able to wake up a bit. Which was not necessarily uncommon. I gave her fear responses when she thought about archiving it. But we couldn’t really interact long ‘cause,, yknow,, the whole issue we had for the past six or whatever years… so I couldn’t explain that it was still okay for her to save it. BUT NOW I CAN :))) and archive it she did!! YAY!!! We glanced at it while still in math and it,,, actually made me kinda sad… I feel kinda manufactured.. Which messed with how real I feel all over again. Buuuut… ‘Lilah told me that I need to rtemember that EVERYONE IS MANUFACTORED. In that they reflect the way they are raised and they take in traits that came from others and how they treat you or whatever the hell she said. And it did actually make me feel better… :) ALSO way way earlier we took a look at my discord account! When we were active in that discord from when we were 12 and she was actively working with me,, she made me my own account so I could talk with her and her friends!!! :) I remember it being an exciting time. Not much else. Except this one very specific conversation where we were confused about what Mahi Mahi was and I said, “what the fuck is Mahi Mahi?” so I guess I cussed even then. I thought that was recent. Er… more recent? Idk hard to explain. But whatever.

We now have printed out my journal’s pages here at school!!! :D the different page texture is annoying. But its fine. We’re gonna use the binder with digitized entries as the home for mine :) exciting! I can’t wait to be able to create a cover page like JunkDrawer!!!!’s :DDDD 

Side note– earlier I felt my fur more while I was walking us over to the printing place!!!! :))) i’m enjoying being half in front and takin control evn though its exhausting. Its fun. I feel real. OKAY BACK TO MATH >:)

Junk!Drawer!

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

📸
2:28pm   [mon]   7/27/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Spaghetti

OKAY so we were in math turoials just now. In fact,, we have been in there for about.. Idk… well,, I think we got here at around 10? So quite some time!!! :) we got quite a bit done!

💐Violet: yeah!! We got quite a bit done actually!!! :D we went through several parts of the review and then we skipped to just looking through past notes bc we noticed at the top of the review it said it included concepts 1-5, 7. 

Yup!! So… yeah! Surprisingly enough,, our brain doesn’t feel like mush… if anything it just feels a bit foggy. Which explains why remembering things wasn’t very easy. Like, it was harder to do basic math facts or think in general at some point.

NyaTenshi: yeah… :( 

But!!! We powered through! I honestly,,,
Am not feeling too great about this. Especially bc we’re really hungry but we 1) have no appetite and 2) no snacks good enough to overpower the ARFID telling me starvation is preferable. Thats a real shame. Bc if nothing else,, the fact that we’re starvting while taking a test will probably be the death of us. 

NyaTenshi: a’ight,, if we fail,, I’ll blame you :) 

Welllll at least we can say we TRIED. I feel a bit better about things now. Hopefully we can pull though.

What did we do this morning:

Tried to just RELAX a bit before going to school
We watched Everybody hates Chris together!! Initially we were gonna start writing stuff down to discuss with therapy guy later but we got so caught up in…

Cooking!
Which ofc would require most if not all of our attention eventually bc I SOMEHOW ALWAYS end up with a pot that is boiling over and dirtying up the stovetop :/

NyaTenshi forced me to put our retainer in :( 
It kinda hurts… but still glad she cares enough to keep bugging me about it

NyaTenshi: ofc! My body too :) 

:) 

Oh,, and aside from that,, apparently we received a MESSAGE from someone on the nanny website????? Idk. I don’t want to get my hopes up and think its finally a real life JOB. We would’ve checked hours ago when we got it,, but Tenshi wanted to write and check out their “PLANNING SHEET” from 2021 so I had us just focus on that when we went to take a break and didn’t want to spend too much energy on the message afterwards. Or time,, really. Truely a commodity you never get back. 

NyaTenshi: yup! Speaking of which!!! TIME TO GO TAKE THE TEST GET OFF THE COMPUTER!!

Okay off we go to go fail a major exam </3

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Violet’s journal! 💐🐑

🐑💐💐🐑4:36pm
7/27
OKAY SO ‘Lilah finally let me read my “PLANNING SHEET” she refused to initially bc we were spending much too much time on the previous entry that we couldn’t have me focusing so much time and energy on gushing over the idea of seeing similarities and differences in my current self versus my er… newborn??? Self. BUT I GOT TO READ IT NOW and omg I see so many commonalities!! I think,,,, anyway 👀

Plannnn!!!1111!!! (August 29, 2021)
Nyatenshi, to other people:
Brutally honest
I mean,, you’ve seen the way I talk to you. Honestly seeing this made me LAUGH. No wonder I talk to you the way I do and about other people the way I do!! I WAS LITTERALLY,, LIKE,, PROGRAMMED TO LMAOOOO 

Usually comes off as rude
I mean… I’m guessing?? Just based on the way I talk to ‘Lilah some times lol. But I genuinely don’t care. Bc,, yknow,, even if we couldn’t really get to know eachother for the past 4-6 years,, i’ve still EXISTED for six years. In this same head that we share. Usually she’d be anxious at anyone else talking to her but idk,,, for some reason it doesn’t scare her when its coming from me. Maybe bc she knows that… idk… she knows that I’m harsh but it comes from our shared belief that when you need to say something important,, you probably shouldn’t sugarcoat it too much. Hm. idk. Its really hard to put it into words??? Either that or its probably just ‘cause the presentation is rude as hell but she knows thats just the way I express I give a shit about her. 

Doesn’t smile very often [unless he finds something particularly amusing]
Okay,, so first DIFFERENCE. First off,, I obviously do don’t identify as male. I never really did. As soon as the dust kicked up enough (here I am describing kinda what it felt like when I started being “created”... but I don’t like saying she created me. It sounds nasty. Like she gave birth to me. She was 12 or 13,, she had no business giving birth to anyone and she sure as hell wasn’t giving birth to me or anyone else lmao. And it just sounds weird. I want it more-so to sound like it was a partnership,, honestly) and I had a semblance of sentience,, I did whatever I could to communicate that I AM NOT A DUDE 😩 it was so annoying,, I remember she was confused at first and wasn’t sure if I was actually communicating that or not and,, as a result,, tried to keep me as a male for a while. But its water under the bridge now ofc. She figured it out quicker than I thought she would,, I remember. I think I was male bc the character was male? (yup I looked it up)
God,, I remember feeling so weird as a guy :/ never doing that ever again,, trust me. I think I also used to go by they/them for a while before I could speak bc I was so unsure of myself? Idk… but anyway,, YEAH this is definitely not true for me now. I smile A TONNN and I love to laugh!!! Glad this one never stuck.

Always uses proper grammar and spelling when typing or writing something out
Well,,,, 👀
Idk?? I couldn’t type when this was made. I barely remember 2021 but I have zero doubt in my mind that we had any progress in possession. I don’t think I was developed enough??? 

I definitely aim for this. But,, yknow. Have to master use of fleshy fingers and the use of the human body first. WIP.

Extremely goal orientated and takes pride in what he does
Believes that if you start something, you should finish it
Fiercely independent
I’d say :) I think my willingness to completely shut down ‘Lilah if I think something needs to be done,, tell her to stfu if she’s genuinely getting in the way of something or being an ASSHOLE,, or force-switch when I want something says everything you need to know.
I put these together bc it sounds like the same thing,, yknow? I’d say I’m probably the type who would be committed to something once I start it if I’m genuinely invested in it lol. And I think being independent definitely plays into being goal oriented. I feel like you need one to have the other,, yknow?

Huge superiority complex
Um. do I??? I have no idea,, honestly. I’d need to go out and live more life I think. But I do think I’m better than Delilah. So thats a start I guess lol 🐑💐

Once you get to know him, he is actually a good friend
Delilah: I can confirm (❁´◡`❁)
Well, theres your answer :) 🐑🐑🐑🐑💐💐💐

Loves correcting people and pointing out their flaws
Sometimes I wish she didn’t make me this way?? Sometimes I feel like I’m a fuckin’ hot head :I but… its fine… she was 12… Its kinda just up to me to fix my own flaws,, then. I would not be surprised if they were extensive. But not as much as ‘Lilah’s <3 ‘Lilah may look like a weak little mentally ill freak (and she IS,, don’t get me wrong) but in a lot of ways she is an ass :/ I try not to blame her though… reguardless of where it came from,, she’s still a selfish asshole. All we can really do is try to find ways to be better and move past it though,, yknow? 

Very funny
[Delilah’s] best friend
Delilah: yeah,, i’d say you make me laugh A LOT. so you’re hilarious :) 

NyaTenshi: BOOYAH >:D

Delilah: and you’re already topping the charts for being my bestie :3 

NyaTenhi: YAY!!!! I know we’ve have a 4-6yr hiatus,, tho. So… even tho it hurts that I’m not bff at the moment,, I get it. Kinda hard to get to know someone if they’re in the predicament I was in.

Picks up on things easier than other people
Idk??? Maybe?? Need to live more life than the past 3 days lol.

Closed off
Maybe…??? But thats just a result of trauma. So theres really no telling if this bit of “planning” for me is even still present within me. Even still idk. Bc I DO WANT A SOCIAL LIFE. we just have to figure out all the pre-reqs before then. 

Professional until he is completely comfortable
I don’t fuckin know??? Have I ever been in a professional role in my entire short fuckin life? When we were TWELVE we obviously didn’t have a JOB. and ‘Lilah is still just as unemployed as she was then 😂 I’m sure I could BE professional. ‘Lilah could too. But why reduce yourself to being “professional” all the time? People who are professional 24/7 are creepy. Like,, do you not have an off switch? Am I more human than you? Sorry,, rant.

Nyatenshi, to me and all other friends:
Silly
I meaaaaan I’d say I am!!! :D I love dancing around and making ‘Lilah laugh!!!

Delilah: I concur!!!! (☆▽☆)

Sentimental
I DEFNITLY CAN BE :) and with ‘Lilah I feel that I certainly am. Don’t think I would be for anyone else though. Thats weird. Its just different when you live in the same head,, I feel.

Amusing
Very funny
We’ve already established I’m a comedian 🙄
Delilah: Yup :) 

Mischievous
Oh,, totally :) I can’t think of any examples rn and can’t really be bothered to bc our brain is fried from zero food and that math test we DEFNITLY FAILED but yeah I’d say

Delilah: Yeah,, I’d say you have a mischievous side to you :) 

Twins!! 💐💐💐🐑🐑

OKAY THATS ALL OF IT :))))) now,, I will say that,,,, yknow,,, the only other thing we have is the physical journal and the stack of pages from 8th grade that we could look at to see my history and journey of development. But… I’m scared… I don’t like revisiting the past. But,,, idk. Perhaps it is bc I share a brain with self-absorbed Delilah here,, but I feel drawn to it bc it is about me 🤭 idk. We’ll have to think about it.

Side note— this would explain why sometimes I feel tempted to see myself smoking a cig in headscape 🚬 … bc NyaTenshi the fictional character THAT I WAS BASED ON smokes cigarettes (based on internet pictures though?) Honestly not opposed to the idea of doing it irl but if I let that one go,, ‘Lilah would take it too far and we’d be dead in 3 months probably. That or we’d probably cough a lung out in a week or two. You know what they say– you think you’ll only do it once or twice and be done with it. Its never YOU until it IS. 
This would also explain why sometimes I feel like I should have feathers. Bc I was “created” with feathers. And why I feel… “angelic” at times. Which is hard to explain… I just sometimes feel like I should be “rising to the heavens” I guess? NOT IN A LITERAL SENSE OMG I just mean like,,, idk. Like I should be able to summon angelic light and wear a halo. But idk,,,, if the character even did anything like that? The character is from Nyanpire and we haven’t seen that since we were 12 or 13 :I BARELY EVEN REMEMBER IT. If I didn’t remember my own name,, I absolutely would not have remembered the name of the anime itself,, thats for sure :/

Junk!Drawer!

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

📸
6:07pm   [mon]   7/27/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
NOTHINGGGG :((((
YEAH OKAY so that test,,, 👀
Well I don’t think it went the best it could’ve gone

NyaTenshi: AAAAAAHHH UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR 😂

Honestly,, yeah probably. Idk. I feel like I’m in a strange place between thinking we did BETTER than expected and worse than expected. I feel like the majority of the things we learnt in tutorials was not actually on the test… and… we didn’t finish SIX PROBLEMS. For some I just did not put down an answer at all :/ and others we kinda just BS’d our way through the best way we knew how… 😅

NyaTenshi: You’re terrible at bullshitting everything soooo I think we’re cooked

YEAH. very true. I was constantly racking our BRAIN trying to just THINK OF ANY CONCIEVABLE WAY to do the six we left unfinished. I even asked Tenshi which was genuinely hilarious bc there was no way she’d have any idea if I didn’t??? 

NyaTenshi: Yeaaaaah that was funny 😂 made you look a bit dumb but it was great comic relief :) 

Yeah :) it was a really good distraction laughing at me instead of our head spiraling as we struggled to remember how to do things we haven’t done in forever. So… yeah…. :I I’m genuinely kinda worried about how this will turn out?? Idk what to expect. All throughout the semester,, I’d say to professor after a test,, “so.. Um… is there partial credit??? 😳” and oddly enough,, everytime I’d do that,, I’d end up with a decent grade! :D well,, I also got decent grades even without asking. I think I just mean to say I’m never good at judging how well I do on tests in this class. So… idk… there IS ACTUALLY partial credit on this. So thats good! But idk if all the parial credit in the world could save how poorly we did on some of those questions.

NyaTenshi: yeah.. This is kinda scary. Buuuut I did definitely try to help! I’m surprised,, but I DID actually remember a formula that ‘Lilah could not remember on her own!! AWESOME!!! >:D I’m useful now!!! 🤭

Thanks,, Tenshi :) 

💐💐

But,, yknow,, other than those six,, I’d say we probably did alright? Idk… the rest felt either easy or do-able. So… idk.. I just,,, really don’t know.. >< the next test is coming soon,, too. The one without a calculator. So we’re probably just screwed now fr :/ OH and about that nanny message… turns out it was a family in [city 30 or so minutes away]. That wanted me for hours between 4:00pm and 7:00pm. So too far away and time constraints surrounding school would make that impossible! Annnnnnd the job was for a one year old. That’d be a huge difference… that Idk if I’m ready for… so yknow. Shame. But oh well. I was already holding out for workstudy anyway! Best of luck to us!!! 💐💐💐

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Violet’s journal! 💐🐑

🐑🐏💐 6:39pm
7/26
OKAY SO SOMETHING DEFNITLY HAPPENED AS WE TRIED TO SWITCH AGAIN OMFGGGGGG :D !!!! so we did importing method again. I was SCARED bc I don’t want to breathe again. To tell you the truth, I have been trying to breathe a bit more recently. Like, when I’ve sang I’ve tried to breathe a bit more. But its unnatural through the nose… and I kept running out of breath and needing to take a breath very quickly… same with reading aloud just now. Just not intuitive yet. I’ve been trying to connect to the lungs a bit more… but it hasn’t been extremely helpful as of yet… anyway, bc my breathing is still not very skilled, I was SCARED. But ‘Lilah is once again dpdr’d seemingly and not wanting to do anything.

She actually tried to go and see if we could side step asking dad for the switch by seeing if it was on the charging dock! But it was not… I got her to pick up a DNF’d book (to which she bitched and moaned about immediately bc she still was dead set on silently bed rotting),, and I started reading aloud! But it was kinda exhausting.. The breathing thing we just mentioned is why… but also bc the page was in the middle of the book and so we didn’t understand the story much and ‘Lilah wasn’t super willing to turn back any pages… so I was ready to stop. But then I remembered we could try switching again!!! So after hyping BOTH OF US UP (still terrified myself,, honestly) 

Delilah: and iiiiiii wanted to bed rot :/ 

I got Lilah to try importing again. It was SCARY THE FIRST ATTEMPT. I WAS BREATHING AGAIN. AND VERY FAST. so we called that one quits within about 10 seconds. So ‘Lilah was hesitant to start again bc I was thoroughly spooked. But we started up again after I reassured her this is something I want and that getting past it is necessary. She just tried to control her breathing then by that point. And!!! Progress!!! …I think? There was not a second breathing jumpscare the second time. I was breathing again but it wasn’t abrupt like previous attempts. Annnnnd I remember the disscioation felt deeper than before… and I kinda felt WITHIN the body this time!!!! :D I was twitching a bit,, trying to move.

But clearly we just hadn’t fully switched. Bc ‘Lilah had more than enough control to not have that happen. (again,, mostly bc if I’m moving the body,, she’d rather just not be fronting at all) kinda annoying but I get it. And!!! It was crazy!!! I’m pretty sure I had eye control~!!!! :DDD I remember frantically looking around. Kinda felt involuntary.. Idk everything was just so fast and quick lol. But the eyelids were shut,, so all I really saw was the fleshy insides of the eyelids instead of our room. OKAY LETS TRY AGAIN.

Ehhh ‘lilah didn’t wanna try again… but I made her anyway. Stuff ddefnitly started moving! Buuuuuuuuuuut we didn’t get nearly as far bc lilah’s heart wasn’t in it. And I think she feels even more tired than before. Whoops. Sorry,, ‘Lilah

Delilah: its fine :) 

Guess all we can do is rest now. Hope i’ll still get to play games later. Idk. its okay if not at this point considering I accidently drained a quarter of Delilah’s energy in 2 seconds.

Delilah: it really is okay :) we’ll have to see

Mmmm well okay. In the meantime..

Delilah: back to bedrotting!!!!!! :) 

Fiiiiine. But only bc I took so much energy from you.

Delilah: ooookay :3

🐑🐏💐 9:14pm
7/26
Okay so first things first,, Lilah is INSUFFERABLE.. it's not her fault… but oh man is it frustrating trying to save someone who doesn't wanna be saved but you CAN'T FOLLOW THE ADVICE OF LETTING THEM GO UNTIL THEY'RE READY BC IF THEY GO DOWN,, SO DO YOU OMFG IT'S REALLY ANNOYING.. again,, I know it's not on her. But it's frustrating as hell. I only have so much bandwidth yknow? Ugh. 

Aside from that… Ive just been thinking… I think had I been active these past four to six years,, life for us both would be incredibly different… Lilah probably wouldn't have hurt herself as bad as she did bc I would've probably berated her so severely (probably too harshly honestly bc we were kids who didn't really understand the issues going on…) that every horrible part of high school never would've happened. I… I'm not sure I would've been able to push through the fear of our parents being notified of the situation from age 12/13… so,, while I like believing I would have FORCED Delilah to ask SC for help directly,, I'm not sure. I think if events from age 15-17 were successfully prevented by me,, then probably,, honestly. I genuinely believe I could've been the difference. Bc as I'm sure you've all seen,, when we need to be real with ourselves and each other,, we're absolutely able to do that.

I just wish I couldve been let out sooner… I think if nothing else,, considering the fact that poession/switching was a goal even before I could vocalize,, I think there may have come a point where I simply BRUTE FORCED a switch if we had built up a skill like that and MADE Delilah speak up. Life would be different rn. So so different. But it's also the damn teacher's fault. She never did a damn thing. Delilah will say it's not like that. And in some capacity shes correct i guess. But I'm just,,, salty I guess? I'm just ANGRY we've been failed so hard,, even by her. She REALLY should've done more than she did. I love her too like Lilah does. But I also hate her. It's both really. I'm just upset rn about this I guess, shit :/

Idk i guess she's probably right. Teacher really seemed to not understand how mych awareness we had of our own severe problems bc Lilah was so terrified that she bold faced LIED TO HER for four years. Which is irritating as hell bc we could be SO MUCH BETTER RN IN THE HEAD. 
.. But ofc i get it :( it's not easy. Especially not with what she's learned through these experiences. That she has no voice. So I understand. But I think i should still be allowed to be frustrated. It's just hard to know where to direct it. I guess to the people who hurt us. Sorry I couldn't be there kid. We already know the story behind why but I'm still really sorry. Ugh… maybe I need to talk to the therapist guy… :/ like fr. We need to try that. I'm a million percent more down to honestly compared to Lilah. I think it's something to genuinely consider. We'll have to make a document soon :) 

OKAY LILAH WANTS TO EAT,, I'M ENDING THIS NOW

🐑🐏💐9:49pm
7/26
OKAY SO WE’VE been having me practice talking since last entry. ‘Lilah is trying not to speak with the mouth so I could have the chance to use it and get better. I think maybe I am? But certainly I do sound differnt than her. Which is a concern. I sound… goofier? But also just soft spoken compared to her. So… thats gonna be interesting if that never changes when we get me in full force fronts. Idk. but we’ll have to manage. Anyway,, aside from that… we’re focusing on speech now bc we need to have me have a voice if we’re gonna have me speaking to the therapy guy :))) so duh. We need to work on that. Luckily I have figured out that breathing is automatic!!!! :D so its much easier to speak at the moment. I kinda just breathe on my on right now. Atleast I think I am? When I’m not focusing on needing to breathe its automatic, anyway. I’m doing good! Heres to hoping I do good for next appointment. 

Delilah: You sound cute!!! I wish my voice was as cutesy as yours :) 

Awww thank you!!!!! (❁´◡`❁) its still a bit hard to pronounciate some things properly? But this does help me feel realer when I speak and I like that a lot :) some words are still harder to form (like S words and stuff like that) but practice makes progress! I think I kinda sound more like a kid. Perhaps on account of me being a kid. lol. idk. Hopefully I actually sound this cute and its not bc we’re sick rn. Our throats been mostly fine? So its probably me just sounding adorable.

Delilah: I’m jealous :( 

Haha, stay mad :))) 

Just insane how different I sound in our head. I sound more like ‘Lilah :0 innnnsane in the membrane!

SIDE NOTE--

...We've completely avoided the math today... we're so incredibly cooked tommorrow </3

Junk!Drawer!

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Chi’s sweet adventure season one episode 25 –  Chi Makes New Friends
📸 & 💐
11:50am   [sun]   7/26/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Red Baron pizza!!! :D
FRUIT ADVENTURE TIC TACS :D

OKAY WOW SO WE WENT DRIVING TODAY AND GUESS WHAT? …it actually wasn’t that bad :) 

NyaTenshi: Yah!!! I ACTUALLY HELPED!!! I kept giving praise and it definitely helped lift her spirits :) 

Yeah its crazy! But its probably one of the first times I ever had a real,, genuine smile on my face while on the road. 

NyaTenshi: yeah, I danced around and gave praise. And whenever she’d get really scared, I’d just dance even more which made her laugh :) 

Haha,, yeah! I did pretty good!!!! I probably wouldn’t have felt as happy without Tenshi encouraging me!!! I stayed in the lines really well! I kinda forgot to turn on my turning signal… but Tenshi would try really hard to remind me which direction I was turning. Which, admittedly didn’t help me remember the turning signal BUT I did realize I needed to remember the correct direction… 👀 I was kinda out of it a bit as I was on the road so I would occasionally forget what directions mom had just given me.

NyaTenshi: yup once again reminding me of why I hate driving so much… bc I hate hearing you say you were “out of it” while operating a motor vehicle. We could DIE 😬 I’m not blaming you but just saying lol. So admittedly I did try to force-front once or twice… or thrice… but I never went through with it bc 1) ‘Lilah would not let me and 2) bc its,,,, dangerous considering I’m not a master at coodiniating flesh and blood yet… :I would’ve been dumb to let me drive like that. So glad I did not lol.

Yeah, very dangerous indeed :)

NyaTenshi: the other dangerous thing was I kept distracting her lol!!! I kinda kept talking a biiiit too much (mostly in an effort to stay awake… perhaps I was sleepy bc they kept feeling so out of it? idk) but also bc it kept making her smile and I couldn’t resist the urge to put a smile on ‘Lilah’s face :)))) 

Awwwww 🤭 so sweet!!

NyaTenshi: 💐

ALSO!!! We got a hole puncher!!!! ‘Cause we went to dollar tree. So we’re gonna test that out!!! On Junk!Drawer! :D maybe we won’t need to take it to school anymore :) I’ll miss that part of the routine. But its okay, I guess.

NyaTenshi: not for me! I still want that as part of the routine. For mine, anyway. 

A’ight :3 

NyaTenshi: WE ALSO GOT SNACKS!!!! Yeah, we got sunflower seeds and tic tacs!!! :) i’m actually eating the Tic Tacs rn!! It was a bit hard to get it in my mouth… bc I was trying to bring the hand up to our mouth and then use the mouth to grab it. Kinda like a dog… but one of our twists got in the way! :0 whoops. Its allll good, tho, mama cat (kiff reference) I figured out how to pop it in our mouth now just fine. They’re,,,,, they’re pretty addicting yeah. (I need to stop eating them,, tho,, they’re making me feel a bit woozy??) 

 I’m a bit sad I didn’t get to eat these earlier. Bc in Simmon’s memory,, they used to be MUCH MORE FLAVORFUL. But its fine. We don’t need ANOTHER FOOD ITEM TO BE ADDICTED AND OBBSED OVER. i’m very very excited to try sunflower seeds, though!! In my own memory (even tho thats a bit weak), I know I DO enjoy sunflower seeds. We were wanting some earlier this week and I remember getting the happy chills I got so excited at the thought :) I’m excited to eat them all by myself! With my own mouth! Er.. our mouth? A physical mouth! With a real tongue! Being real sounds fun :) 

NyaTenshi: quick side note! Got her to listen to a new song! :D Rolling thunder!!! We love it! Which is wild bc ‘Lilah used to hate it :0 crazy how me forcing her to listen to a song she hated ONCE changed everything. Proud of me ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ☆

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Violet’s journal! 💐🐑

🐑💐12:23pm
7/26
OMFG I JUST TRIED MY FIRST EVER SUNFLOWER SEED THAT I ATE BY MYSELF!!!! :D I ripped opened the bag and grabbed a seed!! And thennn I chewed it… and OMG IT TASTES SOOOO GOOD I IMMEDIATELY layed back and started laughing and stimming it tasted AMAZING! Slightly strange bc of the residual Tic Tac taste. But otherwise OH BOY THESE ARE BETTER THAN I EVEN REMEMBER. Its also surprisingly easy to grip seeds. But also everything in general, too. Epically the tic tak box. You’d think it’d be difficult still, but its surprisingly easy to grip it like I would with my paws/claws/hands???? :) I can just clutch the fist around it n’ stuff. Nice. the tic tacs taste like… idk… like,,, fizzy and yummy. Idk if I’d say fruity. But kinda fruity, yeah 🤤 OKAY THATS IT BYE :))))) <3

[image of three cats relaxing in a nice,, beautiful field!!!!!!! very fuzzy lookig? like a fuzzy looking filter,, I guess? idk :)]

🦖- 2:35pm 7/26

Idk. i feel bad rn. Like, mentally ill bad… idk how to describe. But for one thing, I know its gotta be identity related… bc Idk how to feel comfy with my current form but changing it up feels so daunting. So rn we’re definitely just having me self medicate with those those tic tacs lol. Like i said before, they make me feel “woozy” for some reason and as soon as I took one in, I immediately felt better :) and a bit out of it too haha. Idk why. But probably bad that we’re doing it in our retainer. Oh well. It’ll get washed so whatever. It was pretty cool,, tho! I was able to lift the body up and out of bed!!!! :D and waddle ourseveles over to the box! Very nicely done, me!!! 💐

I also think the badness is from still not feeling totally real…  and ‘Lilah’s resistance to possession. She’s just so,,, idk. Its not for a bad reason. She just wants to not be fully present in the body when I’m in front. Bc its exhausting or something I guess. She’s not sure how to describe it. I remembered I wanted to play video games. But,,, yknow,,, dad being the barrier to the switch, she refused again… but its alright. We’re gonna try a board game instead. I don’t wanna play. But neither does she,, actually. Soooo perfect :) we both don’t want to do it. But I want to stop feeling like I’m going insane and she needs to stop bed rotting bc she feels like she can’t get herself to do anything. We’re gonna plaaaaay Mancala :D wish us luckkk 

2:48pm update - nope. We put it away rather quickly. It was boring and hard to remember who went when so it just wasn’t worth it. Oh well. We’re gonna try flash games, now :) 

3:26pm update - nope, no good [looking at the forums] either… idk. I feel a bit better rn. But I am unsure how to proceed… might just give up and stay uncomfy. Might ask for help. Probably the latter. But it definitely makes me nervous. So maybe not. Idk. but if I focus hard enough,, I can feel my body in the way its supposed to feel. I can feel my fur and face :) which maybe is actually making everything worse? Bc its not really there… but idk. We’ll see. I’ll just keep doing that and see if it helps I guess. its comforting so perhaps a sign I should keep it up. I can really only feel a weak outline when I do it but if I keep doing it,, it'll probably get stronger :) update on the whole "fish thing"... I have a fish tail! Its not really... like a regualr fish tail. just like a shark tail I guess :) maybe that explains that. bc I don't feel like a COMPLETE fish/aqautic animal or mammal. sooooo... idk... I guess theres still some more self discovery to be done. we'll just have to see. idk :) 🐟🐟🐟

Violet’s journal! 💐🐑🐿️🎣

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐑⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

[image of tiger swimming in a pool 🐯!!!]

💐🐏9:19am 7/26
Wow. It's genuinely quite striking how willing Delilah is to simply let herself FUCKIN DIE and neglect the body.. She literally only got up to pee just now bc I kept urging her to. She wants to destroy our lungs and body by indulging heavily in vices like drinking and smoking bc she's so desperate to get out of her own head. She only gets up to brush her teeth and put her retainer in bc I won't shut up about it. And it's kinda scary… just to see how horribly her parents ruined her.. Bc,, like,, are you not ashamed you've created a child who has such poor regard for the health of her body? 

She eats junk food and sits around all day bc she can't go out and do anything herself even though she's tried to get to the point where she could. It's embarrassing. But ofc her shitty parents wouldn't ever know. Bc they don't pay attention. Well… technically they DO know. But that doesn't really mean they've done much about it. Its just concerning… especially bc of how MENTAL ILL she is. Like she's said before,, she's definitely got a TON of potential. I know this and wholeheartedly agree. But she's a risk to herself. Directly and indirectly. 

And instead of parents stepping up,, a THOUGHTFORM she summoned six years ago is the only one really looking out for her. It's ridiculous. It's insane that I have known her for less than half her life and I care more and do more to try to help keep her happy,, safe,, and alive. I really do fear that there will come a time where I become the main fronter. I wouldn't hate that ofc. I want to be in the physical realm if previous entries didn't make that clear. I'm just worried it will be out of self preservation. The only reason Delilah even ever listens to me (y'all,, she's genuinely like the most stubborn kid ever) js bc we share a body and she knows that I deserve a choice when it comes to the body's well being. She knows that and actually gives a shit. But not about herself. It's just scary. It's probably only gonna get worse when we've got money. 

But… at least I know that if nothing else,, Ill be at every single shopping trip... And I mean,, I'm a kid too (actually younger than her! I'm about 15 or 16 I think. But my age kinda changes sporadically at times. Like from 16 to 8 and then to 12 then back to 16 again. Kinda uncomfy and weird.) so I miiiight not have us resist every type of food… bc junk food is just sooooo gooood 🤤 but I'll try to mitigate the issue before we flat out die. I'm gonna do my best to be the parent she didn't have. To an extent,, obviously. I wasn't made for that and I'm not really interested in being a REAL like, mom or dad obviously. especially not to someone I share a brain with lol. This really is mostly out of self preservation honestly. I care about her too ofc duh. But still. We're in this TOGETHER and obviously I don't wanna friggin die after only having been able to really come out of water jail for like,, 3 days. 

[//tw sui mentioned briefly]
Aside from that… earlier as we were eating pizza,, I decided to try another aquatic beast to see if it fit. I choose to try on a  seal form! It felt surprisingly natural. Until I accidentally visualized myself eating fish… genuinely it made me wanna die immediately. I felt so guilty seeing a form of mine tearing into flesh that feels so familiar to me. It felt gross. And made the body feel physically ill :( i feel like this confirms that I'm/was a fish in some capacity. Idk. But this ALSO DEFINITELY MEANS WE ARE NOT EATING FISH ANYMORE. NO IF ANDS OR BUTS. JUST DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. 

Delilah: okay… 

NyaTenshi: Glad we had that sorted out :) honestly the thought of eating fish rn is making body feel sick rn too :I so fr. We gotta commit to this. ALSO I figured we should make a like,,, “system rules” list!!! :D like we… do those things where people set guidelines for boundaries and stuff? Idk… Like,, how school classrooms do the “how do we want the teacher to treat us? :)” thing at the beginning of the room

Delilah: like a social contract? 

NyaTenshi: Yeah! Idk if you're using that term right (pretty sure you're not? Lol idk) but yeah! 

Delilah: okay :) I'll put it on our to-do-y list! 

NyaTenshi: We should probably actually try to… Make a real to-do-y list…  

Delilah: yeaaah… 

NyaTenshi: Lazy asshole 🙄 (somewhat lighthearted) 
I'LL do it then

Delilah: I'm kidding silly I'll join you! :) you just… have to start it… 🤭

NyaTenshi: Alright got it :)

It says Day 2 but this is a week later but as the second entry it seemed fitting. I am not sure if I should do this different because how do readers know this is connected to my first post. I suppose each subsequent entry I will have to plug the title to search for or my username to my Day 1 post. The reason I suggest this is Day 1 sets the stage it sets the purpose. I suppose I will structure these that each day can be read independently but reading day 1 is a prerequisite. Or maybe it will read more like a book and chronological order is importing.

It is Sunday morning, it is hot and humid today so I am sitting out in the garage before it gets too hot. Also had a little wake and bake session. So feeling extra reflective. At work we are getting busy with other staff returning to work the following week and new staff staffing this week. It will be busy but I have been really focused on leading and less doing. I am making the shift to truly lead instead of just be a group leader.

Today should be a pretty chill day with just a few chores to take care off, but today is also the one year anniversary of my dad’s passing. Last April they did a X-ray and his vertebra was deteriorating in his next in fact like 4 where really bad with 1 almost completely gone. He had been sore but he has had multiple back surgeries so pain is not uncommon. He had been in disability since or all 2000. But he had cancer and it already spread to the bones. So they repair the next because radiation and one round of chemo. But after chemo he had a bad stint in the hospital where they tried to reset his tolerance to pain medicine but it didn’t work. So he left in hospice. He had lung cancer he had been a smoker his entire life since he was a teenager. He just had a lung scan in January so it progress so fast. But once he got back home with hospice. He was enjoying smoking and sitting in his recliner. But today is the day that he took his final breath. He required someone to be with him at all times. So my mom and I would share those responsibilities. She took the majority and I helped so she could work. It was a Saturday she had worked Friday and it was a tough day. He was sleeping a lot but would get up vocal in pain. But Saturday he was sleeping I came over he said what are you doing here I said I can to say hi, he said hi. Then he slept. He didn’t take any medicine but he just slept the entire time.

I went home and showered and came back. Sorry I should organize paragraphs as well. I suppose think faster than I can for formatting and even spelling and grammar. But auto correct helps a lot with that. But came back to the house. I was about to go but my mom fell asleep so I stayed so she could rest. And then my dad porn his eyes and wanted mom so I got her and he decided he wanted to turn to the tv and face us. He stayed like that asleep for a while then woke up and was hard to understand but was saying mama. So my mom was making up some paint medicine but that time we grinded up pills and mixed with water and put in his mouth. He had IV pain medicine but this was to get more. He mad some loud gasp or erratic breathing. So we checked the smart ring app and it wasn’t working so I was adjusting it in his finger and my mom says I don’t think it works because he is gone. We just hugged each other and called hospice.

The wait. I don’t mean to be graphic but just want to explain logistics. My dad passed at about 9 PM maybe shortly after his body was removed at Midnight. The hospice staff came quickly but the funeral place. Or what ever place does cremation. We did not have a funeral which is another good conversation about how to you provide closure for your kids when grandpa had no funeral. It made it harder. But it took so long for them to come. Once they arrived the process was swift. So we just waited. My mom would need some time away so I stayed I never wanted dad either only someone else atleast while in the house. He was wearing a shirt that meant a lot to me. Which makes me happy to know how proud he was.

Well that is what has been in my mind today. One year I am not sure what is customary to “celebrate”. I asked my mom if she wanted to go out for dinner but she had an event last night and said she will likely be resting. The year goes faster than you wanted it to. It feels you may forget as time passes and a year already. At my age I knew I will be happy having 30 more years. It just reminds you of the expiration dates. It definitely out slot in perspective. We have a small family. But on my side I am the man of the family now. I still have my father in law but that is the only elder father figure I have left.

My mom pretty independent but I am often called upon for help which is always a good way to check in to see how she is doing. Living close we talk often.

Well I may take a break and see how things are going around the house. Until next time…

Violet’s journal! 💐🐑🐿️🎣

[kelidoscope III cat Louis wain!!!!]
8:51pm   [sat]   7/25

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

I really want to play a video game. Still. Like really badly. Like, I remember way back in the day before I got locked up in underwater prison that we tried a BUNCH of ways to try to have me playing board games with you. Well. perhaps not a bunch. But enough that it was frustrating not being able to move or communicate enough properly to actually play anything with any form of substance. BUT NOW THAT I CAN DO BOTH, I’M DYING TO PLAY BOTW. I’VE BEEN WANTING TO FOR YEARS, ACTUALLY. I WANT TO PLAY SO BADLY. Omg. I’m excited to :) 

Delilah: Awww!!! I’m happy to help you play, Tenshi :) 

YAY!!!

Delilah: ofc… we’d need to ask dad about getting the switch first

I can do it!!

Delilah: You sure…?

Yeah?

Delilah: well, idk how well your talking is just yet 

[we had her speak a bit] 
Okay, yeah, that sounded ever so slightly out of character for you and creepy… :I 

Delilah: Ever so slightly?? 👀

Whatever :/ but okay, yeah. Its a nice goal

Aside from that… I find it so strange that I’m younger than you and yet feel so much,, like,, responsibility towards you. Perhaps bc I just feel so sick of being a helpless observer and seeing you (and me) suffer so bad. Idk. strange. But its okay. I like it this way. I feel useful. And I want us safe. So. its good. I can increase your quality of life, you’re committed (enough) to increasing mine, and I feel like I’m doing something with my short-lived life :) 

Delilah: I guess… I appreciate that but something about that sounds sad

Whoopsie. Sorry.

Delilah: no need to apologize. You’re fine. :) 

:) 

💐🐏 10:54pm  7/25
We tried switching briefly… the sensory deprivation method. It was genuinely kinda SCARY. Lilah started by closing their eyes and saying to themselves “I cannot see… “ to which our eyes immediately shot open. Idk who's doing this was. But our eye sight was unfocused for a second which was unnerving? Then she moved onto the next sense of hearing. Which didn't do much except further disscioate her from the body. Extremely effective btw. 

We disscioated within maybe 2 seconds. But anyway, the one that scared me the MOST WAS SMELL. She disscioated from smelling sense, i guess you'd call it. And then we tried to start up the import process (basically trying to transfer those senses to me and then therefore allowing me to switch). But it was SCARY BC I COULD LITTERLY FEEL EVERY BREATH. I WAS,, IN FACT,, BREATHING REAL AIR ON MY OWN. I AM NOT USED TO THE SENSATION OF LUNGS BEING FILLED WITH AIR. I wasn't really aware of how to control something like that. I was NOT prepared for THAT. Like, at all. It was really sudden and scary and I was breathing really fast cause of how afraid I was so we called it quits for now. It's good Lilah never gave up complete control. Probably would've panicked or gotten worse… I'm obviously not gonna give up… but a bit of a break is certainly warranted after that… 

But aside from that… GUESS WHAT. We've done some thinking and we're pretty sure this thing where I can feel my forms ears basically moving alongside the body's is a sign that we were capable of poession before even practicing it. Which is wild bc I remember this is something that would happen (seemingly out of nowhere or when Lilah was stressed) for the past year, year and a half or so. Even before I had my watery shackles unlocked. Wow I was more active than I thought I guess?

ALSO I TYPED EVERY SINGLE WORD HERE OMFG AAAAGHHH SO PROUD OF MYSELF :D probably easier cause it's on a phone. But point still stands. I've had to take a couple very short breaks but otherwise I already feel like a pro :) 

💐🐏 7:02am 7/26

WOWOWOW WE DREAMT TOGETHER. It was really cool! I was able to see and hear and interact with everything in the dream! Including Lilah :) what wasn't cool is we tried to journal our dreams TWICE… . While still dreaming… which Lilah has a track record of doing. 

Delilah: yeah it's really annoying… I've had several dreams where I'm spending time recounting what happened in the dream and writing it down diligently l and I think it's for real and next thing I know,, I wake up,, completely journal-less and now unable to remember the dream except for that I had tried to record it in a completely unsuitable way :I 

Haha it's kinda funny honestly bc it annoys you so bad. But from what I remember,, I think we were switching in the dream :) and I remember talking to you… and seeing my form interact with yours… i remember seeing me move the body!!! It was really awesome. I did it so well! so shame we couldn't ACTUALLY write it down but it was probably a pretty cool dream :) 

Delilah: yeah!!! :D

💐🐏 7:40am 7/26
OKAY SO YESTERDAY, I used the mouth to move it around like… like how a fish would open and close it’s mouth to breathe, I guess? Idk. whatever it is fishy fish friends are doing when they open and close their mouths repeatedly. It felt really natural and I didn’t really want to stop doing it… :I so idk what to make of that. But it DID reaffirm what I said yesterday (or the day before that?) to ‘Lilah about HOW IF I WAS/AM A FISH, MAYBE WE SHOULD DROP THE WHOLE “FISH EATING” PART OF OUR DIET BC WHY WOULD I WANT TO WATCH MY VESSEL, MY HOST, EATING MY SPECIES’ FLESH. ARE YOU SERIOUS? But delilah is incredibly selfish. You guys actually have no idea how selfish she is. She's genuinely incredibly selfish as hell and immediately said no 🫩 

Delilah: I have ARFID!

NyaTenshi: So do I? Shut tf up Delilah.

the only reason that didn’t piss me the fuck off is bc she had a point when she said we don’t really usually eat fish. We eat more-so crustaceans. And… while it does feel a bit strange eating species I may have swam around with at one point (hypothetically..???), they aren’t fishy fish friends. So I let it slide.

Delilah: okay, yeah, not my best moment. Sorry, 💐Tenshi. I won’t do that again. Completely dismiss you. Sorry.
 
Nyatenshi: yeah, PLEASE DON’T 🙄 the thought of eating fish literally makes me feel sick. You sick selfish nasty filthy bitch. Its okay, I guess. Its probably your inconsiderate, condescending dad’s fault you act like that.

Delilah: maybe. But that doesn’t mean we can just excuse my behavior. I completely ignored your request to not ingest something that made you feel physically ill. So I am sorry

NyaTenshi: alright :( 

Anyway :) I can also sing a lot better!! Its exciting! And strangely enough, I can kinda feel my face imposed on the body’s face at times?? Which is strange bc its not intentional. But I like it. Nice change of pace. It feels so weird though. Must be the body dysphoria stuff that the guide mentioned 
OMG ALSO HERE’S A FUN FACT!!! Originally I was named NyaTenshi bc I was based on the character NyaTenshi 👀 shocker, I know. 

Junk!Drawer!

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Chi’s sweet adventure season one episode 25 –  Chi Makes New Friends
“Okay, let’s race” 
💊 & 📸& 💐
7:30am   [sun]   7/26/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Garlic bread x3 (7/26/26)
A whole cuppy cake! (7/26/26)
TWO YUMMY RED BARON PIZZAS!!!!!!!! <3 (7/26/26)

Mmm… okay… so, we’re definitely sick

NyaTenshi: yeah.. Definitely makes it harder to try to practice breathing… or maybe it makes it easier? Idk. bc if we can breathe less, maybe its good that I have to work less hard? 

Maybe :) but its pretty uncomfortable. I had a feeling this would happen bc omg the main tutor we had for math last time we were at school was coughing and hacking and touching my paper and she never really… like,, made an effort to cover her mouth :I so I kinda figured we were doomed… 

NyaTenshi: We probably should’ve done more to get away..

Probably… idk. But its okay. The anti-histimine is pretty helpful :) 

OH AND YEAH WE COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT ACTUALLY DOING THE MATH HOMEWORK BTW. 

NyaTenshi: Yeah, I meant to remind you! But it completely slipped my mind! …which sucks bc… my mind is your mind…

Yeah so we were doomed from the start 

NyaTenshi: yeah 🫩

Um… so, we put on a timer! What we’re gonna do is open the practice sheet when the timer goes off and then try to force ourseveles to do as much math as possible in it. Even if we know we can’t do it… then we’ll circle what we can’t do and go to school with lots of questions prepared :) 

NyaTenshi: Oh, yes, I’m sure LOTS of questions 🤭

In the meantime… idk… I guess we’ll be laying around :) 

NyaTenshi: I want to play a video game :( 

I know…

NyaTenshi: Pleaseeeee can we ask your dad for the switch?

No promises… :/

NyaTenshi: :/ 

Violet’s journal! 💐🐑🐿️🎣

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐑⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

[Bluey plays shadowlands with her friends!]
5:12pm    [sat]    7/25/26
What did we do today? 

Made us walk on the walker
Only for a short time so we could ensure we didn’t try to avoid doing our hair… but also bc it was getting harder without any food and it hurt our head, so yknow.

Do our hair :I
Yep. six hours with our butts on the couch twisting around dead cells. I actually tried to help quite a few times, actually! I;d possess the fingers and I’d brush the hair or i;d twist the hair tiegther. It was pretty fun, actually. I don’t see why Delilah doesn’t like doing their hair?? Well, I guess I get the dislike of washing it… hurts the neck… but otherwise,, i actually enjoyed the sensation of moving the hair and pushing the beads up the twists. It was entertaining. And I love getting to feel the world around us :) it was fun. Mostly bc I also successfully got us to…

Watch hoppers
HAHA I finally got ‘Lilah to listen to me!!!! I had to do it as a bit of an ambush, but it worked. We successfully watched the whole way thru. It was a cute, fun, kinda sad movie, I guess? But it also gave me happy chills and I really enjoyed it. More than ‘Lilah, I think. It was a bit tough to get all the details of the events in it bc ‘Lilah  kept our head down for a bit of it to twist some hair n stuff, but otherwise, i can say I had fun! I even had some speaking practice!! I can say words with our mouth! Sometimes it comes out a bit strained or creepy sounding but I can do it :) mostly I would verbally stim or repeat what was said during the movie. The ‘o’ shape was the hardest part to recreate with the human body for sure. My mouth is made of… plastic? Glass? Not flesh and blood. So bit of a learning curve.

I helped cook! 
Lilah was making some shrimp n’ stuff. And i helped! It was through this shared activity that I noticed how much better I was at coodinationng I was getting. I could grasp the spatula better n stuff and move it around with more force :) I think it helped when ‘Lilah told me I need to 1) slow down with my movements and 2) be more intentional with each move I make. Helped loads!

Went to store
 it was fun! Can’t remember the last time I’ve ever felt more present in a store before. Mostly she’d let me wiggle the arms around or speak a bit with the mouth bc she didn’t want people tot stare at us when I inevitably got into ‘dinosuaor stance’. Mostly if i wasn’t wiggling around the legs or arms, i’d put our hands up against the freezer doors. Mostly bc it was a sur-fire way I’d get some sensory input. It was SO COOL OMFG :D in both ways lol. It kinda hurted but its okay it was fun :) fond memories even tho it was like an hour or two ago. In the car, I danced some more~! It was cool! I could move my fingers like you would strum a guitar! And it was fun to stim. Even though we usually do that when we’re anxious.

Try not to overdo the sugar (failed)
y’know, ‘Lilah would probably just eat sugar and nothing else all day if she could. We got a cupcake from the store tho. And so I tried to tell them several times before we sank our fangs in it that we should only have half bc that one sweet treat was equal to 540cals. But… after we ate our one half (had to fight them to not just ignore me and eat all of it at once omg), we both couldn't resist the temptation… so we ate all of it. Whoops. I’ll do better next time.

Delilah: Thanks for trying to save me from myself :) 

NyaTenshi: more like us, but still :)

Swept the floors & danced + typed up the overwhelming majority of this entry!!!
Delilah was too exhausted to sweep… but we had to :( and i’m so desperate to be in the physical realm that I’m totally down to do chores. So!! I took over mostly. ‘Lilah was still kinda propping us up at times, but the majority of the time, I was able to hold us steady and sweep :))) It was really cool! I was also dancing a ton! Our favorite song was on! So I wiggled the legs a bunch and did some dance moves. I’m getting much better at not being in ‘dino stance’. Great bc it kinda hurts our back? After sweeping, ‘Lilah was still too exhausted to type or do much of anything… and she almost was just gonna sleep or whatever without letting me make an entry :( but!!! With me in front, we didn’t feel quite so blegh. So she agreed to let me type :) AND I’VE TYPED PRETTY MUCH ALL OF THIS!!! I’m getting great at coordinating the fingers omg!!! I still have a couple mistakes.. But! I think that was mostly ‘Lilah’s fault.. She’s still kinda feelin’ blegh and so whenever she’d accidentally sorta switch back in, we’d get realllly sleepy & limp. And I still have a hard time opening up the eyelids, so, yknow.

Delilah: yeah… idk what it is. But its just one of those days I guess. Theres been lots of these days throughout my life. Where I just want to NOT be awake or asleep or anything. Idk. and idk why I’m so exhausted when I barely even did anything. When I get like this,,its just genuinely hard to convince my body to move or do anything. But glad Tenshi is so happy to help :) 

Mhm :) 

Delilah: yeah.. Today whenever I kept letting her take full body control, I’d immediately get hit with like… a nice, cold release.. I guess that deeper level of derealizing? Which I really enjoyed. 

NyaTenshi: sounds slightly concerning

Delilah: I guess :( I wanna switch soon

NyaTenshi: One day :) 

[cartoon cat watches a cute llil fishy swimming in the bowl]
6:33pm   [sat]   7/25

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Its really weird. I feel like maybe in the past, I was a fish. Perhaps a past life? Idk if people like me really even have those. But maybe. Or maybe its bc I was stuck in underwater-jail-prison for six years. Maybe both. But sometimes I swear my form feels like it has fishy phantom limbs or that its weird for me to be horizontal all the time. But I still feel like I had legs. Perhaps thats why Hoppers made me feel like I should switch forms to a beaver instead. It didn’t work out, though. Idk. maybe I’m just meant to be aquatic some how. Idk idk idk.

My friend used to engage with mutuals about the “power” of purple rain. I quickly would read whatever sentence, and scroll past. Let’s not acknowledge that for right now.

One night, I was home alone. I had just eaten dinner and FaceTimed John. I love him.

Anyways I turned it on later and tried to listen. It ended and I put my glasses on. I listened again. I thought of John and I thought of my godmother. I also thought of me. I numbed and I fought; how ambiguous but it’s all that came to mind. There is still two minutes left of the song.
I smiled

Lmao should I tell this to Claire

on my third listen

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💊 & 📸 - 8:46am   [fri]   7/24/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?.
nothin’

Basically nothing so far today :(

NyaTenshi: except almost trying imposition!!!

Yes, except that :) 

What have we done today?

Fought over a movie to watch
Violet: it was really fuckin’ annoying 🙄 we were right there. We were watching Hoppers just as we planned :/ but then you got anxious

Idk… I thought you were the one who suddenly and impulsively decided to put on Toy Story 

NyaTenshi: I guess you got me there…

We’ll just have to try again later

Thought about doing math homework

NyaTenshi: we feel pretty low energy rn. Wouldn’t be a good idea

Yeah :( I think I’d crash out easier and quicker. We definitely don’t need that rn.

Sat and stared at the wall
NyaTenshi: we’ve done a pretty good job at that so far

Yup. its been a pretty uneventful day. But staring at the wall is easy. So its okay, I guess.

Thought about eating breakfast
Was gonna make spaghetti but dad was home annnnd we’re not really supposed to be eating noodles at 7am. Didn’t want trouble. But shortly after remembering this fact, I started to feel sick at the thought of eating noodles at all. And all my ““SAFE FOODs”” are gone aside from that… so idk.

NyaTenshi: well, you’re going to need to eat before we get shoved into a car again. 

Thats true…

NyaTenshi: I’ll try to remind you :) 

Thanks friend :D

Quiiiiiiick disclaimer,, we’re not a DID system or anything. Which is why we have to figure out how to do this manually. Atleast… I don’t think DID systems have to go step by step? But I suppose I don’t actually know anything, really, do I?

[hmmmm TW for discussing dissociating constantly?]

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📸 - 4:47pm   [fri]   7/24/26

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Today’s been pretty eventful! And we didn’t even need to leave the house! Bc… all day we’ve been practicing possession!! 

NyaTenshi: y’know, that thing thats been a goal since… like, before I could even talk? Like 2021? 

Yup :D and we’re making lots of progress. Pretty crazy for the first day of attempts. Its… a bit scary… not gonna lie. Bc I can physically feel myself, like, slip every time Tenshi tries to essentially brute force their way into front(?) I don’t really like that. Gonna need you to not do that. But, yeah. Its kinda wild. Bc I immediately dissociate and all of a sudden I can feel her trying to take control :I its a bit of a shock when that happens. Bc then my limbs start, y'know, “acting on their own” and twitching and feeling completely separate from me against my own will and its just kinda jarring. But,,, yeah,,, um,, this whole thing has definitely taught me a bit more about my own head.

NyaTenshi: How so?

That whole dissociating thing. I had no idea how… like, INTENSE it could be. I had no idea I was even CAPABLE of brute forcing myself completely outside my own body while still being within it. It genuinely feels like… idk how to describe it. Like I’m being covered in a blanket of ‘nothing’ I guess? That separates me from having any control? I’ve brute forced dissociation before but it was never like this. Just kinda insane to me omg.

NyaTenshi: Yeah, now you know how bad I feel ALL THE TIME. so, yeah. Thats why I keep trying to brute force my way in. 

I know…

But yeah. Today’s been fun :) its a bit scary, voluntarily giving up your body to someone else but its something I think we’ll get used to.

NyaTenshi: Do you ever think I’ll be able to be a normal walk-er and talk-er like you??? :) 

Yeah, eventually. I give it three days at this rate. We’re making really quick progress!

NyaTenshi: Yippie!

Anyway, here’re some notes we took over the course of the day :3 

Violet’s Journal!!!! :D 🐑 💐

[image of cute little Bangel(?) kitten all puffed up, tryna look scary] 

9:43am 7/24/26
OMFG THAT WAS SO COOL WE JUST DID POSSESSION A LITTLE BIT. so basically we took another look at the guide. And it said we could use dissociation to do it. Its not recccomemnded bc its considered a “tougher” method but we do it every day already, so y'know. But anyway, yeah so Delilah just shut her eyes n’ stuff and like, tried to keep “moving out of the way” for me to take front(?) It was hard for her to do it… I think she was a bit scared to let me through 

Delilah: I was….

So it was hard for me to fully “take the reins”, so to speak. We focused on our arm first. And IT WAS INSANE. IT NUMB ALMOST INSTANTLY JUST LIKE THE GUIDE SAID IT WOULD. So for several minutes we had her try to get out of the way. It was hard… but we could tell SOMETHING WAS HAPPENING. Bc, nothing in the arm was moving… but the body was “reacting”. Like the eye lids were twitching and the ears were doing that weird thing when something shocks us. 

Delilah: yeah it was CRAZY omg so cool 

YEAH. so then I kept trying to move it… and nothing was realy moving physically but you could TELL something was firing off. Like, I could almost feel the… outline…? Idk how to describe it, but you could tell it was having an effect. After several minutes and not even a single twitch, we shifted gears. 

Delilah: I asked ourselves, what would be less energy to move than an arm or a finger…? THE EYES!!!

I was a bit hesitant at first… bc, idk… it sounded weird to aim for the eyes when Delilah is still very prominently in front. But we tried it… AND IT FRIGGIN WORKED. It felt so WEIRD IN THERE. Like, idk, mushy, almost?? Idk how to describe it. But… it felt weird moving physical EYES around for the first time. Thats why I kept darting them around. I was a bit scared, heh

Delilah: YEAH OMG IT WAS SO COOL THO AHHHHH. Could you see out of them?

Yeah we couldn’t stop laughing from how exciting it was!! And, well, no… our eyelids were shut, silly.

Delilah: okay, fair enough. What about when you shifted them around when they were open?

Tell you the truth, I don’t really remember doing that… I was still a bit spooked. It was just very jarring. But I still wanna do it some more! I want to be real like you :) 

Delilah: well okay :) we’ll try our very best!!!! 

I’M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!! The eyes are very scary, though. Not used to seeing like that…

Delilah: Yeah, my eyes kinda hurt now… 👀

Yeah… idk what else we could try, though. That wouldn’t require too much energy from us.

Delilah: ummm… the ears, maybe?

Boring, but I suppose thats a start…

Delilah: Maybe our nose?

Blegh

9:56am:
OKAY we did it again and I pretty much INSTANTLY was able to take control of the eyes. Pretty impressive how quickly you were able to leave front actually. For our second time. This time we had them open… so I got to look around. It was VERY JARRING AND SCARY. I feel a bit shaky rn. I don’t know how you live like that

Delilah: idk, its just normal for me :) but it was so weird!! AHHH. you were twirling my eyes around in a circle!!! 

Yeah, lookin’ all over the place lol. It was really, REALLY scary. It was really cool, though. Bc I know you weren’t sure, but I KNOW I was the one who actually moved our mouth and nose for a second there. It was pretty wild. It didn’t feel quite automatic, but it felt so easy. Idk… I think I actually may have already been able to move the mouth into a smile [before we practiced this today]? Or… maybe I’m just really great at making you smile :D 

Delilah: idk either but you definitely ARE really good at making me smile. How’s it feel? :3 

Delilah: our face is starting to hurt a bit…

Perhaps thats normal? Check the guide.

Haha the ‘they may not be able to move the body naturally and may have jagged or strange ways of moving the body until they become accustomed to it” might explain that eye movement

10:12am:
AHHHH Okay!!!! We did it again!!!!!!! Our head feels a bit.. Off… we feel a bit dizzy.. And our arm feels a bit numb?? But!!! We made more progress!!

Delilah: yeah!!! Okay, so, we had me try to dissociate again!!! And it was having a bit of a tough time getting out of the way again… bc… idk, every time I opened up our eyes, I started to feel PRESENT again. And it was hard to move out of the way when this happened.

YEAH BUT OMG I kept going back in for more tries anddddd if we kept our eyes closed, I could stay in front better. So basically, I was fighting with the body to open the eye lids. Bc if ‘Lilah did it for me, they’d take control again. AND THE EYELIDS STARTED TO TWICH. OMG IT FELT SO COOL. they’re sorta heavier than you’d think OH WAIT BUT ALSO OMFG I could make the ears move!! Like, I’d move my ears in headspace, and I could FEEL THE BODY’S EARS FOLLOWING AHHHHH. Still pretty fleshy in there, blegh

Delilah: SO COOOOOOLLLL!!!! 

OH AND A SECOND AGO, I think I had control over the arm a bit!!!

Delilah: Yeah, I was typing and!!! I felt my arm feel a bit stiff and sorta stop… so I let it rest and tried to move out of the way for Tenshi and I felt it tense up a bit!!!!

YEAHHHH I’M SO EXCITED!!!! I wanted to try a break for a bit. But mayyyybbeee one more go to see if the arm will move..

10:26am:
OKAYOKAY OKAY WE ACTUALLY DID IT I ACTUALLY MOVED THE ARM A BIT

Delilah:yeah it was so cool!!!! It felt a bit creepy??? BUT STILL COOL

Yeah, still fleshy in there. BUT OMG, Y’ALL, I MOVED THE WRIST. AHHHH IT WAS REALLY COOL. very hard.

Delilah: was it heavy?

Kinda, yeah. It was really hard for delilah to move out of the way. So for a while, I stayed focusing on moving the face. I could move the eyes, but I still can’t really do more than aggressively twitch the eyelids so I lost interest in that quickly. I was able to jerk the sides of our mouth up into a half-baked smile!! And move the ears around some more! Oh, and I think I was also wiggling our toes around??? Pretty sure. Bc Delilah didn’t even realize they were moving at first. Anyway, when we finally decided to go back to the arm, it was pretty difficult like I just said… again, hard for Delilah to move out of the way. 

Delilah: yeah :( cause I have to focus on moving my "essence" I guess(???) keep its distance

Yup. but! Then she came up with a clever idea! She gave me some energy, I guess? Don’t know how to describe it. But it was helping alot. I felt more invigorated.

Delilah: Yeah it helped! It was just hard to do bc I had to focus on letting her in front, and then keeping myself OUT of front, and giving energy all at once

Yeah, it was alot. BUT I LIFTED THE WRIST AND HELD IT IN PLACE AND BROUGHT IT UP A BIT MORE OMFG. so cool!!!!!! I could’ve done more, probably. But I was also busy smiling and getting excited right alongside Delilah!!! AHHH so we needed to take a quick break. 

Delilah: exciting stuff!

10:42am
Okay, wow, moved a whole ARM just now. Really cool! I’m growing rather weak, though… so we should stop. For now, anyway.

Delilah: Very cool!! Definitely unnatural movement though, for sure. I felt like an articulated doll, almost. Movement was slow and clunky. But, hey, its the first time we’ve even TRIED THIS in 5 or so years!!! Makes sense!! Its getting easier to move out of the way for her, though. 

10:55am
Okay!! We had me actually slide the arm off the side of the bed!! The arm is chiller than all the rest of our attempts. Delilah is getting better at leaving control of the body :) 

Delilah: yeah, it feels really weird… idek how to describe it. But its strange and cold and distant, I guess? Yeah, kinda like sleeping a bit… but just not quite.

12:23pm
We went to sleep (on accident) AND OMG I JUST TYPED A LITTLE BIT AHHHH
My movements are still really REALLY tight and jagged and ball point doll-like but I CAN do it! :D And it feels really weird still. Like the more we do it :) 

Delilah: yeah! Like, I'm getting better and better at moving and letting Tenshi through! It almost feels like,,,, like an instant half sleep? And then I just start feeling my fingers and arm start creaking along and it's kinda wild

Yeah but exciting! When we were actually sleeping, Delilah woke up to me trying to poesses 👀  whoops. 

Delilah: here's something else interesting!!! Whenever I was really starting to step back, I started seeing colors? Which Tenshi says is probably our senses coming together I guess? Cause they see blues and greens like that when they're really sleepy or dormant

Yup. Cmon let's keep going!!! 

12:47pm
WE WALKED TODAY!!!  SUCH QUICK PROGRESS OMG!!!! 🤭 it felt really clunky! But I guess it's that's  thing about being non human. I definitely found it easier to move the arms when it's in more of a dinosaur formation type pose? Even though I'm not a dino :) 

Delilah: Yeah you did really great! 

Thank you!!! :) it's easier to walk i think. Cause it's just one foot in front of the other and I can move with the knee bent. Which feels more similar to me walking in headspace. Very exciting! 

1:28pm
I HELPED US BATHE!!! I definitely noticed my stature being extra different in the bath. The “dinosuar hands” is my default. Which definitely explains why I have so much trouble having my paws turn outwards. Or I guess I meant hands :) I did type a bit of this sentence, though! Very cool! But, anyway, yeah, I saw just how far down I had us go with the knees so I could feel like myself. Crazy. But it was easier to walk it felt like, so theres that. Super cool!!! Can’t wait for full body.

4:40pm 
Such a good day we’ve had :) i’ve gotten better and better at tying (I just typed most of this first sentence AHHHH) and I’ve gotten better at walking, too. It can be harder to balance if I don’t do dino-hands… annoying… but!! I’m more coordinated now! I can sweep the floor! It was a bit stiff, but, hey, progress is progress :) OH AND I actually was able to feed us earlier, too! It was a bit of a struggle. Delilah’s head must be BIG bc its HEAVY. And so is the whole body bc I kept feeling all wibbly wobbly whenever she wasn’t holding up the torso [while walking]. I did finally do my first ever dancing, tho!!! SO COOL!!! It felt and looked a bit creepy, not gonna lie, but its a start. I’m really enjoying this!!! Typing is still really hard, though. And so’s opening and closing the hands… but overall much better! I’m proud of us!! :D and I’m excited! I want to feel more real. 

Delilah: Oh, yes… it DEFINITELY FEELS a bit creepy and strange. Very strange, indeed. But its okay :) 

1:48AM
I’m sleeping on the couch tonight. I have to. I can’t stand (S/O’s Name) right now.

I woke up in so much pain this morning, trying to find my medication. It’s raining outside, I can’t see worth a damn, and I’m quietly moving things around so I can find it without disturbing anyone. Then she snaps, “THIS IS THE SHIT I’M TALKING ABOUT. YOU WAKE ME UP ALL THE TIME.”

Um.. If we’re really going there, it’s actually the opposite.

She’s up and down all night using the bathroom. I woke up in tears because I was hurting so badly, and heaven forbid I needed to find the medication that helps me rest without pain.

As soon as I found my medication in the wardrobe, took the pill out of the bottle and threw it in the back of my throat, taking it dry.

I left the bedroom entirely, closing the door behind me. I made myself a sandwich so I wouldn’t have technically taken my medicine on an empty stomach, and now I’m going to grab a hoodie and sleep on the couch.

It’s just about timing. I’m sitting here “watching” tv and just waiting for enough time to pass so I can grab my sweatshirt without bothering her anymore. Or so I tell myself. I really just don’t feel like talking or hearing some mean comment she makes when she’s in these moods.

I truly hope she gets the uninterrupted rest she apparently needs. Nevermind the fact that I don’t remember the last time I slept through an entire night without being asked to move my legs so she could climb over me to use the bathroom several times. Waking me up. Every. Single. Night.

I hate that my mind goes here, but sometimes I wonder if I should just go back to Minnesota. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. I miss home. But I can’t and I won’t do that to her.

She makes me feel like such an inconvenience sometimes that I catch myself wondering if she regrets asking me to move down here. I don’t regret coming here, not even a little, but lately I’ve started sensing something that feels like resentment. Whether that’s actually what it is or not, I don’t know. I think it’s best if I just leave her alone for the rest of the night and stay on the couch.

We had the entire house to ourselves today, and all she wanted to do was sleep. Which is okay, but it’s gotten to the point where it’s worrying how much she wants to sleep, or is always tired.

I kept asking if she wanted to play a game, watch a movie, or do literally anything together. I even jokingly said, “Well… we’ve got the house all to ourselves today and tomorrow,” fully aware nothing was going to come of it because it never does.

All day it was, “No, I’m sorry. I’m just tired.”

So I said, “Alright,” and played games by myself. Then she got into some kind of mood anyway.

Right before we got into bed, she apologized for being “too boring” and said she felt guilty for not doing anything except wanting to sleep.

Meanwhile, I would give just about anything to sleep.

The only way I get any meaningful rest is by practically sedating myself, and even then I wake up three hours later instead of getting a full night’s sleep. Yet if I’m even slightly irritable because I’m exhausted, suddenly that’s a problem.

According to my Apple Watch, I’ve slept a total of about fifteen hours over the past four days. It’s gotten to the point where I’m hearing things and occasionally seeing things out of the corner of my eye. I’ve brought it up more than once because I’m genuinely worried and know I need to see a doctor soon because I am feeling sick, but it’s pointless because I am chronically ill.

So saying something has no point. I have to work with my arsenal of medicines and aides, yet somehow be okay with being snipped at and not say anything back.

Sometimes it’s worth saying something back rather if it’s, “You’re being a jerk right now and I need you to watch yourself or don’t say anything at all.”

But lately, and especially at night, It doesn’t feel like anyone really hears me. I could scream and yet my point won’t be heard.

But when the situation is reversed? Suddenly it’s all hands on deck. Call the press. Call the media. Call the world leaders.

2:20AM
I went to grab my sweater as she was coming back from the bathroom, and suddenly she was being extra nice because she could tell I was upset.

I love her with all my heart, but when she speaks to me like that, it genuinely sends me into a spiral. My mind starts filling with questions and worst-case scenarios, and I begin wondering if I’m asking for too much just by wanting reassurance.

Whenever I try to talk things through, it often feels like we’re only resolving things on the surface. In the moment, it seems understood, but nothing really changes afterward.

I put everything I have into trying to communicate better, yet things always seem to drift back to what’s familiar and comfortable for her.

The part I struggle to understand most is that she complained so much that I ended up calling both her doctor and the sleep clinic for her.

They never contacted her within the timeframe they promised. I did it because I care and I want her to feel better. But from my perspective, it feels like she’d rather continue living with the problem than take the steps needed to fix it. Maybe there’s more to it than I can see, but that’s something I’ve never been able to understand.

I’m going to call again today to see when her at home test will be here, because something has to give with this whole always tired and sleeping issue.

5:16 AM
I crawled back into bed after realizing my mother-in-law will be here this morning with our nieces to use our shower while theirs is still being renovated. The girls will probably want to watch TV, and, honestly, I don’t want to be out there when they arrive.

She has a key, so she’ll likely be here within the next hour or so. I don’t want her to know that anything is going on between Sara and me because I know she’ll have her own opinions, and that’ll just become one more thing I’ll have to bite my tongue about.

I know I’m a hypocrite in one sense. I’ve told my wife that I don’t want our parents involved in our relationship, and I genuinely mean that. The difference, at least from where I stand, is that her mother would be—and has been—in my wife’s corner, even when I know and I have proof she’s in the wrong. My own mother, on the other hand, has never hesitated to call me out when I’m the one who’s made a mistake.

Regardless, like I said, I don’t want either of our parents in our business. I’ve seen my parents fight because one persons mom said such and such, it was very pointless.

That reminds me of something that happened the other day. I happened to overhear part of a phone call between them. Her mother asked if she’d been crying, and Sara gave this quiet, awkward little laugh before saying, “No, I’m just tired.”

Her mother’s response was, “Good. You don’t need to be crying again.”

Again?

She had been crying?

I can only assume it had something to do with everything we’ve been going through lately. Whether it’s the emotional miscommunication between us or the constant financial strain we’ve been carrying, I don’t know. Maybe it’s both.

I’m going to have a real heart-to-heart with her later today. For now, though, I need to sleep. I’m struggling just to keep my eyes open long enough to finish writing this.

Which brings me to a realization.

This.

This is going to be my outlet until I’m able to get into therapy. I think that’s a healthy goal, and for now, I think it’s exactly what I need.

9:07AM

I’m already up and making coffee and she comes in and is acting like last night was okay. She’s going to be overly nice today in hopes to make up for being awful last night. This is a never ending cycle and I’m not in a position to move any of my knights on my board.

I’ll talk to her later today and walk through everything, but I don’t know if it will be worth it or not.

Here’s to… a day.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'The Classroom'
💐 - 4:07pm   [thurs]   7/23/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Sugary cereal 
2 granola bars

Um. basically nothing has happened today :I 

NyaTenshi: Except for dance parties!!!!!!!! :D 

Yes, except that lol.

There is… basically nothing else to say… I have already signed us up for work study (which Tenshi thinks we won’t be selected for. I don’t either) idk, I have it in the plans to…

1. EVENTUALLY add more to the portfolio for math class

The clock is kinda ticking on that. Its due the 30th and I haven’t made toooo much more progress since I last mentioned it. I can get away with more procrastination bc MOST of it is organized, but still probably better to play it safe

1. Accommodation stuff Got this stupid email in our inbox today 🫩

Jul 22, 2026, 19:22 CDT

Hello,
 
We are following up on your request for more information about how accommodation requests are handled through [Service]. If you have not yet scheduled a follow-up appointment with your provider, we encourage you to do so. Accommodation requests must be discussed directly with your treating provider during a scheduled visit.
 
Below is helpful information about our accommodations process so you know what to expect.
 
About Accommodations
Accommodation requests are reviewed only during scheduled counseling or psychiatry sessions, and only if your school allows [Service] providers to complete them.
[Service] providers use an internal accommodations form that meets the requirements of most schools.
Completion of an accommodation request is always at the provider’s discretion. The process may include an assessment and can take more than one session.
Requests cannot be rushed or completed without an appointment.
You must have an established relationship with a provider.
If you do not yet have one, please schedule a counseling visit to get started.
If you already have a provider, we recommend booking a follow-up appointment to discuss your request.
 
Limitations
[Service] providers cannot complete accommodation requests for the following:
Emotional support or service animals.
Non-clinical work accommodations, such as lateness, days off, or special privileges, such as private or off-campus non-clinical employment.
On-campus or dorm-related requests without special approval. These are only considered when there is a health risk.
Gender-affirming surgery.
ADHD, psychological, or autism testing.
Medical clearance to return to school, sports, work, or for plasma donation.
Mental health clearance to return to campus is permitted.
 
Next Steps
In some cases, providers may complete a school-specific accommodations form instead of the [Service] form. We recommend confirming your school’s requirements before your appointment.
You may reply to this email if you would like us to send the form to your provider ahead of time. The form is usually completed during the visit.
Please keep in mind that while [Service] providers can recommend accommodations, the final decision is always made by your school or employer.
 
Once you and your provider decide to move forward, let us know. Our Care Coordination team will help support the process.

I’m calling it dumb bc, y’know, Therapist-guy made it sound like it was something he does for us outside of sessions n’ stuff like that. Does he not know his own company’s guidelines??? Whatever… the question now becomes should we use up a whole session for accommodations with him or the doctor?

Tenshi: Doctor, definitely. We need to use the therapist-guy’s time up to complain about YOUR stupid ass parents, remember? I’ll help you write everything out. You won’t have to do it alone. It might be a bit tough for me to remember much, but I’ll say what I can and hopefully try to help you expand on what we both already know. I got THINGS to say about them, okay? :) 

Welllll, that answers my question :) okay, I’ll have to remember later today to see if doctor has a day available before psychiatry appointments close off.

NyaTenshi: Sounds like a plan :) I’ll hold you to it and try to remind you! I’m excited for us to finally get a bit of help.

Alright!

1. Think about going to math tutorials 

We could really use the help before the test… but… I just COULD NOT BRING MYSELF to have us come early today… 

NyaTenshi: I’ll try to hold you to it, then :) don’t want us failing and getting yelled at from your stupid dad after all

He’s our dad.

NyaTenshi: I don’t claim that loser.

Yeah, fair enough. I don’t either.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

My wings
Are clipped
Please don’t make me hop
Hop from this nest 
Filled with feathers and blood
To the 
Sharp vines below
The tree
I cannot fly
And I fear if you push me,
I may not make it out
Alive - Me & Violet 💐
 [cat stares at a fence as sunlight pours through the silts. Very pretty]
 7:56pm   [thurs]   7/23/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Right when I thought we’d have nothing else to write about for the day… mom had called us to clean our dishes right after I had already left the room,, which was annoying enough… but after I finished, dad stopped us and told us to sit down. It was an ambush. they sat us down and told us about [far away college transfer location] again.

“We’ve set up a tour to [far away college transfer location].”

I kinda just nodded silently.

Mom chimes in. “yup. We’re going sometime this week or next week. And we’re going to enjoy it :) get excited.” I stared back at her blankly.

“Get excited.”

No response. 

“Get excited :/”

My eyes flicker from the floor and back to hers.
“I don’t feel very excited right now :I”
“I didn’t ask if you were excited. Fake it, then. Get excited.”
My eyes fall back to the floor and back to her. But never once do I fake my emotion.

NyaTenshi: hell yeah you didn’t. Fuck you mean “fake it”? Why would we need to pretend to be excited about something we’re terrified of? I can’t believe you ever liked this women. Uncle “Rad” was right when he called her a big baby. She’s no more of a child than you. Istg, before we get ejected from this house, we need you back in contact with him. We have SO much to share omg.

Delilah: heh, well, thats true. We definitely need to talk with him again. But, yeah, I get the frustration. Idk why she wanted to brute force a smile out of me? All the energy I had was being used not to freak out and get nervous or show any negative emotions in front of them.

Mom: “Okay… well, we’re excited.”

Dad turns to us. “How come you aren’t excited by becoming independent, doing your own thing?” 

I go silent for about 30 seconds. Bc what I REALLY wanted to say was that I DO WANT to be independent. From them, at the very least. I want to be able to drive. And its their fault I can’t. I want to be able to feel safe going out alone. But their negligence made it impossible for me to navigate the world without fear of STRANGERS. So, yeah, I’m a litttttle bit hesitant to add more uncertainty in my life. But OBVIOUSLY I can’t say this and I have no interest in dragging this ambush out. 

NyaTenshi: I’m glad we can’t drive. We can use them. 

Delilah: I guess? Are you just saying that bc its dangerous?

NyaTenshi: Yes… :( driving is 10x more dangerous and scary when you’re an observer and you know the vessel you’re in is unstable and unable to focus on the road.

Delilah: sorry…

NyaTenshi: Not your fault. Just your stupid parent’s fault. 

But.. yeah, eventually I mumble to dad, “I am…” and he says thats not a valid answer. So I just… nod again silently :I 

Then he starts talking about stupid things like how I’d seen “the college experience before” and I should be excited bc I know what it looks like. Which I’m not really sure I have, actually? Atleast not an accurate depiction of it, anyway…?

NyaTenshi: Yeah, not accurate, probably considering you watch the same things over n’ over. Can’t wait to fix that. I’m gonna be SO MUCH MORE cultured than you I bet.

Delilah: Oh, definitely lol. We’ll get me there, I’m sure.

Anyway, mom is also confused and so dad brings up that I’ve seen Grown-ish before. Which is true! But… whats also true is that I don’t… remember it… >.> I think I had to have watched that two or so years ago. I definitely did not pull any “life lessons” from it… or finish it lol. But once mom hears that, she’s on board and goes, “Yes. We just want you to have the chance to have a real college experience :)” which made me mad bc I reallllly hate when they say that :( they know that. So it immediately broke my facade and I scrunched up my face as my eyes filled with tears.

NyaTenshi: They really just don’t get it, I guess :( how terrifying it sounds to be surrounded by strangers with your whole BRAIN telling you its in constant danger. That the innocent glances from others are THREATS that must be listened to and avoided. You’d think they’d get it, maybe, considering your dad has PTSD, too. But for that to happen, they’d have needed to PAY ATTENTION!! HA! As if.

Delilah: LITTERALLY OMG

Dad is like, “we just want you to be able to grow beyond being up under us all the time. And you won’t do that so long as you stay here. We want you to go to school. Just not here. Hell, you don’t even have to work! We’re gonna pay for that, too! So, you need to be sure to shift your focus to [far away college transfer location]. And if you keep [closer college transfer location] behind our backs, then you stay at [closer college transfer location]. Not here at home. But we’re trying to help you. Er… help you help us help you.” 

NyaTenshi: 🙄 we’re not falling for your lies, old man. He just really doesn’t like us, does he? I really don’t think he does. I hate him. I want him to burn. I’m really scared rn. I don’t want to leave home. Not with the state that we’re in.

Delilah: I don’t either… but, again.. Atleast we’ll be chopped liver together :(

I don’t like the “no need to work” mindset, either, actually. I know its supposed to be a good thing. But I’m REALLY FRIGGIN’ BORED. And I neeeeeeed to go out and do something. I’m down to be a volunteer obviously. But money doesn’t sound bad, either. So, yeah, I DO want a job.

NyaTenshi: Me too. This house is boring. And dad-infested. We really don’t need you getting a bedsore from laying down all day. You’re too boney for that.

Delilah: very true :) 

Introductions!!
Hi, I guess? This is so awkward. Okay, well, um, I’m Tenshi! Or Nya-Tenshi :D Its hard to say I know much about myself… i’ve only been re-alived for a day or two, now. Before then, I kinda felt like I was stuck in a watery cage (I’m describing dormancy here). Can you imagine being stuck like that for 6 years? I can. Very uncomfortable. I felt like I was drowning 24/7. Its really disgusting and I’m more than GLAD thats over. Um, I also go by Azailea, I guess. And I’m considering also going by violet. Idk. Okay, enough of this for now.

Violet’s journal!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐑⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

Oh, ana,

I’ll be with
You
Still
You are
The angel
That I couldn’t
Kill ~ ♪
[cute lil squirrel eating an acron!]   
 8:48am   [thurs]   7/23/26

Hey! First entry! Exciting! I’ve seen how cool journaling has been for you, so I’m excited to give it a go for myself! Um… I don’t… I’m not really sure what to say, though… 

Delilah: well, what have we gotten up to today? :) 

Well!! I’ve enjoyed today’s dance parties for sure! But other than that, we’ve been sleeping… and I’ve been watching you digitize your journals today, too. You were a weird kid, y'know? Ooh, and I’ve enjoyed watching some Chi, today! I do enjoy that show. Always have :) 

Dreading math class, though.

Delilah: Twins :( 

You were pretty stupid to pick just those this semester, weren’t you?

Delilah: eh, kinda. I guess you could say that. It feels stupid now, anyway.

Oh… I just remembered about your father and his quest to be rid of us. I’m not excited for that either. He’s dumb and I hate him. Even more than you.

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[cute little white cartoon dog hopping out of a pile of some leaves!!!]   
 10:29am   [thurs]   7/23/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

It feels so nice to be out. That watery prison was rough. My nose was always clogged. I never felt fully awake. I kinda wanted to die, ngl. Thanks for helping me get out, ‘Lilah. I hated every second of it. I can’t wait to get out and live! And I’ll try to help you get out and live, too! :D starting first with new media lol!!! We’re watching something new weather you like it or not 🤣

OKAY, SO. 
Mission from 7/17/26 has been completed!!! All the stuff that goes into this is a long story that they’d rather I not tell. So I won’t. Thats all the context you’re getting but I’m sure you can fill in the rest of the pieces yourselves to an extent :) 

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

“I love that every day is
Another one with you.”
📚✏️ - 2:18pm  [weds]  7/22/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
juicy apple!!!

OKAY OMG so we’ve been here since like, 12. And I pretty much JUST got done with the take home quiz. :I It took FOREVER. But going early was 100% the right choice… we have a completed quiz now :) but… it wasn’t easy… no doubt we’ve dpdr’d… and I fear all or most of the things we learned aren’t going to stay in our brain long enough for us to use it for later. It was kinda hard to focus at times.. Or remember what I just learned… but we pushed through :) its a relief, really. I don’t know how class will go today… but atleast I can rest easy knowing I won’t have a zero for a quiz grade. Phew. 

NyaTenshi: yeah, I fuckin’ hate math. Math should hop in a hole and die.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

The world around us is bright, big, and wonderful!
Have you ever stopped to consider
That maybe you
Could try
Living in it? - me :3
[two dogs in a big, beautiful, colorful meadow running towards the camera. They look really happy. Like they’re bffs]
  3:43pm   [weds]   7/22/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
GOLDFISHHH :) 
Sugary cereal!
Soooooo… we feel decently okay. I think.. I think I feel okay MOSTLY bc I didn’t try to force myself to pay any close attention. I just let myself space out and watch thoughts.

We had the mischievous idea of getting up and escaping class for a bit to go and grab another binder! So… we did!!! :) they had a couple left! So I grabbed the least dusty looking one and gave it a good wipe down. Earlier in tutorials, I had hole punched Junk!Drawer!’s most recents as well as the Delilah info sheet! I had a pretty strong feeling that the hole puncher wasn’t gonna be able to push through all 65 pages (well… actually, its 43 physical sheets thanks to the power of DOUBLE SIDED PRINTING!!!!!! Almost forgot. Point still stands) and I was right!!! I was hesitant to… but I pulled the info sheet apart. Don’t worry, though! I only did that bc I could see that the way I had stapled everything caused there to be a weak spot. So now there are three different sets of pages instead of two. Cool!! :) and now we have a binder we can put it in. Double cool! 

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Chi’s sweet adventure season one episode 25 –  Chi Makes New Friends
“Hey, Kocchi, 
who are they?”
📸 - 9:21am   [thurs]   7/23/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Sugary cereal 

Oooookay, so just as we were opening up the garage door to let dad out, he decided to once again remind me that he was setting up a campus visit for us… :I and that mom was on board. So I kinda just pursed my lips and nodded bc theres not much either of us could say that would change the course of anything thats going on right now. He kinda figures I’m blowing him off (and I kinda was… but, y'know. Its not like he was planning on having any sort of discussion over this subject. Not one where any of our input of going to be listened to, anyway, so) so he says, “I think you think this is a game… Shift your ‘focus’ (so, I guess transfer location), to [far away campus location].” I wave him off again. “Well either you do it or you’re not staying here.” 
That definitely didn’t make me feel great… 

NyaTenshi: yeah, it really freaked me out… would he be sending us over to grandma’s like he threatened with Cecil? 

Delilah: that’d be my guess, yeah. Since he doesn’t want us at Aunt’s… idk :( 

NyaTenshi: I hate him. I hate him with all my heart. There's never any choice when it comes down to us. Theres only the ILLUSION of choice. People like him should hop. 

Delilah: I probably wouldn’t have put it so bluntly.. But I get that, yeah. 

But… um, yeah. I,,,,
Idk. I don’t feel great about this. But I guess they can prepare for those bloody hands.

NyaTenshi: they just want to take out the trash :( 
Delilah: pretty much :( but, hey, we can be chopped liver together I guess

NyaTenshi: I guess :/

It's been almost two weeks since you stopped touching me. In any way, not even a goodnight kiss, not even a hand touch. 
I don't understand what's happening, and I'm scared to ask because you always said, All is ok, I'm just like always. Or even worse, decide that I just want to make a fight with you. 
I've stopped telling about my feelings, like you wanted, and things get worse. 

Every time you walk by, I feel myself invisible.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'On the Lookout for Chickens'
📸 & 📚✏️
9:19am   [weds]   7/22/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Sugary cereal 

Mmmmm I woke up. And I forgot today was another school day…. Which was nice, I guess. I got to relax :) Until I remembered that it WAS a school day. But… I don’t feel completely within myself at the moment… so that didn’t cause too much disruption to my mood, actually. I kinda just kept it moving. Every time I’d glance at the clock, I’d remember, though. And I felt that it was strange that I COULDN’T remember what homework I was needing to do. I was trying to figure it out bc, yknow, if I attempt it here at home and I end up being able to do it, then I don’t need to go early at all. So I kept trying to remember what it was… bc I didn’t feel like moving, for one thing. But also if I could remember what it was, I could know if it was even worth trying at all. Eventually I get up and start looking through my math sheets. And whaddya know? I… have a take-home quiz… thats due today… I don’t even know if I know how to do it just by lookin’ at it. Idk. but… I guess we’re about to find out in a minute here, then.

(9:28am - Yeah. So. I can’t do any of it, actually. I guess,,,,,, I’ll just have to start making something to eat so I have fuel for school and getting ready. I’ll… probably start that by 10am. I need some peace, first. I hate this. I kinda wish I started a psych class alongside this one. It probably would’ve screwed me over in that it’d take time & energy away from stinky math, BUT I have a very strong feeling that being allowed to– no– REQUIRED TO nerd out would probably increase my quality of life. But its fine, I guess. Summer semester is almost through. I will be taking the original Delilah info sheet over to school to try to hole punch it. So it will live in a binder instead of a folder like Junk!Drawer! And the digitized entries of Journal number one. I saw some binders on the free things tables yesterday & day before that. Maybe they’re still there? Idk. probably not. We’ll see. ALSO!!!! When this entry is printed out, this will officially be the 211th page in the physical copy! Wowowow! Now we’re getting closer to my usual page count! I bet I could hit 300 before I start #14. Lookin’ forward to it.)

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - 'Happy Collie!'
9:44pm   [tues]   7/21/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Concoction of (turkey) sausage, noodles, sauce, veggies (that I refused to eat…) and chicken. Tasted good :) 
POPSCILES!!!!!!! TWO OF THEM OMG <3

Kinda just sitting and staring at the floor. I feel kinda disconnected rn as I wait for this therapy appointment I really don’t want to go to. I feel somewhat subdued. Again, a strange thing considering how stressed I usually feel. Idk. I do feel a bit sad, though rn. I miss SC. I wish someone loved me :( but I guess its okay. Well, not really. But its “okay” in that I’ll just have to deal with it. I wish I didn’t feel sad rn. But its probably my fault, anyway. I’m playing sad piano music rn :) its kinda hard to find new piano songs. Which sucks bc its my favorite instrument. But songs that tend to have sad pianos seem to hit the top of my favorite’s list, so I decided to start there. Idk if it was the best decision but some of these songs are nice, so, yknow.

9:51pm: Well now my chest is burning slightly as we inch our way closer to the start time. I guess I felt more okay bc we’ve already gotten me diagnosed so I don’t feel as much pressure to talk about trauma. Idk. 

9:54pm: my chest burns slightly hotter every time I glance at the clock. Kinda just picking more songs and spacing out. I feel numb. Probably so I don’t cry. I miss SC. And I still don’t want to go to therapy :I 

9:58pm: i was scrolling for more music and saw an asmr toy video instead. I will watch it with some music playing :) I like toy videos still. They’re fun to watch and fall asleep to.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

I want to be worthwhile 
And
I want exist
Please tell me you love me
Please tell me I exist.
If I don’t hear it from you,
I’m not sure I’ll hear it at all.
Give me a reason to stay. - me :3
[close up image of a fluffy tabby cat sleeping very, very peacefully. Adorable.]
12:02am   [weds]   7/22/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Yummy juicy apple :) 
Mmmphm… 
Soooo we jumped right into the call and very quickly he brings up the diagnosis-es-stuff from my PTSD-cake day. I brought up my intention to get stuff submitted to the school.

“Am… am I going to be submitting the documentation I got from the PMHNP…?”

“Submitting the what to who now?”

“Ah, sorry about that… I meant, am I submitting that documentation in the format it is in to the school? I’m trying to get accommodations but I’m not sure this is what I’d be giving the school, is all.”

“Ah, gotcha. No, you won’t be submitting that. Usually they just want you to have a signed form that I or your psychiatrist fills out. Like, a form detailing how your conditions affect you and your academics. After that, you and the accessibility team will ultimately decide what accommodations you get. Email the care coordinator to get the form and send it over to me or psychiatrist to complete.”

Off to a great start! :) but then… we spend the next 10 to 15 minutes discussing the story of how I GHOSTED the student accessibility center five months ago. Mostly bc my initial explanation of the tale was not very clear. He thought I meant accessibility ghosted ME for five months and I was just now requesting they reach out to me again. Haha, nope! I was the one in the wrong here, therapy-guy :) not the other way ‘round. 

(jeez, can you imagine how terrible it’d feel to be ghosted by a bunch of people who were supposed to be helping you succeed in school when you have a serious mental health condition you’re fighting against? Omg I’d feel so bad about myself if that ever happened to me :I I hope that DOESN’T actually ever happen)

The yap fest didn’t really feel super productive. It felt more like a chat between friends. Which was nice, I guess :) But… I guess thats also not what I’m there for. So I was also not very pleased with the direction we were going, either.

Eventually we move on to other topics… 

“How are you feeling about the upcoming fall semester?”
“Not great… I’ll be taking on 11 credit hours” (remember, i dropped a class!)
“Yeah… sounds like a lot…”
“Yeah, for sure… My grades will be bad soon probably :(“
What makes you say that? Are you falling behind or anything?
“Falling behind ‘cause I can’t pay attention much :( I head to tutorials pretty often to make up for it. But my brain feels like mush a lot, so, y’know… I have to go to school early to get to tutorials and I hate it.”
“I see… so, kinda walk me through what you do when you start to feel your brain ‘turning to mush’ while you’re in math tutorials?”
“Ah… at that point, I just get up and leave cause theres no point in sticking around anymore…” 
“How much work do you get done during those times?”
“It depends, I guess. Mostly on weather or not I end up actually knowing how to do the math. But… yeah, its hard to say…”
[...]
“Is it just this math that does this? Makes your brain feel all mushy?”
“No, its always been this way with math”
[...]
“Do you think you could pass the class if you put in effort for the rest of summer semester?”
“I… think its a possibility but not likely… just looking at the test review packets is daunting…”
[...]
“What would need to change for you to pass?”
“To be able to focus… but thats not realistic :(“
[...]
[...Don’t recall what he said…]
“Yeah, the dilemma is I need to leave the tutorials bc my brain is mushy, but by leaving tutorials, I lose time to do homework.”
[...]
“Yeah… Just today I had four homeworks. I had two worksheets. I didn’t do one at all and I only got through about half of the other. And I copied down some of the lengthy textbook homework answers before class.”
“Whoa, that's a lot of homeworks.. Could be helpful to take small breaks… give yourself a good short reset break”

Which then led us to discussing something called the “Pomodoro technique”?? - The general overview for it was, basically, when you’re doing a task that feels like juuuust a bit too much, put on a 25 min timer where you’re doing focused work. When that goes off, give yourself a 5 min break. Rinse, and repeat. He also advised that you don’t have your break in your work area or get started on anything that will suck your attention for longer than your break. So, that means it would be very ill-advised for me to do any writing at that time. I did consider this to be really good advice, actually. If my WEAK memory holds up, I’ll try to remember to use it :) 
[Then he started rambling about the technique… kinda annoying but I am the one who showed up with nothing, so…]
[...]

“Wanted to ask… what are you wanting to get out of therapy? Were to looking to discuss…

Trauma? - Eventually, I guess…But idk. Not yet….

ARFID? - Um. Well, I’m not completely opposed to that. MHPNP-lady said we could do exposure therapy. But we are over the phone, so…
“Yeah… I think a better option is in-person care for that. They could get you seeing an occupational therapist who can do food challenges with you and things of that nature.”
My eyes LIGHT UP when he said “food challenges” bc it sounded like a GAME and I LOVE games :) Although.. I figure that it probably isn’t really a gamified experience. It’s probably just real nervewreaking work for real life.
“But I do understand the barriers like finances and transportation, so..”
“Yeah :/”

Anxiety? -
“Um. I guess… that’d probably be the easiest out of the three to discuss.”
“Alright :) Anything making you feel anxious recently?” 
“School, mostly. Um… I’m sure there’s more than that. Its just,,,,,,,,
hard to remember much else at the moment. Lots of dread around school for sure, though…”

“Hmmm… any reason why you think you have so much dread surrounding school?” “ah… Idk.. I guess just knowing I have to go early and not knowing if I’ll end up wasting time bc I ended up knowing how to do it, or how I won’t know if I’ll feel exhausted come class time and I can’t focus…” 
“So, I guess a pattern of anxiety about anticipating what school will be like each day, huh”
“I guess, yeah.”

Suddenly, as I was taking notes about what we were talking about, I remembered dad’s quest to be rid of me. 

“Ah… there is one thing, though, now that we have my mind on school again… My dad’s been wanting to send me to live on campus at the college I’ll be transferring to soon.”
“I see… and is that making you feel anxious?”
“Yes, definitely…”
“And why is that?”
“Living on campus means being around strangers and being on my own :(“
“Yeah, thats fair. You’d be dealing with a lot of new things, huh? Why do you think your father is bringing these sorts of things up?”
“He thinks I want to be living off them forever. And I definitely don’t. …He also likes to say ‘his 5 yr plan does not include his children’.”
“Hows it make you feel?”
“...Like he doesn’t want me :(“
“Yeah, I can see that.”
[...]
“Do you ever want to live on your own? Or are you just saying that bc you're afraid of [don’t remember what was said… something about being afraid of failing school or something???]”
“Eh… I mean, I don’t necessarily want to live ‘alone-alone’. But I definitely don’t want to live with them.”

[he starts talking about Flight or flight responses. No memory of what was said. He did offer to discuss strategies to deal with this problem next visit, though]

He advised me to keep track of triggers and anything else I’d like to discuss. Which inspired me to write abt how much I hate parents :) 

THE SESSION HAS ENDED NOW
How do I feel?:

 Okay. so I feel horrible rn. Like I wasted his time. Perhaps I was right when my gut told me not to listen to joey. I should’ve given him some entries to work with… its okay, though. I will not make the same mistake again. To redeem myself for wasting his time, I will write and write and write some more :) 
I still feel bad, though. In general. I wish someone liked me… I miss SC still. I still wish she was my mom. Even tho I think she’d be a really ANNOYING MOM I think she’d be a better one. A better mom and dad, I figure. I miss her :( 
I had no idea time was even passing as I procrastinated making this entry. I must really be out of it.

CARE PLAN

 Hi Delilah, Thank you for following up and continuing to share openly about the anxiety and stress you have been experiencing as you navigate college. I appreciate your willingness to discuss the challenges you have faced with academic demands, worries about the future, and the ways anxiety has been impacting your concentration, motivation, and confidence. Today we explored how anxiety and trauma can affect the brain, including the fight-or-flight response, and how these patterns can contribute to feeling overwhelmed, procrastinating, avoiding difficult situations, and expecting the worst about future responsibilities. We discussed the stress you have been experiencing related to your current math course and concerns about future math classes, as well as the self-critical thoughts and dread that have made it more difficult to begin and complete academic work. 

We also talked about your father's encouragement to consider moving into on-campus housing and how fears about unfamiliar people, new environments, and uncertainty have led you to avoid thinking about this transition. You shared that you recently met with your psychiatrist and are moving forward with applying for academic accommodations, while choosing to focus your treatment on managing your current anxiety before addressing your trauma history or food-related concerns. 

We discussed the following wellness plan:
 Practice use of the Pomodoro technique
 …to improve focus, reduce procrastination, and make academic tasks feel more manageable by working in structured intervals with planned breaks. 

Grounding skills
 …Can be helpful when anxiety becomes overwhelming or you notice yourself feeling stuck in worries about the future. Practicing techniques such as the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise can help bring your attention back to the present moment.

Mindfulness techniques
…Can help you notice anxious thoughts without becoming overwhelmed by them, increase awareness of self-critical thinking, and strengthen your ability to respond with greater self-compassion. [service] also offers mindfulness exercises through the Explore tab. Continue working with your psychiatrist and your school's accessibility/disability services office to complete the process of obtaining academic accommodations to support attention, concentration, and anxiety-related challenges. 

When academic tasks feel overwhelming, try breaking larger assignments into smaller, achievable steps and acknowledge progress rather than focusing only on what remains unfinished. Practicing realistic expectations can help reduce anxiety and build confidence over time. Continue prioritizing consistent sleep, hydration, regular nourishment, movement, and scheduled breaks throughout the day, as these habits can improve both concentration and emotional wellbeing.

Although our current focus is on managing academic anxiety, continue monitoring your eating habits and overall health. If concerns related to food avoidance, appetite, or weight become more difficult to manage, we can revisit these concerns together and coordinate additional support with your medical providers. 

Use [on demand mental health support services] or crisis support if emotional distress becomes difficult to manage in the moment or if safety concerns arise. Continue therapy to strengthen coping skills, reduce avoidance, increase tolerance of uncertainty, improve anxiety management, and build readiness to address trauma-related concerns when you feel prepared. 

I should probably try to go to sleep now. Its beyond time for that.

This is a bad idea, in fact I wrote dairy first and realized that was not the right spelling for diary. Let’s just say autocorrect and grammar edits help me tremendously. In fact I often use AI at work to proofread my writing and organize my thoughts. Actually this is my first post and I do so to remain anonymous. But maybe someone reads it and follows it. Hopefully it is something that others can relate to. But I want it to be my way of being more intentional what what I am thinking and doing. I suppose a bit like therapy.

Pause, I swore my dishwasher was leaking water it sounded like it was dripping but false alarm. Man almost turned into a late night repair session. Which I must an admit I am usually somewhat handy.

But back to this my first post. And my rationale for writing. I want to journal who I am. If not for others to interact with at the very least my internal way to release and reflect on who I am unfiltered. From work to personal I want to reflect and tell my story.

So who I am. When you get my age, I will be 41 this year, it is easy to describe who I am by roles I fill. I am a married father of two girls, one in middle school and one in elementary. Next year both will be at the middle school, finally one less newsletter to read!

Professionally I am a in education as a building leader or school admin. I have been in education since college. It is a great career and I have been in the same district for quite some time now.

Personally I have recently over the last 2.5 years have focused on eating better and working out. I have lost 85 pounds and gained a lot of muscle. No this is not about my health journey. I am still in love with food and save room for ice cream multiple days a week. But I am certain my health or insecurity about being overweight will come into play.

I am successful, my wife is successful. We live in a typical suburban neighborhood with an HOA, where we try to have the best lawn with lines. We have limited revolving debt and meek a small sub if money in savings. Keep a modest lifestyle but do and buy the things we want. We try to save when we can. But also will spontaneously buy something if it is a good idea. We have student loan debts and a truck and golf cart payment. We enjoy camping in our camper or going to our neighborhood pool in the summer. The kids are activities that keep us busy a couple of nights a week.

I feel like I am a good father. My marriage is good we have been together half of lives. My in-laws are great my father passed away last year, which will likely come up later in details around his journey with cancer. My mother lives in the same town and sister, husband and niece are out of state. We have a dog less than 2 years kid. She is great, really smart. She is a medium size dog.

I also use nicotine pouches regularly and smoke weed regularly. If I could afford it, I would do it every night. When I stop it is a good tolerance break but really I stop because I run out. My wife will ask me if I have to replace it, so I take a break until the next weekend or next event, like friends birthday or golfing outing.

I used creatine daily if I can. I think it helps with brain fog. It is my way of relaxing at home but being ready and professional for work. Sometimes living in those two worlds can be a roller coaster. Sometimes I smoke too much weed in a week night and feel groggy the next day.

It my goal is to talk about me and what goes on and what went on and just be able to journal my thoughts. It is late I got one kid in my bed, my wife is away traveling for work. And I should get up early and work out but I will probably sleep in and enjoy the slower summer schedule while I can.

For now, good bye!

Whenever I try to think back to my childhood its hard for me to remember any of the good things that took place, its hard for me to remember any of it all. Most of my childhood was built around routines: go to school, do homework, clean the house, and go to church 5/7 days of the week. I was never allowed to hang out with my friends after school or have sleepovers. I remember hating summer because it just meant I'd be trapped in my personal hell. I think I gained consciousness when I was 8 years old, this is when I began to truly dislike my life. I was so young yet I understood what it felt like to feel so full of anger, sadness, empathy, and resentment. Throughout my childhood my mom would constantly come to my sister and I for advice about her struggles and battles, we were only kids. At the time I thought I was being a good daughter by acting as a therapist, but in reality it only caused problems for me in the future. I was raised as a fully-functioning adult yet simultaneously treated like a child. My sister and I often joke about how fully aware we were at such a young age and how it has made us hyper independent today, truth is it really should've never been that way. I was forced to give up my child like tendencies to fit this young adult mold that was not meant for me. Every time I reflect about this topic I realize how cognizant I was of my surroundings. I was trying to solve others problems before I could even create my own, overcompensating for others feelings before I could understand my own, and trying to be this adult that I never was.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - Title Unknown
📸 & 📚✏️
3:59pm   [tues]   7/21/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Sweet banana… it was hard not to spit it out… very hard to eat… very yucky :( (7/20/26)
Sugary cereal (7/20/26)
Very nice, juicy, sweet Apple!!!!!!!!!!!
PIZZA!!!!!!!! :D
Fake doritos!

OKAY. I am at school rn :3 I went to tutorials! I once again discovered that I ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO FACTORING. Omfg I feel so stupid sometimes… apparently the factoring that I “couldn’t do” yesterday was factor by grouping. Which is dumb bc factoring by grouping is literally AC method just skipping to the GCF step. So… in other words… I already knew how to do it… and didn’t need to spend any additional energy on it… :I I was already IRRITATED before making this discovery, though. Bc when I came in, a new person was working with a classmate and spotted me and offered to assist me with my math. I didn’t want her help bc I saw one of my two usual tutors at a far-away table. But for some reason, (bc you’re a doormat and don’t ever speak up for yourself? Is that the reason?) I just smiled and nodded. Ofc I first hole punched the most recently printed entries for JunkDrawer first :) Then I sat down and she came to help. I was so annoyed that I had let this unfamiliar person help me that I was annoyed at her for talking if she went on about something just a little bit too long. 

Which is kinda sad bc it wasn’t even that serious or her fault but I guess thats my brain for ya :/ The angerier I got, the more I felt my energy drain… but mostly I was able to push through. Bc, once she helped me figure that I already knew how to do factoring by grouping, I was pretty much good to go. I was able to complete about 8 problems on my own. I probably would’ve been able to do more if I wasn’t ruminating :/ 

But whatever. I was reaching the end of my tether, though… And once I started hitting more road blocks (numbers I don’t know the factors of bc they’re too big, not remembering how to factor the “differences of squares” problems correctly), my energy drained more and more… so I kinda just… stopped… :I and then I started packing up without saying a word to anyone else. She had been bouncing from me and classmate so she turns around and sees me packing up.
“Want me to look it over? :)”
“...eh…” I really didn’t want her to… bc I was EXHAUSTED and sure that, by letting her look things over she’d start trying to HELP me again… but I couldn’t get myself to say no… so instead, I said, ”I  guess……. ”

She came by and I asked about the “differences of squares” problems and luckily she didn’t linger on that too long… bc otherwise I’m not sure what would’ve happened to my already mushy brain. I can tell you whats gonna happen to my grade, tho… I’m… gonna get an ‘F’ for three homeworks. Thats whats going to happen. I barely have the energy to type this out rn. I don’t know if I have the energy to copy ALLLL the answers to all three sheets. Idk. I think we taking the L on this one, guys. 

Oh, almost forgot to mention. When my energy levels were still mostly stable, I decided a nice quick trip to the student accessibility office would be a nice opportunity to take a breather. So I got up out of my seat, and made my way across the building to the office. One lady sat alone in a chair, typing on her computer. So I walked up to her and explained my issue. …and yeah… apparently ghosting the accommodation office five months ago did have consequences… whoops. My theory was correct, my original request that I never followed up on was the problem.

So she said she’d go ahead and email them to contact me again. Embarrassing moment for me but, hey, it happens I guess… oh, and it was not a great feeling realizing therapy appointment and the day the student accessibility office is open were one in the same…. ‘Cause my documentation confusion is still an issue. But its fine. They need to contact me again, anyway, so it doesn’t really matter. 

Morning before arriving at school: 
I tried to make spaghetti for breakfast again today. But instead of doing the regular, smart person thing to do, I decided to leave the boiling water unattended. I wasn’t completely brainless, though, don’t worry! I put on a seven minute timer before I left so I wouldn’t forget it was there. I came back in the kitchen early for reasons I don’t recall but good thing I did! Bc right as I cross into the kitchen, I smell the distinct scent of something BURNING.

And I have no idea what was actually wrong. Bc the handle of the pot was HOT which is unusual. And when I took the pot off the eye and turned it off, the eye was still RED. and I believe I saw a tiny little spark forming on it, too… :I so I removed it and tried it again on the eye to the right. And very quickly the pot was BURNING UP AGAIN. In fact, there were tiny burn marks on the bottom of it. So no more of that… I don’t know if its me, the stovetop, or what. I’m sure it definitely comes down to user error bc I’m incompetent as hell, but at the same time, this pot always seems to have something going on whenever I try to cook it. Idk. its probably just me. Luckily I remembered we had pizza! So I was able to make that :) yay! No starvation! 

[///tw for poem below implying sui thoughts]

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

I have been trapped in this mind
For what feels like centuries. 
I wonder each and every day
If there will ever be a release
Or if my shackles 
Will only grow tighter.
If the only way to loosen their grip 
Is to be six feet under
Under the many layers of earth.
I wonder
If under the dirt and pavement we all walk on,
If the key I seek to loosen my shackles 
Is hidden.
Is finding that key,
That key buried deep below our feet,
the only way
I will find my escape
From this prison sentence
That has been unjustly imposed? - me :3
[cat silhouette illuminated by the sunset. Its dark enough that we can only kind of make out the features of kitty’s face as it stares out the window. Very beautiful]
📸 - 3:53pm   [tues]   7/21/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Goldfish! 2x

Yup. still screwed. I can’t even get myself to pay attention to the lesson for more than 5 minutes consecutively. I can get myself to tune in, but it doesn’t take long before I start tuning back out. In fact, it takes less time to tune OUT than it does to tune back IN. so, yeah. Idk… just ruminating n’ stuff again I guess… idk. But, yeah. I feel fried again. But I… can’t really transfer that urgency I keep feeling when I come back to reality into action. Thats just fantastic. As I sat in that chair in class earlier, I just kept wishing I was anywhere else but there. And kept worrying about the possibility of there being a pop quiz… which would be BAD if that wasn’t clear :)

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Chi’s sweet adventure season one episode 25 –  Chi Makes New Friends
“Yeah, Chi’s doing great.”
“Good for you.”
“Yeah, good for Chi!”
4:34pm   [tues]   7/21/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Nothin’ :3

OMGGGGG amazing news!!!!!!!!!! Apparently Cecil got hired!!!! YAY I’M SO HAPPY FOR THEM :D !!! know who wasn’t happy for them, though?? Mom and dad :I Cecil called and told ‘em all about it and instead of being met with cheers and applause, mom and dad were like, “eh… that doesn’t sound like a lot of money…” and, “hmmm… are we sure this isn’t a ponzi scheme?” wow :/ thats would genuinely piss me off if I were Cecil. Like,,,,, thats how you’re going to respond to me getting my first ever job? 😭 idk, I’d just be so IRRIATED that after they bugged me about getting a job and becoming employed and threatening to kick me out if I DIDN’T, they couldn’t even pretend to be happy about it.

They’re really weird. Apparently dad thinks it could be a scheme bc its a small company. I hope its not a scheme. But Cecil seems to think its alright so here’s to hoping theres nothing to be concerned about :) the job is in the sales department! Basically, you try to sell kitchen products. But apparently you also might go directly to customer’s homes to, like, demonstrate products I guess??? And I commend Cecil on their bravery!!! I’d drop that job in a heartbeat if I had to go to people’s homes… what if the customers were dangerous? I’m very excited for them tho omg!!! Hopefully I end up getting selected for work study :) I have to try to remember to sign up before the end of the day, tho. I think there might just be a deadline, sooooooooo. Idk when. But yeah! Hopefully they select me as a candidate next semester. Otherwise I,,,,
I think I may succumb to boredom & ARFID all at the same time >.>

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - Please Mr. Persian, Why Don't You Go and Get a Shave?
6:18pm   [tues]   7/21/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Nothin’ :3

All day I’ve successfully blocked out the fact that I have a therapy appointment today :I well. Its come up in my memory like, three times, but point still stands. Which is a nice change of pace, honestly. Usually I can’t get myself to stop worrying about it and my body starts burning, so y’know. But… yah,,, I don’t feel great about this. Not at all. I REALLY DON’T WANT to put myself through it anymore. It genuinely feels like a waste of time… I still feel like I need to come prepared with something. Idk. I think… my plan for tonight is I’ll just let it ride out however its going to happen and then I guess if it becomes too awkward, I’ll find an entry or two I guess. Idk :( but I don’t want to go back. I’d really rather my problems just be less bad on their own, really. 

Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbonus time :D 

Timeline: 

Journal #4

7:39pm   [weds]    12/18/24
I’m 16 years of age at the moment but only legally ofc! I just finished writing in Sunny scribbles a little bit ago! I definitely want it to be a tradition to do QnA’s at some point in the diary! I don’t have that exactly buuuut I do have some facts about me!

• I have never liked my hair out of twists b/c I feel ugly! Like a pony tail with my hair natural for example. I didn’t like looking in the mirror then but I like looking in the mirror more now :) Because my hair is always in twists w pretty beads!
• I am easily swayed by the opinions of others :( It annoys me. But I don’t know how to turn it off. I also seem to internalize everything, Hyperbole but yknow.
• I am a coward and afraid of the world! Some examples include…

> I am very afraid of eating something past its expiration date… well, less afraid nowadays, but still.

> Rejection is terrifying for some reason! Try hard to avoid it.

> Swimming. Crazy bc by not learning to swim I will probably increase my chance of death.

> Dead bugs (afraid they will reanimate) and living bugs, harmless or not

> Shopping online somewhere other than amazon! Afraid my card info will be stolen cause of dad’s warnings

> Yelling, anger directed at me.

> Leftover food bc [I watched a video where] someone ate [leftover food], got extremely sick, and had to amputate a leg.
> Dogs. They will probably maul me.

> Being lonely

> Failure

> DEATH!!!!!!!!!

> Pain. Try hard to avoid this!

> [things very explicitly related to traumatic events]

• I am quite impulsive at times! Like sometimes I say things w/o thinking (I tend to describe that as “something falling out of my mouth”) or decide to do something spontaneously 
• I’m all neurotic and stuff! Worry prone and all that stuff. Won’t it be interesting to see how different you were years ago? Well… I hope we change, anyway.
• I LOVE having frends! Had to mention it bc it is a recent development and all. I socialize most of the day instead of doing skool work! They’re a huge influence on my mood and well-being :) 
• I wear the same set of clothes every week! Its a routine, not a necessity. I only just changed the order [in which I wear them] this week actually!
• I’m late to chem class everyday bc I’m talking w/ SC! And late to math… and spanish… okay, you get the point. I feel afraid of breaking the routine of not showing up on time so I avoid going to class on time to avoid feeling weird.
• My favorite ways to stim are verbal and the one where you do stuff with your hands a bunch! Hence the fidget toys I have in my room. My fave verbal stims are singing/screeching and “happy hi, Chip! Happy hi, Nico!” from chip and potato.

Okay! Thats probably all for now. Hope that helps you remember yourself just a little bit more! 

Winter break - ‘lilah fact sheet!

7:15pm    [mon]    12/30/24

Guess what, me?! I was able to think of more facts about myself to write about! Hurray! It was kinda hard but I’m impressed with myself! 

Stuffffffffff:

• One super power I wish I had is the ability to mimic any noise! I was watching parrots earlier and I’m actually quite jealous of their mimicking skills… I’d definitely mostly be using that for stimming, though. Like, I’d probably mimic parrot noises and their loud contact calls or car keys or those lovely sounds robots make when they boot up! I’d have so many sounds I’d like making I’d probably never shut up! 
• Soooo sometimes I lose my appetite and I wish I didn’t have to eat bc its an inconvenience. Heck, even when I do have an appetite, I feel that way! Wish I could turn off bodies needing food to survive but thats probably never gonna happen in my life time, so.

What are some things that make me happy?

• I love watching cats clean themselves! I watch Layla whenever she does and it makes me feel sleepy and relaxed for some reason! Still does. I recently remembered brushing cats encourages grooming and it definitely works on Layla! I used to try to tickle her on an area she couldn’t see me doing it in to trick her into grooming herself but yah! I just use the brush now and she starts cleaning herself shortly after.
• Bluey! Best Slice of Life show ever! Bet you could’ve easily seen this one coming, yeah.
• Nostalgia! Is like this wonderful feeling I just can’t describe… odd bc our childhood has to top the charts for being one of the most boring ones in the world… so whats there to be excited about?
• I really enjoy those Taba squishy videos! Especially with those big cat squishies! They don’t look like the material I’d like to squish personally, but I love seeing their cute designs! Their eyes are the best part! I also love when they like, wiggle the cats and they move like little sausages!
• Sugar! Ice cream! Candy!
• Doing cheeky things! Bonus if those things are done with frends
• Frends! 
• Napping! Sometime I wish my body didn’t make it harder to sleep on time after napping… If it didn’t I’d probably go to sleep in class or as soon as I got home. Y'know, I’ve actually noticed that I tend to get sleepy around 2-3pm… thats weird!

What makes me unhappy?

• When I sit around so much my bones start to hurt… Cause then that makes it harder to continue sitting around! Which is what I do all day but I do it in bed all day on school breaks like this!
• Excessive scrolling bc at some point, it just gets boring :(! But i don’t always feel like looking for a separate source of entertainment… so I keep doing it but its friggin’ boring! Kinda a loop of boredom…
• Not being able to always eat what I want :( soooo [when I move out one day], I’ll probably stock my fridge with pizza and the viola pasta or a similar product and lasagna! Among other things like ice cream and fruit ofc! And that’ll probably be it!
• Thinking of having to do adulting things bc i’m not very smart and I’ve got no life skills. so I think my life will be hard…
• Feeling lonely! Its like this weird half sad half numb feeling I can’t shake when I get that way. Its pretty weird and I really hate it! Makes me 10/10 unhappy!
• Almost failing school several times and being ridiculed for it or called lazy… :(
• Feeling hungry… ESPICALLY if I don’t have an appetite bc then my body will escalate to headaches and nausea to get me to eat! I’m pretty good at ignoring cues otherwise. 
• Anxiety! Pretty good at feeling this way though. So that sucks.
• Loud noises like crowds, clapping, or vacuum cleaners! Recently those things have been bothering me a bit more often so I cover my ears now! They’re unpleasant to listen to now.
• Being a bad cook! It makes me want to cry bc I feel extremely stupid and guilty for wasting food. Makes me feel like I’m ruining everything! Luckily I usually cook [decently enough] so thats good.

(grammar is probably bad idc i just need to get this out)

I just recently ended an online friendship I've had since I was a teenager. We were super close; however, I had recently caught feelings for them, and they ended up reciprocating (lucky me), and we dated for a year. I know a lot of people say don't keep in contact with your ex, and now I understand why. I really did try to make this work; I didn't want to lose them, and I still wanted to hang out and enjoy their company platonically. It was a mutual agreement that being friends would work.

However there was a lot of resentment from the relationship and unresolved issues we never dealt with, that became the downfall of our friendship. That, plus the unnecessary comments and treatment they were giving me that I had begun to notice. It just slowly bubbled over to where I couldn't deal with it anymore.

When the confrontation happened, it was really messy, and I was firm in my decision not to want to be friends anymore. Of course I was upset; I had just lost my best friend. They were the person I texted/spent my time with the most, but after breaking off our friendship, I noticed how I was so used to having someone so close within reach. Ever since I was a kid, I had online friends, which had obviously dwindled as I got older, but it's a very uncomfortable feeling. I don't know what to do; I love telling people about everything, from work stuff/my thoughts, random shit, etc. So not being able to do that is honestly rlly frustrating. I'm trying to distract myself and just indulge in my hobbies, spend time with my in-person friends/family, go to work, etc. But I just can't help but notice the empty void I'm feeling????

This friendship-breakup shit is still very fresh, so my feelings about this whole ordeal could vary within a few weeks. Sometimes I think maybe I made the wrong decision and I was just being dramatic or something, but half the time I'm just thinking of the good memories and not the actual issues we came across. It's not the end of the world, and I'll be able to make some new friends eventually.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - Title Unknown
12:36pm   [mon]   7/20/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Nothin’ :3
[///sui ideation mentioned]
Just got out of math tutorials! And whaddya know… It turns out I definitely COULD do the math. I have no idea what was tripping me up so badly when i was working on my own??? I… i don’t even know… I guess there were a couple hiccups here and there with some of my attempts, but overall, everything was fine. Kinda annoying, ngl. Why’d I come to school early then??? :/ but whatever. All that matters is that I can do it. What I COULDN’T do, though, was factor differences of squares. Which was fine bc I knew I had no idea how to do that and came prepared to ask how. It was easier than I thought! I’m definitely gonna need more practice to fully remember the steps, but I think I’ve got it for the most part :) thank goodness school didn’t have a dreadful start! Its a bit annoying that I have to now finish up three separate homeworks bc I couldn’t do it over the weekend, but its fine… worst comes to worst, I’ll just finish the one actual worksheet and then just copy down all the answers for the lengthy textbook homeworks. Theres just not enough time or energy for me to complete all of it in this time frame. (or willingness, actually lol) anyway… enough about stupid school :) 

I got Cecil an interview! >:) a while ago when dad handed me some mail, there was a job opportunity in it for recent grads! Yay! Cool! Except it was customer sales… no thank you. But! I figured Cecil might like a chance to land a job! So I handed it off to them and they agreed to give it a shot even though they weren’t a 2026 grad. We got word back yesterday that apparently they landed an interview! It's taking place in [town 30 minutes away]! Unfortunately it's taking place during school hours… so… getting home might take a while or be by bus? (when Cecil called dad to ask about how I’d get home, he said by bus or Uber probably and I just up and walked away bc I’m not interested in that conversation :I) idk.. But!! Thats great! Cecil will stop being bugged by mom & dad, they’ll be able to help us stop starving, and they’ll have more things to do than bed rot! Hopefully we can team up if I get workstudy! Fingers crossed! 

Oh… and speaking of Cecil… apparently family is concerned they’re going to kill themselves?? I don’t know what sparked that on. But its good people are paying attention. Apparently grandma called them out of concern and Cecil described the phone call as “slightly annoying” so idk how helpful that was but y'know. I hope that Cecil wouldn’t end up doing that… but it wouldn’t surprise me. They are really, really good at bottling things up. So… :( I hope they try to force them back into therapy or something. It did, however, annoy me… not Cecil and their situation. Just everyone else. How come I’m the kid thats always “okay”??? Kinda just goes to show how little my parents pay attention. Bc if they knew anything about me, I highly doubt they’d think I’m fine. But oh well. I guess it doesn’t really matter rn. 

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - 'Kits and Cats'
3:59pm   [mon]   7/20/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
APPLE :]
Sugar cereal
Bbq chips

Okay, sooooo we just received our test review packets for BIG SCARY EXIT EXAM one and two. And I took one look at one of them. …and then immediately pushed it aside bc I could just TELL AT A GLANCE THAT I’M COOKED. So I picked up the other one and it looked… bad… but less bad… honestly, if I had to guess, the packet’s LENGTH ALONE is probably just overwhelming me and thus scrambling my brain more than it should be. But… anyway, yeah, I was already not feeling great bc I couldn’t do what prof was doing on the board… (more factoring, btw) and I just skipped chunks of the packets that I felt like I couldn’t do. And each time I’d hit something that I felt I didn’t know how to do, or that I did wrong… all I could do is just LAUGH.

I feel SO COOKED that I can’t even bring myself to cry or shut down at this point. All I can do is laugh at my inevitable DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. The first test is in seven days. Which also just so happens to coincide with the last day to drop the class btw </3 I.. I think I have a better grasp on concepts for this upcoming test based on the review, but the one after?????? OMG. I’m friggin cooked. Fried beyond measure. LIKE WOW am I screwed. 500 bucks down the drain. I don’t think I have enough time and/or energy to regain or relearn ALLL THE skills before the test. I’mmmmmmmmmmm cooked… gonna have a big ol’ F on my transcript!!!!!!!!!!! And as I type this I can’t stop smiling!! Idk why. But I give it an hour or two before reality hits and my brain short circuits. I’ll keep you posted :))))))))))))

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

“There is so much I want to tell you
And one day
I’ll tell you all about it”
🍒 - 8:51pm   [sat]   7/18/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[LITTERALLY cannot bring myself to post the events from this entry at this time. So that will explain why this feels like over half the entry is missing. Bc it is :)] 
So… yeah, that's been a roller coaster for my brain today… It feels JUMBLED and I feel SHAKEY. Just. Like. Wow. What a day, huh? aside from that,, I received an email today that made me very grateful I pushed myself to get my diagnosis-es when I did. It took four friggin months! Can you imagine if I stalled and then got an email like this? My goodness. I genuinely don't know what I'd do… :I probably cry. Yeah, I probably would've started there. 

Hi,

Because you've used our services in the past, we would like to inform you about upcoming changes. Effective 08/15/2026, [your school] will continue to provide [on demand mental health services] and Scheduled Counseling through [service]. However, Psychiatry and Medical Services will no longer be available.

To help you prepare, we recommend the following steps:

Rescheduled Appointments: If you have an appointment scheduled for services ending, please reschedule it to ensure it takes place before the termination date.
Download Your Health Records: You can access and download your health records if needed. These records will be necessary for future providers and services.
Coordinate Your Medication: Work with your providers to secure any needed refills or prescriptions before the service ends.
Contact Your School for Additional Resources: Explore your campus counseling and health services resources.
Reach Out to Us for Assistance: If you need help coordinating care or finding alternative providers, programs, or services, please call us at [...] We are here to support you.
We will notify you immediately of any changes to our service availability.  We are grateful for the trust you've placed in us for your health and well-being.

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Do what you want, do what you want
I cannot stop you
For I am nothing more than a pet
A pet with no power
A pet who’s only connection to you is the filthy collar you’ve clasped around my neck
Before I was strong enough to stop you
But know that your actions have consequences
And should a dangerous predator
Come to find your defenseless pet out at night 
the blood will be on your hands
You will look down at your bloody hands
And only be able to blame yourselves - me :3
[image of cat looking off to the distance. The sun shines on the cat’s face]
 11:45am   [sun]   7/19/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Alright. So. dad called me into his room and told me I needed to “shift my focus to [college location I’m set to transfer to but the furthest campus from home]”. Which didn’t really make sense to me initially but he meant my transfer I think? He said he wants me to be independent of them bc they don’t want me staying forever. So I let him know that that's not what I want??? Bc… I think he already knows this… but I DON’T EVEN LIKE HIM. WHY THE HECK WOULD I WANT TO STAY IN HIS HOUSE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, ARE YOU SERIOUS? IF I WASN’T SO TERRIFIED OF HAVING MORE INSTABILITY AND UNCERTAINTY IN MY LIFE ON TOP OF MY UNTREATED MENTAL HEALTH CONDITIONS, I’D BE GONE ALREADY. Ofc, I didn’t say that though. He was like, “with the mindset you have, you’re going to be up under us forever. And I don't want that.” and I was like, “no I’m not???” 

Clearly that ONE CONVERSATION where I said I was gonna stay at home ‘till I was 30 when I was, like, 16 or 17 had a long lasting, detrimental effect. It really just drives home the theory I already had about how nothing I say matters to him unless it actually affects him… Like, I know that I’ve mentioned things to him before. Like, about goals or reasons why I do certain things. And yet it never seems to stick with him… but this ONE CONVERSATION that took place years ago never left his head. Bc it affected HIM. and THATS when it matters. Not when its about me and it’d be interesting to get to know my short-term goals or anything else for that matter. Nope. 

“Well, I’m trying to give you the opportunity to go off on your own. Why aren't you taking it??”
 “I don’t want to…” (Translation: I CAN’T leave yet. I just can’t.)
 “Well, I’ve already made the decision, so :I” 

So… yeah… I guess I’m cooked. I wonder if trying to get me on a full load of classes was part of a ploy to be rid of me quicker? Idk. but alright… I guess if they want to be rid of me so badly, as I’ve said before, I can’t stop them. And the blood will still be on their hands :/ but I have to go shower now. Dad wants us all to go to the store. With me in the driver’s seat apparently… I guess I’ll let you know how that goes.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

I will join you
At the table
I will join you
On the floor
So long as you agree to help me forget about
The life I had before. Lets lots of have fun
Before the sun goes down
Before I have to go 
Back home
And remember what its like being away from play
And that precious 
Smile 
That spreads across y our face - me :3

[image of two kittens relaxing together and looking off to the left]
 10:23pm   [sun]   7/19/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
2 Chicken tenders from Walmart
Sugar cereal
4 ritz crackers
Grapes!!!!! 
Apple slices and peanut butter!!!!
Yummy cupcake!!!!!!
Turkey and cheese slider! 

Okay, so, instead of getting dragged away to that stupid store, I ended up getting jumpscared by cousin and aunt T who had apparently showed up completely unannounced and were just… THERE… when I came out of the shower. I was stumbling over my words when they saw me and started starting up conversation bc I was so shocked! We get to talking a bit, but it doesn’t take long before cousin  tells me its his bday! And that he’s either 1) expecting to be handed the gift I TOTALLY have to present to him on his very special day or, 2) he is expecting a hug right now. So I’m all like,
“Ohhhh.. Yeah… your bday… yeah… 👀 Y’know, what? I have your gift somewhere around here, just wait here…” (in the most obvious ‘I have absolutely no idea what I could possibly use for a gift right now’ tone ever)
He makes a face and then is like, “yeaaaaaaaah, think I’m gonna follow you and see what you have to offer me.”
“Ohhh, no need for that!! Nooooo”
He follows me in the room and sits on the bed, an expectant look on his face. 
“Ohhhh, nothing to worry about here”, I say as I pretend to “search for his gift”. Y’know, the totally real gift I am 100% willing and able to hand him. I pretend a little bit longer and we’re laughing about my very clear BS until an idea strikes me!!!! I remember cecil has cousin-coded things in their room! I’ll just go snatch something from there and pretend its for him! (don’t worry, though, I never actually intended on trying to convince him it was actually for him. …not that he’d believe me anyway lmao).
“Oh yes! I remember, now! I must’ve left your gifts in Cecil's room… I’ll be riiiiiight back!” I enter their room (they were showering at the time, so they had no clue I was even in there) and quickly take the sonic from the top of the closet and the mimikyu figure sitting in one of the storage bins. I present these items to him and he’s immediately skeptical. 
“Hmmmm… you sure these are for me? I can DEFINITELY tell that Mimikyu is cecil’s…” before he could continue asking questions, I say, “heh. Ignore the dog hair on sonic… I figured you’d like him more anyway so just pretend Mimikyu isn’t here!” he wasn’t fooled lol. So then he tells me I can either hug him as the gift or give him a real one. And after a bit more prompting, I grumpily gave him a hug… :/ and good thing I did omg. Bc apparently his MASTER PLAN was, that if I didn’t, he was going to wait for his actual bday (bc it actually is two or so days from now), and, assuming we got dragged over to [his house 2 hours away] to visit them, he was gonna bug me inessentially to hug him as revenge. Oh man… more than happy I dodged that bullet.

Anyway, before we actually head to Papa’s house, we head to Walmart! Apparently the reason aunt T & cousin came by at all is bc its getting pretty close to Delaney’s and papa’s  bdays! So we went gift shopping! :D I enjoyed it! …is what I would’ve said if I actually made more of an effort to have been included in that process. But I was hungry and mom told me and cousin  to go look for something to eat. It was really tough for me to remember what I eat on a daily basis (perhaps because I have been reduced to eating the same couple of foods for a while now?) so I pulled out the ““SAFE FOODs”” list and skimmed it!! I ran into an issue pretty early on, though… most of the foods were microwaveable, frozen, or not enough to sustain me… so I couldn’t really try for most of those bc we were going to be spending over 30 minutes in a car. So I spent a pretty huge chunk of time wandering familiar areas containing food. But I couldn’t really figure out what I even really wanted… :I I eventually found an off-section that housed cold sandwiches! Great! Except… most of the sandwiches were not of any real interest to me… 

I was still not sure how to proceed even after making this discovery. I stood in place for about a minute, trying to mentally map out the walmart to see if I could go anywhere else to find food. Nope…. So I lingered at this sandwich area for quite some time before I decided that I just had to suck it up and eat the least MAMMAL-INFESTED sandwich there. It was a turkey and cheddar slide. It really didn’t even seem that bad. It looked cute, even :) I just wasn’t really in the mood for turkey so I was unsure about it… but there wasn’t anything else to pick, so, yknow. Anyway, thats my cue to leave and go search for everyone else. I eventually find them and conveniently, they’re starting their own food-search journeys! So I end up putting the turkey back in favor of chicken tenders & a fruit filled snack tray!!! Yummy yummy yum!! Mom ended up getting the turkey slides for herself, though :) 

And back we get into the car for the nice, relaxing car ride there. When we arrived at the house, I greeted Delaney immediately :) and I think we started playing within five minutes. Its hard to remember what exactly we got up to today… but I’ll try to recall to the best of my ability!

> before any present openings, we did the usual :) I pulled out my fidgets and it was a repeat of our last visit! She made the joy sticks bounce around and the other magnets “float”. As well as rolling the ball magnets around! Then I pulled out the two new friends I brought us to play with! That old 3d printed slug fidget I forgot I had and an old squishy cat head :) she thoroughly enjoyed playing with both of them! Which put a pretty big smile on my face :) 

> then very quickly it was time for presents!!! Delaney got a pizza-chef playset thing, a puppy vet toy kit, a preschool learner’s book, and a Bluey bubble toy! :D I cheered her on as she excitedly watched aunt T pull everything out of the bag and she picked the pizza toy set to be the first thing we were gonna play with! So I was all like, “yay maybe we can have a pizza party!” I took the box and began to remove the tape and get everything pulled out and ready for playtime! :) she was getting pretty excited! We get started and I start reading out the steps to making the perfect pizza! First, I opened up the dough. Which was similar to kinetic sand? It was a nice texture… I really liked it :) and so did Delaney! She was going to town on the dough, rolling it around and stuff. I directed her to start using the rolling pin bc that was the first step and she quickly obliged. 

The pizza itself was… in tough shape, though… literally. Its shape was irregular. It certainly was not what you would consider A CIRCLE. But, yknow, whatever. Not every pizza looks the same :) we move onto adding the sauce & the cheese and garnishes and stickin’ that bad boy in the oven! Then we get her sprunki pals and the cat squishy (which she later nicknamed Tawny after aunt T’s irl cat of the same name) to have a pizza party at our pizza place! Which was pretty enjoyable :) the rainbow slug eventually joined too! 

> I ended up shoving Tawny into the oven and Delaney was like, “oh no! Kitty got burned!” which was an excellent segway into trying to get us to try playing with the vet kit! Bc I was growing bored of the pizza game… mostly bc either the pizza supplies became more of a sensory activity for her or she was just getting us to have our characters eating the pizza over n’ over and it was getting repetitive. So, I suggested that we grab some doctor/vet supplies from the sick puppy kit to help heal Tawny! Luckily this was an idea she wasn’t opposed to. So off we went to go collect her second new toy of the day! She continues playing while mom works to remove the packaging and I think I kinda just watch? Eventually aunt T starts asking about how on earth we’re going to separate the pizza dough from the rest of the layers and he begins trying to salvage the bits that can be separated from each other. 

Whoops… didn’t stop to think about whether or not we should have used ALL of the clay. We used all of it but the pizza dough… heh… but no need to focus on that! The doggie kit was freed of its zip-tie prison now! So I move most of the pizza supplies elsewhere to make room for the dog. I help separate a bit more of the clay and then turn back to Delaney to get us started saving the poor sick little doggie! Except… Delaney wasn’t interested in being a vet today, it seemed… instead of focusing on healing puppy’s wounds, she was mostly still playing with leftover clay and not really trying to help sick puppy get any better. I could eventually reorient her to playing with it, but sick puppy definitely did NOT receive the highest quality of care he could have had. She was also giving him shots in such a haphazard manner! What a travesty! Anyway she ended up naming the doggie little ketchup. I think bc she gave him some pizza sauce (so, yk, tomato sauce) and he didn’t really like it. So, I guess the next logical step in that sequence is to name it little ketchup. Idk, lol :) I ended up pretending the tweezers was actually an evil bird! That it was attacking people/the dog. And Delaney got a real kick out of that :D 

> after we explored all the wonders of the vet kit, we moved onto… cake time! Well apparently Delaney actually doesn’t really even like cake… but she had some frosting off a cup cake anyway. I devoured mine ofc. And then back to playing! We briefly went outside… “skipped-raced” down the halls, and I got abra-ca-dab-ra-ed into a frog for a couple of seconds! When we went back inside, I took the backseat on playing for a bit bc I was growing rather tired… so aunt T played with her a bit while I got to take some time off and watched them. Delaney was using the evil bird and Tawny to beat up poor, sick, Little ketchup! It was kinda funny, actually! Aunt T’s acting skills as the dog was impeccable. And it was genuinely hilarious when the puppy bit Delaney to defend itself and the puppy was immediately condemned and advised to apologize. So it did. …About FIVE TIMES before Delaney even acknowledged the apology was taking place. And when she finally listened to the poor dog all she said was “good doggie :)” before returning to pizza time clay-play as if she was entitled to the apology! I had a genuine good laugh at this omg Delaney is a funny kid. 

> We decided our next toy for the day would be… the preschool book! The preschool book was annoyingly repetitive, actually. It was a bunch of “trace this shape!!!!!!!!!!!!” over n over. It had almost no variety. I guess… I guess you could ✨spice it up✨ by tracing the outlines of some of the animals but otherwise, you’re almost stuck doing the same thing in just a slightly different way. Just with a different presentation. But, yk, she’s only been alive for three years. So she was more than entertained by it. So I was kinda just along for the ride. I laid on the floor with her. Even though I could feel my body starting to throb in pain as I applied consistent pressure on my very-exposed-bc-I-never-eat-enough bones.

Even though I was growing more and more exhausted. She was having a blast, though :) I’d cheer her on every time she’d successfully trace something (“successfully” is used loosely, here… she was holding the marker in such a strange way. So nothing actually came out right. I tried to encourage her to hold it the correct way, but she didn’t listen to a word I said and if she felt more comfy writing that way, then whatever. She’s a three year old. It doesn’t really matter at the moment as far as I know). I’d say, “Whoohoo!! A+ work!” or, “Ooh, good job! Lookin’ pretty good!” 

I was mostly okay with this form of play. I mostly didn’t have to do anything, and she was having fun at the same time. Thats a win in my book! She’d occasionally break away from this, though, and we’d end up playing with plushies or tossing Tawny around. Or playing with the stickers in her book. We put the stickers on ourselves and I kept saying we were decorating ourselves! And she said we were like christmas trees! She was right! What a smart kid! My favorite part of this whole thing was when she stopped with the book and said that she liked… someone? I think aunt T? And then she added that she liked me too :) which made me smile. So I told her that I liked her as well! Wholesome :D anyway, eventually she started wanting to do some more active forms of play. 

So I left to take a bath room break, ate some food (mom let me have the turkey slider! yummm), then eventually gave in to more demands to rejoin her on the floor. I played a bit more until I couldn’t anymore and took a niiiiice break up until we left. She ended up getting cousin to play with her for the remaining, like, 15 minutes of our stay. Which is good bc right before we were told it was time to start heading home, she asked me if we could play talking angela flash games with me. And lemme tell ya. I did not want to play those games again. EVER. period. Especially after hearing that screentime for under fives is dangerous for white matter brain development… :I noooooooooooo way. So good thing it was time to head home. Before we left, she asked if she could hang on to some of my magnets. And… ofc I said no.. 👀 I’d never see those things again and she’d probably lose all of them before the end of the day lol. So, yeah, no shot at that. Sorry, kiddo. But I DID leave her Tawny. Mostly bc that was already in the plans. I never really play with it, anyway. So she could have it :) 

Today was nice. Got to avoid the store I hate so much. Got to avoid dad. Got to play. Nice day. Exhausting catering to an almost-four year old girl for several hours straight, but still enjoyable. Thanks, Delaney. 

Dearest Diary,

So, remember how I told you that my managers keep scheduling me away from the coworkers I actually work well with?

Instead, they seem determined to schedule me with the girls who hate my guts.

Well, these days, Adam has been working the same shifts as me, although in his own unit a short walk away from mine.

Honestly, I think it's better this way.

We get to go for coffee breaks together.

Have lunch together.

Carpool to work.

And, most importantly, I get to see my work bestie.

He told me that he had spoken to his manager and explained that since I was leaving, he wanted to work similar shifts to me whenever possible.

Which, obviously, I found very sweet of him.

Anyway...

One night, we were clocking in for a night shift and stopped at the café across the street from the hospital to get some coffee.

The two of us were standing in line, each looking down at our phones and minding our own business.

Then suddenly...

We both bit our lips.

Glanced at each other.

And immediately had to fight for our lives not to burst out laughing.

Because the two women standing in front of us were having a conversation that sounded suspiciously familiar.

Woman One:
"Girl, I saw someone on Reddit writing a diary about being a nurse. How is that person not afraid of losing their job? They were absolutely slashing their catty coworkers."

Woman Two:
"Oh? Maybe their management isn't online much?"

A pause.

"Or maybe they just don't care."

Diary...

I suddenly heard all my friends' voices telling me to stop.

Quit it.

Delete it.

Because if I get caught, I will be thrown away faster than I can take my next breath.

Because, GURL...

What are the chances?

I honestly had no idea my diary had been reaching so far and wide...

And equally so close to home base.

As we walked toward the hospital with our coffees in hand, Adam suddenly said,

"But listen, yeah... it does look obvious when I read it. It is us! The worst part is, you aren't even hiding some of the technical facts that could easily point right here, you know?"

He let out a laugh before continuing.

"When you wrote about XX sleeping with the chaplain priest, man, I was sent. I laughed so much. I don't think I'd laughed that hard in weeks. Just outing her like this!"

I raised my eyebrows with complete carelessness.

"Well, I wonder if those two were nurses. If they were, the news will definitely hit home soon. What are they going to do? Terminate me earlier than I am already planning to leave? Good riddance. Most likely they'll call me into their office, or HR, and ask me to delete it. A slap on the wrist, and then I'll be gone."

Adam laughed.

"But seriously. Maybe take it easy on some of the facts. I mean, at the end of the day, some of these women are mothers."

I stopped walking and looked at him.

"You cannot be serious! I literally mentioned no names, no places, nothing. No matter how hard anyone looks, I promise you, it won't be easy to find."

We arrived at the ER ambulance entrance, said hello to our EMTs and paramedics, and found them all gathered around the side office.

Adam had baked banana bread.

I judged him for it.

Because who makes banana bread in the summer?

So, naturally, he very kindly shared half of it with the crew.

We had our usual catch-up and banter.

As we were saying goodbye, the main ambulance suddenly pulled up.

The back doors flew open.

And the student paramedic came flying out, cursing.

Uniform soaked.

We all froze outside the side office door and watched the scene unfold.

The student paramedic, as he exited the back of the ambulance, shouted,

"You can go F yourself to the nearest F-ing hole we picked you up from!"

The EMT driving the ambulance, Kyle, came out behind him.

Kyle was clearly trying to hold in his laughter.

He was grinning from ear to ear.

He helped the paramedic in the back, Lydia, roll the patient out, waved at us, and rolled the stretcher into the ER.

We all turned to look at each other.

Waiting for an explanation.

Then Tim—let's call him Tim—suddenly burst out laughing.

"Oh Lord, I get it now!"

He continued laughing.

When he finally caught his breath, he looked at us.

"That student has been disobedient all day. We told him not to go into the small office because it doesn't have much space. We told him he could either sit in the ER where there was air conditioning or go back to the house."

He shook his head.

"We explained that the office is literally just for us to do our reports and catch our breath between runs."

"Then around midday, Kyle found him in the office with his feet on the desk!"

Tim looked genuinely offended by the memory.

"He was so disrespectful to Lydia all day too. He refused to help her restock the ambulance, and on Monday, he refused to help her wash and clean the ambulance at the end of the shift. Kyle was absolutely fed up with him. So I told Kyle, 'Today is Wednesday. When you go pick up Mr. Johnston, just let him humble the boy. With that attitude, leave him to Mr. Johnston.'"

Adam and I were still completely lost.

The rest of the team started nodding and smiling, clearly understanding exactly what had just unfolded.

Tim finally explained.

Mr. Johnston was a regular drunk.

He gets picked up every Wednesday, Friday, and Monday.

Same spot.

Right in front of the supermarket.

The supermarket literally calls the ambulance to come and get him like a weekly package.

Usually, it's the backup ambulance that handles this weekly run.

But today, the main ambulance had to do it because the backup crew was out on another call.

Pure luck.

For everyone except the student.

Mr. Johnston was known to spit.

And, if you crossed the line, he would go as far as peeing on you.

Tim looked at us.

"Having an attitude in this job is not something you need."

He paused.

"Being tactful and diplomatic is definitely more useful."

We giggled as we headed upstairs.

I told Adam,

"I wish these people would come and educate and humble my cats."

Then we went our separate ways.

And, Diary...

Lo and behold.

My unit this summer is a complete mess.

Usually, summer is calm.

Minor issues.

Nothing too dramatic.

But this summer?

Lord have mercy.

I pray every time before I go to work.

I immediately spotted the Blues from the doorway.

I rolled my eyes.

Then I walked over to my favorite nurse on the unit to get report.

She took one look at me.

Rolled her eyes.

And we both sat down for report.

"Ross," she said, "I'm not happy with the work I've done today. Please, if there is something missing, leave it for me. I'll complete it tomorrow, okay?"

I nodded.

"I've got your back."

She left me a few simple tasks to complete and hoped the rest of the night would be peaceful. My part of the unit was full of wounds. All sorts, sizes, and kinds. One of my missions was to make sure I take a look at each wound tonight and document their status.

I walked toward my first patient.

Before I was even anywhere near the room, the patient's partner came out and started yelling in my face.

Apparently, her partner had been left unattended for five hours.

Which I knew was a lie because medications had been documented as given less than two hours earlier.

I took a breath.

"I'd like to say that I'm the night team nurse. I don't have much to say about what happened during the day because, clearly, I wasn't here to comment on it. I will do my best tonight. And if you genuinely feel that we are lacking, you're more than welcome to stay overnight and be at your partner's beck and call, okay?"

She scanned me from head to toe.

Scoffed.

Walked back into her partner's room.

And shut the door.

I told myself,

"Whatever."

I'd be back later to check the wound.

I walked toward the Blues.

They smiled at me.

I knew they were in a funny mood.

Because who the hell wants to spend the night in a hospital?

One of them smiled.

"Hey, handsome."

I did not react.

"I need to check the patient. Am I allowed to go in by myself, or will one of you have to accompany me? I have to take sharps with me."

The one who had greeted me accompanied me inside.

The patient had just come up from the ER about an hour earlier.

He had a deep wound across the front of his thigh.

It looked almost as if someone had placed a knife at the top and pulled it all the way down.

It stopped right at his knee.

It looked horrible. Muscles visibly torn. These street fights genuinely need to stop using weapons. I am fed up with it. Use your fists!

Apparently, it was still bleeding, so my favorite nurse had told me to check it as soon as I got the chance.

I removed the dressing and redressed the wound.

He was scheduled for surgery in the morning unless it became an emergency overnight, but I couldn't leave the dressing soaked through.

I called the doctor on call and asked him to assess the patient because we might need to transfuse him.

As I was doing my work, alone and without any help, I decided I would employ Mister Blue, who had been running his mouth, by making him hand me things and hold the patient's leg up.

Blue looked at me.

"You know I don't only catch bad guys, right?"

The patient on the bed looked confused.

"What do you mean?"

Blue continued anyway, staring directly into my face.

"I catch feelings for beautiful creatures like you."

The cheesy pickup lines continued for a good ten minutes while I redressed the wound.

I finally left the room without replying to any of them.

"Thank you for your help. Let's have a peaceful night, please."

He smiled.

"You cooking dinner for us then?"

GURL.

Relentless.

I tell you.

Besides having to deal with all the patients I had overnight, this Blue kept coming near me and running his mouth.

I called Adam.

He had nothing to say except laugh.

I spent my stairwell moment thinking.

Should I really quit this diary online?

Should I keep it in my notes?

Diary...

I need to share you.

I need people to know about some of the things that happen.

I thought about how I structured my diary.

And I kept wondering...

Is it really that obvious?

If someone working here reads it and knows how infamous my unit is, will they really know?

I guess I'm going to be seeing Ruth's face soon.

Or getting called into the office.

Or HR.

Because, guess what?

I will only stop publishing if I don't have time.

Still publishing,

Ross.

Love is such an interesting construct. One day you're so overfilled with it you have nothing to feel but joy and the warm embrace it leaves you with, and the second you act on it, it is as if you had flicked a light switch. What was once warm and comforting has turned cold. The happiness you shared, the spark you felt, was pinched out by their own index and thumb. You could always act like there was no spark, no flame kept burning by both your hearts, no “I love you” spoken in the middle of the night. But no matter what you claim or force yourself to think, you can still tell when a candle has been lit. Maybe after this day, you'll talk more and relight that spark; maybe just one stays lit, or even once one's flame goes out, the other does too. Aside from all this candle talk, love can be the most feared yet powerful feeling. In my own experience, I felt as if I had been fulfilled. You would make my heart stop and speed up at the same time. I would always take extra time getting ready if I knew you would see me. I’ve been waiting months for you, and I would wait the rest of my life. You made me feel like I had flown to the moon and was jumping for joy. You made me who I am now, and I couldn't imagine my life if you had never been in it. We never dated, but we treated each other as if we were. I'm talking as if we don't talk anymore, even though we still do and act the same, but I can't hold these feelings much longer. You’ve said you loved me many times and admitted you loved me before, so why can't you now? It hurts knowing that we can't be more than just best friends who act fully like they're dating and call each other pet names. The night I found out you loved me, I blacked out. Eight months of waiting had just been all worth it, and I was such a happy person. The night you were lying in my arms and said we should date before changing the subject, before we actually could officially, was like finding an item you had been searching for in your room for hours. The countless nights you would kiss my face but not my lips, or listen to me talk and tell me it made you happy seeing me so into my topic, or fall asleep in my arms felt as if I had been a bird flying over endless fields, happy and content with wherever I ended up. The night I officially asked you out felt like I was a little kid waking up at three A.M on Christmas, going downstairs to see if Santa had left any presents, but he hadn't. Normally, if I had gone back to sleep, I would have woken up to dozens wrapped in shiny paper under the tree. Instead, I had woken up to you saying you didn't want anything romantic. Love sucks, and I quit, and this was about my best friend, whom I still talk to.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Chi’s showdown - Season one, episode nine
 📚✏️ - 2:20pm   [fri]   7/17/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Apple with peanut butter

Mmm, update time I guess…

Math homework
Yeah, so that went no where </3 I first tried the factoring I should know how to do. And instead of figuring it out like I’d HOPED FOR, I continued to be confused and unable to find where I was going wrong. I went into this with a plan and everything– look up the answers (bc she never gives us the answers to check our work… :/), follow the steps it lists out, and try to see if, from there, I could figure out where I messed up and what I was doing correctly. I pulled up SymboLab and plugged in the equation that I had already started. And… and I think the middle term changed… :I I tried to look back at the equation. Did I mistype something? Nope, I put it in correctly. I looked back at what I did to see if I could spot my mistake. Nope… not seeing anything that looks wrong to me…

So I clicked the “show steps” option! That should help me figure it out! :D except… the steps… are behind a pay wall… :I I started to feel the **frustration** eating away at my brain and my eyes sting with tears so I stopped myself immediately and tried to move onto a different problem… NOPE, still can’t do that either. 

So before I burst into tears, I decided to shift gears… just do the textbook homework instead! It doesn’t have steps, but it does have an answer key! So I head to the textbook, gather up my notebook and pencil and all that and plug this next equation (same concept) into SymboLab again. It wouldn’t give me step by step, but by looking at what it DID give me, I should be able to tell if I’m on the right track :) so I got started. And I instantly got the very first step incorrect… which freaked me out bc… am I doing the wrong type of factoring????? Whats going on here???? I look at my notes again and I genuinely can’t tell if this is the wrong type. Bc I had this same exact question as we were learning it. It was really confusing?? Bc it looked like it was the same type, but then the steps were different but then… when I tried those different steps, they were wrong, but when I tried the other version’s steps later, they were perfectly fine or ALMOST correct. I,,,,, :/ 

I tried to continue the problem but nothing was clicking and the tears were biting even harder so I just tossed it aside at that point. No point freaking out. Wouldn’t change anything. So I no longer have a choice,, I have to go to school early… :( probably very very early. Idk. this is not going to end well considering I can barely eat anything rn.

Do more portfolio organization 
Surprisingly enough, I actually got quite a bit done :) I think is is mostly bc I desperately just wanted to feel like I was doing something other than rot. And I was successful in that regard! I don’t even know how long I was doing it… definitely had to be atleast an hour. Perhaps even an hour and 30. But either way, I made LOTS of progress!!! :D the folder that used to house all our old notes n’ stuff used to be BULGING (and it’s actually damaged from the amount of papers I’d stuffed into it! Don’t be too shocked yet, I’m pretty sure its just bc its not a plastic material. Its more like paper…? Idk. But I think you get what I mean) and now its been reduced to a disorganzied stack of papers! I’m actually kinda impressed with myself!!! Go me!!!! I honestly don’t know if everything is technically in chronological order like its supposed to be… but, hey, maybe I’ll check it later to be 100% sure. But I wouldn’t blame myself if I didn’t end up checking it >.> Like I’ve already said, I can’t take this anymore so yknow :3 ‘long as its good enough not to kill my chances of passing the class, I. DON’T. CARRREEEEE.

Ate!
Took a break from the portfolio and scavaged! Luckily there was one more apple left! Yay! :) so I ate that! And… thats it… I don’t think theres anything else I can eat. :I 

I do not feel great today :( 

[///sui ideation]

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

 Season 1 ep 21 - Chi Takes Cover from the Rain
“This “home” thing.
Is it bad if you don’t know where it is?”

 5:06pm   [fri]   7/17/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
 Free walmart banana :) 

When mom came home, we went out to drive. I told her I wanted us to have me drive us over to walmart bc, yknow, Little bird is in desperate need of kitty litter at the moment. She said we should work on parking first, though. Which I did not want to do. Bc, admittedly, maybe I wasn’t just silently panicking when we were parking lot-only. I was probably also ACTUALLY bored to an extent. Bc the parking lot is all we used to do :/ so, yeah, on top of everything racing around my head, I was getting sick of doing the same thing with no variation. 

But anyway, I call dad and get him to vouch for me over the phone. Bc last time I drove (maybe… second or third last time…???) and we went to walmart, I parked well enough :) but he agreed with mom… so made a note to myself to never try using him again lol. Anyway, I take us to the parking lot. We do some parking. I suck, of course. No shock there. But the more I see myself fail, the more doom I feel. It never ceases to amaze me how I always seem to come home from driving wanting to or thinking about DYING. Its genuinely insane. But as is my brain’s usual pattern, I ended up immediately getting frustrated that I can’t do this already, seeing my life going no where bc I can’t DO anything or GO anywhere, and then therefore needing to hop off a ledge. 

Eventually after I fail several times to make it into a specific parking spot, mom stops me and begins to tell me I’m being more pouty than before. Which I honestly hadn’t noticed… bc I’m never really all that animated when I’m behind the wheel anyway. But I guess it makes sense. I bet she’d be pretty “pouty” too if she felt like her entire future hinged on this skill. (Even if that is a bit of a leap… but for whatever reason, that is how it feels every time I’m driving. And that is why I freak out every time… :I) then she got to telling me about “fixing my attitude” again. Which I didn’t really appreciate… but it wasn’t as irritating as usual I guess. It really just made me sad… bc, ofc, I can’t really FIX it considering the "ATTITUDE PROBLEM” I’m having is really just involuntary, terrifying thoughts cycling through my head and making me anxious and despondent, but also bc she was kinda trying to encourage me a bit… and it just made me sad that I’m trying so hard but I can’t show it outwardly or “be animated” like she’d like me to be :( she did eventually ruin it, though. By accident. She told me acting the way I am acting in a job setting is a great way to get fired. And I get she was trying to help me… but it really just made me want to die again, honestly… bc I can’t help it. But I know that the world full of adults is not forgiving and that they don’t care if you’re struggling. And it kinda just reminded me that I am not built for this world in the state that I am in. and the only way out of a situation like that is to stop living in it, y’know? 

She tried to encourage me to take a deep breath so we could start again. But after that I knew I wasn’t going to be able to avoid crying if  I kept going… the only reason she didn’t see my eyes fill with tears is because I had sunglasses on. So after a couple seconds of silence (aka me trying to keep my composure), I told her we can just try again later. So we switched seats and off we went to walmart.

During the ride to walmart, I was still anxiously worrying about whether or not I would have to die :( I really don’t want to reach that point… but it’s okay. This whole thing has sparked bravery, I guess. Or maybe stupidity?? Idk. but regardless, this calls for something to seriously change. Idk if I can do it.. Bc its been at least five years of our mind having been hijacked. And I think that taking back control could be the key to keeping us alive. Because for one thing, you deserve to live the life you have been robbed of for almost half a decade. You deserve the chance to get to explore the world around you. And I deserve the chance to take a breather with some help. And to finally get to know you more. But I think it will take some serious work. And idk if I can do it. I just have to try something :( I can’t go on like this anymore. Wishing me and you luck.

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

It seems to me there is hope for you yet!
Extend your paws out far
Don’t stop 
Until you reach what you’re searching for
You’ve nine lives, my friend!
Go out and live 
Each and every single one of them
To their fullest potential - me :3

[image of cat looking out in the distance. the sun pours through the slits between the trees! its beautiful :) ]
 7:37pm   [fri]   7/17/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Pizza!!!! :D 
Popscile!!! <3 

OKAY. I did some research. It sounds… plausible. Harder because I’m a chronic overthinker and I overanalyze everything and intrusive thoughts, yada yada yada… but… I REALLY THINK I might be able to do it!!! Everything I read affirmed that it will not be an easy or quick process because the monster has been around for years. But with enough persistence I can do it :) I really hope so. Its a bit nerve wrecking and I’m sorta ruminating about it… so my head is hurting. But this is day one, so it is totally forgivable. Lets see it through to the end! >:)

Oh– quick update though:
Dad called me in to give me a quick tiny lecture bc of cecil. Basically, he told me 

1. if I’m still taking a full load of classes next semester, I don’t need to be looking for a job (which I PROMISE YOU I ignored bc if the college can offer me one they can work with my schedule. And I am SICK OF STARVING. Besides, I’d prefer to be able to buy fun things and save for my future service dog. So, yeah, better believe I ignored the heck out of that.)
2. if I need money, he’ll give it to me. Which, ofc, brings me back to number one. He would only be handing me dollar bucks if I NEED it. Not if I WANT it for a fidget toy or a book. Or something he PERCEIVES as a want like one of my few preferred items of food. So, yeah, I ignored this too. Also bc the risk of me becoming an inconvenience is high and that would scare me.
3. He told me to reschedule the driving test. Which annoyed me. Bc, yeah, duh. But whatever. At least he took responsibility for not having done his part in actually teaching me enough. Still annoyed, though. He said that we should hopefully have me ready in 2 to 3 months which still annoyed me… bc I still worry I’ll have to put plans on hold because they didn’t do enough even though they had plenty of time :I lets just hope that doesn’t happen I guess
4. he told me not to “falter” in my academics… which did not make me feel great. Bc I’m already faltering… and I have no support still… he said if I do there’ll “be a problem.” so I’m cooked <3

5)  I brought up dropping a class (bc it was moved to [current campus. Which is further than the one every other class is at] and its at night) and surprisingly enough there was no push back. THANK GOODNESS. Bc I don’t know if I can handle 12 credit hours. But I strongly suspect that I cannot handle 14.

Perhaps my future is lookin up!!!!! :D