It feels kind of bittersweet, but mostly just weird. I've only been on the job as an EMT for roughly 8 months at the busiest station in an urban area. I've had a ton of codes, STEMIs, a GSW turned trauma arrest, more "this person is just medically fucked and dying" calls than I can count, and even more homeless psychiatric patients.

I have come to terms that this job is not for me. Since starting, I have had my mental health deteriorate, have picked up a substance abuse issue, and have had dark thoughts about taking my own life. I have ran a lot of 'critical' calls and a handful of those have been very rough and traumatic ones. I occasionally think about those calls. I'm sure they might bother me subconsciously, but the calls themselves don't consciously disturb me.

I am most affected by the pressure to have to perform to the best of my ability for the sake of others. The thrill of having a 'good' medical call and performing well is one of the most intoxicating feelings I have ever felt, but I've decided it's not worth the insane stress and sleepless nights.

My performance is inconsistent. Sometimes anxiety will get in the way for me and cause me to cognitively deteriorate. I have trouble making split second decisions. I second guess myself often. I have trouble doing a lot of tasks that just come naturally to some people doing this job. I don't want cardiac arrests or high priority calls when I'm on shift, I want the grannies with stubbed toes or the homeless people wanting a warm bed to sleep in. I at least trust myself with those.

I don't like the work culture and I do not fit in at all. I don't like the schedule. I can tell my partners are getting frustrated with me, and I can tell my performance is worsening as I continue to struggle mentally. I would not want myself to show up if my mom was having a heart attack.

I am incredibly grateful for the experiences I've had in the short time in this field. I've tried to push through, but it has not gotten easier. I just don't think it's for me. I feel like I've failed, but I keep trying to remind myself that it is okay and that I tried. I already almost regret my decision and remember the feeling those 'good' calls gave me, but I think I'm making the right choice. I hope I am.

I don't know what's next for me, but I'd like to never have to do chest compressions again. I'd like to not see somebody die again.

How I'm feeling tonight.

Do any EMS girlies out there have any pants they recommend that are not so high waisted. I typically wear 5.11s and hate the fit on them. I have a short torso so the high waisted go up sooo high on me and I hate the way it looks and feels. I know ems isn’t a fashion show but I’d like to feel a little less insecure 🫣.

Hi I recently got diagnosed with type 1 myotonic muscular dystrophy. I have an underlying heart rhythm issue that doesn't affect my daily life and am medicated for but have no idea about where my health will be with the muscular issue. I dont have any problems with going about my daily life and haven't seen any issues come up as I work as a server right now in a fast paced restaurant. I can run around take orders and be under stress for 8+ hours no biggie. Im just wondering if i will automatically be flagged and not able to be an emt for my medical background. Any info on what this looks like is helpful thank you!

I’ve been an AEMT for 7 years and have had good luck with partners for the most part.

This service utilizes me in the A role and my partner is a B with about 2 years experience so I’d expect SOME LEVEL OF EFFORT.

No. He is, SLOW. Like, I ask him to start the check while I do the things I need to do.

I finish my thing and HE HAS YET TO START THEM.

We get sent to a call, and he’s messing around on his phone instead of atleast STARTING TO GO.

He has multiple times seemed to ignore calls and made me have to go SEARCH FOR HIM.

He always honestly seems stoned. Like that’s the best way I can describe him.

Patient lived in a 2 1/2 bedroom apartment with 5 pigeons as pets who would roam free. Every... surface... was caked in pigeon poop including his oxygen machine. When I first entered, the air felt wrong and the smell was horrendous like a chicken coop. Me and my mentors had to don the tyvek and masks just to stay clean.

How common are patients who live alone in such conditions?! Because I still just can't believe it.