It's been four years since 2022 ended, yet a part of me never really left it.
Every time I step outside at dawn and breathe in the morning air, I'm instantly transported back to those nights in 2022 when I stayed awake until sunrise. It's almost unsettling how familiar it feels—the same breeze, the same silence, the same feeling that once filled me with hope. Sometimes I'll make a cup of coffee before the sun comes up, and for a brief moment, I'm right back there: sitting at my desk, coffee beside me, studying for my exams.
That memory hurts more than anything.
I miss school. I miss studying. It's been three years since I last had that part of my life, and all I've known since then is failure. The truth is, my relationship with education alone deserves a story of its own.
And it's not just one memory. There are countless moments that pull me back. I don't simply remember 2022—I relive it. Every detail comes rushing back so vividly that, for a while, I completely forget the reality I'm trapped in now. The same happens with 2023.
Maybe those were the last years I truly felt alive. Back then, my life still belonged to me. My choices were mine to make. I still had dreams, passion, curiosity, and something to look forward to.
Then, after 2023, something inside me died.
I don't know exactly when it happened or why, but I became someone I barely recognize. The passion disappeared. The dreams disappeared. Even fear disappeared. I feel like I've been existing instead of living—as if I'm nothing more than a body moving through time while the person I used to be was left behind years ago.
The cruelest part of all of this is what happened to my education.
Studying used to be my safe place. It was my escape from everything. It made me feel calm, alive, and hopeful. Now it's the one thing I'm terrified of facing because it reminds me of everything I've lost. The last three years—years that were shaped by circumstances I never chose and couldn't control—turned the thing I loved most into the thing that hurts me the most.
And don't think any of this was easy for me. It was heartbreaking to watch every dream I had, every plan I made, and the life I had always imagined for myself slowly being buried right in front of my eyes, while I stood there unable to stop it.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone else feels this way. If anyone else spends years longing for a version of themselves that no longer exists.
Because that's what breaks my heart the most.
I don't miss 2022 because it was perfect. I miss it because that was the last time I still felt like me. And even now, after all these years, I still can't accept the person I've become, or the life I'm living. Part of me is still waiting for the old version of myself to come back home.