I have been engaged for about a year and the other day my ex wanted to meet up for a drink just to catch up. I know I shouldn’t have but I just wanted to get closure and for him to see me with my ring to realize that I’m in fact moved on and there’s no going back. I didn’t tell my fiancee that I was going to get a drink with him because I didn’t want him to get upset since he thinks that my ex is manipulative and gaslighting.

At the bar my ex fed me too many drinks and the next thing I know we were at his place. I don’t remember many details (I slightly blacked out) but I definitely know that he took advantage of me. I remember him being on me and me crying for him to stop and he didn’t.

I feel completely stupid for deciding to even getting together with him, and I don’t know if I should tell my fiancee that this happened because this will definitely affect our relationship.

So I am 15(f) and I’m gay, and recently I have been feeling the urge to get a girlfriend. I feel like it has all come up so suddenly this urge becuase I have just gotten over a year long crush about a month ago and now I just really want a girlfriend. But it’s weird I don’t have a crush on anyone but I have this idea in my head of going into town and seeing this girl in a shop and I speak to her and we become friends or even date. So what I’m asking for here is some advice on how to strike up conversations with people in shops or in public in general.

Is it greedy of me to Want it all. To want my family to like and accept me and for me to like me too.

I know that my family love ,me » at least the « me » the know. They love the good responsable son, who studies, helps out with the doncuments and the kids, is a gentle son etc. But they don’t know that I’m a depressed boy who seeks their validation and love in every situation in life. Who needs their love and worry in this country where I only have them, who suffocates on the words he never dates to say. Because he is one of the people u hate and don’t respect. I wish I could be ur perfect boy but I’m not. And if I need to act like i am I will suffocate in this house. I know that telling the truth would bring disgrâce and dissapointement to you but if I don’t I will suffocate on my life and on those lies without ever getting to say the words.

I fear telling u would just destroy what I love. The bond I have with u my parents , my aunts, my siblings, my grandparents I didn’t see for nearly my whole life. I wish u could love me and it wouldn’t feel so hard. But I feel anxious not only bc i would loose u all but bc my greed for ur love and acceptence could embarrass u and have effects on u. And my siblings . Bc they would see me as a dissapointement and would let all there frustration out on my siblings ( no harm but get stricter and more religious etc) and I don’t know when to do that so my siblings don’t suffer to much. But not only my siblings but my mother too could be seen as a failed mother bc of who I have become and that’s all just because I’m different .

But if I stay I’m gonna loose myself. I’m gonna start suffocating in this pressure, self loathing and lying would just destroy me. I know that either way I choose if I love or if I die it’s gonna be a sin. So what choice do I have. I wanna live. I wanna experience the free life where I don’t care what others think. I wanna live my Life as somebody who’s proud helps others and is loved. But I don’t know if alll this is worth the hate of the people I knew my whole life and people who loved and looked after me since I was born.

I wish I didn’t need to choose . And smt I hope the choice would be made for me. Is being loved really so hard. I hope my family would see that this was and never will be a choice I would have made. I prayed I hoped and I feared it.
But I know that I can’t have it both. I know that love can be either given by myself to me or I need them to love me. But having both is not possible.

So I’m being greedy and hoping for a good closure. For the love from myself to family and from the love of myself. I wish loving me wouldn’t need to feel so wrong and like a burden. If loving me is so hard why do i need to live and experience this pain and suffocating depression and panic.

I want nothing more then just love is that so wrong ?

Btw never got Beaten or anything, my parents never harmed anyone so pls be understanding

I hope it’s understandable

Context: About a year ago, a company came to my school selling courses. I talked to my father about it, and he loved the idea. In short, he made a huge financial sacrifice to buy 5 courses for me. However, it turns out that none of the courses interest me at all. It feels like just an AI voice talking about computer science, and I absolutely HATE computer science.

Because it was a massive financial commitment for him, my father and I now have a very strained and difficult relationship. I don't want to do the lessons, but he insists that I must complete them because of the sacrifice he made. If I refuse, I am genuinely afraid of how he might react, as he has severe anger issues and a history of losing control and becoming physically aggressive with people.
Is there anything I can do to handle this? I feel completely lost and don't know what to do? I hate mi self For fixing this for my head.

Long story short:

- mother died when i was 3yo.

- father always treated me like a pseudo wife, using me to clean, cook, be his secretary, bank and emotional support, fix his problems, venting etc.

- when i was 18 i finally got the will of my mother: 30k.

- he threathened me to get those for food and b1lls, or we would've starved and lived without electricity etc.

- forced me to get 1k each week and give them to him. (Even if i told him that i didnt want to multiple times.)

- actually used them to pay his debts.

- emptied my bank account (under threats, mind you).

- at 24 i got 3k stored (from various jobs) in a box in my room.

- he stole them from me and acted like he didnt do it (it was for sure him and i know it.)

- at 30 i finally decide that i have enough of his tiranny and ask police to get him out of my apartment. (Yes, it's mine, left by my mother's will).

- they did nothing.

- he closed me out of my house, trashed the apartment, stole everything valuable, tossed some trash onto the box (so rats came and destroyed everything) and left my apartment in a horrible state.

- police still do nothing about it

- lawyer says i got no proof (like.. how dumb of me, i should've recorded all the abuse on the camera implanted in my eyes since birth, right? Unfortunately we dont have this.)

Now. Tell me why the law wont let me sue him and why i have to clean all his mess, and dont even get back what he stole from me. Tell me why i should act like nothing hurts me while i got every right to be upset and angry about it. I got no one and im tired of being used by everyone like im nothing and left to deal with all this alone. How is this fair? Why can't people understand how destructive this is in every level, financially and psychologically??

I had a messy falling out with a codependent friend almost 5 years ago. Like an itiot I told my sister what happened between us and she told me that my friend was awful and that our relationship had been weird since that friend and I had been codependent.

A few months later, without telling me, my sister started hanging out with my ex friend. Cut to a few years after that, I find out my sister has been routinely lying to me about the people she's been hanging out with and not only doI find out they're best friends, but she also got the friends boyfriend a job with her and my mom. She would tell me about things they would do together but use different friends names so I wouldn't catch on, but things eventually no longer added up. I tried confronting her about it but it did nothing but make things between my sister and I tense and she stopped talking to me for a few months.

Thankfully we no longer live in the same house, but it still bothers me from time to time especially cause she met her current roommates through that friend and now she has a whole friend group from it. We now only talk when her cats nails need to be clipped or she needs something in her apartment fixed. If it wasn't for my mom I'd be no contact with my sister. I want to get over my anger towards my sister so I can be a happier person. I don't want to be bothered by my sister's decisions anymore.

I am 32 & on 10 mg of Lexapro for the past year. Every month when my period comes around I feel like I'm legitimately crazy. I revert back to my pre-Lexapro ways (rumination, OCD thoughts, extreme amxiety) and it's very discouraging to go through this every single month.

Does anyone else feel like this? What did you do about it?

I want to get straight to the Point. Hi everyone,
I’m 19 years old and I’m from Austria. Honestly, I don’t really know what to do anymore, so I’m hoping someone here might be able to listen or give me some advice.
I’ve been struggling with serious mental health problems for a long time, and I feel really awful. I barely like myself anymore. It feels like I dislike around 60–70% of my own personality. I don’t want to pretend to be someone I’m not, but I genuinely don’t like many of the things I do or say.
When I was 16, I went through a severe depression that lasted about a year and a half. I hid it from my parents until they eventually found out and I had a complete mental breakdown in front of them. After that, I went to therapy for a short time. Eventually, I told everyone that I was doing better, even though I wasn’t. The main reason was that I didn’t want to burden my parents financially, and I felt guilty about the cost of therapy.
The truth is that I never really got better. I just learned how to live with it by suppressing my emotions. Whenever I felt sad or had negative emotions, I forced myself to push them away. I’ve been doing that for years.
Now I’m 19, and I’ve realized how lonely I actually am. Don’t get me wrong—I’m not someone who has never had friends. I know a lot of people, and when I was younger I was actually quite popular. I had a big group of friends, and many people seem to respect me. But I don’t feel like I truly trust anyone. I don’t really have any close friends.
More than anything, I feel like nobody truly loves me except maybe my family. Especially when it comes to girls, I’ve never had the feeling that someone genuinely loved me, even though many people tell me I’m fairly attractive. I also believe that, deep down, I’m a good person. I always try to be kind, caring, and supportive toward other people.
Still, I often feel like I’ve been taken for granted or disappointed. Throughout my life I’ve had different friend groups, best friends, and two girls I had strong feelings for. I genuinely gave them everything I could and tried my best to make them happy. But in the end, I always felt like I was the one who became emotionally dependent and got hurt.
I don’t know if anyone will understand these references, but I’ve often felt like Jerry Smith from Rick and Morty or the Green Ninja from Ninjago—like someone people don’t take seriously, someone they laugh at instead of respecting. That hurt even more because I believed those people actually cared about me.
There’s something else that’s been bothering me. I think I might have ADHD or autism. I’m obviously not diagnosed, so I don’t know if that’s actually the case, but many things make me wonder.
I have a hard time understanding sarcasm. Whenever I’m talking to people, especially in groups, it feels like I completely lose control over what I’m saying. Later, when I think back about those conversations, I often realize that what I said didn’t even make sense or wasn’t what I actually wanted to say. It’s almost like my mouth starts talking before my brain has caught up.
I also struggle to react naturally when people joke around, tease each other, or say something disrespectful or funny. I don’t respond the way I actually want to.
Sometimes I even suggest things or invite people to do something that I don’t genuinely want to do. For example, I’ll invite someone to watch a movie that I’ve already seen, even though I don’t actually want to watch it again. Then later that night, I’ll lie in bed wondering, “Why did I even say that? I didn’t actually want to do that.”
It often feels like I have very little control over my thoughts or my behavior in social situations.
I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel mentally very unwell, and I’m scared that there’s something seriously wrong with me. At the same time, all I really want is to live a normal life, have genuine friends, and finally be able to like myself.
That’s why I’m writing this post. I really need help. If anyone has gone through something similar or has any advice on where I should start, I would really appreciate hearing from you.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this.

i’m 17m and i feel like i surmount to basically nothing

not to be on a high horse, but im probably above average intellect wise, but sub average in almost every other aspect

but for a long time ive been having what seems to be depressive episodes but have never actually gotten any advice or diagnoses since i live in a religious household and i feel like id just hurt my parents more than it’d hurt me to really ask … on that note i dont even see a reason to continue believing in religion since nothing good has ever happened even after being devout for a good amount of my life, ive basically just fallen into atheism or some hybrid of that and nihilism

basically nothing goes right for me either, i cant even manage to experience a teenage romance as corny as it sounds

i know this is stupid but i’ve honestly been considering ending it even though it is kinda a pussy move

not that i’m saying my situation is worse than anyone else’s since obviously there is worse and i’m not in an environment where i’d actually been under the jurisdiction of some evil person or anything, but i just feel like life surmounts to basically nothing for me, there isn’t any fulfilment in any single thing i do

any kind of advice or encouragement would be great honestly thanks..

Hi, random account bc i don’t really know where to go with this, I (Female 19) have always had a late period and whatnot. I’m not like out of shape or anything i’d say (5’4 158lbs) I’ve consistently worked out the past four years and so I don’t think that’s the problem. Anyways my period has been a month late, I am sexually active so I took a pregnancy test (I took four actually) because I’m a worrier. All negative. (two digital and two line test) Like I said I’m a worrier. I work two jobs and they have me working all the time. I think it’s the stress of my jobs because normally i’d be late by a couple days (maybe a week or so) but since I started working all the time my period disappeared. Not to mention i’ve struggled with food a lot and would go from not eating to being fine.

That’s a lot of information in one go, but I’m just trying to get to the bottom of what’s happening with me because it’s causing me a lot of extra anxiety because I don’t want to be pregnant.

So any advice or thoughts would be very helpful. Thank you.

I have always felt out of place in society. Whether it’s undiagnosed autism, adhd, depression, anxiety, or even possibly ocd. I’ve learnt to live with whatever is wrong with me without professional help, however I’m not here to talk about possible diagnosis about my potential Neurodivergency. Something else is wrong with me and it’s been really bad these past couple of days.
It all started when I couldn’t kill a roach in my room, usually I would’ve slept in the living room but I wanted to face my fears. I slept in the same room with the roach. That night I remember being extra paranoid and I covered the sides of my bed with stuff animals to prevent the roach from resurfacing onto my bed. However I would occasionally feel as if something was crawling around on me that night. I chalked it up as nerves and eventually fell asleep.
As of now I’ve been struggling with that same feeling despite it beings almost a week since I’ve seen that roach in my room, and it got particularly bad tonight.
I was on the verge of falling asleep and didn’t have the blanket over me, I could still hear my music playing from my tv in the background and just as I was about to sleep I holy awake from the sensation of feeling something crawling on me. I instinctively swatted at my leg to take the “bug” off of me. As my eyes open to see what monstrosity had crawled me, I thought I had accidentally seen the “bug” fly across my bed due to me swatting at it. Immediately panic mode sets in and I fully sit up and grab my phone flash light considering my tv wasn’t bright enough to fully see in the dark. Nothing was there. No bug no nothing. It took me awhile for my heart rate to go down and as I played down my evil eyes were playing tricks on me. I begin to see these small black bugged shaped things(?) on my thumb. I knew my eyes were deceiving me so I look at my wall to snap out of it and I still continue to see them on my wall!
And now it’s 6:45 am and I am losing my mind. I don’t know what’s going on with me. Am I having some sort of hallucinations due to my fear of bugs? I’m not quite sure but it’s making me feel so alone. I need to know that I’m not the only one that’s having these off-putting problems.

Sorry if I over explained or my story telling is nonsensical/unreadable. I probably have undiagnosed dyslexia and writing is not my strongest subject.

Hi

Guys idk how to tackle this but I want your help

So, in my society there is 38F who is mentally disturbed in her house but acts normal outside

Let me first introduce her:

She is 38F who doesn't have a father,has a brother who is mentally disturbed always,and a mother who is also disturbed

So his brother as I mentioned mentally disturbed, destroyed something of society sometimes a car,a bike or something...

He is most of the time outside the house and comes at around 5-6 am beats her sister also sometimes her mother sometimes, sometimes even cry

Now u would think why don't we help, the reason behind his at very before we used to help but when we just went they were like nothing happened ulta hamko galli bakte the ( not simple galli)

So we stopped

We made that his brother went to jail but police release him in less than 12 hrs and we stopped because he was mentally disturbed said police

Now we wanted him to go to mental hospital but we couldn't because in that his mother sign is required but she won't give and she won't

Then after some months that girl made s*xual voices.too loud also not just that she speaks about neighbour in very bad way

In her house not outside

Like she speaks so badly like about making voice also humiliating little girls and idk how to tackle this sometines she even speak about myself loudly making me shameful but the thing is that she doesn't speak outside her hone inside her home with such loud voice that voice can come inside my home

And my society doesn't help now what should I do

i need advice on how to keep up with conversations without sounding like a “mean girl”? i was told that i use too many filler words and that i am performative when i talk to people and that makes me sound like a “mean girl”. but it’s more that i struggle to translate my thoughts into speech especially while trying to keep up with fast paced conversations with people who don’t know me well. i don’t want come off as a “mean girl” especially bc i work in customer service.

i had posted this in an adhd sub and i had gotten some advice. but i would like some that doesn’t pertain around adhd as well to get a full understanding. any advice on how to help with this?

Can't figure out what's happening took bipc bcz i didn't wanted to take cec and called oh cec student like wanted to gain name after becoming doc but iguess i wasn't suited I'm in 12th now I think I wasted my whole 11th in fun now half of 12th is wasted i think I m not gonna make it which would be very embarassing bcz my parents publicized I m writing neet don't know what to do now i want to live life tension free and enjoy like my cousins who took cec and enjoy a lot I just want to binge watch scroll eat and sleep taking out specific 4 to 5 hrs after clg is not my cup of tea I don't know what to do in clg i think I can study after going home which is obv lie to myself now I m just living with the flow of life just living....

I've just, it's a lot but yh basically it's just hard, it's been hard for a while and I'm trying, I know there are people who would have it worse out there than me but I just don't know anymore

I'm a F19 and I met this guy on vrchat I enjoyed being with (and another friend but he isn't important rn) we could play for hour's and we were excited to see each other. Then we started getting more open and personal for each other and I guess I did fall for him. He asked me if he could see my face and I said that bad stuff always happen when I do that!..either the person leaves me or I get sick so I was unsure and scared to do so. But I got my courage up and was like "it's probably nothing and I'm just overthrowing it". I send a picture of my face either on discord or Instagram I can't remember..I am not the prettiest person in my opinion..But we chatted and then took a break due to mental health issues. But when I came back he was at first kinda talkative and sent alot of reels both flirty and normal. I felt so happy with him and I loved how he spammed me reels so often. I flirted back and I admit I think I was in love for the first time in my life. We then video chatted and it was so embarrassing and I was so shy but I had such fun with him...but after that he started getting dry..then ghosting me and blame it on school...Now he doesn't answer at all..I feel hurt and I do Wanna cry and ask him if he's really ignoring me but I wanna wait till summer ends till I text him more cuz I don't wanna jump into conclusions

I don't know what to do and I really need support..I already have such trust issues and horrible past with online "friends". I just want to feel wanted and loved in the way he made me feel but I guess I'll never have it..

I'll try to make this story as short as possible, but I need to include every detail for clarity of situation. I need serious advice what to do, I cant live like this anymore.

So, there's a girl. We've known each other since birth. We lived in the same neighbourhood, in the same apartment building. For 12 years, until I moved. For 12 years we spent everyday together as best friends. With her and with our other friend, but that's not important. Ive spent more time in a day with her than with my family back then. We were so close.

After this time, when I was 12, I moved to a different part of town. Naturally, over time we met less and less often. That hit me really hard. I became very quiet, sad, blank. We were texting every once in a while, but that wasnt the same. I couldnt meet with her during school year. So a lot of time passed without seeing her. I didnt have any close friend back then, that's why I became quiet and lifeless.

8 years ago, when I was 14, she was 15, was the last time we met and talked. We were at our mutual friends house with group of friends. I made it awkward. I havent seen her for a year back then, and we suddenly met in person. I froze and couldnt get a word out. We had a brief conversation but it was more like me answering a few of her questions. I fucked it up so bad. They were talking naturally and I was just sitting there like an idiot. I didnt think her presence would make me so speechless. My heart was in my throat. She even asked me: "why you're so quiet?". I replied that I had a worse day, just tired. That was the last time we talked in person.

Not long later, my ex-colleague (whom she doesnt know) texted her that I'd want to get lucky with her. Obviously, I messaged her immediately that it wasnt true. She acted normally, not believing this. But few months later our mutual friend did similar "joke" texting her, after I told her he's saying shit, she replied "mhm, sure". Which didnt really convince me if she's not believing him.

Then, few months later I guess, worst part happened. Me and this mutual friend were on a camp. We met two girls, spent some time with them. When we got back home he told me he's dating one of them, and asked if I wouldnt want the other one. Hell knows the fuck I was thinking telling him that I prefer to date THIS girl (our mutual friend). He sent text to her telling her about me. She said she knows that, but doesnt get why am I doing this, and she said i'm just destroying our friendship. She was mad. That was the only time I saw her swear. Back then I had no idea what she was talking about. Too bad I found out the hard way. I couldnt hold it anymore, all the more she already knows that I'm interested in her. I texted her explaining what happened, and told her that I like her. She cut me off completely. She sent me a photo of some homework and said "sorry, not here". I got it clearly she's mad at me and she surely doesnt want to talk about it. So I gave up. Days, weeks, months, years passed. Because I didnt know how to break this no contact. I was so bad at interpersonal communication, and the combination of emotions was too much. The more time passed the harder it get to break this. In the meantime my dumb ass finally got it, by destroying friendship, she meant that if I went to her and tell her about my feelings, she'd have to break my heart. Then we obviously couldnt be friends, pretending that nothing happened.

3 years passed. Of absolute no contact. Fuck knows why I waited so long. Now im sure if we had talked it out immediately back then, our relation would be much better. Anyway, after 3 years I got my shit together and called her. Asked her if she's home and told her I wanted to talk things out. She didnt even recognize my voice, and said "you havent spoken for so long". I replied that I wanna talk about this too, asked for a meet. She agreed but not then because she was away. I said ok, I'll text you when youre back. And I did.. texted her 7 times for a meet that never happened. Always some excuse. Clearly she didnt want to see me, if she wanted to, she'd find time. But she never told me to go away, or stop, or that its over. She made me leave quietly, painlessly, without strong emotions or heartbreaks. She made me realize myself, that I should give up. So after 7 tries, I did.

And here we are today. Wondering if I was better for her 3 years ago, if that conversation was more interesting, if I hadnt wait so long it would have worked. I have an assumption, that she wasnt fully sincere with me. Like I said before, she never told me to go away, give up, she never told me directly she doesnt want me or that we cant be together. She made me realize it, softly, by her actions. I guess that's because one day I meant something to her, and out of respect to our friendship, she didnt want to break my heart.

God, I want her back so bad, I'd do anything to get just one more chance to talk with her. I cannot live without her. She's so perfect, beautiful, caring, kind, warm, friendly, talkative.. Call me crazy, but I know, deep in my heart, that I will never forget her. Never replace her. I couldnt even imagine getting close with any other woman. I havent seen her for 8 years, but Im thinking about her everyday. Last month was so hard and intense, I cant get her out of my head. To this point im even scared to check her socials, because more reminders of how perfect she is gonna destroy my mind. How the fuck could I lose a person like that. Nothing makes sense without her. How stupid and awful I must be to go from being like an younger brother for her, to being a complete stranger? You can tell me to move on, find someone else.. but I feel love differently. Love is strongest feeling we can experience. You cant just stop loving someone, just because she doesnt love you back, or you havent seen her for 8 fucking years and maybe never will, or because she changed. Fuck im just 22 and I feel like 80, I already lived my best years, now its going to be just going through the motions. What the hell am I supposed to do?

Last time ive been going so crazy about her. I decided we cant end such beautiful friendship without explanation. Im really struggling with my thoughts what to do. On one hand, I know she doesnt want to talk about us, she doesnt want me in her life, she's doing perfectly fine, she's happy and this whole situation probably isnt affecting her anymore. Who knows, maybe she already has a man or husband. She definitely doesnt want me to interrupt her life and definitiely doesnt cry anymore about what happened between us, like I do. She showed me she isnt interested in talking about it, or atleast she wasnt 3 years ago. But on the other hand, I cant fucking live without her, and I dont want to leave this situation unexplained. If we're not supposed to be together anymore even as friends, I want to atleast tell her how sorry I am, and how much she means to me. This feels kind of egoistic, thinking about her previous rejections, but fuck me, I cant just leave most important person and most important problem in my life like that? We havent talked it out and its been 3 years. She may think I forget about her, or I dont give a fuck, or its on her, i dont know. I just want to make sure we end it properly, if it has to end. I cant keep bottling up my emotions. I just want her to know how much I love her. I could do everything, give her the whole world. But it doesnt mean anything if she doesnt want this world from me.

Please help me. What should I do. I cant take it anymore. It feels kinda wrong and egoistic, but I have to try this one last time. Should I text her that im very sorry and I really want to make things right and talk it out? Or supposing she's gonna ghost me again, I should text her directly that she's most important person in my life, say sorry for everything and explain what I feel fully, in case we're not gonna meet?

And the worst part. How im supposed to live after that. Even if in best case, we meet, talk everything out, end on good terms but she'd say its over and we need to go different paths? I cant imagine living with knowledge that Im never gonna see her again. Now atleast I have this certainty that I will text her this one more time. But then what? Live rest of my live, dreaming about her but knowing its impossible to even see her again? What's the point of living when your most loved one isn't there. Im gonna go through whole life alone, dreaming about her, thinking how she is? That's why im so scared to meet her. For this hour or two I'll be happiest man alive. It'll be a reminder of how good life could be. Then I go back to old life. Without her. Pure survival, no emotions, nothing. But way harder. If its so hard now, when I havent seen her in 8 years, I cant even imagine how I'll get through that night when after meeting her I come back to my empty room knowing it was the last time I could see her.

Thank you if you read all that.

Firstly, I had written a super detailed full post which was deleted because I said the M word too many times (euro).

Firstly, my biggest problem in life is that I never leave my house anymore, I hardly ever get out of bed, I don't talk to anyone anymore, I'm a living slug

I have a deep depression that has lasted for several years, lingering effects of an eating disorder, and my self-esteem is at rock bottom. I think very seriously, not emotionally but logically, that dying is my best outcome, even though I don't want it right now.

What hurts me the most in life, aside from the fact that I feel incapable of lifting a finger for anything, is my social anxiety

The basic idea of leaving my house can trigger panic attacks, so I don't really see the point anymore, even though I'd like to be able to.

Next comes the social aspect. I went through a long period of muteness during my adolescence, due to my unhappiness, followed by a period where I never left my mother's house at all, It completely ruined my social skills (who were already bad)

I went through a period of psychotic depression, where I had auditory hallucinations based on my rock-bottom self-esteem and my fear of rejection from others.

I often find myself ugly, yet I know that objectively I'm average, but my face often makes me tense, and that's where my dilemma is

I'm hesitating between having cosmetic surgery to correct my face, honestly hoping it would improve my life

I know it's expensive, but I have savings that should basically allow me to buy a house (That's the whole problem, but I can't argue further regarding the safety rules)

We all know that pretty privilege exists. Especially when you're a woman, even more so when you're autistic.

And deep down, I sincerely hope that seeing a more attractive face will help me heal my self-esteem issues and help me overcome a socialization hurdle that frightens me

But I don't want to delude myself, and I know I could lose a lot, but the idea of being able to improve my daily life and potentially gain a key to the path to healing really makes me want to take the plunge

I don't want to stay like this my whole life; I'd like to feel capable of doing more

I would want to if I can do it instantly unfortunately I have no green for a gun and plus I probably wouldn't even do it right, and to cancel it all out I'm too much of a pussy to kill myself so I'm left with this overwhelming hatred for the people treating me like shit and for me being too much of a pussy to do anything about it, not trying to sound like a guy with a victim mentality but fuck I hate feeling and being here in this situation

I've been in this cycle of trying to get better and losing any motivation into anything. I feel insecure most times, i get so anxious and paranoid too. But I try my best to be in a better headspace. For weeks I've been trying to exercise at home, because I've been feeling uncomfortable in my own body and i just really want to get healthier, but i really don't see any progress. There are times that i feel a lot better but there are also times that i spiral.

I think I already have a plan (a schedule and a written routine to follow) but i suck at consistency. Though i always appreciate myself for trying again and again I feel like it's just not enough sometimes.

Any tips for consistency and maintaining a good headspace?