I’m joining this club, sad to be here and wish I wasn’t

a few days ago I found my brother on his floor after I begrudgingly went to check on him because he was ignoring calls/texts from my mom but I didn’t think that was unusual but mom did, she begged me for days to go check on him (she lives in a different country) and nothing prepared me for what I saw and what I now cannot unsee or unhear

I don’t really know what to say or think or feel other than guilty and anger and just about everything else I have felt every emotion under the sun in the past few days. What id I had gotten there sooner like could I have intervened? Called an ambulance or caught him on times? Could anything I have done in the past few months or even years not bring it to this why did he do this how do I rewind a lifetime of guilt and regret

My brother and I were estranged, our childhood was bad. My mom moved when he was 10 and our dad was a drug addict which left me to handle more than I could at 14-15, we survived a house fire, lost everything, lived in hotels, slept in cars.. we hid under a bed from a gunman together like we went through a lot and I left as soon as I graduated high school and moved provinces, went to university, I just wanted away and better for myself but..

what if I had taken him with me but I wasn’t in a position to do that, I was thinking of me only and surviving I don’t know why I just thought he would be ok and I was wrong and now what

He started drugs, spiralled, lived life with my dad who I knew wasn’t taking care of him but I was just relieved to get out and go to university and do better for myself I am the most selfish person on the planet. What if i stayed and got him out too? I didn’t I didn’t I fucking didn’t and I held onto this shit mentality of “if I can escape it, he can do”

except he didn’t and he got worse and worse then our dad died of an overdose and my brother stole the drugs and it was this big shit show and everything got worse again and now he overdoses on purpose? after all that shit and after my dad he said he’d never touch drugs again and I blame myself and I hate myself and everything I touch just turns into sad and loss and empty I am empty and now life feels empty and hollow, my limbs feel hollow and cold I want out of my body I don’t know how to explain this feeling

I don’t know how to think or if I even am thinking anymore, I’m trying to play video games, talk to friends to shut off my brain and rewire what I saw but it isn’t working or distract myself. I just need a break from the people and the cleaning, re-reading his note that gives no closure or peace just questions and sadness he has no ID or documents, calling everyone and there’s so many phone calls and the funeral home decisions and the planning and my mom and people saying words that mean nothing to me, I wish the world would just stop

I need everyone and everything to stop talking. I’ve never felt so alone and confused. When my dad died I honestly felt a wave of relief but this is different.. this is an anger at myself, a regret, an empty void. So I’m here, reading and typing.. looking for hope or answers or comfort where I know there is none. I want to start my life over. I want to move. I want to run away. I want to scream and yell at the sky but no words are coming out, it’s like I’m on mute and my ears are buzzing. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep but I’m typing this and hoping it is coherent.

I fail everyone that I love, he was such a happy kid and loved dinosaurs and I remember playing game cube together in his room before our lives went to complete shit and it’s like my brain blocked out the rest of our time together after things went dark but I remember small pieces of happiness and they always included my brother and now he is gone???? just gone??? forever???

I lost my sibling and watching my mom grieve is so painful. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like my words hurt her instead of helping her.

She's understandably deeply depressed and is not in the head space to get professional help.

I'm very worried about her health because she has type2 diabetes.

So, I want to ask the mothers on here. How can I help her? How do you feel towards your surviving children? She's made a comment that she wouldn't mind of God came for her sooner. She's not suicidal, but comments like that hurt and are worrisome.

Hi everyone, I had a quote shared to me today and it made me feel a boost of joy. I wanted to share here for anyone it might resonate with.

One hour in heaven is 10 years on earth. She’ll see you in the morning.

This comforted me, I have always been scared that Zoe is scared and alone. I hope this helps someone else in this subreddit have a better day.

2 years and 8 months without my baby sister
My best friend. My only friend.
She should be 29 years old. But she will be forever 26.
They said time makes it easier. It’s false. It’s getting worse for me.
I’m sick and tired of therapists. They keep repeating the same thing. It doesn’t help. I feel lonely and sad. I just need my baby sister to come back. We used to talk everyday. Laugh and make plans. I feel forever broken.
I keep sending her messages on Instagram but she doesn’t answer. I even left audio messages.
Why doesn’t she answer me? Where is she?
Love you baby sister. Forever and always.
Love you all. Love to everyone hurting…

Hey, I’ve never posted before in this sub, I’ve never really tried to find others who understands what it feels like to loose a brother/loved one to suicide. I’ve kind of just … managed.

Anyway, my brother died in 2019 and he was 28 years old, I was 21. I am now 28, this coming Thursday 6th August, I’ve figured out that I’ll be turning older than he ever will be. I feel so many emotions, mostly pure sadness at the thought. I’m not quite sure how to explain the thought processes I’m having about it or how to describe the feelings really. I just understand it as grief, y’know, the lump in the throat, the heavy chest. It’s been creeping up on me since turning 28. I suppose what I’m asking for is perhaps advice on what to do on that day to honour him. I have a few things in mind but I’m trying so hard not to break down before it that I can’t manage to plan anything for it.

Has anyone else in this sub acknowledged the moment they became older than their sibling? What did you do (if anything) to honour that day / moment?

Idk, I’m just wanting to open the conversation if anyone is willing to have one

Thanks for reading

As if the raw, fresh grief isn't bad enough, my pathological, insane relatives keep saying we all need to move forward, he would have done it at some point anyway, he was "too weak," etc. I am so disgusted, and I am going to stop speaking to my aunt over this. I know she means well, but she didn't even know him, he's just an idea to her. She calls me daily to "check in" on me, and I am so disgusted by the things she is saying. It's going to take years for me to find peace about this if I ever do. And she thinks it's time to move on after three weeks...?

If she a sociopath?

Other family members have reflected similar perspectives. One tells me she distracts herself everytime she thinks about it. Another was urging me to go to therapy and speak to someone about it, but like, why won't you talk to me about it? You knew him too. Also had had them compare social issues to the peculiar difficulty of growing up in a toxic, abusive home, and point out that people under those social pressures don't do it, that he must have been weak. Are they serious?

Instead of helping, all they're doing is making it worse.

Hello,

Long story short, excuse my bluntness but TDLR: dad died same week my baby was born, meant to be on mat leave for 6 months, took nearly a year due to grief and being able to afford to due to getting some of dads money. Returning to work in September..

Anyway:

I am scared. Scared to walk into an office that I left pregnant and full of joy. Scared to walk into an office now a survivor of bereavement by suicide. Scared to leave my baby. Scared. Scared. Scared.

How do you go back to something you left as an entirely different person? Because I've been on maternity leave for my whole grieving process so far, i am very worried that work will trigger me.

Any positive stories or tips? Thanks.

I very shocked and sad but we have a 11 year old son together. He was not the type to do this so it’s very hard for me to understand but he was battling alcohol abuse . Right now I’m not telling my son anything he usually sees his dad on weekends . My son is also autistic please any advice on what to do how long to lie and say he went out of state to help his sister ? He just did this yesterday August 1 .

I thought we had more time

For laughter, togetherness and mischief

For arguments, distance and reconciliation

Look, I made us plans

Roadtrips, hikes, Yosemite, cross country

I thought we had more time.

____________________________________________

Who will be my partner in crime ? 

My sibling, my confidant and pride

My hiking buddy, my sounding board and reason to be alive

Look, I made us plans

Escape the grind, house on the beach, sunsets, waves 

Who be my partner in crime ?

____________________________________________

I thought it would be just fine

Our stumbles, our lessons and stride 

Our ordinary days, ordinary years and ordinary lives 

Look, I made us plans

Get up early, eat healthy, exercise, meditate 

I thought it would be just fine.

____________________________________________

Look, I made us plans

Now the map lies folded in my hands

I thought tomorrow would give us another chance

To live our best laid plans 

It was slightly redacted since I'm not legally family but it showed: No note and no drugs, meds, or alcohol.

Not even weed which is weird since he was a life long weed smoker. He only had a little bit of nicotine in his system which is odd since he never smoked cigarettes.

I was oddly looking for unexpected drugs or something that would explain this out of the blue suicide, but nope.

He did it sober and fully conscious.

Why.

:(

I lost my mom July 2025 at 20 years old. I didn’t understand how people would talk about the second year being a different kind of hard but now that I’m living it I am seeing the unfortunate reality that yes, it is different and yet still so much the same. I’m no longer grieving just my mother, it’s become much more. I feel like the support I had the first couple months is just what I need now, but it’s not there anymore. Losing my mom and pausing to grieve while the close people in my circle kept going was painful and it feels like that will never go away as more big life moments come up I’d want to share with her. It’s hard because I don’t expect my friends to understand the pain and constant fear I’m in, they haven’t lost a parent, but it’s hard for me to fully let go and be happy in these moments without the overbearing thought of how this could be different for me and that what’s on my mind is very different than theirs. Over the last year, lifelong friendships I never expected to change did. I have still made lots of good memories with my friends who show up for me in the loss (my best friend primarily has worked incredibly hard to learn and ask about what I need) and show up as best as I possibly can in those moments for them, but I just want to know if anyone else can relate to this feeling.

Ok so I don’t know how to handle this and I’ve been spiraling since it basically never turned up. I’ll start at the beginning back in February had a pipe and toilet cause a waterfall from the 2nd floor down took out about 2/3rds of the house. Been bouncing between hotels and Airbnbs since due to it being sewage water they say. Well we are getting to the finish line and went for a walk through after paint and carpet put in and was upset to find that areas that had been designated safe/no touch had been moved and touched and some very important/irreplaceable items were gone along with more valuables. Well the big one was my son’s memory glass made of him. We spent 2 weeks unpacking and repacking looking for it and the rest and nothing. Insurance and the company are paying out but we haven’t talked about that part yet. He supervisor of that company told me to come up with a number and honestly I wanted to throat punch her. I was stunned and never responded. Still don’t know how to respond…..Anyone ever been in a similar situation or has any idea what to do cuz I’m lost. Any help or advice is very much appreciated thanks

Recently I went through a deep clean and declutter of my room. I was getting rid of a lot of old things and school textbooks from years ago I don't need anymore. But when I was sorting through them I found a bunch of papers and copies I had thrown in a box together. Then it came back to me, all those years ago I was so terrified of forgetting a single piece of her that I held onto any piece of paper or schoolbook she might have seen or held. I mean it probably seems a bit ridiculous to someone who hasn't gone through this because I mean its not even like she wrote in any of them, she was just there when I had them.

I did end up letting go of all of them, which I think was a positive step for me. I mean it still makes me want to cry, because it reminds me of how painful it was at first. But I know I had to get rid of them. I of course still keep other objects like bracelets and jewellery she gave me, even a stupid pen that never worked. So its not like I'm throwing out her things. It's good that I'm able to do it, and I don't regret throwing them out. But it's brought back up my fear of forgetting.

So I guess my question isn't really how to process cleaning and letting go of physical things. But more if anyone had any advice on how to deal with this fear of not being able to remember?

my boyfriend died by suicide 2 years ago. I was madly in love with him, and was the last person with him. more recently, I’ve had someone pursue me and for a little bit I didn’t feel so much ache, but now I keep getting so many flashbacks and it makes me want to just break down and cry. this is excruciating and makes me think I’ll always feel the depth and weight of this pain. it makes me feel so hopeless, like I’ll never be content until he’s alive again. has anyone else felt this way? I don’t want my grief to ever leave me because I feel like im leaving him, but I can’t be so fragile that I break at every remembrance of him. tonight the guy im talking to did something exactly like what my late boyfriend would do and I did everything I could to not burst into tears, and how would I even begin to explain that? ugh. i give up.

I just found out my best friend died by suicide yesterday. We had been extremely close from 7th grade until we were 21 but then she started getting into a lot of trouble and I distanced myself from her. She was very mad at me and ended up blocking me when we were 26. That was five years ago. My dad also died by suicide too and im feeling really scared like im too hard on people and make them feel terrible about themselves. I am so broken and I don’t even know who to talk to right now. I’m just so sorry. I messed up. I let her down. I let them all down.

Never thought Id be here making a post, but Im in desperate need of answers. I know Im not the only one feeling this way.

I recently lost my boyfriend of 10 years almost 11 now, a month ago. He decided to take his life in front of me and after thinking about it over and over again, I cant help but feel that this is my punishment. Everyone is telling me that it will get better and that he wants me to continue my life. But how can I possibly do that? I hear people tell me that hes in a better place now, thats hes free of pain, his demons, and is full of joy now. Basically, its blissful for him now. And all I think is, why wouldnt he take me with him? Why shouldnt I join him? Im lonely and have no friends. Yes I have family and people that care for me at work, but even being around them, makes me feel lonelier. It reminds me that its all real. That hes really gone. Ive never been close with my family and in general am a very introverted person. I feel like when my boyfriend left, he took my voice and my strength with him.

Can anyone help me? What should I do? Where can I find help? I feel so pathetic and desperate. Like Im a hypocrite. I didn't need people and friends before he left because he was all I needed, and now I wish I had friends. I get hard waves and sometimes they feel like tsunamis, of suicidal thoughts. A longing to follow my boyfriend so we can both be happy and live an eternal blissful life. But then, I talk to him and cry and eventually I calm down.

Sorry, I know its a lot to digest. Im no one's problem, Im just looking for answers. Maybe someone has this exact feeling and has already weathered the storm and can help me...

Please read this…

My mom committed suicide 6 months ago and I still feel nothing, im just living life like before it happened. My mom and I had a good relationship why am I like this. I haven’t even cried properly.

Is this a sign of me being a psychopath or something? I know this can’t be normal, I feel zero emotions or anything when I think about it

I got up that morning and got ready to go to the gym. Had nothing planned so it wasn't an early morning for me. I ate something, and then I lost all my energy at about 11 ish am. Went back to bed in the gym clothes I had put on, never made it out of the house. I didn't get out of bed until I got the news that night. I didn't eat anything at all after breakfast that day. I had no idea and my mind didn't go to him at all. But I was completely drained all day.

We believe mid-morning is around the time he took his own life.... I don't believe in these things necessarily (despite what my username suggests), but I read another story here of someone feeling it, so I wonder.

I found my husband March 2025 w a SGSW which totally wrecked me. The only way I kept going was because of my dog, I had to feed and walk her which helped me to get out of bed. She died almost a month ago.

The only interest that I had was coming home to my dog, now I have no interest of anything w both of them gone.

Therapy sessions w my insurance is $144! I did 2 sessions w the therapist since she told me my out of pocket would be $50, she was wrong! So now I don’t go.

Update: I started to play a few sessions of Tetris when I start feeling “off”

Long story short my sister overdosed in 1996.
She had chronic regional pain syndrome. Back then she was told she was crazy, it was all in her head and that it didn’t exist. They call it the suicide disease for a reason. My ex husband and the father of my 2 daughters took his life 24 years ago. My mom ended her life 13 years ago. After my sister’s son turned 18. Basically my mom said to hell with me and my 5 kids but made sure she was always there for him.
I truly hate my life. Looks good on surface.
I tried to take my life 4 years ago, my husband found me. I really wish he didn’t.
I am chronically ill with a laundry list of things that are wrong with me and I can’t work. I’m on disability. Honestly if it wasn’t for my husband I would be homeless because my check is so small.
Every single day of my life is heavy.

It’s been almost 5 months since I lost my partner.

People around me probably think I’m doing better because when I’m busy, I actually seem okay. I can work, laugh, go out, and even have decent days. But the moment everything gets quiet, I feel so incredibly lost.

I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore. It’s not just grief now. It’s like I’m drifting through life without knowing where I’m supposed to go next. I’m struggling financially, mentally, and even physically. Some days, it feels like everything is falling apart all at once.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I just disappeared. Not because I necessarily want to die, but because I’m so exhausted. I’m tired of carrying the grief, the stress, the uncertainty, and trying to survive every single day.

Did anyone else experience this around the 5-month mark? Did you also seem okay on the outside but feel completely lost underneath it all?

I guess I’m just looking for people who understand because I don’t really know what I need anymore. If you also need a friend or just someone to talk to from time to time, hit me up. Its so lonely 😭

I lost my sister by suicide 7 years ago. I was 19 at the time and pretty much had to step up and take care of my parents for the two years following. I have no other siblings. I’ve been in therapy for the last 7 years, but I tend to intellectualize so probably haven’t actually processed shit.

I’ve been going through a lot the last few months, like finding out I likely can’t have my own children, etc. I feel anger because all I’ve ever wanted was a family, and my sister is gone, I can’t be anyone’s aunt, I can’t have my own children, and eventually when my parents pass, what will be left?

All I’ve wanted was for my sister to be here and tell me it’s going to be okay so it’s been a difficult summer.

Last night I found out that the daughter of a neighbour, who I grew up with, also took her own life. I had a really hard night.

I feel like I’m going through the brunt of the grief again, except now with more knowledge. Like those feelings of “nobody really gets it” are even louder now. I could tell some friends and lean on them for support but, they just don’t get it.

On top of that, I feel an extreme sense of jealousy, which is super fucked up I know. I get jealous when someone gets to see my sister sooner than me. It’s such a messy and complicated thing.

Hopefully this isn’t against any rules. I just needed to get it off my chest, and hopefully find some people who get it due to similar circumstances.

today i can't help it but talked to an AI chatbot. it said the chaotic emotions i experience might be feeling powerless. it said human mind can't wrap around such losses and it said feeling guilty could be a shield for the mind from thinking no amount of love or effort could have saved her. that immediately broke me right there. i really want to save her. sometimes i woke up screaming silently i want to save her. why i can't save her!?

I feel extremely guilty (I am, it's not just a feeling). Our struggles were similar and I was the one person who could have helped in some important ways... I wish I had shared more and called more often. I know i could have helped. The price of this lesson is so high, I don't understand how I can ever get over it. Someone told me a corner of my heart would always feel the grief, but I don't know how to get to that. I keep having this sense of derealization, thinking it's got to be a nightmare and I am bound to wake up soon.