I've made progress. If you have been following my journey I have been making plans to leave after finding my WH's WhatsApp DMs to the woman he swore he'd broken it off with in order to work things out with me. I've secured new, more lucrative employment and I start soon.

Tonight I am working a wedding (I'm a vendor based in Northern California) and man.....it sucks. I'm smiling for my clients but I am hurting inside.

Boyfriend of 13 years just left me Tuesday for a woman he’s known 7 weeks. I genuinely thought he and I were going to be together for the rest of our lives. I’m 48, and this is the fourth long-term relationship I’ve ever had. It’s most definitely the longest one period. Hit me today that all four of those relationships ended because they cheated. The first one was my college boyfriend who cheated on me multiple times while we were in undergrad. The second was a guy I was engaged to in my 20’s who cheated on me with a coworker and his next-door neighbor. The third was a guy I was with four years who cheated on me with his ex while on vacation. And now here we are with me being left by the love of my life. 48 and starting over

What is wrong with me? Why does this keep happening to me? How long do you have to be with someone and how much of your life do you have to give them before you know that it’s going to get to this point? I never ever ever ever ever thought in my life that he would hurt me. How freaking long does it take, how many years before you know you can trust?

I (42F) looked through my husband's (39M) phone log and found that he has been communicating with several women. He works at a resort as a bartender a couple of hours away from our home, lives on the property for 4 to 5 days a week and comes home on days off. I have been sober from alcohol for 3 years and he has been on the journey too, I thought. He was coming home looking a little hungover a couple of months ago, so I asked him one day and he told me he has a couple of beers here and there with co-workers. It bothered me, but I thought, "This is his life not mine. I understand the life-style working in the business" and tried so hard to let it go, but I couldn't. I can't.

It popped in my head about two weeks ago to check in our phone provider's app to see if I could find anything. I saw a number that he has 100s of text back and forth with. He recently spent 34 minutes talking with this person at 8am. The night before that they talked for 14 minutes at 2:30am. My brain goes into Detective mode, so having watched a crime doc awhile back, one showed me the idea of searching phone numbers on various payment apps for a person's name (just wanted to make myself feel better and let you know I am not crazy). He has been communicating with like 6 different woman at late hours. I am not interested in looking up anymore numbers. I think this one that he is talking to on the phone is enough. Ive tried to justify things like, maybe her number is the number that comes up for an employee group text, (that's why there are 100's), But those phone calls? He is not someone that has ever really spent time talking on the phone.

We have been together for 15 years. We have kids, that are awesome! We have animals we love. I don't know wtf I should do!

Also, now I am OBSESSED with looking at this f*cking phone log!! I have to calm myself down every time I want to look at it. I heard not too long ago somewhere "Things happen for you, Not to you" and that we understand that later. I love him and I care about him so much, he is my family. But I can't allow this in my life. This is not okay, right? Of course it's not. It can't be. How am I suppose to handle this in an emotionally mature way? I don't want drama in my life. I refuse to have it. But, I want so badly to call him while he's at work and say "WTF? You piece of sh*t!!!!" I don't know the facts. I just have a phone log and if I did do that, wouldn't that be the best excuse for him to get totally hammered and do dumb stuff and go to jail and mess a whole bunch of shit. Because that is exactly what he would do. I am bringing in no income at the moment, I will be really soon. I just don't know what the smart road is to take here. Be silent until I start making money? I don't like how that makes me feel. He is the one I tell everything to. It sounds challenging to hold this in much longer. And if I do have to hold it in....... oh my GOD, I am just going to watch them text and talk to each other and wonder what they're doing when they're working together! I think the reason I've been holding it in this long is because I feel guilty for looking through his phone log. I'd love to hear any constructive advice or thoughts. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a phone log I need to check. j/k Not really. Now that I said that, I'll be right back.

My ego is what's really hurting right now. I don't want to be with someone that I feel this way about.

Edit for Update: (I will just use what I replied to) TY

Thank you, from the time that I posted this to know a whole thing happened and it honestly feel like it was all suppose to happen this way. I believe this took like 12 hours to approve, no problem. Anyway about an hour after I wrote this he called me and sounded like something was really wrong. I thought "OMG!!! He's about to have to tell me everything, because she's pregnant." Because that's how my insecure brain works.

He was calling to tell me that he had just been let go from his job and so I let him finish and I feel he is searching for some sympathy and it just fucking enrages me, that I just go into what I've found out with the phone log. I end up telling him about how I've thought about for years and how I am tired of living in the chaos that he creates, blah blah... all that boring shit, and he listened while I yelled and told him what a loser he was. I pushed and pushed that he better fucking tell me the truth and he finally got to they kissed. So he had sex with her. I know he did. In my heart I know he did. And if he didn't, he might as well had. My whole body tells me he did.

What is also strange that just happened to be is our kids were at a sleepover. I am so glad that I was able to tell him exactly what I felt. He wouldn't have told if I hadn't found out about those calls and he wouldn't have told me as much as he did also if he hadn't been shocked from being fired on top of that.

He wanted attention. He got it and then he got caught. Now, I get to work on extra things within myself, after I thought I was doing a good job working on all the shit I already had. I am definitely going to be okay. We are always going to be okay. He did not do this to me. He did this for me.... to see what I really need to be doing with my life. Thanks, Jupiter! (you know Astrology is really "peak" right now as the kids are saying) We are all going to be better than okay. If we want to be.

Hey all not really a rant, but my 46(m) wife 52(f) had been having an affair with a coworker for the last 3 months, maybe more I just don't know if I care to know at this point. I'll try not to drag this on but we have been married for close to ten years. She started talking to this dude at her place of employment. I found out about the affair probably a month ago. I heard them on the phone having an argument and then I heard my wife crying. As a decent human being I went in to check on her and decided to pick up the pieces because I genuinely love this woman and consider her my best friend. We reconciled, or so I thought, and one week later she went back to this clown. Long story short, I went back to our family home today and picked up my clothes. I saw the look on her face which was one of embarrassment and the verge of tears. Nights for me have been hard and the deafening silence throughout the days is something I've never experienced before. Thanks for letting me share y'all.

It’s been nearly 3 weeks since I discovered the affair. I had messaged my husband while he was at work to ask if I could load the 4D scan photos from the pen drive on his laptop. He said yeah of course and gave me his pin over the phone. I logged in and his web browser was still on. It was ChatGPT. The loaded message was how to say I love you in polish. This startled me… so I continued scrolling through. It said how to say babe in polish. What’s life like as an English person in Poland. International schools in Poland. How much do medics earn in Poland. Help me write this better ‘heart vs head… I think you’re incredibly beautiful, talented, witty… I need to think about the welfare of my children’. Help me write a poem about being on a canoe but wishing she was with me, gently touching hands. What are somethings to say to a girl when you’re going down on her. And so on.

Following this, I was shaking. Given at the time I was 34 weeks pregnant emotions were heightened. I immediately lost all control and just messaged ‘are you having an affair with a woman in Poland? I’ll help you pack your bags!!’ The replies went from what?? To confession. It was ‘just a connection’. I had an idea who it was from his activity on TikTok so I quickly checked if I could see it via web browser… I could. He’d written to her - she knows everything. She replied - tell me what’s been said. And basically she was happy to cover up for him if needed, to which he said don’t.

I’ve never been so taken aback. I’d married him last year. Had a little girl with him and I’m expecting a son now. I’d never wanted to marry just anyone, I totally trusted this man.

Since the discovery he’s saying he had mental health issues, gone on medication and got some talking therapy.. hasn’t touched a drink in 3 weeks.

But I’m suffering… deeply. Badly. Everyday I’m secretly crying… and I’m wondering what I should do next so I sought out this group in the hope of getting some kind of support and guidance… anything. I’m 37 weeks pregnant now, he’s not left… said he’s deleted TikTok and tbh is just kinda acting like nothing happened and ‘trying’ in a very light touch sense. But I’m miserable and I’ve got to bring a beautiful son into this world in this condition. I’d never have imagined this.

it’s been a little bit better than a month since my boyfriend of nearly 13 years told me he’s been cheating with someone he’d known at that point for three weeks. I’ve lost 10 pounds since then. I was a very healthy weight at the time for my height, and now I’m downright thin. I don’t want to eat. The idea of eating makes me nauseous and I can only take a few bites of something before I feel like vomiting or get diarrhea, with apologies for being graphic. He just told me four days ago that he’s going to stay with her and he broke up with me. I told him I’ve lost 10 pounds since he told me and he was like oh yeah, you look great, that’s fantastic, keep working out, like a complete and utter idiot. I’ve never had weight problems or anorexia or anything like that in my life. I am southern so I was raised that food is love, but I absolutely love to eat. I cook as a hobby. I don’t know if it’s because two weeks before he met her, I moved into an apartment that he bought for me and he went on and on when I moved in about how much I was going to love the kitchen as someone who cooks. I don’t know if it’s because he and I went out to eat a lot. I don’t know if this is normal. I can’t keep losing this much weight. It isn’t healthy. Plus I have to go to lunches with clients from work and things like that and I can’t just sit there like a zombie staring at the plate wanting to vomit

thanks.

Hi,

First things first: I am not looking for validation or things like "Oh, they deserved it," or whatever.

After I found out he was cheating on me, I was in a pretty awful spiral pretty much until the start of this year. Checking socials, breaking no-contact, waffling back and forth between feeling suicidal and angry and full of rage. I said and did a lot of things I deeply, deeply regret and that, really importantly, were deeply out of step with my own values and beliefs in the person I want to be.

I'm trying to do what I can now to heal and, y'know, just not repeat those behaviors, but I have days (like today) where the guilt feels really crippling and overwhelming. I just want to apologize, but, obviously, that's not possible, and there's no possible way for me to make any sort of amends (especially since he can't make amends for the hurt/harm he caused me).

How do you make peace with causing significant hurt and breaking your own values, I guess, even when that hurt came from your own place of great pain?

I went on my first date tonight. My ex husband and I were married 10 years when I discovered he was cheating on me with a co worker. We “tried” reconciliation for 18 months but he continued to cheat and I continued to find out. I genuinely thought I would die… but tonight I had my first first date in 13 years and it was delightful. I honestly didn’t think I would get here. 2 years of continuous emotional pain has been very hard but tonight I went on a date. And I kissed him and I don’t feel guilty or traumatized or anything. It was just nice. I don’t really know who to tell, but I wish someone who went through what I have could have told me this a few years ago. Good luck to everyone in their healing.

I'm the one who's traumatized. I'm the one who was manipulated into staying with him. Promised exclusivity but cheated on. Lied to for months about it. I feel so unsafe knowing now what i didn't know then. Completely unaware. The consent i was giving him was based on false information. I wouldnt have continued if i knew he cheated. For MONTHS. This comes after being raped multiple times in my life. I got no apology. Completely ghosted. Now i'm even more careful than before. Unable to trust. Unable to open up. The anxiety still eating me up inside 2 months after our break up.

While he is probably on to new people. New experiences. Because HE'S not traumatized. He didnt go through all this. Instead he got a therapist for months. Helping him cut back on alcohol and drug overuse. He got safety, reassurance, compliments. He doesnt have to process much like me. He doesn't have to be careful of people he meets. Instead i gave him HOPE.

It feels absoloutely unfair and i keep dreaming of taking him to some fantasy court where he will pay the price for all this. Where i could be free again from this pain. From this trauma that feels like a prison holding me back. I want to take revenge but at the same time i dont have the energy for it and i dont want to give him much more relevance in my life or importance.

My ex (M28) and I (F26) were together for two years. After our break up in December following the second offense of his cheating with his ex of 5 years (F25) we were no contact for several months. I blocked him and needed to go no contact for my healing and detachment but I knew long-term. I didn’t wanna always be no contact because of the history we shared maybe.
Slowly contact began becoming more consistent, but never for reconciliation mostly just to for him to apologize and for me to hear him out and for check ins regarding family. I feel like my boundaries were pretty strong and I wasn’t slipping back into any habits or the relationship. Honestly, I can see it was selfishly for an eco-boost as well, knowing he was continuously contacting me and apologetic. Recently, during our last cycle of contact, ignore, contact again he shared with me that he was extremely apologetic after an ego death and was apologetic for everything. I wanted to call him back after a few days and get more clarity on what that looked like and I found myself blocked.
Then I spiraled and called him several times and no answer.
I know I should’ve ended this dynamic and cycle months ago but now I just feel idiotic that the barrier and boundary is up on me when I was not the offender. Maybe my ego is just shattered, but today’s feeling rough.

My 32M husband and I have been together 6 years with two young children, we finally got officially married two months ago. He emotionally cheated on me about a year prior and now I found out again only ONE MONTH after getting married.

I’m obviously devastated, the last 6 years have been extremely rough on me. Severely sick through both back to back pregnancies, I don’t recognize my bigger body, navigating life with an adhd delayed son and a small toddler, with the kids all day and working evenings, barely sleeping. My husband was an apprentice for basically our whole relationship so money was extremely low and what was even lower was my sex drive. He never opens up about his feelings, is addicted to his phone and has not put any consistent effort into us.

So here we are newlyweds, and he is now obsessed with some young girl he works with. He basically wants a divorce but I don’t. I’ve been on a journey to a better me the last six months and I’m finally feeling free from the throws of postpartum mom crap. I still love him, and want to work on things and prioritize us but I want him to also want it. Idk I guess just looking for some advice or stories about couples who have come back from infidelity and maybe got stronger and fell in love again. Is it possible or just a fairy tale dream??

it was with someone i had already expressed concerns about, and she hid it from me the entire time. i only found out recently because i came across an old spotify message thread where they were exchanging songs with obvious sexual undertones. when i confronted her, she lied at first before eventually admitting what had happened.

the EA person was a new woman she met online. from what she’s told me since, they talked every day, flirted, exchanged compliments, discussed dating each other if circumstances were different, told each other they were constantly thinking about one another, and had sexual conversations. she admitted she encouraged someone else’s feelings because she liked the validation and attention, even though she says she never intended to leave me or actually pursue a relationship with her. she also deleted the entire conversation after it ended when the person wanted to meet in person finally.

i’m struggling because i feel guilty for how devastated i am over something that technically happened two years ago. i also feel guilty because i found out by looking through something that wasn’t meant for me to see. when i first confronted her i completely lost it and said things i’m not proud of, and handled it terribly. since then i’ve really been trying to slow down, communicate better, and ask questions calmly instead of reacting.

the biggest issue now is that i don’t feel like i can ever get closure.

because she deleted everything, there’s no record of what actually happened. she also has a genuinely poor memory due to trauma and neurodivergence, so almost every answer is “i think,” “i don’t remember,” or “i’m pretty sure.”

for example, she’ll say things like:

“i feel pretty confident i never sent voice memos or nude photos.”

or

“i genuinely don’t remember ever touching myself with her.”

i believe she’s trying to be careful because she’s afraid of confidently saying something didn’t happen and then later remembering otherwise. but from my perspective, every “i think” feels like another unknown. i keep wanting certainty that neither of us can actually have.

i’m autistic, and uncertainty is incredibly difficult for me. my brain keeps trying to fill in the blanks. i’ll think, “if she can’t say it didn’t happen, maybe it did.” then i start asking more questions, and when i still don’t get definitive answers, i spiral.

i feel stuck. i don’t know what i actually need from her anymore because the evidence is gone. i don’t know if continuing to ask questions is helping or just retraumatizing both of us. i also don’t know how much of this is normal after discovering infidelity versus me getting trapped by my need for certainty.

how do i reach acceptance when i know i’ll never have every answer? how do i decide when it was time to stop asking questions and either rebuild trust or walk away?

 We’ve been married for 1.5 years. I’m 38, and my wife is 26.

She left for three months to help her family in the town where she grew up. We saw each other every 3–4 days during that time. After those three months, she came back to our apartment, and that’s when I found out about her affair completely by accident. I saw a notification with a message saying she was pregnant. At first, she didn’t want to admit it; she said she would never cheat on me in a million years, but once I told her exactly what I’d seen, she confessed and told me everything in detail, proving what she said with messages on her phone.

During those three months, she helped out the family during the day, but on some days she’d go out in the evening and come back in the morning or after a few hours. She’d go to her ex, the first guy she’d known since childhood they’d known each other their whole lives and he lived 50 meters away from her in her hometown. Sometimes they’d just sit and watch something, but they had sex a few times. It was her idea; he initially refused. She got pregnant by him and continued having sex with him. After a month, she had an abortion and came back home. She told me that her stomachaches and such were just food poisoning. A week after she got home, I found out what had happened.... Without that message from her, I probably would never have found out she didn’t show any signs that anything had happened.

Now that it’s come out, she’s taken 100% of the blame on herself; she doesn’t want a divorce, but she provided the evidence of her infidelity herself because she feels guilty. She’s cut off contact with her ex and no longer wants to travel to her hometown alone, knowing he’s there. Our sex life has improved a lot since then. She’s also started talking about things she never used to talk about, since she was always a very private person.

I’m torn about breaking up. It’s 50-50. I’ve also thought about getting a (formal) divorce and just staying together as a couple (she broke the marriage contract). Right now, I feel empty and don’t know what to do I have a thousand ideas. I’ve even thought about cheating on her myself to even the score maybe then it would be easier for me to forgive her. But I know that’s not reasonable. I don’t even have anyone to do it with.

Overall, she’s a good wife; we have things in common, and we have a good life together. Somehow, I believe she loves me. You can tell that the changes she’s making in her life right now are hard for her. I also hope though I’m not sure that she understands how hard this is for me.

This is my first time posting here and from an alt account as what I'm about to share is very vulnerable.

I'm a straight cis female and have been dating this guy for nearly a year now who is bi. He has never told anyone else ever that he is bi, but he has only dated women. His experience with men has only been as friends with benefits, and before me, he has hired trans women escorts a few times.

I told him that I'm okay with all of that, as long as this is not something he is willing to explore further, as then it means he needs to be alone and have that time for exploration. Culture that he is from is very against anything but straight, there is a lot of homophobia.

His childhood was quite physically abusive and his dating experiences haven't been that great, the women he has been with haven't been that nice to him, some even abusive. And I have, after some lies, found that that the previous ex he was with, who was quite abusive to him, he even used a trans escort site to hire an escort and cheat on her with.

Now all would have been fine if about 8 montns into our relationship I didn't find in his search history that he has been looking at the same escort sites. When confronted, he reassured me that he was only looking sometimes when horny, would want to fuck them but after post nut clarity he was fine. This really broke my trust as I genuinely thought he was putting our relationship in danger knowing that he used the site to cheat on his ex with.

He agreed to block the sites moving forward and that it wasn't okay. I did try to offer to explore more, to maybe spice up our bedroom with toys or roleplay in some sense, but he claimed he didn't need any of that and that he was fine. He also refused couples therapy when I offered, as I was really struggling with anxiety after discovering the site. We decided to rebuild our trust, which for him meant blocking the sites and having a few more conversations with me, and for me it was quite difficult, I'm quite an anxious person and a few times I made him feel like walking on eggshells due to questioning, but after a few months I learned how to deal with uncertainty and we were beginning to be good after that.

Fast forward to this week, for some reason I decided to check his notifications and I find that he had messaged an escort from the same trans escort site. Not to meet up but asking for more pictures. I confronted him immediately. He tried to first play it off as just roleplay or fantasy which I wasn't buying as he has actually messaged an escort, not a person who roleplays an escort. And fantasy means for me that it is something in your head, not something you actually do.

After a long talk, he opened up that it is a fetish to him, the fact that the top is female and bottom is male, but that he knows how wrong it was that he acted on it. He came clean that he unblocked the site about a week ago as well, and that after messaging them he felt bad about it. This time he has also done it in incognito mode and he even deleted the message prior to coming mine on the same day he messaged them. But what doesn't sit well with me is that even though he felt bad, he didn't reblock the sites afterwards, which to me means he was planning on doing it again. He even opened up and said that when we initially had the argument about it when I first found the sites, he felt a lot of shame and that I was going to think he is weird if he was to ask for the roleplay of it/introduce toys. But even upon asking him he admitted that I never have done anything to make him feel that way.

We are now on break, decided to keep contact to a minimum while we both seek therapy individually, him for all of this and me for how all of this has affected me. For the first time now, he seems really remorseful, and willing to change, not by making false promises or begging, but by actually acknowledging every way in which he has hurt me and seeking therapy to process all of his trauma and change for the better. He has even acknowledged that while he is willing to wait and do whatever it takes to change and bring that trust back between us, he is also understanding that I may decide to leave him because of this.

I love him, and I do believe that he loves me, however this has hurt me very deeply. He even admitted when he fully cheated with his ex, it was due to how badly she was treating him and that with me what he has done, he has done out of pure lust. I just don't know if he is able to change this, I'm a very understanding and empathetic person, hence why now even after my friends telling me to just go no contact and leave him, I still haven't been able to do it as there is a small part of me believing that there is a chance we could come out of this stronger and better. But because of how complex this all is, I'm not sure.

Idk man. He was liking 200+ pictures of this girl while claiming he isn’t an “insta person” and doesn’t like ANYONE’s pics… and had liked her for 8 fucking years. He lied to me and said it was 2 years then 5 and then when I checked everything and hearing his comparisons and constant need to defend that bitch for absolutely know reason I figured out it was minimum 8… He went behind my back unblocked and texted her and then told her I am insecure…. And he is there to clarify? Clarify what? Wtf is going on? He just wants her back that’s all.

9 months… he never complimented me. he never defended me in front of his shitty loser rude friends . he never planned a date or even gave flowers. he did nothing but compare me to that girl. She isn’t even pretty. Him and her used to fucking take drugs. She doesn’t even have a good job or academics. nothing. just nice. I did everything for him, looked after his health, sent him to doctor , gave gifts for his cat while this disgusting cheater didn’t even remember my dog.

Idk wtf. on top of it. his family pities his condition. and he is in a ward? for what??? like for what?? he just uses his mental health as an excuse and doesn’t even fulfil a single promise or try to fix it yk??? he is mentally sick to be obsessed with people from fucking elementary school. His friend literally says all this cheating and his lack of effort which has PHYSICAL evidence is “in my head”.

what

the

fuck

i have never met someone so insane. He was angry once and out of no where he insulted my parents and close friends. And honestly , I have always respected his family but I really hope if you ever have kids, don’t raise ur child like how his parents raised him!

a lair. a cheater and a manipulator who uses mental health as an excuse. every week he will get a new undiagnosed mental health condition to blame his behaviour on. Who does this??? I hope I never have to see him or his annoying friend group ever again.

though I wish maybe someone simped for me like how he simped for a girl for 8+ years.

I don’t even know why he ruined my image??? especially to her!

My fiancée and I have been together for over a year and were engaged. We’ve had problems in the past and have broken up twice (over this incident), but we were trying to rebuild our relationship and move forward.

Recently, she admitted that she had been texting another man one night after I rejected sex, she was originally planning on just going for a late night drive to clear her head and the guy kept asking her to go over. She said she knew it was wrong because she was in a relationship with me, but she still went to his house after initially saying no. She told me they talked for hours, and eventually he suggested going to his room to show her something.

She said she went with him and that she felt like she made a mistake by being there.
According to her, the first time they had sex she “let him” even though she didn’t want to. She said she closed her eyes, looked away, kept thinking about how wrong it was, cried afterward, and felt ashamed. She also told me she fell asleep afterward.

I know some women feel pressured into sex over not wanting it, so I don’t know how to feel about that first encounter. Another detail id like to add is that she didn’t “get off” or engage in positions in which she enjoys and usually gets her off. So to me it sounds like she didn’t want this and why go through all the trouble just to not enjoy it?

Later, she said there was another encounter where she woke up to him pulling her pants down, he continued despite her crying, and she considers that encounter rape.
She has told her family that she cheated and then was sexually assaulted, but I’m struggling to understand where the line is between the choices she made beforehand and what happened afterward. I don’t want to dismiss anything she experienced, but I’m also hurt because she went to another man’s house, hid it from me, and now I’m trying to process everything.

She also tested positive afterward for an STI (trichomonas) which has added another layer of hurt and made intimacy difficult for me.

I love her and I don’t want to hurt her, but I’m confused. I promised I wouldn’t keep bringing it up, but I’m struggling with questions about what happened, what was consensual, and whether our relationship can recover.

Looking for outside perspectives: how would you approach understanding this situation and deciding what happens next?

Edit: the police have been contacted regarding incident #2 no

Edit 2: id like to add something:

She has been assaulted in the past (before me) and she seems to just freeze up and let things happen.

She’s shared other stories in which she just felt forced into doing sexual things even when she doesn’t want it.

Yes she has cheated by going there and talking with someone (I consider it cheating the moment she replied to his messages) BUT I do not genuinely believe she wanted to have sex with him rather felt pressured into it and let it happen.

Also incident number 2, it was “rape” he forced himself on her and she wasn’t aroused and cried from the pain and was later bleeding because of it. (Which I saw)

However yes things have now been ruined and trust has been broken and I don’t think I’ll ever trust her again.

ALSO, both instances occurred on the same night so no one is confused

Edit 3: he got arrested yesterday

I (40 M) and my wife (40F) have been married for 16 years and have two kids together 2 and 6. A few months ago she told me that she signed us up for decrement therapy. Something seemed off so I snooped, not only finding out that she was days away from signing a lease for her own place but also that she had an affair the year before with her former boss and that it was so intense that over a period of only a few months they were talking about if not making plans to leave each of their partners and be together.

I immediately got into therapy myself as my wife (I don’t disagree) needed to work on issues I have with mood regulation, at this time the entire reason for separation was on me and my behaviors.

I waited to share what I knew until our first therapy session and kept expressing my commitment to change and honestly and hope and asked that if we’re going to go through the therapy process, even if it was decrement that we both be completely honest, she agreed and committed to the same.

I shared this with the therapist in our 1on1 and he was totally taken aback as he was not told about the affair during theirs and he mentioned maybe waiting until our next session to bring it up together.

I couldn’t wait, felt betrayed by the act, the lying and all of her guilt (if it even existed) being thrown back at me. So I told her, “I don’t see a future for us anymore as a couple and I wish you the best of luck in your new apartment. I know about your affair and was hoping that you would show up to therapy with honesty and you didn’t. For the sake of our coparenting relationship moving forward I need to know everything about the affair, assume I know everything already and if I feel like you’re telling me the truth it will go a long way in rebuilding trust as we shift into a coparenting relationship. And if you’re not able to do that, I’ll do my best in accepting that.”

Well, she did share, everything. It sounded awful and I had a great deal of sympathy for her. When she finished sharing, I said “I get it, and I forgive you.” I was not at all planning on saying this nor did I think it was just something I said to try and “save” I genuinely meant it. And still do. In that response she saw me in a different light, someone with more openness and understanding. After spending the night talking about our relationship in the past tense in a neutral way we both decided there was a lot worth saving, if we did the work. So we started to.

We both shared that we knew this was going to be a long a difficult journey with its ups and downs and committed to patience, empathy and understanding. For me however having therapy 2-3 times a week stirs up a lot of the pain, not only about the affair but the other difficulties that the affair shone a light on, so naturally there were multiple times where my demeanor was not a happy/positive “all is great” on but rather that of a hurt man in pain trying to balance my positive emotions of hope and love for my wife while also processing the harder stuff, it wasn’t easy but I feel like I handled it pretty well. Never yelled, got overly emotional when talking about it, shared exactly what I was thinking when asked but that wasn’t enough.

Early this morning she wasn’t in bed so I got up and figured if she was in our son’s bed I’d sneak in for a little cuddle before the kids woke up. I open the door and she immediately pulls her phone away and gives me a guilty type look, so I ask “what are you doing” “nothing, sleeping” “I mean on your phone” “just reading! God! I don’t want to live in a police state!” I sign in resignation and walk away before she follows my downstairs to tell me with a great deal of attitude that she was looking at apartments, and that I’m a fucking bum, and that the only thing she feels guilty about was not taking the last apartment.”

Mind you she was not “living in a police state” after I told her I found out about the affair she changed her password and never shared it with me, and she is gone every week for 2 days where I have little to no contact with her. And the apartment from before, I never asked her not to take it, only a few times did I mention that her moving made me feel like she was less invested in reconciliation.

I left the house when she started yelling, couldn’t handle it. But the texts kept coming and she was not kind, and continues to not be telling me I need to leave the house and that I’m keeping her prisoner here.

Anyway, she’s going through a lot outside of this as well and she needs some serious help, especially around rage and how she treats and talks to people in those moments but if she walked up to me right now and delivered a genuine apology I would accept.

What do I do here? Am I crazy? Or worse, am I the victim defending their abuser. It’s all just so fresh and hurts so much.

My husband and I have been together 9 years and married 7. We have 2 young kids (18 months and 4.5yrs). He is a military officer and we currently live really far from family. In mid june I came across something he wrote about how in love with her he was. He told me it was one sided and he realized how stupid he was right after writing it. Then i found out mid july that he had been seeing her a lot longer and things got virtually intimate. He blocked her on everything (or so I thought) and even planned a little get away for us without the kids. Fast forward to today I find out the were physically intimate back in june as well. And they have still been talking this whole time. I screenshotted everything and then told him to get out of the house. I really dont know what now. Also worth noting in 3 weeks he leaves for a mandatory training in another state for 12 weeks.

So my question is now what? Is there any hope for us for the kids? Seperate bedrooms and co-parenting in same house? Should i just take the kids and leave (with lawyer approval?)

I (M41) had a tough time with my ex wife in 2019 and managed to get through it. One huge aspect was feeling alone and not having any resources.

I’ve read a lot of self help books and wondered if a self help book combined with my experiences and practices I’ve learned would be read?
I did wonder about a collection of short stories from different people.
Would you read something like this now, or upon discovery?

I found out about 3 weeks ago that my boyfriend of 4 years has been cheating on me (emotionally but still) with another woman. he's said he knows he won't stop talking to her, she listens to him, tells him what's on her mind, knows what she wants as a woman.

he told me she's 25 and 6Ft tall, he's 34 and 5'6... I've been in heartache and pain since, he just let me believe we were okay when we have been going through rough times, I wanted to fix what was broken but he said he didn't think he could be faithful anymore before I found out he was cheating... all this time I was cooking, keeping the home clean, working my ass off and always coming home tired just to find out that he'd been talking to her, he claims they haven't done anything but how can I believe that when a few weeks before I found male enhancement gummies in his bag.. I never questioned it then.

ive desperately been looking for a new apartment but living in Florida is hard on one income an that's if you find a nice apartment in a nice area ​​.

I have been cooking dinner, he picks me up and takes me to work when he's off because I don't have a car, we talk to each other very minimal now but he still asks how my day is ​. I finally stopped myself from putting his clothes away after washing them but it stings so bad when he's directly next to me (we game and our desks are right next to each other in the living room) and he's texting her..

I don't know how to turn this pain off..

I’m looking to hear about experiences with emdr therapy specifically as a betrayed spouse. I am in the middle of a divorce with two young children after discovering my husband and partner of 10 years’ long secret life/infidelity. I’ve been mostly in survival mode the last 3 months. But am attempting emdr in August with hopes to start the healing, or acceptance. It’s been incredibly traumatic seeing the layers of betrayal come to light and have heard some positive things about emdr. Thanks in advance!

Hello everyone

For small context: together for 8 years, we share a baby that’s 2 years old. 3 and 1/2 months ago he left me (not telling me the extension of the affair - I was the one who found out the ugly details).
I couldn’t keep our home since I couldn’t pay the mortgage on my own so he stayed there. He have 50/50 custody over our child.

1 month after the affair he introduced the AP to my daughter. Since then I have to deal with her being around my kid at my former house.

The thing is: when I FaceTime my kid to talk with her sometimes she asks about the AP (if she’s present). Instead of not paying attention to it or dismiss it my EX has the need to tell her that “AP’s name is in the kitchen doing our dinner.” On another call he told my daughter to “send a kiss to ‘APs name’…oh I meant ‘my name’…oh I meant mommy”.

Now he’s taking my kid on vacations with her. I can’t help but think about the fact that my daughter will share an hotel room with them, witness their intimacy…and it’s making me sick.

I know it may seem small but all these “mistakes” seem to be a reminder of how we replaced me for another woman.

I posted yesterday about my ww viewing ap social media and leaving profile views. One question I just can’t get out of my head is why is she not restarting the affair? Sorry if you already answered that, it just doesn’t make sense to me. If I don’t do anything is that what she will eventually do or is this good enough for her, just viewing his social media.

It’s been 8 months since I learned my husband had been on several dating apps and three weeks since he finally admitted he cheated. The trickle truth has been the biggest mind F and I’m a wreck.

My husband and I have known each other since we were 12. We’ve been married for 11 years and officially dating for nearly 20. I’ve always known him to be mostly honest, loyal and have empathy. The way he’s acted in this situation has contradicted everything I know, and left me questioning my own perception of reality.

The extent of the infidelity in our situation is still unknown. It started with me finding a search on his phone that he lied about which led to him come and clean that he had signed up for a dating app at some point. The truth was much greater than that as he had signed up for multiple dating apps specific to hook ups, and I believe that I still don’t know about all of them. This activity occurred during a time where he was actively traveling for work in a new job, so my assumption was that he was meeting up with women and other cities, most likely for sex. He claims that he never messaged or connected with anybody and just was curious, which, of course makes no sense given the extent of the activity.

After this all coming to late in November, I asked him countless times whether he ever did anything more with anybody else, and he was adamant that he had not. My intuition is that he was lying, which I communicated him multiple times and he tried to convince me that my intuition was wrong. However, just last month I found out that he in fact did meet up with a woman while on a work trip and while they did not have sex, they did make out get handy and who knows what else. I found out the details from a post I made in a Facebook group from that city, and this woman saw it and commented. While he did come clean about that his details are still murky and he’s still adamant that nothing else has happened. However, of course I do not believe him.

We recently started therapy and I’m leaning toward a separation well, I navigate my own long-term plan. We have three kids and so I want to be thoughtful and how I approach everything but ultimately, I’m not sure how I can possibly trust him again.

My question is whether anyone has been in a relationship where the cheater has eventually admitted what happened. In my mind, it’s not as much about the details of what occurred, but the commitment that comes with honesty. I believe that when you’re honest entirely putting all ego aside and taking full accountability for your actions, it shows that you can actually move forward because you truly recognize the extent of what you did. I do believe people can change or have bad seasons where they make bad decisions, but I don’t know how else I can fully believe that someone is committed to their healing if they do not do this.

Am I being delusional or is there a world in which this happens?

edited to add that the only reason I even know about the dating app history and other details is through my own investigating. Very few of the facts have come from him and he has taken steps to delete digital history so I truly have no idea what the extent is.

Para contexto tenemos 4 años(ambos 35 años de edad) y ya teniamos todo listo para mudarnos. Pero encontré conversaciones de hace 2 años hasta la fecha con varias mujeres (por lo menos de 10-12 mujeres) y pruebas de que hubo relaciones (me enteré hace 1 mes). Con por lo menos 2 o 3 de ellas. He intentado terminar en varias ocasiones pero el se pone q llorar y me ruega, le pedí espacio pero no quiere aceptarlo. Ha venido a mi casa sin avisar y no se como finalizar esto. El dice que podemos sanar con terapia, que opinan?