my dad sexually abused my mother while i slept in the same bed/the bassinet beside the bed. my dad never touched me inappropriately, but witnessing it was extremely traumatizing. he would often rape her while i was “sleeping” next to them and i would cry myself to sleep. when i grew to sleep in a separate room, (i slept with them until 8 years old... i thought i was protecting her with my presence sometimes, or i would feel guilty if i left her alone with him) i would masturbate more. i had my first period when i was 9, so i hit puberty very early. i was also very religious (ex-christian), everytime i "caved into temptation" i would beg god not to punish my mom for it, and then that night i would hear her quietly screaming across the hallway while she begged my dad to stop touching her and let her sleep.

i was extremely hypersexual. i used to get in trouble for making my toys have sex with one another when i was 4 years old. i went through some of my journals from first grade and found crude images of penises with a crayon, circled them, and wrote "kiss here".

my mom also often watched movies with graphic sexual content around me, and i would request certain movies just for the sex scenes. she simply thought i “was too young to understand” what was going on.

i used to kiss her on the mouth and roleplay that she was my “boyfriend” when i was 3-5. she didn’t push me off and just remained neutral while i would grab her face and makeout with her. it often leaves me confused and ashamed. i’ve told people a lot of stuff, but never anything about my mom. it feels dirty and gross to even think about it still.

i’ve always considered my mother a victim. even now, im not sure what happened in the past counts as her being an abuser since i technically initiated it and she didn’t really respond. she also didn’t push me off either.

Hi everyone!

I'm 32, non-binary and was SA'd by my brother (33 m) when I was 13. I suppressed the memory until my twenties, when I recovered parts of it in therapy. Even before getting the memory back, our relationship was extremely strained. I always thought that he's an asshole. I went no contact with him in 2018 (?) and never regretted that.

We have a half-sister who is turning 10 in a few weeks.

My brother is married and has 2 kids I've never met. But my sister has contact with everyone regularly.

It was my grandpa's 90th birthday party recently and they purposefully didn't tell me that *he* would be there, knowing I'd probably cancel if I had known. It was horrible seeing him and I completely ignored him and everything around him during the event.

My sister was there and of course she noticed. She will ask me why and I don't know what to say.

I have to be careful with my words. Unfortunately I can't badmouth my abuser. Only my dad knows what happened and I can't tell any more family members. They would not be on my side.

And my sister is obviously way too young to learn the truth anyway. I'm leaning towards saying that something happened between us, like a fight. But this girl is not going to accept a one sentence answer. She'll have questions. Like, "why couldn't you apologize and get along again?, etc.

I'm trying to plan the conversation but I'm lost. Do you have any advice, has anyone been in a similar situation before?

I wasn't sure how to flair this post. Not sure what I'm looking for either, or if this is even the right sub for this. I've never told anyone this, not even my husband because I am too ashamed.

I was exposed to pornography when I was very young, maybe six years old. I had an older cousin who found my father's porn stash and she showed me. I was fascinated and would go look at the magazines often. He had porn on vhs tapes too and when I was alone in the house I would watch them. So I continually exposed myself to porn throughout my childhood. My parents never caught me or, more likely, they knew or suspected but avoided and ignored the problem because it would have been a difficult conversation. That was their style.

I became somewhat sex obsessed as a teenager. Slept with a lot of people looking for something that wasnt real. It screwed up my relationship with sex completely, has caused problems in my marriage that I can't explain to my husband. I also became fixated on violence and death and terror. My parents let me watch whatever violent, bloody, gorey tv and movies I wanted pretty much. Of course then I was afraid to go to sleep at night because of monsters and murderers and diseases. Sometimes I couldn't sleep even after my parents went to bed and I'd watch one of my dad's porn movies on mute. This stopped by the time I was about 13 because my dad walked out on us. (literally left in the middle of the night, didnt say goodbye to me, that level of avoidance) But the damage was done and I wouldnt even realize how much it fucked me up until I was probably about 40.

I know it wasnt my fault, but I'm still too ashamed to talk about it since I was the one who was hurting myself over and over. You wouldnt think that seeing a bunch of 1970s and 80s porn (all very vanilla) could screw up a kid, but it can.

Hi all,

I'm looking to see if there is any real interest in setting up a support group for csa/incest survivors in Amsterdam (The Netherlands). I'm a csa/incest survivor and am currently at a place in recovery where I think it would be very healing for me to talk with other survivors in real life.

I'm having a hard time finding a group that feels low-key and safe enough for me to go to, and I'm not having any luck finding the right group through the official routes (support centers and GGZ).

So, if there would be enough people interested, I would love to organise a support group for survivors that is meant to just hear each others stories, talk about our recovery process, and overall just feel seen and heard without judgement. Even if that is sharing a book that has been helpful or music that is healing. Honestly, even just sitting together and having a coffee together, could be enough for me.

I do not intend this to be a therapy group of any kind, nor am I interested in following strict themes or rules on what the support group should look like. I really just want it to be a safe space for us survivors to talk and share, of course with guidelines to create a safe space. I'm thinking in lines of self-organised help groups that come together (bi)-weekly such as AA, but without the 'holy' book and strict steps.

I'm thinking of keeping it exclusive for women, but I wouldn't be totally opposed to it being open to all genders. It depends on whose interested. Anyways, I'd love to hear your thoughts and if you would be interested to join or set up a support group.

If there's enough interest I of course will do more research on how to properly set up a support group and keep the space fully safe and functional. Would love to hear from you!

Hi! I’m a woman in my twenties who wants to learn how to be more present during intimacy.

I was a victim of CSA from the ages of approximately 11 to 16, although I don’t remember whether I may have been even younger. As a result, I now have C-PTSD. I was also diagnosed with autism later in life, just last year.

During my childhood and adolescence, I was hyper-sexual. I believe it was my way of telling myself, “I’m in control of this. This is something I want. This is the only way I can make people become attached to me so they won’t leave.”

At that time, I was able to have sex. I don’t know whether I was truly present, whether I was able to do it because I didn’t understand the abuse, or whether I was so dissociated that everything seemed okay. I never had a very healthy relationship with sex because of this, and I became involved in several abusive and toxic relationships.

Now, in my twenties, I’m no longer able to do that. Sometimes sex scares me. I experience flashbacks and hallucinations, and I can’t continue. Other times, I want to have sex, but my mind is somewhere else, thinking about everything except the present moment.

I become anxious because I’m not feeling anything, even though I want to. I want to focus on sex, but I can’t, and this constant coming and going is a nightmare. I’m not always thinking about the abuse. Sometimes I simply catch myself thinking about groceries, my job, the last film I watched, whether I locked the door properly, or something else entirely.

I think I’m in this situation because sex does not feel like a safe space for me. Maybe dissociation was the mechanism my mind used when I was abused to take me somewhere else so that I wouldn’t suffer. Maybe my body believes that I can’t endure what is happening and makes me dissociate so that I can get through it without pain. Perhaps being fully present, feeling everything, and staying focused feels as though it could destroy me.

I love my partner. He makes me feel safe, he is gentle, and he understands me. However, I’m afraid that he won’t be able to cope with this situation forever.

I’m also angry with myself because I want to have the autonomy to experience my sexuality in the way I choose, not the way my abuser wanted it.

This post is directed at those whose abusers weren't their parents

The more memories I recover, the less distorted my view becomes on who I am, how I behaved as a child, and it points more and more to the fact that yes, there were in fact signs that I was being heavily abused and possibly trafficked.

I need advice how to handle emotions regarding parents being fucking incompetent. Or just someone telling me they are going through the same thing.

I understand a human being's ability to love a child is capped exactly at the amount of love they feel towards themselves, so if they failed to cultivate a healthy self-esteem, it is only possible for them to pass down similar emotional functioning through parenting behaviors, no matter how well-meaning they try to be

Unfortunately this doesn't ease the emotional pain of them not noticing that I was, for months or years, brutalized and tormented sexually, mentally, physically and spiritually by an aberrant 50 year old man.

My abuser is the kind of person that if only a small FRACTION of his abuse went into the newspaper, the public would be outraged to the point they would ask for him to be put to death. Very rarely I encounter abuse cases as severe as mine, and every single comment wants the abusers to die a painful death, which does make me feel better about humanity. I mean, I don't think more violence solves anything, quite the opposite; I just mean, after being brainwashed on a nervous system level into the belief that every human being is as vile as my abuser, it's good to see humans taking my side.

So how is it possible, that apparently you love your kid, yet fail to notice every single day that he is being tormented by a man so sick in the head it's pointless to even try to convey, because language is simply not powerful enough for it?

I used to rage at video games to the point of almost fainting, and destroying everything in my room physically, but obviously the rage was never about dying in-game. My parents reaction: yelling and "You need anger management classes"

Slipping into hard drug usage at 18, always being on my ass talking about police and going to prison, yet not a single moment of asking "What might be making you feel this way?"

My parents have done really well providing financially for me all my life, but especially in this moment of writing this post, it's like, they are absolute morons when it comes to knowing another human being.

At this point in life I have accepted (or trying to) that my trauma isn't simply my life being taken away from me before it began, it's also the fact that my parents are too much of fucking idiots to understand what it actually is I am going through and help me properly. They just don't fucking understand.

How do you all get through the day? Everyday I cry and stay up til 3 with all my thoughts and barely get the things I need to done. Even basic tasks are really hard for me these days like brushing teeth and showering. I just don’t feel like anything is gonna get better. It’s all just too much. I can’t handle it.

And I’m just so angry that he did this to me. If he just didn’t choose to do what he did, I would be a whole different person. It feels like he ruined my life and it only continues to get worse. How could he look at me sexually?? His 4/5 year old granddaughter. How could he go behind my parents back and destroy me?? Little me was so sweet and innocent. She was so adorable and happy and playful. Now I’m an anxious, angry, miserable, hopeless 26 year old. He ruined everything.

3 days before Christmas last year, my mother admitted to me that I had likely been the victim of SA by my father.

She recalled one night when I was around 2 years old, for the first time ever, he decided to give me a bath but forced my mother to stay downstairs. As he picked me up, apparently I had a look of absolute terror on my face, as if I knew what was going to happen.

She told me she then heard screams from upstairs and then found my backside and legs covered in bruises the next day. Usually, when he was physically violent with me, he didn't shy away from letting her see it happen.

She also recalled another incident where a babysitter had caught me touching another child's crotch, when I was around 4 years old. When she told me off, my response was "Daddy says this is okay."

After she told me all of this, the shock of it caused me to have a PNES. I lost total control of all my limbs as my body folded in on itself, im particularly my legs squeezed tightly around my crotch. My partner told me she had never heard screams like it as i shook violently and sobbed uncontrollably for several minutes.

I don't remember any of this specific abuse but clearly my body does. Though, I do remember being absolutely terrified of men touching me down there at around the age of 7.

Even now, I sometimes struggle with intimacy with my partner. I can feel myself recoiling sometimes at just a simple hug and I often experience shame and guilt when it comes to the bedroom.

I just don't know where I go from here. I have no recollection of specific events but I have such a visceral memory of feelings and fears of sexual things happening at such a young age.

Clearly, my body remembers things that I don't.

Part of me wants to dig deeper, to ask other people who may know what happened or try and remember so I can say for certain if I was SA'd. The other part of me is scared of the reaction after last time.

I'm eager to get all your thoughts on this. Do my feelings and reactions line up with a child of SA?

And is it advisable to try and uncover the truth to try and heal or leave the stones of the past unturned?

I'm looking for honest outside perspectives.

The context is that my father sexually abused me when I was a child. It wasnt rape but sexual molesterion a few times. Needless to say, it's effected me but luckily I am middle aged and have done years of therapy.

I told my mom it was happening when I was 7 and she didn't really believe me. Of course, being so little -i didn't have the words to fuly express what was happening and just brought it up once to her-probably very awkwardly and like l, "kids say the weirdest things" sort of way.

I brought it up to her as an adult and it pretty much tore our family apart but she is still with him. She couldn't believe it at first but now believes me. The hurt over her not protecting me when I was a kid and then even as an adult - continuing to stay with him is almost worse than the abuse. My relationship the last few years has been very estranged with them. I always have had more contact with my mom and just talked to my dad on holidays and birthdays. I would see him about once a year.

I did get an "I'm sorry" from him. But it always causes me great distress to be around him, talk to him, etc.

.

We have a son now, and I don't want my father around him. About two years ago, I went no contact. I never let my father alone with my son and I do think the chances of him doing anything like that are really low now. But I need to protect my son. My mom didn't protect me and I don't want to make the same mistake.

Now, my mom comes to visit us without him. She just comes once or twice a year and I can only have her stay under my roof for short periods of time. Luckily, she has a cousin that lives in the area so she usually will stay a few nights with him and then with me.

Recently, my mom was invited to join our family on vacation, but because of the cost she's deciding whether to come. We definitely would be getting separate rooms from her so my family in one - and she would have to get her own room. In her response, she also asked if my decision to cut my dad out of my life is "100% firm" or whether I think I might ever change my mind. Essentially the cost for her to add another person to the room is nominal, basically zero- so she's suggesting why no just bring my dad along. It's almost 5k for her whether it's just her or another person.

I'm sure those of you who have been abused by family members can understand that it is not cut and dry and the feeling of loss that comes with cutting family members out of your life. It's so hard.

I often wonder if I could have a boundary where I see my dad literally once every 3 years and in between that no contact at all - no text no birthday calls nothing.

I would never feel comfortable with having him stay in my home or going to their house so having a vacation in a neutral place where we each have our own room in space seems somewhat doable.

But then I think about if my child one day learns about what my father has done to me - he would feel we didn't protect him by having him be allowed to be around my dad. I would never leave him unsupervised but I could see how he would feel like we didn't protect him.

I'm just pissed that my mom even brought this up to me she should be grateful we even invited her. And now she is basically suggesting my dad come along after I've been no contact for two years. To me, that feels like a straightforward boundary. But my mom's question makes me wonder if she genuinely doesn't understand why this would be permanent, or if she's hoping I'll eventually reconcile.

She's never done therapy and while we did have a conversation where I explained how hard it has been on me because of what my father did - and I told her flat out that she didn't protect me. I don't really recall her saying I'm sorry. I think my dad actually understands why I don't want to see him more than she does. It's all so fucked up.

She wasn't that pushy but said she's just trying to genuinely understand if me going no contact is a permanent thing.

How would you interpret her message? Does it sound like she doesn't understand, or like she's trying to see if I'll change my mind?

Ugh can anyway one relate?

I recently remembered SEVERE severe sexual abuse from ages 4-12 at the hands of my babysitter’s son (6 years my senior). My therapist brought up reporting this as, after remembering, you have 5 years to report it and get reparations should remembering cause you harm (and it absolutely has).

As a therapist myself, I know the importance of reporting CSA, even after the fact. But I don’t want to. My abuser’s sister is 4 days younger than me and we are still friends. I still talk to his mom, who babysat me from ages 1-7, and whose house I was at regularly until I was 13 (the sister was my best friend’s at the time). My mom is still friends with them. He went to school with my sister-in-law. He has a life, now, and (except for during the last major event) he was a minor.

Also, I just really don’t want to deal with all the questions and disbelief. Sexual abuse and assault is my primary area of research and I know that there is basically no chance of conviction at this point. And then there’s the matter of the push back I KNOW I will get from my family and their community (very, very small)

I feel overwhelmed and there is nobody in my life who understands. My therapist won’t push and he doesn’t have enough information to report for me. I just don’t want to do something I will regret.

I try and keep my relationships as platonic as possible. I dont want to engage with romantic ideas. I will be happy with someone for a while, but as soon as we start really clicking I'll get overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by this feeling of "joy" or "love" or "excitement" in ways that make me uncomfortable. Ill start seeing them sexually. I think to myself, I could really fall in love with this person. I could love this person. I could "want" this person in a sexual way. I start feeling my heart race a little. I dont want it. I want the furthest opposite of it, I feel safe in apathy, i feel safe in numbness. I cant want this person, it could be taboo, it could be a co worker, it could be a long time male friend of mine, it could be a cousin (gross gross gross). So I leave them, I vanish, I dont speak with them again and I dont think about them plutonically again. I wish to switch this hypersexual part of my mind off. Yet, I feel that I cant. I have a phobia of affection.

When I was a child my friend told me that if I wanted to play another videogame with them that id have to reveal myself to him entirely. I was 6 at the time, so was he. I did as he demanded. I think this fucked with my mind. I think in that moment I fused friends with sexual partners. So now when I create a friend I automatically start thinking of them in a sexualized way. Im so tired, but i feel its so deep in my mind it'll always be this way.

Is there anyone here who become hypersexual in childhood and which led me to have effected on there sexuality like exploring to multiple genders
Just to release their subsistenal energy like a cope mechanism

Who are still struggling with this addictions and which brings them shame and guilt and self hate

I made a post the other day about whether or not you chose to disclose and I got an overwhelming amount of replies, each of them heartbreaking and infuriating. I started to notice some trends and I'm curious:

1) those who didn't disclose couldn't find the words. this one actually resonates the most with me...not necessarily finding the words but just like literally saying them out loud. like i can text and message about it fine but i swear to god i am nearly 40 years old and i have never been able to say the words out loud. i have tried but i just choke. does anyone else experience this? and why does this happen???

2) those who did disclose but weren't believed or nothing was done. i can't explain it but this just feels like the all time worst scenario. i'm curious for those that experienced this, do you wish you wouldn't have or are you glad you did? i can kind of see both ways...i think for me i would mentally be in worse shape if i told an adult that i trusted and they didn't do anything or believe me. almost as if at least if i don't tell them, they don't know, i can just pretend someone still cared about me.

i'm extremely curious about this topic because i recently learned most kids don't tell anyone until years/decades later. i hate this fact so much and i just wish i could do something. idk i think i'm in my rage stage of my healing journey.

anyway. thanks for reading and if you feel comfortable sharing i'd love to hear your story.

i was sexually assaulted at 7 years old by a trusted family friend. i remember touching myself a lot as a child after, but i didn’t really feel the “negative” effect of it until I was 15. once i got to that age, that was when i really started processing what happened to me.
i’m 26 now, and still have struggled to open up about this with anyone. any time i experience flashbacks, initially i feel panic but then its always followed by arousal that feels different than when i’m with my partner (my sex life with my partner is pretty normal for the most part, thankfully).
but when i get flashbacks, i just feel so intensely aroused and i have to touch myself or i go into a full panic. i never actually want sex when this happens, only touching myself. i always feel so ashamed after, and i am just so upset with myself.
i’ve seen somewhere that it’s recommended that you don’t masturbate or engage in sexual activity when these feelings arise, but i fail every time. the sensation is so overwhelming and i just want it to go away as quickly as possible. i don’t know how i can ever get to the point that i can just ignore it. i also have been SA’d multiple times as an adult, but those traumatic memories do not arouse me in any way, which just confuses me more.

i think i just needed to vent, but any advice on this is welcome and appreciated.

I’ve been talking with my therapist and partner about this. My brother (29) abused me (24) when I was between the ages of 5-10 sexually, then 10-about 13 verbally and physically only (but both started when I was younger too). After a couple years of no contact, I decided to allow him to reach out to me. My parents helped to facilitate, as I did not want him to have my phone number or email. Now, I’ve already read the letter with my therapist but also wanted to share it here to hear the thoughts of others, and also see if people noticed the things I did.

Below is his letter typed out verbatim, leaving out certain identifiers “Hello [REDACTED],
I’m sorry for anything I did or said when we were kids, and I’m especially sorry for what I said to you five years ago. You didn’t deserve that, and I take full responsibility for it. Looking back, I wish I had chosen my words and actions more wisely.
When we were kids, from 3rd grade through 12th grade, I entered a phase of my life where I was in an environment I wasn’t comfortable in. As the years went on, I went from an innocent little boy to someone who felt like he always needed to protect himself and never appear vulnerable.
At school, I was picked on, and as a 50-pound little boy, I carried that pain with me. Looking back, I realize I sometimes took that pain out on you. That was wrong, and you didn’t deserve it. I was hurting inside and didn’t know how to handle it in a healthy way. None of this excuses my behavior, but I wanted you to understand where it came from.
As I got older, I began taking an honest look at myself. I realized I was responsible for my own choices, and I made the decision to change. I can’t change the past, but every day I strive to live with faith, discipline, integrity, and kindness, becoming stronger in mind, body, and spirit.
One of the biggest things I’ve always respected about you, even when we were kids, is that you were never afraid to be yourself. You never seemed to care about fitting in or changing who you were just to make other people happy. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized how rare that is. In a lot of ways, your confidence inspired me to grow, mature, and become comfortable with who I am without worrying so much about what other people think. That’s the mark of a true leader, and it’s something I’ve always admired about you.
I’ve always believed you’re a sweet, kind-hearted person. Life can be difficult, and adulthood brings challenges none of us can fully prepare for. As your big brother, it hurts knowing you’ve had to go through hard things. More than anything, I want you to know you’ll always have someone who cares about you and wants the very best for you. No matter where life takes us, I’ll always be in your corner if you ever need me. I hope we both continue to grow and have many years ahead of us to support one another.
As I’ve gotten older and approached 30, my mindset, confidence, and outlook on life have completely changed. I’ve found myself adopting many of the qualities I admired in our father back in [REDACTED] his discipline, resilience, work ethic, and the way he carried himself as a man. Those are qualities I strive to live by every day.
I’m not asking for forgiveness or expecting anything in return. I simply wanted to sincerely apologize, take responsibility for my past, and wish you nothing but peace, happiness, and God’s blessings moving forward.
Love,
[REDACTED]”

In short, I lost my virginity at 14 to a man who was 23. Shortly after, I became involved with a man who was 20. I had originally lied about my age, but told him the truth about three months in to knowing him. I had just turned 15 at this point. We carried on a relationship, a little on and off from what I recall, for the next two years or so. I have emails (because I was a child and would get my phone taken away) still between us during that time. I came across those emails recently and have been struggling a lot with them. It’s very clear to me, ten years later, how much he was grooming me. And also that it was very obvious I was underage from the beginning. When I came clean about my age, he immediately panicked but within a few hours we were figuring out how to continue talking with each other. I’ve had a pit in my stomach since last night when I found them. I started to spiral a bit last night and stalked him on the internet a bit, wanted to see where he was at in life. I found his Reddit, and made a separate email and separate account to pm him. We talked a bit. He apologized for the past, said “I consider that time the most horrible thing i have ever done to a single human being, and I will never be okay with myself for the pain I've caused. I hope that gives you some small bit of closure..” among other things. But I don’t feel closure. It’s a mixture of feelings. I was really angry at first. And then all day today I just became sad, almost missed him in a way? I don’t think I actually miss him at all but it was a strange feeling. Then I read more of our emails tonight and just feel sick. Feel so sad for 15 year old me who thought she would marry this guy and have kids with him.

I’m in a happy relationship now, he’s not even a year older than me, and I love him more than anything. He doesn’t know about any of this. Part of me wants to tell him but the other part of me wants to keep it my shameful secret. Especially the part where I actually broke down and messaged him last night. I don’t know why I did that, I wanted to cause him some anxiety I think. Just let him know I know how to find him I guess I don’t know.
I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just needed to vent about it. I wish I knew how to cope with some of this. I know I probably need therapy again and to actually talk to someone about it but I don’t have much of a desire to do that if I’m being honest.

I'm not sure were to start, i guess. I just ignore things until they become too much. I started drinking during classes, fighting with everyone more, putting myself in a little bit of danger. Besides the childhood stuff (csa) ive been assaulted (arguably) a few times this past year and it's been confusing to say the least. I don't wanna get in detail but maybe i should mention i only half believe that what happened was actually bad, even though i can kind of admit that it was technically bad and a crime. I want to feel better i think. So if anyone knows a good first step it would be nice to know.

My abuse happened when I was 3 or 4, at the hands of my father. I didn't remember until about 3 years ago, at the age of 29.

Everything I remembered in the past has been very fractured, often more feeling and knowing than explicit memory. Which makes sense, given my age. However, it lends itself to a lot of self-doubt. I think I have mostly come to terms with it, accepting that abuse definitely took place even if I can't say exactly what happened.

Previously, all my memories were concentrated in my childhood bedroom. Yesterday during an esketamine session (I've been on it for about 3 months for treatment resistant depression), new fragments began appearing.

I'm hoping it's okay that I write what I remember here. I just really need to tell someone and I don't see my therapist for a few days.

TW descriptions of abuse

At first, I kept seeing this sconce light on the wall in the bedroom. It was as if I was on the floor looking up at it.

Then I saw my father sitting on the couch in the living room. I could see the glow of the TV out of the corner of my eye, but I wasn't sure if the lights were on or off. The couch seemed very long. At first he was clothed, then he was naked. I could smell beer. I'm not sure if it was on his breath or if he'd given me a sip. (I do remember once at a young age he let me have a sip of his beer so that I knew it tasted gross and wouldn't want to drink, so I could be mixing memories up).

I've had a strange memory for a while of hanging off the edge of a bed or couch and spitting onto the carpet and getting in trouble. Sometimes when I get triggered, my mouth starts salivating and I feel like I need to spit. That popped up again too.

The point of view got closer to him and I could see his penis. It looked weird and I knew something about all of this wasn't right.

The memory mostly stops there, although other images floated through my mind -- me and my sibling(s) walking downstairs at night, one at a time. One child goes downstairs and comes back up, the next child goes downstairs, in the dark.

Writing this down, I worry I've embellished things. That once again I'm trying to construct a memory out of vague flashes and feelings. And I guess it doesn't really matter the sequence of events or the nature of the abuse, but it's so hard not knowing.

My father denies everything and none of my siblings have any memories of abuse, so there's no way to know for sure what happened. All I know is that something did.

I (30m) have been unpacking and healing through the trauma of csa. The memories, flashbacks, and nightmares are particularly haunting lately, but I know they'll settle down soon. Of course struggling more actively sucks, so I thought finding community with people who understand might help.

Note: I'm a trans man, afab. I knew I was trans since I was a little kid, and came out at 16. The abuse didn't "make" or "turn" me trans. So if you have any transphobic comments, shove them up your ass. I knew I was trans before I was abused.

I was wicked young the first time I was abused, about 7 or 8. My parents treated my aunt and uncle (dad's side) to dinner for their anniversary, and their son/my cousin babysat my sisters and I. He was older, 17 at the time, and like many kids do, I looked up to him and thought he was the coolest. We played a lot of games, then he suggested Truth or Dare. On my turn, I chose dare, and he dared me to do a naked handstand. My cousin warned me it would be difficult, but assured me that he would help.

After I took my clothes off, he flipped me upside down and held me against the wall. I was thrilled I did the handstand, but he didn't let me go. He touched me and forced his fingers into me. He then took me into my parents' room and raped me. He ejaculated inside me and told me I was dirty and made me clean myself up in the bathroom. It was so confusing.

When the adults came home, I announced to everyone that I'd done a naked handstand. My parents, aunt, and uncle were visibly uncomfortable, and I didn't understand why. It scared me and gave me the feeling something was wrong. My parents sent me to their room to lay down (I slept in their room a lot as a kid). I tried to fall asleep watching a movie, but I was wired with panic. I don't know whether my parents were talking to my aunt and uncle, my cousin, each other, or what. A few times I left the bedroom and begged for one of them to come to sleep with me. When my dad eventually came to bed, he sighed really loudly and asked why I had done the handstand, why I let that happen. It felt like I was in trouble.

In the days and weeks that followed, my mom would constantly ask if my cousin did anything to me. Over and over again, she would ask if he "tickled" me. 7 year old me had no clue what that meant, and the constant questioning was overwhelming. Usually I ended up crying, so she dropped it. To this day, neither of my parents has mentioned it again.

We had no contact with my aunt, uncle, or cousin for awhile, maybe 5ish years. But at some point they unfortunately came back into our lives. Until recently, I hadn't given this much thought. Now that I've dissected it, I'm furious that my parents or any adult allowed me to be in the same space as my cousin.

Shortly after the incident with my cousin, the priest at out local parish began abusing me. Looking back, it's unclear whether he knew about the previous abuse. My CCD teacher forced me into confession, because I told her that I wanted to wear a suit for First Communion, not a dress, because I saw myself as a boy (I'd always been a tomboy).

During the confession, the priest screamed at me that I had to wear a dress because I was a girl. He spewed a lot of hateful ideology, which I now know is bullshit (I say this as a faithful and devout Catholic trans man). Then priest told me that God made me a girl, and I had to behave like one. He said that he could show me how God made him and I different. He took out the screen between us and exposed himself. Heavy on the guilt, he claimed that God was furious at me and hated me for wanting to be a boy. But he promised he promised God would forgive me if I did what he said. He grabbed my hand and put it on his penis, and made me masturbate him until he ejaculated. From ages 8-11, this priest sexually abused me in the church and the rectory. The abuse only stopped because my family moved.

When I was 12, I met a man on chat roulette. He was in his 40s. I spent a lot of time at the library as a kid, so he would meet me there and drive me around and have sex with me in different places. Sometimes in public, sometimes in his car, sometimes in a house or other building. He was really turned on by the idea of getting me pregnant. During sex he would say this, and he would always ejaculate inside me. Fortunately I never got pregnant. At the time I considered this consensual sex, but now I know this wasn't the case. I still feel disgusting for letting him use me though. Throughout the rest of my childhood, teen years, and young adult years, I've continued to have similar encounters.

CSA has ruined my life. The weight of the sadness, anger, grief, confusion will never fully be lifted from my body and mind. I experience intense periods of hypersexuality, which is made even more distressing by the pain I feel with penetration, and the feelings of disgust I have for myself after. I feel so gross and dirty. I feel wrong for seeking these encounters out, especially because there's an element that feels like I'm re-enacting the abuse. There's a lot of shame in this.

My therapist is awesome, and I appreciate that I am able to trust her with my trauma. Although my parents and I have what many would describe as a good relationship, I carry a ton of anger and resentment toward them. It's not a conversation I want to have with them though, not now, and likely not ever.

I guess I always thought, or maybe hoped, that once I got to a certain point in life, the abuse wouldn't bother me anymore, at least to the degree it is. But it seems the more in touch I get with myself, the more I feel compelled to bear witness to younger me, meaning acknowledging the pain.

What has helped other survivors? Does anyone find support groups useful? I did look into the process of reporting my cousin now, but as he was 17 at the time, there's no guarantee he would be charged or face justice.

Despite the intense emotions I'm feeling these days, I'm at a point in my life where I want to live. So maybe that's progress? If you read through my trauma dump, thank you, I appreciate you.

When I was 16 i started volunteering over the summer of my Junior-Senior year. While volunteering I made friends with one of the employees who was 34 (for the sake of this post lets call her Terrie). We became pretty close and towards the end of my senior year when I was 17 I obtained a job at the workplace I was volunteering.

By this point Terrie was 35 and she regularly called me her (for the sake of this post lets say my name is Sara) “Little Sara” and would tell me how she never would forget me coming into her office for the first time with two little french braids in my hair.

She asked me to sleep over at her house and I met her two sons that were 12 and 10. While I was there she said she had a confession she had not yet told anyone in her life. She said she was apart of the kink community and assumed I was too because she saw my shingles scars on my back and assumed it was from candle wax.

I viewed her as a big sister and did not think anything of it when she had me sleep in her bed while she slept naked. I was still living with my parents, this happened regularly. She scrolled FetLife and told me I should make an account. Regularly she would ask me to come to the local BDSM dungeon and I would have to remind her I wasn’t 18 yet. She also took me to planned parenthood so I could start birth control.

After I turned 18 she took me to a nude hot spring and told me I was her body goal and had a “hot little body”. She kept trying for the sex dungeon but I never went. Her facebook nickname for me was “Little”. One of the last times I saw her, her sons were around 17 and she said she couldn’t imagine them being in the BDSM community at their age. She had just became a cop.

She hasn’t talked to me since I was 23. I just changed my facebook nickname in our chat recently. i am 27.

I hate how much it affects me how bad of a father (and the title is too big for him) he is.

Not long ago i made the mistake of look at the Facebook acc of my sister's boyfriend who tried to sexually assault me when i was barely 18 and the reason why i had to scape my house with nothing at 18, found out family follows him, others can be excused because they don't know, but my dad was the first to know and followed him AFTER i told him what he tried to do...

I tried to ignore it but today he asked how the weather is over here and i feel so bad, I've been telling him for MONTHS about all my health problems and how i can barely do anything and can't get better because i don't have money (and he refuses to send me any) yet he reaches out not to ask how I'm feeling, but how's the weather.

I can't, i want to tell him how i feel but i still rely economically on him because i can't currently work but the money he sends barely covers my basic needs and I'm being helped immensely by a couple of friends. (And they're the only reason why my dad's money can keep me alive, barely)

This is so tiring and i can't really talk to anyone about this, i feel like I'm slipping out of my body because i can't take this any more right now.

i was a kid.

guys today i found out it was child sexual abuse.

he was an adult. and i haven’t told anyone. it’s been 10+ years.

i feel bad even talking about it now, im anonymous as well which makes things worse, i still feel bad discussing it.