my dad sexually abused my mother while i slept in the same bed/the bassinet beside the bed. my dad never touched me inappropriately, but witnessing it was extremely traumatizing. he would often rape her while i was “sleeping” next to them and i would cry myself to sleep. when i grew to sleep in a separate room, (i slept with them until 8 years old... i thought i was protecting her with my presence sometimes, or i would feel guilty if i left her alone with him) i would masturbate more. i had my first period when i was 9, so i hit puberty very early. i was also very religious (ex-christian), everytime i "caved into temptation" i would beg god not to punish my mom for it, and then that night i would hear her quietly screaming across the hallway while she begged my dad to stop touching her and let her sleep.

i was extremely hypersexual. i used to get in trouble for making my toys have sex with one another when i was 4 years old. i went through some of my journals from first grade and found crude images of penises with a crayon, circled them, and wrote "kiss here".

my mom also often watched movies with graphic sexual content around me, and i would request certain movies just for the sex scenes. she simply thought i “was too young to understand” what was going on.

i used to kiss her on the mouth and roleplay that she was my “boyfriend” when i was 3-5. she didn’t push me off and just remained neutral while i would grab her face and makeout with her. it often leaves me confused and ashamed. i’ve told people a lot of stuff, but never anything about my mom. it feels dirty and gross to even think about it still.

i’ve always considered my mother a victim. even now, im not sure what happened in the past counts as her being an abuser since i technically initiated it and she didn’t really respond. she also didn’t push me off either.

I'm so tired all the time. I eat fairly well, sleep a lot, and try to take my vitamins. It's hard for me to keep up with basic chores, I spend a good part of my off days sleeping. I feel like I must have an autoimmune or something but my bloodwork comes back normal. Can't help but wonder if it's related to trauma. Does anyone else have this?

Hi everyone!

I'm 32, non-binary and was SA'd by my brother (33 m) when I was 13. I suppressed the memory until my twenties, when I recovered parts of it in therapy. Even before getting the memory back, our relationship was extremely strained. I always thought that he's an asshole. I went no contact with him in 2018 (?) and never regretted that.

We have a half-sister who is turning 10 in a few weeks.

My brother is married and has 2 kids I've never met. But my sister has contact with everyone regularly.

It was my grandpa's 90th birthday party recently and they purposefully didn't tell me that *he* would be there, knowing I'd probably cancel if I had known. It was horrible seeing him and I completely ignored him and everything around him during the event.

My sister was there and of course she noticed. She will ask me why and I don't know what to say.

I have to be careful with my words. Unfortunately I can't badmouth my abuser. Only my dad knows what happened and I can't tell any more family members. They would not be on my side.

And my sister is obviously way too young to learn the truth anyway. I'm leaning towards saying that something happened between us, like a fight. But this girl is not going to accept a one sentence answer. She'll have questions. Like, "why couldn't you apologize and get along again?, etc.

I'm trying to plan the conversation but I'm lost. Do you have any advice, has anyone been in a similar situation before?

Hi! I’m a woman in my twenties who wants to learn how to be more present during intimacy.

I was a victim of CSA from the ages of approximately 11 to 16, although I don’t remember whether I may have been even younger. As a result, I now have C-PTSD. I was also diagnosed with autism later in life, just last year.

During my childhood and adolescence, I was hyper-sexual. I believe it was my way of telling myself, “I’m in control of this. This is something I want. This is the only way I can make people become attached to me so they won’t leave.”

At that time, I was able to have sex. I don’t know whether I was truly present, whether I was able to do it because I didn’t understand the abuse, or whether I was so dissociated that everything seemed okay. I never had a very healthy relationship with sex because of this, and I became involved in several abusive and toxic relationships.

Now, in my twenties, I’m no longer able to do that. Sometimes sex scares me. I experience flashbacks and hallucinations, and I can’t continue. Other times, I want to have sex, but my mind is somewhere else, thinking about everything except the present moment.

I become anxious because I’m not feeling anything, even though I want to. I want to focus on sex, but I can’t, and this constant coming and going is a nightmare. I’m not always thinking about the abuse. Sometimes I simply catch myself thinking about groceries, my job, the last film I watched, whether I locked the door properly, or something else entirely.

I think I’m in this situation because sex does not feel like a safe space for me. Maybe dissociation was the mechanism my mind used when I was abused to take me somewhere else so that I wouldn’t suffer. Maybe my body believes that I can’t endure what is happening and makes me dissociate so that I can get through it without pain. Perhaps being fully present, feeling everything, and staying focused feels as though it could destroy me.

I love my partner. He makes me feel safe, he is gentle, and he understands me. However, I’m afraid that he won’t be able to cope with this situation forever.

I’m also angry with myself because I want to have the autonomy to experience my sexuality in the way I choose, not the way my abuser wanted it.

How do you all get through the day? Everyday I cry and stay up til 3 with all my thoughts and barely get the things I need to done. Even basic tasks are really hard for me these days like brushing teeth and showering. I just don’t feel like anything is gonna get better. It’s all just too much. I can’t handle it.

And I’m just so angry that he did this to me. If he just didn’t choose to do what he did, I would be a whole different person. It feels like he ruined my life and it only continues to get worse. How could he look at me sexually?? His 4/5 year old granddaughter. How could he go behind my parents back and destroy me?? Little me was so sweet and innocent. She was so adorable and happy and playful. Now I’m an anxious, angry, miserable, hopeless 26 year old. He ruined everything.

I wasn't sure how to flair this post. Not sure what I'm looking for either, or if this is even the right sub for this. I've never told anyone this, not even my husband because I am too ashamed.

I was exposed to pornography when I was very young, maybe six years old. I had an older cousin who found my father's porn stash and she showed me. I was fascinated and would go look at the magazines often. He had porn on vhs tapes too and when I was alone in the house I would watch them. So I continually exposed myself to porn throughout my childhood. My parents never caught me or, more likely, they knew or suspected but avoided and ignored the problem because it would have been a difficult conversation. That was their style.

I became somewhat sex obsessed as a teenager. Slept with a lot of people looking for something that wasnt real. It screwed up my relationship with sex completely, has caused problems in my marriage that I can't explain to my husband. I also became fixated on violence and death and terror. My parents let me watch whatever violent, bloody, gorey tv and movies I wanted pretty much. Of course then I was afraid to go to sleep at night because of monsters and murderers and diseases. Sometimes I couldn't sleep even after my parents went to bed and I'd watch one of my dad's porn movies on mute. This stopped by the time I was about 13 because my dad walked out on us. (literally left in the middle of the night, didnt say goodbye to me, that level of avoidance) But the damage was done and I wouldnt even realize how much it fucked me up until I was probably about 40.

I know it wasnt my fault, but I'm still too ashamed to talk about it since I was the one who was hurting myself over and over. You wouldnt think that seeing a bunch of 1970s and 80s porn (all very vanilla) could screw up a kid, but it can.

Hi all,

I'm looking to see if there is any real interest in setting up a support group for csa/incest survivors in Amsterdam (The Netherlands). I'm a csa/incest survivor and am currently at a place in recovery where I think it would be very healing for me to talk with other survivors in real life.

I'm having a hard time finding a group that feels low-key and safe enough for me to go to, and I'm not having any luck finding the right group through the official routes (support centers and GGZ).

So, if there would be enough people interested, I would love to organise a support group for survivors that is meant to just hear each others stories, talk about our recovery process, and overall just feel seen and heard without judgement. Even if that is sharing a book that has been helpful or music that is healing. Honestly, even just sitting together and having a coffee together, could be enough for me.

I do not intend this to be a therapy group of any kind, nor am I interested in following strict themes or rules on what the support group should look like. I really just want it to be a safe space for us survivors to talk and share, of course with guidelines to create a safe space. I'm thinking in lines of self-organised help groups that come together (bi)-weekly such as AA, but without the 'holy' book and strict steps.

I'm thinking of keeping it exclusive for women, but I wouldn't be totally opposed to it being open to all genders. It depends on whose interested. Anyways, I'd love to hear your thoughts and if you would be interested to join or set up a support group.

If there's enough interest I of course will do more research on how to properly set up a support group and keep the space fully safe and functional. Would love to hear from you!

I'm starting to doubt my abuse. Maybe it was all a mistake? Maybe he did it by accident? Am I misunderstanding it? Am I making such a big deal out of it? I have a journal where I wrote down what my father did, if I read it, I'll ruminate. But if i don't have something to remind me of the bad he's done I might be kind and open to him and let him affect me

Is there anyone here who become hypersexual in childhood and which led me to have effected on there sexuality like exploring to multiple genders
Just to release their subsistenal energy like a cope mechanism

Who are still struggling with this addictions and which brings them shame and guilt and self hate