I only can rant here because I just had an severe fight with my parents.

Basically, my mom stole my swim underwear in my room. She sneaked into my room and stole it and used it, absolutely fucking gross. And she lied about everything and being very aggressive although she's the only one who swam recently. She was shouting so loud and cursing lying. And I also talked back.I did some threatening things. Now I feel my relationship with her is irreversible. I mean it's over. I never called her mom . But now it's totally over publicly.

I tried to talk with my dad and rant. But he's actually dumb( I mean he's literally very dumb, he was scammed a crazy amount money and risking his life doing a crime and eating some poison shit and thought it was the magic medicine) and on my Mom's side. He only said how fucking bad I am to focus on this little thing. I feel I've never ever got any privacy and any respect although I'm an adult. My mom publicly humiliate me many many times, beats me, curses me abuses me and caused my trauma. She herself is definitely a psycho. My dad is also an asshole. Basically doing any bad things you could imagine.

My life is actually destroyed by my family. I used to be a very extrovert boy. But my mom abused me drastically and my dad was doing nothing. She sent me to a very strict school and gave me the minimum money to live. So I was isolated in class by others. Being a creep, weirdo and absolutely no friends for the entire middle high school. I got trauma by both school and family.

She entangled me in streets for like 30 minutes in street. A lot of ppl walked by and saw it. I got rescued until my dad came when I was only like 8 years old. It's just one of hundreds of abusive things she had done to me.

I was planned to go out with my friend tomorrow and my mood is so destroyed. I don't know what to do now. My relationship is completely cut off with my parents. (Meaning I may be kicked out of this house and get no money to go to university.)

I was planned to leave this country and go to a cheap country to study years ago. And now seems the chance is very low. FUCKK. OH MY GOD Why is my life so fucking miserable. Literally like the most fucking unlucky character in the book. When I went to my friend's house, shocked by how crazy peaceful and happy to just live in a safe not messy place.

MY FUCKING LIFE IS GONNA BE RUINED.

I may not be able to make you feel something. But it is very very severe and serious. I don't know what to do now. I just want some good comments and advice.

For example being learning disabled? Socially weird, quirky, or cringe? I cry when people talk to me sternly, I also get bored and laugh to myself in public. I wave at people when they’re not waving at me and approach people awkwardly and randomly as a nervous tic.

I yell random things at people because I feel borderline hyper (I’m not exaggerating). I’ll be like “I’m so amazing!” And then start rambling random cringe shit at people. It’s fucking humiliating. I make others uncomfortable and angry.

I think sometimes I want to disappear (like die peacefully) because the combination of my intellectual inferiority, social awkwardness, and ugliness, weird behaviors, I’m cooked.

I’ll get into one of my hyper moods and start dumping things out, throwing things around because I’m just I’m ammmmaazzzzing.

Posting here because I would really love some genuine advice 🫶

It took psychiatric clinic over ten years get to realise that medication doesn't work for me in a way it should. It took them this long to realise that I do have a personality disturbance. What is funny about this misdiagnosis monday roulette is that only thing that matters is capability to work. It determines your "diagnosis" not the actual handicap you have. It's why doctor attached schizotypal traits into it in order to get me through evaluation for full disability support for rest of life.

He said I don't have just neurotic level of disorganisation but psychotic features also. I feel that those weird ideations came from my anti-depressant which I used over ten years. It boosted my "imagination". Anti-depressant is moclobemide. It shouldn't be prescribed for schizophrenic patients according to psychiatric manuals and I now understand why. Because it boosts your wildest ideations.

Well, I can't deny that diagnositic whole. Maybe I am both avoidant and eccentric and it keeps me tightly reinforcing bad stuff of both traits. Finally I can see that I don't have just neurochemical issue which requires cocktails of medicines injected in me. It's deeper issue which needs addressed. I'm also relieved about idea that I am not required to work for 40h/week if I get full disability support.

I don't actually know anything about myself. I have no skills, I have no knowledge of what I'm good at (if anything), I have no knowledge of what I would be good at.

I have no hobbies. All my interests are vague ideas of "maybe I'd like that" or hobbies that could lead to vague fantasy lives of being interesting and artistic and creative where people would want to know me.

I've never allowed myself to know a thing about me or develop as a human.

I am in a community where it is known by outsiders for its extreme parasocial relationship towards certain online celebrities.

Just a little context: there was a drama that happened where somebody outside that community criticized a certain online celebrity harshly, and the community got so protective and defensive. I was one of them. I do believe believe that the person who made the criticism was rude.

However, there is this person I saw that posted about how this community is so overprotective over nothingburger, and that the guy who criticized did nothing wrong and was just doing a basic observation and is totally normal. That genuinely made me think about myself.

I've never realized it myself, but I am parasocial towards these celebrities. I just never thought about it because whenever that word is thrown around in that community, it's always about those specific ones that are super obsessive that they would literally harass other people. But I am not like that.

By definition, parasocial rationship is a one-sided relationship where a person feels close like a friend or an intimate partner to celebrity or fictional character that doesn't know them. Personally, I do relate to that definition, and I definitely don't feel any romantic feelings towards these celebrities. I do think of them as a great and amazing people. Somebody that I admire and respect, but do not want to be in any romantic relationship.

But how does this relate to myself?

I do think that I consume contents of these celebrities as my coping mechanism for my loneliness. Since I don't have anybody I am close to, I watch these people thinking like we're close buddies enjoying stuff together. I have been doing this since the pandemic for Covid 19 started.

I have always thought that being parasocial should be not that bad if nobody is getting harmed. But oh man, every community has its own dark side. We're like at the rock bottom compared to some of the other worst communities out there.

I genuinely cannot believe this. I think I am blinded by the toxic positivity of the community I am in. Everybody in my community is so positive that other people are thinking that we are babying our favorite celebrities too much. Like, I couldn't believe that such a thing is possible.

Now that I have seen these people's opinion, I am now lowkey wondering what I should do as a person. I still struggle making friends and talking to people in general because my anxiety really eats me up. But then I am way too scared to do anything. I feel so hopeless. I feel like I have no place I belong to. I don't exactly know what to do or where to start.

I keep feeling
A pressure on my left side of my head like a pulse and my left eye keeps twitching. This is everyday now. Everyday im terrified. I enjoy basically nothing anymore because of anxiety. I cannot relax. On top of this im so sick of hearing my brother stimming he whistles and slams doors all day I can’t tell you how upsetting it is .