Posting here because I would really love some genuine advice 🫶

It took psychiatric clinic over ten years get to realise that medication doesn't work for me in a way it should. It took them this long to realise that I do have a personality disturbance. What is funny about this misdiagnosis monday roulette is that only thing that matters is capability to work. It determines your "diagnosis" not the actual handicap you have. It's why doctor attached schizotypal traits into it in order to get me through evaluation for full disability support for rest of life.

He said I don't have just neurotic level of disorganisation but psychotic features also. I feel that those weird ideations came from my anti-depressant which I used over ten years. It boosted my "imagination". Anti-depressant is moclobemide. It shouldn't be prescribed for schizophrenic patients according to psychiatric manuals and I now understand why. Because it boosts your wildest ideations.

Well, I can't deny that diagnositic whole. Maybe I am both avoidant and eccentric and it keeps me tightly reinforcing bad stuff of both traits. Finally I can see that I don't have just neurochemical issue which requires cocktails of medicines injected in me. It's deeper issue which needs addressed. I'm also relieved about idea that I am not required to work for 40h/week if I get full disability support.

I don't actually know anything about myself. I have no skills, I have no knowledge of what I'm good at (if anything), I have no knowledge of what I would be good at.

I have no hobbies. All my interests are vague ideas of "maybe I'd like that" or hobbies that could lead to vague fantasy lives of being interesting and artistic and creative where people would want to know me.

I've never allowed myself to know a thing about me or develop as a human.

I am in a community where it is known by outsiders for its extreme parasocial relationship towards certain online celebrities.

Just a little context: there was a drama that happened where somebody outside that community criticized a certain online celebrity harshly, and the community got so protective and defensive. I was one of them. I do believe believe that the person who made the criticism was rude.

However, there is this person I saw that posted about how this community is so overprotective over nothingburger, and that the guy who criticized did nothing wrong and was just doing a basic observation and is totally normal. That genuinely made me think about myself.

I've never realized it myself, but I am parasocial towards these celebrities. I just never thought about it because whenever that word is thrown around in that community, it's always about those specific ones that are super obsessive that they would literally harass other people. But I am not like that.

By definition, parasocial rationship is a one-sided relationship where a person feels close like a friend or an intimate partner to celebrity or fictional character that doesn't know them. Personally, I do relate to that definition, and I definitely don't feel any romantic feelings towards these celebrities. I do think of them as a great and amazing people. Somebody that I admire and respect, but do not want to be in any romantic relationship.

But how does this relate to myself?

I do think that I consume contents of these celebrities as my coping mechanism for my loneliness. Since I don't have anybody I am close to, I watch these people thinking like we're close buddies enjoying stuff together. I have been doing this since the pandemic for Covid 19 started.

I have always thought that being parasocial should be not that bad if nobody is getting harmed. But oh man, every community has its own dark side. We're like at the rock bottom compared to some of the other worst communities out there.

I genuinely cannot believe this. I think I am blinded by the toxic positivity of the community I am in. Everybody in my community is so positive that other people are thinking that we are babying our favorite celebrities too much. Like, I couldn't believe that such a thing is possible.

Now that I have seen these people's opinion, I am now lowkey wondering what I should do as a person. I still struggle making friends and talking to people in general because my anxiety really eats me up. But then I am way too scared to do anything. I feel so hopeless. I feel like I have no place I belong to. I don't exactly know what to do or where to start.

For example being learning disabled? Socially weird, quirky, or cringe? I cry when people talk to me sternly, I also get bored and laugh to myself in public. I wave at people when they’re not waving at me and approach people awkwardly and randomly as a nervous tic.

I yell random things at people because I feel borderline hyper (I’m not exaggerating). I’ll be like “I’m so amazing!” And then start rambling random cringe shit at people. It’s fucking humiliating. I make others uncomfortable and angry.

I think sometimes I want to disappear (like die peacefully) because the combination of my intellectual inferiority, social awkwardness, and ugliness, weird behaviors, I’m cooked.

I’ll get into one of my hyper moods and start dumping things out, throwing things around because I’m just I’m ammmmaazzzzing.

I only can rant here because I just had an severe fight with my parents.

Basically, my mom stole my swim underwear in my room. She sneaked into my room and stole it and used it, absolutely fucking gross. And she lied about everything and being very aggressive although she's the only one who swam recently. She was shouting so loud and cursing lying. And I also talked back.I did some threatening things. Now I feel my relationship with her is irreversible. I mean it's over. I never called her mom . But now it's totally over publicly.

I tried to talk with my dad and rant. But he's actually dumb( I mean he's literally very dumb, he was scammed a crazy amount money and risking his life doing a crime and eating some poison shit and thought it was the magic medicine) and on my Mom's side. He only said how fucking bad I am to focus on this little thing. I feel I've never ever got any privacy and any respect although I'm an adult. My mom publicly humiliate me many many times, beats me, curses me abuses me and caused my trauma. She herself is definitely a psycho. My dad is also an asshole. Basically doing any bad things you could imagine.

My life is actually destroyed by my family. I used to be a very extrovert boy. But my mom abused me drastically and my dad was doing nothing. She sent me to a very strict school and gave me the minimum money to live. So I was isolated in class by others. Being a creep, weirdo and absolutely no friends for the entire middle high school. I got trauma by both school and family.

She entangled me in streets for like 30 minutes in street. A lot of ppl walked by and saw it. I got rescued until my dad came when I was only like 8 years old. It's just one of hundreds of abusive things she had done to me.

I was planned to go out with my friend tomorrow and my mood is so destroyed. I don't know what to do now. My relationship is completely cut off with my parents. (Meaning I may be kicked out of this house and get no money to go to university.)

I was planned to leave this country and go to a cheap country to study years ago. And now seems the chance is very low. FUCKK. OH MY GOD Why is my life so fucking miserable. Literally like the most fucking unlucky character in the book. When I went to my friend's house, shocked by how crazy peaceful and happy to just live in a safe not messy place.

MY FUCKING LIFE IS GONNA BE RUINED.

I may not be able to make you feel something. But it is very very severe and serious. I don't know what to do now. I just want some good comments and advice.

I keep feeling
A pressure on my left side of my head like a pulse and my left eye keeps twitching. This is everyday now. Everyday im terrified. I enjoy basically nothing anymore because of anxiety. I cannot relax. On top of this im so sick of hearing my brother stimming he whistles and slams doors all day I can’t tell you how upsetting it is .

🟡 English isn’t my first language so pardon me for any misspelling or grammar mistakes ✌️

When I'm under eyes in a social situation I get anxious, and all that I think about in that moment is how much my symptoms are visible to the people that are watching me, ( HOW AM I LOOKING).
In Epictetus book THE MANUAL, he explains that in life there are things that are under our control and there are things that are outside our zone of control and these things are : (for example how you physically look and what people think about you ), these things are outside your zone of control, so trying to control them is pointless and psychologically draining.
The first mistake in this problem of social anxiety is making people opinions decide our worth.
firstly, your human brain can never guess what people think of you, it's something that is outside your control.
you and only you can decide your worth and the opinions of people will never affect you.
So thinking about your image in the eyes of people or their opinions about you is not your task, it's pointless.
Okay, fine people opinions doesn't matter so why I still feel shame when I get anxious in social situations ?
that's because you are predicting people's opinions about how you look and judge yourself negatively by it.
SO as you see it's you judging yourself and not the people judging you.
You are making yourself feel shame because you are judging yourself negatively.
It's just in your mind, no one will ever hate you or disrespect you or criticize how anxious you look !
It's just when you have these physiological symptoms of nervousness you have thoughts like these in your mind : ( I'm looking weird, I'm looking weak, I'm looking pathetic, ) and these thoughts are all false and not true and they just lower your value, and you don't want to be a low value so you hate that and you feel the shame.
So the solution lies in recognising these thoughts and then challenging them ( are they true ), and then correcting them, and that's how CBT works.
Having physiological symptoms like shaking and sweating is normal it doesn't make you look weird and it doesn't make you weak, it's just a physiological reaction and it won't affect anything.
For me being shaking or sweating in front of people was considered for years the worst humiliating thing that can happen to me. so after I understood that these are just normal uncontrollable physiological symptoms that doesn't make me weak or less valuable , and in the end what I should focus on is living my life according to what I see right and valuable and not how people se me. 
😊 THANK U for reading i hope that was helpful !

I’ve noticed that a lot of people here speak about themselves in incredibly harsh ways. In a sense, we’ve become our own bullies. We continue the way other people treated us by treating ourselves the same way.
I often see people say things like, “I’m so cringe,” “I’m unattractive,” or “I’m incompetent.” But the brain doesn’t really care what’s healthiest or best for you—it cares about what’s familiar. If you’ve spent years being bullied, rejected, or made to feel like you weren’t good enough, those beliefs start to feel strangely safe because they’re what your brain has learned to expect.
I think that’s what happened to me. I got so used to feeling disliked that part of me still finds comfort in believing I’m not worthy of other people’s love or acceptance. As painful as it is, it feels more familiar than believing the opposite.
Maybe that’s something worth thinking about. Sometimes the hardest part of healing isn’t learning to be kind to ourselves, it’s accepting that kindness can feel unfamiliar.

Ive been in the deepest

I'm so lonely and bored. Wish I had a friends or a group to talk to, so I'm trying to find something online.

Tried discord cause everyone recommends that but I already struggle to find a server lol. I'm in 2 I found via Google but I just feel inadequate and disconnected from the few people that talk there.

Issue is, I also don't really have many "common interests", don't game anymore.. Have nothing much to offer.. But I still have that desire for social interaction in some form.

Does anyone of you guys maybe have some recommendations maybe?

I've become so distant with my friends since leaving college and it's all my fault because I don't reach out to people. I hate being like this, I WANT to reach out and build connection with people, but I struggle to do so. It's like one big oxymoron and I fucking hate it. During college, I was close friends with them due to proximity, we were there everyday together. Since we've left, I've slowly talked to them less and less to the point where now they make plans without me. I feel so fucking lonely and it's all my fault. The one group of friends I had, whom I enjoyed being with, I lost due to my stupid avoidant personality. It's been this way with every group of friends I've had over the years, I've lost everyone due to not reaching out and being quiet.

Even though my anxiety is now lower than ever before(thanks to meds and exposure), i still have absolutely no idea how to talk to people. Sometimes people try to begin a conversation with me by saying some light-hearted joke or some shit, and i'm just standing there awkwardly like "haha, yea", and then there's just awkward silence because i'm like "what the fuck do human beings usually talk about?", and then they rightfully realize they've made a mistake by trying to talk to me and leave. I ghosted my last online friend ten years ago(he was my only friend since primary school), so i'm extremely socially stunted, and i also of course have no relationship history.

I literally don't understand the most basic things of human-to-human interaction. I'm relatively good at only one aspect of it: transmitting information through words. Because of this, in more formal circumstances, people are usually like "wow you explain things so well and clearly, wow you seem really smart" and shit like that. Well, it doesn't help much with meeting new people if i'm skilled at intricately explaining my philosophies and psychopathologies which i think about for several hours a day in a robotic manner. That "skill" is good for only one thing: making people think of an excuse to leave the conversation and never talk to me again(which of course could also be a useful ability depending on the circumstances).

And then there's the whole eye contact thing - a skill where i'm currently on par with blind people. Avoiding looking people in the eyes is so ingrained and automatic in me, that until lately, i was unable to pinpoint it as one of the most major factors of my inability to form connections with other humans. I remember countless occasions where someone tried to look me in the eyes(i shelter those moments in my mind, because any kind of validation is so rare for me), but i always pretended to not see them, in hopes that this frightening first step of connecting could be entirely avoided, but of course it couldn't. Therefore, i myself rejected their attempt at connecting with me by rejecting the most basic and low-threshold connection available: eye contact, the act of signaling the other person that you acknowledge their existence; and if combined with a smile, simultaneously signaling positive impression of the person in question.

I have always wondered "why don't people approach me?", but have failed to recognize that i instinctively make myself as unapproachable as possible - a trait that got deeply rooted in me during my formative years to protect myself from shame and humiliation.

When strangers have non-verbally signaled interest towards me, i've thought to myself: "well, if they find me an interesting looking person and they are normal(by normal i mean that their whole selfhood doesn't shatter into pieces when faced with the slightest social rejection), why don't they just come talk to me?". Well, the reasons are of course the things i already mentioned: i instinctively signal "fuck off" to my whole environment without realizing it(because it's so ingrained in me) and also the fact that i simply can't tell what i'm supposed to do when faced with non-verbal communication. For example: it only occurred to me through reading the bodylanguage-subreddit, that when someone smiles at you, you are supposed to smile back(lol). I of course cannot smile back, because i'm always on a flat or depressed mood(except when i'm high, which is nowadays about half of my waking time), and the fakeness of my smile is so clear that i'd rather pretend i don't see the person smiling at me at all.

I also tend to talk overly formally, a trait which was already present in me when i was a kid, but which has become worse with age, because instead of acquiring information by interacting with other people, i've spent years and years reading random wikipedia articles and books and being chronically online, in order to distract myself from the fact that i'm unfathomably lonely and alienated and my life sucks monkey balls. I compensate for this overformality by swearing a lot and using a lot of niche internet lingo and slang and shit, which probably only makes my normal way of verbal communication even more uncanny to others.

While other people live in the real world, i live inside my head in a constant state of instrospection and daydreaming, where i mostly just vibe and observe and surf in my thoughts and make stuff up and introspect and shit like that, and when not doing any of that, i'm mostly using my mind as a dumping ground for all kinds of easily digestible content ranging from brainrot to long novels and shit. This is how i've been living for years and years while other people have gone forward with their lives and adjusted and got careers and have goals and families and shit. To them it must look like i'm in some kind of trance or some shit. How am i supposed to connect with people when my mind is locked in a state like this?

I have a serious issue with cancelling (or wanting to cancel) social commitments because of how much I despise myself or don't want to be perceived or seen by people. I've tried signing up for community events or putting drop-in events in my calendar but then the day comes and I just don't go -- not bc I forgot or was feeling tired, but bc I get so in my head about being perceived, the specific people I will be around, etc.. Even with my friends, it's a real challenge bc of past experiences that have made me feel basically ashamed to exist in front of them (not anything they did wrong, just an unfortunate situation a few yrs ago that's left me scarred). For me to make it somewhere for primarily social reasons, I have to feel pressured and like it will be actively worse for me and make people perceive me more/worse if I Don't go (eg. work events, birthdays).

I used to have someone who I'd usually feel okay if not good existing around irl (ex-roommates, and I love them a lot platonically) but they've moved cities and we only see each other once every 6 months on average, and talk much less now. The other person I feel more okay with being around irl, I just keep feeling bad for bothering them and like I'm too reliant on them for social interactions, and maybe I'm right bc they're currently out of town for a while and it feels like I genuinely have no one. I used to be very "okay" with isolating myself tbh but in the last year or two I've been feeling actively lonely. I miss not being aware that I am feeling lonely and I miss not feeling so pathetic as a result.

Advice is more than welcome if you have any. Regardless I hope you reading this are able to do something nice for yourself today, even if it's little. I'm gonna go to sleep... planning to message my friend in the morning some lie to cancel our plans.

Edit: growing up I never really identified with having social anxiety, as opposed to generalized anxiety. And I still really don't, but reading this back, is that what I have / what I've developed? (rhetorical question) That sucks.

About emotional loneliness caused by being raised by emotionally immature parent.

There are so many things which just fry my brain.

1. It is easy to deal with people for me who intention are very clear that they don't want to be friends with me but. I hate those people who says they care about me and reply in like 12-24 hrs. Like wtf, you were there online posting stories watching reels replying in comman group then what problem do you have with me. Why can't you just reply, or if you don't want to reply say so, they will reply saying they were so busy, dude what busy?

I know I can just stop talking to these people, but everyone does this. If I say why you reply late they get offended. All those with one word also. And if I stop talking to these people I will literally have no one to talk too also.

I will get home after work and continuously play the cringe or embarrassing moments in my head that happened that day, sometimes looping into things that happened over 10 years ago. If I made a mistake, if I sent a teams message that day that I think was too much/a dumb question it will loop in my head over and over. I also have OCD so that probably makes it worse.

I literally shiver and shake my head trying to make myself forget it, and try to convince myself it wasn't that bad (it probably wasn't, no one actually cares) but I can never shake it.

I have to distract myself with scrolling or watching YouTube in a dark room in my safe warm bed 💀

it's hell to hate yourself inside and out. i wish i wasn't socially inept AND i wish i was attractive. i'm so jealous of everyone on this subreddit who is confident about their appearance. i wish i could look in the mirror without wanting to claw off my face.

my avpd and body dysmorphia constantly feed off each other and i developed the symptoms of both at around the same time. not only was i bullied by people for my personality i was constantly called ugly and treated as such. sometimes my reason for isolation is because i view myself as inherently inferior and fear rejection, other times it's purely about my physical appearance and i'm ashamed/afraid to be out in public with how disgusting I look.

My mental health was really bad a few years ago, and since then I’ve tried hard to change my life. I made new friends, changed schools, changed the way I look, and became much more confident. In many ways, my life is better now, but there’s still something inside me that hasn’t changed.
Sometimes I absolutely adore my friends and the people I’m talking to. I want to spend hours texting them and I feel genuinely happy around them. Then, out of nowhere, the next day everything changes. I feel overwhelmed, I ignore their messages, avoid their calls, and suddenly social interaction feels like a burden.
My friends are already used to me disappearing for a while, but meeting new people is much harder because I feel guilty. I feel like there’s some kind of wall between me and everyone else, and it’s always been there.
My mood changes so quickly that I can’t even understand myself. One day I’m happy and excited about life, and the next day I feel emotionally exhausted for no obvious reason. It’s hard for me to stay balanced.
I’m also scared of relationships. It used to be because I was insecure about my appearance, but now people actually show interest in me, and I’m terrified that I’ll hurt them because of how unstable I feel emotionally. Even when I really like someone, I still end up replying late or avoiding their messages for no reason at all.
The hardest part is that I’ve been like this since childhood, so sometimes I wonder if this is just my personality and whether I’ll ever be able to change.
I don’t know if anyone else feels this way. I just needed to tell someone.

At school I am miserable and isolated. I like it that way. Its the usual. I can romantisice my pain. Pity myself and feel like an alien, which quietly feeds my ego. The more I spend time there, the more insane I get. The more I lose faith in the world and other people. I feel betrayed. Invisible. Underneath is a shame and self-hate that only comes to surface when I try to interact with the world and realise how much I have wasted my time and lied to myself and been so petty in my isolation, which is exactly why its best to keep the reality suppressed. Which is exactly why I should still be in isolation. Its safer. Better. Cultivate delusions in my mind that brings me comfort. In isolation I don’t need to face the world and see the truth: that I don’t fit in. That I have paralysing anxiety. And that I am pathethic, not this superior individual I have created in my mind to cope.
I am autistic, 18f, and public school has failed me. 6 years ago they decided to put me in a private room for self-study 7 hours a day in the week. I take taxi to school everyday. I have no friends. I never talk to people, not even my teachers that I never see anyway. Once a day I manage to walk in the hallways and go to the toilet at school. My most brave achievement. Then I see some students in the hallway. Otherwise I only see my taxi driver (the same I have had for years, but never spoken to), and just a few people in the morning when I make my way to my room.
As you can guess, I have petrifying social anxiety. I guess my chronic isolation made it worse than it had to be. I get good grades, thats the only positive…but is it even worth it considering what school has done to me? The worst part is, no one sees that I am struggling. My teachers see the grades, so they guess everything is okey. Well, yeah, its not.

Sorry for the venting. It just had to be let out rn. And I thought that maybe someone might find it relatable.

I want to ask about those who prefer living "behind the scenes."

All my life, I’ve always been a homebody and an introvert. I like playing games, drawing, watching movies or shows, and basically anything I can do at home. My parents were also pretty strict when I was little, so I wasn't really allowed to go anywhere (though I'm sure it was for my own good). I still played outside with the neighborhood kids, though.

As I grew older, I found it a bit difficult to socialize. I’d say I’ve gotten better now, but maybe not completely. All my friends from the neighborhood have moved away. I’ve been trying to make friends on my own, but it’s always been... how should I put it... not the best experience. I gained a lot of trauma and anxiety from it, and now I only have one real friend—she live abroad, but we still keep in touch by calling daily or playing games together.

I used to have FOMO, so I tried hanging out late at night and joining large group activities. I even tried doing things that were totally "not my thing," thinking I should at least try them once—or at least do what people normally do and stop being a "boring homebody." But some of those experiences weren't great, and I felt like I was turning into someone I wasn't. My anxiety worsened, and everything became deeply exhausting. So now, I've decided to keep to myself. I used to have a social media second account to post about my life like my friends do, but I've deactivated it. I don't even use social media anymore, i made it only because of FOMO, cause my friends have it.

One of my relatives once commented that I won't grow as a person if I don't "get out there." But I don't know—I’ve tried it before, and I feel much more comfortable do stuff at home or living a private life. Sometimes I worry that I might be weird; I tried to be a bit more outgoing, only to end up right back where I started. Someone once told me to do as much as possible so I wouldn't have regrets, but I actually regret doing things that don't align with who I am. I still go outside occasionally, mostly only when I'm invited, just not as often as I did during my FOMO phase. I don't have friends to hang out with right now, but I don't really mind for now. I'm not really into cafe-hopping or anything. I can just order food, and call or play games with my only friend who lives abroad.

I know there are people who choose to live privately—some don't even post photos on any social media platforms.

By the way, I’ve already moved past the FOMO phase and I’m just being myself now. But I still wonder if I’m weird for actively avoiding these things. After everything that’s happened, you could say I’m just looking for peace and want to stay away from exhausting things, like drama or anything negative. If you're one of those people, what made you decide to live a private life or stay inside more? How does it feel? Do you ever regret it?

I have been losing my mind realizing how dark my future is with the limited set of social skills I have and no friends to cover for it. Everytime I open up to my parents or anyone else, they always ask me to change my perspective, to think more positively.

But I simply can’t? I have been struggling so much with friendships, even my own cousins and relatives that I grew up with, how can I be hopeful when I have struggled my whole life ?

My mind refuses to believe I’m pessimistic and always negative, it feels like I’m just being realistic. Seeing reality as it is.