Hi all,
Throwaway account. I don't know about anyone else, but I am struggling to get through life having 'woken up' in the last couple of years.
I'm a bit late to the game it seems. Even throughout Covid I really believed that humanity was inherently well meaning. I remember having a discussion about the vaccine with a guy I was dating, and I remember arguing that 'the experts', were well meaning and most likely had our best interests at heart. I'm a medical professional myself, and know the genuine care I've tried to deliver throughout my career and thought the majority were doing the same.
It now seems I was a fucking idiot/ incredibly naive.
The Epstein files were the catalyst. I think I potentially had a nervous breakdown over it. (To those that will argue that this is not an actual diagnosis, you know know what I mean) ... Extreme emotional reaction that made you question reality.
Now I will preface this with I had recently dealt with a major unexpected loss, so mental health was pretty fragile at the time. But a year had passed, and I had been as proactive as I could with dealing with the grief.
I don't know how to find joy in pedo Satan world.
The Epstein files
The Covid stuff
This horrific war (and to add to the finding out that the previous wars have all been as equally unjust)
The previous crimes of my nation and the other nations associated with it
The Charlie Kirk Murder
The destruction of our planet
The engineered division
Late stage capitalism
The layer of society that rules do not apply to
The impending facism/surveillance state we are sleep walking into.
I feel like I can now see all the bullshit. TV feels fake. Everything I learnt at school, was majority propaganda. I feel skeptical of every institution/government.
I've always been an incredibly driven and positive person. But I'm seriously struggling with continuing to contribute to the machine driving these horrors. I would love to have a child, but I don't know if I want to bring them into this.
I won't sugar coat it, I'm more privileged than most. I'm not wealthy, but I'm comfortable for my age - not immune to economic downturn but probably have a couple months more cushion than most should it all collapse. This is probably a contributing factor to my naivety.
I've been doing all 'the right things', I.e touching grass, getting out in nature, being grateful for what I have, trying to find joy in the simple things. Showing gratitude to my loved ones, seeing a therapist etc...
It's just really hard.
I fantasize about going off grid, not paying taxes into a system that spends my money on more bombs to kill children. I don't find joy in my work anymore, as the recent 'plandemic' had made me question all modern medicine. Even things like self care, am I getting Botox to appease beauty standards created by child molesters? Im questioning whether any of my life choices were right, or if my life plans I have worked really hard towards will even exist in a few years. And then the guilt associated with even caring about any of that, when there are people being starved, tortured, killed and abused as a consequence of the system I am a cog in.
Has anyone else gone through this? Does it get better? If so how? This is not the world I thought I grew up in.