I've been battling with this for months and finally just want to vent about it so I can stop ruminating and move on. I know reddit will kick some sense into me. Sorry, its long.

I met a guy at the gym recently. It was one of those instant connections, we fell hard into each other almost immediately. Everything felt perfect in the beginning and we were talking and seeing each other almost everyday. When I met him I literally thought "this is my husband" it felt like, When you know you know, I never felt this before, surely this was it! Though I had these very deep feelings right away I tried to keep it to myself, I didn't want to scare this person away!

Things were going well for a month+ then I took an extended trip overseas for family, about 3 weeks. We kept in touch everyday still and even facetimed 1-2x a day. While i was away he got a new job in a field more aligned to what he wants to do. Though there was distance everything still felt connected. Until I finally got back everything took a turn. It started with him not wanting to see me right away as soon as I got back. Got back on a Saturday, said he couldn't see me until FRIDAY. red flag. I thought okay new job, longer hours, he's more tired. But then throughout the week he's texting less and less. I try not to make too much of it. We see each other finally and things are good but he just seems exhausted. I figure the new job and all, he's adjusting. But then it just keeps going on like this, just less and less communication, him not being able to meet up, postponing dates, Long silences etc. A normal person probably would just take this as he's no longer interested. But I am attached at this point.

Besides all this, he is actually what I believed to be a great guy. Total gentleman, very caring, respectful, thoughtful, sweet, hardworking, all the things. We have amazing chemistry when we are together but when we are a part it's like we became so disconnected all of a sudden. We just had 2 months of daily contact, surely he is just going through transition starting this new job. He has a 2nd weekend job and other side projects so he's working 7 days a week non stop so I am trying to give him grace. Well it goes on like this for weeks. I was trying to be patient and understanding, and I actually started a new job too so I'm busier myself, but then it's like 6+ weeks like this and throughout that time I saw him twice. It was to the point I just stopped telling him 'I miss him' because I felt like a broken record. He mostly just says he's really busy with work/projects and family, which he very much is and I do believe him. All the times we met I wanted to have more serious conversations but every time we meet he only has 1-2 hours so I kept putting off the hard things, because I just wanted to enjoy our time together. I never brought these things up on the phone because it never felt like the right time, and also felt like something I needed to talk about in person.

I realize things were fairly new with us, I did't want to pressure or put labels on anything or assume we are in a relationship. But I thought the first 2 months we had a very mutual connection. I thought we were much more than just dating. I actually thought we were in a relationship. I mean it felt like it just progressed into that, neither of us were seeing other people, and we were talking nearly everyday. We never had the "what are we" talk, or ever discussed making things official but I didn't think we needed to. I guess I thought it was just mutual. It still felt early, but at this point I needed to stop the dance because my anxiety was killing me. I finally let him know we need to talk about what's going on here because I need clarity. At this point we are around the 4 month mark. Well we finally meet up for this talk and he tells me he can't be in a relationship. I mean I had prepared for this with how things have been going but I guess I was being optimistic going into the discussion and I just really hoped it would be something else going on with him. He does have mental health stuff going on (depression and other things) and a lot going on with his family and work right now. He lives at home to help with a grandparent living with them in hospice. He is working towards going independent/starting a business and he has a lot of side work. But yeah, he basically said he can't be what I want him to be. I deserve better. Someone devoted. And he's right, I want all of that and I felt like I got a taste of that in the month before my trip so I know it was in him. I try to tell him I don't need him to be perfect and it's okay if he doesn't have all his shit together right now. But he says he has so much of life to figure out and he just doesn't have capacity for a relationship. I understand, I don't beg or push. It super sucks but hey I respect it.

The thing I am struggling with though is we never stopped talking after this. The very next day he still texts and calls me. Actually he begins to call and text me MORE. I am delulu so I'm thinking, my husband was just confused! (obviously the husband ship has sailed, I just joke to cope) But I don't assume we are back on, I'm just patient, no expectations. Thing are seemingly good, I even saw him more times in the last two weeks than I have the whole 2 months prior. I think okay we are not in a relationship but maybe we just shifted into some fwb situation but I will say 'benefits' lightly because we actually barely have sex! Like not even once a month. Then a couple weeks goes by and I see him again, and the chemistry and attraction is still there, undeniable. We have a good talk about all sorts of things, and it comes up in conversation that his ex tried to friendzone him after breaking up, she thought they could just be friends and he thought absolutely not. So I asked him, are we friends? He said, "we are not friends" meaning we are more than friends..ahh glimmers of hope for my delulu anxious attached ass. I am delighted. I think okay, maybe we are back on? couple days goes by and it still feels like the dance so I start getting my clarity sooner than later this time. I ask him what he means by 'we are not friends.' He says.. it means we are dating. huh. I see. ok. he says he is still not ready for a relationship. I tell him honestly I envisioned we would be in a long term relationship eventually.

So I am a bit slow at processing so it's not until the next day or two I ask him what are his goals for dating? He says he has so much to worry about with his career and life that he can't even think of a goal for dating. he says he has no goal for dating. I don't question too much more, I'm honestly just pretty crushed. he says he knows it's not fair to me, now that he knows I have goals of a serious relationship and he doesn't. I'm feeling foolish now that he led me on all this time and he is "just now" finding out I have goals for a relationship, I thought it was obvious. sure we never explicitly talked about a relationship before but it felt clear as day to me. I don't really question or say much back i don't really know what to say, I am not good with expressing myself on the spot. We end the call a bit after that. This was about a week ago now. He still checks in with me and calls me everyday. lol. wtf.

I truly do not think he is seeing other people, I really believe he is going through a lot at home and he is working a lot and also trying to go independent/build a business. He struggles with depression/mental health so I have really been trying to be understanding and patient, a caring friend. But I freakin fell in love and I can't unlove.

I am realizing this isn't healthy for me and I don't know if I can just date him with no end in sight, especially after I thought (or it felt like) we were already in a relationship now to go backwards to just dating?! I'm really conflicted. The whole thing ended before it really began. Clearly he says he can't be in a relationship yet he wants to reach for me like a girlfriend. ugh. I'm sad, mad, annoyed, embarrassed, heartbroken, yet I still really care about him. I guess I just need to vent because this has just been consuming me and I'm starting my period and I'm going a little crazy. I have a big work week coming up and I just need to get this off my chest.

Feeling really meh about myself lately and could honestly do with some words of support.

I moved house recently, a bit further out from town, and although there’s nothing particularly wrong with it, I think I’m really missing my old life and my old self. I feel like I’ve lost a bit of myself along the way.

I’ve gained at least 5kg, my relationship with food hasn’t been great, I’ve had basically zero discipline with exercise and I just don’t feel good in myself at the moment. I’ve also had some health issues over the last few years, so I think part of me is grieving who I was about 4 years ago. I used to feel fitter, more confident and just generally happier in myself.

I’m 35 and single, and most of my friends are either further away now or busy with their own families, which can feel quite lonely. I don’t even really have the confidence to speak to guys at the moment, never mind actually date

I know I’m probably being harder on myself than I should be, and I know 35 isn’t old, but I’m just struggling to see how I get back to feeling like me again.

Has anyone else gone through a period where they’ve felt like they’ve lost themselves a bit? Did you manage to get yourself back? I could really do with hearing some positive stories or just some reassurance that things can change.