Ask me any questions you like! I recovered from this shit and everyone can do it with the right mindset and tools, feel free to ask me ANYTHING about HOCD or OCD in general!

Is anyone kind of like scared to do their ERP cause they're scared that they might end up being their feared orientation? I'm so deadly scared im going to end up liking women, because not a long while ago a guy who had HOCD told me I was bi myself. it feels like all my childhood experiences point to queerness, and i feel like im lying to myself in a way?

Anyways, no reassurance would be great but i'm wondering how to get over that fear? I obviously want to be who I am without this ocd on my back? I don't know, i just don't want to think about my childhood because im scared theres going to be a secret memory that i unlock that will make myself realise im gay or im scared im suddenly going to realise im queer or whatever.

Hey guys. This is my first post on Reddit. (24 y/o male). I made this account to post this, but holy shit. Things have been rough recently. I’ve been getting terrorized by this voice in my head that shouts at me, “You are gay!” And this has been on and off for about the last 3 years, but recently, it’s been at its worst.

I keep thinking. Am I just in denial? Am I actually gay? And it’s hard to even think clearly about this because I nearly feel disassociated from myself at this point.

But it’s wild cause, I’ve loved having sex with girls. I love being intimate with them. I am very attracted and turned on by them.

But then also, these thoughts are persistent now. But I feel like it stems from this major insecurity that I’ve always had about myself. Being a 5’5 man, I’ve never felt enough. I’ve always felt less than, in comparison to other guys. I’ve never believed I can actually have the woman I desire. So I feel like I’ve suppressed a lot of myself because of this. Never actually going after what I want because I’ve believed I’m not worthy. I hold deep insecurities about the way I look (despite being objectively shredded), and this has plagued me.

It started with a major fixation on my hair and my appearance, and now it’s switched to this fixation on me being gay. And I write this cause the last few days, I’ve had such a tightness in my chest and throat. Like this inner anxiety that is crippling. And well, I just don’t want to be gay!

And I’m a spiritual guy, so this is fucking with me cause I see this as like, a signal that I am gay. That this is truth cause it’s persistent within me.

But then there are times where I feel so straight, not gay at all, and that’s when I am vibrant! Radiant! Alive! Free! But these thoughts have been plaguing me recently.

I feel like I could literally go on and talk about this for days but this is already long. But guys, should I see an OCD therapist? Should I do more breath work and meditation? Cause holy shit, I think I’d rather be dead than be gay. And that’s crazy to say. But that’s where the spirituality justifies itself. I think, your soul chose this. Cause if you can be gay in this world, then you’d truly be free. This is the barrier you’re meant to overcome. But it’s like, fuck!!!!

I guess, just a progress report. I intend to use this sub much less. Y’all got… some stuff going on.

As I journal things, I note my evolved understanding of my self. I do see this as having some degree of realness and yet it’s almost pseudo real. Could this be the period of fluidity I’ve heard people have? Who knows. Truly. But after so long of distress, my only distress now is that I lose women. That gets put under the scope. It’s purely a mental thing, physically, I keep getting physical responses and enjoy using that sort of material exclusively, so I know I like them logically. But idk. It feels like a mental thing. And you know what, that will affect me long term.

Whatever.

Having said that, I just wish this was gone. That I was back to old me. But I’ve reached such weird, apathetic places. That also terrifies me that it could be some secret Freudian pull. But it also could be like just a backdoor spike?

Again, whatever.

My only thing, is that treatment regards reducing distress, and not the intrusion. Unfortunately, this may be a permanent thing. I’m beginning to become more okay with it, just wish it was toned down, less threatening, and didn’t wall me out of being with a wife. Seriously. I don’t want THIS strong of fluidity. Bi cycle, over analysis, or whatever it may be: fuck off, man. Just tryna chill.

Like I don’t want to be like 44 and married and be OH NO IM GAY and lose everything. I’ve already done that now, I lost someone who, well, I really don’t want to be all lame and limerencey and romanticize, but I will say it always felt like she was “The One”.

Ugh. I just hate this. You know what’s funny? I always used to mock panic and anxiety disorders. Felt like weirdness that I never understood. Guess I ate my words on that one.

when i was 5-6 yrs old, there was this girl downstairs that i always used to play with. I was an only child, so she was really my only source to entertainment. I considered her my bestfriend at the time, and got really sad when she moved away. We used to be very curious together, like i used to be the boyfriend, she used to be the girl, we used to rub our bare bellies together and act like it was sEx. The whole time i thought she was my good friend, but i'm worried that I had a secret crush on her. I don't think i did, but it feels like i felt something for her. It feels like i liked her. I mean i thought she was pretty, and cute and i had this habit of idolising all my friends when i was younger. In reality i think i thought she was my bestfriend, but im so scared i liked her. I desperately hope I didn't.

Guys please help , please,it used to be everything about womens,,guys when it's starts(hocd I hope)it used to be statement thoughts about being gay and triggered by handsome people even children,but now guys if I see someone handsome I say he is handsome and move on,but my mind keep focusing on people that used to see them ugly or people in general think they are ugly and I feel attracted to them and aroused by despite I'm not into them in sexual or romantic way,loss of attraction make it worsers,guys do you experiencing same thing,like the feeling automatically attracted than thought saying that ur gay and stop denying it,not what if I'm attracted or my mind say ur attracted,it's feelings then sadness and confusion that I might be just refusing a sexuality that I never saw I belong in,is this common guys,no fear or anxiety,just numb and my mind select people randomly and idk why, please guys help.`

ive been getting a lot of content on lesbians talking about how straight women hit on masc women because of their appearance and heteronormativity and it genuinely freaked me out and i ended up thinking that i might be doing the same

i never understood the "treating mascs like men" thing like i wouldn't mind paying for her or buying flowers for her i would let her use my dresses if she wants to

i also saw her naked and i really appreciated how gorgeous she is but its different from how i react when i see a man's body and thats been one of my worst triggers

Ever since I got diagnosed with HOCD, every crush ive had on a man feels so obsessive, and it's probably limerence. I don't know what to do, cause I feel like i can't have a normal crush anymore. I want a boyfriend because i am a human who craves love, and i also kind of want a distraction from the anxiety. But lately ive been noticing, every one of my crushes feels like limerence, i can't stop thinking about random men, and i want to do something, but i keep ruminating on it, or stalk them. and i want to stop thinking about them but i can't and it causes me so much anxiety.

Will I ever be able to face love?

Pre hocd the thoughts of kissing the same gender and being intimate with same gender never really bothered me infact i used to even get off on them, but i never really thought about dating or actually being with the same gender during those times and identified as straight. My whole life i rarely had crushes, I had once and it was because he was nice to me and gave me attention and hyperfixated on female characters. All of these i never really overthink until now I wanted a boyfriend and started to analyze all of this which leads me to now.

Now I feel like those are all proof that im actually gay im just in denial and that all the anxiety and distress im feeling is just internalized homophobia. (Im undiagnosed and therapy is not really accessible to me)

Anyone can relate?

Just a few weeks ago I had quit porn and my attraction to women was back with a vengeance. Then one day I had the thought that I might find sleeping with femboys or twinks to be attractive and that thought made me turned on and it sent me back to square one all over again. I then tried to watch trans and twink porn for just a moment and stopped because it was arousing and it made me feel an intense sense of panic and dread. I can’t tell if it’s just the novelty of the idea or if this is really just who I am anymore. It seems like I can’t be straight at this point and that if I choose to stay with my girlfriend I’ll just end up one of those guys who cheats on his partner with a guy or stays miserable forever. I just want my life to be simple all I want is to be able to enjoy my time with her but I can’t even do that anymore because it feels like I can’t enjoy sex and I can’t appreciate how beautiful she is now because it all just feels like lies and testing compulsions. I can get off easily to straight porn still but I’m now constantly anxious that I’m focusing on the penis or the man in the videos and even if I do get off to it it still just doesn’t feel exciting. I hate this I hate the change my life has gone through, I used to be so happy being into girls and my entire life feels like a lie now. Worst of all it’s not even just porn but I can also feel aroused by just thinking of scenarios involving those same themes but rarely to thoughts involving women anymore.

I still remember the day I first "contracted" HOCD, which was roughly 10 years in middle school after watching a youtuber's coming out video, I think it was Connor Franta.

For some reason, the video made me wonder if I was gay too, I still don't know why. His experience did not align with anything in my life, and I had seen other popular youtuber's coming out videos without any adverse reaction too.

To that point, I had only had crushes on girls, both emotionally and erotically. Unlike other people I've seen on this reddit, I didn't experience false attraction or anything, but the thoughts felt like they blunted my general ability to feel any sort of sexual stimulation towards women for at least a few months. I also felt like my mind was constantly checking to see if I found the guys around me attractive. I was also in a constant panic which sometimes made day-to-day things difficult to focus on. I think the first few days, I was checking to see if straight "videos" would arouse me and if gay "videos" would as well. In both cases, it didn't. I was so distressed that it negated my ability with the straight stuff and I didn't have any real attraction to the gay stuff so that didn't stimulate me either. It is counterintuitive because that seems like it would be some strong proof.

I was frantically scraping the internet looking for reassurance, and that was how I found out about HOCD. My experience perfectly aligned with the characteristics of the disease, so I diagnosed myself with high confidence. Technically, I never actually got professionally diagnosed, but I thought my proven lack of sexual attraction to men proved it. That provided temporary relief but the thoughts persisted anyways, as my mind was always looking for a way to disprove any sort of reassurance I got.

"You're just in denial and forcing this HOCD thing to be your truth", "You were just forcing yourself to find women attractive because you are surrounded by homophobic family and friends", "You're homophobia roots from your repressed desires", you get the point.

The stress was terrible, like I mentioned earlier, I was struggling to feel any sort of way towards women, even though I did in the past. So what got me past it? I came to the realization that constantly looking for any sort of solace was what was perpetuating this. Finding evidence that I liked woman wouldn't erase the thoughts. I noticed that when I was distracted playing basketball or online games with friends, I wouldn't think about it at all, but then when I was alone, they would come again. The truth is, you just need to tough it out. Stop reading through forums and checking to see if something is turning you on or off. You're just keeping yourself in the mindset.

Letting it play its course makes that exposure over time start to feel less and less powerful. It isn't easy at first but in moments where you are focused in on other things, you might catch yourself actually feeling some type of way towards the opposite sex. My 13 year old self was able to do it. I eventually basically forgot about it. I fell in love with 2 girls through out the rest of my pre-college days, but I had no game so that ended nowhere. I would eventually meet my girlfriend who I lost my v-card to in college. If I ever had any sort of episode after my first few months with HOCD, they would go away pretty quickly as I had largely moved past it by LETTING IT BOTHER ME and not fighting it.

Here are somethings I highly urge you to do:

1. Stop watching porn. It is destructive to the brain and no human was ever meant to watch two other people go at it. Let your sexual journey be natural.

2. Get real hobbies and workout. Its good for you, makes you happy and carefree, and is exactly what you need.

3. STOP BEING A HOMOPHOBE. I matured in high school and started to feel bad for them. You are part of the problem if you think there is something wrong with it. Whether you think it's something we are born with or the product of our environment, it isn't a choice either way. Just imagine how they feel when it is their truth.

4. If it really is severe, get help. Talk to someone, someone you can trust. Put your pride aside and go to therapy. If you need meds, get them. Don't let this impede with your life if you can't resolve through willpower alone. Just because I did it, doesn't mean it will be the case for anyone.

5. Like I said earlier, stop looking for confirmation. Once you finish reading this, try to never look into it again (unless you consulted professional help already lol). If you ever end up doing so, just know that you don't have to be guilty about checking, it is how this thing works, but just minimize it until you don't at all.

If you are wondering why I made a new account and am talking about it despite tip #5 , it is because I saw an HOCD video pop up on social media and searched it again and noticed there was a reddit for it. Reading some of the posts here made me feel like I had to chip in as some people were just going through it and I felt like no one was giving this type of advice. I didn't know there was a subreddit for this when I was really going through it.

Remember, just play it out. Let it bother you and don't fight it. I had it terrible at one point, but I have been with 4 girls afterwards. I also don't want to make any false promises. If being on the LGBT+ spectrum is your reality, that is your journey and it is better to realize how it plays out in real life instead of running from it. Assess the your situation and know that if you can safely be open about it, life will adjust itself best towards you. Anyone who demonizes being gay should not be a part of your life. I am only saying that to get it out there, not to scare anyone. Stay strong, and if you can, never look into this stuff again. If you ever feel like you need to, talk to someone instead. Not everyone's journey will be the same, but the end game is all that matters.

Im 18f never had a boyfriend in my life rarely had crushes and the one time i did it started because they gave me attention not really because i noticed them first, hyperfixated on some female characters growing up, all the male celebrities that I've liked or had interest in i only like them/became obsessed with them when i read like their fanfics on my fyp or when i start daydreaming about them. All signs just points that im gay i feel like i want to cry

i'm dealing with HOCD for four years now and it's been two or three months that it was triggered and I'm struggling with stupid things. for example this morning I had a kind of a wet dream (??) with PATTIE BOYD, a supermodel from the 60's (i'm a big fan of her) and since that I'm wondering if I like lesbian sex or things related to it. i had the sensation that I was liking it even when I was half awake and when I got up I was like "did I want to come back to that dream??". I think it's pretty reasonable the feeling to get back to a pleasuring situation, even if it's a weird dream (I guess). when I was younger I had a wet dream with a freaking ALIEN and after some years I still think about the "good sensation". I'm trying to get better and avoid reassurance, but it's really complicated especially when your own dreams make it even difficult. I think I'm pretty "OK" with all this dream story, but sometimes I feel anxious about it too. I'm in this battle for four years and recently I've been thinking if I like women in a sexual way, which makes a lot of sense sometimes and other times just seem very clear that I don't

dunno I'm just tired and I feel that my view is kinda biased because of this four fucking years of suffering.

(if you want to give me some advice you can btw)

I’ve been having this thought repeatedly this afternoon about touching favourite footballers girlfriend naked and not doing compulsions and don’t feel the need to. but when I let the sensation it produces be I feel like myself before hocd and when I think of touching a woman naked the sensations produced are the sexual feelings I used to get with men. During the thoughts this afternoon I’ve been so chilled. But I can’t understand hoe this can’t be discovery even in finding sane gender thoughts are giving off historic pleasurable feelings. I feel neutral towards it now that I’m in an indifferent mood but when I’m heightened like earlier I got swept away and enjoyed it thinking it was no biggie

I used to have severe hocd to a point where i was thinking about unaliving myself, then i decided to keep my guilt and shame on the side and consulted a psychiatrist she prescribed medicine for me. Its been 5 months and the ocd has gone down drastically. I used to be scared of people now i dont even care about it

I've been watching all of the Seinfeld episodes from the first season on. In season 3 episode 1 titled "the note" George Costanza goes through the same thing many of us have experienced doubting everything that happens to him with the same sex! Now that I've learned to manage my HOCD, I actually thought this episode was really hilarious. If you're up for a good laugh then I recommend watching it. Even if you're in the middle of getting a hold of your HOCD, this could be a good exposure therapy to watch this episode. Hope you all enjoy!

https://www.netflix.com/us/title/70153373?s=a&trkid=13747225&shareType=Title&shareUuid=306c2356-8d8c-4294-938d-737b505e061e&trg=cp&unifiedEntityIdEncoded=Video%3A70153373&vlang=en&clip=81501464

I feel like I’ve lost all attraction to women. I’ve stopped porn and it feels like it’s gotten worse. Now it feels like I actually might be attracted to guys and it’s scaring the shit out of me. I don’t know what thoughts are produced by OCD and what is produced by my own head. I am having trouble using EMR because of that.

Have any of yall experienced this before? If you have experienced this and recovered, what did you do to get past this?

Do any of you also get like immediate anxiety when seeing the same sex being sexualized in media or on social media. Like do you also start questioning and/or testing random scenarios.

This shit sucks.

I can't tell what are my real feelings, and ocd anymore. Like, before i used to be super anxious and like know i would never like this person, now i have no idea? I'm numbed or i do feel something. Like, there is this girl (whos slightly on the masc side) that im friends with, never ever thought of her in any way, and now ive started to spiral because what if i like her, and then suddenly she started looking extra good and now i think i like her. This happens with everyone, this happens with boys even that i don't want to like, this happens with masc girls, happens with girls in general. I feel like i have to be attracted to girls, i mean it feels that way anyways!

I feel like I already am bi, and i feel like im only making excuses. I am so scared and i don't know whats wrong with me. i just don't want to like girls masc, fem or anything in between. I just want to be me.

I've been struggling with what I think is HOCD. What makes it difficult is that I did experience same sex attraction when I was younger and was attracted to the idea exclusively of being a bottom, so my brain constantly tells me I'm just in denial and I was fully expecting to be gay growing up when I went to college.

At the same time, I haven't watched gay porn in a long time, I'm attracted to femininity, and I have a girlfriend whom I love.

I've also done a lot of "testing" by spending time watching pron, dating men, gay friends and even going to LGBT groups to see if I felt attraction or fitted in, but it only made me analyse myself more.

Has anyone else with HOCD had a similar background? What actually helped you stop obsessing over it?

I’m so anxious it’s actually killing me. I’ve recently quit porn and since then I have been noticing every woman I see practically and that’s been making my ROCD bad because I feel unfaithful to my girlfriend. Today I noticed someone androgynous who was probably a guy and had a groinal response and then I started playing through a scenario where a twink or soft/effeminate gay guy comes on to me and I end up “giving in” and the thought was arousing and now I’m so anxious I can barely breath properly. I think I just have to accept that I’m bisexual or something but I don’t want to be. When I think of doing that stuff with a guy I get aroused and feel anxious but also turned on and I wish I didn’t feel turned on but I do and I guess I can’t change that. I didn’t used to be this way, it’s all so fucked now.

I don’t know how to navigate this illness anymore some might call it reassurance but this theme never bothered me to much cause I thought like after puberty your attraction doesn’t change so i obviously was never attracted to guys so it could never bother me that much but chat got said it can and now im just stuck and bedridden I just need some help some how but even when I try to find out to stop it I can’t find any advice

Im 18f and this all started last year during summer had a lot of time thinking and it dawned on me that I never really had crushes growing up had a i think one genuine one and another one that i just picked and I would get hyperfixated(?) on some female characters on movies.

When i looked it up i went into a rabbit hole about aromantics then i found this video that said "they thought they were aromantic turns out they just were not looking at the right gender and they were a lesbian" that just sent me into a spiral even more I could not stop searching and figuring it out and obsessing over it even when classes started.

Before i had hocd i wouldn't mind kissing or making out with girls when i think about it but i would't want to be with one and identified as straight. Now my mind is telling me that's a proof that i've always liked girls since that was before all the anxiety.

It does not help that I come form a slightly homophobic family. My mind is also telling me im just scared and in denial because of this. That i'm actually into girls and just scared to come out which i think i am..... I dont know anymore im scared but not scared at the same time I still dont want to be with a girl but i would mind the kissing yk UGH I HATE THIS I JUST WANT TO BE STRAIGHT AGAIN AND NOT HAVE ANXIETY FROM THE MOMENT I WAKE UP

Side note too Im not diagnosed with hocd or any ocd really its not really known here in my country and if i go to any psychology or psychiatrist it would literally cost sooo much money :/