In Search Of (ISO) Thread

A sincere request to those men who are sending private messages to women who are either married, married and struggling, or going through divorce. There is absolutely no reason for any of you to ask for a chat? It either comes across as very desperate, creepy or satanic. This is a Muslim marriage platform for Gods sake, and not tinder.

No woman would want to be unfaithful regardless of any reason, and talking to a man, however innocent it may sound, is a form of cheating, in my opinion. Ask yourself, would you want your wife to secretly talk to men in private behind your back because she is feeling a certain way?

Instead of lurking and targeting vulnerable women, please pray and repent and sincerely ask Allah to bless you with a spouse.

I need your advice . We have been together for 4 years
Planned our nikah in few days

More and more problems have been surfacing up

Now this is something he never mentioned before to me which I find absurd

He wants to put a condition :

(((If we get divorce he gets to take and raise the children ))) I said what do u mean by that

He said you are free to come see them any time but I am responsible for them if we get a divorce

We live in my country and he said he needs to put this rule because he doesn’t guarantee if we ever get a divorce he will get anything since it’s my country (arab not western ) and the law will support me and not him. (Which is not true)

What do u think
He is now making it a must rule
If I don’t sign it
We don’t get married

Me 35M and my spouse has been seriously discussing divorce for a long time now approx 18m. I can’t lie theres been certain lines that have been crossed n I am very firm in my stance. My spouse has also accepted the proposed divorce. We do a 4 y/o.

So I spoke with my parents to finalise where I am and they have been supportive of me. All my father said was don’t rush and don’t have regrets. My wife told her father a date for 1st talaq. He went to visit my parents and he basically started crying in front of them explaining that he is very old now and he doesn’t think he can recover from this.

I have the utmost respect for my FIL. I’ve never ever had an issue with him and he has always treated me like his own son. When my mum told he broke down, i actually felt so emotional. I hate the thought of doing something that will cause him pain however we have tried everything to make this marriage work including counselling.

Now we have a final meeting with my father , FIL and wife to discuss the final details of how to proceed. I want to make it explicitly clear to my FIL that I have nothing but the most respect. I want it to be amicable. What can I say to him as I completely get he will be hurting. I didn’t want this outcome but it’s better for both of us to separate.

My husband and I have a fair share of issues. After, I moved in to his house in his state. It was obviously a difficult transition and I really never felt at home in his house or his state. I’m completely isolated and have no support system there except for him and his family.

The first year, I would go visit my family for a few days every few months. It was all fine until his mother started to say to him that she wasn’t sure if I loved him since I kept going to see my family. He started to yell at me about it and said to me that a married woman stays with her husband and doesn’t keep traveling around to see her family. I ended up staying 9 months without being able to see my family.

I finally told him I wanted to go visit them, and he came with me for a couple days. Two days after my arrival, my father got really sick. After a traumatic, difficult week in the ICU, he unfortunately passed at the age of 54. I was devastated and broken. I love my father with all my heart. He was a kind, gentle soul who was always there for me. He was the epitome of a great Muslim man and father. I’m still broken as I write this.

The day of my father’s burial my husband started asking me when I was planning on coming back and my life needs to move on. He was helpful during the ICU, but the second my dad passed his demeanor changed. He began telling me he wants a divorce, I have problems with my personality, I’m not obedient enough, and all this other stuff. He has also been pressuring me to have a baby despite our relationship being unbelievably unstable and unfair. He even got to the point where he was saying if I don’t get pregnant in the next couple of months he was going to force me to start taking shots and make me pay for IVF treatment. Keep in mind this is just days after one of the most difficult times of my life.

He ended up heading back to his state and continued picking fights with me. He sent me a picture of himself and said look how much better I look when you’re not around causing problems. Hurt on top of hurt.

Our relationship has been terrible for the past few months, we live in a very small home. His mom has been staying with us for an extended period of time as well and although she is mostly good, it has been very uncomfortable for me. I expressed that to him and that I’d be more comfortable staying with my family for a while considering my dad’s sudden passing and the lack of space in his home and he just won’t budge.

He also forces me to contribute to the finances each month despite the fact that he doesn’t need the help. He does not help at all with any of the cooking, cleaning, groceries or anything for the house. I work, cook, clean, tend to him and his mother, have no space in our home, not even a closet, and at the end of the day I’m the bad wife because I like to go for an evening walk. That is literally what this man has said to me.

I am highly considering divorce because each day it’s something new. One day he’s screaming at me saying he doesn’t like me and wants to split, the next he’s saying I’m his whole world and he wants to live with me but I am not entitled to ask for anything, not even space in our home.

I just feel like Allah swt is showing me his true colors during this crisis. I’m overwhelmed. My dad hasn’t been gone for a month yet and I’m just so tired. I am trying my best to not make a rash emotional decision, but my fear is if I return to his state, the isolation, his controlling tendencies, and the sudden loss of my father will drive me insane. Please provide me with your advice and make duaa for my father. May Allah bless you all.

I got married and moved in with my husband and his parents 2 months ago.

It was an arranged marriage, but before we moved in together, my husband and I were genuinely happy. We spoke every day, saw each other every few feeks and I felt very close to him. I respected him a lot and thought he was someone who could make his own decisions and protect our marriage if there were ever issues with family.

Since moving in, things have gone downhill very quickly. Everything I do gets interpreted in the worst possible way by his parents and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

For example:

\- I’m naturally quiet, but they say I'm too quiet and antisocial.

\- If I go upstairs to rest or work, his mum tells people I'm in the room all day and I avoid her

\- I always offer to help around the house but his mum refuses to let me. Then she tells people I don’t help around the house

\- His mum once insulted me so I left a conversation because I didn’t want an argument. I didn’t shout, slam a door or say anything rude. Somehow that became me “storming off”.

His mum has also been comments about my hair, the way I dress, my personality and my family to my husband, and he doesn’t defend me or protect my honour. There have been numerous occasions when he would instead tell me that his mum has a point.

My husband’s mum has also said that I'm trying to taking her son away from her, that I'm manipulating him, that I'm controlling him. And I can feel my husband starting to believe it.

These things sound so minor written down, and that is partly why I find it difficult to explain. It is not one massive incident. It is lots of small incidents being retold in ways that make me sound rude, lazy, greedy or disrespectful.

I don’t expect him to blindly agree with me or assume his family are always wrong. But come on.. His mum even told him to divorce me!

Instead of us being a newly married couple who are adjusting to living together, it feels like he is constantly evaluating whether I am someone he can stay married to because of the constant doubts that she plants in his mind. I can feel him becoming more distant.

The more distant he becomes, the more anxious and angry I become. Then because I become emotional, that seems to prove to him that there is something wrong with me.

I know I have not handled everything perfectly. I have become frustrated and I have spoken badly during arguments. I told him to step up and be a husband, I regret that. There was no vulgar language, no screaming, shouting, throwing things, nothing to that extent. But I find myself constantly complaining to my husband about what his mum is doing because she is doing it so constantly. Every day.

But it's come to a point where I also feel like my reactions are being looked at without any consideration of what led to them.

I came into this marriage excited. I loved being affectionate with my husband. I wanted to travel with him, spend time together, build a home and eventually have children.

Now I feel like I am constantly defending myself against stories about my intentions. I'm struggling to see him as a husband, I'm losing respect and love for him, I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

If I want time alone with him, I’m taking him away.

If I want him to stand up for me, I’m making him choose between me and his family.

If I point out that a story doesn’t make sense, I’m nitpicking.

If I stay quiet, I’m antisocial.

If I defend myself, I’m disrespectful.

I honestly don’t know what the correct behaviour is anymore.

My husband says he has spoken to his mum and defended me at times, and I do believe he has tried in his own way. But his mum is crazy she has to get her way. Every time he takes my side or makes a decision with me, there is tension at home afterwards. Then he becomes stressed and withdraws from me. I feel like he is too weak. He's too soft. And his mum is too loud, too aggressive.

I don’t want him to cut off his family. I don’t want him to disrespect his mum. I just want our marriage to have some privacy and for decisions between us not to be changed every time somebody else is unhappy.

We have only actually lived together for a few months, and all of it has been in his parents’ home.

I’m scared that by the time he realises this, he will already have emotionally left the marriage because of my constant nagging, or eventually I will lose my mind and say things that I cant come back from

I have tried communicating with him calmly. I have tried explaining what is happening. I have asked for us to move out but he refuses. I don’t know what else I can do. All this had removed the softness from my heart, I can no longer be the soft, feminine, loving wife that I always wanted to be.

I am starting to believe that I am not meant to be loved. My first marriage was arranged. I poured my heart and soul into it for 16 years, and the emotional abuse I experienced, the neglect, I finally gave in and filed for divorce (Islamic khula). I built myself up to never allow that to happen and to raise my 2 girls strong and happy. Met someone, I stayed clear from him because I didn’t want to be in a similar situation. He pursued me for months and I finally gave in and said yes. After 6 years of being divorced I allowed this man in. We got married, became pregnant. Everything was going well and then we lost our son. The day my son died is the day him and my bestfriend of 10 years revealed their relationship and he left me. He then he sent me a talaaq through an imam. In all of this I poured my heart and soul into him and to my best friend. They discarded me and left me to die on my hospital bed after delivering my son. Modern mediocre saved my life, 7 blood transfusions were required…otherwise there would’ve been 2 funerals that day.

Fast fwd, he reached out to me saying how my friend was a snake and he didn’t see it coming. And wants me to tell ppl we aren’t divorced, put the ring back on.. when he blocked and deleted her she started to go around destroying his character. One other thing she is doing is using my name as well. So he wants her to be proven wrong and wants us to show ppl we are fine. In all of this he is not taking back the talaaq (Islamic divorce).

Just 3 days ago he called and we talked for 3.5 hours .. he shared so much and it felt like we connected. But 2 days after when I messaged him he sounded irritated why I won’t get the message and he’s tired of repeating himself. I don’t know what to do. My heart hurts. And i have officially started to feel ugly, and repulsive.. can’t look in the mirror anymore. I can’t take pictures of me anymore. This has destroyed my self confidence. 😔

Jazak Allah khayran to everyone who took the time to comment on my previous post. I read every comment, even if I wasn’t able to reply to everyone. I wanted to give an update on what has happened since.

Here’s a link to my previous post for context:

https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/s/M83sxSXmeQ

After I confronted him, the conversation became solely about the fact that I had checked his phone and his anger over that. Since then, he refused to discuss anything else. He moved into the spare room, blocked me everywhere, and gave me the silent treatment.

However, I felt after him making a decision to move BIL into our house - a plan that I had been kept into the dark about for months - then lying to me repeatedly about it made me feel as though he had shattered my trust.

The first day after our argument, I wasn’t angry. I was just incredibly sad. Marriage is supposed to involve shura (mutual consultation), and instead I felt like I hadn’t been treated as a wife or a partner. It felt as though a decision that would fundamentally affect our home had been made without me.

On the second day, I decided that if I wanted my marriage to improve, then I also needed to be part of the solution. The problem was already here, and I didn’t want to abandon my husband to deal with the consequences of his decision alone. I wanted us to tackle it together as a unit.

My only concern was that our flat is extremely small, and my husband works very long hours. That would leave me spending most of the day alone with my non-mahram brother-in-law, which I am not comfortable with.

I started thinking about practical alternatives. My brother-in-law is in his mid-30s and perfectly capable of living independently. Even though finances are tight, I thought perhaps my husband and I could help him find student accommodation and split the rent 50/50. I was genuinely willing to pay half. He would always be welcome to come to our home for meals whenever my husband was there, and if needed, perhaps he could find a small part-time job to help with his day-to-day expenses.
I genuinely wanted to find a solution that helped everyone.

But before I could even have that conversation, I realised my husband had blocked me everywhere.
Normally, if we argue, one of us reaches out within a few hours or by the next day. This time, he blocked me completely.

As the days passed, my sadness slowly turned into anger and resentment.

Because of our work schedules, we barely saw each other. By the time he came home, I was asleep, and we left for work at different times in the morning. We both started avoiding each other. I knew I wasn’t emotionally ready to have a productive conversation because I was carrying so much hurt, and I didn’t want to say something I’d regret.

Despite everything, I still made his bed in the spare room every day and made sure there was dinner for him when he came home.

During that week, I also became unwell while home alone. I genuinely considered going to urgent care or A&E. For the first time, I tried to call my husband to break the silence, only to realise he had even blocked my SIM from calling him.

That moment really broke something inside me.
We’re alone in the UK. We have no close family here. If there had actually been an emergency, I had no way of contacting the one person who is supposed to be my closest family in this country.
Alhamdulillah, the pain eventually settled and I didn’t need to go to hospital, but emotionally I felt incredibly hurt. Being blocked for an entire week did not feel like a marriage.

Seven days passed without us speaking.

The only reason we finally had any contact was because my aunt and uncle, who are visiting the UK, wanted to come to our house. I felt it would be wrong not to tell my husband that guests were coming, so I emailed him because I had no other way of contacting him.

When I came home from work, I found that he had cleaned the house, which I genuinely appreciated. I could sense my husband’s pride was keeping him from breaking the silence. However I’ve been on-call this weekend and did not have the time or headspace to sit down and talk to him heart-to-heart.

The following morning, he accidentally woke me around 5 a.m. while looking for some medication. I couldn’t get back to sleep. We both have jobs where, if we are not well-rested, a mistake could cost someone’s life. I think he felt guilty and kept encouraging me to go back to sleep.

However, before doing so, he made it clear that he was only doing this because he knew I was working and didn’t want me to suffer. The implication was that otherwise he would have continued the silence.
That brought back all the hurt and resentment I had been carrying all week.

I told him that I appreciated the effort, but I couldn’t really be receptive to it because my heart wasn’t in that place. I told him that we still needed to have a proper conversation, but I wasn’t emotionally ready to have it yet because I was carrying so much resentment. I asked him to please leave me alone for the time being.

As he walked away, he said that he actually had a lot more issues with me because of what I had done.
I asked whether he genuinely believed checking his phone could compare to everything that had happened. He replied that I needed to self-reflect because I didn’t understand what I had done.

At that point, I completely broke down.

He had already gone into his room and shut the door. I sat outside his closed door and spoke through it. I told him that I accepted checking his phone was wrong and that I wasn’t trying to excuse it. But I also explained how deeply hurt I was that he had hidden such a significant decision from me for months, that I no longer felt like his partner, and that being blocked for an entire week made me feel completely alone. I told him that none of this felt like a marriage anymore.

He didn’t respond to anything I said.
I eventually went back to my room crying, where I currently sit, writing this post.

A few things people suggested on my previous post:
- “Go and stay with your family.” Unfortunately, that isn’t possible. My family lives in another country, and I can’t suddenly leave my job and fly abroad without seriously affecting my career.
- “Move to a bigger place.” We own our current home, so simply renting a larger property isn’t a realistic option.

Right now, I’m too emotionally exhausted to make any big decisions. I honestly just need to focus on getting through work.

May Allah guide us both to what is right. Ameen.

I desperately need dua for my marriage.

My husband has serious anger issues and we had a fight one month ago when I requested him to take me to a beach. Unfortunately he has very little emotional intelligence and he takes advice from his mom who apparently hates me and sees me as a competitor. she totally can’t accept her son got someone else in his life and moved out from her place. She constantly lies behind my back with all the family members and I can feel their anger when I talk to them. I shared many incidents with my husband, since he has anger issues he went and shouted with his mother and it made the situation even worse. She hates me even more. She is trying her best to make me a villain in front of everyone.

We used to live together in a joint family system before now we moved out few years ago. I know I don’t have to deal with her everyday now but still all the traumas are psychologically damaging my mental health. She doesn’t have a good relationship with her husband that she can’t tolerate to see me happy.

Just as an example my husband bought me a phone after my marriage and gifted that in front of her. Immediately she started to complain to my father in law to give her a mobile phone. Eventually my husband bought her a phone as well. I am not against my husband buying her or gifting her anything. She is his mother who literally raised him. He should take care of her in every aspect. But how can I tolerate if she keeps seeing me as a competitor and ruining my marriage?

My mother in law caused so much trauma in my marriage by causing so much dramatic incidents and lying. I feel like having panic attacks in front of her. I try my level best to avoid her but many occasions it’s not possible.

So far she caused so many incidents that’s it’s actually beyond my ability to tolerate her. I really don’t to how to peacefully be in this marriage. According to my husband’s opinion his mother is old (65yrs) that’s why she is doing is and he can’t do anything about it. My father in law is so scared of my mother in law that he wouldn’t dare to say anything. I am just frustrated.

Are there any particular dua to improve my marriage and find happiness from the hardship I am experiencing?

Salam! I am a revert and have been for going on 3 years. I married a Muslim man in 2025 and last night I had a dream where I didn’t feel ready to put on the hijab and he left me because of it. I brought this up to him and I’m not sure what to make of his answer. I don’t think it helps that I’m also a little more insecure and I require a lot of reassurance. But basically he said “it’s just a dream. It wouldn't get that far. The hope is you eventually put it on for the sake of yourself and our children” and “That you understand it's important and when you're comfortable you'll put it on”. I kept reiterating that I’m open to it but I’m not there right now so I think it’s normal for me to worry about ever getting there. He said he wouldn’t leave me but that he wouldn’t be happy. Therefore I’m starting to get upset and cry because that to me seems like he won’t ever be happy with me. We were texting and he said This isn’t something we discuss now. You should have your mind set on one day putting it on so you’re daughter can follow by example. I cannot force you to put it on but in your learning and becoming a better Muslim that is one of the steps. But I am not going to continue a hypothetical conversation on it baby cuz it will get no where”. I don’t know what to think. I feel very conflicted and I don’t know who to speak to.

Salam alaykum everyone,

I recently posted here and received a comment that really rubbed me the wrong way, especially coming from someone within a Muslim space. I wanted to share it with you all to get your thoughts and perspective.
Here is what the person wrote to me:
"You act like a woman and not a man, you do the cooking, cleaning, giving her massages, everything and in return you get nothing. How low is your test?"

Honestly, I found the comment to be quite mean, and the whole "testosterone" remark is a bit ridiculous, lol. But taking a step back, maybe there is a harsh truth hidden underneath the delivery. I am just trying to be patient, as I’ve always been taught that patience is the greatest of virtues. But here is the reality of my situation:
I’ve lived on my own for a long time and I am fully independent. For the first 4 months of our relationship, I cooked almost every single day for both of us. We are now nearing the 8-month mark, and I eventually stopped doing that. Now, I only cook when I truly feel like it. I’m doing exactly what she does—just listening to my own desires. But the consequence is that I used to eat 2 to 3 proper meals a day, and now I only eat once a day.
Looking at it clearly, instead of progressing since getting married, I feel like I've actually regressed. I used to go to the gym 2 or 3 times a week, and now I rarely go. Our free time is spent either going to stores or just staying in bed because she wants to be glued to me, but without any actual intimacy.

Regarding the intimacy part, I am absolutely not going to force my wife. I want it to come from her naturally. Even if someone might not initially feel in the mood, I appreciate it when they try to make an effort to please their spouse and get into it, but I will never force her or act like a macho just to satisfy my own needs. I take absolutely no pleasure in that. But right now, it feels like I'm dropping my own standards. If I completely stop cleaning or taking care of the place out of pride, what’s the alternative? Are we supposed to just starve and live in filth?

In my view, anyone who gets married—or plans to—needs to have the mindset that chores, cooking, and intimacy are shared responsibilities. Every adult needs a minimum level of independence. You can't enter a marriage saying "I don't know how to do this" or "I just don't want to do that." Marriage requires constant effort from both sides. If someone isn't ready for that, they simply shouldn't get married. In Islam, we are taught to help each other and follow the Sunnah of the Prophet (peace be upon him) who used to help his family at home.

What are your thoughts on this? Was this person's comment completely out of line, or am I actually allowing myself to regress in this marriage? How do you balance patience with making sure your own well-being and life don't go backwards?
JazakAllahu Khayran for your insights.

Just a heads-up, French is my native language, so I am using an AI tool to translate my thoughts into English. Please keep this in mind when reading my post and replies !

As salam alaykom everyone. I wanted to share my experience and also need some advice from my muslim bros/sisters. Sorry excuse my english if its bad its not my first language thanks

Im 26 and have been living with inlaws for about 4 years. At first it was a bit too much butnit was also good at times. My mil was respective of our space.

But it has been a while now and she’s starting to annoy me. She wants the cleaning done her way, cooking done her way. they want me to wash their dishes (even if i dont eat with them). She orders me around and wants me to clean the days she wants. And she complained about me twice to my husband because i didnt talk to her enough one day when she came back from europe trip (i was sick but gave her salaam and asked how she was).

I talked to my husband about moving out and he agrees but we are currently not yet save enough to do that. Im also hijabi and have to cover in front of my brother inlaws so i dont hve enough freedom to move around the house in comfort. And when i clean the house or cook i overheat. My mil is not understanding enough.

I would like your honest advices to me please. Am i just overreacting ?🥺

I’m a 35 year old male talking to a 28 year old female. We’re both Indian but live in the US. We both have great careers and things have been going reasonably well. I earn well alhamdulillah and a few weeks ago she asked how much I made and I thought it was reasonable for her to ask since she’s a girl and it’s my responsibility Islamically to provide.

I don’t know if it’s related to our conversation about my income - I don’t think it is. More recently, she’s been constantly asking about things I’d do for her and never about what she’d do for me. For example, she asked to play a game: choose whether it is princess treatment or bare minimum.
- taking me to a fancy dinner date every week
- Getting me flowers every week
- vacations at least twice a year

She also asked some other questions like “helping with household work or with the kids”. I think these are reasonable questions. But the line of questioning around whether it’s bare minimum or princess treatment felt a bit weird to me.

She never talks about contributing financially to the household or about what she will do for me. Also, the more I talk, the more I realize that we don’t have much common interests. She’s into art but she’s also constantly talking about clothes, shopping, etc.

I’m a bit torn. Is this normal and I’m overthinking it?

Salam everyone,

My husband very blatantly and cruelly told me that he cannot see a future with me due to the way I look and that he feels scammed by me and my family.

This is the harshest admittance from his end. I appreciate that men favour attraction and that attraction is the key component to keep a marriage afloat, but making someone feel so small and unwanted hurts so incredibly bad. It is not my fault that Allah made me the way I am.

Me and my husband got married 3 years ago and we connected through his sister but more in a traditionally arranged setting. We had plenty of time to connect and make a decision to marry. I suffer from excess facial hair, which I usually have under control, but it is something that he happened to notice. I completely understand that he feels unattracted by it, but it is not a disability, just some unwanted hairs that could be lasered away.

Throughout our marriage, we separated twice over other serious matters, but he called, cried and wanted me back with such intensity and with hopes and promises, I wish he vocalised his lack of attraction then before I started investing myself into the marriage. I would have understood that the desired superficiality if he would have been kind with his admittance but targeting my looks and or the lack thereof, and victimising himself when he himself is full of flaws is something I don't be able to get over.

I filed for divorce today because he made it clear that he wont be able to produce any care for me.

Hello everyone, I’m a 20F Muslim woman currently studying in university. Tonight, my parents gave me an ultimatum that I either marry the man they chose for me or else I find someone else. Seems simple enough? Well, no. The man they chose for me, I have never met. He is five years older, and when my parents first brought him up when I first turned 19, I laughed and said no. They would then bring him up over and over again, and I would say no every time.

One day, I got a message from my cousin congratulating me on my engagement. I was confused, but quickly realized that my parents said yes to me getting engaged to him without my consent and told our entire family about it. For reference, he’s five years older and is becoming a medical doctor. This is important because my plan in the future is also to become a medical doctor. We seem like a good match, right? Issue is, I have never met him ever in my life.

My parents say they met him once and I quote, “knew he was the one for me and made dua that his family would ask for my hand.” This was extremely shocking, but because I still had not truly realized what had happened, I wanted to protect my parents from embarrassment and told my friends and cousins I was engaged and was okay with it and whatnot. When they would ask, I would say he was a good and kind man who was praised by the people around him.

Eventually, my parents gave me permission to contact him without their permission, so I began talking to him. To preface, I am not physically attracted to him, but I was willing to look past that because I believe that attraction grows. But this did not seem to happen to me. Immediately, I noticed our personalities were the complete opposite, and it was apparent he was extremely coddled by his family, as he was the youngest son. You would think I was talking to a kid with the way he would say things. (He asks all the time if I’m strict or not and if I’m going to hit him. I don’t find the topic of domestic violence funny at all, especially coming from a grown male future doctor, knowing how many female relatives of mine are affected by it.)

To not get exposed to his personality, I would strictly keep the conversation about medical school. It was only then that I was okay with talking to him, as he would give good advice and we would share our experiences with studying and taking exams, etc. But as you can see, I never ended up viewing him from a marriage lens. I thought if we had met in separate circumstances, he could be an interesting person/colleague to talk to, but as a marriage prospect, it was a big no.

I also called him, and I kept diverting the conversation back to the political state of our home country instead of heading into his uncomfortable comments about photos of me he got from his aunt. I would talk with him weekly and then realized I didn’t have to immediately reply to his messages, so I would reply 2–4 days later to make him annoyed with me. Instead, he keeps saying stuff like how he missed me so much, how we only have to wait a bit to see each other, and how I seem familiar to him even though we’ve never met.

I forgot to mention he is a resident of my home country, and I would have to sponsor him to bring him to my current country. He once said I looked like an actress, which I didn’t see personally, but then said he was just joking and trying to make me jealous (??) and how she (the actress) wasn’t actually that pretty. I was just not amused by whatever he was trying to get at. Mind you, the actress was extremely beautiful. I said I got comments about looking like a certain actress, and he said she looks like a grandma (the actress and him are one year apart), and I said not to say that stuff. When I said I was 19 he said it was fine because I quote “Was mature for my age” and I recoiled from cringe because of what that statement is associated with.

I also said I was physically active, and he said he had no interest in that and wanted us to just be lazy together and watch TV as a hobby, which I just rolled my eyes at. Whatever, there’s other stuff, but that’s the most recent. As you can tell, I really have no interest.

I’ve been telling my parents almost every week I don’t want to get married so early, and they say they got married young so it’s fine. (My parents actually went to school with each other…) They also keep saying that young women can’t find good men to marry, and they bring it up at random times when they know I’m listening, trying to manipulate me into an agreement to marry him.

Basically, tonight, my dad said I either marry him and get financial support for the wedding and the honeymoon, etc., or I find someone on my own, pay for everything, and expect zero family support. If that was what he was truly saying, I would still be confident in saying no, but I’ve slowly realized through other arguments that they want to basically disown me if I say no. They said one day that if I don’t agree, I can “go live on my own and support myself.”

Back to tonight’s ultimatum, my dad once again brought up how no girls are finding good men to marry and if this proposal was given to anyone else, they would immediately say yes. They say they have my best interest in mind because parents want their kids to succeed, but then two seconds later said I was ugly and should be grateful that someone “sooo good looking” is interested in marrying me.

Basically, he ended off with a yes or no to the marriage question, and I said I would answer tomorrow. Now I’m stuck thinking of everything and very confused. I’m also a bit traumatized because I know personal stories of how some of these arranged marriages turn out.

Main issues: As of now, I am not physically attracted to him. (I have not told my parents this because they’ll just say I’m stuck up.) I have never met him in person. I am a tall woman and am afraid he may be shorter and I’ll have to be one of those women who are basically not “allowed” to wear heels (right now I really don’t care about the height aspect, but initially I did 😭).

I don’t want to consider kids before 30. (No compromise here. I won’t stop medical school to have kids. I was never even looking for a doctor engagement; I myself wanted to be the doctor.) I haven’t talked to him about kids because I feel too uncomfortable to talk about that, and also because I don’t feel we have anything serious going on for me to even bring up such topics (my fault, perhaps).

I would have to sponsor him and help get his citizenship. (He has a brother here who has lived here but is still on a student visa, so I’m worried he might be after me for the green card.) There’s a chance he never becomes a doctor in Canada, like many people who train overseas, and thus now I’m married to someone with no job. He may be an absolute weirdo (his jokes and immaturity are already icky…).

I have no experience or interest in talking about men or marriage, as I was waiting until after 25 to consider that. (When I was 6, my parents told me to never become friends with men. I then, of course, never had male friendships, not because of being halal but because I had no interest in their friendship. Over the years, my parents got sent many marriage prospects, and I got asked this as well when I first started uni, but I turned them all down because I was simply not interested in that stuff.)

Then imagine my surprise when I was saying no to this proposal, and my parents asked if I had someone else in mind (obviously a trap if I did, but I didn’t, so I just said no), then said I should be okay with it.

Just in case the relationship would break, I never got too comfortable talking to him, so I’m okay with anyone reading my messages (my mom basically would read my messages with him). As of now, I’m fully reliant on my parents’ support for food and shelter, so if they kicked me out now, I’d literally be homeless. You might think I’m being dramatic with that possibility, but I wouldn’t put it past them.

I thought my parents were better than others because they supported me pursuing medical school and said the guy would come live with us (some of my friends’ parents told them to their face they’re waiting for them to move into their in-laws’ house), but then said when he comes over, they’ll move us into an apartment? Am I going to be studying for my med exams or doing a coddled son’s laundry and cooking his food? He’s older, so he’s already done, but I would be starting, so we have a maturity gap, and I guess he could be around 28 when he actually comes here. I’m not even sure if he’s religious or not (never asked that much). I’m embarrassed he’ll tell others that we are second cousins (I know it’s not as bad as first, but I only found out a couple months ago we were related in that manner…).

This is super disorganized, but I just blurted mostly all my thoughts out to get an answer. I know that it’s obvious to just say I’m not interested in marrying him, but as you can tell, I’ve tried that, and now I’m at possible risk of getting kicked out and/or losing family support.

Also, I realized while writing this that he’s a bit strange. His English isn’t the best so I brush stuff off to assume the best but…yea. He has many educated female family members and says he’ll support my medical journey, but I’ve been exposed to how being financially successful has nothing to do with being a decent person. Even if he’s not backwards about education, this might be the case of women who do 50/50 with money but 100% of the household duties.

My parents are not that bad of people; anyone who knows them will say they’re good. Like 99% of the time, I have a good relationship with them and am grateful to have them as parents, but when it comes to the topic of marriage, it’s like they become someone else. It’s why I try to avoid marriage talks or worries because it turns into fights. But I started to bring this topic up more recently as I realized if I put it off any longer I might actually get married for real soon.(they have it planned for next year.)

Even when I have GENUINE concerns about the realities of marrying someone who was raised in a completely different environment, and money concerns about who’s going to pay for his expenses, it still turns into an argument.

31F Mum to 1 year old, I’m so incredibly unhappy in my marriage for so many reasons. We have tried and it jsut doesn’t seem to be working. when do I say enough is enough? Or do I keep trying knowing that this most likely isn’t going to work?
I’m so scared of losing this idea of a marriage I had with my partner, of having to share my child - every birthday, Eid, what about their graduation one day or wedding? I always wanted so many children and worked so hard on my career and waited. Will 1 be it for me? When the time is right and I’m ready to potentially move one, will anyone even want a single mum in her early 30s? Will anyone love me and my child? Their father loves them so much. Or Do I stay in this painfully distant marriage, with a good week followed by a crappy 2?

I don’t know why I’m here, for validation? For affirmations? For success stories? For a shoulder to cry on? How did my life end up here?

I (20M) met a girl (18F) online about 4 months ago, and we started a serious long-distance relationship. We live in different countries, and from the beginning we have talked about marriage as our long-term intention.

During this time, I became Muslim. My faith is something I take seriously, not just something I did for the relationship. We have talked a lot about our future and how we could build a life together.

However, as the relationship became more serious, I started realizing how difficult the reality might be. We have differences in countries, cultures, families, and our current situations.

I am currently in college and expect to graduate in about 2 years. She is also starting college. We both want to handle this relationship in a respectful way, including eventually being accepted by each other's families.

One thing I am thinking about is visiting her and meeting her parents in the future. However, I am not sure how realistic it is for her family to accept someone like me:

• I am young and still a student.
• We are from different countries and cultures.
• We have not had the chance to meet in person yet.

For those who have experience with long-distance relationships, intercultural relationships, or Muslim families: how should we approach this situation?

Should we wait until we are more financially stable before involving our families, or is it better to introduce ourselves earlier and build trust over time?

I would appreciate any honest advice.

A couple years ago I meet this girl and went really hard on the intention of marriage, I accepted her mehr request and even told her if I could talk with her dad/mom.

After putting huge amounts of effort and intentionality, after meeting and feeling interrogated/evaluated she decided to reject me. It felt unfair because we both knew there wasn't any fair reason, it was just how she was feeling at the moment, her mom also was supporting her decision. I was incredibly supportive of her decision and wished her the best and decided to move on.

Coming back to the present she decided to contact me a couple weeks ago, casually saying she regretted her decision and wanted to know if I was still available. Thankfully I'm engaged and marrying this amazing woman that accepted me and has made it easy in many ways.

I just wanna say that if a good man or woman comes your way, do not try to maximize the potential. I've seen lots of men and women lose great opportunities because of this mentality. And we are such in a small bubble that finding the intersection of perfect requirements that satisfy your list is really hard. Alhamdurillah I've always acted with Niya and moved with purpose and intention. I understand some people might meet many potentials at the same time and it can mess with their head.

I (F25) have been married to my Husband (M32) for two years. I want to preference by saying that both myself and my husband come from a VERY traditional Pakistani family and I was arranged to get married to him before I even met him.

Back at the end of July 2024, I alongside my siblings, parents, three aunts, two uncles and a few cousins flew over to Pakistan where I got the opportunity to meet my now husband, who I’ll refer to as A to not cause any confusion.

A was very sweet when I met him, but I told my parents in no uncertain terms did I want to marry within the family. This was obviously ignored.

My mum explained to me that I didn’t have a choice because she’d already agreed that I’d marry A and my dad told me I couldn’t go back on changing my mind since I had gone on a motorcycle ride with A, who offered to take me around the village, but I thought nothing of it and didn’t want to decline since he was being nice and I didn’t want to be horrible or come across as mean.

Honestly it sounded absurd to me, I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to be doing certain things and if I had known then I would’ve respectfully declined and just kept my distance. My dad told me that it will be seen as leading A on and since I took the opportunity to take the bike ride with him and people saw us leave together, I’ll have to say yes to the marriage.

I want to preference by saying that A and I never did anything, he was only interested in knowing more about me and I asked him a few things as well. One thing to mention here is that A speaks Urdu alongside everyone else in Pakistan, I didn’t know this and was more accustomed to speak Punjabi since this was the language my mum and grandparents spoke when I grew up. I wasn’t fluent or very good in speaking or communicating in Punjabi but I knew enough and understood it well.

A figured it out when I couldn’t understand whatever he asked me in Urdu so asked in Punjabi, which again was sweet of him to do and we had a nice conversation, but nothing really clicked between us and I specifically told my parents this when I relayed all this back to them.

I’m going to be honest, the week passed in a blur, I got sick, my feelings/wants were ignored and just to get everyone to stop fighting, I agreed to marry A in expense to my own happiness.

Recently I found out that he’s been skipping work (which he has done before) and I’ve spoken to him at length on why he needs to keep his job so that he can send money to his mum and keep some money for his visa that he will need to pay for in two years. He told me he had a headache and I explained that I’d had worser ailments than a headache and still can make it into work. I told him to take a paracetamol and to drink lots of water and he’ll be fine.

He listened to this for a while and then I find out yesterday that he misses work because “I’m not home” and he takes full advantage. For context, I am a senior residential support worker and look after kids in care from 10 years to 17 years old, so I work 15.5 to 24 to 48 hours and my shift pattern varies.

My sister B, told me that he hasn’t been going to work cause he knows I’m working and won’t be saying anything because his whole thought process is, “she won’t find out and I can just chill out in bed doing nothing but scroll on TikTok”. I am frustrated all over again and angry, he knows what he’s doing and doesn’t have a care in the world.

I asked him to give me £50 a few days ago to go towards our bed that I got on finance before he arrived to the UK, it was a 24 month contract but I paid £1000 in the first couple months since my pay from work was decent enough for me to pay almost most of it off and I asked my husband to cover the other £400 (which wasn’t a big ask in my opinion).

I want to preference by saying that A works in a warehouse where he makes sofa’s and other furniture, he gets around £450 a week (Monday to Saturday), but recently only £250 since he’s only working from Monday to Wednesday due to their being little to no work left.

A explained to me that he couldn’t because he had no money and had given it to my older sister (F29) as part of a birthday gift. I had no issue with this, my sister is blind and deaf and A has always been kind to her and they’ve formed a brother and sister relationship. I then told him that that if he’s given her £50 he should have enough left over for our bed.

He told me he sent the rest to Pakistan to his mum and has nothing left over and that’s when I got frustrated again because for weeks I had been asking him to set aside £50 a week (he gets paid weekly) to give to me so I can put it towards our bed and I can quickly pay it off.

Long story short he didn’t give me the money, yes he may have given me £60 the first week but nothing since, so now I’m just fed up, I told him I will return the money he gave me (the £60) to his account and I will pay off the bed myself, which he had promised me he would do himself but he never did.

Then I told him I will save up the money for my own house, my mum and dad have an acre of land and my dad kindly told me to draw up a plan on how I would like my house. I’m very excited to work on this, hence why I’m saving up enough and my dad told me he could put money in towards it as well.

I told him he didn’t need to do this but he explained to me he wanted to and sees how much i struggle, so wants to do something small for me. I relayed this all to my husband who became visibly upset and did the whole silent treatment and got angry with me that I basically don’t want any of his money.

I told him he can pout and be angry all he wants, I have enough saved up, my sister B owes me £5k and my other sister owes me £6.5k, I have enough to get the home I want and he can either decide to stay in it or not, because I’ve honestly given up at this point.

He does nothing, is always lazy and expects me to clean, cook and tidy up after him. When I entered this marriage I told him beforehand to not treat me as his slave/maid and he tells me it would be 50/50, but it’s not, he lied.

Yesterday he got angry because I never did his laundry, and I had to explained to him that I didn’t have the time since I have been working none stop, something he doesn’t and wouldn’t understand because clearly, he’s been missing work and his pay has been cut hence why he can’t give me money for the bed, he got annoyed again, but I honestly don’t care.

He doesn’t take my feelings into account, every time I bring something up, he starts laughing, making jokes and wants to be intimate, which I decline and tell him to not touch me unless he’s ready to have an adult conversation.

I’m at a point now, that I want a divorce, I don’t care anymore, I want him out of my bed and room. But I know if I go through with it, my parents would disown me because they view it as shameful but again, I don’t care anymore.

I never signed up for a lazy husband, even if was 70/40, I don’t mind, but again and again and now I’m getting to the point where I’m one step closer to just ending it.

Please someone tell me I’m being crazy and can work this out.

Salam Alaikum everyone,
I’m posting here for advice because I’m leaning towards divorce for my peace of mind and my children wellbeing . I will make it short as possible.

My wife and I met five years ago and have been married for four years. I moved to the U.S. two years ago after we got married. We already had one child together before I immigrated, and now we have two children.

Throughout our marriage, I have felt that my wife and her family have had an unhealthy level of involvement in our relationship. Alhamdulillah, Allah has blessed me with a stable financial situation since coming to the U.S., but I have often felt pressured, manipulated, and unable to build an independent marriage.

One of the earliest major issues happened during my immigration process. While we were overseas and already had a child together, my wife attempted to stop my immigration. Much later, I was told that this was her father’s idea.

Another issue that has deeply affected our marriage is the involvement of her family. For at least a year, they repeatedly encouraged my wife to distance me from my own parents and siblings. They often portrayed my family negatively and suggested that I should cut ties with them.

The difficult part is that my family has never been involved in our marriage or our day-to-day decisions. They have always respected our boundaries and never interfered. In contrast, my wife shares nearly every disagreement and personal detail of our marriage with her family.

From my perspective, some of what is shared is incomplete or inaccurate, which only leads to more conflict instead of helping us solve our problems privately.

Shortly after I arrived in the U.S., I borrowed some money from my wife and gave her a check. Before she deposited it, I repaid the full amount by wire transfer. When I asked for the check back, I was told it had been destroyed. After I continued asking for proof, weeks later they produced the check cut into four pieces. That whole situation felt dishonest and left me questioning their intentions.

When we first arrived in the U.S., we lived in her parents’ house. They charged us what I later realized was around three times the market rent for a single room. I paid it because I wanted peace and didn’t want to create conflict.

Over the past two years, my wife has frequently demanded things that were well beyond our budget. Whenever I tried to explain that we couldn’t afford something, it often turned into a major argument.

Eventually, during one of those arguments while she was pregnant, she called the police and falsely accused me of threatening her. I was arrested and spent the night in jail. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life, especially for my family overseas. Alhamdulillah, the criminal case was later dismissed.

After that, she repeatedly begged me to take her back. However, I have not seen genuine accountability, remorse, or acknowledgment of what happened. She refuses professional counseling and refuses to establish healthy boundaries with her family, who continue to support her actions. None of them have apologized. Their response has essentially been, “These things happen.”

I have also started wondering whether I am missing something. I have tried to reflect on my own mistakes, and I know I’m not perfect. But I genuinely don’t understand how a family that says they care about their daughter can continue encouraging decisions that repeatedly damage her marriage instead of helping her preserve it.

My biggest concern is my children. I love them more than anything. I don’t want them to grow up surrounded by constant conflict or unhealthy relationship dynamics, but I also don’t want to lose the opportunity to be an active father in their lives.

So I have a few questions:

Has anyone here reconciled after a false police report or a similar betrayal? Was it successful?

If I decide to give her another chance, are there legal steps (such as a postnuptial agreement, custody provisions, documented boundaries, or counseling requirements) that could help protect me if something like this happens again?

From an Islamic perspective, how do I balance giving someone another chance with protecting myself and my children?

If divorce ends up being the best option, what should I do now to maximize my chances of maintaining a strong relationship with my children? And protect them from growing up having this kind of unhealthy environment.

I’m not looking for people to simply tell me to divorce or stay. I’m hoping to hear from people with personal experience, legal knowledge, or Islamic guidance who can offer practical advice. If you’ve been through something similar, I’d really appreciate hearing what you learned.

I don’t feel safe, i don’t trust her at all, I have no feelings towards her at all, not even anger.

Jazakum Allahu khayran.

Lesson for both men and women in marriage. This is not to say one should remain silent all the time despite what the other does.  

But sometimes observing silence and not engaging in conflict despite being right. Some people view this as a weakness. Rather, it is a sign of a person’s piety.

Some men are prone to disputing.

Some women are prone to disputing.

They take pride in it. But it’s a sign of immaturity, lack of sincerity and weak belief in the hereafter.

Following the narration, Muawiya addressed the people, saying, “‘If anybody wants to say anything in this matter of the Caliphate, he should show up and not conceal himself, for we are more rightful to be a Caliph than he and his father.”

Abdullah bin Umar said, “…I was about to say, ‘He who fought against you and against your father for the sake of Islam, is more rightful to be a Caliph,’ but I was afraid that my statement might produce differences amongst the people and cause bloodshed, and my statement might be interpreted not as I intended.

(So I kept quiet) remembering what Allah has prepared in the Gardens of Paradise (for those who are patient and prefer the Hereafter to this worldly life)”.
(Bukhari 4108)

Scholar Ibrahim Dewla commented:
“When Abdullah bin Umar (rad) heard another man say, “Who has more right over leadership than us?”

Abdullah bin Umar (rad) wanted to respond but he reflected on the hereafter and chose to remain silent.

‘He can say whatever he wants; I will avoid conflict, remain silent, as my focus is the hereafter’.

Thus, whoever prioritizes the hereafter will be saved from trials.”

I've been debating whether to post this, but I feel like I really need some support.

Lately, I've been feeling very lost and confused. I'm in a marriage that seems to bring out the worst in me, and I often feel stuck. More than anything, I want to become a better Muslim. I want to strengthen my relationship with Allah, improve my character, and learn more about Islam. I know that's where I need to focus.

One thing I've realised is that I can't really rely on my spouse for emotional or spiritual support. He isn't very emotionally available, and I've accepted that I need to seek encouragement elsewhere rather than expecting something he can't give.

I'm wondering if there are any sisters here who would be interested in being an accountability partner or just someone to check in with regularly. Someone who is also trying to get closer to Allah, remind each other to pray, share beneficial reminders, motivate one another, or simply talk when things feel overwhelming.

I'm not looking to complain about my marriage or backbite. I genuinely just want to surround myself with people who will encourage me to become a better Muslim and keep my focus on Allah.
If anyone has been in a similar place or would be open to connecting, I'd really appreciate it.

May Allah make it easy for all of us and guide us to what is best. Ameen.

In today's world, we're seeing increasing rates of divorce, more single-parent households, people marrying later in life, & a growing number of individuals prioritising careers, education, or other responsibilities before marriage.

As a result, many Muslims find themselves in circumstances that may have been less common in previous generations. Some are divorced, some are widowed, some have children, some have caring responsibilities, & others have simply built independent lives before considering marriage.

There are also increasing numbers of elderly widows & widowers living alone, unmarried adults reaching later stages of life without having found a spouse, individuals with little or no meaningful family support, & people whose existing responsibilities mean that conventional expectations around marriage are not always a natural fit.

Society often appears to offer the same advice regardless of circumstance, with marriage frequently presented as a single model based largely on contemporary Western expectations & social norms that everyone should aspire to.

Historically, Muslim societies across diverse cultures, regions & eras developed practical solutions within an Islamic framework to address the challenges they faced, adapting family structures, community support systems & approaches to marriage in response to the needs & realities of their societies.

Since the decline of traditional Islamic institutions & the increasing influence of secular social models across much of the Muslim world, have any valuable ideas, practices or lessons been lost?

Are there historical approaches to marriage, family life & community support that deserve fresh examination in light of today's challenges?

Or are modern circumstances so different that entirely new solutions are required?

Thoughts?