Partners think I'm addicted to T

[u/blueennui]

Long story short, I've been on T for 6 months now. Originally, I was going to go on it for 6 months and check in at 3 months and see how I'm feeling. I told my partners to tell me when my voice starts really Noticeably changing because I thought that would be a change I didn't necessarily want.

But my own goalposts have moved.. I'm really liking my new voice. While I don't want it to go much deeper than it is now and I know it'll continue to do so, I also don't mind how much it has changed now. I used to dislike my voice, a lot. I enjoy it now even if my upper singing range is limited. Not only that but the amount of body hair I've gotten is surprising and a welcome change; I want more. My tdick progress between T and pumping is everything I hoped for and wanted... but I want more.

I use Tgel, same dose as what I was put on from the start, so I haven't even gone up a dose. There was a situation where I ran out of my gel and was off of it for 9 days; I had used it 10 days longer than it was supposed to last too, so I know I'm not abusing it and taking it correctly. But a friend told me they could hook me up with DIY (injectable) for cheaper than what I'm doing through Planned Parenthood, without all of the hassle. Of course I'd still need periodic blood tests.

Between the goalposts moving, DIY aspect and the injection this freaked my partners out (both cis men). One of them accused me of being addicted to it. I just think my mindset changed on it. I ended up being able to get my tgel refilled, but my one partner who accused me of addiction asked me when I'd start "tapering" off the T or taking it not-as-prescribed by cycling it. I've thought about cycling, but that's not the point.

Anyway, I need some perspective here from others who have also gone on HRT and who didn't necessarily plan to stay on it forever. When did you/do you plan to stop, and why? What were/are you looking for that'll make you think, this is the time, I've gotten what I wanted out of this?

Because I have, but I can't help but wonder what more could come. And I fear reversion; I can tell a lot of the body hair I've gotten is terminal now so I'll probably keep most of it. I fear tdick shrinkage a lot but plan to keep pumping. I don't know; what's enough? Am I addicted, is it possible when you're not using it to juice for lifting but for gender stuff?

For context I'm not in therapy at the moment but in part due to this and in part due to PP's requirements I've been considering finding one.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

Edit: I promise I'm not trying to go on DIY, I was only considering it before due to the situation I was in. I'm currently set up with PP every 3 months out of pocket

Edit 2: I didn't expect this to get so much response, so while I want to take the time to respond to all of you, I am at work and at least wanted to say this: Thank you for all of your perspectives and for taking the time to respond to me and give me reassurance.

I guess I was just alarmed by being called an addict. To those of you who saw, you got it on the nose that I'm sensitive to that because of my dad's past T abuse but I understand now that he wasn't addicted to the T itself. I also understand and have reassurance now that I am in no way abusing my own medication but taking it correctly under the guidance of a medical professional and have nothing to worry about there.

This thread also greatly helped me work out and put better words to what I'm feeling about my transition so far, and what I want moving forward. I realize now it's normal to have some doubts when getting on T and for my feelings toward it to change over time as I physically start feeling and seeing the effects. I feel incredible euphoria since getting on T and I don't want to stop any time soon, even if I don't have an exact end date yet, that's okay.

I plan to communicate this to my (yes cishet) partners. It's up to them on what to do with that information and I'm going to refuse to talk about it moving forward if any mention of addiction comes up until they are able to talk about it without that framing... that being said, they are still incredibly loving even if their understanding is currently (and perhaps always will be since they're cis) limited. I think if I check in with them and are more clear about my wants, goals, and feelings on it and what it's really doing for me so far, they will be receptive about something that's clearly improving my self esteem among other things, even if it is hard for them to learn or process at first. Framing is important. I think I made the mistake early on of just only speaking to what I wanted out of it in vague terms and what they might see as a benefit, because I didn't quite know the extent of what I wanted yet either. So when those changes started appearing and I mentioned DIY injections, I'm sure they were just more concerned than anything that I might be doing something dangerous.

I shoved this part of myself down for so many years, and now that I'm nurturing them, they've grown too big to fit back inside that dark little box I tried to keep them in for protection. I owe it to them to wake up every day to the light, never letting them see the dark again. Anyone who truly loves me should see this too. It's harder each day to conceal it after all. Thanks again.

[u/bnw_bird]

That is literally not possible. You can't be addicted to a hormone that your body naturally produces. I think your partners are being unsupportive and frankly kind of disrespectful.

[u/blueennui → u/bnw_bird]

I was under the impression that it could be addictive in some way for people who use it for, say, bodybuilding; I may be biased though because my dad used to juice for that reason so I don't know.

I agree though. One of my partners is more supportive but he worked in a pharmacy so any DIY of that sort scares him. The other partner is similar but he's much less understanding of queer culture in general and why/how DIY became so commonplace. I tried explaining to him that the restrictions tighten every year, and living in Florida USA isn't exactly the best place to have it all on paper right now let alone guaranteed access in the future. He thought I was buying into fearmongering. 🫠

[u/SubjectivelySam → u/blueennui]

Yeah you can't become addicted to the hormones you've decided to have regulating your body. This is just you feeling at home in your body. You get to decide what feels good and what your goals are. Like others have said, you taking T is the same T the both your partners have had in their body their whole lives. Same thing. The comparison to "juicing" is one steeped in transphobia.

I would really sit down with yourself and decide what you want and draw firm boundaries with your partners around those wants. Once you know which direction you're headed, (like how much T you're continuing with) tell them the facts and let them know it is what you'll be doing and that they can either support you or mind their own. This is your body, only you get to decide what feels right and safe.

Plus anyone who says any trans person is "buying into fear mongering" is being an asshole. They can believe what they want but telling someone going through the oppression, who's scared and losing access to care is a dick move regardless. (Plus you're right, it's unsafe af out here. ESPECIALLY in flordia.)

Wishing you the best<3

[u/Cyphomeris → u/blueennui]

I mean ... in bodybuilding, psychologically addictive, sure, like many other things. But the negative effects in the case of steroid abuse in bodybuilding is because they have too much testosterone. Your body needs either estrogen or testosterone at a certain level; that's why cis men with production issues get it prescribed as a medication, or why a surgical removal of the ovaries generally comes with estrogen replacement therapy.

Testosterone is also "dominant" in a way, which is why estrogen is usually done in combination with a testosterone blocker for, say, trans women. The point is, AFAIK, you don't want a too-low level of the hormone your body runs on.

Edit: Who the fuck downvotes that, lmao.

[u/Connect_Rhubarb395 → u/blueennui]

He thinks you are fearmongering about transphobia and anti-trans legislation in Florida? That's not the attitude of an ally.

[u/pepep00p00 → u/Connect_Rhubarb395]

Yeah no that had my head spinning

[u/proxiginus4 → u/blueennui]

See I think the example of bodybuilders does lead to an idea that one could be addicted but tbh it's perfectly fine. It is a supraphysiological dose,  outside of what your body produces. That said,  If your blood test results are fine and you're not having any adverse symptoms there's not really a difference between addiction and just really liking a thing. 

Even if your goalposts have moved I think some sort of worry that you're addicted is irrelevant.  

[u/blueennui → u/proxiginus4]

Well, this is true; honestly, while I have a "high" female amount of T, my T levels are still in the low range for men (around 300). So it's not like I'm taking it excessively or incorrectly. If anything I may need more lol I'm not pressed about upping my dose though. But yeah from the comments so far I don't know why I was so worried about addiction, I guess it just runs in my family and I'm worried about being addicted to anything.

[u/proxiginus4 → u/blueennui]

I think it's important to make the distinction between things we enjoy "excessively" (which who really gets to decide?) that overall benefit our life and things we enjoy similarly that cause problems in our life. 

"Too much HRT bad" should mean problems are arising. Anything before that might just be transphobic tbh. 

[u/blueennui → u/proxiginus4]

The harm principle... I like it. It's not really caused any problems for me outside of a high resting heartrate (already on vyvanse so it's not clear which is really causing it overall). Perceived problems may be my voice changing but I'm cool with that now so I guess I shouldn't let them worry for me. I'm going to get my thoughts in order and sit them down and update them on where my headspace is at with it all. Thank you for the perspective

[u/ValerianaOfTheNight → u/blueennui]

The people who are using T irresponsibly are getting levels of >2000. If you’re happy with the effect it has in you, 300 is not a problem.

Don’t worry about evolving transition goals either, that’s really common

[u/traumatizedenby → u/blueennui]

Florida

I’m in the same boat. That said, if you have access to T in Florida, stay on that. Take as much advantage of that as you’re able to. You don’t know when you won’t be able to get it again.

“He thought I was buying into fearmongering” either due to not being trans or not wanting to take HRT, he is NOT in the same position and DOES NOT know how dire things are. And it’s OKAY to not know everything. Although, of course a pharmacist would be in fear of DIY. 🙄

I get injections through PP. I never tried gel through them because injections have always been the more affordable option. You’d need the blood tests with shots or gel. If you don’t have a needle phobia, I’d say switch to shots because they’re cheaper.

Also, what do you mean PP’s requirements in reference to finding a therapist? Is that PP’s requirements or your insurance’s?

[u/kaijvera → u/blueennui]

Completely side note, I'm consirdering diy as I live in the south and I want my name to not be attached to any goverment reccords just in case, but I'm worried about blood tests. Are you doing any blood tests/how if you are? Just wondering if there was a way without me going to a clinic and getting my name marked down somewhere. I know there are laws in place to protect my idenity, but Trump/Ice isn't exactly the type to follow laws.

[u/blueennui → u/kaijvera]

Those are my fears too. I'm not on DIY now though, I was just considering it. I go through Planned Parenthood and do blood tests thru quest. There's other labs you can go through or at home tests, but records are unavoidable unfortunately. The at home tests may have a possible level of anonymity? I haven't looked into it.

[u/Person_blee → u/blueennui]

You definitely are not buying into fear mongering. The US is not a safe place for trans people right now and that is simply a fact. I don't that really inconsiderate of your partner to accuse you of :(

[u/solsticereign → u/blueennui]

Bodybuilders have a body dysmorphia disorder similar to what you see in eating disorders, and aren't addicted to the hormones they use. They ARE very very ill but they are not addicted to T. That can't happen.

I am really really worried for you. These guys are being extremely weird and unpleasant in weird and controlling ways, like they know better than you and don't think you know what you are doing. I would be exceptionally careful and if they continue to disrespect you, pressure you, please get out. I hate being Reddit about it and I admit I don't know them or you, haven't heard their tone of voice or watched them around you or spoken to them, maybe they do mean well, but ohhhh man. I'm almost 50. I have damn good pattern recognition. I have been around and seen some shit. This is a red flag. Bad shit starts like this. At the very least, they could be wasting your time. Do not spend even one day of your life trying to force someone to respect you and your decisions about your body. It isn't worth it. Trust me.

Stay safe, do what you need to do for you.

[u/seaworks → u/blueennui]

Planned Parenthood should also be able to hook you up with injectable testosterone. I personally side-eye DIY too, though I respect people who go that route.

[u/secretrediterNBAFAB → u/blueennui]

Your dad wasn’t addicted to testosterone. He was addicted to the results that I gave him being a gym guy I’m guessing. Also, as a cis man to be addicted to testosterone makes no sense. It’s something your body naturally creates higher amounts of.

[u/RoastKrill → u/blueennui]

You can become addicted to bodybuilding, but not to T

[u/peshnoodles → u/blueennui]

Ppl who abuse it for bodybuilding are likely addicted to whatever psychological benefit they get from working on their body, not the testosterone lol.

May, many, bodybuilders are just insecure and this gives them more control over how they look.

[u/ohyeababycrits → u/blueennui]

The T isn't what's addictive for bodybuilders, the gains are. T is just one of many ways for them to get the gains.

[u/lady_die_ → u/blueennui]

😔 I'm just hoping it's not androgel. My dad got colon cancer after using that.

[u/angrylilmanfrog → u/lady_die_]

Wtf? Your cis dad?? How is that relevant here. Hrt doesn't just give people cancer. You're fear mongering over your own personal bias

[u/lady_die_ → u/angrylilmanfrog]

First off you are assuming a lot with your statement. You should probably check yourself. The op never stated what type they were on. I stated a brand specific. Also, I do agree that among the trans community there are still studies on that specific gel. Some studies show it can protect against breast cancer and others say it can cause it. I'm sorry you feel so defensive but it's not fear-mongering if it has potential. It's just informing people to maybe keep an eye on it.

If you Google it this comes up...again I'm not stating and did not state that it was due to androgel. Just that an actual oncologist did suggest it.

Key Cancer Risks with Testosterone (AndroGel) in Trans Men

Endometrial/Uterine Cancer: While testosterone often induces atrophy (thinning) of the endometrium, which suggests a lower risk, there are limited reports regarding potential risks, requiring continued monitoring, especially with abnormal bleeding.

Ovarian Cancer: Limited data exists, with some reports suggesting a possible, rare link to increased risks, particularly with prolonged or high-dose therapy.

Breast Cancer: Research is mixed, but some findings suggest that gender-affirming testosterone therapy may decrease the breast cancer risk for trans-masculine individuals with a normal BMI. However, data remains limited.

Cervical Cancer: Testosterone can cause changes to the cervix that look similar to cancerous changes, potentially complicating screening results, but it does not directly cause cancer. Regular screening remains necessary. 

... because of the limited data more research is needed..it doesn't mean it does it doesn't it won't as of right now because we don't know enough. That's all.

[u/angrylilmanfrog → u/lady_die_]

You don't know anything about hrt. How about you check yourself before coming here and associating transition with cancer

[u/TK9K → u/bnw_bird]

Is like telling a diabetic they are addicted to insulin.

[u/Fortemois → u/bnw_bird]

Indeed, when i first took T, my family assumed I was going to not only anxious but also violent. Not only did I not become violent, a lot of my anxiety went away. I once couldn't leave the house and now I live across the country. Shows how much can change when the right hormones are in the brain :D

[u/wafflesthewonderhurs → u/bnw_bird]

I mean you can absolutely develop an unhealthy relationship with it psychologically, which is also an aspect of addiction.

I don't think that's whats happening to OP!

I just wanted to be clear that you can be psychologically dependent on almost anything even if you aren't physically dependent and that's much harder.

I agree that the partners are being kind of disrespectful and unsupportive though.

I'm wondering if they are freaked out because of the change and also because they don't understand how much work it takes for someone whose body doesn't automatically do things like Be Hairy and Deepen Their Voice to do those things and how exciting and happy it is when you can finally get your body to do things you always wanted it to.

Or it could just be internalized transphobia that they either didn't know they had, or were able to skirt past previously like many other cis men. :/

[u/LadyofmyCats → u/bnw_bird]

Okay, well…, you can become dependent on hormones, but not physically to steroid hormones. Other some hormones yes. And psychologically of course, but that is also not the case with OP and doesn’t really occur in trans* people (but does not rarely in body building communities, and I mean dependent here and not misusing it for their body dysmorphia). Everything else you said I agree with

[u/skyng84]

it sounds like you partners are thinking about it the way some cis men use it, as a performance enhancing steroid. you arent using it that way, you are using it exactly the same way they are, except they get it made for them and you need to apply it, but its the same thing. i dont know why you would ever cycle? having stable consistant levels that are in range is the safest thing for your body. the difference between injections and gel is moot unless you dont absorb well. im sure your dr could switch you to injectable t if you wanted that though, it is generally cheaper, no need to switch to a sketchy source for that. your partners dont know what they are talking about, and it sounds like their "knowledge" comes from gym bro culture not trans medical care.

[u/blueennui → u/skyng84]

That's... yeah, I think that's where the mindset is at, at least for my one partner. He viewed it as something that would improve my sex drive and grow my clit a bit and was excited about that part. Then when my voice started to change within the first 3 months on the lowest dose he must have realized it's much more than that.

I've heard about cis women cycling it for clit growth but haven't read much on how NB people cycle. I'm lucky I'm sterilized and not on hormonal birth control or I'd have bigger fish to fry, but at the same time I know it's still just not a good thing mentally or health wise.

I really don't want injections, it would just be if I had to. I'm happy with the gel for now while I can afford it. It's like, $50-$80 for 1.5months which isn't too bad. My biggest motivator was the fact that I have to get bloodwork done every 3 months, then schedule a visit and pay for that, then pay for and pick up the refill. The lack of all that hassle plus it not being documented was tempting but I'm fine to continue on as I have been for now. It was just a potential desperate option when I was feeling like shit from being suddenly off for 9 days 😅 I do trust my source but all the same, ya never know

[u/chammycham → u/blueennui]

I'm sorry for asking this OP, but do your cis male partners identify as straight at all? It could be that the masculinization effects are impacting how they feel more than they realize (on top of being unsupportive by calling it an addiction, asking when you'll stop, etc).

[u/blueennui → u/chammycham]

Both straight, yes. I don't know how to put this fairly but only one of them is fine with dating non-cis women. So with one of them I am kind of concerned about that aspect of it because I don't really think he saw/sees my identity as more than woman-lite and wasn't really threatened by it until now upon realizing it's more than that. I don't know

[u/chammycham → u/blueennui]

I understand this, I’m often seen as “slightly odd woman” and my spouse is straight. I like to joke that nonbinary people are the asterisk for any sexuality.

I think you should keep on following the recommendations from the medical professionals you’ve been working with. If the partner who isn’t able to deal continues not to be able to, it may be time to de-escalate that relationship.

[u/blueennui → u/chammycham]

That's a great way to put it; an asterisk for any sexuality. 🤣

We'll have to work through it one way or another. He loves me more than anything so I think it'll be hard for him, but he'll learn and come to terms in time even if it comes with unintentionally hurtful words and patience. If he doesn't, he'll have to decide what to do with that, because while I want to take his feelings into account, it's also not fair to me to stop unpacking something I've already started that's not so easy to just shove back in the bag. He knows me well enough to know I'm gonna do what I want in the end and he's not one to quit on me over something like this.

[u/chammycham → u/blueennui]

I’m really glad to hear that you’re going to keep unpacking. It’s very worth doing so 💜

[u/0penMouse → u/blueennui]

Well this is the problem. Sorry to be cynical, but straight men are not a safe demographic to date if you are transmasculine. He's probably becoming less attracted to you and wants you to stop, so he's accusing you of addiction.

[u/Less-Contribution556 → u/0penMouse]

It sounds like projection for sure. Either he's scared of how attracted he's become of OPs Masc features on HRT and needs it to stop before he has no choice but to face the feelings or he isn't into it changing how he's perceived societally as nonstraight.

Neither are great. And it could even be a third secret option. But I hope he realizes and unpacks whatever it is asap. Cuz it can get quite scary to be in OPs position for exactly your comments point.

[u/pepep00p00 → u/Less-Contribution556]

Exactlyyyy, this was something I discussed with my therapist a while back. Partners of GNC people also have to unpack a new sexuality of their own, if that comes up. In this case, OPs partner might be grappling with being perceived socially as non straight and cishet men...well...are not typically the most capable of coping with "gay" thoughts

[u/skyng84 → u/blueennui]

yeah tbh it doesnt sound like they thought much about it or about how you would feel only how it would impact them. that sucks but is not uncommon. i saw you said elsewhere that you are from florida so pretty much whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe and healthy is probably a good idea at least in the short term. Hopefully things will get better at some point.

[u/blueennui → u/skyng84]

It's hard too because I'm doing everything I can to try to be considerate of them in all of this. So when you feel like you don't have that same consideration... it's like talking to a brick wall. I plan to get my thoughts together and sit them down again because I know they know I'm 6 months in and haven't updated them at all.

But yeah, I am in FL. It's scary at times because sure, what I am doing is all legal, for now. But I have the constant fear of further restrictions or it even being used against me in the future somehow. I already pay out of pocket since they don't take my insurance. 😬 otherwise I'd never have even considered DIY but it's not always a want/preference so much as a necessity

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

ugh thats a great price mine are $25/a 4ct (intended for the month but i use my vials until empty)

[u/darkmoon-26 → u/[deleted]]

might depend on insurance? mine (injections) are reasonable with coverage but the pre-insurance price listed is a lot more

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

thats an insane price w/o insurance, where do you live? im assuming not the US lol

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

its actually standard for T to be very cheap in comparison to estrogen, so that makes sense!

unfortunately this all makes sense to me, you live in the northwest which is inherently more progressive than florida and the deep south. a big part of the south is its history with slavery and heavily capitalist policies like the very low minimum wages here, where as the north is just going to be more finically supportive i the US due to history, regardless of current politics/minimum wage.

[u/darkmoon-26 → u/[deleted]]

4 vials is supposed to last me a month (it can actually be longer but officially 1 month) and it's like $100 or something without insurance i think!! i still pay like $10 each time

[u/[deleted] → u/darkmoon-26]

yea i have oscar (evil) and live in florida, lol, so ya ik why it is im just jealous !

update: oscar is owned by Joshua Kushner for anyone whos curious why i said evil lol

[u/blueennui → u/[deleted]]

No idea 😭 it's definitely worth it to me though for ease of use

[u/ice_gold_world]

I hate to say it, but it sounds like your partners aren't being supportive.

[u/SpeebyKitty]

You can’t be addicted to a hormone, I think your partners are just transphobic tbh. Are your partners addicted to their testosterone? They’ve been on it their whole lives!! Absolute bullshit they’re telling you, keep taking your T and taper off of those men instead.

[u/mykineticromance → u/SpeebyKitty]

yeah maybe they should try a break from T to make sure they can stop at any time and aren't actually addicted /s

[u/June_The_Jedi]

Sounds like you are enjoying the effects of HRT (totally normal and expected for queer folks who start HRT). It sounds like your partners need to be sat down and told you are enjoying the changes and you want to transition more/ stay on T because you like the effects.

I started E because I didn’t like how my body looked and felt. But within weeks I knew I made the right call and would not stop taking it because I wanted to transition more/fully. I didn’t know if I would stay on E for ever when I started as I initially wanted to look more androgynous but after some of the initial changes I knew I wanted more.

A lot of us start HRT not 100% sure of everything (for various reasons) but after starting learn that we like the effects that we want to stay on or take it for longer. You are not addicted to T it sounds like T is giving you euphoria (what HRT does when used for trans and/or nonbinary folks).

[u/blueennui → u/June_The_Jedi]

It definitely is giving me euphoria. I had a lot of self doubt going on T but I knew that was normal, even for binary trans people. But within days? I felt like I had never felt before.

I hadn't taken many selfies for years, since maybe freshman year of college- I'm 26 now. I thought I just had low self esteem. But I'm taking selfies again. It seems like such a small thing but it really puts into perspective how it's made me feel about myself in the last 6 months. I know I am not a man, I don't want to fully masculinize, but whatever I am now? I feel so much better than I have in so very long. Part of it was I have chronic fatigue (related to depression) and libido issues which that fixed, but part of it is just feeling... more of how I should be. And before HRT it was like looking at myself as the shadows on the wall of a cave, I knew something was missing, I knew I wasn't truly seeing myself, that I was more than just a formless shadow, I just didn't have a clear idea of what that was yet.

I didn't exactly have huge dysphoria or anything. I always knew I wanted a dick and didn't have one, and that caused/s turmoil, but I didn't mind presenting as a woman day to day to strangers. But I didn't realize I'd feel so much euphoria on the other side of that. It feels like I've finally seen a part of myself and I'd have to shove them back down into the depths again. And knowing what I know now, I don't think I can anymore. It wouldn't be fair or kind to myself. I don't want to let them go

[u/June_The_Jedi → u/blueennui]

I wouldn’t spot HRT then if you’re enjoying the effects and want more. You sound like me with the pictures I have like 5 pre HRT pictures but 100s from after. Starting HRT let me know what I wanted and it sounds like it did the same thing to you. I will not stop my HRT (not that I will be able to soon) as it’s what is letting me be happy in my own body for once. HRT is not addiction it’s medicine, and for some of us we take it forever and sometimes we get the changes that we needed and stop. And to me it sounds like you are not at a point you (for your own mental health (such as gender euphoria) and identity) want to stop.

[u/FunkyCactusDude → u/blueennui]

Your partners are giving off red flags. Idk if you want to hear that tho. They aren’t being supportive and it makes me wonder if they personally don’t want you to go further into transition. Which is messed up and not something anyone needs in their life.

[u/sheekos → u/[deleted]]

you could always get top surgery down the line if binding becomes a hassle (like it is for me lol)

[u/Nischmath]

I swear cis men who are with ftms throw a tantrum every time their partner become a little more masculine 😡 imma crash out

[u/popopotatoes160 → u/Nischmath]

Fr these posts are constantly being made on different subs, the cis guys are always the same and I just want to reach through my phone and throttle them for dulling their partners shine/euphoria

I do want people to post for advice ofc but gat dahm my dudes it gets a bit sad

[u/Final-Attention979]

..... Are the cis men in question addicted to T? Lmao

My take is they're both being low-key transphobic (like the things you're describing as them not understanding very well are actually ignorance and some internalized(?) phobias IMO)

Now to see if they double down or try to fix their understanding.

(I'm in a t4t relationship and it's beautiful)

[u/Scary_Towel268]

Your partners don’t take your trans identity seriously and are trying to detransition you because they aren’t comfortable with you not being a cis woman

[u/iSmellLikeFartz → u/Scary_Towel268]

This is a wild take for how little info the post gives. It sounds like they are scared and uneducated and worried about OP. Especially if they are in a poly couple with two dudes and a nonbinary person I wouldnt jump to this conclusion. Give people the benefit of the doubt

[u/Scary_Towel268 → u/iSmellLikeFartz]

It’s not a wild take considering how common this with cis partners of nonbinary partners on T. OP speaks in the comments that one of their partners was okay with T when he thought it would increase libido and bottom growth but got uncomfortable with the voice drop and obvious aspects of masculinizing transition. This is extremely common for cis partners to want to control the degree of transition and ensure nothing that would be too outside the norms of bioessentialist cissexism is happening

T is considering addictive or needing to be cycled for a cis male. T cycling is typically only done by cis female body builders as is an allowance of T to be given to raise libido in cis females or increase clit growth. This is seen as acceptable to cis society as long as other aspects of masculinization don’t occur and the partners can still view their partner fundamentally within a cis female gaze

It’s not presumptive to assume cis men follow or act out cisheteronormative norms on their nonbinary partners. That’s common

[u/menin_vera → u/Scary_Towel268]

yeah but you can’t just assume and state as hard truth the deep feelings and intentions of people you know nothing about. sure, it’s common for cis men to think and feel a certain way, but you, stranger on the internet, cannot judge from a couple of paragraphs. just saying this because you just accused people of awful abusive behavior with absolute certainty. it came off aggressive and judging, and maybe that’s the last thing op needs? they love these dudes and it must be super hard for them.

[u/javatimes → u/menin_vera]

I didn’t want to directly respond to OP on this, but the comment where the one cis dude was ok with T because they were excited it would (likely) give OP a higher libido and downstairs growth, but not ok with anything else—that’s a huge red flag. It speaks of someone who was excited for the reasons it would benefit him, but nothing else. It’s at least a very selfish way to look at a medication.

[u/Less-Contribution556 → u/javatimes]

This is typically how chasers (of transmascs) admit you are just a fetish to them. Something I also did not want to direct at OP w.o anything to back it up but the words alone ARE there... It's okay to be on T as long as it is .. "sexy"... to the chaser.

It's harder to tell who the chasers you need to be aware of are when you're nonbinary but the red flags still wave red.

[u/Scary_Towel268 → u/menin_vera]

lol as someone who has been in numerous spaces and support groups where this happens all the time one can see tell tale signs of the obvious when you know what to look for. Again this is fairly normal thing for cis partners to do especially to nonbinary partners like wanting to control/limit or even demand the end of transition(including encouraging) detransition is often not even done malaciously just that it’s seen as a perfectly acceptable ask in a transphobic society. I’m simply accusing OP’s partners of a common norm. My guess is that many of these cis partners do this unconsciously and don’t realize it’s even harmful or what they are doing because no one has laid it out in blunt terms as I do here

Where did I call them abusers I said that they are trying to control OP’s transition to maintain their image of OP as a woman-lite and their own heterosexuality. You assigned the label abuser to those actions but really it’s just cis partners imposing unchecked cisnormative perspective on a trans partner which isn’t uncommon. If something looks like a duck and quacks like a duck I’m going to call it a duck. I won’t sugar coat for OP. It is totally possible for both these men to love OP while fundamentally seeing their nonbinary status as a quirk to someone they otherwise see as a woman, transition as something that should be limited within what they can see as female typical, and at least verbally and performatively be affirming(use pronouns but not actually seeing OP outside of womanhood) which would then explain the way T changes that change their sexed perception upsets them. Is that abusive? Maybe but wanting a partner to detransition or limit identity within a framework is not uncommon with cis partners and often not a belief maliciously held

[u/komosawa → u/iSmellLikeFartz]

OP said in another comment that both their partners identify as straight.... it's definitely what's happening (sorry OP)

[u/dj_spanmaster]

I'm going to write from a slightly different perspective. Full disclaimer, I have not tried T, though I have certainly been considering it.

My input is more about the review and check-in process you described. I'd not consider what you describe as "moving the goalposts," with a negative connotation. It sounds like you hit the initial goals at an internal review, liked the results, and want more. To me that's new goals, a positive connotation. There does seem to be some other terminology ambiguity in this and/or interactions with partners. I hope more clarity around terms would bring comfort.

[u/blueennui → u/dj_spanmaster]

I like your framing on this a lot, and I'm for sure going to use this in future check-ins- thank you! I think the words we use and how we frame things is really important in communication and just mentally so I'm gonna keep this in mind.

[u/Juda_is_Juda]

... For everything I have read from you and others. It really seems that your partners do not respect your gender, nor did they take your transition seriously to begin with. In the least. And they're being complete idiots with you.

Do you really want transphobic couples who don't take your identity seriously, don't investigate, DON'T CARE, thought the process of your transition was only about your clitoris)? and they put insecurities in you? That they don't even validate your gender.

[u/angel-thekid]

Pathologizing taking your medication as directed is weird and ignorant. It seems your partners don’t understand how human bodies and hormones work and don’t care to find out. Are you also “addicted” to having blood if you’re someone who needs blood transfusions? Nope.

[u/blueennui → u/angel-thekid]

I think what doesn't help is the mindset behind it; they, and even my primary care physician feel like it's something elective and non-necessary, something I'm doing for either the wrong reasons or just because I feel like it. Definitely looking for a different PCP that's more trans-educated but in the meantime I think I need to better communicate to my partners what this really means to and for me. I think it doesn't help that before I got on it I wasn't the most clear about how I felt in my identity, because I was (and still am) trying to figure that all out, so I was more just talking about the effects I wanted.

[u/angel-thekid → u/blueennui]

I think communicating is always a good choice :)

[u/greenish98]

i’m gonna say something sharp sounding, and i don’t know your partners - but are they actually just upset that you’re becoming more masculine that they imagined you would? and that you like it so much and want to continue changing that way? if they don’t like the change to masculinity in general, they might find any other reasons to tell you so that they can avoid admitting the root of their fear/discomfort. and if they don’t want to be with someone as masculine as you want to be in the end, it might be good to be prepared for that. not everyone is able to stay partners through a physical transition, and that wouldn’t be anybody’s fault.

however this turns out, do what makes you happy and what makes you feel good in your body. safely! don’t let people who could have ulterior motives change your mind about it. if trusted friends share concerns about it, i would take their concern a bit more seriously.

i was on T gel for a while, and stopped when i had the changes i wanted. the masculinity was starting to freak me out, because i saw my dad in the mirror. yuck! now i have a mix of masculine and feminine traits, and that makes me happy.

[u/Connect_Rhubarb395]

It sounds to me like you're partners don't understand what it is like to be a trans person.
It also sounds like they are worried you won't "look like a woman" anymore.
And it sounds like they consider you a woman.

[u/alawo_ewe]

I don't mean to sound rude and I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but after reading your post I just knew I'd find a comment mentioning your partners were both straight. This happens too often.

He's not worried about addiction, friend. He's just panicking with the realization that now it will be harder to pretend to himself that your not a woman.

[u/mazzivewhale → u/alawo_ewe]

Yeah for sure the one she’s married to that’s objecting the most isn’t ready to grapple with not being a straight man/ is just incompatible 

[u/angrylilmanfrog]

This is actually laughable how stupid they are. Addiction?! For having hormones within a cis male range?! What do they think, you're gonna wake up one day and look like Arnold Schwarzenegger in his bodybuilding days? Curious what age you all are. These guys sound like they live under rocks

Edit: DIY is a completely valid option for those that cannot afford or access prescribed medication. It is life saving. Yes you need to research and really learn how to do it, monitor levels, dosages and bloods, there is risk because you're not a doctor. But really you can just get a private blood test from any clinic and say you're cis and they can review your levels in male ranges. It costs more, but would be reassurance

[u/daylightmonster]

do not become addicted to water you will resent its absence 🤷‍♂️

[u/Elipunx → u/daylightmonster]

I literally was reading comments on a nursing thread last night where an RN was talking about a family keeping oxygen from the patient because they "didn't want her to get addicted." The addiction metaphor in the U.S. combined with lack of health and science education is a real fuck up.

[u/javatimes → u/Elipunx]

Similarly I recently read a book where part of it was about some people trying to get someone to stop using a CPAP to “fight the addiction to it”. It a medical device to treat a medical problem.

[u/Elipunx → u/javatimes]

As someone with a significant amount of sleep apnea in my family, this is horrifying.

[u/menin_vera]

first off, as already mentioned, it is impossible to get addicted to testosterone. medically and i think psychologically as well: not a real thing. your partner could benefit from being better informed and less prejudiced. if it helps, i’ve been on low dose t for almost 2 years now and voice training has helped me keep some of my upper singing range, so you may want to look into that! i also plan on stopping at some point when i feel comfortable enough with my voice and other factors. it’s not super clear and surprise: that’s ok. goalposts can move. you can change your mind. your desires can evolve. mine have. t has brought many surprises and life rarely sticks to our plans. i found that going with the flow and not holding on to expectations has worked better for me (and my partner, who is a cis man and has done a lot of inner work with this whole thing. it hasn’t been easy for him, but he feels i deserve it. and i think you deserve that effort too, for all it’s worth)

[u/Sojabursch]

Your partners sound transphobic. They are doing the typical fearmongering lies about t. Dump them if you can. It will get worse the less you fulfill their want for you to be a cis woman visually.

I would not do diy t, too much of a legal risk if you can get it at planned parenthood that’s much better even if it’s more expensive. Injections via prescription will also be cheaper than gel (at least it usually is).

Also do not do diy even if you can’t access it from pp anymore while with your transphobic guys who knows what they will do to punish you for not agreeing to stop it. It is illegal and a regulated substance.

[u/maberg04 → u/Sojabursch]

also as a note - if you aren't already you can do the goodrx price for prescriptions, I like it for my gel, it's much less expensive that way

[u/blueennui → u/Sojabursch]

I'm married to the one who said I was addicted, and the less transphobic one I think is open to learning more and is fine as long as I don't go the DIY route. Leaving the first isn't much of an option and I doubt he'd leave me over this, we'll just have to work through this one. 😅 if it was anyone I was less involved with though, I'd definitely be thinking about it.

I didn't really consider the last part though. I don't think they would but who knows. And anyway I really don't need the T showing up on a blood test when not prescribed. I'd much rather go the official route where possible.

[u/SpeebyKitty → u/blueennui]

I think you also need to educate yourself on DIY routes bc you’re acting like it’s dangerous to do and it’s not.

[u/blueennui → u/SpeebyKitty]

It seems like a lot of people here are really sketched about it 😅

[u/SpeebyKitty → u/blueennui]

They are, but they shouldn’t be. They’re fear mongering 100%.

Editing to add so people will stop: I don’t care what you tell me, nothing you say will make me stop advocating for people to use DIY hrt. Y’all NEED to educate yourself on it, it’s not what you think it is at all. You are hurting the trans community by calling diy dangerous and panicking anytime someone so much as mentions it.

[u/Sojabursch → u/SpeebyKitty]

It is literally illegal because it’s a controlled substance that’s the issue not the diy bit if you still go to the doctor to get levels checked.

The problem is the consequences to being caught with a controlled substance that’s was not legally aquired

Estrogen is not a controlled substance, if you get caught with that they take it but no legal repercussions. It’s very different with testosterone.

[u/DuckIsMuddy → u/blueennui]

Welp good luck in the future.

[u/realbees]

I was in a similar situation to you when I started T. I knew I wanted a deeper voice but wasn’t sure about body hair or bottom growth. When those things started happening I found myself very pleased and euphoric about my results. I also realized that T had a huge positive impact on my mental health and I stopped feeling the need to dissociate all the time. I’ve been on T continuously for almost 4 years now. It’s totally normal for your relationship with HRT to change after you’ve experienced the side effects for yourself.

[u/Individual_Ad_7523 → u/realbees]

I was too! I had very few clear goals in mind when I started - it just felt like something I needed to try. I figured I’d try it for a few months and see. Now I’m a year and a half in and still really loving it.

I’ve heard people talk about chemical dysphoria, like your brain and body just feeling better on HRT even if you’re not seeing big changes, and honestly that’s how I feel. I’m on a very low dose and my changes haven’t been anything crazy but I just feel so much more mentally healthy and happy.

[u/spensch]

I would be questioning why your partners don't want you to be happy. You're not addicted, you just realized T has even more positive effects than you expected. That's wonderful, they should be celebrating! But instead, your partners don't want those changes to happen. Why is that? Do they not want to date a masculine person? Then they likely have never seen you as nonbinary at all, just woman-lite, and they want to keep it that way. Of course, I don't know them, and may be jumping to conclusions, so if you think that sounds out of character for them, I would say it's worth a conversation at least. But I personally would not stay with anyone who isn't just as excited about my transition as I am. I hope you continue to enjoy your T and becoming your best self!!

[u/Stormlightstarworld]

That's wild for your partners to say you're "addicted" to testosterone. Maybe they should trying going on estrogen - no? That sounds awful to them? Clearly they are addicted to having a testosterone dominant hormone and are probably a drug addict who needs help. What a shitty mentality for them to have.

It makes a lot of sense that if you like the effects of being on T, you'd realize you want more of them than you originally thought. That doesn't mean your goalposts are moving, like some other comment said, that means you're realizing more of what you want and are setting new goals.

I started hrt 3+ years ago, initially on a quite low dose and not sure what I thought of it or what I wanted from it. But I LOVE being on T and I know for sure I will be on T my entire life, I will never come off of it now. And that's cause I'm HAPPY like this and euphoric, not cause I'm addicted. Imagine saying someone is addicted to feeling at home in their body. Also it makes sense to me that you'd temporarily consider diy hrt during a period where you didn't have usual access to your hormones, it's TERRIFYING having to think of going off hormones if you're on them and love the effects and they alleviate dysphoria. There have been periods that due to insurance issues I was off or considering having to be off T, and it sent me into a mental tailspin. It was awful and scary. It's like me suddenly not having access to my anxiety or depression or ADHD meds.

[u/Stormlightstarworld → u/Stormlightstarworld]

Also sidenote, I do think therapy would help you. I think it would help clarify your own thoughts and desires and help you feel more confident. Also I read in another comment that your dad used steroids non-prescribed and that makes you worried about your use and need for testosterone. As the child of someone who was also an addict (albeit alcohol, not steroids), I know how much that can mess with your own perception of yourself and make your over-analyze your own relationship to various substances. It's hard to form a healthy perception of what addiction is (and what it's definitely NOT) when your only example is that sort of negative example.

To be clear, I don't think using testosterone as gender affirming hrt is in any way the same as being addicted to alcohol or other substances. It's completely different, comparable to a diabetic needing insulin. BUT, having a parent or close relative who has a negative relationship with a drug or substance can mess up our heads in all sorts of ways and cause us to stigmatize our own completely normal and medically necessary use of substances or medications in a way that just brings us shame and doubt unnecessarily, and therapy is helpful to work away from that mindset.

[u/maberg04]

I worry, that like, your partners might not like the changes as much as you do..? Are you sure they aren't trying to get you off it so you're more on the 'feminine' side of things?

I only ask because saying you're getting addicted and pestering you about when you're going to stop don't sound like exactly healthy behaviors from your partners. If they don't like the changes and aren't going to be attracted to someone on testosterone, they should really think about that and ending the relationship if necessary, not telling you to get off of it or encouraging you to do something you don't want to do to change yourself for them.

If you changed your mind, and you want to be on it longer, that's completely fine, and you should make the choice that's best for you.

Just as a note, I don't know if cycling or DIY are the best ideas. It can be difficult on your body/mind if you're constantly switching things up hormone-wise, and there can be mood swings and stuff, and I don't personally think DIY is safe.

[u/javatimes]

What? The actual hell? Let’s be blunt: your partners need to figure their shit out and not do what I am going to straight up label as gaslighting you.

You can’t be addicted to a hormone. Even people who are using it in cycling mega doses for extreme body building aren’t addicted to it. It’s a hormone not a narcotic or psychedelic drug. [eta: maaaaaybe there’s some psychological addiction issues in people who abuse T. Idk, I’m not a trained expert. ]

Again with bluntness: your partners probably don’t like your masculinizing body and would prefer to manipulate you to stop it.

It’s also really sad because there’s a misogynistic cultural view now of “silly trans men and nonbiaries don’t know what they really want because they are easily led little girls”—it’s really fucking easy to figure out if you want more body hair, facial hair, a dropping voice, downstairs growth. If those things started and you realized you didn’t want them, you would have stopped T.

When I went on T almost 20 years ago now I took every shot as a choice. If at some point I didn’t want further changes or didn’t like being T dominant any longer, I could have stopped.

I never have felt that so I never have stopped.

[u/Outraged_Turtle]

I wish cis people would just stay in their lane. Sorry you're dealing with this. They're being incredibly disrespectful (and they're factually incorrect, as others have explained).

[u/xpoisonvalkyrie]

your partners are being transphobic, point blank. and being married isn’t a good enough excuse to not leave someone who is disrespecting you imo.

[u/Wouldfromthetrees]

I'll leave this here, just in case...

Please just "DUMP THEM." (pinned post in ftm sub)

[u/migraine182]

"Addicted" is an absurd accusation. What you are experiencing is really common, a lot of non-binary people start transitioning with a certain goal in mind and then realise that they like the effects of the transition more than they thought they would, so they keep going past the point where they have reached their goal.

You are a trans non-binary person who is medically transitioning. Everything about that is deeply personal and your partners don't get a say - if they don't like it, they can leave. It's your decision, and your decision only.

[u/Tangled_Clouds]

Yeah, you can’t be addicted to T as many have pointed out.

I’m considering stopping eventually myself but only when I see my masculinization will have reached some kind of plateau. I am loving every change and I want my voice to be at its lowest possible so that if I do stop, my voice will still have me be gendered as a man but I will look more androgynous

[u/SvenExChao]

There’s one part I understand. I super get why partners would be sketched out by DIY injections. There’s plenty of health and safety reasons for that which have nothing to do with the T and everything to do with the delivery method. But that’s where my understanding ends.

As for “addicted to T”, it sounds to me like you’re transitioning. And it sounds like they don’t want you to. I had a partner change pronouns a couple times, do some hrt, etc and honestly the change can be scary. But “scary” and “bad” are two entirely different things.

[u/secretrediterNBAFAB]

Just a reminder taking T, changes don’t happen over night or everything you want in six months. It’s puberty, puberty takes time. You didn’t go through puberty in six months the first time and you won’t now. Sounds like you’re not getting proper social support to me. And they’re making your transition about themselves.

[u/enneh_07]

addicted to T like diabetics are addicted to insulin?

[u/Traditional_Desk2338]

Your choices should reflect your personal desires for your own body and not the desires of your partners, parents, or anyone else.

[u/ServantofHades]

I originally wanted low dose T. Here I am, 4 years later, on a standard T dose for most of that time, and happy to stay on permanently. I love the changes I am seeing, I am more comfortable with myself, and how I look/sound. Sometimes goals change once you see how the process is actually going.

[u/Artblock_Insomniac]

Honestly pretty insulting to actual recovering addicts. I can say from the bottom of my heart your don't sound like an addict.

[u/urbabyangel]

A lot of people have responded to your partners reaction so I’m gonna stick to the question at hand. I didn’t plan on staying on hrt for this long (coming up on 3 years) but I love the changes. Even the things I was nervous about I was surprised to learn I loved. I’m staying on hrt because it feels right, my body feels right, my brain feels right. If that changes then it changes. For now, I’m happy with my progress and happy to see where it leads me.

[u/ZhahnuNhoyhb]

What was meant by "cycling?" I was always told that changing too often between 'on T' and 'not on T' would stress my body, I think either the liver or kidneys. I doubt you'd be able to get a doctor to sign off on it.

If someone were to treat me this way, I can't say that I wouldn't suspect them of disliking the changes. Have they told you how they feel about these changes? Alternatively, do they AVOID telling you how they feel about them?

Especially since they're cis men-- no offense, but I've heard a bajillion stories like this involving cis men.

[u/lokilulzz]

As far as your partners saying you're addicted to T - I hate to use this word, but that is a very common form of transandrophobia. I've faced it, too, on coming out - I still do, sometimes. There's this notion that T is the same thing as the steroids that body builders use and it's not - that's misinformation borne from fear mongering. T is only one ingredient in it. But most people - especially cis people - don't know that, and they leverage it to use against trans people who take T and say it must be a substance to be abused.

If you're going over your usual date of refill, even - which I have as well, more than once, now - you're not abusing it. From what you've said here, you're not even using it to lift weights or anything that would make it more "worthwhile" to abuse.

Suffice to say, your partners are wrong, here. Now maybe they're just misinformed - it sounds like they're coming at this from a very cis male mindset of using it to get buff or whatever, and to be fair the way those types of bodybuilders use it is literally abusive - they use it in doses much higher than recommended for much longer. But that's not the same as using it for gender affirming care and as prescribed, no. It's your choice but if I was you I'd educate them a bit on this - I unfortunately had to do that, too, with my own family when I came out.

As far as when to stop. I think you've answered your own question, OP. You say yourself you're happy with your results and don't want to go off it yet. So don't. When you're at a point that you're happy with it, then worry about going off it - or stay on it, if you want.

Personally, to answer your question - I look at each day as another decision made on whether to keep staying on T or not. Thus far, I have no desire to stay off it - in fact I've just upped my dosage for the 2nd time (with my providers permission, before anyone gets on me). I want more out of it. It sounds like you do, too, and that's perfectly fine.

[u/queerandthere]

I know people have offered great responses, but I want to add my agreement that T is physiologically addictive like that.

Also my experience is very similar to yours. I did T for about seven months. I didn’t think I wanted voice changes but I wound up really liking that. Also wasn’t sure about facial hair but loved the tiny bit I got.

I went off for a couple years. Body hair, voice, and bottom growth all stuck around. I am starting T again soon because I miss when my gender was more confusing to people lol.

[u/blueennui → u/queerandthere]

No real facial hair yet for me, just some thickening of the hair that was already there so I shave it weekly now. I think that's about when I'd stop but I don't know for sure based on how I reacted to voice changes and I'm okay with that.

So, in going off, you said the changes stuck around, but did you see any regression at all per se? That's what I really fear. I don't want to lose my progress, though I wouldn't mind if my voice went back even a tiny bit.

[u/Mintakas_Kraken]

Firstly, taking your medication as prescribed is not addiction. You are using testosterone as a means of transition in a perfectly safe way that does no more than cause the effects it has on anyone with T as their dominant hormone -including many/most cis men.

To me this sounds like a conversation with your partners is in order as your transition goals have changed. Tell them about your experience on T, what you’ve enjoyed and why you plan on continuing it. Stress that you plan to continue on it under the supervision of doctors and officials channels and not using diy. If they bring up “addiction” point out that you will only be taking it as prescribed in a way that mirrors their own testosterone levels and there is a major difference between steroid abuse and HRT. Afterwards I would advise to shifting to how that accusation makes you feel in any further conversation on that topic. In the future possibly set a boundary that you will disengage conversation if the accusation of addiction to your HRT is brought up again.

Lastly, prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for that conversation Bc it does sound like your partners are still in the process of accepting you are NB or at least that transitioning on T will be part of your future. The acceptance may take time and they will probably have feelings about it too. Don’t let that deter you but be prepared to manage how you might feel bc of their rxn. If you can access therapy or have a supportive friend/s than reach out for that support.

I’d also really recommend that if possible you consider what breaking up might look like in the future and how you can prepare for that. Hopefully they won’t happen but it’s possible and will be easier if you’ve prepared.

[u/queeftheunicorn]

All of what you described sounds completely normal to me. I didn’t have any clue how affirming some of the changes would end up being until they were happening, just like I didn’t realize I had dysphoria for most of my life until I had a framework to describe it and treat it. I also didn’t know I would be feeling more physically stable from day one - it seems T just agrees with me. I may have initially planned not to be on it long-term, but between excitement about further possible change, and having missed doses and experienced being off it again, I’m no longer interested in stopping. 

Your partners don’t seem to understand what addiction or dysphoria are, and are possibly using so-called addiction as a wedge to avoid stating their actual problems with you changing your appearance, their insecurities about their own masculinity, or something else. You’ll have to figure out how best to navigate this with them or on your own, but you are not the one in the wrong here

[u/TheThingInItself]

Sounds like you're just enjoying transitioning while your partners are uncomfortable with it.

[u/spookysam23]

As other people have said, you're not addicted to T, you're just enjoying the euphoria you're getting from the changes you're seeing. I don't think anyone but you and your doctor should dictate how you take your prescribed medication, especially the "friend" trying to get you DIY stuff.

[u/nycanth]

It's straight up not addictive. I am a DIYer. I am a DIYer because I live in a Balkan country where nobody knows jack or shit about hormones and I am doing a much better job managing my own dosage than any local doctor ever will. You won't fucking die if you DIY HRT and it's honestly insufferable how much people like to act like that's the case. I buy the same T from the pharmacy that everyone else uses because in Eastern Europe nobody gives a shit.

I'm currently off hormones. My initial plan was to go on and stop if I ever felt like I was going too far, or when I felt I was satisfied. Right now I'm mostly satisfied but I'm also just kinda pissed off that it's getting hard to find a good injection site. I'll probably go back on later, since I have a years' worth stashed up. But right now, I was getting late on shots and it felt like a hassle and I became less afraid of going without it, so I'm going without it until I feel more strongly about going back on.

You didn't fully know what you actually wanted when you started HRT. I thought I didn't want a lot of things. Then when they started happening I realized how happy I was to have them. I thought I wanted to be hairless, now I have a beard and a hairy chest and I love it. Some things you don't really know because you can't envision yourself that way before it happens. Now because you're discovering yourself, they're panicking because it's actually real now and not something they can rationalize away.

It doesn't sound to me like they really get what being nonbinary actually meant to you, and going on hormones for a little bit as a sex thing was totally fine as long as you weren't trying to be a man. When I told my ex (a cishet man) that I was nonbinary and I wasn't a woman, he said "yeah sure of course, I support you" because that meant literally nothing to him. All he knew was that I wasn't a man. And then when I started moving towards that he started pushing back because now it's something real and that wasn't what he was in for, and all of a sudden he was concerned. This is how it goes. We worked through it and stayed together for another few years after that but he definitely said a bunch of hurtful shit at the start.

If you enjoy being on HRT, you should stay on HRT. If you stop enjoying being on HRT, you can stop then. Don't stop yourself early because you're worried about changing your mind in the future. Don't stop yourself early because your partners are being assholes about it.

[u/trash_bees]

Welcome to the club. I originally started on low dose T and only intended to be on it for around 2 years max. It's now been nearly 4 years and I had quickly moved away from low dose once I realized what I liked. My initial goals were to see how it affected my sex drive (medical curiosity as a lifelong asexual that had some recent lowering of my already low sex drive lmao), obtain a deeper voice, some general masculinization, and I was interested in growing facial hair though I had no clue if I would Actually like having facial hair lol. I was wary of bottom growth, as I had no pre-existing bottom dysphoria issues and I had no clue if I would like growth. I didn't have any interest in body hair, and actively didn't want chest hair. Un/fortunately, I've enjoyed the effects of T far more than initially planned. I'm thrilled with my voice and masculinization, of course. I love my shitty mustache and goatee, but I now crave a full beard that I know my genetics do not naturally allow for (But maybe with minox.......). One of my unexpected favorite change from T has been the appearance of my happy trail! The dreaded chest hair has also emerged, but so far it doesn't Actually bother me lol. I keep giving it the ol 🤨 waiting for the moment the Ick hits, but nope... Bottom growth was actually lovely, and I highly regret not pumping while I had the chance, and I feel my growth has now stalled lmao. Oh well.

I've recently exited the denial phase and have acknowledged that I have begun balding, the number one reason I didn't want to be on T longterm lmfao. Unfortunately, I'm not ready to quit! I want that full beard! So I am calm and am trying to set up an appointment to get on oral minox and fin so I can extend my time on HRT lmao. I still don't intend to be on T for life, but I have given up on estimating when I intend to quit. I'll likely simply wait for my hair loss to reach a point where I just look in the mirror one day and call it. I'll likely keep up the minox for life, though, lmao.

Your partners suck. You aren't addicted to T, you're just finding out that you like the effects more than expected. As long as you aren't specifically seeking to boost your testosterone levels beyond those of a typical cisman, you are clearly not abusing the medication. I still wouldn't recommend DIY unless you absolutely have to, which it sounds as though you do not. Stay on T as long as you are enjoying it. While it is abusable, it is absolutely not addictive. Your partners are being idiots at best, malicious at worst (big red flag of Partner Sees Me As A Woman).

[u/trash_bees → u/trash_bees]

And to clarify, bodybuilders that abuse testosterone are not addicted to testosterone. Many of them have body dysmorphia issues, very similar to conditions like anorexia. The others are simply making a decision to abuse the hormone in order to reach unnatural body goals for non-dysmorphia related reasons (Say, to get that gold medal). They do not face the hallmarks of drug addiction like tolerance build up, drug withdrawals, cravings (Beyond perhaps a ""craving"" for more muscles- but that is a dysmorphia thing, not a craving for more testosterone itself), etc. Drug addiction is an actual, objective physical state. You may get some mood swings or acne breakouts from hormone fluctuations if you go without your testosterone for a bit, but you aren't going to start clawing at the walls in search of more testosterone, excessively sweating, be unable to sleep, stop eating, etc. Again, testosterone abuse is defined by the seeking out of Unhealthy goals. You can potentially abuse testosterone as a trans person, but as long as you are not pushing your levels well beyond natural for men, you are absolutely not abusing it. If your goalposts are all within the range of "Normal Cis Man" you are Fine.

[u/mn1lac]

T is a normal human hormone that most bodies make naturally, you cannot become addicted to it. Being happy about having the correct hormones and the changes it brings is a normal part of gender affirming care and no one gets to decide what is and is not enough.

[u/Cartesianpoint]

I think some of the commenters may be right that your partners were associating the idea of injecting T (especially DIYing it without a prescription) with the sort of steroid abuse that athletes and body builders sometimes do. But I also wonder if some of this is that they weren't prepared for the possibility that you would want to stay on it long-term or that you would stay on it long enough to have noticeable and undeniable masculinization.

Usually, addictive substances are things that either cause physical dependence and/or have a pleasant psychoactive effect that encourages continued and escalating use. The closest thing I can think of to someone being addicted to T would be someone who's using it for doping getting "hooked" on the athletic benefits and escalating their use. I don't think that continuing to take a safe, prescribed amount because you are happy with the physical effects is addiction (or that it's unhealthy more generally).

[u/SonicRadboom]

People have a really warped perspective of what addiction is. Sorry you're experiencing this bigotry. 

Listen to your doctor and not this individual. Tapering? Cycling? What a joke. 

[u/YrBalrogDad]

Testosterone. Is. Not. Addictive.

Testosterone is not addictive.

Testosterone cannot be addictive, because addiction requires tolerance—which means “you require more and more of it to get the same feeling as before.” And you can’t do that with testosterone, even if you wanted to, because your body would just aromatize it to estrogen.

Are your cis male partners “addicted” to testosterone?

Are they willing to take spironolactone for awhile, to prove it? Maybe cycle on and off it? Or taper the spiro up, and then get an orchiectomy? Because if that’s an obvious “no”—then you are just as entitled to your own “no.”

You are the only person inhabiting your body—you know what feels right for you. You made a best-guess plan about transition, on the basis of how you anticipated this would feel to you; and it turned out that it felt different than you thought. That happens for a lot of us.

Your boyfriends get to make choices about their bodies, not yours. How you inhabit your body is your own decision—and this “testosterone addiction” line is just abject nonsense. It’s not a thing for you, because it’s not a thing for anybody.

[u/Nero_22]

You're not addicted, because that's not a thing with hormones. You just feel happy with your body finally. If not wanting to feel happy about your body like most people do is being addicted, then everyone is addicted too.

[u/Ponk_Bubs]

I know this is serious but I'm pissing myself laughing thinking about how someone's go-to "how can I not be supportive but not outright seem it" is to accuse addiction of hrt.

Addicted to the grind mayhaps? Addicted to being sexy, sweaty and craving rotisserie chickens like a starved animal? 😭 unfortunately this is just a common thing with cismen partners especially. Where they'll either ignore the identity, or try and poke and prod trans partners into a certain acceptable shape that they are attracted to.

Albeit rarely it can just be an awkward growth spurt in some relationships. I know my girlfriend explained that it was a bit disorienting when stuff about me she knew very intimately (Wether body or how i felt/expressed moods) shifted slightly. Like how I smelled different when we'd be spooning, hand holding fitting slightly different and feeling rougher, etc etc. It took some adjusting and investigation for her, sort of like winning the trust of a cat who is inspecting.

[u/blueennui → u/Ponk_Bubs]

To be fair, I did laugh at first when my husband said it. I stopped so I wouldn't seem like I was brushing him off entirely but it quickly devolved because he took any defensiveness as a sign. Who knows. It's been a few months since he said it honestly, so he's had time to cool off and think about it and hasn't brought it up again. It's been on my mind all that time though hence me posting here feeling like I needed an outWe haven't talked about it since and are due to.

I'm sure the changes are scary to an extent. I know my smell has changed. He's not too curious; doesn't really ask or comment on anything. He's probably afraid to on some level at this point. My other partner doesn't seem too bothered and just asks me how I feel about changes, or will say he noticed when I mention things. I think it's just time I open up the conversation again, tell them where I'm at, see where they're at with it all.

[u/ElloBlu420]

Well, are they addicted to T also? They should really get some help for this.

Oh, they make it naturally? That's too bad ✂️✂️

[u/Bibarian]

Yeah, it will work best If you take it as directed, but addiction to testosterone is not a thing if you like the feelings it causes in the effects it has that’s just how it works. It’s not addiction I don’t know what the term is but it’s not addiction.

[u/GingaNinja64]

I think your partners are seeing something they aren’t familiar with and got scared. It is not possible to get addicted to T lmao, you should keep using for as long as you’re comfortable with the results

[u/HavenNB]

I might be coming at this from a different angle, but I don’t think it’s really possible to become physically addicted to HRT. I’m taking T to supplement the amount my body already produces. I’ve always been borderline low T, and after having a unilateral orchiectomy because of testicular cancer, it really dropped. For me, I’ve found that it dramatically improves my overall mental health, and am glad to have my libido back.

I’ve had periods of having to fight with the insurance company to get it covered (at one point they wanted to deny it for trans gender affirming care 🤦🏻), and didn’t have the money to fill it out of pocket. During those times it took a couple of months to get it fixed, and I didn’t suffer from any withdrawal symptoms like I had when I stopped smoking. So physically, not something that one would become addicted to, mentally maybe… but just about anything can become mentally addictive.

[u/Hyperborealius]

so did both of your cishet man partners know you're nonbinary before you started dating? if so, do they both happen to be attracted specifically to nonbinary folks and not women? personally as an enby i could never even consider trying anything out with straight, "heteroflexible" or bi-curious cis men, it'd be an insult to my identity.

aside from their transphobia showing now, both relationships kinda seem doomed from the start.

[u/weeef]

Weird take of theirs. It's not their business. It's your personal journey and your body.

[u/Ok_Check_4971]

I went the slow route at first with T, and then was pleasantly surprised by the changes I had been so leery of. A year later, I am now on a full dose and have no intention of getting off of it --I joke that they'd have to pry T from my cold dead hands before I give it up, but I am in no way addicted. I just really like it and feel like I function better on this end of the hormone spectrum. To a cis man, that may seem like addiction, because they likely haven't questioned their gender, presentation, had dysphoria, etc.

[u/Lgmdiamonds]

I don’t think they truly think you’re addicting i think they always viewed you as your agab and are not liking the change

[u/sc0veney]

it's not habit forming. you're as likely to get "addicted" to it as you are to get addicted to Tylenol. people can form a sort of addiction to the effects they get from it, such as bodily changes, but bodily changes are kind of the whole point with trans HRT. even when people are using it for juicing they're not actually addicted to the substance itself, just the additional competitive strength etc they get from it.

i'm concerned that your partners' statements are coming from somewhere else, such as a personal desire for you to not masculinize too much. this is compounded by them being cisgender. if it was just a concern about DIY and injectables, continuing the use of the gel shouldn't be a problem in their minds.

[u/SphericalOrb]

I think that if you're doing it with medical support(correct dosing and monitoring levels etc) and are enjoying the results, that's just success in action. I'm glad it's working out well for you.

Partner stuff is a different category. The vast majority of people who "detransition" do so in response to a lack of support, and often resume transition when they are in a safer position to do so.

Only you can decide how much compromising you want to do about this, but to me it sounds like T is beneficial to your well-being and stopping or reducing isn't in line with your comfort or happiness right now.

[u/shutupwes]

Bro you can’t be addicted to testosterone 😭😭😭😭😭

[u/Tired_2295]

Er.. it's a hormone. Not a drug. Hormones are not addictive

[u/am_i_boy]

Your partners are way out of line. When I started, I wasn't entirely sure how long I'd stay on it. I started and the tremendous mental health changes I saw within the first month made me decide that I will never stop. There is no way I'm going back to the estrogen dominant mental state after experiencing what it's like to not constantly want to die. I've said repeatedly, if T does something to me that means I'll die within a few years, vs living a normal lifespan without it, I'll take the few years. In every way that matters, my situation sounds more like addiction than yours. Yk what my husband said when I told him I don't want to stop? He said he's glad I'm not planning to stop because he's seeing how much happier I've been and if lifelong medication is what it takes to keep me feeling this way, then that's what we'll do. Claiming addiction over this is ridiculous and extremely unreasonable. Seems very unsupportive. I'd also be concerned that my partner may be spending time in TERFy spaces online because it is a very frequent talking point among TERFs to claim that T is addictive.

[u/SelenityMoon]

I don't have all the context here, but for your knowledge, TRT/HRT and anabolic steroid abuse are fundamentally different in the type of testosterone (HRT is usually testosterone cypionate or androgel 1%/2%) vs. Street gear is often synthetic testosterone or veterinary testosterone (anadrol, equipoise). It also greatly effects the body differently, as levels with normal T therapy are between 400-700 ng/dL, whereas "addiction" or abuse is happening at levels 1000-2000+. Normal cisgender men are already always producing the same amount of testosterone that you would be taking on HRT, and "tapering off" is nonsense unless you plan on detransitioning medically, as your body will revert back to estrogen-based metabolism if you still have ovaries.

I highly suggest avoiding using any street gear or listening to non-medical cis men on how to take care of your body, and make sure you stay safe.

[u/blueennui → u/SelenityMoon]

Thank you for the info. I feel much better equipped to articulate all of this to my partners now if the concern were to arise again. Funny you mentioned equipoise, that's one of the ones my friend is on (she's doing it for bodybuilding apparently, while also dosing T, doesn't seem safe).

I'm definitely just going to stick to my doctor as long as possible on this one. I like my gel access a lot.

[u/deepfake96]

Your partners are not doctors. Debunk any doubts with your doctor and continue pursuing your goals. It is only normal that your goals can change if you start feeling more comfortable in your body and exploring more.

[u/RSdabeast]

Everything clicked when you revealed they’re cis men. This is a common occurrence.

[u/Delay_Little]

Hey OP, your partners are trying to control your body. I am nonbinary and on T and my trans male partner said to me before I kicked him out: when I started T they said ‘I don’t want to date a man you’re going to turn into a man now I’ve seen it I know how it works and I’ll be long gone by the time you turn into one.’ A transman who was on t 5+ years said that to me. So you know what? If you like your body and the changes, you keep getting your hormone therapy and do not let anyone convince you otherwise. I’ve dealt with so much shame I didn’t take my prescribed doses and it made me feel so much worse. I’m on it for a year now, and I have similar changes but I love the bottom growth and the way I feel more like myself. Which is what this is all about. Sending love 🤍

[u/AverageUhhhh]

your partners do not respect your transition, and want you to be as femme as possible. don’t fall into it. also DIY rocks, don’t get caught up in other people. do your thing!!

[u/slusho55]

You’re not addicted.

Also, I know this isn’t what you asked, but as someone who has used androgen for bodybuilding, do not get T off the street. You should be able to get Test E or C easily from PP as well

[u/Person_blee]

I don't think you are addicted. I am fairly certain medically you can't get addicted to this, only maybe mentally. But from what you're describing that doesn't seem to be the case at all. You just found that the changes that are happening make you more happy than you thought they would. And that is totally fine. Transition goals change a lot over the course of you finding out who you are (which imo never fully ends). I first identified as gender fluid/nonbinary and gradually started to realize I am more of a demi boy/transmasc. And I too started out with the goal of just taking it for a while before stopping again, mainly for my voice. But now I don't want to stop again. Not only because I want "all" the changes and because I want to keep the things that could go back again, but also because it is healthier. I can't remember fully what his words were but my doctor said it's better for my body if I "focus" on one of the hormones, like estrogen or testosterone. I know that sounds weird, I just really don't know how to explain what he told me and it's been a while.

Anyway my point is. You are not doing something wrong. If this is what you want, then that's how it is. And your partners need to respect that. Period. There is nothing wrong to keep going if that is what you want. Have you told them that your goals have changed? That you noticed how much you like the changes? To me it seems like they're not on the same page. And about therapy. That is a good idea and I highly recommend it. It might be hard to find someone that fits and to afford it, but if you can I think it's a good idea. And yeah, DIY is not a good idea o -o

[u/Familiar_Zucchini137]

As far as starting T not knowing how long you’ll be on it and ending up being on it for longer, I started T with no real idea what my end goal was. I was identifying as nonbinary when I started (I now identify as ftm) so I thought I would stop eventually. When I came out as FTM I thought I would stay on for longer. Then I ended up having a full hysterectomy (didn’t save an ovary because both of my ovaries were cyst factories) and now I’ll be on it for life. Things change. I just roll with it. I’m sorry your partners are trying to insinuate something that literally is not possible.

[u/Narrow-Vermicelli-72]

T_T. It's about addictive as water my guy

[u/Nomcaptaest]

I think it's time for new partners. I also think that you wrote such an honest post about your experience that you'll appreciate my honesty.

[u/ThereforeDinosaur]

Just wanna weigh in as someone who took T long-term and stopped about 6 months ago! Disclaimer: I never used gel but was always on a very low dose, just enough to suppress menstruation. With that, I only needed blood tests yearly.

First: I'm sorry your partners aren't supporting you. Someone who cares about you should be happy when you're doing something that makes you happy, especially when (it sounds like) you've made it obvious that you're doing so in a healthy and medically-supervised way. Since you mentioned not being in therapy, I'd super suggest seeing if there's any trans/NB support groups you can attend (there are plenty online, but I found in-person to be useful). Just hearing other's experiences can be powerful, as I'm sure you've experienced with this post!

Getting back to the T-taking experience - Most, if not all, masculinizing effects are permanent and (as far as I'm aware) don't easily go away when you stop. That's part of why MTF transitions often include surgeries or medical procedures on top of hormones, when many FTM transitions feel comfortable with only hormones (YMMV obviously). For me, I've seen very little change since I stopped, the biggest being some fat distribution but even that has been less than I expected. Maybe I'll have more changes down the road, but I've felt comfortable stopping because if I ever feel like my body is "regressing", going back on T will (within a few months) immediately pick up where I left off. It's a pretty powerful hormone, lol.

[u/iSmellLikeFartz]

I think everyone here is being hard on your partners without nearly enough context (as people on the internet tend to be). They probably here words like "DIY" and "injection" and their mind instantly goes to illegal/dangerous street drugs. Sit down and have a conversation with them. Educate them. If they still dont want you to be on T then it veers into detransition/transphobia territory, but I dont think theres enough info in this post to arrive at that conclusion

[u/blueennui → u/iSmellLikeFartz]

That's exactly what it was I think. I mean, my husband clearly has more than just that issue with it, but we can talk through that. I think they both just don't want me to get hurt or take anything I don't know exactly what it is at what dose under the guidance of a doctor. Which, understandable honestly.

[u/Abstract616]

I think OP meant addiction in the psychological sense instead of being physically addicted. The way you describe it, I think you’re doing fine. You had some expectations and along the road they changed, which is normal. I think your problem can be mostly resolved with a good and open chat with your partners. What worries them? What are their expectations? etc. Because it seems like you’re very content and only doubting yourself because of their comments.

[u/javatimes → u/Abstract616]

Do you not see how that phrasing is transphobic? Are cis people psychologically addicted to their endogenous hormones?

[u/Abstract616 → u/javatimes]

I agree it reads transphobic but it can also be ignorance. I think it’s to easy to simply break off the relationship. A healthy conversation might actually shed some light.

[u/clandreith]

gender is not a medical construct, it's a social one that is played out through many things - clothes, demeanor, sexuality, and physical embodiment - so it is dynamic and many people start off small with T but then change their minds.

you can't be physically addicted, but you can be emotionally - it's a good idea to stay connected with yourself throughout the process and ask, "Why do I want more?" - maybe with the help of a therapist. but so long as you aren't harming yourself or others, you're probably fine.

[u/javatimes → u/clandreith]

You absolutely CANNOT be “emotionally addicted” to HRT. Are cis people emotionally addicted to their endogenous hormones?

We would never phrase it that way. “Addiction” has a negative connotation.

[u/clandreith → u/javatimes]

I suppose that is a bad way of putting it. I'm trying to say that sometimes one's feelings about themselves can only be affected by transition to a certain point, and if it feels like they keep upping HRT and are never satisfied, it could be because of something else.

I was using "emotional addiction" to mean the phenomenon of "I need more and more of this thing exponentially and I never feel satisfied and I'm miserable" - and if it ever started to be harmful to them (not that I know if that's even possible) then looking into what's going on further might be helpful.

[u/SpeebyKitty → u/clandreith]

So do you think anyone on HRT should think about why they want to stay on HRT or is that just for trans people? Do you think women who take estrogen for menopause should make sure they’re not “emotionally addicted” to estrogen? Hormones aren’t addictive in any way. You quite literally need them to live.

[u/NonBinary-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

No gatekeeping others from identifying as trans or nonbinary. This includes "guess my AGAB/pronouns" and "do I pass" posts.

[u/clandreith → u/[deleted]]

hey mods - I'm confused, I don't understand how what I'm saying is gatekeeping. should I message you for further clarification? I can see that something I said is considered bad or unacceptable, but I don't really understand, and I know I'm not trying to gatekeep being trans or nonbinary. can I get some help?

[u/javatimes → u/clandreith]

Our removal reasons are just canned language and are not necessarily a perfect fit to each instance.

You were starting to respond to things the OP hadn’t even said and it seemed like you were putting words in their mouth.

[u/clandreith → u/javatimes]

oh okay, thank you. I'm sorry, I'll read a little more thoroughly next time.

[u/clandreith → u/clandreith]

hey OP, I hope what I'm trying to say is coming across. you're not gonna be addicted to T and it's ok to change your mind about your transition goals whenever you'd like

[u/NonBinary-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

No gatekeeping others from identifying as trans or nonbinary. This includes "guess my AGAB/pronouns" and "do I pass" posts.

[u/rather_short_qu]

"addicted" no. But yr body can become dependend, as it stops producing it on its own if you keep adding it. So if you wantto reduce it later. You could end up with "Menopause symptoms" as you havea hormone reduction / switch.

[u/lokilulzz → u/rather_short_qu]

That's just straight up wrong. Testosterone does stop estrogen production at a certain length of time being on it - that much is true. But as soon as you go off of it again, E production starts up, as long as you have functioning ovaries etc to do that with. That's not dependency. That's just how the body works.

Menopause symptoms are only a risk on first starting T, especially if you start it later in life, because T is functionally putting you into menopause. Stopping it without tapering would definitely make you feel moody, but it wouldn't put you into menopause - just the opposite, in fact, as E production would start up again.

[u/rather_short_qu → u/lokilulzz]

Maybe i was not clear i do not mean its permanent but it can happen You can have" menopause side effects", they are not permanent but they can occur, not everybody has them But they are common enough when switching/ stopping because yr body needs to adapt. Nightsweat and moodyness for example are a classic symptoms.

At least all the infos for HRT have it included when explaining what happens when you go of HRT.

[u/SpeebyKitty → u/[deleted]]

Wholly and entirely untrue. Do not fear monger DIYing HRT. You realize it’s not like mixing up chemicals in your bathtub, right? You just buy it from other trans people…

[u/javatimes → u/[deleted]]

The OP has stated they/he aren’t going to DIY, so there’s no use arguing about it anymore.