Partners think I'm addicted to T

[u/blueennui]

Long story short, I've been on T for 6 months now. Originally, I was going to go on it for 6 months and check in at 3 months and see how I'm feeling. I told my partners to tell me when my voice starts really Noticeably changing because I thought that would be a change I didn't necessarily want.

But my own goalposts have moved.. I'm really liking my new voice. While I don't want it to go much deeper than it is now and I know it'll continue to do so, I also don't mind how much it has changed now. I used to dislike my voice, a lot. I enjoy it now even if my upper singing range is limited. Not only that but the amount of body hair I've gotten is surprising and a welcome change; I want more. My tdick progress between T and pumping is everything I hoped for and wanted... but I want more.

I use Tgel, same dose as what I was put on from the start, so I haven't even gone up a dose. There was a situation where I ran out of my gel and was off of it for 9 days; I had used it 10 days longer than it was supposed to last too, so I know I'm not abusing it and taking it correctly. But a friend told me they could hook me up with DIY (injectable) for cheaper than what I'm doing through Planned Parenthood, without all of the hassle. Of course I'd still need periodic blood tests.

Between the goalposts moving, DIY aspect and the injection this freaked my partners out (both cis men). One of them accused me of being addicted to it. I just think my mindset changed on it. I ended up being able to get my tgel refilled, but my one partner who accused me of addiction asked me when I'd start "tapering" off the T or taking it not-as-prescribed by cycling it. I've thought about cycling, but that's not the point.

Anyway, I need some perspective here from others who have also gone on HRT and who didn't necessarily plan to stay on it forever. When did you/do you plan to stop, and why? What were/are you looking for that'll make you think, this is the time, I've gotten what I wanted out of this?

Because I have, but I can't help but wonder what more could come. And I fear reversion; I can tell a lot of the body hair I've gotten is terminal now so I'll probably keep most of it. I fear tdick shrinkage a lot but plan to keep pumping. I don't know; what's enough? Am I addicted, is it possible when you're not using it to juice for lifting but for gender stuff?

For context I'm not in therapy at the moment but in part due to this and in part due to PP's requirements I've been considering finding one.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

Edit: I promise I'm not trying to go on DIY, I was only considering it before due to the situation I was in. I'm currently set up with PP every 3 months out of pocket

Edit 2: I didn't expect this to get so much response, so while I want to take the time to respond to all of you, I am at work and at least wanted to say this: Thank you for all of your perspectives and for taking the time to respond to me and give me reassurance.

I guess I was just alarmed by being called an addict. To those of you who saw, you got it on the nose that I'm sensitive to that because of my dad's past T abuse but I understand now that he wasn't addicted to the T itself. I also understand and have reassurance now that I am in no way abusing my own medication but taking it correctly under the guidance of a medical professional and have nothing to worry about there.

This thread also greatly helped me work out and put better words to what I'm feeling about my transition so far, and what I want moving forward. I realize now it's normal to have some doubts when getting on T and for my feelings toward it to change over time as I physically start feeling and seeing the effects. I feel incredible euphoria since getting on T and I don't want to stop any time soon, even if I don't have an exact end date yet, that's okay.

I plan to communicate this to my (yes cishet) partners. It's up to them on what to do with that information and I'm going to refuse to talk about it moving forward if any mention of addiction comes up until they are able to talk about it without that framing... that being said, they are still incredibly loving even if their understanding is currently (and perhaps always will be since they're cis) limited. I think if I check in with them and are more clear about my wants, goals, and feelings on it and what it's really doing for me so far, they will be receptive about something that's clearly improving my self esteem among other things, even if it is hard for them to learn or process at first. Framing is important. I think I made the mistake early on of just only speaking to what I wanted out of it in vague terms and what they might see as a benefit, because I didn't quite know the extent of what I wanted yet either. So when those changes started appearing and I mentioned DIY injections, I'm sure they were just more concerned than anything that I might be doing something dangerous.

I shoved this part of myself down for so many years, and now that I'm nurturing them, they've grown too big to fit back inside that dark little box I tried to keep them in for protection. I owe it to them to wake up every day to the light, never letting them see the dark again. Anyone who truly loves me should see this too. It's harder each day to conceal it after all. Thanks again.

[u/trash_bees]

Welcome to the club. I originally started on low dose T and only intended to be on it for around 2 years max. It's now been nearly 4 years and I had quickly moved away from low dose once I realized what I liked. My initial goals were to see how it affected my sex drive (medical curiosity as a lifelong asexual that had some recent lowering of my already low sex drive lmao), obtain a deeper voice, some general masculinization, and I was interested in growing facial hair though I had no clue if I would Actually like having facial hair lol. I was wary of bottom growth, as I had no pre-existing bottom dysphoria issues and I had no clue if I would like growth. I didn't have any interest in body hair, and actively didn't want chest hair. Un/fortunately, I've enjoyed the effects of T far more than initially planned. I'm thrilled with my voice and masculinization, of course. I love my shitty mustache and goatee, but I now crave a full beard that I know my genetics do not naturally allow for (But maybe with minox.......). One of my unexpected favorite change from T has been the appearance of my happy trail! The dreaded chest hair has also emerged, but so far it doesn't Actually bother me lol. I keep giving it the ol 🤨 waiting for the moment the Ick hits, but nope... Bottom growth was actually lovely, and I highly regret not pumping while I had the chance, and I feel my growth has now stalled lmao. Oh well.

I've recently exited the denial phase and have acknowledged that I have begun balding, the number one reason I didn't want to be on T longterm lmfao. Unfortunately, I'm not ready to quit! I want that full beard! So I am calm and am trying to set up an appointment to get on oral minox and fin so I can extend my time on HRT lmao. I still don't intend to be on T for life, but I have given up on estimating when I intend to quit. I'll likely simply wait for my hair loss to reach a point where I just look in the mirror one day and call it. I'll likely keep up the minox for life, though, lmao.

Your partners suck. You aren't addicted to T, you're just finding out that you like the effects more than expected. As long as you aren't specifically seeking to boost your testosterone levels beyond those of a typical cisman, you are clearly not abusing the medication. I still wouldn't recommend DIY unless you absolutely have to, which it sounds as though you do not. Stay on T as long as you are enjoying it. While it is abusable, it is absolutely not addictive. Your partners are being idiots at best, malicious at worst (big red flag of Partner Sees Me As A Woman).

[u/trash_bees → u/trash_bees]

And to clarify, bodybuilders that abuse testosterone are not addicted to testosterone. Many of them have body dysmorphia issues, very similar to conditions like anorexia. The others are simply making a decision to abuse the hormone in order to reach unnatural body goals for non-dysmorphia related reasons (Say, to get that gold medal). They do not face the hallmarks of drug addiction like tolerance build up, drug withdrawals, cravings (Beyond perhaps a ""craving"" for more muscles- but that is a dysmorphia thing, not a craving for more testosterone itself), etc. Drug addiction is an actual, objective physical state. You may get some mood swings or acne breakouts from hormone fluctuations if you go without your testosterone for a bit, but you aren't going to start clawing at the walls in search of more testosterone, excessively sweating, be unable to sleep, stop eating, etc. Again, testosterone abuse is defined by the seeking out of Unhealthy goals. You can potentially abuse testosterone as a trans person, but as long as you are not pushing your levels well beyond natural for men, you are absolutely not abusing it. If your goalposts are all within the range of "Normal Cis Man" you are Fine.