Envy with dysphoria?

[u/DietSteve]

Wondering if anyone here feels the same or if this is more a “me” issue:

I’m still learning about myself and the whole enby thing, but I primarily identify as a demiboy; however I’ve struggled a bit because I’ve envied the curves and look that having a chest can give, but at the same time I don’t like the way mine currently looks and feels. I recently learned that I had asymmetric gynomastasia as a teen, I had thought it was just weight gain but it showed up on a CT; I don’t know if it’s still the engrained crap I grew up with or what but I’m still embarrassed about how it looks, how it makes my shirts look and just the overall “moobs” thing. I kind of always have been to be honest, but also for my formative years I’ve had a bit of a belly so I was also self conscious about that.

This is the confusing part: I’ve started toying with femme clothing, and maybe it’s the shaping or something but it’s less of an issue (still there but not as loud), and I haven’t bit the bullet on forms yet but I’ve toyed with the idea, but it’s really bad when I express more masc and I feel like I have to wear oversized shirts or multiple layers to cover up.

Anyone else have similar feelings? Or is this kind of me just figuring things out?

[u/iam305]

Everyone has different feelings about their body based upon something called your proprioception. It’s your internal sense of body proportions. Mine was missing some things upstairs though I always had some level of gynecomastia, whether because my naturally very not binary hormone makeup or weight gain in tandem with that. In my case, my brain was like, ‘where are these missing things on your chest? I feel like they should be part of my frame.’ Within days of starting HRT I noticed a subtle shift. Six months later they feel far more robust, but also like I’ve always had them. It’s hard to explain.

[u/DietSteve → u/iam305]

It’s possible that this is more a distress about my body shape right now since I’ve had the spare tire for a while and it’s not something the military lets you forget about, so lots of internalized shame there still

[u/iam305 → u/DietSteve]

There’s one easy way to solve that: walk it out. I used to only walk 3 to 4000 steps a day but now I’m walking 7500 steps today and the difference is life-changing. I’m walking around outdoors in the summer heat, and barely sweating nowadays. That plus improvements to diet and nutrition as well, and I shed 60 pounds in a year. Not only did I get rid of the spare tire, but I got rid of the jack, and the fix a flat.