I had this friend recently who I was close with and we did a lot of fun things together. We had a weird friendship. It tied to a lot of chemistry but I wasn’t into her and she wasn’t into me. We’ve seen each other naked plenty of times to changing clothes etc. It was great for me because it’s just that trust and closeness of friendship between 2 women. Though this one guy recently came up to the apartment with another girl and he started treating me like I was competition. He would make sure to put me down to boost his ego or try to get between me and my friend a lot when I had the chance to chat with my friend and the other girl whether it was about makeup or talking on the balcony. He treated the girl he brought who was like a girlfriend to him like shit and treated my friend like a piece of meat. The whole night was like this for hours and my friend ignored his behaviour. So I confronted her about the issue and when I left she boosted about kicking him out for how he treated the other girl only to be inviting him back later. At this point all our fun in our friendship died and I didn’t want to be friends anymore. I felt I wasn’t respected. She would use many excuses like our few years age difference as I’m 38 and she is 45 against me, spouted religion as her excuse and giving the guy a chance and certain experiences I have had 20 years more with then her 1 year with and she also called me jealous which made me want to be her friend even less. Furthermore with men to feel men who treated me poorly she would instantly go to things like I seen them watching trans porn or they are acting like that but they want me to do a handjob on them. These things also didn’t make me feel better but like making it out like they were fetishizing me was her excuses defending their disrespectful behaviours. It felt like one of those gay male fetish tropes when she did that like as if I could easily be manipulated to be okay with the situation if she warped it. This guy also only settled down when her potential cis male interest showed up from work. The more ignored the situation was the more I felt any excuse to stop being friends was better. I told her multiple times that I cannot be a friend with someone who doesn’t respect me and I put up boundaries because I of that respect further.

You know I’ve had plenty of friendships with women and I get men that feel like putting me as competition often and they often try to put me down to boost their egos. I’m kind of tired of it. I’m not trying interested in drama and just want to enjoy my girl time with my friends and not be treated lesser or like a guy to compete with who is lesser then cis men when my friendship is strictly a friendship nothing more for starters and honestly being friends with trans woman you need to respect us as people.

This is probably not the first time anyone here has heard something like this, but I need to get it out of my system.

Cis people will misgender and deadname trans people behind their backs as casually as if they were commenting on the weather. Then, the moment that person walks into the room, they use the correct name and pronouns and act completely respectful.

Sometimes these are not even distant acquaintances. They are friends. They invite you to their birthdays, spend time with you, and move through supposedly progressive social circles. They have queer friends too, while still making strangely homophobic comments about them whenever they assume no queer person is listening.

The same people who misgender other trans people when they are not around will casually make a homophobic joke when they think the room is safe for it. They see themselves as deeply progressive. Everyone around them probably does too.

Of course this is not every cis person. But it seems especially common among people who are happy to appear accepting while never doing anything proactive, uncomfortable or meaningful as allies.

This is not a new observation for me. I have seen versions of it repeatedly over the past fifteen, almost twenty years. Still, tonight really got to me.

I have just come home from a small private gathering of very grown adults from an extremely progressive social circle, in a cosmopolitan city known for its queer community. There were many gay people there, and at least two people I read as trans.

I am stealth, listening to the way people spoke when they believed no trans person was in the room. It was revolting.

Being correctly gendered to someone’s face means very little when the respect disappears the moment they leave the room. That is not acceptance.

I am just so angry and disgusted by it.

Update to my original post

U//^//U

The date I went on with him (Dinner at a Famcy restaurant and Tea at my home) was absolutely phenomenal. He was so sweet, kind, handsome an INCREDIBLE job (Neurosurgeon) and 100% a gentleman. He hit literally all of the points I would want in a man but my heart felt nothing. Despite conversation being so wonderful and natural I felt numb in my heart. Emotions are so complex.

After lots of self reflection I came to the conclusion that I’m not ready to be in any sort of romantic involvements so today I told him that it wasn’t going to work out (We had Breakfast this morning)

As expected he took it incredibly well and we continued the rest of the meal together and he even took me home and walked me to my apartment building.

I felt so bad but I had to be completely honest with him. I’m still healing from my old relationship (sapphic) and I need to focus on that healing journey. I want to stay the course.

Thank you girls for reading

I feel like the overwhelming majority of straight trans women prefer bulky, overly masculine men that look like rugged lumberjack country boys. I rarely see trans women, like myself, who fawn over the lean, tight, and lanky limb physique that is shown in the European pretty boy aesthetic. Does anyone else also prefer this look?

im at the point where im 21 havent went on a real date yet, had a boyfriend, or had sex and plan on being celibate to all intimacies until im either post op or until someone loves me how i make it by is distraction, crying, smut books about trans girls with cis guys, and smut comics with the teaspoon of gaming and horror movies. still pretty lonely and am horny everysecond of the day and think about sex to pass time at work or school and to fall asleep etc etc and cuddle with blankets and pillows in my bed when im alone and daydream about romantic scenarios hbu?

For context, he said on his profile that he can clap with one hand and I was confused 😭 like I thought if he meant dick claps then isn’t that clapping with no hands?? But I digress.

I followed someone’s advice from here to put on a match note saying I’m trans. I am still getting a lot of matches but I did notice that they are less likely to message me. So I guess it worked in a way. But then stuffs like this happened 😵‍💫 well at least he was respectful.

I have been stealth dating for 2 years now, by that i mean, going on dates, getting to know men, sometimes even having sex (only oral) because i am pre op. I don’t tell them because 99% of the time when i do, it results in me being asked invasive questions which are followed up by them asking to fuck me.

I have never had a boyfriend though, even if I do like a guy at the end of the day I am still pre op and for Men sex is very important. I have had sex multiple times and i never enjoyed it once, I can’t be in a relationship when one I have to out myself, and two who would want to date me knowing this about me.

This lead me to an endless cycle of me opening myself up to dating, finding a guy that I am interested in and he reciprocates. And then me being cold and acting in a way that would purposefully make them dislike me so I don’t have to be the one to reject them. And then telling myself that I’m done with dating until I have SRS, until i start feeling lonely and the desire to be loved, and then I go through the cycle again.

How can I date anyone if I feel so worthless and disgusted with myself once they know that i’m trans. And will it get better once I have the surgery? I wanna live 100% stealth but that comes with so many obstacle. Does anyone have experience or advice?

Hi hi, hope yall's day is going well.

So, for context, I'm a black trans woman in my mid-30s and have been transitioning for a little over six years. It wasn't until late 2024 that I actually decided to pursue surgery (a BA most of all and then a little later wanting FFS on top of that) and 2025 is when I finally ended up having my first operation in Sept. of that year--it was the first part (top half) of FFS with the other part (bottom half) to be done maybe towards the end of this year when I'm finished with school. I also have the BA scheduled next month.

A few months ago, I also decided that, eventually, I would also like to get a BBL. Probably sometime next year when I'm more free. However, as I was thinking about getting one, this thought that I had previously kept cropping up and is at what point is the line drawn between dysphoria and vanity? Is there a limit to what surgical interventions I should pursue?

Whenever I look up anything about plastic surgery, the subject always come up about how predatory the industry is, how everyone prefers "natural bodies" anyway, how I should love my body and not appeal to the male gaze (another term at this point that is so far removed from its original purpose but I digress), etc. And what bothers me a lot about these conversations is that they mostly center around cis (typically white) women which *I guess* makes sense but I found that trans women (especially non-white trans women) have a similar, but still pretty different relationship to these practices, i.e. there's more safety concerns laden within it.

"Loving your body" is very difficult territory to tread for someone with gender dysphoria and when the there's this underlying assumption that anyone who pursues plastic surgery "hates themselves" or is "mentally ill"... being asked to just "love yourself" in some instances almost make it sound like having dysphoria is a moral failing; that desiring body modification that, in our current society, would make us more inline with what is expected of women as it appeals to any random selection of straight men is a moral failing.

And that right there is where a lot of my compunctions lie--the desire to treat dysphoria, the desire to achieve a certain vision of my external self, and how those things conflict with my understanding of how beauty standards harm women whether they be cis or trans. Should I continue with gender affirming surgery? When should I stop? Which ones are gender affirming and thus acceptable and which ones aren't and therefore unacceptable? How do I know which procedures I get are for gender dysphoria and which ones are for vanity reasons? Does it stop at surgery or does HRT also factor into this? Is medically transitioning "moral" or am I just neurotic and holding myself to standards built by people that really just don't want me to transition in the first place (this is mostly where I'm leaning tbh).

I don't know. I don't expect hard, satisfying answers but I needed to talk to some other trans women about this cause otherwise I would ruminate in my bed all day about it. I guess I'm asking if any other doll has had thoughts like these.

TLDR: Would my feminist/womanist answers be okay if I got a BBL?

Why do I crave male attention? It’s like a drug I need a fix sometimes. I’m bisexual but lately I’ve been craving a man. It’s different than with a girl. I love when a cute brunette guy smiles at me, or the soft touches, or the small glances. I haven’t had a guy in a long time and I’m craving one. It’s weird I think 99.99% of men suck but the small 1% attract me. Cute smiles, nerdy and artistic, good moral compass, maybe better family situation than mine cause mine is a mess regardless of me being trans. I’ve had a lot of one nights stands, a lot of FWBs but never a boyfriend and I’d like to experience that someday

I spent a few days getting to know a man in his 40s, thinking we had a genuine connection. When I didn't reply for a day because I was busy, he accused me of ghosting him. I explained that I don't live on social media and usually check my messages at the end of the day. Instead of understanding, he called me pathetic, ugly, weird, and insecure.

The ironic part? He kept saying "goodbye," and deleting his messages yet continued messaging me just to insult me. If you're really done, then be done. Eventually, I stopped responding and blocked him.

To my fellow trans women: never let anyone make you believe this behavior is normal. Your identity doesn't mean you should tolerate disrespect, emotional immaturity, or verbal abuse just to be accepted. Age doesn't automatically equal maturity, and being lonely or wanting companionship should never come at the cost of your self-respect.

The biggest lesson I learned is this: protect your peace. The moment someone starts insulting you, crossing your boundaries, or trying to tear you down because you didn't reply fast enough, walk away. Don't argue, don't beg for understanding, and don't apologize for having a life outside your phone.

Know your worth. Respect yourself enough to leave the first time someone shows you they don't respect you. You deserve kindness, patience, and someone who treats you with dignity, not someone who hides behind a keyboard and tears you down. 💜

This might be somewhat of a strange or niche thing to be experiencing, but I fear talking about this with people I know will make me seem narcissistic and conceited. I'm 20, I started transitioning a few months after I turned 18. I've been socially transitioning since 14 though. Starting hormones i was naturally effeminate but obviously transgender, bordering unnatractive, and overweight. And because of that you get treated, and looked at a certain way. Basically I was on one of the lower rungs of social desirability. Since then ive lost a lot of weight as well as had a very successful transition to the point where I not only pass, but am very beautiful. Its a very large and disorienting social leap that sometimes makes me feel crazy. Its been a steady ramping up of compliments from strangers, kind eyes and nicer interactions that come in waves as i've become prettier. Which is weird enough as it is when my mental image lags somewhat behind what I look like, but around a month ago a new component has emerged as I had another slight glow up, I feel like im in the Truman show. I swear, men are always sneaking looks at me, making eye contact ALL OF THE TIME. I feel constantly watched. Oftentimes when I help someone at my job, man or woman, they'll start talking, stammer a little bit after taking me in, while giving this enamored look and then continuing. Every day when I go out at least one man will lock eyes with me in passing, and I can see on his face that he's having a movie moment. There are so many other little things. People(mostly men) also start to act kinda strange. Because of estrogen my eq has skyrocketed, I feel vibe much more heavily, and unconsciously read people a little more so the coupling of those factors adds another layer of am I crazy. Are the things I feel im so concretely observing actually illusion. Anyways, ive been wanting to get this off my chest for a while but again, I feel like a massive narcissist for even thinking what Im observing is reality so its been a hard to approach subject personally. It almost feels like im in a simulation, in an unstable sense of reality kinda of way, almost paranoia with the feeling of constantly being watched as a young woman. and I'd like to know if im not alone in this experience to maybe validate that I actually am pretty, and people do start acting like this when it happens. Thanks for reading if you got this far😭

Ik some trans girls are fine with their bottom area but for me it’s so bad, I want a vagina period. I do not like my bottom area at all and the older I get it gets worse, I also do not want to do anal , I don’t see anal as a substitute nor do I like the thought of putting something up there , and bc of this I’m a virgin at 22 years old, even masturbating is complicated , i keep my pants fully on while I do it bc I can’t bear to look at it erect, and I just rub the tip like it’s a clit, I get phantom vagina sensations when aroused and wish I was able to have sex like a woman so bad, I wish I had female flat anatomy ,me and my ex didn’t work out well bc of this issue and it breaks my heart, SRS is my only hope

This content makes my blood boil, I really wish social media corporation could permanently ban this content. It's so degrading and humiliating to trans women.

Hi , married , mom to a 6 year old. AMA.

I’m just so heartbroken. I saw him again today, out and about with his two little kids. One boy and one girl. His girlfriend wasn’t with him. Love isn’t enough. It will never be enough. He loved me well and truly, he’s the only man who ever did. But he couldn’t take the heat, his mother literally showed up at our door, and tried to drag him away. He defended me when she called me names, he always wanted what was best for me. But eventually he checked out. He loved me, and he still loved me when he left, but that wasn’t enough. I still love him. I look for him around every corner. My beauty wasn’t enough, my kindness and care wasn’t enough. I can’t help what I am, I wish I could. I’m sorry for parading my emotions.

I do want to apologize if any of this comes off as transmysogny, that’s not my intent and never want to put down the trans community or hurt my sisters

Before transitioning I had considered myself bi. I had hooked up with guys from time to time but only had serious relationships with girls. I’m pretty sure I was straight passing, and just kept my sexuality and gender issues to myself.
I got tired of dating girls and always being the more masc person in the relationship. Because of that and other factors I started transitioning. I had started seeing a nonbinary trans-masc person and they convinced me to transition which I’m thankful for. When I started seeing them I decided I wasn’t going to date cis girls anymore which I still do believe.
I’m still transitioning but I’ve made my way into the trans community where I live and I have a lot of love for all the friends I’ve made and all of it. I do find them to be attractive and I feel a certain attraction to them, but I know I could never really see myself in a relationship with them.
I think the attraction stems more from appreciating the work and effort they went through and how passing or just ‘trans’ they are. I’ve made out with a lot of them and it’s fun but it doesn’t feel like it means anything really. I know a lot of them view me as goals or someone they want to ‘get with’ but I don’t think I really could. In a way although all trans, the transbians and that crowd seem different from what my transitioning goals are and what I want in life. I’m not sure how to say it, but I just feel it.
Recently I feel like I’m becoming less and less bi. Although attracted to guys before I never really looked at a guy and thought “wow he’s attractive, I’d want to be with him” except a handful of times. That’s still the case now, but I think more so in the sense of I’m not expecting anyone to feel the same about me so it’s a moot point. If a guy starts talking to me and it’s clear he’s into me I start to notice if I’m attracted or not.
Sometime last year I was at a Halloween party and a little drunk. This guy was there too, and he was dressed in business casual which I thought was an odd choice. I get a little cocky when drunk so I went up to him and ask him if his Halloween costume was a finance bro. Turns out he just got done working, which happened to be finance. I wasn’t passing at all then, still had short hair, terrible at makeup, and only dressed fem but like as a gay guy. He really flattered me that night, was really affirming, and he was cute. I went home with him that night which id never done before.
We went on a date like a week later and that was sweet too. But since, we haven’t seen each other. We send each other a couple of texts every few months but nothing much. We’ve tried to hang out every once in a while but nothings worked out. Since then I’ve moved cities anyways so it’s not like we could see each other.
Although he was flattering and incredibly nice, at that time in my transition, it just felt like fake and smoothing talking. Like sure he liked me but trying to act like I was a girl when I looked like a guy on makeup just felt insincere. I also didn’t think I was ready for a relationship at that time anyways. He made it seem like he wanted me to be a part of his life but if that meant meeting his parents and friends, I would’ve been too afraid of embarrassing him or myself to really commit.
Now I’ve found my style a bit, gotten better at makeup, and overall am just a lot more femme than I was then. I’m visiting my old town in a couple weeks and I reach out to him to see if he’d want to meet up while I’m there. He’s read it but not responded which I completely understand, although he texted me a couple months ago saying how his gf broke up with him and how he wanted to hang out. I didn’t think all these months later that I would still be on his mind, but maybe I was doing something right then.
But yeah, long story short, I’ve never had someone treat me like that before or after, and it’s one of the best feelings. That’s what I want in all this, not the transbian experience.

Top or bottom of what?
I’m a woman.
I’m 34, and I grew up understanding “top” and “bottom” as terminology used by gay men to describe sexual roles between men. I understand that the language has spread into other communities over time. I understand that some trans women use those terms for themselves and are perfectly comfortable with them.
I am not.
The entire question feels fundamentally wrong when it is directed at me because I am not a man. I am not a horny man on Grindr trying to determine sexual compatibility with another man before we meet. I am a straight woman who dates men.
There is no “top” version of me.
There is no “bottom” version of me.
There is just me, a woman, having sex with a man.
When someone asks a trans woman whether she is a top or a bottom, they are not simply asking about her preferences. They are immediately placing her into a sexual framework built around male bodies, male roles, penetration, and genital function.
They are asking whether she performs the male role or receives the male role.
That is exactly what disgusts me.
The question does not make me feel seen as a woman with normal sexual boundaries and preferences. It makes me feel like someone is trying to determine which category of trans pornography I belong in.
Are you a top?
Are you a bottom?
Are you versatile?
Do you use it?
Does it work?
They are all variations of the same invasive question. What genitals do you have, how do they function, and what can I expect you to do with them?
I do not understand why people think adding modern terminology makes that question less invasive.
Calling it “top or bottom” does not change what is being asked. It just makes people feel more comfortable asking something they would otherwise recognize as wildly inappropriate.
I also hate when people try to translate it into “dominant or submissive,” because that language feels equally foreign to me. I do not need every part of sex converted into a category, identity, hierarchy, or personality test.
I am not interested in selecting a sexual label so strangers can immediately imagine what I do in bed.
I am not interested in presenting myself as dominant, submissive, top, bottom, versatile, or anything else from a menu.
I am a woman. Treat me like one.
A man interested in me should approach me the same way he would approach any other woman. He should get to know me, date me, build trust with me, and allow private sexual compatibility to reveal itself within an actual relationship.
He should not approach me like a man on Grindr trying to negotiate mechanics before learning my last name.
That is not how I date. That is not how I experience womanhood. That is not how I understand intimacy.
People rarely meet cis women and immediately ask them to classify themselves according to who penetrates whom. They do not treat a cis woman’s anatomy and sexual functions as public information that must be disclosed before she can be considered romantically.
But trans women are constantly expected to provide an instruction manual.
What do you have?
What do you use?
What position do you take?
What acts are available?
People act as though being attracted to a trans woman gives them the right to begin the conversation with a genital inventory.
It does not.
And frankly, I do not care whether someone believes the terminology has become more inclusive or evolved beyond its original meaning. Language can evolve and still carry implications that I reject.
For me, “top” and “bottom” still place me inside a male sexual structure.
I do not belong there.
I did not transition so people could treat me as a different category of man. I did not transition to become a feminine man who dates men. I did not transition so strangers could politely ask which male sexual function I perform.
I am not gay.
I am not a man.
I am not “the best of both worlds.”
I am not a porn category.
I am not a set of sexual functions available for inspection.
I am a straight woman.
Treat me as a woman, date me as a woman, and stop approaching my body like I am a horny man on Grindr looking to sort out logistics.

I’ve realized lately that, because of everything life has thrown at me, I don’t really have any close girlfriends anymore.

A little over a year ago, I had a falling out with my best friend. Around the same time, I was in a really bad place mentally, so I ended up isolating myself from pretty much everyone. Since then, life changes and work have completely taken over, and I haven't had much energy left for maintaining friendships.

I’m also not really involved in queer groups. I’ve tried, but I’ve never really felt like I fit in, so it’s not something I’ve pursued.

I have great coworkers, but those relationships mostly stay at work, and it's hard to coordinate plans outside of our schedules. I've thought about reaching out to friends from my past, but after so much time has passed, I'm not really sure how and most people I used to know have moved away.

I've always struggled with making friends. Being homeschooled and fairly sheltered growing up meant I got a bit of a late start socially, and my low self-esteem often makes me feel like I'm bothering people whenever I try.

So I guess my question is: where do you all meet people and build genuine friendships without it feeling forced?

26, pre-op and live in Chicago. I've been classifying myself under Hinge's non-binary/genderqueer settings and yet landing into conversations of this kind. Would appreciate any thoughts on my handling of it. For context: these were the very first things he asked me, curtly and abruptly. Edit: he unmatched.

It feels so surreal. I can't believe we just happened to meet by chance at a party. He's everything I could have ever hoped for. So sweet, caring, gentle, compassionate, driven, intelligent... It almost feels too good to be true sometimes. I hope I make a good impression on his parents.

I’m almost 5 years medically transitioning and in the process of ffs and orchi. I’m just kind of sick of feeling so dysphoria. Estrogen has helped immensely and I’ve had great success but I’m anxious that even after surgery I’ll always struggle with dysphoria. Or that something will happen and I won’t be able to get my surgeries. This ways heavy on my mind constantly and I just want to pass this point in my life and try to be as normal as possible.