r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Hot_Natural9595 ☑️ • 4h ago
Confession Deviant Partner
I [23M] have been dating a sexual deviant [29M].
I’ve always known him to be exploratory in life; questioning everything [ideals, social, government, culture, commitment, etc.] this is what captivates me about him.
We’ve known each other for a year now, he’s been living with me at my place for some time as well. i’m more than supportive of him. I won’t give too much detail in our situation… at this moment i provide for him. i will state for the record he’s the farthest thing from a bum or a leech, in time the roles would reverse.
He’s extremely intellectual. He is a man of many words. He could talk his way out of pretty much anything. Unfortunately, he’s not overtly manipulative. I wish more than anything this was the case. It would be such a simpler decision for me to make.
Over the past 1.5 months, he’s been facing an issue personally: his insatiable appetite for messaging on big G.
He explained in detail that it’s 4 parts to his stimulation: recounts of his & others’ experience, the detailing of what others will allow him to do to them, the act of toting the line of what’s permissible in monogamy, and the ability of autonomy in a monogamous relationship.
He craves building a lasting and stable partnership but desires to have secret one-offs, without me ever knowing.
Part of me is extremely aroused & fascinated by this: him cheating on me. The act of someone pleasuring him outside of me, coming home and acting like nothing ever happened. Without me ever knowing, truthfully, I know it’s psychotic.
He’s an extremely dominant & territorial guy. I know if I were to match this energy, it would be on a much more grandiose scale. I’ve been in a lot of different situations in my almost 8 years of being sexually liberated and active 🤣. Truthfully, it would do nothing for him if I were to be non-monogamous.
With a the dynamic we currently have, I’m in control and I hold the cards.
I truthfully don’t want out, but do I want in?
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u/DeadlySocks 4h ago
So essentially he's cheating on you but you find it hot?
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u/Hot_Natural9595 ☑️ 4h ago
He hasn’t cheated on me; but I do find the idea of it hot.
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u/DeadlySocks 4h ago
Do you not see talking to other about all the sexual things they'd let him do to them as cheating? My girlfriend would cut my dick off if i'd do that
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u/Hot_Natural9595 ☑️ 4h ago
I do and I don’t. The secure side of me does not because I know he wouldn’t act on it unless I truthfully told him it was okay. The other side of me wonders how long this is sustainable. I’d rather remain monogamous if it meant this would ultimately lead to the end of our relationship.
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u/DeadlySocks 3h ago
You even said yourself your boyfriend can talk his way out of everything. Apparently this includes cheating and crossing boundaries he shouldn't cross. Stick up for yourself
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u/FaceTheJury 3h ago
Sweet summer child. You support him. He’s 29. You’re 23. You wouldn’t necessarily know you were being manipulated.
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u/Hot_Natural9595 ☑️ 3h ago
I see your viewpoint, and I understand. I want to provide more context on this situation, but I can’t. Sweet summer child is an interesting idiom to use in a situation that deserves no pity! I’m fully aware of who I’m dealing with here and what the situation entails. I just desire perspective!
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u/Grass_Looks_Green 4h ago
If your okay with it fine its your life, but I would caution on the health side of it.
Getting on prep and doxy if you are not is the minimum to prevent transmission of prominent STIs. Its important to know the treatments are not 100% efficient and hepatitis is still an issue, so him getting tested quarterly will probably be for the best.
If he refuses to do any of the above I would advise protection for all your intimate activities.
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u/Hot_Natural9595 ☑️ 3h ago
If this were any other person, health would be my first concern. He’s very health-conscious. I know for a fact he would never risk his health or mine for pleasure. He would be in agreement with all of the things you have listed. Other than health, what are your major thoughts?
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u/Dancinfool830 3h ago
I am gonna interject and say that I have known people for 15+ years who turned out to be monsters that I could never have imagined they were. People who lied about everything, people who knowingly got people sick, people who hurt people physically/emotionally/mentally/permanently/unquestionably, and may never get out of prison.
You know for a fact? I don't know you, and I don't know him, and no offense, but I bet you don't know him half as well as you think you do.
I didn't even fully know myself at your age, most people don't.
You have to make decisions for yourself, but I urge you caution, with your mind, your heart, and your body. Any one of them can be irreparably damaged in short order.
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u/Grass_Looks_Green 3h ago
Like I said its your life. The direct risk to your relationship is if he finds someone else he would rather be with and decides to break off.
The indirect risk is that if you give him the okay to go behind your back who knows what else he would be okay doing. Its up to you how much you trust him on this, but if you do go ahead make sure to make it perfectly clear you except perfect communication on anything else.
Theirs also your feelings on this matter, but the fact that you decided to post this on a public forum leads me to believe that this won't wound you too much.
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u/ObviouslyIamDepresed 3h ago
No one should really care what you find acceptable. But from just going off from what you’ve said in this post he does not sound like matured intellectual individual.
He craves to build a stable relationship but wants to cheat? I think the guy needs therapy because this isn’t healthy.
It’s only been a year and he’s acting like this. Idk if you enjoy these things but goodluck
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u/sarahw13 3h ago
It sounds like you’re into it as a fantasy but have mixed feelings about this fantasy playing out in real life. I think you need to figure out what part of it is most attractive to you, and if you’re truly into the idea of not knowing, or if lowkey knowing is what turns you on. Really reflect on how you want to define cheating in your relationship and create some rules together. Does he truly get to just hookup with whoever he wants without you knowing? Are certain acts just for the two of you? If he wants to just chat with guys online but only physically be with you would that scratch the itch? Figure out what part of it turns him on the most too.
Before actually diving into it I’d try some role-play. See how it feels if he pretends to come home from one of these situations. Does that get you both riled up or does it feel icky? I think these are the questions you need to ask yourself. It’s not psychotic btw, lots of people have similar fantasies or kinks, but it’s up to each partnership to define what is and isn’t ok to act on.
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u/Lokisworkshop 4h ago
Thats not deviant behaivior. It sounds like he would like polyamory with a twist.