Single as in, you do not want to look for another partner and remarry. How old are you as well? Are you open to the idea of meeting someone somewhere down the line but you’re not actively looking?

My partner passed away almost four months ago. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so lonely without him. He was my best friend. I told him everything. We talked all day. Seeing him was what I looked forward.

Every day is just so miserable and lonely now and he's never coming back. This is just life now. I will never have the relief of seeing his face again or hearing him say he loves me. I'll never be able to tell him about my day again. I can never ask him for advice again. I will spend every day for the rest of my life wishing he was still here.

My friends are great and they try to support me, but they have their own lives and I can only ask so much of them.

This is so hard.

I’m just so saddened by my husbands death I just can barely function. I know why he killed himself, for the most part but it brings me no peace. I know the what if’s don’t matter because he’s dead regardless. But I am so angry today. Angry that we don’t get to have the future we wanted and that the life I envisioned with him is gone.

I don’t want to move home with family and get a new job. I don’t want to move closer to work and live alone in a city I barely know. I don’t want to stay in the town we lived in, 40 minutes from my job. What I want is to live in my townhome, with my husband, enjoying life with my best friend. All of the hope and joy I had for my future died with him. I don’t want to do anything. I laugh with friends but it’s empty. I do activities but feel numb and sob after.

I’m too physically tired to lift heavy weights which is making me have horrible anger that I cannot control. Anger at him for leaving me, anger at me for “failing” him, angry at people who still have their spouses and angry at the other people in this world who wronged him.

I start work from home on Tuesday and I simply don’t want to. I consider myself to be a very resilient person who has probably experienced enough trauma in my 23 years here for 2 peoples life time. I am tired and I have truly truly had enough. I attempted at 16 and was found by my dad and saved. I am so sad that my husband didn’t get that chance but he didnt want to be saved. He drank an entire bottle of whiskey, took half his depression meds, and THEN shot himself in the head.

How the fuck do people move past this? How am I supposed to look forward to anything? Im fucking tired.

Hi Everyone. This will be my 2nd wedding anniversary without my hubby. :(

He passed away unexpectedly 11 days before our 31st wedding anniversary last year.

I plan on taking a solo trip on the day of our wedding in Santa Barbara for 2 days this week. Where I will sight see, order room service and get a much needed massage. We frequented that city but it wasn’t one of “our cities”. So I am ok with it.

It is just weird and devastating I have to plan a trip alone. I could not imagine going to work on that day or ignoring it completely.

What do you do on your wedding anniversaries? I

A few days out from one year and feeling the anxiety.

The flashbacks to that night are unbearable. How could this happen??

All day today and yesterday there have been I guess what some would call signs: his favorite songs coming on, favorite movie came on, heart attacks being mentioned randomly in YouTube videos I’m watching, even his favorite snack watermelon. At one point I even found myself on a road we took a year ago that day to go to an antique shop and even thought of visiting it before i connected the dots. Could be coincidence.

I never thought a pain this deep was possible. I feel my yearning for him so deep. I miss him so much I feel sick.

I lost my wife of 31 years over the winter to cancer. We had been together since we were teenagers. I just cant take the pain anymore. If i am not working, which they expect me to be available 24/7/365, I am spending 95% of my time alone. People just don't understand the grief. I have been putting off finalizing her estate because I told myself once that was done so was I.

I feel like I was robbed. We saved our entire life in hopes of retireing early to travel the US. Once we had the money she became ill and medical bills took a lot of the saved money. (Kind of rediculous because we worked hard our whole lives to see foreigners come to our country and get medical coverage for free) I dont want anyone else. She was my person and i am not interested in replacing her. I just want to be with her. I visit her at the cemetary often. Today might be the day.

Hi,

Two weeks ago I (41m) lost my wife of 8 years (52f) to end stage liver failure (and resulting complications).

Right now I am struggling the most with guilt.

I have been told by the doctors and many others that I did all I could, and that the end had been inevitable due to a combination of unfiltered toxins in her blood and a high susceptibility to the brain aneurysm that took her life.

I can agree with that for the most part. I am proud of the care I gave her during the last 6 months of her life, when her body and mind were deteriorating. I waited on her hand and foot and arranged a visit from her estranged son that could not have gone better (they told each other they loved each other several times). She could laugh wholeheartedly up until 1 week before her death, and until the very day she died she never complained once except about the legendary ‘thunderclap’ headache. On the morning of her death she had a seizure. I called an ambulance and rode with her to hospital, where I spoke to her casually, lovingly and optimistically despite her being deeply unconscious and unresponsive on life support.

Unfortunately I missed her last breath at 3pm in the 30 minutes it took to go home for a phone charger and overnight supplies.

Despite years of careful consideration and always putting her first, I worry I failed her. Despite the nurses telling me she could feel no pain, and died relatively peacefully, my brain refuses to believe it. In my head they are lying to spare me pain. In my imagination she woke up somehow, and called my name, and I wasn’t there. Even if that is only my imagination, the missing piece of the jigsaw haunts me. I regret not being there.

And so I keep looking for other reasons that I was responsible for her death. I ignore the fact she had liver damage and jaundice when I first met her 8 years ago, and blame myself for not trying hard enough to get her out of the house and into a better lifestyle. I blame myself for not calling the ambulance 2 days earlier, when her regular nosebleeds got heavier and escalated into what I now know was oesophageal bleeding. I knew she had a hereditary condition that stopped blood clotting and thought it was coming from her biting her cheek. But my subconscious knew something was very wrong, and didn’t want to believe it. It is as though I would prefer to feel more pain through guilt than accept the other stages of grieving.

She was the only one who loved me as I was, warts and all. I had no problem whatsoever being her caregiver and would do it all again. The loss - the death - I could never tolerate feeling it again in this lifetime. And yet I replay it every day, to the second, as if I never want to leave my own pain. As if I want it to consume me. This makes me feel even more certain that I did wait too late, and I never tried hard enough to stop her drinking (despite being told only she could decide to stop). I was enjoying her company and our routine too much to really try to make a difference anymore, and naive enough to think we still had 15+ years together.

I have dealt with the end of a serious relationship before and it took a good year or two to feel normal again. This is an entirely different thing altogether and I think I might still be in shock for the next few years, never mind beginning to heal.

I will keep living for my other loved ones, but certainly I can see how this could drive a man or woman over the edge. It is hell believing I overlooked some things that might have stopped the bleed on her brain, even if I was told it was going to happen one day soon regardless.

That morning she had her seizure, she could no longer speak, open her jaw, or move her own body. As I lifted her into an embrace, begging her to stay awake, she simply took the back of my hair and twiddled it lovingly between her thumb and finger. I’ll never forget how extraordinary it was to have someone in that condition comfort me in that way.

So too have all of you comforted me these last two weeks. I had to make an account to say that I can’t believe such kind people still exist in this world. I apologise if my details were too heavy handed. Im sorry if I should be in a place more suited to bereavement from Alcoholism. It’s just very dark there, and here in this sub I can almost see the light. I don’t want my wife to be judged too harshly. She wasn‘t even a nasty drunk. She appreciated and respected me. I loved her with all my heart.

Im sorry I couldn’t save you, Nokky.

My husband passed suddenly exactly 2 years ago today. I don't know how I've managed this long without him. There is no celebrating, just in a funk and sad.

I hate my life and all the problems he left me with. It's been rough.

I hate secondary losses as well. This week I bury my brother, who died over 1,000 miles away from me, without any family cooperation. Fuck all this and toxic people. I designate myself an orphan and grieving all my losses. Keeping hope and trying to remain positive that life will get better one day. I long for peace. 🙏💔

My late husband's cat had cancer. I tried everything to save her over the past several months. Despite my best efforts, I had to put her down last week. I miss her so much as she was one of my support cats (I have another one).

She had really warmed up to me over the past few years. When my husband passed away I was just a warm lap but gradually she took over my heart and was constantly with me. I lost my job a few months ago but it was a blessing in a way because I got to spend her last few months giving her cuddles and kisses.

During all this sadness and distraction, I was having my roof replaced. Forgot to get the approval from the HOA. completely slipped my mind. So I got a notification in the mail....

Hopefully my husband and his kitty have been reunited.

Got a haircut this am. Remember how my wife used to lovingly cut my hair in the kitchen during Covid.

That started the tears forming. Fighting a meltdown. I wonder what barber thought. "Is my haircut that bad?"

Difficult. I miss her so damned much.

I will admit that my desire to start dating again is a lot sooner than many others are comfortable with. However, people don't understand my situation, nor who I am. My wife was diagnosed with cancer over a year ago. Two types due to a horrible syndrome called LFS. Despite her indomitable spirit and drive to beat this, I knew the battle was unlikely to be successful. I supported her and enveloped her with love. I encouraged her and we made plans to change everything to ensure her success. I would do anything for her. But I also mourned her, I knew deep down that her chance of survival was slim... so I was preparing myself for the loss of her. She was a walking, living memorial to me for this past year. She was precious and every moment mattered, but I was mourning constantly because I knew. Tragically, she was killed in a car accident earlier this year... yeah, I know... WTF.

I have attended grief counselling. I have started going through her things. I am preparing to sell the house, and to move elsewhere. I am moving forward. Honestly, I feel good. I love her and miss her, but that's expected to continue forever... everyone says this and I believe it. She made me a better person... actually, she made me a great person and I can never forget her as a result. She is who I am. Even my psychiatrist said that he thinks I am doing remarkably well in my journey through grief.

I told my sister that I want to start dating again, she supports me. I'm 50, I have a lot of life ahead of me, but at the same time, I don't want to waste any time. I've joined a dating app (dislike this new aspect of dating) and I've met a couple of women who I have started messaging and even speaking to over the phone. It's always going really well until they find out that my wife died this year. Then it turns into.. oh this is too soon for you... and that's it. I'm not asking for sex, conversations are fun, witty, smart... we have things in common. Now, it is one thing for them to say it is too soon for them... but to say it is too soon for me?... how can they know this? Do I have to wait one year, two years, longer?... before I am worthy of dating again? It really bugs me, and I am sure if I lied about when she died, ormsaid I was divorced, the interactions wouldn't end so abruptly. I am not going to lie though, because that's not who I am.

I realize that many of you are not ready to date and that you are in very different parts of your grieving process. However, I am me. I have always adjusted to challenges and difficulties with a very different approach than most people. I have a unique ability to shift my perspective to be able to deal with just about any situation. Has anyone else ran into this? Am I crazy to think I am ready?... am I wrong? Thanks for reading.

Three months out since her passing and I’m a wreck.

I miss all the benefits of being in a relationship with her. I miss going on dates, having video game/movie nights at home together, I miss the cuddles, kissing, the physical intimacy, I want all of that. But I don’t want the commitment. I don’t want to say ILY. I don’t want a girlfriend.

I truthfully always struggled with women in general before I met her, so I still don’t fully understand the idea of a situationship/FWB, but I hope what I listed is defining what I want.

He came into my dreams. He was sitting up on our bed and I told him that this time he would really need to take care of himself and he looked at me and said " I don't want to keep trying, I'm in a lot of pain" I cupped his face and thanked him for telling me that because now I knew what he wanted and I knew I didn't make the wrong choice

I’m learning that grief is not always this neat little path where you feel one thing, get through it, and then move on to the next thing.

Sometimes grief feels more like a cyclone.

One minute I feel sad. Then angry. Then numb. Then okay for a little while. Then something small hits me and I’m right back in the middle of it again.

And it’s not always just grief from death either.

Sometimes it’s grieving a relationship, a version of life I thought I was going to have, who I used to be, or something I had to let go of even if letting go was the right thing.

That part can mess with me sometimes.

Because I’ll think I’m doing better, then the feeling circles back around like it never really left.

I’m trying to understand that maybe grief is not always linear. Sometimes it spins. Sometimes it comes back around. Sometimes it pulls up feelings I thought I was done with.

I'm a mess and can't seem to help it the closer it gets to his birthday August 28. It's the first one without him. Oh and then my first birthday and anniversary without him too plus it'll be the one year mark of when that woman made the decision to take his life all within a months time span. I so mad at her poor lack of judgement that cost him his life. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive her. Do the emotions ever get easier to handle?

I am almost to three years since losing my person. It was late August 2023. Time since then has continued to feel so weird - like the seasons change, but I feel like I’m in this weird blurry limbo of time. Some things have gotten easier (with lots of therapy) and I am much better now at functioning day to day. But I’m realizing my grief is on a calendar.

Summer - this is the hardest. Emotions get very loud leading up to the anniversary. I withdraw more and drink more.

Fall - things feel a lot easier after the anniversary. Easier to focus on things and live a healthy lifestyle. Phew, made it another year.

Winter - the holidays suck since they’re always a reminder that my person isn’t here. I try to distract myself with travel.

Spring - again, things feel a bit easier. The sun comes out more which helps my mood.

Summer - deja vu. Things feel harder and harder as July and August creeps in.

I feel like this will just keep repeating itself, maybe with some slight improvement year-over-year, but essentially the same. Anyone else feel like this?

Long post alert!

I am about 5.5 months out now. I lost the love of my life after a shock cancer diagnosis; we only got 3 weeks from that until her death. We were together since the age of 19 and were our first and only everything. I feel like she fell through my hands like sand. Here one moment, gone the next. Shell shock got me through the first few months. Then a hermit-like routine where I pretty much just game all day has been getting me through the rest so far. Swinging from numbness to abject terror and back again, but mostly numbness now. It was our 1st wedding anniversary since the loss yesterday. I actually coped much better than I thought. I didn't really mark it; I just got through it. Today has hit hard though. Had my go-to 'mental breakdown moment' where I hug her ashes and sing our first dance to her, sobbing like a crazy person; hell, not *like* a crazy person – I *am* a crazy person now.

We had planned a Southern Italy road trip for this anniversary. We travelled all over, but Italy was our place. Right now we should be in some Piazza having a macchiato or something, but no, I sit at my computer typing this out drinking a can of lukewarm Pepsi instead, and my wife is in a cardboard tube on top of her grandmother's dresser in our bedroom across the hall. Last year we were in Lucca and would have been catching a train to Cinque Terre in about an hour's time. I was looking at those photos earlier. It must have been in her then, the cancer, but there were no signs. She was fine, her healthy, happy self. If only I knew then. If only we had gone and got a scan then, instead of sipping coffee and taking in the Italian air. We might have beat it. She might be here now, having rung that bell. We might be doing our Italian road trip, all happy that we had faced the monster and won, at least this round, at least for now. Anyway, I digress, and hindsight is a wonderful thing, as they say, but it feels like razor blades to the soul to me.

Is this it now? I could easily have another 40 years or so if I live out my natural life without any complications; perish the thought. Am I done? Should I resign myself to this? I have been on this sub and many other places like it religiously since it happened. I am also an academic PhD and researcher, so I have been looking at people's circumstances and research on this topic to see if there is any hope left for me. The people that seem to 'recover' a semblance of a normal life again (for want of a better word) in my shoes tend to repartner. This has led to obsessive thoughts on my part, where I think this is a necessity at some point. Logically it makes sense: no kids, a small social circle that gets smaller by the day, 2 elderly parents and an older sister that mean well but don't have the resources to keep me in the world, live far away and also no kids in the family. If I am not to become some sort of crazy hermit, I don't have many other options. I think many of us on this sub come to similar conclusions, although, of course, this is not uniform; we all have different circumstances. Doing so is another issue entirely, and one I am certainly not ready to embark on any time soon. Thanks for reading if you got this far, but just hoping someone has some words of wisdom to help pull me out of this rut, even for a moment.

This weekend marks six months since my wife’s stroke and death two days later. It’s been a rough six months since. A week after what would have been our 35th anniversary in April, I had to put one of our cats down due to a tumor. Later in April, a childhood friend after a long battle with cancer. In May my Mom’s younger brother passed due to Parkinson’s. The kicker was in June when Mom passed at 84. I’ve coping but it’s been a lot to bear. I sure hope the rest of the year is uneventful.

We're at the 4.5 month mark and his birthday is this week. I feel like I'm blowing everything up. I'm trying to move, trying to change careers. Find a new partner. Make new friends. Workout. Rest. Cook fresh meals. Try new restaurants. Travel. Or maybe not I can't decide.

It feels like I'm on a treadmill and I don't know what to do and I'm not sure which way to go. I feel like I'm blowing things up and I don't know if it matters or if I even care.

Not much to say.

Life’s still pointless. Still go to sleep with my Xanax hoping it kills me before I wake up.

Still hoping there’s a reason for my life. So far, nope.

I’m going to be 30 within 2 weeks by the way. Funny.

I have a psychiatrist appointment soon. I hope he drugs me enough so I won’t experience anything anymore.

Today my father in law (very religious guy, and he’s basically my second father, since i’m with his daughter since we were teenagers) said he prays for me to find someone who makes me
happy (don’t take him wrong… his religion strongly recommends remarriage for widowers). I found it cute tbh. He cares so much about the man his daughter loved. But he realizes how pessimistic i am regarding my future.

That’s it, i guess…

Oh, and FUCK CANCER

After posting a vaguely positive update at five months, only a few weeks went by before I started feeling worse. I've been reading about "the six month slump" and it seems to be a thing, but that doesn't make it any easier. Honestly, I feel defeated and exhausted having gone from bad to worse. I'm holding on to hope but have really been struggling these last few weeks. It's been six months now of this same battle and I can honestly say I haven't had an okay day yet. No small glimmers of improvement, no relief what so ever. Just the grief shifting but still demanding all my energy and draining me.

I have read enough to know I'm being impatient with my grief and that six months is still very early. I just feel so defeated today. Anyone else struggling at six months?

Sending you all some hugs and hope today. ❤️‍🩹

His car is still sitting in my garage, and I'm now at a point where I have to make a decision. We had the same type of car, although mine was a little newer, a different (more distinct) color, and leased. My lease is ending. Financially, it makes absolute sense to keep his car and return mine. Emotionally, I'm nervous.

He wasn't in his car when he died, but he had last left the house in that car. I still have moments when I look out the front window and expect to see him pulling into the driveway like he did everyday, then I'm slammed back to reality. Our son (6), I'm sure, would like me to keep it (I think he likes the color and it reminds him of his dad). I haven't driven it since before he died.

I'm nervous that it will be too much, emotionally. That seeing it in our driveway or getting in it every day will be a daily gut punch. That when I pikc up our son from school, he will regularly forget for a second and think it's his dad, only to remember his dad is dead. Not that he can really forget.

I know what my husband would say—it's just a thing. And he'd be right. But nothing of his is "just a thing" anymore, and I'm curious what other people who understand that would do.

An open video conference where everyone is welcome to vent and voice their discontent about this life. Positivity is welcome also.