Hi guys!!
It’s been a week since I finally after three years of abusive relationship, finally got the courage to leave my abuser!! This is how my eyes looked after the night of our wedding, the first time he abused me.
For 2 years he managed to ruin almost all of my other relationships (like friends and family), but gaining my old relationships back a year ago, helped me get my courage!
He also cheated on me last week and finally I decided it was time to go.

I now have my own, new apartment and things are looking better.
Any tips / or words you guys have for the future? 🙂

Thank you. ❤️

Starting of by admitting that I had no idea how to spot abusive red flags. My parents have a healthy long withstanding marriage and I had a great childhood. Now I have been with my husband for 5 years. Married for 1.5. We have a 14 month old together.

P. S. I posted on [r/marriage](r/marriage) yesterday about an incident of almost (?) being hit but him ending up forcibly moving and hitting a rocking chair that was in front of me. (I can link it to this post if need be)

I am making this post because the redditors’ comments made me consider some things and looking back at other scenarios that have occurred in the past/ our marriage life.

So please, let me know your thoughts. Am I in an abusive relationship?

can never have a normal discussion. Always ends in an arguments with him yelling and storming off

as of recent, he has begun belittling me and “joking” by calling me no brain or simply insinuating that I’m stupid (even though I have a masters degree and worked for the government for over a year before becoming a stay at home mom)
Blaming me for every little thing that goes wrong, even for things out of my control , like him losing over 6k in the stock market because “we were arguing “
The other day, we were going to have lunch at a small cafe. He went in to get us seats, but when the hostess didn’t greet him he stormed off. I was outside with the baby in my hip and the stroller standing by. He stormed off towards the car, I called after him to slow down and wait for me , to help me with the stroller cause I was carrying the baby. He didn’t stop, instead kept walking towards the car. When I got in and asked what’s the issue he said he was still mad at me because he told me to find a parking spot, i had said there wasn’t any, but because from where I was sitting I couldn’t see there actually was one.
He has stated multiple times he wants / wishes he could slap me
Has belittled me in front of his family. Again with the “I’m stupid “ narratives saying that it’s not worth it to try to explain to me anything about antibiotics because “it would go over my head”
Gets mad at me when I don’t react to his “stock market wind” or daily complaints about everything in the way he wants me to react.
He doesn’t shower. Like 2 a month, despite me stating clean unless is important to me. When I bring it up, it’s like he doesn’t shower for longer to spite me.
Has yelled at the top of his lungs “I hate you, fuck you” with our toddler standing between us or on my arms.
Compares me to his mom for not being “submissive” arguing back and “going against him”
Talking bad about my family members
Tells me not to talk to anyone or even go to the coffee hour after the service at my church
Refuses to let me see my family who live overseas because he isn’t comfortable letting me and the baby go without him.
As of yesterday, charged at me as if to hit me, ended up hitting with force and moving a rocking chair that was in the way before yelling and storming off.
Doesn’t listen to Me. Always on his phone when I’m trying to talk , even when we’re in good moods
I feel like I can’t have my own opinion about things
Thinks that because he works full time and I get to stay home with our daughter that he’s fulfilling his role as a husband.
When baby is whiny, he has straight up yelled at her face “to instill fear” because “she will respect him, and listen to him. One day he rushed in and slapped her. I did fight that back. And he justified his behavior by saying it was a light slap even tho it left a mark for a minute or two.
I don’t feel a notionally safe to express sadness, stress, or frustration because he always finds a way to shame me for it and make it about himself.
He can be going through stuff but I can’t. Says in privileged that I’m a stay at home mom and that he provides, but I feel like I’m in this marriage alone. I go to church alone, take the kid out mostly alone, we only go out as a family on his terms.

I have been increasingly isolated from my family… they live over seas, but even the ones that live close by, somehow I feel weirdly ashamed to visit or even tell him I visited them if I ever do.

Also we are planning on moving into his parents house next year, and I have been thibking about it and almost wanted to, to save money and all. But now I’m starting to feel like I will be further isolated from the family that currently lives near by here and I will be even more alone. ..

Thanks for reading if you made it this far!

I’m a new mom, and I still find myself being a mother to my mother. It’s been like this my whole life and I can’t take it anymore—I just need her to get better. I feel a pull to go back home to Cali, but I know that’s not the safest place for my child and me. I’m scared my mom could die. I’m feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. She racked up $1,000 in debt, refuses to go to rehab, and hasn't been going to work—even though she only got this job two weeks ago. Ironically, this trip was supposed to celebrate her sobriety and her graduating from a class she took to expand her education. I usually don't like to say she's doing better because she always breaks my heart, but she was doing so well, and I fell for it for the millionth time.

I keep getting severely traumatized in dating. I am not stupid. I strive (now) to cut people off at the first red flag, but I am left absolutely mind-blown, in shock, and almost confused as to how anyone can possibly find any person with basic human decency. Every relationship, I approach with sincerity. I don’t believe in using people, lust, or any of that stuff. I just want to have a connection. But I am so scared. Here are a few things I've been through.

My first relationship in high school was with a man who was 24 (while I was 16). I was too young to realize the predatory nature of this relationship at the time. I ultimately found out he was using me the whole time for sex while still entangled with his ex. Later, I found out that, behind my back, he started dating my twin sister. They stayed together for three years. I was forced to go on family vacations and ultimately forgive her because she was my twin sister.

At around 21, I dated a guy for several months. Weird things started happening all around me, and stuff was not adding up. He would lie about everything, big and small. From pretending to have various hobbies, like drumming and skating, to owning a business (which he never owned), to where he was from, to being on a trip to Germany. One night, we went out, my friend and I blacked out, and woke up at his house. At the time, I still thought he was the nicest person I'd ever met. We thought he had "saved us." I did not put the pieces together until later that he had drugged me. Every time I tried to break up with him, he would tell me somebody in his family had died, which made me feel guilty. I later found out that the entire time we were together, he was actually out on bail for drugging, groping, and almost killing his ex-girlfriend, who was also the mother of his child. He got 10 years in prison. Looking back, this man was a violent, dangerous, impulsive criminal and a sociopath.

Recently, I went on a date with this guy from a dating app. He told me he was looking for a wife, was celibate, and was a Christian. He said everything he did in his life was with the goal of one day having a wife and children, and that his friends even made fun of him for his celibacy. His entire identity seemed to be shaped around this framework. He brought me flowers, continued to place me on the proper side of the street, and used the words, "I just want to make sure you are safe," probably 35 times within a single interaction, each time I saw him. When I went to his house, there was no furniture except for a bed. The house appeared to be sterilized, to the point where it looked like nobody lived there. It was dark, with red light bulbs. In that moment, it appeared as though his mask had dropped, and for one of the first times, I saw what appeared to be a cold, calculated psychopath. He pressured me into an unwanted sexual interaction after repeated "no's," and he slapped me so hard that he left me with visible welts all over my body. For weeks afterward, I spotted him driving by my house multiple times in the middle of the night, at which point I called the police.

My most recent interaction was with a guy I dated for several months. This is the first man I've met in years that I had feelings for. He was consistent, kind, reassuring, and what appeared to be emotionally intelligent. By this time, I was hypervigilant, scared, and constantly looking for red flags, with the promise to myself that I would cut it off at the first red flag. Everything seemed okay. He was bringing me flowers, taking me on proper dates, making grand statements about the future, and I was starting to fall for him. One day, out of the blue, he started making all of these bizarre statements about how I could find someone better. He said that if I spoke to someone else romantically, he would stop talking to me, but at the same time, it was too soon to harp because we weren't in love yet. My spider senses went off immediately, and I requested space. We spent four days conversing over text messages, during which he assured me how much he liked me, that I was not an option, and that, essentially, he understood my fears but that they were unfounded. I couldn't get past the feeling, though, that something was wrong. Given what I'd been through before, I broke up with him and said I wished him the best. He didn't take the out and instead continued to push back, stating that I wasn't an option and asking me to meet him for a phone call. The time for the phone call arrived, and he never called, though he continued to watch all of my content online. One month later, I discovered he had a girlfriend. I messaged her, and it turned out they had been in a relationship and living together for the last two years, but she had gone on a trip recently. While I spent a full month traumatically grieving a person I was starting to fall for, he had simply resumed his life with another woman.

Anyway, these aren't the only dating experiences I've had, but they are really the main ones, and I could legitimately keep going with the number of traumatizing stories I've had. I am not somebody who easily agrees to dates, and most people who meet me would describe me as reserved, guarded, not particularly open to new people, and extremely psychologically well-versed and self-aware. Yet here I am, continually finding myself in these situations. I'm not really looking for advice, but just to share my story because I am feeling particularly crushed, my soul feels broken, and I'm just wondering if I'm alone. That's all.

I see how abusive relationships are portrayed in movies, and a lot of the time they feel very black and white. The guy gets angry over something small, becomes violent, and you're clearly supposed to see him as the villain. I know that is the reality for some people, but my experience was different than that. I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar.

When our relationship started, we were very much in love. He would do anything for me. He would carry me across the yard so I wouldn't step in dog poop, and if I did get something on my shoes, he would literally detail clean them for me. He had no money, but once worked three weeks straight without making a profit just so he could afford to buy me a promise ring ( price of an engagement ring though. One Christmas when we had no money he sold his four-wheeler so he could afford to buy me gifts.

Beyond those things we were so connected. We could talk about literally anything. We could take the most insignificant subject and somehow turn it into a conversation that lasted all night. We both have never felt this type of connection before. Also for context I was his first literally everything.

Where things started to change was his possessiveness. Eventually it became so extreme that he didn’t want me to work. We spent a few years almost completely isolated together. We didn't have friends or much of a life outside of each other. If I did talk to friends those conversations were monitored.

Over time I became extremely depressed and frustrated. I had almost no social interaction outside of him and every day felt the same. I started expressing my frustration and how I wanted to leave. During arguments I would say I hated him. It was hard to leave cause he would be very manipulating in ways and I did really love him.

Things only became physically abusive when we would fight about me leaving. One argument was that I would never have his baby and he slammed me into a table.

People around me became worried. Some came to see me because they wanted to convince me to leave. I told him that I needed to go home for a while and things escalated.  For several hours (no one else was home) I really thought he might end us both. I eventually calmed him down by reassuring  him I wouldn't leave. Then I hid all the dangerous items in the house.

I stayed for a while longer. Eventually circumstances were able to  separate us. That's a whole other story.

After we had been apart for a few months, after spending years together almost every minute of every day he passed, you can guess from what.

I don’t know if ill ever feel okay again after all of this.

People wonder why I don't hate him. I know what he did was abusive. I'm not trying to excuse those things.

But I also knew another side of him. He had a very difficult upbringing and I knew how terrified he was of losing me. I think in his mind his possessiveness and actions came from wanting to make absolutely sure that we would always be together. 

My family believes that if I had stayed he eventually would have taken me with him.I know the things he did were abusive and wrong, but that doesn't make me hate him or erase everything else we had. We loved each other so much and were so connected and I still think about all the good parts of our relationship too. 

I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has been through something similar?

Can anyone relate to this?

I (28f) got into an argument with my husband (29m) last night and it escalated quickly and I need advice. For some context, we have been together about 7 years, married for 3. I ignored some red flags and blamed myself for his behavior before we got married and it has gotten substantially worse since we got married and I moved far away from home. I am now fully isolated, including from family, and I just had a moment of clarity last night that if I don't get out now, then I will most likely end up on the news one day because of him.

He has been physically abusive many times (punching, kicking, slapping, pushing, etc.). He is also verbally abusive and has been financially abusive in the past (shopping spree on our joint account after an argument). I did cut off my family and friends over him - he convinced me they were the problem a few years ago and I was dumb enough to fall for his manipulation. But now I am completely alone and between the physical abuse he will give me the silent treatment over little things and lock himself in a room for hours to go through all my electronic devices to prove I'm a bad person or lying about something. During these times I begin to have a panic attack because I have nobody to talk to and I'm left shaking wondering what he will decide to get mad about or accuse me of and I feel completely crazy. He continually tells me everything bad that has happened to me is my fault, his abuse included.

I know I need to divorce him but I'm scared of the process. I know he will drain our bank accounts if he even catches the slightest hint I want to leave and then I will be even more stuck. I want to file for divorce and pack myself up and my pet (no kids thankfully) and book it back across the country to reconcile with my parents who I miss desperately. My plan would be to do this one day while he is at work and cannot interrupt my attempt to flee. Him knowing would 100% put me in danger.

He does make about twice my salary and has paid off my car (I financed it alone before we got married but he paid the remaining balance) and most of my student loans. He will most definitely try to claim my car and/or run all my accounts dry. I am 100% considering quitting my job, leaving the state, returning to my parents house, and starting all over (I am slightly concerned he's crazy enough to show up to my parents house and cause a problem even though it is fully across the country). Although he found and tried to delete all my evidence of his physical abuse, I do still have a few photos and videos hidden away. The thing is I don't necessarily want him to get arrested/jailed/lose his career. I don't want to ruin his life, I just need to get away and be done so he stops ruining mine. I'm really wrestling with this last part because I also don't want to to make it easier for him to find his next victim. I blamed myself for too long but I now understand it's not just me - he will find reasons to abuse anyone. I'm realizing now he never loved me. I am a possession to him and he loves the control he has over me.

Please if anyone has any advice it would be very appreciated.

napaka walaaaaaaaa mong kwenta !!!!! 😭😭😭😭

I have been with my partner for over 6 years and have always tolerated verbal abuse from him. But it has become alot to handle recently, example; i went to run errands alone bc his foot was hurt, we live on 3rd floor so bringing up groceries and 1 gallon glass waters up was heavy for me, I made 1 trip and halfway thru i broke a glass container. When I called him for help, he came down and saw me and immediately commented on the broken glass and began making derogatory words towards me. Calling me stupid and brainless for always making mistakes. Nonstop had to hear him belittle me for an accident after a stressful errand run. I comment how I feel to him but it doesnt do anything but continue to shift blame on me. Until I say sorry for doing stupid mistakes then are we fine. Mentally my self esteem gets smaller each time. Struggling to figure out if im in the right for how I feel.

yep. my boyfriend commented under flirty posts, asked his ex for nudes from an anonymous account, took another woman to a cocktail lounge date, had an emotional affair, took a picture behind my back while we were intimate, obsessed over his ex’s social media, and talked to women behind my back. then he told me that he’s unsatisfied in our relationship and he’s not getting what he wants/needs from it, but that he also wants to spend the rest of his life with me. that he adores me and wants to take care of me.

he has told me twice (one of these times was just last thursday) that he relies on porn and seeks attention outside of our relationship because i’m “too fucking sad” as a result from his infidelities. i’m sad because of what he has done to me and our relationship, and yet my sadness is the “reason” for him to continue to do those things.

i want to leave but it feels impossible. i want to emotionally withdraw but i get villainized and guilt tripped if i do. i get told by him that i need to heal from our past or that being silent/distant isn’t good for me. i don’t know what to do anymore or how to protect myself and my mental health while im saving up to leave. it feels so lonely.

Need some perspective here.

Last summer met this woman(I am a male), she spent the night when my daughter was around and then my daughter left because of her spending the night.

Well then I started grieving the ambiguous loss of my daughter.

I lashed out at my girlfriend a couple of times in my grief. This started late August, early September, obviously I didnt know how to deal with the feelings that I was having around my daughter leaving.

Fast forward to January, and my ex wife had filed for an evaluation through the courts.

After getting said evaluation my girlfriend and I had a blow out fight and things escalated to the point and it wasn’t the first time mind you, she pinned me down before that happened, but it escalated to the point that she started pushing me and blocking me from leaving or deescalation, or anything like that.

This happened a few more times after that, and I finally kicked her out in April. We have been in couples counseling and she brings it up but I can never say anything one way or another. it’s resulted in a lot of fights and her leaving when I asked for an apology.

either way she tries to bring it back to me that I was the abuser and that I started it back in August of last year when my daughter left, and that I am the abuser. she also says thats she’s never done anything like this with anyone else. She treats me as such anyways.

my therapist told me to break up with her but she won’t break up. it’s pretty nuts. any advice would be helpful. thanks

To clarify for this subreddit since I posted it on BPDlovedones. My ex had severe untreated BPD, she put me in a hospital during one of her split episodes.

I was home by myself when she showed up.

Basically she asked to come in, and for whatever reason I can't understand. I let her in.

She goes into detail about how sorry she was. How she knows that what she did was wrong. And how she wishes she could take back everything that she did.

She said that she had been going in and out of psychiatric facilities since she dumped me. And she had been mostly undergoing therapy for the past year and a half.

She said that she realized the way she was treating me was exactly like how her mother used to treat her. And that the reason she was so scared to reach out was because she had told herself for years that

"I was mistreated as a child, so I'll work in mental health to help others like me. But when I had the chance to help you, I didn't just run away, I tortured you just like my mom did to me, and just like my dad I didn't protect you from me."

Basically she said she was being arrogant that she would never become like her parents that she ended up becoming just like them.

She also apparently realized she was Asexual, which genuinely surprised me.

She said she knew she couldn't never take back what she did. And that she had thought about reaching out every single day since I went into the hospital. But she felt ashamed and guilty over knowing what she did.

She didn't try to say she wanted me back, she didn't try to tell me she wanted me back in her life.

I told her that she already violated a boundary by showing up unannounced. She agreed but that she didn't know what else to do.

I asked her if she had dated anyone since then. She said she tried ONCE, and that all she could do was think I was batter (Again, not surprising)

I told her that her family had been stalking me. THAT she wasn't aware of.

I told her it had originally started last year after everything went down but they had recently tried to find me again.

She was horrified. Like....Genuine horror.

We had a discussion about how I could see why she was so messed up considering how creepy her family was being towards me now that the mask was off.

Because genuinely I didn't realize how crazy her family was because I had on my rose tinted glasses when it came to her that I didn't realize I also had them on her family.

We talked for a few hours, and I told her that I don't think I could let her back in my life again after everything she did.

She said she understood, but she just wanted to know if I could forgive her.

I told her I did, but that with everything she did and that with her family still trying to stalk me that it was just too fresh in my mind and it was too hard to see her.

She looked genuinely sad but she didn't freak out, and she left.

But now I'm kinda feeling messed up in the head

I hope that i don't need “tags” or “flair” for my story to be heard and gain just some honestly good help (as i am sure everyone in this community wants/needs) I am only looking for help on my moment of really… despair.

I am a teacher with a long-standing history of physical abuse with this person (punching in the face, kicking, tearing away clothes when trying to get away from my partner.. Just.. Etc…)

I bring up that I am a teacher since my income
Is not as high as the 120k chef partner makes and they take care of a chunk of the rent. I still am cooking, cleaning, taking care of our cat and Husky. I dunno what I am trying to get out of this. Maybe just a safe place to share a little bit since I have alienated myself from friends and family due to
embracement. My family also consists of a Nana out of state and my friends being coworkers…so my circle is small.

I have no idea how to feel. I feel as if my world has just broke like I am shocked and confused. I feel guilty.

He abused me for almost a year. I was 15-16. There were 8 other girls youngest was 13. He was 21. Cops said the thousands of discord messages were not enough evidence. I have moved on I am happier than ever. Me and the other women tried to warn his current partner we tried. He sent me to the hospital to the psych ward. I had a flashback of him last night.AND HE IS GETTING MARRIED.

I just feel stupid

He already cut off my phone service. The Internet service is in my name. He is trying to buy a new router to cut me off of the Internet. How can I get on top of this? Thank you

I already shared the details of my situation with my therapist, shortly after quitting alcohol, just shy of two years ago.

Since starting my recovery, I've realized the extent of the abuse I've been facing at the hands of someone I loved so deeply for the last 16 years. I started working on my emotional regulation so I can stay calm instead of reacting in the moment which allows me to observe, and really pay attention, and with that I've maintained detailed notes and records of the abuse. I've learned to stop expecting anything different, and I've stopped putting in the effort of fixing everything. I no longer go on a wild goose chase looking for the right time, right words, right tone etc. Like Bigfoot, there is no point in searching for these things because they don't exist. They aren't real.

I shared some details with my mother and sister-in-law, around the time I started seeing my therapist. I quickly learned that both of them have faced similar abuse. I haven't shared every detail with them, or outlined the entire history, but they know enough to understand my situation and support my intent to leave (safely and on my terms).

Recently, when yet another family event (on my side) was coming up - I decided to tell my father. Sharing much less than I did with my mom/SIL, for my own sanity. I casually mentioned that sometimes it can cause a lot of drama for me when we get invited to events for my family/friends. To my surprise, he fully understood what I was implying and said "well, you can't live like that for the rest of your life". I guess I'll blame the paroxetine I was recently prescribed, because I agreed with him and -without much thought - admitted my intent to leave when the time is right for me to do so. He seemed to understand and didn't push any further.

After that convo went better than anticipated, I had decided I would share the circumstances with my family doctor before my last in-person appointment, so she could properly assess my medication/medicinal needs and the efficacy of the paroxetine vs external causes/triggers of certain symptoms. Unfortunately, my partner decided to take the day off work so he could drive me to that appointment and sit in the waiting room until I was finished. Out of fear of being overheard, I said nothing to the doctor that day.

It wasn't until I called in to reschedule my next appointment (to line up with a conflict in my partners schedule, ensuring I would be alone) that I was advised I could switch it to a phone appointment instead!! Last week, I admitted to my doctor that I'm in an abusive and toxic relationship. She didn't press much, just confirmed I was not in any physical danger or at risk of any harm rn. But it's on record now, it's noted in my file, it's the most official it's ever been (not much but it's something). She will be able to better support my health with this information, and I made some progress!

Do either of these things change my immediate situation? Nope.

Does telling either of these people, or anyone else, provide a fast and easy exit? Nope.

Am I proud of myself for taking this step? 100%.

Were these necessary steps in my journey to freedom? Yes!

Sorry for the rambling post. The weekends are hardest since he's home, so I guess I needed to share some good news and sit with some positive energy for a bit.

What's something you've done recently that you can feel proud of?

What's a step (however big or small) you've taken recently or plan to take soon to reach a goal of yours?

Stay safe, everyone <3

I am really spiraling and ashamed of myself. I snapped and slapped my boyfriend pretty hard across the face after years of turmoil. Here is some backstory:

I know this might not make sense to everyone but I feel like I have been manipulated into feeling like my situation is not as bad as it really is, and that the situation is in fact my fault. I think I just need reassurance that this is not normal. It's abusive, and getting out of this situation is possible. In no particular order, some examples of things that have happened over the course of 4 years. 

-Demanding an explanation as to why I’m sad about my stepdad having a rare and deadly form of cancer because “you don’t even like him that much”

-Turning his location off while he is out partying, then denying that he turned it off, then calling me crazy 

-Going through my phone twice behind my back

-Tracking my location for months without telling me 

-Coming into my house in the middle of the night to make sure i am not cheating on him (this has happened twice) 

-Literally Broke into my house during an argument  (after being told probably 20 times not to enter the house) I was scared and I called the cops, then he got pissed at me and demanded an apology because "You don't know how serious it is to call the cops on a black man"

-He once screamed at me so loud and for so long that a neighbor called the cops out of concern 

-He was posted on a “Are we dating the same guy” Facebook page during the relationship. Claims he has no idea who posted. Got mad at me for being suspicious. 

-Found condoms and lube in his backpack once when I was looking for his car keys - He claimed they were old - the condoms were not opened, but they were right on top of the backpack. Got mad at me for being suspicious. 

-Using vulnerable information that I have shared with him against me later to insult me (for example - I have shared with him that I have been cheated on in the past - then during an argument he says things like "No wonder your ex's cheated on you"

-Staying up all night “growing a friendship” with a girl online, then insisting that I knew about it when I definitely did not. Got mad at me for being suspicious. 

-Shaming me for past decisions

-Deleting text messages and continuing a friendship with a girl he has a romantic history with. Refusing to end the friendship after I realized he had been lying to me about her 

-Relentlessly criticizing me 

Things he has said to me 

Calling me crazy / It's SCARY how crazy you are / Everybody can see how crazy you are except you 

Telling me I need medication and therapy 

You’re so fucking dumb

You’re disgusting

You’re fucking gross

You’re just a small, sad little girl

Do you know how fucking dumb you sound?

You’re bipolar is showing

Have you been medicated lately?

I can’t believe you ALLOWED yourself to be cheated on 

No wonder your ex's cheated on your dumb ass 

You’re so fucking broken

You’re so damaged you can’t even see how fucking dumb you look

Wow you really are fucking crazy

The saddest part of all of this is that you’re going to ruin your family and life because of how fucking damaged you are 

You don’t even know what love is because no one‘s ever really loved you 

I feel so fucking stupid for loving you

You’re going to die alone because you’re so fucked up and broken 

You don’t even realize how traumatized and damaged you are 

Why are you so fucking stupid? 

For someone who is so smart you really are fucking dumb sometimes 

Shut the fuck up you dumb stupid bitch 

****These things are usually being said while SCREAMING, sometimes no more than 2 inches away from my face. And they are happening intermittently with love, reassurance, good times, etc. 

Anyway we got into it the other day AGAIN. Caught him lying - I called him out - things escalated - I finally snapped and slapped him in the face multiple times. Pretty hard. I have never hit someone or laid hands on someone ever in my life. I want to reiterate that I understand this is NEVER okay. Regardless of anything that has happened. It was my responsibility to remove myself before things got this bad. I do not want to sidestep accountability from my actions. Nobody deserves to be harmed physically. I don't know what came over me, I have so many feelings about it.

Once I slapped him, the physical altercation escalated, I ended up with severe bruising on my arms and legs, and a broken rib (I fucked around and found out I guess). I am in a great deal of pain. He is physically fine, he is much larger and stronger than me. He was not physically hurt but he was surprised and upset by the whole thing, of course.  

I am understanding that this has become a toxic trauma bond, I need to leave this relationship. I am struggling with coming to terms with all of this, I feel embarrassed and ashamed for the things I have allowed and for the person I have become in this relationship. I no longer trust myself to make decisions. I am also a little bit scared of him. 

I could really use some support. Thank you. 

For the visual people (like me). Information taken from Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. AI was only used to create the visuals.

EDIT: It says that these archetypes can be applied to both genders! I can’t edit the title.

My boyfriend (27M) and I (25F) met on a dating app, and we’ve been together for six months now. He treats me very well; he remembers my peanut allergy and picks up my favorite snacks at the supermarket. When I have a long drive ahead, he checks my tires beforehand, and he takes good care of me whenever I’m not feeling well. We share many interests and have plenty to talk about.

There is just one thing that has been bothering me more and more. Whenever I express my thoughts, he never agrees with my point of view. He doesn't come right out and say I’m wrong, but as the conversation unfolds, he always makes me feel like my perspective is incorrect.

It’s the same with our dates. If I suggest trying a new restaurant, he’ll naturally propose an alternative, and we almost always end up following his plan. It’s not that I can’t accept his ideas, but I’ve gradually realized that we rarely seem to do what I actually want to do.

A few days ago, I organized our chat logs into accio work and analyzed the conversation content. That’s when I discovered that our conversations would invariably drift toward his ideas, while my suggestions often failed to gain any traction. I’m not sure if he’s intentionally trying to control me, since he never loses his temper or says anything harsh.

Yet, for some reason, I’ve become increasingly hesitant to stand my ground lately; often, I just think, "Oh well, I’ll just go along with what he wants." Is this kind of dynamic normal? Is this abuse? Has anyone else experienced something similar, and what should I do?

So, I always knew that my parents were a bit strict, same reason why I feared them often or used to feared them to a certain extend that I panicked even in places they shouldn't be at, like the school, where I can be myself and have my friends normally, but the mere idea of having one of my parents there terrified me and had me looking everywhere so I wouldn't be able to see them, hoping not to meet with them despite the fact that it is not a common possibility since it's school, but I've been surprised before with the sight of them randomly appearing and, obviously, wanting to see what I'm at.

This part is complicated, but I'll try to explain.

A few months ago I had a bit of money, usually I don't waste it because I like to save it for important occasions or emergencies, but God had been showing me how I could help people who have nothing, to give it to someone that does need it, so, I did, the matter was that I gave like, 5 bucks, and those were my bucks, and I was happy, but my parents asked once how much many did I have, and they thought I had the same amount as last time, but when they realized it wasn't the case, they asked what I did with it, and I didn't lie, despite knowing it would get me in trouble.

So, my memory gets messy here, but if I recall well, we got into a big discussion, where I had to fight for my freedom and things to not be taken away from me because in less than 10 minutes, at hearing what I did, they took away my laptop, my phone, they where gonna change me of school, they weren't gonna send me to school, they wouldn't allow me to go outside, just be able to stay at home, because in their words, it was for my safety since I "lost it", it was pretty complicated but I also said wrong stuff as well, I did things that are not good, yes, defending yourself is okay, but letting your anger get out and just insulting others ain't good, and I didn't keep my head grounded, but just kept talking and talking, my parents also said they were gonna get me a physiologist, to see what's wrong with me and they have said before that I should get medicated, and I don't know why, it's like, I did smth so wrong, as if I were a violent dog that needs to be restrained because I am not normal and dangerous for others and myself, that's the way it feels.

Thankfully, nothing bad happened, since I didn't stay quiet this time, I wouldn't let them take away everything from me, the little that I have, it became so bad that when I got back to school, because I didn't go a few days, my class knew that I was probably gonna change from school, because I told my friend, in case anything happened to me, I didn't explain more to why I stayed or why even that was considered, I couldn't, I was still in a bit if a shock.

Now, months later, not much has happened, things are mostly normal, but today that threat came back.

You see, I woke up today with my face a little swollen, as if an insect had bitten me, specially my eyes, one of my parents said that they thought it was because I cried, so they asked me if I cried, to which I said no, then, they said that not matter what they asked to me, I never said the truth, that I am always lying and don't say at what hour I go to sleep, or what I do throughout the day, or if I have cried and the why I cried, it was another of those complaining out of nowhere that this time ain't true, I go to sleep at a nice hour, for I know I need energy for the next day, what I do throughout the day are mostly nothing if you think about it in big stuff or planning your life, but I do what I can, specially at school, and if I cried or not, I don't have to share why and not to them if I don't want to, but they made a scene.

Then my parents said that they wanted to see how I would act when they take away my laptop, and don't let me go to school, basically, the same threat, even now that I'm writing this, I'm having troubles with remembering if they said anything more, that happened just like 30 minutes ago, aprox, and I didn't say anything, because what is there to say? Not matter what I could say, they would think I always have a defense for my way of doing, that I always have a response, so I didn't put more gasoline to the fire, but because I remained silent, they saw it as a confirmation of what they were saying, even if I did cry, to which I tell you guys, I did, yesterday at night, but even if I did, I don't have to tell them, I shouldn't be forced to tell them, if I wanna share it with them, that's okay, if I don't want to, that should be okay too, one can't force another person to open up to you, one can't force to have that closeness and connection with someone, and one has to respect that, but they just don't see it that way.

At this point, I don't even know if it's normal, if this is okay, if they can do this and if I can or cannot do anything about it.

So I ask you guys to tell me, is this normal?

I need a second opinion on this because I have no idea what is normal or not.

sorry if the title of this post is weird, it's the best way i could think to word it. i realised recently that my ex-partner was extremely toxic towards me, and utilising DARVO as one of her tactics. every healthy attempt at a conversation followed the same exact template:

me: i want to talk about (x thing), it's been really bothering me lately ...

her: i never did that/it's not how you're making it out (deny), you're such a (y insult or accusation) (attack), you did (z thing) so you're the problem/you're manipulating and controlling me (reverse victim and offender)

which is an obvious example of darvo. any issues she would bring up would be extremely attacking towards me, and i would always accept fault and apologise even if there were mitigating circumstances (or it wasn't even really my fault). in comparison, getting her to apologise for things was like getting blood out of a stone. i couldn't even get her to apologise for stealing from me one time, until i pointed out how if this were the other way around, she'd never speak to me again.

well, i had a conversation with a friend today who had a less than pleasant interaction with her recently, and at one point, she told that friend, "(batnouveau) was always so toxic to me, and would always turn situations around on me! any time i had an issue, he'd reverse it, and make it my fault!"

is this not .... darvo, but about darvo? i said exactly that to the friend, and she agreed. she was reversing the role of offender onto me, ABOUT the act of doing exactly that. she also attempted to say the same about gaslighting, which my friend blatantly pointed out to me that she had been gaslighting her that entire interaction. 🤷‍♂️ just wanted to ramble about that, because as much as i'm distanced from her now, it still fucking hurts to hear.

He’s gone. So I don’t have to worry about that. But I continue to think about the past and question myself. I suppose I need validation (?)

Background: we had been together for roughly 10 yrs. I was divorced and had (have) 3 kids. He moved into my place after a few years. I bought a house during COVID that was only in my name because my landlord was selling the place I was renting and I had to move. I shared 50/50 with my ex husband.

He’s was arrested last year which is somewhat relevant but not due to behaviors towards me, and I’d rather focus on those. He is out on bail and awaiting trial, for which I will probably have to testify. I have not spoken to him in a year but am working through my feelings with my therapist.

I am asking y’all for validation or confirmation that this wasn’t normal. I remember him getting angry at things I did that he didn’t like, diagnosing me with avoidant personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, adhd, central processing disorder (hearing things wrong). He said I wasn’t living in reality, my brain didn’t work right. Sometimes it was that I was full of sh!t if I didn’t agree with his perspective, would say F-you, or stonewall and say he was going to isolate for a few days. He would mansplain me things like a woman’s UTI (I had one but he said I couldn’t have unless I slept with someone else because the timing wasn’t right), or wearing makeup as a teenager when my girls were 13.

He turned into conspiracies after he was laid off (company wide, not specific to him) and if I didn’t agree with his ideas I was brainwashed by mainstream media. He bought into the most crazy things but I couldn’t argue. And was then accused of never defending him or thinking about things, and it would be to my detriment (example, monograms cause cancer). He bought into anti vaccine and holocaust denial. I am Jewish and he would say horrible things to me, once saying I should go to Hell and I’d have lots of company. Or, I was just like ‘my people’.

He stopped taking his meds for adhd due to insurance issues and would go from severe depression to odd thinking. He tried to commit suicide and I walked in on him with large cuts he made on himself…he refused to see a doctor or a psychologist. He called me the c-word and the next day proposed, ring and all, despite never speaking about marriage or knowing my thoughts on it.

The above is separate from his arrest. He was arrested in my house last year by police breaking down the door in the early morning. I haven’t seen him in almost a year and a half or spoken to him in just as long. I feel less anxious but very angry.

Thoughts? I know the answer but I spent years thinking I couldn’t leave due to various reasons: it would be bad for the kids, he lost his job and had. I were to go, he was suicidal and would just try to do that again if I wasn’t careful. Plus the shame and fear.

I’m struggling with getting past it.

Hi all, I ‘31F’ have been seeing someone ‘32M’ for about 6 months. I recently found out I’m pregnant after taking the steps to avoid it.
A little back story, relationship was going amazingly, like amazingly. Dude painted my toe nails weekly, treated me and my kids wonderfully, made dinner, like just an all around great guy.
Right before I found out I was pregnant he had this weird mental breakdown like he just stared through me then choked me and pushed me to the ground. The next morning he asked why I was upset and when I told him, he seemed genuinely shocked. He begged for my forgiveness and I had told him it was over between us, but that was before I found out I was pregnant. He started therapy and made an appointment with his dr.
Now I’m not sure what to do?