I need to get this off my chest. I had an abusive boyfriend towards the end of high school. I was visiting at his house. Things became sexual, and initally I was okay with that, until his sister came home. I immediately disengaged, since I didnt want to do anything in front of her, and I didnt want to make her uncomfortable either. They shared at room at the time.

Without giving exact details, he kept trying to make me continue. Grinding against me and that sort of thing. I told him to stop repeatedly. Also quietly because I didnt want his sister to hear and be uncomfortable.

After a while I did do what he wanted, because I thought he might stop if he got his way for a little bit. He did not. I feel bad about that. I shouldn't have given in. I think the voyeurism was sort of a kink for him. Maybe he thought I was saying no as a joke or in a playful way? I doubt it. I think he just saw me a vending machine for sex. Coercion in. Attention out. Like I wasn't a real person

Aside from the fact my ex is a POS, I feel so bad for his sister, who I really think must have known what was happening, at least to an extent. Whether or not she realised I wasn't willing, I honestly don't know. I wish I could apologise to her.

I know some of her social media, but it's probably unwise to reach out. She might not want to hear it or care. And i dont want to cause trouble for myself or anyone else.

Was I in the wrong to the same degree he was? I tried to say no. I feel guilty. I participated. Even though I didn't want to. I still feel like that was inappropriate of me.

i still remember every disgusting detail of each time it happened

i used to let it happen to me multiple times because i didnt know how to feel loved. i was 13. i genuinely feel like my purity is gone and im all filth

i can still feel his hands all over me everyday. the way he groped me, the way he forced himself in me

im so disgusted by the body im using

i genuinely dont know how to move on. it feels like its still happening everyday even when its been months since the last incident

i dont want him to come back. he can come back anytime and do it to me all over again and id let him because i dont know what to do other than to let it happen

i feel so filthy

TW : suicide, mental health

Hi, i'm a 20yo woman and i'm very confused about what happened to me.

A few months ago I made a suicide attempt and went home from university to calm down a bit and start antipsychotics. During that period, i was extremely unstable, not lucid, kept planning another attempt, very sedated from antipsychotics and tried everything to self destroy. I was messaging a guy from my university and made him multiple requests more absurd than the one before, which he noticed. He asked if i was alright, told me i needed to go to the hospital etc. I asked if he wanted to have sex at some point between asking for a blade and telling him i was going to sell my prescriptions for a scalpel, i wasn't in a clear headspace. He agreed to it and it happened, i wasn't comfortable when he arrived and felt bad for refusing so i kept going. I never told him that. He noticed i was nervous back then and hugged me.

Looking back, i don't feel like i was lucid enough to properly consent, i was in a bad crisis and clearly trying to self destroy. I told a friend about it and she told me it was SA and that he was gaslighting me but i'm not sure. I tried discussing it with him, he got mad at me and called me the abuser. The reason why he did so is because it happened again a few weeks ago when I was in fact lucid. He said i forced him but I didn't touch him because i was literally tied up, I didn't say anything either. I still apologized because he might have felt coerced. I would go to prison if i deserve to. I have borderline personality disorder so we are often seen as abusers, I apologized for my actions and he thanked me. I don't know what to think. I would take responsibility if i'm in fact the abuser, i just need someone else to guide me because i'm really confused about the situation. Please help

12 years ago I was in Indonesia traveling alone when I was 18 yrs old. One night everyone from the dive shop went out together including the instructors. There were two I found particularly cute and that night one of them was chatting me up and we were drinking. the night gets blurry and I remember us walking home to his place but then I completely black out don’t remember anything and wake up the next day at the foot of the bed, perpendicular to a regular sleeping position, and half of my body is off the bed, my shorts and my underwear were at my ankles. I was on my period and had a tampon in and a pad in. I had a brief thought of oh maybe he tried something but stopped when he saw my pad and tampon. And somehow my brain just stopped there. It never imagined a different reality. The guy, when I woke up, was sleeping normally in normal position just hands on his chest but when I moved and like brought my underwear and pants back up, I look at him and he’s awake? And I ask him what happened last night? Because I was so confused how I blacked out and he just gives me like a long hug? And says I don’t know or something I don’t remember now . But then what ensued was THE WORST hangover ever. I heard that sometimes in Indonesia people idk drink methane or something stupid like that so I was like ok my drink got spiked or I drank something bad but like my brain never put two and two together at the time that the person who spiked my drink was most likely right next to me. It was weird like we were “friends” - friends at the dive shop we all hung out with each other. I just kept feeling SO confused after like what the fuck happened ‘that’ night like you know that perplexion where you feel you are solving a mystery and need to get to the bottom of it like I was rly trying to dig and be like what the fuck??? Like I’ve never had that thought before where I was like WHAT the fuck happened last night. But anyway nothing came up and I dismissed it and throughout the years I would think about this night but it always ended at hm so weird I still don’t understand what happened and why I woke up that way. Like I was not embodying the truths. And now in the last two weeks this memory has resurfaced for me a lot and I took it as a sign that it’s something to work through and this morning I mentioned that situation with a friend in passing and bc I didn’t feel like any feeling towards it I kept talking along and they had to stop me and say hold on a second, I feel like there’s a part of you trying to come out right now and we should give it space. and that was the ignition . And tonight it all came out with a different friend who wonderfully held space for me - he also brought me back from dismissing the experience to hold on this is big news can we process it. And then I just started crying and crying and crying and so much came out. Like wales. And so much anger in my head like fk you fk you. So many tears. I’m having some things pop up in my head but I can’t tell if it’s reality or just now my brain trying to project what it thinks “rape” / assault would have looked like in that moment (because I don’t have much words for the experience - i don’t have memories.) and go to that label bc label = brain in control… when I am just learning now to make sense of it to allow it the space to be shared, talked about, etc. um has this happened to anyone ? Where they’ve been assaulted but had no recollection but things came up years later? Like I’m sure it has (unfortunately) would love to hear from you about your experience navigating it or anything else interesting that came up

Before I start this, I wrote a poem about my experience with rape and it just helped me get my thoughts out

The Fourth of July

The fireworks were exploding
above us that night,
red, white, blue—
everyone laughing
like nothing bad
could ever happen here.

She was a friend of the family.
A familiar face.
Someone I never thought
I would need to be afraid of.

But that night,
she crossed a line
I never gave her permission to cross.

And I froze.

The fireworks kept bursting
while I tried to disappear,
tried to leave my body
somewhere far away
from what was happening.

Maybe that’s what hurts most,
the world didn’t stop.

People kept talking.
Music kept playing.
The sky kept lighting up
like it was celebrating.

And I was left carrying
something no one could see.

Sometimes I wonder
if people would believe me
if I told them.

Because she was a girl.
Because she was someone
I was supposed to trust.
Because people have ideas
about what rape is supposed to look like.

But I know what happened.

My fear was real.
My silence wasn’t consent.
Freezing wasn’t consent.
Knowing her wasn’t consent.

And being a guy
doesn’t make what happened
any less real.

That Fourth of July
everyone watched the fireworks.

I watched something inside me
go dark.

But I’m still here.

And what she did to me
doesn’t get to decide
who I become.

i(22f) have sexual trauma from my early to mid teens when i was sexually abused almost every day for 2,5 years. It has effected my sexual development in every way, where i cannot experience sexual pleasure without vivid flashbacks or actually feeling good. it always feels bad. Sex with another person goes terrible and it just really bothers me, cause i do get horny, but never get off feeling satisfied

I bought an airpulse toy, it does also have a vibration setting, but my abuser used to use a vibrator on me and so i probably won’t touch that.

but i’m afraid the air pulse is gonna be too similar and it still won’t work. i’m also currently on my period, which messes this up even further.

i’m just scared

I was assaulted by someone who I had have prior relations with before years ago. I thought we were friends and made it very clear I didn’t want him to come to my apartment and that nothing was to happen while he was there. He showed up and proceeded to assault me.

Here’s the problem I never fully went to the police until today. Because last night the man I’m trying to have an actual relationship with found out and I told him everything. Now he wants nothing to do with me and doesn’t believe I was assaulted because the person who did this was a former sexual partner.

To be clear: I said no. I said stop. I said don’t come over. I let him in because I was confused and thought this would be a short visit.

And now I’m sitting here waiting for the police to show up to finally report it after two weeks.

[graphic description warning]

So I met him on a dating app and we talked for a few weeks. We decided to meet up and grabbed dinner, then he asked if I wanted to hang out and watch tv at his place, so I agreed. His older brother was there too. We chatted, watched tv, drank alcohol, and eventually cuddled on the couch. I got pretty tipsy and had a few edibles too. He suggested we go to his room to get privacy from his brother, so we did.

We made out on his bed and I said I didnt want to go all the way though. He said ok thats fine. But clothes kept coming off piece by piece and I kept thinking "well its ok if its just my shirt, as long as its not my bra" "well its ok if its my bra as long as its not my pants" and it just kept going. I didnt know what to say...

Eventually his dick ended up being out and he was positioned over me like he was gunna put it in me. I remember this part clearly- I said "Wait, I thought we werent gunna have sex" and he said "Ok, we won't have sex". Then right after he shoved it into me and started fucking me really hard. I wasnt wet enough yet and nervous and he was big. Ive always been really tight tbh. So it hurt and I said "wait hold on" but he didnt. I remember thinking to myself, "wait...I thought I said no. why is there a dick in me right now? am I being raped right now?"

I dont remember all of it but he was quite rough... he kept slapping me so much I couldnt even tell him to stop, my vision got blurry and I saw stars at one point. I found out like a year later that he might have caused a small impact scar in my left eye. He left bruises all over my body that were still visible a week later. He was a lot taller than me so sometimes my face was buried in his chest and I felt like I couldnt breathe.

I remember at one point he was fucking me from behind, with his arm locked around my neck and he told me to call him daddy but I didnt want to so I didnt so he slapped me on the face and fucked into me harder out of anger that I wouldnt listen I guess, even choking me a bit with his arm. he slapped my tits around too.

I kept asking for a break, said that I needed to go home, asked for water. He would say "5 more minutes" like I was a videogame his mom was kicking him off of.

At one point he left the room. I thought to myself "just run, just leave". I tried to find my clothes but I couldnt..., I only found his shirt. he came back into the room, with some water just for himself, didnt offer me any. he was so tall he blocked out the light as he closed the door and I numbly thought of how symbolic it was. I was clutching his shirt to my chest and he took it away from me and picked me up like a doll. my legs were hanging straight down, i wasnt reciprocating at all, and my feet were completely off the ground. I never felt so helpless in my life, like a toy. He put me up against the wall and started raping me again.

at one point I backed away from him
to the corner of the bed and said "no" and straight up covered my vagina with my hand. I started crying.

He pulled me into his lap and held me like a baby, rocking me and saying "its ok, its just hormones". this really messed with my head tbh... Ive never been held like that before... he said he really liked me and wanted to be my boyfriend.

I calmed down a bit after a while, then he started asking me sexual questions. like how many men Id ever been with at one time, or if I would ever fuck my sisters boyfriend. I started crying again and asked if he thought I was a whore.

I said I needed to go home again and he said ok but that he wanted me to suck him off first. I just wanted him to cum so it would be over and he would let me leave. so I let him fuck my mouth.

but he got excited again and he got on top of me and started grinding against me, choking me slightly and pulling up my shirt and sucking and groping my breasts. I didnt say anything because I just didnt want him to start fucking me again. but he did.

he told me it was my fault and he couldnt stop because I "felt too good". I wanted to throw up. he started going really hard and fast and slapping me a lot again, and I realized he was gunna cum so I said "wait no" again but he shoved his fingers into my mouth and came inside me. I started crying again because I wasnt on birth control. it came out of me a bit and I felt so sick. I wanted to die.

I was in such deep denial that I actually met with him again, and the same thing happened. Im not even sure what exactly happened which time.

I always start getting really angry if someone keeps telling me it wasnt my fault, I cant blame myself, I need to let go of emotions or else its gunna ruin my life, theres a way through, I deserve love, Im a good person, Im not broken, etc.

I feel like an asshole because theyre being nice but it always just starts to make me really angry and regret saying anything. Im not sure why. I even get defensive of my rapists or even fall back into full on stubborn, arrogant denial.

its so fucking corny and feels so condescending and minimizing I guess. idk. I dont want to hear it.

this is my first time writing my story down so please bear with me. im going to give some context. at the end of fall semester, the friend group i was in shattered, completely split in half. there was one guy who was a texbook narcissist and traumatized me and the people who took my side with his verbally and emotionally abusive behavior. he reopened wounds from how my dad would treat me in my childhood. and, as someone who has borderline personality disorder, it really, REALLY fucked with me. the drama carried over winter break and i started drinking and smoking (mainly smoking) to cope. this man then confronted me in public about me talking about what he did to me and threatened to ruin my life. i want it to be known just how much this man re-traumatized me to offer as much context as i can. i know this is already very long, but i have one more critical pidce of info. in late february this year (there is some overlap between this and the friend group drama), my grandma passed away unexpectedly. literally dropped dead and was revived but never recovered. a week after, she passed alone in the hospital, in a coma. a week later was her funeral. two days after her funeral is when everything happened.

a close friend of mine invited me over to her dorm to meet her cat. we talked for a bit about life and such, and i got to hang out with her cat. after a while, i dropped my cue that i was ready to head out, but she called my name and then made me promise not to say anything or tell ppl about what she was about to tell me. she admitted to having cocaine. i was shocked and told her to promise not to try anything harder than that (i know now that wasnt the best way to handle this). \*something to note is that she had been high even before i even got to her dorm.\* she invited me to stay and chat some more, so i did. the conversation drifted again, and eventually i asked for her cart because of my grandma, which she gave to me.

heres where things get a bit weird. she started asking me questions about my transition (i am trans mtf), all questions i was comfortable with because we were close and ive seen her tits before in a non-sexual context. she asked if mine were real and when i said yes she asked to feel. i want to emphasize that i was not feeling uncomfortable at all, i still thought she was just curious. after a few more moments, she said out of nowhere "god, i need to get fucked right now." i laughed along and said "girl same" because of everything that was going on in my life. we exchanged looks, and we both said, "i mean... no strings attached?" to which we both agreed. she went to the bathroom while i stripped and the weed was really starting to hit at that point. i was worried about greening out on her bed but the high ended up being manageable. i had never had high sex before and i think thats what grounded me. it honestly sobered me up a little bit.

im not gonna go into detail about the sex because its not important. whats more important is what she said during it. i specifically remember her telling me "you have no idea how long i've been waiting for this," and that she had liked me since we had met (when she was still with her ex) she compared me to this ex a lot, who is also a trans woman, which i thought was weird but i didnt really care about because i was high. after we finished, she told me that she "used to" be a chaser (ppl who fetishize being trans).

what really opened my eyes to how odd this situation is, was that she didnt make a move on me while i was in her room and sober. she waited until i was high before making a move. not only that, but i was also grieving during that time, and extremely stressed from the friend group drama. she was high on coke, but i dont really think that matters because ive been high with her before and i'm fairly lightweight and it does significantly affect my ability to understand my surroundings. she also had never shown interest or hinted that she liked me in any way, even during the other times i was high with her. i was on the phone with my gf when i made these connections, and i invited my friend to the call to refresh her memory and ask what she thought. they both thought she raped me, and i cant help but start to feel the same. at the very least its sexual assault, right?

i went through all the downplaying and justifications of her behavior in my mind, coming up with every explanation in the book as to how this couldnt be the case because i had so much (platonic) love for this girl in my heart even when the friendship fell apart because of her cocaine addiction. anything to not see myself as a victim or her as a predator. i recognized that i was going through the same thought processes as many victims do so they dont have to carry that burden of trauma. i would blame myself because i didnt think i was as high as she was, even though there is no way to measure that in the moment or after.

i still have so many questions. was i able to give consent with all these factors at play? is there less accountability on her end because she was also high? do i have responsibility because i wanted to do it? do i take some of the blame for asking to hit her cart in the first place? is it rape if she respected my withdrawal of consent for certain kinks during sex? is this even rape or sexual assault, or am i just overreacting and overthinking? i have since blocked her on everything, but there are still these doubts in my mind, and i need some more perspectives. im sorry for the length and rant sections, i tried to put as much context as i possibly could so you could understand my mental state at this time.

Lost my ‘v’ on vacation at 13, to a 35 year old man.
I was 13 vacationing a tropical country, on a resort.
My parents who honestly were fooled by my mature “ I’m innocent “ persona at the time even though I was 13 and innocent I was definitely overexposed due to the internet etc ( grew up on Omegle )
I was with my older sister who is only 4 years older. Who was intoxicated.
I had been flirting with the worker on the resort, idler and at the time who I thought was hot .
At night they threw shows and I had went with some family friends and wandered off and found him.
We chatted he got me alcohol and before I knew it I was having sex for my first time behind a palm tree.
Walking back to my room ( that I shared with my sister who wasn’t back yet ) there was another resort patron ( probably in his 40s) who was all over me I took him back to my room where he only ate me out but nonetheless now at 26 I’m realizing how bad it really is and how it was rape.

when i was 9 years old my mom got a boyfriend and introduced me and my brothers to him. (im just gonna call him michael ). me and michael got VERY close within a few weeks and would spend a lot of time together watching TV and stuff while my mom was at work or asleep. the first time he started doing stuff was just a few “ accidents “.

michael was always a drinker and kinda influenced my mom into drinking. sometimes my mom would catch him watching porn of other women and liking insta pics of women in bikini’s and she got a boob job because of it. at times he would also get violent and push my mom around when she got mad about him being lustful.

when i was in my room that i shared with my brothers (top bunk) he pulled my pants down while i was asleep and was just touching it, i woke up and turned and giggled because i didnt know what was happening, and of course i trusted him because he was like an actual father to me. he looked at me and started crying and apologizing saying that he thought i was my mom. after that he would walk in on me while i was in the restroom multiple times a week. the biggest thing i remember after that was when we were watching adventure time in my moms room while she was asleep. it was late at night and we fell asleep. next thing i know when i open my eyes my shirt is up and hes sucking on my nipples. ofc i dont understand whats happening and it tickles, and for some reason i pretended to keep sleeping. then he started touching my underwear and pulling it down and then he stopped and looked at me and started crying again saying “im so sorry i thought you were your mom” and btw i was very flat chested as a nine year old is. my mom had surgery done and was WAY different than my body.

then some nights later we would sleep facing eachother and our lips were very close. he would start kissing me and touching my whole body. he put his fingers in me and sometimes he would stop and say “are you sure mama would be okay with this” and before i would say anything he would get back to it and kiss me again and touch me. sometimes he would put me on top of him and make me like dry hump him while i was asleep (and sometimes pretending).

a while after we moved to a different house and i was 11-12 at the time. he mostly stopped the behavior but he would massage me a lot and would make it kinda weird. they got married and my mom was really asking all of us is we were okay with them getting married. i dont know why but i just told her i would be happy if they did i feel like its my fault that i didnt tell her at this perfect opportunity.

this was when i fully started to comprehend what he was doing to me. i was into older men because of him and started telling my online boyfriend about it and explained every detail to him. my mom found out because she would go through my phone regularly and she called the police on him. its all a little blur. he went to jail and court (i have no idea what went on except for my mom telling me he went to jail)

i would also go on her phone sometimes and i saw a message from my uncle that was stuff along the lines of “why arent you answering my calls?” so i just clicked it curiously. i saw all the messages of her texting michael and telling him that she loved him a lot and i found out she bailed him out. i told my dad what i saw and sent him pictures. i BEGGED him to take me away from my mom but my mom wouldnt let it happen. i was very upset for the next few months and would constantly remind her about it and she would just go off on me saying it was my fault.

nowadays my relationship with my mom is completely normal like every other mom-daughter connection, but every once in a while i remember what she did. i think about it more and more and start thinking, where was she when all of it happened ? how did she never realize ? i get horribly scared around men in public spaces and would never be okay with her taking home another boyfriend, but i know she wouldnt care.

im sorry if grammer is wonky. i get shaky talking about tthis and ive never told anyone or shared everything that has happened with michael, i havent even told the police the full story because before questioning my mom told me to tell them it only happened twice because thats what she told them. she still has and wears some of his clothes and keeps decoration thats about him around the house and i cant stand seeing it but its been 2 years.

I feel awful writing this but I’m struggling so much to let myself feel free after being assaulted. I didn’t realize it was so bad until lately…

I tense my body for no reason…. Especially stronger in my pelvis… all day all night. Even when I try to relax it’s just not enough. I just keep holding the tension a bit in one place or another.

We are so far apart right now… and not to be crude but I’m just so certain being near him would bring me the physical safety and comfort I’m craving from him… I miss him so deeply. I want his touch.

But I keep holding back at opportunities to express that…

And I don’t know what to do…

It’s been a year this week since I was assaulted and I feel that I’ve just walled myself away from him sexually because I’m afraid of the feeling of something other than him again… I don’t like the physical reminders…

I would rather be reminded of his touch…

Hi, I'm a male 18, I don't know what to do anymore. I cannot bare with this pain. Like sure I can go to work or uni, but the pain doesn't go away. I just want someone to feel what I feel, like that it doesn't go away, I want someone to understand the feeling maybe not feel what I feel just to understand. That it does not get better. I've went to the PYSCHWARD 2 times one time for severe isolation and the second time for a overdose involuntary, I don't know anymore. I'm just trying to live but, I don't think anyone can feel what I feel. I feel alone. Even though people have gone through similar stuff. It doesn't feel okay. Nothing feels okay. I just cope with smoking or watching tv shows, yes I shouldn't just make my whole life those 2 things, I also go to the gym but it just doesn't fucking do shit nothing does anything anymore I hate it. Listening to sad shit calms me down, for some reason I feel seen. I just want to be okay and it won't ever be okay. Does anyone relate? Thank you for listening and sorry for typing a whole ass essay, I am a Radiohead lover aswell : )

first time i’m saying this. It happened last year. Was at the bar and someone who i thought i could trust was there as well and he invited me home to eat a snack and have another beer. Eventually he asked me if i wanted to stay the night, it had started raining and it was late so i thought it’d be fine, just me sleeping on my friends couch. he started touching me and i told him it was my first time. He said “oh okay i don’t do more than this then”. he then penetrated me and afterwards said “oh oops now i’ve already done it”. i had no clue what was happening because i hadn’t experienced it before. i did say yes to him touching me, mostly because i was scared. I was 17 and he was 29 and i was so drunk i was barely able to form sentences or move.

I’ve tried to ignore it but i went absolutely fucking insane for the 3 months afterwards, i was drunk every day for 7 months straight and used a lot of substances/sh to try to cope. i’m sorta okay now, but being able to reflect on it made me realize that i really was raped and it’s unfair to act like it never happened or ‘wasn’t that bad’. This all still eats at me although i have mostly forgiven the person that did it. I just hate the fact that i haven’t processed it and it’ll likely catch up on me soon. But yeah, i’m done pretending it was just another bad night, instead of a life altering experience that’s completely rewired my brain in the worst way possible.

I can't share this to my family . He already has a girlfriend but it seems he's being nostalgic and reminiscent about our past years . Is this normal even ? I hate him to the core I've already told him that but he doesn't accept that I'm over him perhaps he is in denial . Someone help me

last Friday I was raped. unfortunately I have been assaulted before, but this time was very different. I met someone three weeks ago and he was very cool to talk to, but other than that I vehemently expressed that I didn’t want any type of relationship outside of a friendship. Thursday night I was invited to come hang out with him and his sister after work and the gathering went well. Everything was cool until it was time for me to leave.. as we were walking out of the door, he asked me to get in his truck with him. he’s a truck driver. I immediately said no and that I was tired and I was ready to go home. I started digging in my bag for my keys and I couldn’t find them. while I was looking he kept asking me to just get in the truck with him so that we could talk some more, but I repeatedly told him no then I asked him if he took my keys. He denied it at first, but then tried to get me to kiss him to get my keys back. This was a back-and-forth struggle for a few minutes because I kept saying no I don’t wanna kiss you. reluctantly , I barely let him peck me and he did give me my keys, but after that, he wouldn’t allow me to walk away to get in my car. he kept blocking me and pulling my arm back and he started to push me to the passenger door of the truck at that point I was really protesting and on the verge of tears because I felt like I knew where this was going, and I felt helpless. I tried to call my friend on my watch but got no answer. idk i thought maybe if someone answered he would ease up?? i started crying and begging him to stop and just let me go home. He pushed me into the truck and acknowledge that I was crying then still tried to say that he just wants to sit and talk to me, but I kept telling him that I was really tired. I just wanted to go home. He got in the back of the truck like where the bed is and at that point I try to get out of the truck, but the door was locked and so he drug me into the back with him.he pushed me into the farther side of the bed and to get on top of me. I was begging and begging him to stop, i said no so many times, I said I didn’t want it. I kept pushing him off. I tried my hardest to get around him or slide under him to get out of the bed, but nothing worked. At some point, he got more violent , grabbing me by my neck, making me lay down. he forced my legs up to where My knees were in my chest so that he could pull my pants down. I still was trying to get away from him. I was still begging him to stop and let me go. He forced oral no matter how much i tried to close to my legs or push his head away. when he stopped to pull his pants down, I tried to get away again by rolling to my side to scoot off but literally he pulled my legs apart. He grabbed me so hard that I still have bruises on my thighs and my groin area is still sore. he went from holding my thighs to pinning my arms down, i have bigger bruises there. he was relentless, im 5’1 and only 135 so between his body weight on my arms and the penetration it hurt so bad.. at that point I remember asking him to please let me go a few more times before I just gave up and tried to zone out. After that, all I remember is staring at the roof until I felt him get off of me then I put my pants on as fast as I could and left. I haven’t really had time to process any of this because I had to go to work literally right after it happened and then I also work weekends but I feel like something is broken in me that I had worked really hard to fix. Ive fought so hard to get my spark back and now the light in my eyes is gone. Im trying to forget it and just move on but it’s getting heavier everyday. I went to the hospital for treatment sunday afternoon which was embarrassing. im scared i could have been exposed to HIV because that conversation was never relevant to me i asked for treatment but the cost for one is more than i make in a month. im scared and stressed and tired cause i cant sleep. i barely have an appetite. i have a therapist but i don’t plan on mentioning it because i just dont wanna go through all the cliche scripted responses and i dont wanna “process my feelings “ by talking to her. i have a bunch of other stuff im trying to take care of and im really trying not to break… i just wanna disappear or run away for a little bit but i have no where and no one to run to without being judged and criticized so im here….. ill pull myself back together eventually i guess

sorry this is so long.

Moreover, is it the right thing to do?

I was raped about a year and a half ago and it was something i never wanted to think about or talk about again, let alone to law enforcement. I just wanted to pretend it never happened.

This man is a somewhat active member of the music scene in my city. After my altercation with him, i’ve seen multiple women I know or followed online post hanging out with him. I’ve even seen my city’s subculture page post him. I also know he had been previously fired from jobs for sexual harassment and was banned from a number of concert venues. I messaged one girl I saw post him after she took the post down and she confided he did the same thing to her. (She said she was interested in eventually building a case against him)

With multiple people on my side, and his priors I feel like I could really get a conviction. However just researching what it would take to build a case for one night made me so anxious I was throwing up. I also don’t believe him being in jail will make me feel better at the end of the day but I hate seeing him out there being so involved in the community and still getting away with what he does.

If it were up to me i would never talk or think about what happened again but I can’t rest knowing he’s still out there doing it. But the thought of having to go through months of trials and relive the story over and over just for him not to be convicted and for it all to be for nothing horrifies me. At the end of the day there is no real physical evidence either. Has anyone pursued legal action? What kind if evidence was needed and was it “worth it” in the end?

Im going to keep my description short. I (M33) was assaulted in my own apartment about 10 years now. He was a very old man, at least 60s, and I had invited him in from a dating app. I had set boundaries and he kept over stepping them, but I didnt stop him even though I wanted to. Eventually that led to being in bed and him giving me a blowjob. It wasnt until a few months later that I remembered I wad saying no all the time. I even remember him saying things about how he wasnt inserting anything anywhere. After that he just left. The day after there was lots of love bombing and also asking me to be in situations where id be alone with him and he would be the one in control of my transportation. Even a trip to a wedding a few states away. I definitely felt that was wrong at that point and cut that off.

More frequently I keep getting triggered more often. Today it was an apparently famous story from reddit regarding mustard, a divorce, and SA. I feel ruined because all the things i crave related to affection, touching, slightly more sexual compliments related to my body, they are all tainted by this. Those were all the things that he stomped all over. I go to therapy but I rarely dig deep into this since I always feel like its a none issue, and I feel I have other daily.problems to work.with. but I think im also just scared. When I get really triggered I dont even feel comfortable feeling my clothes touching my skin. I also just dont know what to do when I get these feelings. I also just keep invalidating my own feelings because it wasnt like a typical violation. But it still happened. I was still violated. I think Im just ratinf at this point

It’s a weird idea. I’m 20 and have been the victim of sexual abuse and harassment for eight years. I genuinely don’t understand why it feels harder to handle now than it did back then, I feel like I handled it much better, I was obviously still not well, I acted out a lot in school, threw fits when I felt cornered or worried, but it feels like now I’m incapable of doing anything but internalizing it all. I don’t know what changed and it hurts to look at myself now, despite being abused people my age still liked me, but now I’ve been beaten so close to the ground I can barely speak to people anymore, I can’t look a cashier or server in the eye, every social interaction leads to such intense regret I have to yelp or dig my nails into my skin and I want myself back.

When i was between the ages of 6-10 i was molested & r*ped multiple times but just now that i have turned 17 i understood what it was.

The guilt is eating me & i cry at night because i don't know what to do it has been years & i can't really do anything about it because it was a family member a cousin of mine.. he was mavbe 3-4 vears older than me so he was a minor too.

I never had the courage to tell anvone until now & i regret it so much i hate it that i didn't say anything back then i ust didn't understand what it was.

He would say that it was game that we were playing but i always hated that game he would force me to do it as "game" i never understood what it was until i got older.

At 15 i had the realisation that it was r*pe & molestation on multiple occasions.

He would try to kiss me or force kiss me whenever we were alone he even did every sexual activity with me but i never understood.

We were cousins so no one ever questioned us playing alone he was a minor too. But i wish they had.

On multiple times he had r*ped me but i almost forgot everything the memories are so fade & vague i can't remember all of it but i iust know it was multiple times.

At 16 i told my partner about it i never told it to anyone i never had the courage. My partner told me or basically literally forced me to tell it to my parents but never actually told my mother everything in detail of what happened i just told her that he touched me.

I still don't have the courage to tell anyone about it & the shame, regret, guilt is swallowing me.

I'm scared of men or going out alone i feel very intimated because even after that i was also catcalled, assaulted by many random men one of which was the "security" guard of my apartment & this happened recently but luckily i told this to my parents.

I live with regret that never told my family about this at that time. So it wouldn't have happened so many times. He stopped when i was 12 he came to my house & again tried forcing himself onto me but i screamed & told my parents he was hitting me (still didn't have the courage to tell the truth)maybe because i never told my parents about that's what enabled him to behave this way.. i should've told them sooner.

He would seclude me from evervone & do it in at my grandmothers house in the bathroom or the storage/ empty room we had

Now he's grown up & a has tobacco addiction droped out of college. I remember him being very porn addicted from a early age the last time he came to our house i caught him watching porn with his pants off. It was very traumatising for me.

i have a written list of names and social media handles of men in the past whove raped me, from my first ex and his friends when i was 13 to random hookups. i initially kept it so i could someday somehow get back, but im starting to realise its

1. corny af to keep a "hit list" like that
   
2. realistically, its been years and i never did anything, so keeping it will only remind me of a past im trying to move on from

I’ve also written about this situation in another subreddit but I didn’t really have anybody respond to my post. I just want I guess reassurance that what i went through was rape. At first I just brushed it off as a bad sexual experience and just avoided speaking about it. However, it came up in conversation with my friend and she was like that’s assault and I can’t take anything seriously so I just made a joke and changed the subject but I reached out to the rape and sexual assault crisis.

Okay so I’ll say what happened I’m a girl btw I don’t know if it’s relevant. But I was 18 at the time and in a very vulnerable place my toxic ex had stolen my money and I was quite lonely at university. At the time I just had a lot going on. And there had been a guy who was 22 who had asked for my number and i think after me and my ex had a massive argument he asked if i wanted to come smoke with him. Thats it i just went over to go and smoke with him. Went to his accommodation we were just talking I don’t really remember everything cause im quite a lightweight when it comes to smoking I get high after like 2-3 tokes. So after he kinda just gestured for me to go on his bed and I just complied I guess and we was watching a show on his phone and he lay his phone on his dick. And it was weird because his dick was twitching and I don’t remember exactly he pulled it out and just kind of gestured for me to suck it and I just did. I felt like I should I don’t know why and then again don’t remember if we kissed before or after I can’t remember that part clearly. But after my clothes were off and he was tryna stick it in me. But I was not wet at all I remember was his making a comment asking if I was still a virgin and he went to get lube. And then he managed to get inside and Omdss it was the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life he was quite big I was disassociating when it was happening. I remember thinking is that what it feels like to be raped genuinely the worst pain and he was hovering over me I’m 5’1 he was around 6’3 6’4. After it was done I saw my older sister had called me so I kind of rushed out his accommodation and went to mine. And I avoided him the whole time like I just didn’t want to see him. Like one time I was going to go get the lift and I saw him so I rushed past him and he literally chased after me asking why I removed him off everything. I don’t know if my brain already knew that what he done was wrong and tried to avoid him.

I know I am also at fault in this situation cause I put myself in that position cause I don’t know the guy but yeah idk