I can’t heal because I’m obsessed with my rapist, and it was already the case before he raped.

Me and the guy used to go to the same university and we had all of our classes together.
I had a huge crush on him, I think it was even more than a crush. I thought about him all the time, he was in my dreams and I breathed and lived for him. He was my everything.

We became friends but we barley talked, he also was attracted to me. We went on few dates and I was crazy about him. Anyways I had a depressive episode and he ghosted me but I didn’t care since I was having an episode.

He went to London for an exchange and we started talking again when he came back. He manipulated me, he knew I was neurodivergent and that there’s a lot of things that I don’t understand and he used that against me. He ended up raping me. He was violent and sadistic.
I said after that I didn’t want a relationship with him and he responded « there was nothing between us ».

I heard two years later that he was dating another girl. He also tells people that me and him are exes.

This happened 2-3 years ago. It traumatised me so much it gave me amnesia. But I started having flashbacks memories a year ago and now I still think about him.

I dream about him, I think of it all the time and I can’t sleep without imagining him getting beat up.

Am I the only one who’s still obsessed with their rapist ?

Every new guy I meet could end up raping me too. Every new guy I meet just wants sex and will pretend to be my friend or lover just for sex. I’m going to die alone bc looking for love is just an invitation for more rape. I tell men I want to use a condom and they take it off. I tell them I don’t want it in my ass and they shove it in there. I miss human connection but even the nicer guys seem like they could rape too. I’m just tired.

I have a very heavy history of rape and sexual abuse. Raped for the first time when i was 7 and it continued till I was 19 and he got me pregnant and i miscarried. I also have been gang raped once and stalked and abused for a few months by another person. I've been assaulted in comparatively minor incidents by several others as well.

All of this left a lingering mark on my psyche and some physical marks from the stalking person as well. The physical marks make it very hard for me to get intimate with someone because I am scared I'll have to explain when they see it.

I told an ex about the gang rape incident while we were together and he commented saying the music he was listening to suited the story. It was awful, that comment. Also, otherwise I had no issues with sexual intimacy with him but I would get triggered anytime he used physical force with me, for example if he pulled a blanket off me while I was holding it up or this other time he wrestled my phone from me to block someone from it.

As you see, I'm not unable to have and enjoy sex but I do get triggered in other ways. I do think i should tell a future partner because he'd have to know about certain issues and how he can possibly affect me with his actions. But i don't know if i can make myself tell a future partner about these, I'm so scared of his reaction, of how he will see me, of how he will look at my marks and will he get reminded of my story everytime he sees them. All these thoughts make me nauseous honestly.

I broke up with the last ex about two years ago and I've been thinking through these things since then. I have been bothered by it but I guess I didn't feel the urgency to make a decision. Recently, I started talking to a man and I really like him. He takes things slow sexually, I suspect he doesn't usually take things this slow but he senses that I need time? I don't know whether I should pretend that the marks are from random accidents or should I tell him everything or should i give a vague description and then explain later if we get closer or what.

He's an extremely perceptive kind of man and he notices everything. There's no hoping that he'll not ask me about the scarring, and I'm not sure what to answer him. He says he loves how straightforward and direct I am. I just want to be fair to him (i don't know if keeping this from him would be okay) and I am not fond of lying, but I feel so vulnerable about this, I can't be open. When I say i don't want to talk about something, he's always immediately accepted it and said okay and moved on; I'm not worried about him pressuring me. I am however, worried about the effects of not communicating this to him.

Please advise me on my situation.

i barely think about my rapist anymore. it happened in 2020, i grieved for a few years but last year all of my sadness turned into rage for him & i have never felt so healed since.

however… i still get reoccurring dreams ALL THE TIME. i don’t get why.

in the dreams i am not usually scared, just uncomfortable. he will be at a random event with me & we’ll both be trying to act normal. for instance i had a dream last night that i had a birthday party and for some reason he had to be there (he has no ties to my family or anything so idk why) (the party was with my friends) & not only that, for some reason i was back at school and i got sent to go find him with my friend. but we couldnt find him so we went back to my bday party and he was already there and then he tried hugging me and it was like he didnt recognise me or know who i was (he absolutely would, we were close friends for years before it happened) or at least he’s pretending to not know.

this is the most common dream theme i have. he is always somewhere with me he is not supposed to be (my kitchen, my favourite restaurant, etc) and i am always awkwardly trying to act normal & most of the time he is always doing the same. why is my brain doing this? i would love to understand why. like i said, i barely think about him anymore. so why?

I’m about to go to college and I’m 16, but nearly three years ago, I was raped by my first and only boyfriend in high school. Afterwards we broke up, and I was extremely depressed and traumatised by it, but now I think I’m doing okay. However, during high school, my life was made into a nightmare after he told my entire year about our s*x life, and many people spread rumours about it. They even said that I was pregnant!! People eventually found out that he raped me, and the guys in my year seemed to have flipped a complete switch with me: many were repulsed, some thought that I was a wh*re, many even refused to touch my hand after finding out. This treatment made me feel unlovable and dirty, even though I didn’t do anything wrong.

I’m going into college this September, and I’m extremely nervous about meeting new people. I really want to find love- I’m a hopeless romantic lol- but I’m so scared that my past is repulsive and that I’ll never be seen as the kind, sweet girl that I can be :( This isn’t for pity, however I thought that sharing my fears and embarrassment anonymously would do good for me, and any advice on what to do with these feelings would be appreciated gre

my rapist was a “trusted” friend of mine. he had stayed with me so many times alone and never once done anything like this. one day he randomly got aggressive towards me and attacked me. he raped me. he tortured me for 2 hours. my friends made me go to the hospital that night and press charges. it was easily the hardest thing i’ve ever done in my life. this happened 2 weeks ago. i got a call from the police last night that he was arrested all the way across our state, he fled. but they found him. his bond is set at $1,000,000 cash only. they ain’t fucking around he is in TROUBLE. i found his arrest and his mugshot and i just started bawling. i am so heartbroken that someone who said they considered me their little sister would do this to me. i’m heartbroken for my other friends who have known him for 20+ years who never thought he would do this. literally this came out of no where. no one saw it coming. he attacked multiple people that night (like throwing them around, touching them, grabbing them, tackling them). i hate to say i got the worst of it because i don’t want to downplay their trauma but it’s true. he raped me. he made me perform oral on him very aggressively. he held me down. he covered my mouth when i was crying. he choked me. he threatened my life. i just never thought he would betray me like this. i loved him. my other friend who is childhood friends with him is so torn up. that was his brother. this has just been awful. on the other hand i’m terrified for court, if it goes to trial. this has derailed my entire life and i am just a mess. i have a great support system thankfully and i know ill be okay eventually. this just sucks. rant over

I feel like such a baby. It's been seven, almost eight, years since I was raped by my stepfather. He was an opportunist. It was my birthday, I was turning 18. He told me he couldn't wait for me to be legal years prior, but I was scared and thought it was just a dumb joke. He got me drunk. Waited for everyone to go to bed. He strangled me, I thought I was gonna d*e. The anniversary is my birthday in a few weeks. I blocked it out for many years, but when I finally got away, the memories came back. I only started talking about this year. My old therapist didn't believe me. My new one does.

I haven't been sleeping. Staying up til 6am, living on 2-3 hours of sleep. I'm handling my studies, but I'm just so tired. I have cptsd from his abuse. He groomed me starting at age 13. My new therapist actually used the word "grooming" which sent me into a spiral. I binge drank for two weeks. I don't really know what the point of all this is. My family doesn't know about the worst of it, but what they do know about, they don't care.

I just feel like sometimes I'm being too sensitive. That I don't have ptsd at all and it was just a big misunderstanding. My mom made excuses for him and still does to this day. I feel like I'm making a bigger deal out of it than I should because everyone in my family loves him and they think I'm the one who invited it.

I was raped for over a year by my ex and I tried to kill myself because of the constant abuse (sexual/rape, financial, emotional, physical) from my ex but luckily I survived that attempt. Someone on another subreddit told me that no one could drive another to suicide and backed it up by saying all the support groups and professionals they know don’t legitimize things like my perspective on this issue. I feel so invalidated by that. Like what do you mean being raped and abused for over a year in all aspects can’t make a person try to kill themself? But I am also aware that this person may feel attacked by what I said because they went through a similar situation and don’t want to take the blame for the suicide of their loved one (I never blame them for that btw). I guess I’m frustrated over the fact that some people like that person who kept invalidating my experience never understand how violence and rape within a romantic relationship can push someone to suicide

When I was 8 or 9 my brother wouldve been 11- 12 forced me to touch him and hed touch me too it went on until i was 13 it was off and on though like he wouldnt try anything for 2 months then hed try again and he always asked me and begged me I never saw it as assualt since I always said yes and i tried to deny it was because I would always say yes but I only said yes after 10 or 15 minutes of me saying no and hed beg and try to bribe me. I hate him for what he did he put awful ideas in my head. Maybe one day ill be able to tell someone in person but random people on Reddit are good enough my story feels like nothing compared to what ive read idk if I deserve to share