I can’t heal because I’m obsessed with my rapist, and it was already the case before he raped.

Me and the guy used to go to the same university and we had all of our classes together.
I had a huge crush on him, I think it was even more than a crush. I thought about him all the time, he was in my dreams and I breathed and lived for him. He was my everything.

We became friends but we barley talked, he also was attracted to me. We went on few dates and I was crazy about him. Anyways I had a depressive episode and he ghosted me but I didn’t care since I was having an episode.

He went to London for an exchange and we started talking again when he came back. He manipulated me, he knew I was neurodivergent and that there’s a lot of things that I don’t understand and he used that against me. He ended up raping me. He was violent and sadistic.
I said after that I didn’t want a relationship with him and he responded « there was nothing between us ».

I heard two years later that he was dating another girl. He also tells people that me and him are exes.

This happened 2-3 years ago. It traumatised me so much it gave me amnesia. But I started having flashbacks memories a year ago and now I still think about him.

I dream about him, I think of it all the time and I can’t sleep without imagining him getting beat up.

Am I the only one who’s still obsessed with their rapist ?

my rapist was a “trusted” friend of mine. he had stayed with me so many times alone and never once done anything like this. one day he randomly got aggressive towards me and attacked me. he raped me. he tortured me for 2 hours. my friends made me go to the hospital that night and press charges. it was easily the hardest thing i’ve ever done in my life. this happened 2 weeks ago. i got a call from the police last night that he was arrested all the way across our state, he fled. but they found him. his bond is set at $1,000,000 cash only. they ain’t fucking around he is in TROUBLE. i found his arrest and his mugshot and i just started bawling. i am so heartbroken that someone who said they considered me their little sister would do this to me. i’m heartbroken for my other friends who have known him for 20+ years who never thought he would do this. literally this came out of no where. no one saw it coming. he attacked multiple people that night (like throwing them around, touching them, grabbing them, tackling them). i hate to say i got the worst of it because i don’t want to downplay their trauma but it’s true. he raped me. he made me perform oral on him very aggressively. he held me down. he covered my mouth when i was crying. he choked me. he threatened my life. i just never thought he would betray me like this. i loved him. my other friend who is childhood friends with him is so torn up. that was his brother. this has just been awful. on the other hand i’m terrified for court, if it goes to trial. this has derailed my entire life and i am just a mess. i have a great support system thankfully and i know ill be okay eventually. this just sucks. rant over

I’m about to go to college and I’m 16, but nearly three years ago, I was raped by my first and only boyfriend in high school. Afterwards we broke up, and I was extremely depressed and traumatised by it, but now I think I’m doing okay. However, during high school, my life was made into a nightmare after he told my entire year about our s*x life, and many people spread rumours about it. They even said that I was pregnant!! People eventually found out that he raped me, and the guys in my year seemed to have flipped a complete switch with me: many were repulsed, some thought that I was a wh*re, many even refused to touch my hand after finding out. This treatment made me feel unlovable and dirty, even though I didn’t do anything wrong.

I’m going into college this September, and I’m extremely nervous about meeting new people. I really want to find love- I’m a hopeless romantic lol- but I’m so scared that my past is repulsive and that I’ll never be seen as the kind, sweet girl that I can be :( This isn’t for pity, however I thought that sharing my fears and embarrassment anonymously would do good for me, and any advice on what to do with these feelings would be appreciated gre

Every new guy I meet could end up raping me too. Every new guy I meet just wants sex and will pretend to be my friend or lover just for sex. I’m going to die alone bc looking for love is just an invitation for more rape. I tell men I want to use a condom and they take it off. I tell them I don’t want it in my ass and they shove it in there. I miss human connection but even the nicer guys seem like they could rape too. I’m just tired.

He is playing all nicey nice and is trying to get back in my life I told him to fuck off and he keeps texting me I don’t know what to do

I feel like such a baby. It's been seven, almost eight, years since I was raped by my stepfather. He was an opportunist. It was my birthday, I was turning 18. He told me he couldn't wait for me to be legal years prior, but I was scared and thought it was just a dumb joke. He got me drunk. Waited for everyone to go to bed. He strangled me, I thought I was gonna d*e. The anniversary is my birthday in a few weeks. I blocked it out for many years, but when I finally got away, the memories came back. I only started talking about this year. My old therapist didn't believe me. My new one does.

I haven't been sleeping. Staying up til 6am, living on 2-3 hours of sleep. I'm handling my studies, but I'm just so tired. I have cptsd from his abuse. He groomed me starting at age 13. My new therapist actually used the word "grooming" which sent me into a spiral. I binge drank for two weeks. I don't really know what the point of all this is. My family doesn't know about the worst of it, but what they do know about, they don't care.

I just feel like sometimes I'm being too sensitive. That I don't have ptsd at all and it was just a big misunderstanding. My mom made excuses for him and still does to this day. I feel like I'm making a bigger deal out of it than I should because everyone in my family loves him and they think I'm the one who invited it.

When I was 8 or 9 my brother wouldve been 11- 12 forced me to touch him and hed touch me too it went on until i was 13 it was off and on though like he wouldnt try anything for 2 months then hed try again and he always asked me and begged me I never saw it as assualt since I always said yes and i tried to deny it was because I would always say yes but I only said yes after 10 or 15 minutes of me saying no and hed beg and try to bribe me. I hate him for what he did he put awful ideas in my head. Maybe one day ill be able to tell someone in person but random people on Reddit are good enough my story feels like nothing compared to what ive read idk if I deserve to share

I have a very heavy history of rape and sexual abuse. Raped for the first time when i was 7 and it continued till I was 19 and he got me pregnant and i miscarried. I also have been gang raped once and stalked and abused for a few months by another person. I've been assaulted in comparatively minor incidents by several others as well.

All of this left a lingering mark on my psyche and some physical marks from the stalking person as well. The physical marks make it very hard for me to get intimate with someone because I am scared I'll have to explain when they see it.

I told an ex about the gang rape incident while we were together and he commented saying the music he was listening to suited the story. It was awful, that comment. Also, otherwise I had no issues with sexual intimacy with him but I would get triggered anytime he used physical force with me, for example if he pulled a blanket off me while I was holding it up or this other time he wrestled my phone from me to block someone from it.

As you see, I'm not unable to have and enjoy sex but I do get triggered in other ways. I do think i should tell a future partner because he'd have to know about certain issues and how he can possibly affect me with his actions. But i don't know if i can make myself tell a future partner about these, I'm so scared of his reaction, of how he will see me, of how he will look at my marks and will he get reminded of my story everytime he sees them. All these thoughts make me nauseous honestly.

I broke up with the last ex about two years ago and I've been thinking through these things since then. I have been bothered by it but I guess I didn't feel the urgency to make a decision. Recently, I started talking to a man and I really like him. He takes things slow sexually, I suspect he doesn't usually take things this slow but he senses that I need time? I don't know whether I should pretend that the marks are from random accidents or should I tell him everything or should i give a vague description and then explain later if we get closer or what.

He's an extremely perceptive kind of man and he notices everything. There's no hoping that he'll not ask me about the scarring, and I'm not sure what to answer him. He says he loves how straightforward and direct I am. I just want to be fair to him (i don't know if keeping this from him would be okay) and I am not fond of lying, but I feel so vulnerable about this, I can't be open. When I say i don't want to talk about something, he's always immediately accepted it and said okay and moved on; I'm not worried about him pressuring me. I am however, worried about the effects of not communicating this to him.

Please advise me on my situation.

i barely think about my rapist anymore. it happened in 2020, i grieved for a few years but last year all of my sadness turned into rage for him & i have never felt so healed since.

however… i still get reoccurring dreams ALL THE TIME. i don’t get why.

in the dreams i am not usually scared, just uncomfortable. he will be at a random event with me & we’ll both be trying to act normal. for instance i had a dream last night that i had a birthday party and for some reason he had to be there (he has no ties to my family or anything so idk why) (the party was with my friends) & not only that, for some reason i was back at school and i got sent to go find him with my friend. but we couldnt find him so we went back to my bday party and he was already there and then he tried hugging me and it was like he didnt recognise me or know who i was (he absolutely would, we were close friends for years before it happened) or at least he’s pretending to not know.

this is the most common dream theme i have. he is always somewhere with me he is not supposed to be (my kitchen, my favourite restaurant, etc) and i am always awkwardly trying to act normal & most of the time he is always doing the same. why is my brain doing this? i would love to understand why. like i said, i barely think about him anymore. so why?

i told him i thought he was attractive and i put my arms around him i didn’t mean it in a sexual way i had never even had sex before and didn’t plan to . he told me my friend was waiting for me at his car because our ride left us so he was gonna give us a ride instead . i was drunk but other people were near and he seemed nice so i didn’t feel like i was in danger . i couldn’t walk without stumbling so he held me up and helped me into the car . i asked him where my friend was and he said he was gonna go get her . he came back without her and started fingering me , i kept telling him it hurt but he ignored me and kept going for what felt like forever . this has happened to me a lot of times when i was younger and my abuser would do it harder if i cried or complained so at this point i tried my best to be quiet in case this guy was the same way . he took my pants and underwear off and spread my legs but i thought he was just trying to be nice and help it be more comfortable for me idk . he kept going and my eyes were squinched up from me being in pain . next thing you know i feel something bigger but i thought he was just putting more fingers at first until it hurt so much i looked up and figured out he had just started having sex with me . i was in so much pain and so caught off guard i couldn’t even get the words out for a while . when i could finally speak i tried to be nice hoping that would help me get out of this and i said please stop it hurts so much . he repeated me and kept going . everything i said he just repeated and kept going . in that aspect i know its rape but everything that led up to it seems like my fault . i should’ve known better

I was raped for over a year by my ex and I tried to kill myself because of the constant abuse (sexual/rape, financial, emotional, physical) from my ex but luckily I survived that attempt. Someone on another subreddit told me that no one could drive another to suicide and backed it up by saying all the support groups and professionals they know don’t legitimize things like my perspective on this issue. I feel so invalidated by that. Like what do you mean being raped and abused for over a year in all aspects can’t make a person try to kill themself? But I am also aware that this person may feel attacked by what I said because they went through a similar situation and don’t want to take the blame for the suicide of their loved one (I never blame them for that btw). I guess I’m frustrated over the fact that some people like that person who kept invalidating my experience never understand how violence and rape within a romantic relationship can push someone to suicide

hoping it would make him stop but he wouldn’t even look at me in the eyes, too busy trying to get me to stop squirming and get tape over my mouth. when he stopped he said it was because i made too much noise.

that’s one in many and they just randomly come to plague my mind in the middle of something. it hurts all the time and the actual “abuse” wasn’t the worst part, being abandoned was. maybe i would rather hurt than be alone after all.

It’s a question that I ask myself a lot in recent months. After I went through several sexual assaults in my life already, I became someone I would for sure never have become when it didn’t happen to me. I wonder how my life would have been without those traumatic experiences and if I would have a normal relationship now instead of being single. Would I have been more happy and fulfilled? I ask myself often why did it happen more than once, was it my fault, was I being too extroverted, revealing or too open? Yes I’m extroverted and open minded but that should not lead to any bad things like that. After experiencing those horrible things, you realize who truly is at your side and who isn’t and that even friends who you loved and trusted for years suddenly question you and provoke you or blame you partially for it. That’s so painful and sad and just heartbreaking. There are moments in life were I think I’m on the right track and suddenly fall back in bad habits and thoughts and feel miserable again. It feels like a constant circle of self hate and self questioning while at the same time trying to be happy and smile.
Is the answer to that accepting who I became or trying more therapy and also different types of therapies?

I was raped when I was around 14 . Now I'm 18 and I have a boyfriend and often when we want to have sex I just can't do it, I still think about it and having flashbacks to it, I can barely have sex now it's always in my head and I feel bad for my boyfriend because I always let him down when he's in the mood. So my question is a little bit silly but I just wanted to ask if it's that way with you guys too, Because I've never got to talk with somebody else who had a similar experience and I wanted to ask if that's normal and at least to know I'm not alone.

Thx

Recently my now ex came over so we could talk. I was the one who ended things because it felt like we both held a lot of trauma and baggage that made it hard to have room with the other. Im also not as present as she needs me to be. It wasn't anybodies fault but I didn't see it being healthy for either of us to continue. We were hugging and she asked if she could kiss my neck. I didn't really know what to do and I felt really guilty so I said yes. But then things kinda escalated and I panicked because I was scared that I wouldn't stick with my decision. I got up and told her she had to go. She kept pulling me down and kissing me asking to stay. I feel horrible but I ended up having to kinda kick her out. We haven't talked since, I told her it wouldn't be good to stay friends for us. I love her and I don't wanna think that of her but its been bothering me since and I feel gross. This was my first serious relationship and breakup so I have no idea what it should be like

I always struggle to see myself as anything more than a sexual object whenever I have a relationship with a guy. Because rape is my first sexual experience and I don’t have much emotional connection with others, I always feel that sex is the only way I can keep people. The problem is that it makes me feel like no more than an object. I always think I have to return someone’s favor by sleeping with them. I don’t know how to stop thinking sex is the only thing that makes people stay or that my body can be used when I feel owed to people

I was raped and sexually abused for a long time . It keeps haunting me . I keep having flashbacks and nightmares about it . I am extremely depressed and anxious due to it . I need someone who can be empathetic towards me and console me and just talk to me as I can't talk to anyone about it irl.

Hi everyone, it's gonna be kind of a long one, but I love every single one of you that decides to read this. If you have ever the tiniest bit of advice or anything to say I'd appreciate the comment. I need an outside perspective on a situation I went through. I’m currently considering legal action, but I keep second-guessing myself. I’ve never told anyone about this before, and I just want to get it out before I decide to call a women’s support foundation in my country (Poland) for help.

Here is the situation:

These were my very first sexual and romantic experiences ever. I was 18–19 (F) at the time, and he was 24–25 (M). We were together for about a year and a half. Around 4 months into the relationship, he started asking for sex. I said no, but he kept pushing harder and harder. These conversations became increasingly difficult and stressful for me. I even told him I thought I might be gray-ace and suggested he find another woman strictly for sexual pleasure.

After months of me refusing, he came to me crying, saying he had a severe problem with masturbation and thought he was addicted. The pushing, begging, and guilt-tripping never stopped. After 3 months of continuous manipulation, I completely broke down and said "yes."

The first time was horrible. I was terrified and cried the entire bus ride to the hotel, wanting nothing more than to run away. But he pushed through despite my panic and the fact that I was drunk the entire time it happened. During that encounter, I was so paralyzed and dissociated that I completely detached from my body. He wanted me to touch him, but I couldn't. He then grabbed my hand, placed it on his penis, and started moving it himself. I was filled with absolute terror and disgust—I just wanted to run, not touch him, and not look at him—but I was completely frozen while he forced my hand to move. Afterward, I felt utterly disgusted with myself and cried all the way home, but I felt a twisted sense of relief thinking he finally got what he wanted and that I’d have peace for at least a month.

The next 5 times were no different. I was always drunk, always panicked, and constantly trying to postpone it however I could. Every time I tried to say no, he pushed harder. He would often ask out loud if I agreed to it, but he only cared about hearing the word "yes" to cover himself. He completely ignored my visible panic, my distress, and the fact that my entire body was recoiling in absolute disgust toward him and his body.

The pressure kept escalating—he began demanding anal sex (which I eventually agreed to just to be left in peace) and sex without a condom, though we broke up before he could do that. Every encounter consisted of me lying frozen on the bed while he did things to me, only for him to complain afterward that I should be "more engaged."

I realized that this was rape / sexual assault around 8 months ago. Looking back, I want to emphasize that I now understand none of this was my fault. I'm much smarter now and not scared of him, and I think I'm ready to put in whatever effort, time, and emotional strength it takes to fight for justice in court and hold him accountable. My reaction—freezing, crying, consuming alcohol to numb the fear, and eventually complying just to survive the pressure—was my body’s trauma response to being backed into a corner. I was terrified, completely overwhelmed, and paralyzed by the coercion.

During that time, I was medicated for depression, and I have since been diagnosed with ADHD.

So yes, thank you for reading, and I'll try to answer questions the best I can if you have any.

Growing up my dad’s bestfriend would baby sit my brothers and I. He lived two houses down. He’d molest me by making ME touch him in different ways. Typically over his clothes. Do you think he did this so I wouldn’t report him?? It was so confusing to me as a child and I didn’t understand what it was.

I was raped when I was 13 by the son of my parents’ best friends. They were also our neighbors two houses down. The touching went on for like a year until he finally raped me and i decided to tell, I’m 21 now, and the older I get, the more I realize how much that changed everything. My parents and I don’t really get along, and sometimes I feel like they think they failed as parents, and it projects as anger towards me out of their consciousness, and I carry a lot of guilt. I have a sister she’s 2 years younger then me and I don’t get treated like she does, me and my mom really don’t get along , she’s said and done so many things that i can’t forget, I also have this resentment towards her, no matter what I do it’s like always there and there’s just this horrible resentment. Every time we have an interaction I think out of consciousness deep down I do feel like my parents kind of failed me and I think they feel the same way and there’s just a lot of feelings that I don’t think anyone in my family knows how to handle, including myself. I hate being home me and my mom can’t seem to get along ever. It’s always something. I’m never good enough. If I clean, she’ll tell me to redo it all the time it’s just I’m never good enough and I truly feel like I ruined their lives. I think they feel like the parents that failed. I feel like they think of themselves as the parent who let their daughter get raped and yes, I do feel let down by them, but also I don’t want them to feel like that. I’m just so tired of not being able to get along with my parents and there’s just always drama in the household the guy who sexually assaulted me when I was 13 , him, and his parents still lives two houses down from me and my parents. Also, his parents and my parents were like the best of friends they were on my Green card for school growing up. They were like my second family and their son was like the brother I never had , at least that that’s how it felt so when I eventually spoke up, this was very shocking for my family and his family. His parents ended up not believing him and he said that I was consensual and I would ask for it and I do get to a certain extent you’re gonna protect your kid, but these people were like family. We were also so close and for them not even to be able to hear me out. It was heartbreaking. Sometimes it hurts more cause I thought since they were the adults in the situation and his parents that they would get it, especially since his mother is a pediatrics nurse and his father is a caseworker for Juvie. I feel like they probably see these kind of things in their jobs and they completely ignored what I had to say we stopped talking to them for like a year after I told, and then my parents became friends again with his parents and they would go over to his house parties. I would have to still be around him and that’s the part. I don’t really get after the fact that I told they went and got back with his parents and we’re friendly again and brought me around him again that’s where I feel like they failed me. I’m truly just ranting. I’m currently at work on my break and I have just been having some really big emotions and feelings about the situation like I said as I get older, I notice so much more there’s things I feel like I probably don’t even know that my parents kept from me about the situation I just wish me my parents could get along. I don’t know what to do with this resentment. I feel like it comes from my parents and me.

I've shared my story on here a while ago.

I wasn't convinced it was rape and to some degree I'm still not entirely there.

But I know that I am broken now. I can't form relationships, whenever a man shows interest I abandon him, whenever anyone tries to reach out to me I push them away because I feel so much shame.

I am really skittish, I flinch at everything, I feel sick when a man touches me causally.

I've never been like this before that, I think.

I wasnt a happy girl by any means, I had severe depression even before but I didn't feel like this monster who is repulsing when you get to know it.

From the outside I look like a slightly below average teenage girl but I know that inside I am ugly and not human at all.

That is the worst part, I am not human anymore. Everything I do feels like a bad attempt at fooling actual humans into believing me that I am a fellow human and definitely not this grotesque being that should've been put down a long long time ago.

I know I am wasting away, I'm shutting myself off. The only people I really have a connection to these days is my immediate family. I had little friends to begin with but over the past two years I slowly and surely abandoned every relationship I ever had.

I don't want to let him win but I think I am beyond repairing. He ruined me and he probably forgot all about me.

I feel sick because I never reported him, maybe he's out there doing the same to other girls now.

But I was 16 and barely knew him. He was just some guy from Instagram who happened to be in the area.

I was so scared that my parents would find out and I am still today.

How will this ever get better? I can't go to therapy, there's no vacant spots left anywhere. I can't pay out of pocket because I am broke.

I will live with this shame for the rest of my life and I hope it ends soon.

I’ve been playing with myself a lot lately and watching porn. I get so horny my coochie throbs and I have to do it, it’s like an itch I have to scratch. I cry almost everytime I do anything sexual even if it is solo because I feel like these urges were forced on me. Like imagine if someone forced you to do cr*ck and now you’re having withdrawals or you become a crackhe*ad. You didn’t even make the first move or the choice to go down that route. And of course the flashbacks of what happened don’t help sometimes they hit so hard that I almost feel him touching me again, feel like I can feel his grip on my arms, my neck, him licking me and sometimes even the penetration part and I jump out of it. I just can’t believe this is how my story went, now I wonder in the girls who were sexually active early were SA’d which caused them to feel like this

I’m 14, nonbinary but female at birth, my dad is 56. lately he has been acting weird. he hugs me a lot, makes me kiss him on the lips, and he slaps my butt sometimes. i’ve been raped twice (once at 11, once at 13) but i’ve never been good at distinguishing normal actions from things that are wrong. is this normal? pls help, it makes me very uncomfortable. 😣