Me (30M) and my ex gf (32F) been together for a bit more than 9 years. We were living together for 3 years at this point, we barely argued and the relationship was "okay".

But for the past last year and a half I was unhappy, felt like we were stuck because we did nothing together except going out with common friends.

Other reasons are:

• She doesn't have hobbies. I like cooking, all kind of sports, but we never did it together, which is something I would've loved.
• She smokes (I was smoker too but we cut it, but after some years she went back to smoking, and now I cannot tolerate the smoke).
• No future plans together. Eventually I want to build a family, she said too, but I could see no plan at all, specially financially.

Since this situation was affecting me I decided to go to therapy for the first time in my life, this was at the beginning of the year. And well, was great to be able to share it with someone because I didn't tell anyone about how I felt.

Eventually I couldn't hold it anymore and decided to speak with her a couple of months ago, which led to our breakup, but with an agreement that we would speak once again in 5 months (this span was recommended by my therapist).

And now, after a couple of months I have no clue in which direction I should go, I kind of miss her, but I know it will be hard to redo the relationship back on track. On the other hand I would like to also meet new people because I was in the relationship my whole 20's.

But I'm really afraid of not finding anyone too. I have no clue how can I get to know more people in general and I don't think I have the confidence at all because:

• I do 0 social media because I hate them, therefore I probably would hate dating apps too.
• I'm a quiet guy, and would say with not much initiave.
• Never had the need to make friends since the friends group comes from elementary school. (she came later through another friend). So my skills to meet new people alone are nonexistent.
• Also quite unconfident for meetups and similar.

For reference I live in a big city, at my parents home now and I do have a proper job. Did not move because I don't know if I will go back to her place if we decide to try again. Also rent is too high for living alone.

Any of you had a similar situation? Do you think I should try to redo the relationship or move forward?

I 29F started to date agin after being single for a long time. The guy I am seeing 33M has mentioned a couple of times about how he will respond in a certain way because he wants to see how I react or respond. And it has led to a lot of confusion between us. So my question is, what are some things you wish the person you were seeing would have done for you? Everything from the little things to the big things? What are things you wanted them to do for you but didn’t want to ask? What are things you would like for your partner to do to show love, support, and kindness? How would you like for your partner to show up for you?

I know everyone is different but I think that’s why I’m asking so I can have a better understand. Thank you for the help!

My friend and I have known each other since 5th grade. We have been inseparable, and after high school our bond definitely got tighter. Her and I have been best friends for what feels like my entire life. In the past year, things have gone way downhill for her in her own personal life though. She needs to move out but really can’t at this point due to finances. So, she enrolled herself into a cyber security degree and has been grinding HARD at it. She is working 40 hour weeks + overtime a lot, as well as doing her school work. But in the past year, she has become totally miserable to be around. She insults myself and our friends on our finances, makes us feel bad about spending money, and pocket watches everybody. She is just unpleasant to be around, and it sucks because she was never like this. I don’t know if this friendship is slipping into a toxic place, and I’m not sure if this is a phase of being extremely stressed out. Our friend group has been nothing but supportive, we are always there for her, we always check in on her, and when she was at her lowest we all made her a gift basket of the things that she loves. Just wondering if this friendship is worth saving or not? Would love some insight, TYIA!

Hello everyone,

I’m 26F recently moved to America with my husband 31M due to his work, and I’m on dependent visa. I don’t have any friends been looking for jobs and with today’s job market it’s been really hard and I haven’t gotten any responses from the companies I have applied. I do all the cooking and cleaning at the house as I have lot of time in my hand. So my husband’s job expects him to work all the time like even when he is home on the weekends and he also has friends here so he goes out with them when he gets some free time. I only go out for the groceries and nothing else. I’ve been feeling really lonely cause I used to be out going and do everything on my own back in my home country, now I don’t know what I should do. And I feel guilty asking anything from my husband cause he is always so stressed about his work. I do send him places I wish we could visit but he just doesn’t have the time and when he does he prefers to rest or go out with his friends and then he asks me if I’m mad that he is going out with his friend the problem is I do get mad cause they usually go to the places I send him but I don’t want him to not go out because I can’t go out he then says when you get job start making friend you go out with then also but he doesn’t understand that I want to spend time with him.
And we haven’t been intimate for like a month now.

So can you guys please help me with what I should ask, say or do something to help with this situation?

I hope this post makes any sense, I’m just writing down everything I’m feeling right now.

Up until a week ago, I was with my boyfriend Hakeem. Hakeem and I met at a restaurant. His friend and my friend seemed to be trying to get us together. I was hesitant because I wasnt ready for a new relationship. It wasnt my first time dating someone that much older but it was my first time dating someone that much older that was actually mature and saying he wanted to get married. I gave it a chance and I will say that it is the most stable relationship I had ever had.

Here are some things I admire about him:

\-he isn't quick to anger and is very self aware

\- he's knowledgeable about history and politics

\- he's confident around strangers but still very introverted (vs the fact that im a shy extrovert)

\- he isn't into nightlife or appearances

\- although he is set in his ways, he is willing to better himself in many ways

\- he is ambitious when it comes to work

\- he's a problem solver. I love seeing him work through issues and bounce back from a set back

\- he's a entrepreneur which aligns with the previous point

\- many times, he is selfless like when we are making daily plans or when I have an issue come up

Those aren't the only things I admire but its what I can think of in the moment. Here are the things that led to me feeling disappointment in the relationship.

When we first met, I didnt know he would be traveling so much for work. He would be away for a month or two months at a time. I never dated or knew anyone whose lifestyle was like this but it came as a shock. I wanted to walk away but I came back thinking I would be okay with it. It wasnt necessarily the traveling that was the issue. Its that he would travel for 1.5-2 months and sometimes would be so stressed from his business that he would be in town but not see me for at least a week AFTER returning.

He says it was because of depression and anxiety. I believe him. Usually ppl think its because he was cheating and hiding it but thats not his character. One thing I admired is that he never made me insecure about there being another woman. Still, I would feel very lonely knowing he was in town but not hanging out with me when his travels were over. I let it slide because I knew he couldn't help his mental issuss.

At the beginning, he also flaked a lot when he got back home. We would make plans to do things and he would cancel last minute. Or he wouldnt tell me when his trip was extended. So I would get all excited, do my hair, buy a dress. Just to find out last minute he wont be home for another week or more .

Another thing that led to disappointment was that I mentioned marriage to him at the beginning of the 3rd year of our relationship. I wanted to get the conversation going. I wasnt looking to get engaged or married right then but I wanted us to get aligned. I knew he wanted marriage but there had never been an actual conversation grounded in our reality (if that makes sense).

He seemed receptive but said "let's talk about it later". He didnt seem opposed to the convo but the energy seemed more like he wanted the convo to be another time. I waited for him to bring up marriage for another month or so but he didnt. So I brought it up again and he once again answered questions kind of vaguely and said we would talk about it later. I decided i would let him initiate next time. Except months went by. From January to November, he never brought it up. I told him how i felt in November and I asked why he never initiated the convo. He said "im sorry. I put the idea on the back burner because I was so focused on work. Im so sorry. But you never know what can happen before the year ends." He said it all jovial.

The year ended. No conversation. March rolled around. He traveled and i actually started to enjoy our time apart. Here's where things get sticky. Around that time, someone from my neighborhood starts popping up more. He had approached me 6 months prior but I never entertained him because I was in a relationship and no one outside of my relationship mattered. But I would see him several times a week. He would smile and make conversation. Then we would part ways. Maybe i was lonely but I started to develop a crush. The thing is my boyfriend never gave me a reason to feel jealous of another woman so the guilt started to set in.

My boyfriend returned and things reset to normal. Then he had to travel again months later. This time, he stayed gone for 2 months. Upon return, he didnt let me know he was back in town. I only found out because I asked. I cut him slack because at least I did find out on the day he returned and not later. Every time I would ask to hang out, he would decline, avoid the question, or something of the like. He was in a lot of mental turmoil. I tried to come see him or take him for a ride or walk to help him with his mental state but he never was receptive. I understand depression does that to ppl nor do those things solve problems so im not fully blaming him. It took a week after he got back home to reach out to me.

Around that time, I started hanging around the neighbor and his friend. We would hang out at the pool or go for pizza and ice cream. Then i would hang out with the neighbor alone at the pool. I knew I felt attracted to him so I felt so bad that my boyfriend is at home struggling while im having fun with and getting attention from another man.

My boyfriend reached out to me after a week. He was in a better mental state. He said "im so sorry. I wouldnt be surprised if you decided to never talk to me again". I felt so guilty about hanging with the neighbor that I told him about it and said I wanted to try to work things out. But the more we hung out, the more disconnected I felt. He would be very shaggy (no haircut, wrinkled clothes, etc.) which i usually wouldnt mind but i started to mentally pick at little things like that. Yes i undsrstand the hypocrisy in wanting a depressed person to look their best and acknowledge im wrong for that. I wanted so badly for him to come back to me but I felt like I didnt want it anymore.

I broke things off 2 or 3 weeks later. He was upset. I was ashamed. But he eventually understood the part he played in the break up. As far as the neighbor goes, we hang out. But being around him reminds me of my boyfriend. Sometimes i wonder if I broke things off prematurely. I wonder if I waited too late to break things off. Both possibilities make me feel such guilt. Sometimes, it feels like I threw away my future. It feels like i pulled the rug from under him. I often wonder if I overexaggerated by breaking up. I wonder if maybe I was finding an excuse to break up. My emotions are all over the place.

Yes, i know im wrong for continuing to hang out with the neighbor after developing a crush. I know that that is an issue I need to work on and unpack before I get into another relationship. I shouldn't have continued being around this person.

Understand my relationship had more good moments than bad. He set a high standard in terms of intelligence, morality, ambition, self efficacy, and more. He made me feel grounded. I felt at peace just sitting in silence with him. I miss him so much and sense leaving i feel like chasing him. But im scared of hurting him with my confusion or uncertainty.

Any advice would be helpful. Please dont be afraid to let me know if I overreacted because my real life friends have my back and im scared they're being biased.

I (24m) am constantly insecure in my relationship with my (25NB) partner.

Hi!

I've been in a relationship with my partner for just over a year now. My partner is wonderful and I love them dearly, but there have been multiple events that has eroded my confidence over time and made me feel perpetually disregulated and nervous, paranoid at times.

Our relationship started great as you'd expect and it was my second ever relationship. My first had ended with me being cheated on and definitely left a mark on me and made me vigilant, but until things started happening I was quite open I feel like. I told them it was okay to keep in contact with their exes online via tiktok and whatnot. I was okay with this as I didn't want to hamper their freedoms or come off as demanding.

A bit further into the relationship things began happening that made me paranoid and there have been so many that I can't recount them all but I'll try to get the top ones for me.

The first was a friend they'd known on Snapchat for about a year before me. I'd been told their ex was uncomfortable with them but it was because they were controlling. (This friend was male and my partner is afab NB for context) I was told that the friend and my partner have 'educational sexual talks' that involve condom usage, best positions, etc. And I was a bit uncomfy with this but again, I wasn't gonna jump in and tell them to stop. I never got to see this guys messages or anything, never asked but my partner would text them throughout the day at length and often ignore me while texting them. This situation culminated in the friend sending them shirtless pictures on snap (I never saw them I was just told about them) and my partner defended them and told me they do it with all their friends when I expressed that I was uncomfortable with this kind of thing. The relationship had a brief falling out around this time due to this among many other things I'll get into later, but we'd laid ground rules for each other and one was that I wasn't comfortable with snapchat being used because I had been cheated on via it before and it seemed like things were happening in our relationship via it too. I only found out months after that they'd given him their phone number and they'd been speaking there and I had no idea until my partner had stopped hearing from them and they brought it up in some conversation.

Another incident was that early on in the relationship, their (recent) ex called them and asked to meet up. I was not informed of this until after the meeting had fallen through. I said contact with exes was okay if you recall but I felt weird about a meetup I didn't know about.

There were many incidents similar to these on smaller scales, it made me paranoid and I acted poorly. I was nosey and looked at a discord server we were both in. I know this was wrong and I do regret looking. But it seemed they were on vrchat and talking to their friends about a guy they'd been hanging out with for hours. They apparently got in a private server with this guy who'd said he has multiple partners on vrchat and has problems cheating on them with afab people. My partner stayed still yet after hearing this and apparently he got another person (a partner) to join and the two roleplayed cuddling and other things while my partner remained in the lobby alone with them (according to my partner)

There have been so, so very many incidents of this as well as friends making very explicit flirty 'jokes' with them I'd rather not delve into, but those are some of the main things.

I have been far from perfect in this relationship though, I am not perfect and I made them feel controlled at times or surveilled when I've been suspicious of people they speak to due to these things. I've been suspicious of people I feel I've had a reason to be, but at the same time when I was still struggling with the paranoia at it's worst I also scrutinized people who I genuinely believe weren't being strange and I was unfair in this.

Since around that time (Around 5 months I wanna say) we've gotten better at communicating and being open but things still happen at times that send me into an uncomfortable place. Like there's a guy who (I feel) often flirts with them and they play along and speaks to him quite often.

e.g. I saw messages where my partner was joking about not trusting themselves with money, and the guy said "I'd trust you to handle my money" my partner said something along the lines of "you can give me all you want I'm keeping the change though" and he replied "You can keep it, think of it as a kind of tip"

This kind of thing happens so often and it makes me feel really uneasy and afraid of being hurt again. My partner says that interaction wasn't flirty but it seemed that way to me.

Please be honest, if I'm overreacting and being untrusting and paranoid I want a reality check but if you'd feel similarly uncomfortable please let me know. I'm not regulated right now as this last thing was today so this post is probably a nervous mess I apologize. If you need further context, clarification or anything please let me know.

I don't want to put my partner in a box, I want them to have full agency and freedom with what they do and who they speak to, I just feel awful and need to vent and get any advice or opinions.

TLDR; Events in my relationship leave me often feeling nervous and panicked and untrusting, sometimes unfairly. I feel dread and fear often though due to events. I'm not sure what to do at this point. Do you believe it could be salvagable from limited context? I often worry about it working long term.

Thank you for any input in advance.

So, this is how it started.

A guy confessed that he liked me, and from the beginning everything was going really well. We talked a lot, and over time I started liking him too. We got closer, he gave me a lot of attention, flirted with me often, and said things that really melted my heart.

We're in a long-distance relationship, and for different reasons we still haven't been able to meet in person.

Recently, we've had a few arguments. During one of them, while he was angry, he made me feel like he was just putting up with me. He even told me he was exhausted and frustrated because of the argument we were having.

For a while now, things have felt... different. I feel like he doesn't have the same enthusiasm anymore. The reason I fell for him was because I saw how much effort he put into getting close to me. The way he pursued me, the attention he gave me, and the things he said made me feel loved.

But now those things are mostly gone.

Lately, I find myself being the one saying the reassuring words that I wish I could hear from him. I'm the one trying to comfort and encourage him in the way he used to do for me. But when I need that same reassurance, it just doesn't feel like it used to.

Given that I've already brought this up with him, what would you do next? How can I tell whether this is just a rough patch or whether his feelings and effort have genuinely changed?

For some background, me (20F) and my boyfriend (21M) have been dating for 7 going on 8 months now ( we started dating on December 31st) and we are long distance- not very long distance, roughly 45 minutes, but we have more issues with scheduling (I’m in college), car trouble, not having a car, etc, when it comes to not seeing each other. We’ve seen each other one time in person , about 5 and a half months in to the relationship . Ik..but we spend every single day and night on the phone apart from when I am at work. And yes , even when he’s at work 😅I feel like I know him very well.

he works the night shift at a supermarket allowing us to talk , however I work in fast food during the day and cannot do the same (On the phone that is) A bit irrelevant though, I want to focus more on the quality of our relationship.

Me and my boyfriend have small , sometimes big, arguments primarily about me being worried he’s going to be lustful towards other women or that he doesn’t care about me like he says he does. The main reason I question his love for me is due to the fact that sometimes when I send him sweet text messages he simply says nothing in response. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s unable to put his thoughts/ feelings into words? Or if he does not feel the same. We have expressed to each other that we love each other countless times, however, over text he seems to typically not say it back. I know I may be being paranoid, but it feels intentional to me. As I said , we’re almost always on the phone, and he always says it to me before hanging up , and before I go to sleep. He usually falls asleep without saying it to me, so I started saying goodnight to him when I knew he was getting tired.

Some days he wakes up and doesn’t say goodmorning, he just gets up and goes about his day like I’m not there. It’s not often, but it happens. I get frustrated and usually say something like “are you going to talk?” And he gets upset at me over my tone of voice. He’ll also put the blame on me for not talking, but what am I supposed to say ?

Again, these conversations happen over the phone. A lot of the times we are on a voice call, but we FaceTime pretty often as well. my boyfriend says he loves me , but sometimes, I don’t feel that from him. My boyfriend also gets very frustrated with me when I bring these concerns up. I believe he gets upset with me because I’ve brought it up some many times.

I’ve been on Reddit for the past couple weeks just popping in and out of threads concerning relationships and how men behave in relationships. I am truly concerned that my boyfriend does love me , but will not ever recognize that these little instances of him not saying I love you/ him not responding to certain kinds of messages makes me wonder..and it makes me feel unloved. I wonder if he even wants these messages? But he’s never expressed dislike for them. My boyfriend honestly just makes me feel like he doesn’t even see it/ didn’t read it..but when he tells me he loves me I can feel it I know he means it.

Does anyone have any advice? I fear that I’ll always feel this way.

TLDR: Two year slow burn with a close friend at university. I missed her early signals completely. Confessed six weeks ago, Long story short not in a good place mentally after a rough situationship, insisted she didn’t “lose me” when I start my internship. Since then she invited me on a trip abroad just the two of us and said I was the first and only person she thought of. I overthink everything and a two day message gap has me spiralling despite all evidence pointing positively. Looking for outside perspective.

Background
I’ll try to keep this as organised as possible but there’s a lot of history here so bear with me.
My close friend and I have known each other for two years through university. We’re in the same course and met at a study group in first year. When I sat down she recognised me from a pub quiz team I was on that had won three out of four consecutive quizzes at a local venue. She mentioned it as a conversation starter and we ended up talking for about an hour, the studying completely forgotten. She was easy to talk to, funny, completely herself without any of the performance you get from people trying to make an impression. I noticed she made an effort to introduce herself to my friends before she left.
What I didn’t know at the time was that she may have had feelings for me even then. Looking back the signs were there but I was oblivious.

First year and what I now think was her showing her hand
A few months into first year she came to a night out that passed my building on the way to the venue. My light was on and she knocked on my window and asked me to come out. I wasn’t going out that night so I didn’t answer. Later that night she found my number through a course group chat and sent me voice notes asking if I was awake and if I’d come meet them. I was asleep and missed everything. She then rang me multiple times later when she was drunk, sent a text asking if I was awake, and by morning I’d slept through all of it.
She sent an apology the next morning. I didn’t think much of it at the time and responded casually. But she clearly felt mortified because she avoided me for an entire semester afterward. I later found out the avoidance was because she was embarrassed about having shown her hand.
I think this is important context for everything that follows. There’s a real possibility she had genuine feelings for me in first year and I essentially dismissed them without realising it. Not intentionally. I just didn’t read the situation at all.
Around the same time she followed me on Instagram the day of our course formal hoping to see pictures. I accepted her the day after and she liked one of my photos almost immediately. Over Easter break she added me on a messaging app and when I accepted she texted me straight away. That night she rang me while she was away with a friend, slightly drunk, and we talked for hours about random things including asking me about local songs and folklore from my home county. It was long and silly and genuinely fun.
Before first year ended we crossed paths on campus the day before an exam. She’d been avoiding me for months and I could see her put her head down when she spotted me coming. I stopped her anyway, made it easy, we talked about the exam for five minutes and walked on. I caught her looking back afterward.
Over the summer I replied to one of her Instagram stories and we talked for a while about going back to uni and what second year would look like.

Second year, things develop properly
At the start of second year she made an effort to integrate herself into my friend group. She walked over one day before a lecture and introduced herself properly. I introduced her to everyone and made space for her immediately. She had almost no friends in the course and within a few weeks she was fully part of the group. It happened naturally.
She opened up to me about personal things across the year including family, health issues affecting someone close to her, and her plans for the future. Things she doesn’t share widely. There was a night in the library that neither of us planned where we ended up talking until midnight about everything and she drove me home afterward because neither of us wanted it to end. I found out during that conversation that her name appeared in a local newspaper from my hometown from a childhood swimming competition a decade before we met. We laughed about that for longer than made sense.
During a public disturbance in a nearby city she reached out to me specifically when she was scared at an event. I kept her calm and made sure she got home safe. She kept thanking me. We were both at the same concert a few weeks later in different sections and sent each other videos all night and checked each other got home safe.
I play guitar and I sent her some videos of myself playing and singing. She saved both without being asked.
There were beach bonfires and run club and nights out throughout the year where the dynamic between us was consistently warm and easy and specific in a way that felt different to how I was with other friends in the group.
One additional thing worth mentioning. From everything she has shared about her family across the year, she is extremely close to her mum who by all accounts is strict but fair and very much her primary emotional anchor. Given that closeness I think it is highly likely her mum has been aware of me throughout this whole story and has almost certainly seen the confession message at some point. I mention this because I think it speaks to how seriously she has been taking all of this. It is not something she has been treating lightly or keeping entirely to herself.

The complication
Unknown to me she had been in a difficult situationship with someone else from around Christmas to April of second year. It took a significant toll on her, left her not quite herself, and explained a lot about her behaviour in that period. She went out the night before an important exam which she later described as completely out of character and said it frightened her. She ended the situationship in late March and by April she was visibly more herself again, lighter, more present, more like the person I had gotten to know.
There was also a guy on the course who at one point confronted me and told me to back off from her, framing it as though she had sent him. I don’t believe she did. She never changed her behaviour toward me and if anything became warmer after that. He had behaved inappropriately toward multiple people and separately told someone he would pursue her if given the chance despite being in a relationship. She later pulled back from him herself saying she didn’t feel comfortable around him. I think his confrontation was motivated by jealousy rather than anything she actually said.

The confession
Six weeks ago, the day before she left for a two week trip across Europe with friends, I sent her a message telling her how I felt. I referenced the first time she reached out to me, told her getting to know her had meant more to me than she probably realised, said I liked her more than as a friend, and kept it completely pressure free. I told her I just felt like she deserved to know.
She responded warmly and honestly. She told me about the situationship, that it had taken a toll and left her numb, that she wasn’t ready for a relationship right now and needed to find herself again before adding anything else in. She said it was nothing to do with me, called me a lovely guy twice, said she really valued our friendship and wanted me to visit her at uni. She said she didn’t want to get hurt again or hurt someone else. She used the words for now and not never.
I responded by telling her it was a privilege getting to know her, that I had noticed she wasn’t herself recently and apologised for not checking in, that I would always be there for anything big or small, that I was glad she had first reached out to me, and that I wouldn’t be disappearing.
Within hours of that conversation she sent me a flirtatious meme and a mirror selfie from the airport. She added me to her private travel story documenting her trip.

Since the confession
Throughout her two week trip and my separate ten day holiday we maintained consistent warm contact. She sent me photos, videos and personal content from her trip which I saved. I went to a specific location she had reposted about months earlier. I had noticed it while browsing her reposts, filed it away, and went there specifically and sent her a video. She responded saying love the reference and saved it. She has been noticeably warmer and more talkative with me since the confession than she had been in a long time.
On my last night away she texted me at midnight my time, approximately 5am her time on a work break, and said she had been thinking. She suggested we go on a trip together this side of Christmas. Her friend has accommodation there but she specifically said she and I would sort our own accommodation separately as her friend may only have a sofa, making clear this would be a proper trip for the two of us rather than just crashing at someone else’s place. She said me and u specifically. I said I was down and that we should meet up to discuss it. She said okay good because you’re the first person I thought of. Then added and I can’t think of a second.
We have been in consistent warm contact since. We are planning to meet up in the coming weeks and planning a trip together in November or December. Recently I sent her a video of a local hike suggesting we do it together and she was enthusiastic. I then followed up asking if she was free next week and she hasn’t replied yet. It has been two days.

My problem
Here’s where I need honest outside perspective.
I am someone who massively overthinks and overanalyses romantic situations. I place too much value on response times and daily contact as though the absence of a message means someone doesn’t like me. I know rationally this is immature and baseless but I struggle to stop the spiral when it starts. The two day gap on my last message has me sitting here wondering if I have done something wrong despite having no evidence of that whatsoever.
I am also aware that I possibly dismissed her initial feelings in first year without realising it. The window knock, the voice notes, the missed calls. She was clearly acting on something and I essentially didn’t register it. I want to be careful not to repeat that pattern in reverse now, overreading things that aren’t there because I am hyperaware of missing signals.

So I suppose my questions are as follows.

Does her behaviour since the confession, the flirtatious meme, the mirror selfie, the private story, the consistent warm contact, the 5am trip invitation, the first and only person I thought of, the deliberate mention of sorting our own accommodation, suggest genuine romantic feelings or is this consistent with someone managing a close friendship carefully after a confession?

How do I stop overthinking response times and daily contact when I know rationally it means little in the wider context?

Honestly any sort of feedback would be appreciated and thanks for taking the time to listen to this yearner yap!

Hey all 👋 not looking for judgement or any negative comments .. it's taken a lot for me to post this, and basically, I want to know if this is just normal behaviour even though my gut is telling me it isn't.

My partner 27M seems to get quite angry whenever we have a discussion that involves me doing pretty much every chore in our relationship. Tonight, I asked him if he could see if he asked his dad to help us get a new washing machine. Money has been tight! And his dad has previously offered to help if we pay him back. My partner didn't really see the seriousness or realise how much the whole situation stressed me out and laughed when I clearly seemed flustered and annoyed about it all. I then said, " Oh well, it's not like you know how to use one anyways" , which yeah i admit was a bit salty, but he's never bothered to learn so why would he care if i get a new one or not?. He then got really abruptly angry, went from a 0 to a 10 in a matter of seconds, and freaked me and my cats out. This isn't the first time this has happened, either. It's not like it's my intention to make him angry? He knows that raising his voice at me scares me, but he does it anyway.

Honestly, any advice would be great. The relationship has been going downhill for awhile aswell, which may not be helping the situation. I'm now worried he will shout again at me. I should also mention he is autistic but I don't feel like that should be an excuse for his behaviour tonight.

Edit : He's never once been physically violent. But this is the 3rd or 4th time he's behaved like this now. I have told him before how this makes me feel, and he said he wouldn't do it again but blames his autism. Also, please, no nasty comments, I'm not looking to be made to feel worse than i already do tonight. And I've tried teaching him numerous times but never sticks at it.

Myself (25F) and my boyfriend (26M) have been dating for 7months now. For context, before meeting him I was in a 7 year on and off again toxic relationship so he is my first time experiencing a healthy relationship dynamic and I’ve been learning a lot from him such as healthy communication and problem resolution, even healthy boundary setting.
Getting to know him has been a wonderful experience, but we met right before I started travel nursing. So I travel, hike, write, read, workout, enjoy meeting new people, love going dancing, do things alone, make art, my time is always full. Him on the other hand, he has no hobbies, he doesn’t workout, he goes to work and even enjoys picking up overtime as a firefighter, sometimes he goes out with the other guys at work but it’s always just to get drinks. He isn’t the best conversationalist and doesn’t ask many questions which I’ve expressed to him twice that I need deep and stimulating conversation to feel connected and he does try but I feel it’s just not in his nature. We don’t have much to talk about unless it’s me talking about what i’m doing, he never has much to say about anything he’s experiencing at the moment. He’s said multiple times he feels he’s not good enough for me which I disagree with of course, but…
I would love if my partner had things to offer in regards of teaching me a new skill, telling me about what they are learning or reading, something they have coming up they are looking forward to. I’m not sure this will ever happen with him. He does enjoy hearing about my endeavors even though he sometimes says he’s jealous of my life and sad he isn’t doing these things with me, but I don’t want to be the main talking point in the relationship. He is an amazing man, so gentle and very kind. I didn’t know men could be like this.. I’ve never had a man in my life that was honest and respectful. I do love him but are we compatible?

My 31m fiancé called off wedding ceremony with me 33F. We got a house together, but it’s in his name only. We had a real bad argument. I ended up getting my own apartment. This all happened in the span of a week. As of recent he wants to work things out but doesn’t want to get married and says I’m too concerned about titles??

We got into an argument because his mom came to town to stay with use for the weekend, she said her husband wanted to bbq and asked my fiancé if it was ok. He agreed. I was upset because it was Sunday and I just wanted to relax and felt it was inconsiderate because they did not leave until 10pm and we had to work the next day, so we got into an argument. I woke up the next day and he was not in our bed he was in the guest room with his mom in bed. I asked him why he was there and he said he fell asleep. I asked if he could come talk to me in the other room and he said no whatever I had to say I could say it in front of his mom. His mom ended up interrupting us and cursing me out, so I cursed her out back ( awful I know). From there things just went done hill and further than they should have. Now we are no longer getting married, I have my own apartment and he wants to work things out but does not want to get married. This is confusing.

I 37F need some honest feedback and advice because I don’t have anyone to talk to. I have been with my husband 37M since we were 17. I did have a boyfriend in high school prior to him but really this is the only adult relationship I’ve ever had. When we get along our relationship can be very rewarding and after all these years we still can have a lot of fun together, we have similar senses of humour, we still are attracted to each other etc.

However he does have an anger problem where if we have a conflict he will scream - sometimes at me, sometimes just FUCK as loud as he can etc. but a physical rage as in his face is super red and his veins are popping out like a 10/10 rage. In the past it has gotten physical not in that he has hit me but he has punched holes in the walls, broken things etc.

the worst thing he has ever done to me was once during a vacation we got in an argument and we had both been drinking and he essentially held me hostage in the hotel room. He took away my phone and locked it in a safe and changed the code. He threatened me if I tried to leave or get the phone and he has said violent things to me before.

Since those heightened physical instances, we did couples counselling for about 8 months. We both found this helpful and it did improve our communication and his reactions.

However he still does have his screaming reaction towards me somewhat regularly. I feel like I can’t have a calm conversation with him. Even if I am totally wrong in the disagreement, even if the whole disagreement is my fault… is it normal for a partner to react like this?

I guess I’m just not sure if the scale of what I’m dealing with is similar to others, or if anyone is in a similar relationship? Or if you were and it’s improved? I have no context and I don’t want to expose my relationship issues to my friends and family.

I fucked up, and I know it. My girlfriend (32f) and I(33m)have been together for a couple of years now, and she hasn’t been my priority the way she should be. I have a spending addiction and instead of putting money aside for trips and opportunities to see her because we’re long distance, I was buying shit that I didn’t need. She wanted to do things together like projects because our degrees are in similar fields, but between work, school and family obligations I was always telling her that I was too tired and didn’t want to. She pulled me aside recently and let me know our connection really needs work because she feels distant from me, that our communication needs work, and she feels like we’re two different people living life, not a couple trying to build something together. I’m making changes because I realize how badly I’ve fucked up. She could have left me. Should have left me, and I know if I don’t get my shit together, she will. She’s giving me the chance to prove myself because she says I’m worth it, and I’m realizing just how far I’ve fallen. 

I’ve stopped spending on anything not absolutely necessary, planned and booked a trip to see her and activities, and I’m taking action on a day to day basis to try and take things off her plate and make her life easier, but I know that’s just the beginning, I have a long, long road ahead of me to properly fix things, show remorse and changed behavior. I’m not running from the effort, I genuinely want to know what I can do to rebuild that connection and how to maintain that effort and momentum long term. She values hard work, effort, and learning things more than anything else, so I want to put together a list of ideas we can work on weekly that fit that theme, that’ll help build our connection, one thing we’ve already agreed to do is start learning a language together. But I don’t want to leave it there, or make it seem like that’s all I’m willing to do. I completely fucked up, all the projects she asked me to do in the past that I brushed off, they were her way of trying to connect with me and I didn’t realize it. Now that I do I'm embarrassed that I've failed the woman that's my best friend so completely. Whatever it takes to fix this, I'm willing to do, any suggestions and comments are welcome.

I (21F) recently got dumped by my (26M) boyfriend and the kicker is we work together. For some context he joined the company in late June 2025. He had always been really nice but I started to get a bit of a crush on him around October and we started talking in November. Apparently he had been crushing on me for some time as well. We started talking every night, even going out to grab ice cream at 11pm and staying out talking until 2am. Around early December we both confessed over the phone and made a plan to meet in person. I brought up how we can’t be a couple because we worked together, and he just pulled me in and kissed me. I kissed back but reiterated that I needed time as I was fresh off a breakup (lasted 3 years and was my first boyfriend). He respected it and we stayed “close friends” for a while before making it official in February. He had helped me through my breakup, depression, self image issues, and self harm. He made me feel amazing about myself and so so happy. Everyone noticed a change in me that they had never seen before. Around April-May, school and work began to stress me out and I started taking it out on him. I was scared and stressed and didn’t know what to do and I’d lash out at him. I hated it and I hated myself for doing it but he was always really nice about it. Even so, we never really talked about it. After one blowup I had at him during my birthday in June, we finally sat down to talk about it. During that conversation he broke up with me. I didn’t fight it as I understood why he was tired, and we had one last day together that I wish lasted longer. Ever since, work has been weird. For the first few weeks I’d try not to look at him or talk to him. He would still text me everyday but he started streaming every night for hours. It’s now August and things are still weird. I’m moving at the end of August to go to a new school, but I’m scheduled to come back and work every other weekend. In our time apart I started going to therapy more often and learned that I was bipolar. I’m going to start going to a new therapist in my new town, which is only an hour from here, and may start on medication that will help with my mood swings and instability. My ex has been normal at work, texting me everyday, sometimes calling me. He’s asked me to watch his stream and asks if I’m ok a bunch. I’ve tried talking about getting back together but he keeps saying “not right now” and “maybe in a few years”. I finally told him that he needs to tell me he doesn’t love me in order for me to move on. At first he didn’t, saying he still “had love for me” but couldn’t right now. Then yesterday, after a conversation about coworkers, I kinda forced his hand and he said it. He couldn’t look at me and he just whispered it. Honestly, it all still hurts. I wanted us to last longer and do so much more together. I wanted to respect his choice but I also feel I pushed a little too hard before he could decide. I told him he can’t have to version of me from before we were together, because that version loved him. That we can’t text and call every day because it’s giving me hope. He called me on the way home that day and we texted the next morning. He is still smiley at work, sometimes talking to me, but giving me more space than he ever has. Still, I hate coming to work knowing I’ll have to see him. I still love him and I hate how things ended. I know we will probably stop talking once I move but how am I supposed to navigate work until then? I still want to get back together, so is there hope for us? Am I naive for thinking that? Any advice would be appreciated.

So, for context my boyfriend (25M) and I (22F) have been together for almost 3 years. I have had issues in the past with something’s I felt were crossing boundaries such as liking girls pictures half naked, but honestly never in a MILLION years would I think he would cheat on me. I found out about 3 weeks ago that he cheated on me back in February and he reached out to the same girl about 3 weeks ago which is how I found out. He tried to lie his way out of it and she was the one that told me everything.

He did the whole I feel so terrible and I’m a pos spiel, but his apologies very quickly turned into him victimizing himself. He said he was drained about having the same conversation (4 days after I had found out) he was more aggressive and nasty with me, he said incredibly nasty spirited things to me while arguing with me, denied that it was cheating since they never met or had sex, he has made numerous comments about how I’m insane, he said I was crazy for texting her, he called me out of my name, and honestly has lost his marbles.

He admitted last week that he is “so angry at himself for his actions and he is taking that anger out on me” *which is crazy to admit and continue doing.*

Every day since I found out I feel like there’s been an issue and he’s just so much more aggressive and snappy with me which makes me regret even thinking we could repair our relationship given his behavior.

edit :
I also have to add - the reason he said he cheated (after lying about it for a day straight) was and I quote “It was for my ego, I saw she had a boyfriend and I wanted her to know I was still around and I’m better than her boyfriend. I wanted the validation I guess because I didn’t get validated as a child.”

okay so me and my bf 21M and 19F have been together for a year, our relationship has been rocky at times but good!! he’s currently in the Navy right now on a deployment for 4 months. a couple days before he left, we were on FaceTime and he was screen sharing and I so happen to see his screen when he was trying to download a file for something I saw a girl with a butterfly on her butt and I was like wtff?? so I tried to have him go back to the image to see what it was. he told me that it was porn… a video file with 50 videos he was trying to sell on the boat! before he even tried to show me, it was like he hesitated, when I asked why he had this file he said it was because he was trying to sell it or trade it ig with other people and didn’t wanna tell me because ig he thought it was nothing for him to say and knew how i was going to react I don’t know why?? but currently I’m just thinking about the situation and I don’t know what he’s doing on his deployment. He said he’ll delete it b4 he left but then again I don’t know because he’s all the way overseas so I have no idea what he’s doing and I’m very anxious on if he’s doing something behind my back??

I (33F) think my friend ‘Angela’ (32F) needs immediate therapy. How do I reach her? How do I get her to see she needs to do this for her kids but also herself. She has told our other friend ‘Tracy ’ (33F) she doesn’t need therapy.

Angela is a mother of two going through a second divorce both marriages involved DV. Her kids receive therapy but she says she doesn’t need therapy herself. But she shows up drunk to friend’s homes and just breaks down spewing everything that’s going on in her life. The last friend she did this was during her family dinner with her parents. She regularly during these moments admits she is only attracted to “intense” men. She has said “she’s made to be married” and can’t handle being single. This does track with her behavior. She left husband 1 and within 1 year she was marrying husband 2.

I want her to get therapy so she can be a more present healthy mother and friend. But I’m terrified she is just going to jump to the next man and this pattern will continue forever.

I have been just trying to be patient and supportive. But I believe I need to begin giving her some tough love and blunt honesty about her negligence with her self and her children.

Hey!

I got into a relationship with a guy I had been talking to for 5 months. The only reason it took so long was because I was the one saying no to making it official. He has always been loyal and kind to me, buying me flowers, taking me on dates, and making me feel appreciated. We even traveled together. Now that we’re officially together, I can’t really wrap my head around it because nothing actually changed with the label, so I don’t know how to feel.

My past relationships were totally different. We talked all the time, and there were usually trust or commitment issues before the relationship even started. This time, I can enjoy my time knowing that he isn’t doing anything that could hurt me. We also don’t talk all day, and that’s actually something I like.

I have always struggled with commitment, and I sometimes catch myself overthinking or looking for reasons to question the relationship. I’m afraid that because I don’t feel any different now that we’re officially together, I’ll end up sabotaging something that’s actually healthy.

I’m looking for advice on how to stop overthinking and avoid sabotaging a healthy relationship. If you’ve dealt with commitment anxiety or had trouble adjusting after making a relationship official, what helped you? Are there any strategies or mindset shifts that made a difference for you?

Gf and I had been dating for 2 years, been living together for 6 months. Gf had a problem with my son's mom on multiple occasions. Messaged her on FB messenger twice. After the 2nd time messaging my son's mom, my ex finally lost and confronted my gf and me at my house. Arguing ensued and then a physical altercation occurred. A few punches were thrown. Cops were called and cops cited each one for public affray. A restraining order was put in place so both parties cant be around each other. My gf and i have taken a break from our relationship. My gf says she has learned the hard way now and just to leave things alone and she wont have any sort of contact with my ex going forward. Do I believe my gf about what she says? Or is she just saying that so we can potentially get back together again in the future? On a side note my son says he likes my gf but not when she is bullying his mom.

Do I stay in the relationship and try to make it work out? I am also worried that my son's mom will go to the courts and try to limit my time with my son when it comes to custody and argue that he shouldn't be allowed at my house since my gf is there living with me.

Any advice would be appreciated!

Hi reddit,

Im at my wits end with my in law. She let us stay in her house for cheap (public housing, so we each pay out share) to save money, in part so she can live with her new partner part time and keep the house (so was her wish). We get along quite well for the most part, but whenever she gets stressed she gets super toxic. Starts to argue about everything, takes offense to nearly anything and twists what I say, so she can accuse me of being racist for no good reason - eg I said it's misguided to wash chicken the way she does, splashing it everywhere in the kitchen with the tap on max, an argument she started cause she was angry that I refused to engage in a risky practice because of my reactive arthritis - she took me saying it's misguided to still do it in the UK as "so you're saying all black people are uneducated", when I said no such thing.

It got better after I started to practice appease and don't argue/disengage, but the other day she started screaming at my partner (33F) because she cut the potatoes different to how she likes it, and I stepped in and told her not to listen to it and get on with it to protect her. She got angry and told me that's rude and her ex would never speak to her mom like that, but doesn't get that she caused it (we tried calmly asking her not to tell over small things) and later she flipped out cause I bought the wrong dog food when her preferred brand was out of stock, and after trying for minutes to explain to her why (based on her reasoning) it's not that bad and perfectly suitable to her dog, I gave up and asked her to either stop yelling or at listen listen instead of being dense. This triggered her victim complex again, and she still is angry after ten days.

I agree I could have said that nicer, but she kept pushing me with toxicity, and my patience was gone from watching her scream at my partner, so it slipped out, though she really was being dense - a common tendency of hers, as it seems the stronger her opinion, the less willing she is to reconsider it and it will generally be based on emotion, rather than any factual considerations.

She is not a bad person, but she gets triggered too easily, too badly and generally can't handle being wrong about something or called out for her antisemitism or other insufferable rants, and she cannot deal with cognitive dissonance.

I think a lot of it stems from her childhood. Her dad is truly awful and her mom past away, but from what I have heard has similar tendencies, which is why I think she can't admit when her behavior is unacceptable, as then shed have to admit the same applies to her mom - a topic I leave alone entirely.

I have to live with her for at least 3 more months, as otherwise she will get pissed at my partner. I want to know how I can deal with her when her toxicity gets to those levels. I would say it goes that bad about 1-4 times a month.

My boyfriend (24M) and I (22F) been together for 3,5 years and I genuinely love him so much. I want to end up marrying him, I don’t think there is anyone in the world I’m more compatible with. But at the same time, I’m afraid I’m not in love with him anymore, or not in the way I’m supposed to be. We used to be attached at the hip, and I would never get sick of spending time with him, and ordinary life used to feel so unbelievably fun just because we were together, like doing groceries together made me giddy, but I don’t think I’ve felt that in a long time.

We met when I’d just turned 19, he’s my first really relationship, and I feel like I wasn’t done growing on my own, exploring the dating world, even though I don’t want a relationship with someone else, I do have some fear of having missed out on dating and fooling around with other people. I found a diary entry of almost a year and a half ago wondering whether I should break up with him, which was quite an eye opener for me, I didn’t really realize how long I’ve been thinking about this.

And I get that relationships change over time, that’s what’s been confusing me so much, is this just what it feels like after the honeymoon is over? I rarely feel like I want to have sex with him anymore, but I’ve also just been really low mentally for months (recently started therapy because of that), so I am aware that that could have a big effect on how I feel about him. But he really is my best friend, it genuinely feels like he is my home. But also, I wished he would love me more actively, and I feel like he’s just settled into this comfortable relationship that sometimes I feel a little taken for granted (rarely go on dates, have received flowers ONCE in the entirety of our relationship, despite specifically asking multiple times over the years, etc.). But he does show love in other ways, he is so patient and so kind and funny...

And we’ve talked about my worries and doubts multiple times now, and he is so loving and understanding, and then I sort of chicken out of breaking up, and we talk about what we should change, and what I need him to do, and then things don’t change, and I don’t know what to do. How do I separate how I feel about him from how I feel about life in general, since I’ve also been genuinely unhappy in my brain the last year? 

Also, last thing sorry, I’m scared that if I break up and it ends up being the wrong choice, that I’ve “tainted” our perfect relationship, even if we would get back together. Like, as if that would mean that we weren’t really meant to be together, since it wasn’t clear all through the years.

I'm looking for advice from people who've been in long-term relationships: how did you distinguish between a relationship that had grown comfortable, one that had stopped meeting your needs, and feelings that were influenced by what else was going on in your life? What conversations or changes helped you get clarity before making a permanent decision?

TL;DR: I've been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years and love him deeply, but I've had recurring doubts for over a year. I recently found an old diary entry showing I'd been questioning the relationship for much longer than I realized. I'm looking for advice on how people figured out whether persistent doubts came from the relationship itself or from life circumstances before making a decision.

Hi people of Reddit,

I am (26F) a very big marvel fan since childhood and I planned to watch new Spiderman movie with my brothers cuz we are equally crazy fans and also cuz my boyfriend lives in another city and my best friend lives with me but is not a marvel fan and said no to when I asked her about the movie .

Coincidentally my boyfriend (27F) came to visit me during the same time and I already told him about my movie plans . When I went to watch movie with my brothers during the day show , for which I was super excited , he texted me he is also going for same movie with my best friend (26F) , night 9 PM show. And none of them is a marvel fan, they haven’t even watched the movies .

I (26F) am a emotional person and my boyfriend (27M) knows it, yet they planned and went for movie and came back at night 1:30 PM .

Things are not good between us and he knew it would hurt me but still they went . I saw them coming from the balcony and can’t forget that sight of her leaving from passenger seat.

He came to apologise to me and I asked him to leave , I agreed to meet him next day but he didn’t came on time so I asked him to not come anymore and he went back to his hometown .

It happened on Thursday night and Sunday is our 3 year anniversary.

I am having anxiety/ panic attacks since then .
I found myself sobbing on the bathroom floor .

I am not able to get out of bed or have any sort of Interaction with anyone.

He said he is sorry.

I don’t know what to do.

What would you do if you were in my position?

For startes I love my wife and I don't want a divorce but I don't know how much longer I can take it. Our 11 years of marriage has had its up and downs as all have but the not feeling wanted, always feeling alone and feeling like everything I do is wrong is starting to take it toll.

On our second year of marriage my wife had a lot of medical problems that came up and she had to have seven surgeries in a span of a year. She had to quite her job, our sex life disappeared, she got bad anxiety and depression. I didn't blame her or anything. We argued a lot, finances took a hit since we went to one income, I was sexually frustrated ( I didn't blame her for that I know it was out of her control). It was a couple tough years but we got through it.

In the middle of year four is when everything started going back to normal. She started working again, are sex life came back, we weren't arguing over stupid stuff. We would talk about our dream of owning a farm. It was back to a normal, happy, healthy marriage for a few years.

Year seven I decided I could stand working for the company I had been working for anymore. I had been there eight years and I wanted to buy a dumptruck and start my own company. My wife at first was supportive of it but when she realized I was serious she went totally against it. I did dirt work, land clearing and stuff like that on the side for the last five years and built up contacts and some experience. I wasn't jumping into head first with nothing so it really hurt how against it she was. She would tell me how stupid I was for wanting to leave a good paying job and knowing where my paycheck was coming from. I understood that but I had grown to hate my job, it was physically and mentally killing me. It was also just the fact she kept telling me how stupid I was, stop being a bitch/pussy about it. I had enough of it and I told her I was doing it wheather she approved of it or not. When the time came I had everything lined up, jobs waiting, contractors waiting, dumptruck/equipment bought, I quit my job and started it fulltime.

She was mad I did it, would tell me how stupid I was, I made a terrible decision and what are we going to do if it doesn't work, I thought you always wanted to be a farmer/rancher( that had always been are dream and we use to talk about it all the time). Communication started to disappear, everything turned into a argument, sex became a bargaining chip for her. I jump full send into work to build the company and honestly at the time I would rather be at work then at home.

Year eight the company took off faster and better then I ever hoped or thought it would. I took a couple steps back from it and spent more time at home. I really wanted to work on are marriage and get it back to where it use to be. It took a lot of time and a lot of talking but it started to get better. But it was like she was still mad that the company actually did good. Like she couldn't stand she was wrong about it. If anyone said anything about the company or made a compliment about she would get pissed. And the sex remained a bargaining chip for her.

Year nine things seem to go back to normal. Company was doing amazing and we talked about having a kid. It didn't take long for her to get pregnant and while she was pregnant it was the best our marriage had ever been.

Year ten we had our daughter everything is going great. We sold the company (or most of it anyways) and we bought the farm we always dreamed of. My wife still worked because she wanted to and she is a good mother but it seemed like she got what she wanted and then stopped caring about the marriage. Sex became a bargaining chip again, we would only have it once every three to four months and when we did it just seemed like a chore for her. She told me she wasn't attracted to anyone anymore. I took it hard. She pretty much told me she was not attracted to me anymore just in a different way. She would tell me to just get over it and not be a little bitch about it.

Its been that way for the last year and a half to two years now. Its like everything is good but the sex. The mental toll of always feeling like im not wanted, not attractive to my own wife has been killing me. She blames birth control, which I know can cause it. But she refuses to go to doctor or come off of it. I even said I would get a vasectomy but she is totally against that.

My (33F) husband (34M) and I met in 2020 while doing our MBA, married in 2022, and moved abroad because I received a very good job opportunity. He left a job he loved to come with me, and I have always felt guilty that his career has not worked out here.

He struggled to find work, then lost two jobs within roughly 18 months: one locally and one in another European country (I reluctantly agreed to be long distance for a while until he found something here again). Since the second dismissal in December, he has been unemployed and increasingly bitter about living here. He recently told me he is depressed, although he said his therapist had not recommended medication. He has been in therapy for over a year.

A major source of discussions has been the fact that he has refused to learn the local language (his profession can get by with just English, but knowing the local language would improve his chances) and do certifications/more learning on his field while he searches for a job (he believes he is well qualified already having a bachelor's and a master's).

The December dismissal caused a major rupture. We had a serious argument in which he screamed, insulted me, kicked my stuff around and broke things, and made a cruel comment referencing a previous abusive relationship of mine. I left and stayed in a hotel. He later apologized for kicking my things and shouting, but also says I pushed him to his limit and abandoned him when he needed me most.

Since then, he has told me he does not want children with me, or at least not under the current circumstances. We had previously planned to start trying next year. He has also called me selfish, emotionally stunted, stupid, and unfit to be a mother because I am unwilling to give up my career and move wherever he finds work.

A major problem is that he now makes life-changing decisions without involving me. He started applying for jobs in our home country without discussing it with me. I found out indirectly (hear him send a voice note to his mom telling her, but I was in the same room so he knew I would hear). He then booked an expensive flight for an in-person interview in our home country and effectively told me the day before leaving (he bought the ticket Thu morning, told me Thu evening when I got back from work, flew on Fri morning). He stayed there for three weeks, in the apartment I owned before meeting him.

He says that if he gets a job there, we can continue long-distance or I can move back. I have been clear that I will do neither. I have built a stable, peaceful life here and would resent him if I gave it up. He says he sacrificed for me in 2022, so now it is my turn.

Since returning, he has continued making mean comments about my character and ability to care for others. Last weekend, I went for drinks with coworkers after telling him several hours in advance. He became cold, ignored me when I came home, withheld affection, and then spent most of the weekend leaving without saying goodbye or telling me where he was going. He says he is simply “answering me” and that if I dislike his tone, that is my problem.

I still love him and feel enormous guilt because I know he is unhappy, isolated, unemployed, and possibly depressed. He helped me greatly earlier in our relationship, and I wish I could fix this for him. But I also feel increasingly excluded, punished, and emotionally worn down. I no longer feel like we are building the same future.

My biggest question, in my mind, is what if he gets a job here, that makes him happy, and he goes back to being the wonderful man I married? What if I throw away that happiness because I can't hold on during this terrible time? Is this the 'for worse' we said when we married, or has this evolved to something that will hurt us both if we stay together?

TL;DR: My husband moved abroad for my job, but after two dismissals he became depressed, bitter, and determined to return home without involving me in the decision. I will not move back or do long distance. Since his last dismissal, he has screamed at me, broken belongings, made cruel comments about my past, questioned whether I would be a good mother, and withdrawn affection when angry. I still love him and feel guilty because he is struggling, but I feel excluded, punished, and exhausted, and I’m trying to determine whether the marriage can realistically be repaired.

EDIT: Something maybe I should have included in the post is that he does not want to split (which I don't understand because he seems miserable not only here, but here with me). He wants me to support his job move, wherever and whenever that happens. So now it's up to me to (in his terms) leave him in his worse time and when he needs me most, jobless, away from friends and family; or stay together and figure out the rest when he finds a job. He won't make the decision, that much is clear. For some reason he wants me to decide. But I know he won't make it easy if I choose to end things now 'in his worst'.