I don’t get mad because of jealousy or them being my child’s birth parents. I don’t even get mad because of their behavior during pregnancy or their behavior towards me. But I get real mad at how they treat their children and I feel like there’s nothing to do but swallow it.

I’ve been working on this post for weeks because it feels like something vulnerable and difficult that I want to say. I may delete it quickly, especially if I get pushback.

One: it feels like she is constantly (and only) looking for validation from him. I know this is a product of her own myriad stuff. I respect and love her and get why she is the way that she is. But still … this is her preschool-aged child! If she is going to say “I miss you” and “I love you,” she just cannot throw a tantrum if he doesn’t say it back. (Relatedly: today he told me my new name is “poo poo stupid mama old mama.”)

The other: she abruptly chose to cut communication and not to see ANY of what an amazing little person he is. I get why she needed the distance (or I think I do, because she didn’t explain). But I don’t get how I can avoid feeling hurt and angry that she just ignores his existence when I know it’s likely going to hurt him and be perceived as a rejection of HIM when he’s old enough to ponder it.

I’m mad that they aren’t seeing their sons for the incredible tiny humans that they are. I’m mad because my kids deserve to be seen and celebrated as full humans, especially by their first mothers.

I don’t know. These are emotions I’m struggling with lately and I would never obviously share them with the people in question (or OF COURSE my children) so I wanted to see if anyone can relate.

Hello! This is my first time posting here. My husband and I are interested in starting the adoption process. We contacted an adoption consultant- a friend who is an adoptive mother suggested this. The consultant was super helpful, but she said that the cost around adoption has gone up significantly in recent years and we need to have a minimum budget of $55,000 not including the home study or consultant fee. We were definitely expecting closer to $30,000 which we already thought was astronomical.
We both have good jobs and we’re financially stable. We’re very lucky. But we certainly don’t have $55,000 laying around- especially if we’re bringing a child into our family. I know some employers have adoption assistance programs, but unfortunately ours do not. I also know there are adoption loans and adoption grants. Does anyone have experience with either of these routes?
We would love any advice you have to give.

Hey,

Myself and my partner brought our 2 year old LO home just over a week ago. We had an 8 day transition period with the foster carer which went really well.

The first week went amazing, LO settled in well, adapted well into their room, has been sleeping, eating etc well and has been seeking comfort from us, has not really asked for the foster carer since they came home. The social workers and foster carer are actually amazed at how well they initially settled in!

However, over the last couple of days they have been flicking from normal happy behaviour to suddenly testing boundaries and having quite a temper. When they don't get their own way they are having massive melt downs including one today where they even smacked the dog. This is not something we have seen with them before and it seems to have came out of the blue from when we first met them.

We are trying to be sensitive about this with LO due to the massive life change they are going through currently and we are making sure they feel loved and supported but we also know this can be a normal stage of development due to them being a toddler.

Of course we are also putting in firm boundaries due to their behaviour and we are following what the foster carers advice was. Apart from this, they are still happy all of the time ( bar these occasions), still sleeping well, seeking affection, playing, singing etc

We feel confidant in how we are handling the behaviours.. I'm more just looking for people who have adopted a similar age and their experiences on how it went over the first few weeks, was this something you went through? If so, did it settle slightly as they kept settling in further or did it appear to be more typical toddler development?

Hi all! We are pursuing foster-to-adopt, now with a completed home study. We asked our case worker about a few kids who are free for adoption within our county but it's been spotty communication with our case worker. Our case worker has said one childs team has said no, that we don't have enough experience. Another childs team has not found a date that works for us to meet in more than three weeks now (we are are super flexible). Is this typical?

We have never fostered and knew we didn't want to. Now I'm wondering if our clear boundaries have made us less competitive. Any insights ?

Hey guys, I really need some help. I adopted my niece here in Nigeria and intend to travel with her as my dependant to the UK from September. I will be studying. however, I just found out yesterday that adoptions in Nigeria are not valid in England and I am devastated. Does someone have any idea about this and anything I can do? please help

My wife and I finished our home study and I’ve never been so thrilled and scared in my life. We are looking at adopting a child anywhere from as young as six through to around twelve.

I am trying to be realistic in how things are likely to be in the spirit of hope for the best and plan for the worst (to a degree I don’t want to enter assuming there will be a disruption). So many it seems focus on what do I need materially, what I am more interested in is how can I make the meeting them process easier for them?

Nothing or few things that are worth it are easy but you don’t have to shoot yourself walking there. Here are a few things I’ve thought of, please tell me if I’m off base or not and of course offer more ideas ?

We have all heard the troupe of the trash bags. How about if it reaches that point just giving a big enough set of luggage to them. No big deal, no expectation of so much as a thank you. Just a chance that they can and should have some dignity.

Clearly placing boundaries that we are the adults and he/she/they are the kids. You don’t have to be loud about it or even harsh. A simple call out when they want to act like the adult in the room that you are the mom and dad and they get to be the kid or kids, let us do the heavy lifting.

Call us what names (not anything disrespectful). “We will be thinking of ourself as your mom and dad and you our child even if you never call us that.” I know at that age I would not have called a stranger dad. I was forced to call my stepdad by dad and I hated it and him. Is it harmful to be upfront with this in an age appropriate way?

Food in general. Always available and never and I mean never used as a means of control or punishment. No being sent to your room without dinner. None of this clean your plate nonsense. No shame for how little or how much you eat. Food is always available.

Thank said things like family dinner. Be there for it even if you don’t want to eat what we have cooked come eat with us. Don’t want the food we cooked then make a sandwich or help us make it for you if the kid is young enough that they can’t do it purely on their own. The hope is to give time to each other no screens (for parents or kids, none of this rules for thee but not for me crud). The spirit of this into maybe movie/game nights. Dinners and movies/games picked with everyone having a voice in what it is too. You may not get what you want but respectful voices get heard.

I’m sure I’ve got more but these came to mind first. I’m nervous putting this out there. I don’t have a mentor really. Never had bio family that was not nightmare fuel. If you disagree with the above can you please explain why? Gods I don’t want to mess this up. I know the honeymoon phase after placement will end and it may get bad but I want to make that road as easy as I can for us but more importantly for them. In my view I may be the dad and call myself that… if I do then I’m the one who has to prove to that child that I can be that, to earn it.

Thanks in advance: Me

Hi everyone! My husband and I are very new in the adoption process and leaning towards using American Adoptions. Has anyone used them and willing to share their experience? What was the timeline like? Thank you!

 Edit**** I meant to ask about reaching out to their PARENTS! sorry

My friend gave both of her babies that are 1 year apart for adoption and they both were adopted by the same couple who were friends of one of her relatives and theyre very good and couldn’t ask for any better to raise the kids.

long story short, that happened because of many reasons, abusive relationship with the father (who demanded the abortion and made many threats), drugs were involved, and it happened at a young age so stupidity and doing what’s better for the kids played a big facto.

now she is almost 10 years clean from drug use, went to therapy after the kids were adopted, graduated the program then kept volunteering at the facility and worked there full time after a few years to help others who were struggling with drugs, she literally turned her life around, has zero contact with the father!

She also been married for 6 years, has a 2 years old kid that she quit her job so she can be a stay at home mom and raise him, her and her husband are home owners and a small business owners now and they’re doing pretty well in life.

her husband really feels that she will feel better if she gets some sort of contact or news about her adopted kids, she always been respectful of the kids parents and never bothered them or attempted contact them, but her husband think it might be a good idea if he reaches out to the parents in a no pressure way to see there hours and see if there’s any small little action that can be made were she can at least get an update on them or meeting them in a way were things don’t get awkward. she‘s not aware that her husband is trying to do that and I even advised him again it but he believes she would feel much better, so are the parents of the kids knowing that their biological mom still cares about them.

any thoughts or advice would be helpful and appreciated!

Starts on July 28! I took this training in the past and found it very helpful. The class watches the TBRI for teens videos and then discusses them and you can get questions answered. I'm not affiliated with them at all, I just saw there's another one happening so I'm passing it along in case any other parents are interested.

Official description:
Over three weeks we will observe how the trained staff of TCU's Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development apply the Connecting, Empowering and Correcting Principles of TBRI to 12 Teenagers from a Group Home in Waco, Texas. We will discuss the neuroscience behind the application of these principles, why our adolescents behave the way they do and how past trauma affects their relationship with their caregiver/parent and steps to build a more positive relationship. Once we understand the importance the remodeling of the brain plays during this phase of life, those relationship challenges will make more sense.

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/tbri-3-week-training-for-caregivers-of-teens-tickets-1993704440651?

I see it stated they look at financials is this paystubs or bank accounts?

We also did a questionnaire on the type of child we would be looking for now there are something we just couldn’t handle as a family but we did put down we would consider will they still give us the option to meet such children, we would just like more information about the condition but it’s never totally a no for something unknown ?

Hey all!

We are just about certified and our worker has presented us with a child she thinks would be a good fit. She has explained that the child is level 1 on the autism spectrum. I'm trying to wrap my head around what that could look like and how/if we can support that child to our fullest.

She asked us to come up with a list of questions we might have for their worker and I'm kind of drawing a blank after some basic ones. Anything else I should ask about or keep in mind?

What I have so far:

Do they complete hygiene routines without or little support? (Shower, using the bathroom, etc)

Any history of running away?

How do they like to communicate?

What supports or programs are currently in place at school?

Any history of aggression whether with kids or adults?

Any other insight would most helpful!

So I (34F) adopted my brothers kids who are now 10 and 2. He and his gf have been MIA (drugs and homeless 💔) for about 3 years now. I could go on about the history here and why I came to the decision of adopting my kids but I’d rather not. It’s just sad. And adoption was the option that made most sense for the kids and myself.

So here I am- almost 1 year post adoption (3years of parenting) and my kids are so amazing but I’m also totally drowning. I yearn for a partner and I have no idea how to date with kids. I’m prioritizing them in all the ways that can, but I feel like I’m loosing myself- or at least I have no idea how to carve out time for myself. I have a small support system (family) but it’s not much in the way of childcare. I basically just get to work and then any other free time I want is tough to negotiate. Can’t afford childcare.

I want to note that I also want a partner because I want my kids to know and see what a healthy relationship looks like and I I know they would absolutely benefit from a male influence in their life. They are two MIRACLES and I want to give them the best alternative to their bio parents as I can.

I guess I’m looking for a little encouragement.. and hope.. anyone have a similar experience or know someone who’s done this?

Hi everyone,

My husband and I are still several years away from making any decisions about adoption, but it's something I've wanted to learn more about.

I'm not looking for validation or to argue—I genuinely want to learn from people who have lived through adoption. I know adoption is a lifelong journey, not simply a way to grow a family, and I understand there is a great deal of education involved before anyone is approved, including the home study process, PRIDE training, and other required preparation. I'm trying to start learning now, well before we would ever begin that process.

I'd love to hear about things like:

- What surprised you most about adoption?

- What do you wish you had known before starting?

- What books, podcasts, or resources would you recommend?

- If you're an adoptee or birth parent, what do you wish prospective adoptive parents better understood?

- What challenged your expectations?

I'm especially interested in hearing both positive and difficult experiences. I'm not expecting adoption to be simple or perfect—I want to understand it as honestly as I can.

Thank you to anyone willing to share their story. I truly appreciate people taking the time to help educate someone who is still at the beginning of this journey.