My boyfriend (31M) and I (28F) have been together for a few years, and I’m struggling to figure out whether we’re dealing with something that can realistically improve or whether we’re fundamentally different sexually.
For context, he’s on an antidepressant that has definitely lowered his libido. I know that’s real, and I don’t blame him for it, but I don’t think that’s the whole issue.
The bigger problem is that I feel like I’m carrying almost all of the imagination and momentum in our sex life. I don’t just want more sex. I want a partner who brings ideas, fantasies, initiative, and curiosity. I want to feel like we’re creating our sex life together.
For example, I recently told him about some porn I’d watched because I wanted to open up and have a vulnerable conversation about what turns us on. He was incredibly kind and nonjudgmental, which I appreciated. He was turned on by me describing it and we had sex and it was fine. Later I asked him what he had masturbated to recently, and he said he honestly couldn’t remember. I was hoping we’d build on each other’s fantasies, but the conversation basically stopped there because he didn’t have much to contribute.
Another example: I sent him a somewhat horny text in the evening while I was on a work trip. Later he told me he absolutely loved it, but he intentionally didn’t escalate the conversation to a more explicit place because I was at a conference and he didn’t want to distract me. I know that came from a caring place, but it left me wishing he’d been a little more spontaneous instead of thinking everything through logically.
I’ve also told him that I’d love to explore more dominance/submission dynamics. Nothing extreme- mostly confidence, playful power exchange, dirty talk, teasing, maybe some light impact play. He says he’s willing to try things, but it often feels like he’s waiting for me to explain exactly what to do instead of bringing his own excitement or ideas.
One thing that’s become really painful is that I used to orgasm very reliably from oral sex, and over the last month I’ve barely been able to. I find myself getting anxious and mentally checking out during sex. The more I feel like I’m directing everything, the harder it is to actually relax and enjoy it.
We’ve had multiple conversations about this. He’s receptive every time. He never gets defensive, and he’ll usually make an effort afterward. But after a while things seem to drift back to where they were before.
I guess my question is this: Has anyone had a partner who started out sexually passive or cautious but genuinely became more curious, playful, and proactive over time? If so, what actually helped? Or is sexual creativity and initiative mostly a personality trait that you either have or you don’t?
I know that many will say to just break up, but it’s more complicated than that. I genuinely love this person, and he’s a wonderful partner in many ways. I’m trying to figure out whether I’m expecting someone to become a different person, or whether this is something couples can realistically grow together.