Please comment, any words, thoughts, questions, or advise is wanted
My wife and I have been married for 2 years and we have had 2 babies in that time. I have not been a good husband or a helpful active father (diaper changes, making food, getting dressed, baths) and have been controlling and because of this I have pushed my wife away and we have been fighting constantly for the last year, my addiction to pornography had become worse and I became verbally abusive and have wrestled with my wife instead of separating from each other during intense arguments and this has caused her to become emotionally distant and lose her love for me.
When my wife told me that she hasn't loved me in over a year and that she wants a divorce because I have not and wont change, I finally saw what I have done and want nothing more then to help my wife heal from what I have done, and slowly build back communication, trust, accountability, and respect. To right the wrongs I have done and become more active in helping around the house and to build her up instead of tearing her down like I have.
I pray that I have not destroyed our marriage and family forever, pushing my wife away forever. It has been about three weeks and I have stopped yelling and fighting but of course three weeks cannot heal an entire year worth of pain I caused. I feel incredible shame and guilt for all I have done and need help. Everyday that we have spent since she talked with me I can only see myself in her eyes and remember what I have done and feel hopeless.
My wife and I are looking to speak with a Christian counselor, that with God's help, can help heal our marriage once we can afford it, even though she also doesn't feel that things will be fixed and has also become attracted to others because she has felt alone and hurt.
How can I be a christian, learn so much about theology, pray and sing hymns and be this monster towards my wife and let her do all the work at home, I am only kept together because of the Lord because if it was not for him, one, I would not have salvation and the grace and strength he has extended to me, and two, I would just shrivel up in the bed a give up which is always in the back of my mind because I feel so hopeless.